Chapter Text
Ray sighed as he sat on the piano bench in the studio, his arms resting on the flat top of his wife’s beloved instrument. The air was still around him, aside from the dust particles he could see reflecting off the sunlight streaming in through the windows from the back wall of the studio. This place held so many memories, for all of them. He sniffles then reaches for a tissue and blows his nose, scrunching up his face as the loud noise disrupts the peaceful silence around him. “It’s been a long time baby,” Ray says, his eyes water at the corners, tears threatening to spill. He dabs his eyes, the salt water soaking into the fresh tissue in his hand.
He takes a long look around the room, taking it all in. The studio, the home he spent his entire life in with his family. The place where Rose was able to live as the person she’s always wanted to become. The place where Julie first learned how to play an instrument. He never wanted to move, he was just… lost when Rose died.
When his soul left the world of the living and he was left to raise two children on his own he didn't have a clue what to do. Two children, who he loves with his whole heart but sometimes… sometimes he just needs time to himself, like now. Time where he could just be and not have to worry about anything, about bills or dinner or where his next paycheck is coming from. Sure, he’s been banned from playing any instruments for the rest of his life according to Rose but there’s just something about the studio that’s so… calming.
Ray sighs deeply and folds his arms on the piano, resting his head on them as he closes his eyes, a small smile on his face as he lets the memories wash over him. The good times and the bad… the days Bobby and Rose were both doing so well, the days where they could just live. Where Bobby would get into a riff off with Rose and leave Ray laughing on the couch, only for him to tug Bobby back into his chest so he could get maximum snuggle time.
The times Rose would brush though his hair, softly singing a lullaby in Spanish, a tune sweet and silky like honey, calming the air around her. Singing was her superpower, Ray would tell her as he wrapped her up in his arms. Singing was her power, her gift. It made her sound like an angel, one he’s never heard before. “I love you, mi mariposa,” Ray whispered as he cradled his head in his arms. His soft breathing fills the air and he swallows thickly, unable to keep the tears from falling Ray lets them spill down his cheeks, staining his sleeves with salt as he cries.
There’s been so much pain in their lives, all of their lives. So much suffering and so many woes, so many things that they shouldn’t have had to experience. “Lo siento,” Ray continues, standing up to stretch his arms over his head. His fingers gently trace along the wood of the piano as he walks around it the long way. “I should be better,” he stops when his finger falls off the end of the piano. “I should…” he curls the fist at his side and his nails dig into his palm. The sting was familiar, the pain was a memory, one that cuts through the loss and love and suffering in his heart.
A whine escapes Ray's mouth and he wraps his hand around his shirt, clutching at his chest, his muscles all tense and uncomfortable. "Rose," Ray says, his voice doesn't sound like his. It's floaty and distant, like the world is collapsing around him and he's falling through a chasm into a pit of never ending darkness. He can't do it, he can't. Ray's knees hit the ground hard and he can feel the bruises start to form but he doesn't care. He just wants someone to hold him. To care for him, to love him and someone to come back. Someone to come back to him.
Ray's breathing turns into uneven gasps of air sounding like he's a fish out of water. His band's grip his biceps tightly as he squeezes his eyes shut in an attempt to get the tears to stop. Ray wants to sleep, he wants his Rose and he wants his Bobby back. And he knows it's childish, and he knows it's selfish and he knows how important music is to Trevor but Ray… he just wants someone . He just wants to be held. He wants to be told - "it's going to be okay," the voice floats in one ear and out the other but he hears it. It isnt his. Someone else is in the studio with him.
Ray reaches out blindly and the person grabs his hands with their own. His eyes are still squeezed shut but he could name the face belonging to those guitar-calloused hands anyday.
Bobby.
No. Not Bobby.
Trevor.
Oh Ray doesnt care about that. He cries and lets Trevor pull him in, trapping him in his arms. "Ray," Trevor says quietly, his hand automatically moving to gently tug his nails out of his arms. "It's going to be alright honey, you just need to breathe." Trevor sits on the ground in his million dollar suit cradling Ray in his arms. Ray wants Bobby, he wants his baby boy. He wants his love and his joy and his p ride back. Trevor's movements are akward, unsure. Even back when the three of them were together Rose handled the more… emotional side of things.
"Bobby," Ray says before he can stop himself. "Bobby please," his fist finds Trevor's tie, and grabs it with his hand, holding onto it tightly. "C - can't breathe." Ray hiccups and the tears dried on his cheeks stain his skin red. "Need - need you. P -" Trevor pushes him quietly then helps him get a bit more comfortable. Once they were all settled Trevor's voice fills the air and Ray closes his eyes, listening as he sings. Songs of heartache and love, brothers and sinners and saints. Songs of hopes, dreams, and flower petals.
Songs about Roses, and stems with hidden thorns.
"I'm sorry," Trevor says after Ray's breathing is normal for a few minutes. He doesn't stop holding him though. "You didn't…" he sighs and presses his face into Ray's hair, just like how Ray did to him when they were kids.
God they were all just kids .
Trevor's chest rises and falls with every breath he takes and Ray can feel his heartbeat through his shirt. His head is turned, pressed to the side against the flat surface. His eyes are still closed, he's processing it all, trying to keep up with the dream he's having. "This is a very nice dream," Ray says softly as he plays with Trevor's fingers. He interlocks their hands together and Trevor's arm tightens around him.
"You arent dreaming love," Trevor says softly. "I'm really here." He gently cups Ray's cheek with his freehand. "I know I havent been there, that… that you've been alone." Ray smiles at Trevor sadly and leans into his touch. "I think I might still love you," he says with a light chuckle. Ray smiles back and leans in to kiss Trevor's nose.
"Good," Ray says with his own smile of victory. "Because I've never stopped loving you." He nuzzles their noses together and snuggles into Trevor's chest. "No matter which you you decide to be."
Trevor sniffles and hugs Ray tighter, and maybe, Ray thinks to himself as he snuggles into his boyfriend. Maybe if this was all he had for the rest of eternity, he could let himself be happy again. With Trevor he can be happy again, and maybe… maybe it isnt what they had , but Ray… he just wants to be loved by someone. So maybe, they'll learn to love each other again. One day.