Chapter Text
Benrey turns their Official Bean Boy™ cap around backward, hides their apron between the wall and the big-ass, fucking, uh, Water Tower in the back, and clocks out. "You're leaving me?" Devyn asks, pausing in their attempts at cleaning The Fucky Blender and looking at him with big sad eyes.
It feels good doing helpful; the Bean Building is better because of Benrey working there, and he works with people who like him and trust him and it's. It's good. Benrey likes having silly little tasks to do and talking to his coworks about stuff and things when they're not making so much juices for sale. He gives Devyn a lil smile and shrugs, taking another step away with his Benrey Special Drink in one hand. "yeah, i getta go play viddy games, suck it." She flicks soapwater after him, and he shouts, fleeing out the blocky metal door that leads to the little outside hallway. He shuts it behind him and the security system beeps a little, doing its job, everything checks out, nice, nice.
Benrey turns around and Bubby is standing there, leaning on the hand railing with a cigarette in one of xir hands, a big ol' hat in the other. Wh. That's uh. Not right.
Benrey opens their mouth. "Don't say anything stupid." Benrey shuts their mouth. Bubby keeps leaning, looking at the little cigarette xe's holding and then up at the brick wall across from xir, and then back at xir hands. Not at Benrey. "We need to have a talk about the shit we pulled in Black Mesa." Benrey stares at the side of Bubby's bald head. This is better over here, thank you? He can just stand where he is right against the door and they can talk about every Fucked Up and/or Evil that Benrey did without looking at each other and it's okay? It's alright to act this way? "Quit staring, dipshit," Bubby grumbles before putting the cigarette in their mouth so they can fish around in their jort pocket to hold out a second, crooked cigarette. For... Benrey? For to take?
Benrey steps loudly over and leans his back against the hand railing (Felix said to not do that because it might pop out of the bolts 'cause it's shitty, so he's Breaking Da Rulez; Benrey doesn't care though, 'cause of amab. All managers (shift) are bastards) so he doesn't have to look at Bubby when he puts a hand out for xir to drop the poison stick into. Cigarette bunt. "you're not supposed to smoke in here," Benrey tells xir because they need something to say.
Bubby looks at him. Benrey looks at the door in front of him and not the oldman next to him. How the turntables. "I– yes, I know that. Do you think I'm breaking the law on accident?" The thing about doors is that they are so interesting? Benrey's got so much interest for. Metal rectangles. Doors away from painful talks are their hyperfixation and brother? Benrey's about to start infodumping. Bubby sigh-scoffs, and then there's nasty smoke floating around in the outside hall around them. "Smoking fucking sucks," Bubby says, raspy and with about-to-cough type air.
Benrey's not good at the thing where you have a conversation that's really another conversation. He and Tommy do it for shits and giggles but not for like, serious, all the feelings stuff. Gotta say what you're feeling, even if you start with the colors 'cause of the words are too choky. "why'd you do it then? gonna pick up– pick up a habit just to fuckin, uh, complain? about it? that's fucked up, bro, what's—" but that's not how they talk to Bubby, and they both know it, so Benrey cuts out and fiddles with their bent, unlit cigarette.
Bubby lowers xir also-bent, lit cigarette back down to wrist-on-handrail height by dropping xir wrist to the handrail. Xe coughs for a second, clears xir throat, and then says, "I don't want to smoke." Benrey wonders if the 'no stupid' rule is still going on, and how mad Bubby would get if he broke it to say cool how 'bout you uhh don't. then. It doesn't seem stupid, but nothing Benrey ever says seems stupid, and people still look at them funny anyway. 'Cause of they're. Mean. That's why. "I– when it was just– ghh. Look. You remember how you wanted to fuck up Gordon's whole shit for no goddamn reason, right?" Benrey bites the orange off their cigarette. It doesn't taste like orange slices or like tangerine anxiety or like clementine is feeling fine. Just tastes like cigarette filter. "That was a 'yes'," Bubby says, not really sharp but not really soft either. "It always made perfect fucking sense, so of course, you did it! Why wouldn't we try and get a Hard Reset by killing his stupid ass?"
"we wanted it," Benrey says, because they think they get the conversation about the cigarettes, now.
Bubby scoffs and then hacks up both of xir lungs but only cough-wise, not lungs-wise. They're still in there. It's fine. Don't worry about it. Benrey checks out of the corner of their eye to make sure. When the coughing dies down, Bubby gestures at him with a cigarette hand that goes in and out of Benrey's line of sight. "Exactly." They make a grossed-out noise about it, but breathe in more smoke.
Benrey stares for a second at his orange-less cigarette, and then leans on the rail next to the oldman. "i just, umm. make sure someone else wants what i want. 'cause of the. they'd yell. if. they'd do so much yelling if i, did sumn fucked up."
"Like I did?" Bubby asks, and this time it's sharp; sharp and flat and not At Benrey, which is where he was expecting the sharpness to go. Benrey takes a deep breath of nasty smokeair and finally looks up at xir so that they know what the fuck xir face is doing. Xe looks... tired. Benrey doesn't have room to talk, probably, on account of they don't sleep anymore, but Bubby looks like xe's been kept up, not keeping xirself up. Bubby's looking back, and there's something familiar about it, from when things were 100% real not the 90% they are now, but Benrey can't figure out what it is.
Benrey doesn't like forgetting things like this.
What were they talking about?
Fuck, wait, what is Bubby even talking, the, huh? Wha? "yeah," Benrey says, "you, um. yelled So loud, don't you remember?" They figure it's only polite to ask; Benrey doesn't remember a lot of what was going on.
Bubby looks away, hurt guilty pitying angry, and the Familiar grabs Benrey by the back of his brain and shakes him like a chew toy. "Are you stupid? I didn't yell at all when we got him brutalized by the military!" Benrey thinks he's frowning. He's not sure, a hundred percent, because everything is weird and not how it's supposed to go, but his face is doing. It's doing something. Definitely. Benrey breathes out hard even though they don't really need air or anything and their feelings about the Familiar and the weird-new all come out in an ugly mitch match of brownish purple-orange. Bubby says, "Nghyehh," flinching away one piece of body at a time.
"you yelled after," Benrey argues, and after he says it, he can hear that it was confused.
Even sharper than before, "Oh, because that means anything."
"you gonna– do it again? sell—"
Bubby rounds on them before they can finish, dropping xir cigarette and punching them so hard they go flying into the door, hat getting knocked off by the metal as they fall flat on their face. Benrey blinks into the conk creet of the little ledgething he was standing on a few seconds ago. That's, um– ow? Probably? Owie? Ouch? "I'm not going to let any of them get hurt again," and this one is sharp At Benrey, like they're letting him know The Rules and letting him know that if he breaks them, it'll be so fucked up that they'll just kill him.
Benrey licks the ground. Tastes like ground, alright. He could, um– go back to the void like this, if he wanted. Let the outside hall dissolve like the lil nocap pills Gundy dared him to chug that one time. Benrey flops over onto their back and blinks into the up, staring blankly at Bubby, breathing like xe's trying not to start coughing but there's still a cough stuck in xir throat that's gonna get out in a lil bit. (Jefferem has little blue eyes like that, Benrey half-mumbles on the inside of his brain – the Familiar clicks like a collar and stops itching – itty bitty, blue and bright. Electric eyes.) "smoking hurts, bro. it's all– it's all fucked up."
The cough comes out like it's proving Benrey's point, which is nice of it. "I– look, asshole, I've only got a few more years, anyway. I'm like, seventy-something. Who gives a shit." Bubby slaps xir hat onto xir head and shoves xir hands in xir pockets, slouching with... angry? Guilty? Both? Feelings are hard without the colors to talk about 'em with. (Benrey bites at the colors in his own mouth, none of that, please? Not right now? Thank you?) Benrey tilts his head. The concrete scrapes at his hair, like a worse bed.
"you think that, um... it won't hurt 'em if you die?" Bubby's eyes narrow, and the look is More of it, now, with angry and guilty and hurt all at once in a big smash of light that Benrey can taste in the back of their own throat. He smacks his lips together a little and tries to take another bite of the cigarette he got handed earlier, but apparently it got all fucked up when he was fiddling with it 'cause there's just tobacco all over his hands and little thin papers floating away. Nervous– they've got so many nerves in them, they guess. "cause i, uhhhhh, thinked that. think that. 'bout me. and i didn't even– i quit, at the end and it got all um. evil. but You got voluntold, into, into shit; you did less of it but you st– you got Made to, bro, 'n then you got all maaaad about it 'n i dumped you in an elevated. so i don't know why, anyone would even... give a shit." Benrey thinks they're making sense. They think they do a lot of the time, but then people look at them funny and it turns out they said half the shit In their head instead of out or that what they thought was how brains worked was just how Benrey Worked and they had to start all over again.
Bubby stamps xir cigarette out with the heel of xir big stompy boots and mumbles, "This was mostly just to see if I needed to get Harold to help kill you again, so I—" Benrey must make a face because Bubby flicks their hands at him and snaps— "don't look at me like that; you were a shithead! I didn't want you maiming anyone else like a goddamn rabid furby!" Benrey tries not to make more face, but Bubby still groans and holds out a warm hand to help them stand up. Or– cold hand? It's about the same as Benrey's hand when they take it and stand up, which is a little... kinda fucked up, that xe can do that. Be the same temperature. Benrey had this temperature first, no doubles? "Look, you're a lot less of a shithead, now, so it's fine." And Benrey knows olive branches when he hears one.
Benrey thinks about not smiling 'cause that usually makes people start freakouts, but Bubby's– see this man? Xe's a magic man, xe's gonna touch a hot fire, oh yeah, xe's a magic man, so xir tolerance for Freaky Shit is probably a lot higher than most peopleses's? S'ses's's? S? Benrey does a Beaming, just a little one, to take all of the branches.
Bubby runs into the rail, does a full 360˚ flip over it, and smacks into the dirt-ground with a wet thump. "AAAAAAA, OH MY GOD, WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOUR MOUTH?"
Benrey does a bigger Beaming to show off, but he keeps his voice dim behind the face. "s'got, teeth in it."
"Oh," says Bubby, and doesn't move off the ground. "...I think maybe you should stop having those."
Peter couldn't make it to the early-early shift, so Benrey took it over for today because he's a great coworker, you're welcome. He walked out of the house at Fuck O'Clockam, left toast in the toaster and a butter knife on top of the orange marging, marbleage, marivaldi, that Dr. Harold bought the last time he went to the farmer's market. For spreading, so breakfast won't just be Sad Hotbread. It'll be... Nice, Hotbread.
It's five fifteens of minutes, so like, fifteen fives, which is also seven and a half tens that Benrey's gotta stand up for until the shift stops and he can go home. He leans on the freezer just inside the back of the house and closes his eyes so he can time travel. Just a lil bit. Like a nap, but they don't need to sleep, which is good because they haven't. He didn't even get to do the 'stare at the ceiling and think' thingy because Peter texted him so late-early and he had to fix himself for more being talked at by customers so that he wouldn't bite their faces out of their heads. It's pretty rude to do that.
The freezer's hard against their shoulder, and then hard against their head when they do a little lean on it. Their spine starts to creak, so they make a better one, and wow, yeah, okay, kinda rude for the world to get spinny when they shift shape, s, shapes shift. Shapespin, more like, fucked up. Benrey leans a lil hard, less weight on his right leg and more on his left, and makes himself comfy. About seven tens, four and a half fifteensish, fourteensish five and a halfs. And then they can go home and lie on the couch and look at the ceiling. Or look at the TV.
he can look at gordon's laptop, terrified that gordon's gonna call. they've been avoiding him for months, and they can tell he's scared, just a little, even though he doesn't want to say it. they're looking down at their friends who they hate and they're laughing. "Get the fuck" benrey snaps "out of my house" "You're lucky Tomer's busy with homework and I'm not You don't get to stop coming to class stop going to school start talking to people who aren't there"
josh sobs against their chest and josh is louder, too loud, scream-sobbing "You let me die they killed me and you killed me and you didn't let me stop it" and why is the world so bright?
"you did it for symmetry" Benrey whispers
"I did it for symmetry," benrey screams
"YOU DIED FOR
The shop door opens and Benrey stands up off the freezer with a jolt like it electrified him with its shitty little current. "guh," he says, stumbling into the front automonotonous, mastication, mechanical, mathematical– fuckin' some word, to help the customer and not bite anything out of anywhere, "whuh?"
"Mornin', Benrey!" Devyn says, all crinkled with cheer like aaaa cracker. No that's– cheese. Fuck, shit, what's wrong in his brain? "You ready to clock out?"
"was... sleeben?" Benrey asks, tongue thick and heavy like honeybees live in it, and Devyn frowns. They open their mouth to say something concerned and polite but Benrey doesn't wanna hear that actually? Yeah, he's good? He's okay? It's fine? "yeah bye." Devyn skiphops 90˚ sideways to get out of his way as he jumps the counter and goes away, and they say something but he's out the door and walking back to Gordon's.
Maybe he should find the outside-hall and stay there for a bit if he's gonna be fuckin... sleeben. Snoozing and losing.
There's squeezing on their shoulder and heavy on their chest and– wet? Wh?? Benrey reels himself back into the pile of meat-adjacent on the dark couch and ohhhh, Gordon. "you're you," Benrey mumbles, sitting up with his arms coming around rote like a telephone, because rotary, you know, round and round even though it doesn't mean anything on plastic. Like they do when Gordon has a mean dream, like Gordon likes because he still doesn't hate what it feels like to get wrapped up in a skeleton's meatsuit. "gordon freeman, says so on the passport you got. s'alllll good. checks out. don't worry," Benrey says, keeping their face over his shoulder and kind of in his hair but it's so much shorter than it should be? Gordon cut it, right, brain like a st. Brain like a sieve. Because he forgets shit. He forgor. Can't remember shit, he knows that, c'mon, remembering right is from deep down that needs to stay deep down.
"Can we not–" sounds of gulping, sounds of shaking lungs– "just. Tell me about Los Ojos?" Benrey opens up twenty six of 'em, helpfully. If celery breaking could be a breathing, that's how Gordon breathes out. Not like he's breaking, but like hope is, but so's the sadness. "Yeah, very– really nice, Benrey, but I-I meant— you remember the trip, right? You– I mean, you're still..."
Benrey doesn't remember shit. The eyes aren't something he remembers, he knows. "there's a place in los ojos," he says, verdant means reverent, "that we can go, because it's safe there. no one– s'just us. and you took me to there."
Gordon nods into their neck. "And the... the sand and the mud. I asked– I told you t... a-hand you did, y, you–" oh, no, that's– more crying, shitfuckshitshitshit, Benrey can't squeeze too hard but he can't let go because that makes Gordon upset, uhhhhhhh fuck fuck fuck.
"i dunked you 'cause i wanted to fly back to mlesa," Benrey says all in a rush, too loud for the room, and Gordon doesn't stop crying but he makes a sound that might be laughing, too? Maybe?? Benrey's just gonna, keep going, keep talking until something happens, it's fine probably it's alright it's good and normal and fine. "you said if i, uh, fuckin' uhhh dunked your ass in the eyes one more time you'd put me on top of the car instead of in it and thh, uh, 'case you had bungee cords with, the. sssuupplies? and i wanted– 'wanna fly, bro!! wanna get winded hairrr' y'know, how. like dogs. so i leaped and we went underwater again and you– bro you yelled, yelt, so loudly, much, 'cause you, uhhh, 'cause." Gordon squeezes tighter, even though his shoulders are slumping with sleep and relief, resleef, and Benrey feels warm, warm, warm, like there's a lavalamp in his throat. "you said it was cold," they finish lamely, cringe finale in the fail emotional support.
Gordon whispers, "It was fucking freezing, man."
"baby," Benrey whispers back, and this time it's a whole laugh, hundred percent Benny Certified laugh, and Gordon's shaking because he thinks it's funny.
They're fine. Gordon's fine. Benrey didn't hurt him worse than he already did the first time he couldn't control himself.
Tommy's apartment is warm, with a bunch of patches of white sunlight that come in through windows that only look at other apartments, which is just a long checkers of blue balcony rail and white curtains and brown bricks and the occasional pot of plant on the balcony. The door clicks open and Benrey calls, "cold hamburger for tommy?" even though the sticker says Honey Jasmine +Strby *TOMER* because he's gotta hit 'em with the Silly McDonald's every once in a time. Keep Tommy on his toes. (They're not allowed to do it in the store, anymore, because of Felix got Big mad. Bmad. Bad– wait, fuck, that's a word already, who let that happen? Transphobic.)
Tommy's all curled up in his chair, but he uncurls a lil when Benrey unlocks his house. "Oh, h– hello! I'm Tommy!" He doesn't look up, though, which means it's a Serious Game and Benrey's not allowed to distract him because that's just fucking rude and Benrey is so polite all the time? They would never be mean to their friend? Fucked up to think about? (Benrey's scrumpled up the antagonism and hidden it beneath the security training and the TVmovie and the red and blue and pink and blue and tangerine tangerine tangerine he hid it and doesn't think about it he just looks at all the grass on top of the dirt on top of the bones just doesn't think about the bones and it's all fine. He's a good. He's a– normal, he's a normal and a good, it's fine it's fine he's good.) Benrey sets the cold hamburger in the keys tray by the door and waits so politely. Tommy clicks buttons frantically and then says, "Do you– I'm playing, uh, um... Bloodstained: Curse Of The Moon 2! We can have d– uh, dinner! When I finish this level?" Benrey doesn't answer with words or lights, just walks over and plonks themself on him, which makes Tommy breathe a little weird and move his switch around so he can still play while there's a Benny on him.
It was different games, and different things that Benrey brought him, but they used to do this a lot when they were little. (Benrey doesn't think about the bones because Tommy trusts him and because Bubby thinks he's okay now and because Dr. Harold is happy to have him back and because Darnold doesn't like the fucked up things the science team did but Darnold's okay with him so it's all normal.) Benrey mumbles something about how much they missed this, missed Tommy even though they spend all the time they're not at work or Gordon's apartment with him, and watches the red and green float through the air. Tommy taught him that one in words, what... it was so so years ago, he can't remember.
Tracking their thoughts doesn't work, not really. It's not a– he could? Probably? He thinks he could do it, at the, uh, at the earlier, but now it's all. Mud. Their brain doesn't stay in one place in their head, it goes from one thing to the next and it's a mess – feels like a mudslide but it would get said like
>translation has a big word
>word has 'melon' in it
>honeydew
>mountain dew
>that's a warrior cats name
>smokeweed
>snoop dogg
>snoop in a microwave dot vine
>could you microwave a plate so hot it explodes
>plate made of hot dogs
And it keeps going after that, but they tune out of their own brain and it's good because it keeps them distracted so they don't think about anything bad, but it's so many things, and they don't know how to stop and focus on one at a time. Tommy clicks buttons and Benrey thinks like he's rolling down a twisted fucking cycle path and he still Misses Tommy even though they're both right there. The sun's going down and the light's all yellow, now, long lines over the floor, and Benrey hasn't been paying attention for a long time, huh? (Was their brain this bad, before the– don't worry about it, don't think about it, no one's asked him so they don't notice so they're not worried about him so it's fine.) "I don't have– dinner isn't pl, uh, plaa, it's... I dunno. What dinner's gonna be," Tommy says when he puts his game down.
Benrey picks the game up again and pokes at it. "you got doordash? there's a." Something moves outside, and Benrey turns to look up at one of the balconies where a lady is lighting up a bright dot against the dim world and that's. (She had her passport, what was Benrey supposed to do? It's in the rules, bro, he can't just– wh, uh, he's gonna? Get mad just 'cause she's shooting at Gordon Freeman? Feetman? She's got her passport, it's all... s'all good, who caaaaares.) Tommy's looking at them, and Benrey blinks. Oough, they got... so many blinkers. They're looking so much right now, what's the, uh. Up. With that. "...huh?" Benrey says, and they can see behind them and to their sides and up and down and all sorts and they're keeping some eyes on the lady with the laser pointer. How long does it take to open all those eyes? How long has he been staring into all the space with no thoughts just memories?
Tommy shuffles himself a little, and now Benrey's got their legs over the arm of the chair and their head against his chest right below his neck and they can feel it rattling against their helmet when Tommy says, "We can just stay here for... a bit."
"was there a lady in. when we were in the ground?" Benrey asks because he can't stop staring or else something bad's gonna happen. He should be getting up and fighting the lady but he's not gonna do that because getting up and fighting someone he doesn't know hasn't. (Don't think about them don't worry about it it's all fine if they're buried just don't dig them up don't dig them up don't go digging.) It's been kind of umm bad. Before now.
Tommy breathes in a way like he's thinking really hard and Benrey looks at his face. "Yeah. She– she tried to, t-to, uh," Tommy's still talking but Benrey knows the words after 'tried to' because it's the only words that ever come after 'tried to' and it's 'kill us' which is. Fucked up. Whole thing's so fucked up and dying all the time. Is that him? Maybe it's whole thing and him, fucked up and dying. The lady went inside even though Benrey was watching her and her lil sniper rifle dot that wasn't red or a sniper or a rifle to make sure she wasn't doing anything but he missed it? "Benny," Tommy says and he sounds really worried and Benrey uses all of his blinkers to look down at him.
D. Own?
"oh whoops," Benrey says, and makes themself stop levitating out of their Base's lap.
The world goes yellow at the edges and Tommy says, "Stop pr... pruh, uh, acting like you don't have– bones. It's not! Benny, that's, that's bad for you!" Hm. Timestop means this is gonna be a long conversation. Benrey doesn't wanna do that.
They rotate in place, keeping their head pointed at Tommy's like a pirouette. "okay but what if i uhhh put me in the no-bone-zone, huh? you ever think about that?" His legs hit the other chairarm. Rotating through your friends is kinda rude, that's– no-clip banned, don't do that, so Benrey rotates back the other way. Just like them rotisserie chickens.
Tommy puts a palm against their ankle and they stop, bouncing a bit like when a ceiling fan's going full speed and then suddenly there's a handmeat in the way. "Benny, it's like if– like how you can't take the lime out of Sprite and still have Sprite! You're, have antagonism, and it's– that's okay." Tommy starts counting on his fingers, and Benrey stops pointing their faces together so he can look at how fast Tommy's fan is spinning. "Harold, and Bubby, and Darnold, and Gordon, and I, all have bits of Roles still... still part of us." Benrey is so fascinated by ceiling.
Tommy puts a hand on their helmet and pushes their face down so they're looking at him and augh. Fuck. That's so much red-to-blue of an expression, no, nope, uh-uh, cut it out.
Benrey tries to say that it's different for them than for everybody else, but all that comes out is bright tangerine, right in Tommy's face. "wh, uhhh, no," Benrey says. Tommy's face gets softer, and he reaches out and takes one of the orbs to put in his hand even though he knows without tasting it what that one means. Benrey smacks it out of there. Thank you. "that's. ...don't look at that, it's fine? n– sh, it's fine? stop??"
He gives Benrey a Look, capitalism L, and asks, "Do you think I should bury the Companion?" Benrey blinks their eyes shut, all of them, no thank you. "Because– bec, uh, because I got... was made to stick by Gordon and shoot– creatures! Should I try not to let that be... should I kill that?"
Benrey whines and puts their face against Tommy because noooo, s'part of the Tommy Complete Package, can't just– kill it. Delete part of his Base, that's. Fucked up if real. Small if false. Teeny-weeny if untrue.
Th.
Uh.
It wasn't this hard to keep their brain on railsed road before they buried the bones, probably? "You were mean before everything," Tommy says into the shellmet, "but you don't have to be bad if you... if you just know how to keep the lines– parallel! I-instead of, perpendicular."
Benrey mumbles, "charlie charlie," but they. Hhhhhhhhe trusts Tommy, so much, too much, and the bones buried makes Tommy sad so– so, fine, okay, Benrey gets out the shovel as the sepia fades.
(Tommy steals their phone and calls a pizza place while Benrey's digging, and he keeps his cheek pressed against their helmet most of the time.)
The pizza is all cardboard-and-rubber, just like they both like it, and Benrey eats a parmesan packet whole to make Tommy smile. Tommy's TV has a bad-static when it's on, so they can't play COD, but they've got anchovies on Benrey's half of the pizza, so that's enough fish for the apartment, anyway. "m'gonna. slumber party?" Benrey asks with the mouth that's not pizza'd, and Tommy nods, giving a thumbs-up with the hand that's not pizza'd.
To: gormanforman
yo immhangin a ttomr's
From: gormanforman
run that by me ONE more time?
To: gormanforman
TOMMY
"Is that Gordon?" Tommy asks, and Benrey can hear the pine green jealousy in it. Or– it's not jealous, exactly, but it's pinier than it should be.
Benrey shrugs and covers his eating mouth with a hand to so politely say, "live with him, bro. he's like a. corgi." Which is supposed to mean 'somehow loves me no matter what and has separation anxiety.'
"Fat and orange," Tommy agrees.
"that's garfield," Benrey tells him.
"And Gordon!"
"mmmmnyeah well i kinda." Benrey's pretty sure it's just himself screaming internally not to say anything else, not the bones. The bones don't care. "uh." Tommy's looking at him, now, head cocked like a lil bluebird 'cause this isn't usually how their talking goes, and Benrey leans forward, tipping over so their face smashes into his Base's leg. "kinda maybe wanna move out 'cause i like him. weird."
(It doesn't make sense that the Antagonist and the Companion would be best friends since they were kids. But fuck those bones because Tommy and Benrey– they Get each other and it just Works. No matter what. It takes a little effort, sometimes, but nobody else can figure out Benrey's gobbledygook or Tommy's stutter-switch sentences like they can.)
So Tommy wipes a bit of pizza greasa on Benrey's shoulder and then puts his hand in their hair and asks, "Wh, how is, how you like him Weird?"
"dunno," Benrey mumbles, which is true.
There's the sound of Tommy swallowing and the sound of his heart beating a little faster. "Is it weird like– like us?"
Benrey sits up a lil and shakes his head, hard. "structurally fuckin' Bad base, bro, you know i don't wanna– that, uh, gordonbase... osha unapproved." Tommy laughs a little, but the heart doesn't slow down, so Benrey lights the room with how much he loves his Base, which makes Tommy laugh harder and bat at him self-consciously.
The floor sucks. Benrey oozes his way up onto the seat on top of Tommy, who opens his arms to let him curl back up. They smooch his cheek, and he bats at them harder. "I love you too, Benny. But you like Gordon in a– different? Weird way? Or the same but more?"
Talking sucks. "different." Tommy hums, offering space for Benrey to talk more, and Benrey thunks his head into his shoulder with a groan. "like a– youcan'tsayanythingokay." Tommy's hand disappears up by his face, and Benrey's pretty sure that's a zippy-lip motion that they just aren't looking at, so they say, "hhhhh." And then they say i love him, but not like i love you, and not like i know how to love. i look at him and i feel guilty, not just because of what i did to him but because of everything happening where my heart should be. he looks at me and it's fine, most of the time, but sometimes it makes the whole world speed up and i don't know what to say or how to move or what to do to slow it back down. i love him, and he loves me, but it can't be the same because i haven't always loved him like this – it changed. he didn't change with me. Tommy watches, and Benrey knows that he's watching Intently because he's whispering colors to himself through each of the added Terrible Admissions™, with no questions to Benrey at all. After about five minutes, Tommy nods to himself slowly, and Benrey tips their chin up to try and look at his face. "uh. what's. wrong with me."
Tommy flicks him in the forehead. Mean. "Nothing's wrong! You just– uh, you know how we have a, a uh, a friends romance, but dating's gross?"
"nasty," Benrey agrees, putting his head back against Tommy's shoulder.
"It kind of s, uh, looks like– I think you're describing dating romance, Benny."
Benrey jerks back so fast they fall out of Tommy's lap and hit the ground again, trying to say "ow" and instead shouting, what the fuck and Tommy laughs, bright like it should be a riot of rainbow. "i," says Benrey, swatting the newest sweet voice into the old Admissions™ still hovering around the ceiling, trying to pop them all, "wh, uhh, no? i don't ummm– i dunno what you mean? i don't have... date?"
Tommy is the love of his life. Tommy has been there forever, and he's not acting like he's leaving any time soon. Tommy is his favorite person in the whole world, real or fake, no matter what. "March 19th!" They still kind of hate him a little bit sometimes. "I think if y, uh, you asked you could get– a, date with Gordon, too!" THEY STILL KIND OF HATE HIM A LOTTA BIT SOMETIMES.
Benrey shouts indignantly, only for the rose-red to betray them and splatter against Tommy's chin, making him laugh harder even as his cheeks flush with Sweet Voiced embarrassment. "you suck," Benrey says, "i can't b- can't fuckin– don't fuckin talk to me. i don't know you. never fuckin- haven't ever met."
Tommy clears his throat and wipes a hand down in front of his face, revealing a Serious expression. Benrey scowls up at him. "If you want, you can– can pack some stuff up in case you wanna tell him and it guh, uh, goes, it... turns out bad." The scowl gets more scrunched up. "Or you could keep being a, a, uh chicken."
"bro."
"Cluck cluck!"
Glittering navy blue morphs into a dim ochre shot through with orange. Tommy blinks at that one, reaching out curiously to tap the cool yellow-orange and laughing when it bursts. "yeah that's right," Benrey grumbles, setting his head down on the floor, "full name. fucka you." Tommy slides off the chair, wincing slightly as one of his knees pops so loud it sounds like a fucking Shotted Gun, and settles down next to Benrey. "old man," Benrey says, like they don't have to shapeshift better joints all the time.
Tommy nudges him with a thigh. "You know that I– that I'm, uh, just– I'm messing with you. If you don't wanna let, let him uh, know, then that's... I won't judge."
"yeah you will."
"No! I'll just make fun of you!"
Benrey says, "ughhhhhh." He turns his head to look at Tommy. "you'll lemme stay?" Tommy nods with a soft smile, and Benrey smiles back. He return-nudges Tommy's thigh in a question, and Tommy hums in answer, lying down next to them for Floor Time. Benrey feels... good. Not fine, not normal, not ten billion miles away from their body – good. Their bones press against their body presses against the floor and Benrey lets it all recalibrate together. It's scary, but nothing flips like a switch, no levers get pulled. He's just some guy in a room with a friend, not The Bad Guy outside A Game who needs to get rid of The Companion. (It's part of him. Tommy was right – it's perpendicular to who they are, so the Antagonist doesn't have a grip anymore. They met for their point already.) "you've got, um... genius brain. bigbrain hugethoughts." Tommy hums again, and it sounds like green and gray should light the room with I'm glad you're okay. Benrey smiles, and the room lights up now, the last of the sunlight dipping beneath other apartments and the streetlights dimmed by his teeth. "love youuu."
Tommy laughs. He turns his head just enough to press a kiss to Benrey's cheek. "Love you, too, Benny."
What Tommy meant was 'if shit goes to fuck, you can live with me and not Gordon.' What Tommy said was that Benrey could stay. Benrey doesn't want shit to go to fuck, first, so he starts packing now. If Gordon notices, he doesn't say anything.
Work is fucking busy, so Benrey doesn't clock out when he's supposed to, staying behind the register and talking to people so Peter and Devyn can focus on drinks. "Welcome, what can I getcha," they ask, making a half-a-smile for. Wait. "dr. harold?"
Dr. Harold makes a whole-a-smile and says, "Hello, Benrey! I came by to get some Caffeinated Beverages for myself and Bubby – this place is bumpin'!"
"don't say that?"
"The bumpin'-est!"
"please? pretty please? don't?"
Dr. Harold laughs, and Benrey doesn't worry about whatever their face does because he can probably read them well enough by now to know it's a happy expression. "I would like the largest chai tea latte possible, as well as one of your famous RedEyes, please!" Benrey thinks about asking if he wants it in the mop bucket. Benrey doesn't know which is for Dr. Harold and which is for Bubby, and they don't want to risk giving a whole store property to someone they're not sure they're friends with.
"cool cool," Benrey says, popping it in and giving Dr. Harold a senior discount the coffee shop doesn't actually have, "uhh fourrrr nine-ty five, please and thank you?"
Devyn puts a hand on their back and says, "Dude, just call out drinks 'til you get to your friend's and then get the hell home."
"you sure?"
Devyn uses her hand to push him over to the drink counter. "Goooooo," they tell him. "Four ninety-five, sir."
Benrey likes having friends.
Peter smacks the side of their shoulder with the back of his hand and Benrey moves to take over his job just real fast, and he gets right back to making drinks as fast as he can. "Stella," Benrey calls, doing a smiling back at the woman who beams at him as she takes her cappuccino. They go through the names on the drinks, pushing out Jenga towers of cupholders and pastries on the pickup counter and doing their best at a smile until they get to, "Zen."
The kid who picks up the drink nods once as he takes the cup, sharp, measured. "Thank you," he says in a voice that's–
wrong.
That's not right.
That's familiar, but doesn't make sense. That sounds like a song put through text-to-speech, the wrong notes, the wrong shades. Made blinding bright for other people to see, not blinding bright with feelings.
The voice sounds like they do.
"Zen," Benrey repeats, brighter still, jerking his head away from the next customer's drink to stare at him. Zen turns, just his head, and his eyes are green as fern means concern, translucent with confusion, and Benrey would know a Sample anywhere. "XEN," they blaze, and they watch a hundred eyes flash open at once, blinding bright, and the color doesn't matter because they can already tell he's fucking terrified.
The Sample drops his coffee and runs.
Benrey vaults over the counter and gives chase, boots striking the floor and then the concrete and then the gravel so hard that it would reverberate up through their shins all the way to their shoulder if they weren't liquefying internally, contracting every unimportant part of their disguise and someone is shouting, but they're not important, what's important is catching the other Sample and killing it, now. The world turns blue as Benrey lets himself burn with feelings that don't have words at all, just glaring shots of sound and color in the world they were never made for. (Benrey doesn't want to hurt anybody. Benrey doesn't know how much of this rage is himself, how much is for himself, the version of himself that couldn't be trusted and that demanded he kill his friends and hurt them even worse, but he's going to catch the Sample and tear it to pieces.
Things like Benrey are hard to kill.
Benrey didn't grow up around things like themself, they grew up in steel and stone, they grew up in Tommy's arms, they grew up with human blood on their teeth and human aluminum in their stomach, they don't know what their own home feels like, they don't know how to kill things like themself. They're going to figure it out. If they were the Antagonist, even with all the love they held for their friends, then there's no way to know how much shit this stupid little bitch Sample did, and Benrey isn't going to risk a Xen-grown Sample getting loose.) The other Sample stops dead and Benrey lunges–
Benrey's held. "LEMME GO," he howls, struggling against the vice-grip all around him.
There's a wheezy, "Get ahold of yourself!" Benrey tries to thrash and doesn't move a muscle. Bubby staggers into view and slaps him across the face, which is so unexpected that he actually stops trying to escape and just stares at them. They lean over, hands braced on their knees, and pant, "Oh my god, why the hell can you run that fast?" He spits caramel sweet voice at xir. Xe swats it away in annoyance.
Over xir shoulder, Benrey can see Tommy's dad brushing off its lapels and straightening its jacket. "If I, let you go, Ben-rey... will you, ah, attempt another... attack? On this poor, gentleman, here?"
"i'm gonna fucking kill him." The Sample whines a dim orange.
Tommy's dad frowns at them disapprovingly, going so far as to click his tongue like a tsk tsk tsk sorta thing. Not mad he's disappointed type sound. "Ben-rey, take a look, at him. Does he seem... touched by any... mm, exterior influences, to you? Because, fffrom where I am standing... he just appears, scared." Benrey looks. The Sample looks back, more scar tissue than skin, more eyes than scar tissue, still softly glowing the sound of his fear.
(He looks like he's only barely not a hatchling. He looks younger than Josh.)
(Tommy's dad is a lot of things, but it wouldn't put Tommy or his friends in danger by letting something dangerous go. Fuck, he almost got rid of Benrey when they were still a xenbaby because Tommy scraped up his joints playing with them. And it waited to bring Benrey back. It waited until they'd shoved down as much of the Antagonist as they could before it dragged them back into the real.)
Benrey solids up his bones again. It's stained with blue so dark it's almost black, but he keeps it dim enough that probably Mr. Coolatta doesn't hear when he says, "k. cool. yeah, i'm not gonna fuckin' uhh. get his ass." The physgun hold drops, and Benrey adjusts their apron. "you're not supposed to be here, though," he adds, glaring up at the Sample, still outlined in pale blue, still following him with orange eyes.
"But you are?" Bubby asks, raising an eyebrow all the way to where their hair was before it hit a recession. Benrey eyes xir, sidely. Bubby ignores him and shakes a finger at Tommy's dad. "Also, dear god, warn someone before you stop time around them! What kind of omniscience do you have that you didn't even think to enlist the doctor who actually likes Benrey?" Benrey focuses on untying their apron and not on the words happening. Not any of his business, probably? Not his problem, buisibly?
Benrey pulls the neck of it over his head as Tommy's dad says, "I have not... claimed, omniscience, Dr. Bubby – at least, not in recent, memory. Also, I left you... out of the, 'time stop' because I was, dealing with two fairly... unique, individuals. I did not have the, ah, energy, as it were, to deal with... three." Benrey has to try not to laugh; he knows what that means. Haha, spaceman can't fuck up a xenboy. Can't even– doesn't know how to keep people with a bit of alien in them from dropping out of the regular times, pretty lame. Point and laugh. Tommy's dad clears its throat at them, and Benrey doesn't know what its face does because they are folding the strings into the pockets and folding up their uniform oh so nice and neat, thank you aaannd you're welcome. He continues, "Nnow, For-zen... are you, quite, alright? I do hope you are, as I am... hm. In need of a, chat, with you, regarding—" Benrey blues electric feel eyes on the top of their head for a second, but when they look up, Tommy's dad is re-focused on the other xenboy— "...certain, delicate, circumstances. I believe you have... innnsight, to provide."
The Sample looks between all of them, eyes still orange, and says, "i dunno if i wanna go with you." This time, Benrey does laugh. Bootboy thinks he gets a choice. His eyes close for a second while he's cackling at a hatchling trying to stranger danger his way out of Talks With Gregory Man, and when they open again, he and Bubby are standing on the curb outside the coffee shop.
"I," says Bubby, wobbling back a step, "fucking hate when it does that."
"Gentlemen," says Dr. Harold, and both Bubby and Benrey jump a little bit, turning around to look at him. He's holding a cup in each hand, and the bottom of his pant legs (and all of his shoes) are splattered in coffeedrink. Prolly in the Sample's splash zone. "What in the fuck just occurred?"
Benrey slides past him while Bubby starts the explaining, back inside the shop to tuck their apron away. No one looks at them weird, so Tommy's dad probably stopped time earlier than they thought. Or stopped how people Saw Time earlier. Checks out. He's pretty good at that.
When he steps back outside, Bubby is sipping xir tiny little redeye and tapping xir food impatiently. "We're dragging you back to Harold's house," they tell him. Dr. Harold clears his throat. Bubby turns to him, sharp, and asks, "What?"
"I think what xe meant to say is would you like to accompany xir and me back home? It's only a two hour walk, Benrey!"
"I said what I meant to say," Bubby grumbles.
"Perhaps he wants to go back to his apartment with Gordon!"
Bubby looks at Dr. Harold. Bubby looks at Benrey. Benrey thinks about what just happened, and how seeing someone they had no proof against made them dissolve, feral, into something that only planned for damage. Benrey thinks about Bubby breathing in smoke to prove that xe wasn't going to fall back into what the code told xir. This isn't a threat; it's an offer to make sure he's safe before going back. "nah im gonna, go with you. see what– what um, whatcha up to." Bubby nods decisively and starts walking.
(For someone who doesn't like him, Bubby's sure sticking out a lot of branches. Maybe it's just that xe doesn't have to like someone to know how they're like xir and do a golden rule.)
(...Benrey's not sure how to feel about anybody being like them.)
From: gormanforman
yo man you good?
benrey?
dude I don't wanna blow up your fucking phone but where are you
Benrey, seriously, it's been half an hour since you got off work why aren't you home is everything okay
To: gormanforman
fuckshi tsorry yeah mgoood hangin outw ith the peepaws
n i wwas stayign late bc/ of the rushhoru too sorry
From: gormanforman
But you're okay?
To: gormanforman
yeah look
[IMG ATTACHMENT]
From: gormanforman
oh that's pretty hot
To: gormanforman
yah :kissing_heart:
From: gormanforman
lol. sorry for being kinda nuts
To: gormanforman
[PNG]
From: gormanforman
NO.
To: gormanforman
is tthe shirt wrong? am i wrong ? your gonna look atme and youre gonna tell me that im Wrogn ?
my wifes not neurHOTic? like it says ? on the shirt ?
From: gormanforman
I hate you
To: gormanforman
i love uuuuuuuuu i lvoe u !!
From: gormanforman
fuck you
Ily2
Benrey likes a lot of places, but he's never felt like he belonged to one, for ever, for always. Not the anomalous bunks, not Tommy's dorm, not the outside hall he woke up in, not anywhere. Tommy's their Base, and they belong with him, but belonging in a place and belonging with a person aren't the same. Benrey can be with Tommy anywhere. Where can Benrey be without anyone else? He never fixed the problem with his Bases, just left the components all shuffled up like the Antagonist left it – the Protagonist at his center.
(When did Benrey start thinking of Gordon's apartment as "home"?)
Benrey keeps packing what things are his to keep. It feels like he's ripping twigs out of a birdhouse.
Benrey's been trying Sleep, again, and so far it's been... kinda okay. Nightmares, but not ones that fuck up the house anymore. Pretty normal and fine, even though waking up is fucking sucks, like, the worst. They don't mind going to sleep because that's just lying still and doing a stare and then eventually their brain chills the fuck out, but going to awake is Bad. Like, he can hear the rustling and the rattling that's happening nearby, but he doesn't wanna know what it is because he could just roll over and go back to being un conch us. The noises stop. That's nice of them. Benrey cracks an eye open, and Gordon is standing in the pantry, guilty and holding their Costco Boxtco of macaroni. "Good morning?" Gordon says with a nervous lil smile. (His hair's long enough that it curls around itself, and the window behind him makes it hard to look at his face, lighting up with golden sun's rays. If Benrey said anything in that tone of light, it would mean something like Benrey Is Fucking Gay. He just knows this, in his heart-space.)
"good MORNING," they say back. Gordon startles, drops the box on his foot, and swears — Benrey grins at him. "whatcha got there? you're touching my mac n cheese? didn't even ask me, man, that's kinda. you're, uh, you're 'sposed to ask, bro, c'mon." Gordon squishes his face up at them, not quite pissed off but not not pissed off.
"I," Gordon says, looking down at the box (not on his foot anymore) and stretching his hand out, clearly trying to figure out how to get it back up off the ground, "am panic-cleaning."
Benrey rolls off the couch and stretches big enough that all the joints they've ever had all crack at once. Gordon raises his eyebrows at them. They ignore it and pick up the box for him. "noo don't freak out, you're so sexy, aha." He snorts and holds out his arms to take the box back, but Benrey dances a few steps back, out of grabbing distance. "nuh-uh, mine now. where's it going, mr. clean?" Gordon starts to say something, but then he doesn't, rolling his eyes and grabbing another Little box. It's the linguini. Gordon anti-pasta momence. Antipasto.
Instead of whatever it was gonna be, "Bubby's house. I need to sell them all this shit, and then I need to sweep, and wipe off the counters, and vacuum– actually, I should probably just wash the sheets, but– fuck, no, 'cause I can't just change out the couch. Also, I need to stop by Target or somewhere to get some utensils. And—" he keeps talking about his checklist, and Benrey frowns to themself. Getting rid of pasta and, from what's already stacked up on the counter, cereal and raw toast and tostinos, and doing some cleaning, checks out, that's a good– it's a good to do before Passover, yep. But it's not April. Benrey makes some kind of confused noise, and Gordon stops panic-planning out loud to blink over at them. "It's– Passover's soon, and I should have started cleaning way before now," he says, like Benrey doesn't know anything ever.
Benrey makes a more confused face. "it's. march?"
"...Yeah?"
"tommy said april???"
"Last year. This year it's March 27th."
"no, 'cause he said– 'cause i was gonna make jefferem take the wednesday, shift, so i could. he invited me? for april 8?"
Gordon's fingers tighten around the box and it crumples in, a lil, before he notices and sets it down on the counter next to the Froot Loops. "You, um. Black Mesa was in March." Benrey tilts his head and squeezes his eyebrows together. Gordon breathes in deep and he looks like he'd rather have a knife in him than say more words to them, but he mumbles, "We... so, we– most of us got out of there on the 18th, apparently, but then, I was. I mean, y'know, pretty much all of us needed to stay in the hospital for a bit, but I was, like. I-I was really fucked up and I didn't even, fucking, I basically didn't wake up until a month later, and then I needed another month and a half there on top of that shit, so– y'know, I missed it too! But." He looks Benrey in the face, and it's hard to tell what feelings are happening there, but they make Benrey feel like he should set the box down and hug him. Gordon slumps into it, breathing out all of his airs and hugging them back. Mr. Coolatta brought them back before December, so Gordon missed it by two months and Benrey missed it by... more. Because he missed almost everything by more.
Benrey pushes himself out of the hug. "it's 24." Gordon squints at them. They say, "passover's 27, and today's 24 because i don't work again 'til 29. h. bro three days? three of them? days of: three?"
"That's why it's panic-cleaning."
So they panic clean together. Benrey boxes up all the bread-adjacents and cereal and things and puts it in the growing pile of Benrey's Move-Out Box Corner, and covers the freezer things that gotta be things in the freezer with foil so that Gordon won't have to look at them. Gordon does all the sweepy stuff, stuffing sheets and blankets and pillows (cased and raw) into the biggest-assed laundry bag in the house and taking out the trash and all that stuff. And it's normal. Benrey feels like a person, like a real one, and he and Gordon are joking across the rooms at each other, and it's sort of like it was a year ago, and it's sort of like it was a month ago, and it's different different different.
Better?
Benrey doesn't know.
Gordon takes the five-dollar bill Benrey hands him and they stand in the living room, closer together than Benrey can stand without biting back a thousand shining notes, shaking left hands very seriously and thanking each other like businessmen for two solid minutes before Gordon finally cracks and starts giggling. Normal, the same, different. Benrey should say something, here, now, but they don't know what and what comes out is, "i'm moving in with tommy."
Gordon stops giggling. "What?"
"i got. all my stuff packed, so i can. yeah."
"Oh," says Gordon, and he doesn't let go of Benrey's hand. "Right, yeah. No, that– yeah. Course! Yeah, I– actually, can't believe you haven't moved into your boyfriend's place sooner, thinking about it. Happy for you, man." Benrey stares into the middle of the space between his eyes and Gordon's face.
They blink.
They look directly into Gordon's eyes and say, "my huh."
Gordon finally notices that they're still kinda holding hands and drops his businessmen's grip, taking a whole step back for good measure. "Dude, I've seen you guys making out on my couch," he laughs, the noise coming out a lil thin and definitely not happening because it's a funny haha. And, yeah, 'cause The Gamers came over on Sunday and smashed some bros, and Gordon wanted to show off something on his laptop so he left for his room and Darnold excused himself to go to the bathroom and Tommy said yo I'm gonna fucking kill everybody's lil dudes and Benrey said BRO DON'T CHEAT!!! and had to use Top Secret Distraction Techniques™ like making his Base laugh so hard he couldn't grab at his controller and be Evil. Tommy's so mean people.
And apparently, Gordon had seen them kissing, as bros do, and thought oh that's a dating romance, totally which is the worst thing to happen to Benrey, ever, in the history of time. "yeah 'cause we're bros," Benrey says, "th– ew?? date a tommy? fuckin– gross, man, that's nasty, you can't say that." Gordon scoffs, and Benrey steps in closer, poking a finger into his chest and asking, "you fuckin' uhh– homiephobic? i'm just a bad enough dude to kiss the homies with tongue, i dunno what you're fuckin, talkin about that's, damn, kinda– messed up."
Gordon's trying not to laugh at them, but he's not doing a good job when he smiles big enough that his whole face moves in it and asks, "Yeah? Where's my kiss, dude?" So Benrey, in the interest of being a good friend, forgetting about The Everything for a second, just gets up on their tippiest toes and smooches their bro, on the mouth, as you do. (Because maybe also kissing Gordon is scary, and something they've been thinking about an amount that they don't need to talk about, thank you, please and thank you, okay, and they forgot about how jokes work for a second there.) "Uh," says Gordon, his hand coming up to his mouth.
"bb," says Benrey, almost tripping over his heels as he gets the fuck out of Stupid Idiot Range, "fuck, uhhh, that was. joak," but Gordon's laughing again.
He covers his whole half-face with his hand, back to giggling as he shakes his head. "No, you're good! I just didn't– I didn't think you'd actually do that, for some reason." Cool. Great, good, Benrey's gonna go and uhhh lie down on the side of a road somewhere so no one has to look at him ever again! Except then Gordon is looking at them, still beaming behind his hand, and he says, "Wasn't with tongue, though, man. I think we need to try that again." And It Is Jokes! Benrey knows it's jokes because that's, it's how they joke, joke-flirt because haha it's so funny to pretend to be something like not-friends in a romancey datey way when they are normal regular friends!! They've joked like that since before Benrey's heart-space got all electrified every time they got too close together, it's a Thing, but Gordon and Benrey aren't A Thing; they are Homies except strictly limited to non-mouth kisses because, fuckin, some reason, Benrey doesn't know. Gordon moves his hand down and says, "Holy shit, are you blushing?"
"NO," Benrey says, except also he says embarassment want EMBARASSMENT and Gordon focuses right in on the rose-red and laughs at them (which sucks, but at least he's too busy wheezing to see the white, like a core of fire.) Benrey grumbles to himself, "fuckin– exactly why i'm moving, mean to me, cruel and, uh, rude. evil to best friend benrey, all the time, every, always." Gordon stops again, trailing off into a wheeze less like a laugh and more like all of his lungs stopped remembering how to fill themselves up.
"You're," he starts, and then doesn't finish. "When?"
Benrey shrugs. "once passover's all done, i guess. don't wanna unpack all my grains in tommy's house."
"So. A week and a half."
"probably two, since mr. coolatta's hangin' out there and i don't wanna." Get stuck on Tommy's couch? Leave his place on Gordon's? Leave Gordon, ever? Gordon's looking at him like it would be a bad idea to say any of those, so Benrey changes the topic very subtly and so smooth, like buttered peanuts, "do i get to use the mini vacuum on the couch?"
Gordon spends a second zoned the fuck out before shaking himself and making a smile at them like his lungs are still punched out and can't inflate his face muscles right. "Yeah, man, whatever you want."
The rest of the day is quieter. Like before Benrey sorted themself out and figured out how to be a perpendicular people again, when Gordon hovered way more because he was worried about Benrey spacing out and wandering into traffic or something. (Gordon still hovers, but it doesn't seem like he's worried about them as much. He's just kinda touchy and share-spacey, even if he's not clapping Benrey on the shoulder or brushing past him or elbowing him for making a very good extremely funny joke.) It's the same and it's different.
Worse.
Tommy's dad passes out little books of rules and instructions for everyone to follow once they're all in Tommy's too-small-for-everybody apartment, so Benrey's new favorite holiday is Passover, actually.
(The book says that the youngest child asks a question. Benrey frowns at it, and then at the table where there aren't any children, and then he notices everybody is looking at Gordon. Youngest person, Benrey corrects to themself, and they smile at him very big. Gordon looks back at them like he's tired of being The Team Baby. Should've been born earlier then; should've pushed harder at thirty.)
It's a lot of talking, some singing off-and-on-key, and everybody washes their hands a bunch, which Benrey's on board with, pretty neat. They don't super. Get it. But he follows along and nobody gets mad when he reads something wrong or when he doesn't know what to say, and it's good just to be there. Feels nice to be included, or something. Feels nice to belong.
Here is a list of categories that people fall into:
Beloved: Tommy, Dr. Harold, and Darnold.
Bastard: everybody not helping Benrey move their shit down three flights of stairs and then into a small elevator and then into the ittiest-bittiest fucking nook in the world. Bubby and Gordon are too busy with whispers to pick up boxes, and also Bubby is so creaky that picking up any boxes would kill them, and also also Gordon's only got one arm. (Benrey knows these are excuses because they're not good ones. But hey, if he could not move all these boxes, he wouldn't be doing it either. Moving suuuuuuucccks – they dunno why Gordon did it. Especially into Black Mesa, ew; there's something wrong with him.)
"can you make your dad come back. actually." Benrey asks, setting their pastabox on top of the sheets-less futon. "make it teleport shit."
Tommy pauses for a second in pulling the folded-up desk out into the living room, and Benrey considers that maybe they should drop their pasta on their foot to keep from saying dumb things. "Dad would probably just– he'd, um, he'd say that spawning your st– stuh, your, uh, things directly into the apartment would, would only... attract attention. So! I don't think it'd really... be much help." Benrey groans and flops onto the bed and their boxes, which makes Tommy smile at him, red-to-blue. "Also, he's busy re– reha– uh, setting up Forzen with... a place." Benrey nods serenely. (Forzen is Zen is from Xen, kind of, less than Benrey is but more than he should be. Tommy's dad is making him Be A Good, though, so Benrey isn't going to find him and try to kill him. Violence isn't the answer, or something.)
They roll off their boxes and hit the floor. Tommy stifles a laugh. "whadja think darnold's bringing up next?" Benrey asks, kicking his feet in the air like he's asking about Tommy's crushes from school.
Tommy goes back to pulling the desk, all thoughtfully, and says, "I bet it's– I, I'll give you 10 dollars if it's not your dishes!" Benrey gets back on his feet and starts helping to push the desk, almost running over Tommy's feet but not actually because he's polite and notices stuff.
"gambling's illegal," they inform him.
"Where should I put the rug?" Darnold asks, holding the gamer-checkerboard of a wood floor protector that Benrey got for the living room, all rolled up and tied with clinging wrap. Benrey drops the desk and sticks both of their fists in the air with a whoop.
"YO I'M RICH!"
"No! Don't listen to him!"
"you just won me the BIG MONEY, i'm the– one millionth subscriber!!" Darnold raises his eyebrows at them both, making a face like neon blue means what in the hell did I walk into, and Benrey gives him a kiss on the cheek as they walk past him so they can grab more things. "thank youuuuu, and, on the floor." He hears the sound of a rug dropping, and then Darnold jogs a lil to catch up with him as they both head for the elevator.
The door slides open. Dr. Harold brought the whole couch, and also Gordon, who's saying, "–ready has a bed, can you please put that back in the truck?"
"But think of all the memories Benrey must have on this sofa, Gordon! Wouldn't it be cruel to drive them away from their restful place of slumber?"
"He's the one moving out!" Gordon yells, and Benrey wonders if maybe they should have told him a reason for that, actually, instead of simply doing it. "I don't even think he put that in the truck, to begin with! Actually, who– I know it wasn't Bubby, they were the one who pointed it out when you—"
"yeah this isn't mine," Benrey says helpfully. Gordon jumps a bit, and Benrey smiles with some teeth at him before grabbing the couch from the end that's being pushed out into the hallway. They feel so so many muscles bend unhappily about it, so they shift up better ones. To Dr. Harold, "you're uh– it's so fucked up, that you're. can't believe you're stealing, from gordon, that's. you're breaking the laws? today? you can't steal on, uhh sssssswebsday. everybody knows that, c'mon. no-stealing swebsday." Dr. Harold starts moving out of the elevator, so Benrey moves back to help, and then bumps into Darnold as they swirl around like a music box so Benrey can get back in, successfully preventing a daylight robbery.
Fuck yeah.
Darnold clicks the down button for them since he got a little bit shoved near the wall corner. "I– I feel like there must have been better ways to go about this," he says.
"No!" Dr. Harold says back.
The doors close, and Benrey notices that, hm, there's a him and a couch and a Gordon, and that's the only people in this elevator at all. Which isn't great, on account of The Everything.
(Gordon's been weird since Benrey said he was moving out. Which, y'know, is fair. Benrey'd be weird if it were the other way around. They're pretty sure they were weird when Tommy mentioned he was going to be leaving New Mexico for a few years, whenever that happened, so it's a very Red To Blue type thing, normal, checks out, yeah. They still wish it wouldn't happen.)
Gordon clears his throat as the numbers tick lower. "Thanks for not stealing my couch," he says.
"i'm not a fucking criminal," Benrey says back.
Nothing, says the couch.
CLUNK, says the elevator, and stops moving down. Gordon gasps, and then swears, and then pushes the ground floor button a whole bunch of times. "Are you fucking kidding me?" He jams a finger into the button and holds it there. The elevator does not start moving.
Benrey looks around, very carefully, at the small room, the man he maybe wants to date, and the fact that they're only in here because Bubby pointed out that Harold was stealing a couch. "well," they say, "well, uh, you know– y'know what this means."
"We should've taken the fucking stairs?" Gordon asks, jamming the ground floor button some more, just for funsies, or something. Benrey does a trust fall into the cushions, and gives Gordon their best puppy eyes when he turns at the spring-creaking noises. "Are you seriously going to take a nap right now?" Gordon asks, not stressed, just a long, dim line of Unimpressment.
"we gotta huddle for warmth," they tell him, and he snorts.
"It's the middle of April, dude, there's not– it's pretty warm already!"
"yeah that's uhhhhh symptoms number one. of hypothermia. you're gonna die, bro."
Gordon laugh-sighs, but it's more laugh than sigh because he sits down next to their shins. Benrey one, hypothermia zero, thank you and you're welcome.
The elevator doesn't move.
The couch says nothing.
Benrey stares into the ceiling panels and wonders if they could get up into them like Die Hard, and then jump up to the next floor. That'd mean leaving Gordon behind in the elevator, though, and he's already tap-tap-tapping on Benrey's leg with nervous, so it's looking like a no. Gordon's tapping gets a little harder, and then he heaves a big big breath out. "Okay," he says, "I really don't want to press the alarm button in case it hurts my ears, so is there any chance, like at all, that you have your phone on you?"
Benrey feels himself go more still than he's been in a while because, no, his phone's on his bed where phones go when you're home and don't need them. "uhhh yeah totally but where's– your? phone??" Gordon laughs, small and squeaking out through his teeth, and he flops into the back of the couch, leaning his head over it in a way that's probably bad for human necks with vertebrae in them.
"I think you're lying to me," he says, and it's like all of the stress isn't in his body anymore because it got sucked into his sounds like a word sponge, "which isn't great; mine's in the truck."
Benrey hums. "bad."
Gordon laughs again. "Yup! Yeah, yeah, this is uh. It's not great!" Benrey pulls one of their legs out from under Gordon's back and props it on his lap. "Thanks," he says, still laughing but not hard enough to hide how dim the word is.
"hey," says Benrey, and he thinks his voice is doing something warm, but he's not entirely sure. Gordon looks over at them, just turning his head a little, and Benrey wonders what their plan was, here, and why they did this. "why's it so..."
But there are a whole bunch of different endings to that, so he stops to think about them all, very carefully. Why's it so hard for elevators to get stuck if it happens in every movie ever? Why's it so small in this one? Why's it so easy for Benrey to ask Gordon to get closer? Why's it so easy for Benrey to regret getting him there once it's too late? Why's it so hard, now, for Gordon to look at them? Why's it so different? Why's it so weird, not just in here, but in general, whenever they're in the same place?
"Yeah?" Gordon prompts, and Benrey stares before blinking at him a couple of times for good measure.
They settle on, "big deal?"
Gordon laughs again, but it's brighter, with what sounds like fond aqua. "Did– 'why's it so big deal'? Is that what you said?"
Benrey shrugs. "yeah, man, s'like... just sip some fuckin' uhhh pepsi. crystal clear, can't hear. problemn, fixed. you're welcome." Gordon's eyebrows knit themselves together, and ah, shit, Benrey's gotta elaborate? Gotta expel some wisdom?
They start to do just that, being wise as hell, talking about how sweet voice works for dulling down sounds, but Gordon doesn't let them because he says, "I don't wanna just ignore this shit, Benrey! I mean– like, I know I'm overreacting, and I'm trying to– but, pretending none of this is happening isn't, fucking– that's not how I wanna do this." Hm. That sounds like it's not about the elevator alarm, mayhap. It also feels like Gordon's leg is bouncing with The Anxiety instead of just the usual gotsta move.
"wanna do... huh?" Benrey asks, and Gordon sighs.
"Exist, man, I dunno. I get– I get it. But I thought– I don't know what I thought, I guess, just that—" Benrey sits up and puts a hand on Gordon's shoulder because it seems like that's probably some comforting he ought to be doing, and Gordon stops saying things again, letting all the air he was going to use on words fall out of his mouth in a big avalanche of tired. "I thought you were gonna stay with me. 'Cause you... you were missing, for so long and I just..." He meets Benrey's eyes, tired and soft and hurt all at once in the worst kind of rainbow. "I missed being me, and having you. Y'know?"
Benrey does. Fuck, but Benrey does. "yeah," they mumble, and they can't help the way it lights up. And Gordon's still looking at them like he doesn't understand how much Benrey knows, like he thinks it's something he did that means Benrey can't stay, like the real-true-gen-u-ine-original Benrey is someone that should be near him, and. "i– can i. explain something?"
Gordon frowns at him, the sad wrinkle between his eyebrows changing shape as they turn down in confusion. "Yeah, please."
"it's, um. kind of a– nnnnmmmm. m. kay. lemme, uhhh Sweet Voice it, 'cause." There's just the two of them, in the small, yellow-LED (yeLED?) lit box, and trying to find English Words for This is already making Benrey's brain hurt. "yeah," they finish, and Gordon nods. (A go-ahead. An okay. Time to be brave, Benny boy.) They don't technically need air to breathe, or to anything else, but they still take a big breath in before they– HEURGH– tell him.
Tell him everything.
Tell him all of it.
And the elevator swirls with color and light that Benrey closes his eyes for because he already knows all of it – knows every embarrassing, horrible place on those combined spectrums that this confession comes out to; he knows about the complicated dimbright blue and gray like candle smoke, the sinking blush of being the butt of a joke that came out of their first meeting, the time when Benrey got them both lost and Gordon just laughed at him and it took them another awkward month to recover from that and get to somewhere like acquaintanceship. They know about the first flutterings of friendship, the silver with a warmer hue from learning they liked what he did, too. They know about the blinding bright that settled in their chest when Gordon trusted them enough to give them his passwords, to hang out in the Anomalous dorms for them, and they know that it turned from wordless shine to red-to-blue fast, faster than it had any right to. He knows about the long, slow morphing of the red, after jokes and cheek-kisses and tight hugs and making fun of each other, to somewhere like rose as the affection grows, to the Pepto fucking Bismol pink that it is, now. Benrey knows the shade with his eyes closed, he knows it'll leave sunspots with how dazzlingly bright it is, and he knows it's impossible to ignore. Pink to blue. Means—
"You... love me?" Gordon asks. Too quiet.
"yep," Benrey whispers back.
He makes a sound like he's forgotten how breathing happens. "Like, as, as more– like, you love love me."
"yyyyep. yeah, that, uh. yeah."
"You, are. A fucking idiot," Benrey cracks an eye open. (It's somewhere near his elbow. Hm. Maybe the anxiety was getting to him – there's a lot more tangerine in the elevator than he meant there to be.) Gordon has red and pink and blue smudged on his fingers from reaching out to touch, and he's staring at Benrey like they just stepped full-force through the Xbox. "That's why you're moving out? Because– because you don't like liking me?"
Wh. Uh. Something got lost in translation, whoops— "nah, s'cause, uh. you don't– i mean, iunno, don't wanna hafta. make you share space with all that fruit."
"Do you think I'm– fucking– holy fucking shit, Benrey, you didn't even!" Gordon stands up, almost sending Benrey off the couch and not-almost shoving his legs to the floor. (There's a thud.) "You didn't think to maybe! Ask me out, or something? You just decided to pack up all your shit and move a half-hour walk away from me and your job, holy shit; I can't– I can't believe this was your first solution, what the fuck is wrong with you!" Gordon's shaking his hand in the air, counting out points on it, and then forgetting what number he was on when he thinks of something new and starts flapping with rage again. Benrey squints at him.
"did. yo did you—"
"I mean, seriously, that's been– oh, fuck me, since before the ResCas? And you didn't say fucking anything? What the hell is wrong with you, good fucking grief, Benrey! Oh, fuck me, and that's why you were making those fucking points about Janeway and—"
"no but hang on? hold up? please? can we uhhh go back to—?"
"I mean, sure, I guess there's the whole inter-company fraternization protocols, but you were already hanging out at Tomer's dorm all the time! We could have just fucking lied to HR if you asked me out! And– fucking, that's not even the point, fuck Black Mesa, what about since December? It's been literally! Fucking, months, Benrey! You could have said anything at any point before now—"
"buh, so, wh, uh. about. the asking—?"
"Like, I guess I kinda get it? I don't have all that pent-up romantic love that you just blew all over the inside of the fucking elevator, or anything, but we're pretty good fucking friends, man! Like, what the fuck made you think that just risking the damn question of 'hey, Gordon, do you wanna go out on a date sometime' would end in– in– in fucking, the apocalypse, or some shit? HELL, WE ALREADY WENT THROUGH A FUCKING—"
"hey, gordon," Benrey interrupts, biting down giddy terror to gently kick him in the thigh, "do you wanna go out on a date sometime?"
"YES," Gordon shouts. "I WOULD LOVE TO GO ON A DATE WITH YOU, IF WE EVER GET OUT OF THIS FUCKING ELEVATOR!"
The yeLED vanishes, replaced by ambient white fluorescents, and the elevator starts moving again. Neither of them says anything for a second.
"TOMER."
(Tommy says that he wasn't listening in, and also that they're both welcome. Darnold says that he did his best to convince the others to, if not leave it alone, not make it this complicated. Benrey says he can't wait for all of them to die to death.)
Their first date is a week later, when Benrey comes by to pick up anything he might have missed and they eat Thai food on Gordon's couch while watching the new (months old) Star Trek show that they only just got around to watching.
"Y'know," Gordon says thoughtfully, "this is... pretty much exactly what we'd be doing if you hadn't moved out." Benrey reaches over and grabs a single peanut out of his– boyfriend's kind of A Lot. A single peanut out of his date's pad see ew. "Quit fucking doing that. Either take a forkful or eat your own stuff; keep your bare hands out of my food."
"i'm rawdogging it."
"Don't say that."
Benrey rawdogs another peanut theft. "and it's– it's soooo different. 'cause you can umm stare at my ass. when i get off the couch now, tho. you're welcome." Like they did earlier, to get the food from the deliverer because they're so nice and would never do things to make Gordon mad at them, never ever.
Gordon stops glaring about the rawdog peanut theft so he can laugh, "The fuck I can! You don't have one!" Benrey steals a whole carrot, this time. Out of spite.
"i'll dump you."
Gordon snorts, stabs a piece of chicken, and bonks his head against Benrey's. "No wonder I couldn't tell you loved me, man." He pauses, scrunching his face up. Consideringly, almost a correction, "Babe?"
"you can only call me benrey 'til you say i have a pixar mom ass."
Gordon laughs so hard he spits chicken and bok choy everywhere, and Benrey bullies him for it because, ew, bro, that's so fucking gross, that's um, unsanitary, c'mon, think about the biohazards, and it really is a lot like it would be if Benrey hadn't moved out. Except for the part where he doesn't have to hide anything, anymore. That's definitely– that's pretty better, Benrey thinks.
Are you still watching Star Trek: Lower Decks? asks the TV, and Gordon finishes wiping off the table before he clicks Yes. Benrey puts their head on his shoulder once he's leaned back onto the couch. "i do, though."
Gordon's chest rumbles when he talks, and Benrey feels it on their cheek, "You really don't. Flatter than a fucking board."
"n– shut up. meant i love you. even if you lie about how much cake i got."
"None."
"so much. i could start a fuckingggg... bakery."
(Really, the only thing that's changed is that now Benrey feels like he belongs. Feels like he's wanted. And sure, what exactly he and Gordon are is still scrambled, but so's Benrey. Not everything needs to be set in its strict categorical place.)
(Schrödinger made some fucking points.)
Benrey's head gets shook up like a mentos-in-diet-coke type situation when Gordon laughs, but it's okay, because then he presses his face into Benrey's hair and smiles around a, "I love you, too."
Rose-to-blue.