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Mental health isn’t an easy thing to talk about when most of your life was spent shutting it out. His parents always told him to grow up and suck it up, never asking him what was wrong. He supposed that was why talking about his feelings made him so damn uncomfortable. It was a foreign territory he didn’t know how to step into without feeling panic. It didn’t help that his first experience with a professional ended with the two of them having sex in her office. That definitely messed up his relationship with his own mental health more than it already was.
There was a certain guilt that came with being around people who also were mentally struggling. He never was really sure how to help back then, especially considering it was his sister. Somebody who had never been anything but strong in his eyes. The person who had gotten him through the first 16 years of his life without dying.
It was hard to imagine Maddie as anything but the tough girl he remembered. Yet, he was also young, and therefore stupid. He didn't see how much taking care of him affected her. Or how living with the truth of Daniel affected her. Buck couldn’t really blame himself for not noticing that one though.
The point being, he never saw it. He knew their lives weren't perfect. Even as a kid, he could feel the underlying tension that traced their family. He knew that his relationship with his parents fucked him up to a level that he was still trying to heal. Yet as a kid, everything seems so tunnel vision.
Buck was currently leaning back on Eddie’s couch with an ice pack to his right cheek. The raised bump where Chimney had punched him ached like hell. He would honestly be surprised if he didn’t wake up with a black eye tomorrow morning. His cheek was throbbing under his skin. His eye felt puffy from the raising bruise.
Part of his was pissed at his coworker. Chimney had absolutely no right to punch him, not matter how mad he was. It never warranted hitting a coworker. Buck knew realistically he could get the man told off if he went to Bobby about what happened, but he felt bad. He knew Chimney was just scared and hurting. His sister was missing and she left her boyfriend alone with their child with no further explanation. Buck had seen how much Chimney was hurting the past week. Yet, that never made it his place to tell him a single thing about what Maddie had told him. He had promised his sister he would stay quiet. That he wouldn’t tell anyone that he was talking to her.
Buck had agreed. It was his sister. As much as he was terrified, betrayed, and upset, he trusted her. He wasn’t going to cause her to not trust him back. In hindsight, maybe he should have told Chimney he had contact with Maddie. It wasn’t like Buck knew where she was anyway. Then the man wouldn’t have had the worst week pf his life, and Buck wouldn’t currently be laid back against Eddie’s couch with frozen carrots pressed to his eye.
He didn’t even know why Eddie had frozen carrots in his house. Neither the man nor Chris liked this kind of carrot. Buck closed his eyes, his head spinning a bit. That wasn’t the point.
Eddie had offered him a beer earlier when he first got there. It was still sitting untouched on the coffee table in front of him. Buck couldn’t bring himself to drink it. He peeled his eyes back open, grimacing at the lights assaulting his vision. He glanced to his left where Eddie had sat down beside him after turning on some drama he had been watching.
Buck knew Eddie would never admit he was a sucker for these romcoms. Where Eddie had been sitting and drinking a short time ago was the same man bundled under a soft blanket and completely passed out dead to the world. Buck couldn’t help the brief fond smile that stretched across his lips. Idiot.
Buck rolled his eyes and immediately regretted it when his head spun. Okay, maybe he was a little kore pissed off at Chim than he would like to admit. He had every right to be.
There was a specific moment during their conversation that was replaying over and over in Bucks head, and he didn’t know why. Right before Chim had swung at him, the man had hissed the words, “you wouldn’t even know. You never knew.” Buck had no idea what the hell that was supposed to mean. It pissed him off that Chim thought he knew more about his sister than Buck himself did. She was his sister for fucks sake. They had the same blood. They grew up together. Nothing would ever change that.
So what could Chim possibly be talking about? Buck groaned. He was worried about Maddie. He was hurting. And his friend hated him. It’s exactly what his mind needed. More confirmation that he was the burden he always feared he was. No amount of therapy had been able to beat that mindset out of his head yet. He didn’t know if it ever would.
Buck let his head tip back and his eyes slip shut. He needed sleep. He needed to get past the exhaustion that had been fogging his brain since Maddie left and deal with all this shit tomorrow. He didn’t have the brain capacity right now to try and decrypt Chim’s words. He let his body melt back into Eddie’s couch. He could hear the other mans soft snores beside him, and he left the gentle noise lull him to sleep.
He was right on the edge of slumber when his phone buzzed to life. Buck jumped as it rang and quickly grabbed it before it would wake Eddie up. He looked down at who was calling him.
Dad.
Oh you had to be fucking with. He was on the brink of exhaustion. He was hurting. He was pissed. He was scared. Of course his father had to pick now to call him for the first time in literal ages. Typical of Phillip and Margaret. Buck stood up from the couch, stretching his back with a small grunt and blinking the sleep from his eyes.
Be walked into Eddie’s kitchen and quietly shut the door behind him. He picked up the phone against his better judgement and placed it against his ear. Calling his parents never really ended well for him and if he had half the brain to think about it, he would have told them he was busy.
But here he was, line clicking open with both of his parents on the other side of the line. “Evan?” Buck cringed. Great start mom.
“Yes. Hi,” Buck responded, busying his eyes by looking up and down the magnets on Eddies fridge. He smiled at the picture of him and Chris being hung up.
“What is going on with Maddie?” His mom demanded. Straight to the point. Buck sighs, placing his hand on his forehead, rubbing his temple. He didn’t know what to say to his parents about Maddie. He didn’t even know how to comprehend the situation that well himself. His sister was missing, and everyone was on him about fixing it. Nobody gave a single shit about he felt about the situation. Why would they?
“I’m not really sure. I think she’s just trying to get away for a bit,” Buck reasons, picking at the skin on thumb nail.
“Why would you let her leave?” His dad demanded. Buck raised an eyebrow. What did that even mean? Maddie was a full grown adult. He couldn’t make her do anything if he wanted to. Frustration bloomed in his chest. Why was everyone acting like this was his fault? He didn’t understand.
“I didn’t know she was leaving,” Buck defended himself. He leaned against the counter, pressing his thumb nail into his mouth.
“Why didn’t you notice her mental health getting bad!” His mom cried into the phone. Buck rubbed his eyes.
“I’ve been pretty busy with other things,” Buck tried. He already felt bad enough. No need to rub it into his face.
“Well you should have noticed.” His mother hissed and Buck had a serious sense of deja vu for when he said the exact words to her. Hr knew he should bite his tongue and not buy into his parents. He knew that arguing with them right now would only make him more upset. Yet, he still was that same stubborn kid that couldn’t help talking back to his parents.
“Why is that my job?” Buck argued. He knew part of his job was to look out for his sister, but he couldn’t see inside of her mind. He couldn’t know exactly what was going in her head at all times. Why did everyone expect him to.
“You’ve always been so selfish and self-centered, Evan,” His mom barked. Buck huffed out of his nose.
“How am I being selfish?” He spat back, hand pulling through his hair.
He heard his dad sigh through the phone. “Your mom is just emotional and scared, Evan, we both are.” Buck rubbed his temples.
“You just wouldn’t understand. You don’t know the things she’s tried!” His mom sobbed. Buck slapped his forehead. He can’t take this.
“What does that even mean?” He been feeling that way a lot lately. Why are people around him speaking in some code language he didn’t seem to understand. Talking about events he didn’t seem to understand. It was pissing him off.
“See!” His mom shouted, “this is just like the time you were too busy hanging out with your friends at your birthday party, to know your sister tried to hang herself in the bathroom.” Buck’s blood ran cold. His fingers squeezed around the countertop. His breath hitched.
“…what?”
“Margaret!” His father scolded. He could hear his mom crying.
“He was being selfish! He deserves to know!” He could hear his parents arguing on the other side of the line for a moment before it suddenly cut. The room went silent.
Buck slowly set his phone down on Eddie’s counter. His hands were shaking. He could feel his stomach twisting inside of him. His organs felt like they were squishing and twisting together. His body felt wring. Everything felt wrong.
His sister tried to hang herself? At his birthday party? Which one? How old was he? Why did he never know about this?
Buck ran his fingers through his hair, letting them catch on the knots and tangles. His fingers trembled.
Was this what Chimney was referencing? Was he a horrible brother? Why hadn’t he noticed? He was selfish. He was ignorant. He was stupid.
All the times his parents had called him an idiot through the years. He really was an idiot. Wasn’t he. He was always too damn focused on himself to see when anyone else needed help.
His firsts tightened into his hair as he squeezed his eyes shut.
You are exhausting.
The words appeared in his mind like a bomb setting off. Eddie had apologized for that. Buck knows Eddie didn’t mean what he had said and that he was just upset and high on emotions at the time. Yet, the way he felt when his best friend told him that never really left him. He'd always struggled with being a burden. Having that fear reinforced by every single important person in his life, even if they didn’t mean to, didn’t help his fear.
God, he felt so fucking stupid. Why was he so stupid? He was just messing around with his friends while his sister was trying to kill herself. Why was he so fucking dumb?
A hand touched his forearm. “Buck?” He flinched, mind being ripped back into the present. Eddie was standing in front of him. The man was half asleep. Hair tussled. Eyes squinting. Clothes wrinkled. Buck just stared at him. “Are you okay?” Eddie asked him.
No. Nothing was okay. Everyone was expecting him how to fix a situation with his sister that he was terrified about himself. He didn’t know what to do and everyone was acting like he did. It wasn’t okay. Nothing is okay!
“Buck- breathe.” Eddie’s hand pressed flat against his chest. The man exaggerated his breathing for Buck to follow. Buck did his best to suck in air as Eddie did. Was he having a panic attack? He felt like it.
Buck forced himself to breathe in and out. In and out. He kept his eyes staring straight into the brown of Eddie’s. Just focus in Eddie. Focus on the kitchen. Focus on the world around him and not the things that he couldn’t control. Breathe in. Breathe out. In. Out. Buck blinked.
“What’s going on, man?” Eddie’s voice was filled with such gentleness and care that Buck couldn’t take it. It made him want to cry and smile at the same time. Instead-
“Did you ever blame yourself when Chris was mentally struggling after Shannon died?” Buck asked. It seemed easier than just telling Eddie what had happened. Remembrance and hurt flashed through Eddie’s eyes. It took a minute for the other man to respond. Buck didn’t rush him.
“At first, yes. I’m his dad. In my brain, I should have been able to protect him from everything,” Eddie sighed, then continued, “But there wasn’t anything I could do to remove the pain of a boy who lost his mother. All I could do was be there for him when I could.” Buck nodded as Eddie spike, desperately trying to blink back the tears that were beginning to form in his eyes. “Why do you ask?”
He didn’t really know. Maybe hearing Eddie say he felt guilty would make his own guilt not feel self centered. The guilt surrounding someone else’s mental health journey wasn’t easy to navigate. Everyone told you it wasn’t about you and to stop making yourself a victim of the situation. Nobody ever talks about the crippling feeling that somehow it was all your fault. That you should have noticed. That if a single thing had gone differently, you would be without a sibling and it would be all your fault. That she could be gone right now and you did absolutely nothing to stop it from happening. The thought of Maddie being gone took the air from his lungs. He attempted to suck a deep breath in, as he wiped his eyes.
“My mom told me that Maddie tries to kill herself at one of my birthday parties when I was little- and everyone is expecting me to know how to fix whats going on right now. And I don’t know how to fix it,” Buck rambled. Eddie didn’t move to cut him off or interrupt him. He let Buck get it all off his chest before speaking.
“First of all, I’m sorry for not thinking about how hard this all is for you. Maddie is your sister and shes missing.” Buck nodded, wiping hot tears off of his cheeks. God, he felt so ridiculous for crying. “Second of all, I don’t know why your parents decided to bring that up today, but Buck, that is not your fault. You were a kid.” Buck takes a trembling breath in. “Your parents had zero right to expect you to somehow know that Maddie was struggling. That is not your fault.”
Buck wanted to shake his head. He wanted to sob and tell Eddie he was wrong. That this all was his fault and he should have known. He should have been able to help her. Instead he just sat around playing at this stupid party.
Yet, the way Eddie was looking at him made him want to believe. This wasn’t his fault. Not what happened all those years ago. And not what was happening now.
“Then why does everyone expect me to fix the fact that shes gone,” Buck whispered, his voice cracking under the weight of his emotions. Chimney was so mad at him. His parents were pissed. Everyone was worried.
“They shouldn’t be. It isn’t your responsibility to know exactly whats going on with your sister at all times,” Eddie hummed softly, pulling Buck’s hand away from where he had been tearing into the skin. “And I will call Bobby right now if thats what you wanted, and he would chew the shit out of Chim for hitting you. He had no right to do that.” The reminder of the hit still stung across his eye and cheek. Buck shakes his head, smiling gently for the first time that night.
“Thanks, but I’d rather not bother Cap with all this,” Buck responded. Eddie nodded at him, flashing that soft reassurance smile he always seemed to have.
“Your choice, but if you change your mind, I will call Chimney myself to yell at him. Buck laughed. He wiped the remaining saltiness from his eyes.
The sickness in his stomach was slowly starting to subside. His organs were slowly untwisting inside of him. He felt like he could breathe again. Like he was safe. Right here in Eddie’s house. Buck sighed.
“Thanks Eddie.” He hummed.
“Anytime Buck.” The other responded. They stood there facing each other in a brief moment of awkward silence. Eddie shook his head with a fond laugh. “Come on, bring it in.” Buck chuckled as Eddie pulled him into a tight hug. He let his arms come up and wrap around his best friend, holding him close. The fear and anxiety and weight that had been following his every move since Maddie left slowly drifted to the back of his mind. Here, in Eddie’s house, in Eddie’s arms, he felt nothing but safe. Like the world couldn’t put a harmful finger on him. Warm and cared about.
Deep down Buck knew that wasn’t an entirely normal feeling to have around your best friend, but he didn’t care. That was a worry for another day.
Right now, he was safe.