Chapter Text
Standing there, watching Kaeya half stagger half run away was more painful than Diluc would be willing to admit.
But he didn’t follow. No matter how much he wanted to make sure the cyro got back safely, that he would be okay, he stood still and waited, because he knew his presence was not welcome. At all.
The words Kaeya said repeated in his mind and he didn’t even try to clear them. He had no right.
I deserve his anger. His hate.
And if that meant standing there, letting the knight pour his feelings and anger out, then that was what he would do. Part of him was glad that Kaeya finally spoke his mind about it – justified all of Diluc’s own self-hate.
Even with this, you make it about yourself.
‘You don’t get to pretend you’re doing this for anyone but yourself!’
He was right. Try as he might and pretend he’s serving a greater justice, all the pyro’s really doing is fulfilling a self-interested desire to be something he’s not. To try and do something good instead of just fucking everything up.
You think a year of this will make up for the years you spent all over Tyvat, killing and torturing others?
He stood there, for another few minutes, numb and disconnected before forcing his feet to move towards the Headquarters. If he’s not there in the morning, Jean won’t be happy.
-{o}-
By the time he got to the gates, he had calmed down yet his stride remained fast. The guards seemed surprised but said nothing as the Captain rushed past them without a word and headed for his own chambers.
What a fucking day.
He had two- no, three public outbursts today, clearly on edge, and the guards aren’t blind. He can’t even keep his shit together in front of his men, how is he supposed to keep calm when faced with his own father?
It was your own idea.
Slamming the door shut, Kaeya leaned his back against it, taking in quick and ragged breaths. He could feel himself tremble and shake, could feel the usual cold sensation creeping up his fingers, his arms, up to his neck until it felt like he was being strangled by his own panic.
Only then did he notice he was still crying. The liquid was hot against his cheek, dripping down and he focused on that sensation. Tried to calm his breathing, past the coldness, past the fear and pain and anger.
In 1, 2, 3, 4 - hold 1, 2, 3 - out 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 - repeat.
It took a bit, but he managed. Wasn’t the first time he recovered from something like that, but it’s been a while since it’s been this strong. His Vision was casting the room in a pale light, like moonlight and the cyro almost laughed.
The day was barely ending and yet it feels like it’s been a month. He really needs to sleep. Even though the nightmares will come, anything was better than standing there, overthinking.
As he walked towards the bed, Kaeya passed the full-body mirror on the way. Usually, he’d ignore it, but he caught his own reflection.
The deep bags under his red-rimmed eye, tear tracks, skin paler than usual… He looked like a mess.
A moment of hesitation, before he reached back and undid the strap of his eyepatch. Held it up a second longer, before gently lowering it, watching as his right eye stared back at him.
It was still gold on black, still unsettling. It felt wrong, seeing it when he couldn’t see with it – like it wasn’t his. Carefully, he reached up, traced the socket with his fingers and then reached up above his brow.
Using two fingers, he pressed his nails against the skin. Not hard, just enough to feel it, to scrape. Slowly, he pulled his fingers down, down the brow, across the eyelid and down his cheek. The result were two angry, red lines – like a scar. Like a mark that his eye was damaged, that there was something wrong with it. Poof, other than the strange colour.
Looking at himself there, the sudden urge to smash the mirror took him over. Fist already formed, he took a swing but stopped halfway – barely. Stood there, staring at himself in horror, at his shaking arm, before swiftly turning and going to bed. Just plopped down, face-first into the pillows, and prayed sleep took him quickly.
He didn’t want to be awake anymore.
-{o}-
Jean had no idea how long she has been in the library, going through three different books. Because that’s all they had on Khaenri'ah. The country was mostly an unknown, with random reports, rumours and some tales of bards.
While she wasn’t sure about the authenticity of these, it at least gave her an idea of what the people are – or could be like.
Mostly, their advance alchemy and inventions. How the legend of ‘Gold’ goes and what their experiments have brought on the world. It’s unnerving, but she files it away in a part of her mind for later.
Maybe she could ask Barbatos.
A commotion – again – caught her attention. An instant thought of her friends came to her, so she stood up and rushed towards the hall.
There, at the staircase, she just barely caught a glimpse of blue and white and felt how the temperature of the area was cooler than it should’ve been.
What happened?
Turning to the guards, she didn’t even have to ask before Wood spoke: “Captain Albrich just returned! He seemed… upset.”
Sighing, Jean put a hand to her head. Of course, he left. But at least he came back, so nothing too bad must’ve happened. She should probably go check on Kaeya, but maybe letting him calm down a bit isn’t a bad idea.
That was the plan anyway. Until she saw Diluc slowly walking in.
He was tense, that much was obvious. And the way his face was masking any emotions, told her of an inner struggle. She connected the dots, though hoped she was wrong in them.
“Good evening,” he said coolly, giving a bow of his head.
“Evening,” she nodded back.
They stared at one another for a few seconds, the anemo seeing how haggard and tired her friend was.
“Talk with me a moment,” she said, nodding to her office and walking there. There was a hesitation before the pyro’s footsteps were behind her.
-{o}-
He didn’t want to be here. This was the last place he wanted to be. And yet, Diluc still walked in and closed the door, stopping a few steps in front of the desk and resting his hands behind his back.
“…What happened?” Jean asked, softly, looking at him from the other side of the desk.
“Reconnaissance.” His tone was curt and simple, almost like a knight reporting to a superior.
“You went ahead with Kaeya’s plan?” she sounded more tired than surprised.
“Yes.”
“Even though we agreed not to?”
“He was going to do it either way. I thought it’d be better if I tried to help.”
“And how did that work out for you?”
A pause. He clenched his fists, locked his jaw and squared his shoulders. He knew it wasn’t an accusation, but it was hard to hear it as anything else.
You fucked up.
“Could have gone better,” he admitted, hoping the guilt wasn’t showing. “Although Sir Kaeya was the one gathering information. I suggest it best to ask him about success.”
He saw Jean’s hand twitch, her brow furrow. Shit. Something he said gave him away.
“That again.” Diluc blinked, unsure what she meant. But her expression hasn’t changed and she was frowning now.
Opening his mouth to ask, she cut him off: “Whenever you two have an argument, you sound so detached.”
She wasn’t wrong. Removing himself from any closeness to Kaeya was his go-to tactic in dealing with the fallout. Usually, people aren’t aware there’s anything wrong, because they don’t know better.
And whose fault is that?
“What happened?” and her voice, while concerned, was firm. Her eyes held the determination and stubbornness of a friend who has had enough.
“Bad timing and a misunderstanding,” the pyro explained, not looking at her.
“I’m not asking about tonight.” And he looked up. “I’m asking about that day, years ago.” A pause. “What happened between you two?”
And he wanted to laugh. Because it’s exactly the same, isn’t it? Bad timing and a misunderstanding. It’s how it’s always gone – ever since that day. Just that this time, the roles were reversed.
And he didn’t try to kill you.
“I almost killed him,” he admitted and it was the first time he’s confessed that out loud, to another person. “I would have.”
Jaen’s eyes opened wide and she took in a quick gasp. He could tell she was trying to understand it all, forming events in her mind and he could already tell she was wrong.
“That…” she started, cleared her throat and masked her expression. “That explains a few things…”
Shrugging, Diluc spoke: “It’s not your concern.”
At those words, it was like a window was cracked open during a storm – papers got picked up and scattered, a hot wind blew against his face and anything light started swaying.
“It is my concern,” Jean almost hissed, eyes narrow and voice hard. “You two – both of you – are my friends. And I’ve had to sit on the side-lines, watching you two go from brothers to strangers at best, enemies at worst. Do not , tell me it’s none of my concern.”
Diluc swallowed and braced himself for a possible fight – years of fight or flight instincts kicking in. But the wind was slowly dying down as the anemo calmed her breathing. She always had more control over her Vision than most.
“Tell me what happened.” And it wasn’t a request or a question. Not a hint of sympathy. Just a demand.
“…” the pyro hesitated, glancing towards the door before looking her in the eyes: “It’s not my secret to tell.”
Judging by the way she locked her jaw and glared at him, that clearly wasn’t the answer she wanted to hear. But this was Jean. She knew there were things that weren’t meant for everyone. That people had their secrets and their own issues. She understood.
Didn’t mean she was giving up.
“Then tell me why you two are still at each other’s throats. I understand… healing takes time, but this…” and she motioned to his person. “It feels like you two don’t even want to get along anymore.”
And at that, he did laugh. It was broken and cynical, with his eyes holding pain and guilt not many would even understand. But she waited, let his laugh turn into a choked sob before he collected himself.
“You have no idea how hard we want to try,” and his voice was shaky, his eyes hurting. “But no matter what we-… what I try to do, I make it worse.”
Jean’s expression took on a sympathetic look, but she took in a breath and braced herself for something that was clearly going to be hard: “So what… you just, give up?”
The pyro’s eyes snapped to her, head tilted in confusion: “Give up? I just- what’s the point? I clearly can’t make it better – I make it worse! And Kaeya-!” he choked on the name, swallowed and tried again. “Kaeya clearly wants nothing to do with me!”
“That’s a damn lie!” He hasn’t heard Jean curse in years, and it stunned him to see her so upset. “Kaeya cares about you just as much as you clearly care about him! But whatever happened between you two, it made you blind to each other’s hints and attempts! To boot, you don’t even try and talk about it!” she slammed her fist against the desk, sending more papers scattering.
“There’s nothing to talk about! I fucked up-“
“And now you’re just not going to bother anymore? Because it’s not easy or simple? Because it’s easier to just let him hate you than try and make amends?” her words cut into him almost as much as the wind blowing through the room. “I never took you for a coward, Diluc. You always tried to make things right, to do the right thing, no matter what! And yet here, with Kaeya of all people, you give up so easily!”
He couldn’t say anything to that, just stand there and take it. Let her words sink in, wrap around his heart and pull.
You’ve been running.
Do you really even want to make amends?
Coward.
“He deserves better,” Jean spoke more softly, stepping closer slowly. “So do you. You both deserve to… to clear the air. If you fucked up, then you have to fix it. You owe it to him. And if he doesn’t want to accept that…” she trailed off, looked away.
He shouldn’t. He should stay away.
“It’s his choice. And I know you’ll respect that.”
I will.
“But by not even trying anymore… You’re not giving him the option, at all. You’re taking his choice away.”
Just like his father…
“So… just… keep trying. For both your sakes.”
He stood, shell shocked, thinking about everything and nothing and he could feel his walls breaking down. Blinking to stop the tears made them come out faster and he wiped them away quickly, before nodding.
“Thank you… Jean. I-,” he cleared his throat and gave her a grateful smile. “I needed someone to kick my ass.”
She chuckled softly, set a hand on his shoulder and gave him a reassuring squeeze. “Anytime. Now go to sleep. You look like shit.”
He wished her good night, turned and walked up towards his chambers, heart heavy but hope finally blooming in his chest.
-{o}-
It took too long for him to fall asleep. His mind wouldn’t quiet, his thoughts running wild. But at least he didn’t have to deal with the nightmares yet.
He wondered if Diluc made it back safely.
He was worried about what Jean would do when she found out what he had done.
He didn’t want to think of what plans his father had in store.
But it was hard not to think about any and all of that. He was the reason for all of it after all. But now that he’s started down this path, he’ll have to walk it until the end.
Either alone, or with anyone willing to stand by his side.
[x]
By the time he made it to his bed, he was barely standing.
The day had been long and painful, both mentally and physically. The burns and wounds were the easier part to handle, however. It was his own personal thoughts that would torment him this night.
He already knew he’d be reliving the events with Kaeya. Seeing how differently it could’ve gone. How many things he could’ve done better.
Seeing the details of his feelings and actually paying attention to them.
And yet despite that, there were words of encouragement underneath it all. They’re not as loud as the other thoughts, but maybe, maybe they’ll help. He really hoped they’ll let him do what has to be done.
He doesn’t want to leave Kaeya by himself any longer.
[x]
The day had been exhausting and she was more than ready for bed. Even still, she was awake and thinking.
Thinking on the words and confessions she heard today. Of the emotions they revealed to her willingly, and the deeper – hidden ones they thought no one would ever see.
She did, however. She always was able to read them. The perks of growing up together as they did.
And she really hoped that she made the right call. In the end, it seemed so sure, yet doubt always made her worry.
Because not everything can be solved so easily. Especially something that’s been festering for years.
But she trusts they will manage and she’ll help them.
-{o}-
The next day, everyone was awake by the time Barbra arrived. Jean was the only one who had actually left her room, having a job to do, while Diluc and Kaeya stayed in their chambers, brooding.
But when the time for the check-up came, they all met in the pyro’s room.
“Hmm, the healing is going more slowly than I thought,” the hyro admitted, her hands hovering over Diluc’s bare yet scar-ridden back. “Have you been resting as I instructed?”
“More or less,” came the reply and no one really corrected it.
“Well, I’d say another day or two and they should be fully healed.”
“Good thing I’m used to burns then,” the pyro tried for a joke but only got concerned looks in return. Rolling his eyes, he instead focused on putting on his shirt.
“Thank you, Barbra,” Jean gave a grateful smile. “We’ll make sure he doesn’t exert himself too badly.”
“Anytime,” was the Sister’s cheery reply. “If anything bad happens, be sure to call me. Until next time,” with a wink and a twirl, she was gone, humming as she left.
“Well, good to know you’re going to be fine,” the Grand Master turned to the redhead who was sitting on the bed, looking at the ground. She noticed Kaeya hadn’t moved from the chair and was silent this whole time.
“…I’ll leave you two to talk.” And with that, she left, closing the door softly behind her.
A few moments passed in silence, neither looking at the other before the cyro sighed and got to his feet.
“Well, you’ll survive. Good to know. I’ll let you rest,” and he turned to leave.
“Kaeya,” the call of his voice stopped him, surprise all over his face.
Turning, the two looked at one another for a second, two, before Diluc swallowed, looked away, sighed, and faced him again.
“I have to… apologize.”
And the words came out easier than either expected. The room felt tense, yet remained at a steady temperature.
“I’m sorry,” Diluc continued on, a sudden frantic look on his expression. As if he was afraid if he didn’t speak quickly enough, the Knight would leave.
“I’m sorry about last night.” Start small. “I should’ve chosen my words more carefully, given what you were doing…” a pause. Neither moved.
“I wasn’t there looking for you to – to do anything. I was looking out for you, in case those people tried anything. Tried to take you, or – or attack you. Or something!” his hands were twisting with each other and he wanted to look away but forced himself to keep his gaze on Kaeya.
“The amount of stress you’re under…” he took a breath. “I should’ve known better. Waited for you to at least get back not… Not corner you in an alley like that.”
Another breath of silence, before Diluc offered one last time: “I am sorry. I hope you… You know I didn’t mean it in such a way.”
And that made it sound so final. Like that’s all he had to get off his chest and that Kaeya would leave now.
He’d be lying if he said he wasn’t tempted.
“I’m sorry too,” the cryo choked out, a weak smile on his face. “For attacking out of the blue like that…”
“Had it coming,” and the redhead gave a small grin in return.
Another beat of awkward silence. Of both of them, wanting to say more – to talk about more. But neither brave enough for it. Not yet. Start small. It’s a process and they’ve just begun.
But it’s a start.
“I’m… probably going to try and talk to them again…” Kaeya said, shifted on his feet. “I could… use some backup?” and the tone was hopeful.
“Of course, absolutely.” Diluc didn’t even hesitate, standing up. “Just say when and where.”
“Well… We don’t even really know where they’re sleeping or something. And… we might want to tell Jean what I found out last night.”
“Ah, yeah, right, of course.”
Another pause. Them just looking at each other, both anxious yet… relieved. Then: “Kaeya?”
“Yeah?”
“…I made you a promise, years ago… I’m going to keep it. No matter what.”
‘No one is going to take you away.’
“…Thank you, Diluc.”
-{o}-
“Ah, I see you’ve returned,” Ihtald smiled as the two entered the room.
“Hey, new day new info,” Oser shrugged, leaning back on the wall. “Unless you got another job for me?”
“Did you encounter any trouble?” he looked at Terwy, who was standing by the door, unmoving.
‘No,’ was the signed reply. ‘Avoided a group of slimes.’
“Could’ve taken ‘em.”
“And probably exposed yourself in the process,” Egith rolled her eyes from where she was by a desk, fiddling with a contraption.
“Hey, I’m the sneaky one here! And they’re not bad either,” Oser nodded towards their silent companion, grinning.
“Well, you can prove us by doing your job,” Ihtald crossed his arms. “A bit of a harder target than last time.”
“Pfft, Mond has no hard targets.”
“Knights of Favonius Headquarters.”
“…Shit.”
“You’ll be spying on the Acting Grand Master.”
A suppressed snort escaped Terwy’s lips as the mercenary’s mouth opened wide.
“Oh c’mon! You’re trying to get me caught!”
“At least we wouldn’t have to pay you then.”
“No one asked you, Eggy!”
“Enough!”
Silence, everyone turning towards Ihtald. “My son is likely still unsure about his loyalties. Understandable. While we focus on his rift between Ragnvindr and what happened there, you’ll get us the information.”
‘What is the plan?’ Terwy stepped a bit closer, unsure.
“For us, it’s stalling and getting as much out of Ragnvindr as possible. You don’t have to know more.”
A moment of agitation came to their face before Terwy bowed their head lightly and stepped back.
“Now then… Let’s get to work.”