capncrunchin
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Summary
It didn't mean anything. Blitz was horny, Stolas was horny, they fucked, and that was the beginning and end of it. Yeah, they were compatible physically, but, like... romantically? Not that Blitz had thought about it. But could he even see them together like that? Stolas was a whole prince of the Ars Goetia, and Blitz was just some asshole from the circus that was pretending to be a functional adult.
It was just physical. That's all it was. That's all it could be. Blitz wasn't allowed to feel more.
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Blitz has a minor crisis while Stolas sleeps on him after sex.
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Blitz spills over the sides of his cup when he pours the coffee pot. A little puddle forms on the counter but Blitz can't find the energy to clean it up, instead scooping ice out of the office's freezer and letting the cold bite his fingers. Cold is good. It shocks some of the numbness out of him, lets him tune into what the others are talking about. They have a hit on a more important target than usual, one with a security detail. Blitz curses himself for not checking the schedule for today himself. He's known today was coming. He always knows.
Blitz walks into the conference room, sipping his coffee, and stares dully at the whiteboard. He's supposed to come up with a plan, a strategy. Moxxie and Loona are arguing about whether it's better to be sneaky or to be fast, and then he hears his name, and the conversation tapers out. He blinks the room back into focus. Everyone is looking at him.
He clears his throat. "What?"
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Blitz is having a no-good, very bad day.
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Stolas tells Via about his new relationship. Blitz comforts him afterward.
Hold onto your hats, horses, and preferred AO3 browsing devices, folks, this one is comin' in Extra Fluffy and fueled by a Bang Energy drink. Featuring (in no particular order): cute aggression, horny demons, nightmares, Blitz spoiling his new boyfriend, daughter drama, flowers, chocolates, a really long rant about work a la Blitz, and more. This one probably doesn't make a whole lot of sense without the context of The Mortifying Ordeal of Staying, but if you read the tags for that one, that's probably enough context to get through this one.
Series
- Part 4 of The Mortifying Ordeal of Staying
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Blitz doesn't know why he does it. If someone were to ask him, he'd say it's to prove to Stolas that he's fine, fuck you very much. He sways, leaning against a bright yellow wall. It's so fucking bright and loud in here, and the beelzejuice is making his head swim and his skin tingle in a pleasant way, and right now all he wants is for Stolas to know he's fine. He's not affected by that shit that happened earlier. So he taps on Stolas's picture, hits call, and holds the phone up to his ear.
"Blitz?" Stolas's voice is quiet, a little shaky.
"Heyyyyy, Stolas!" Blitz says, sagging against the wall. "How's your night goin'? Mine's goin' fuckin' great."
"... Are you drunk?"
Blitz grins, eyes shutting. He is sort of distantly aware of the fact that he's slid down the wall and is now sitting on the floor. "Fuck yeah, I am."
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Instead of sticking his tongue in anything with a pulse after beating Bee at a drinking contest, Blitz has the amazing idea to call Stolas while so drunk that he can't stand on his own. What could go wrong?
Featuring: Blitz with a 2-second attention span, Blitz being so drunk he forgets to be an asshole, and Stolas kicking Stella out a la The Circus.
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The Pickup Line (or Stolas's No Good, Very Bad Week) by capncrunchin
Fandoms: Helluva Boss (Web Series)
28 Oct 2025
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Summary
Blitz snorted. "Don't get your panties in a twist, Legs, I'm no Holmes type."
"Hmm." Stolas made a show of examining Blitz's sprawled-out form over the bench: the scuffed combat boots, the torn jeans, the spiked leather jacket. "Perhaps if Sherlock were more predisposed to leather?" Stolas's lips twitched. "That would have been quite the statement in the nineteenth century."
Blitz grinned. "Yeah? You got jokes now, funny guy?"
"Are you morally opposed to calling me by name, or have you just forgotten it already?"
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Stolas just wanted to pick up Via, drop her off with her mother, go home, and watch telenovelas until he passed out. He should have known better.
Octavia is aged down to 15 and Loona to 17.
Recent series
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Summary
Fizz pushed out of Blitz's hold and slipped through the curtain, and the growl cut off into a squeal. "Fizzie!"
"Ozzie!"
Blitz leaned against the wall, grinning, holding his arm against his bruised ribs. He could just see Fizz and Asmodeus through the crack in the curtains. Fuck, he was beat to shit, and all he could smell for a few long moments was blood and smoke that clung to his clothes, then the faintest hint of lavender. It was practically a Pavlovian response, the way Blitz's muscles loosened.
Wait, lavender--?
The curtains fluttered open, and Blitz felt like he'd been shot directly in the chest, because standing there, frozen, beak open, was Stolas, gripping his stupid top hat and all four eyes wide and trained on Blitz's beat-up form.
"Stolas?"
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Fizz convinces Blitz to help him get up to Ozzie's office at the end of Oops, and Things Sure Do Happen.
- Words:
- 40,833
- Works:
- 4
- Bookmarks:
- 28
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Summary
This is a collection of all of my reverse-crush one-shots, in chronological order. Enjoy, cheerios!
--- Love, Cap'n Crunch
- Words:
- 5,192
- Works:
- 3
- Bookmarks:
- 63
Recent bookmarks
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Summary
In an attempt to usurp Stolas's powers and station, Andrealphus and Stella use illegal magics to strip him of his magic and banish him to the human world. Coincidentally, Blitz finds a poor little owl with a broken wing on one of his jobs and he decides to bring it home to nurse back to health. He spends the next few weeks bonding with his new pet while Stolas gets to know his favorite little imp a little better, and by the time the truth comes out, it's too late and they've both made fools of themselves.
*Set an AU point between Ozzie's and Seeing Stars, where they're still continuing their deal as normal. -
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Summary
FANDOM AU! • Crowley is a BNF fic writer, and Aziraphale is a lurking artist who might be just a little parasocially in love with him. How they ever became friends is beyond him, but here they are: One month out from Prophet Con, and Crowley is asking him to be his boyfriend. Just for the weekend, of course.
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 103,997
- Chapters:
- 17/17
- Collections:
- 2
- Comments:
- 3,105
- Kudos:
- 4,622
- Bookmarks:
- 925
- Hits:
- 100,994
Bookmarked by capncrunchin
14 Jun 2024
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Summary
It starts with Marinette accidentally signing a Valentine's card with the wrong name, and it ends with a secret relationship that's filled with bad clothing choices and a copious amount of make-up. AU.
Series
- Part 1 of À Partir De
Bookmarked by capncrunchin
07 Apr 2019
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Summary
Despite being young, single, and successful, the only girl who has Adrien’s attention is his daughter. That is, until the new nanny makes a spot for herself in both their lives in a way that no one, not even the nanny herself, was expecting.
Series
- Part 2 of Second Chances
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 109,623
- Chapters:
- 27/27
- Comments:
- 1,262
- Kudos:
- 6,391
- Bookmarks:
- 1,169
- Hits:
- 143,412
Bookmarked by capncrunchin
11 Jan 2019
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Summary
Adrien finds out Ladybug's true identity. Since Cat Noir has been thoroughly friend-zoned, he figures maybe he can woo her as Adrien. But that means doing it without his mask. And that's scarier than any supervillain Hawk Moth could throw at him.
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 60,623
- Chapters:
- 31/31
- Collections:
- 1
- Comments:
- 290
- Kudos:
- 1,799
- Bookmarks:
- 403
- Hits:
- 38,128
Bookmarked by capncrunchin
21 Nov 2018