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Hello, DanAndPhilPODCAST...stars!
Phil, no.
What?
We’re not doing that, you’re not gonna start every episode of this by naming the audience and you’re definitely not gonna say it all weird and slow like that.
I didn’t say it weird and slow! And -
You did.
- and it’s nice to name our listeners. Makes them feel included, like they’re all part of some bigger...constellation, perhaps some kind of solar system...
You’re spoiling it.
I’m spoiling it. Anyway, we have a podcast!
We do. So like, Dan and Phil in 2019, what’s that about, right? Still just trying to give the people what they want. And apparently they want a podcast.
Yeah!
Long form content, lots of bants, irrelevant waffle…
Maybe it won’t all be irrelevant, though. Maybe we could learn some stuff along the way!
Like we’re learning stuff about ourselves today, good transition, Phil.
Thank you! We are gonna learn about ourselves today, because we’re starting out this podcast series by taking a little peak at our birth charts.
Yeah. Now look. Look. I had like, basically no idea what this was until like, four hours ago. This was all Phil’s idea.
It was. Well, people have been tweeting this at me for ages, and I just finally got around to looking it up.
In other words, Phil’s known what this was for like, five hours.
No! We were talking a few weeks ago about like, ideas for the podcast, and I said that we should start with this because it was really heavily requested. And plus it’s like a little, you know, Get To Know Dan and Phil segment, in case people haven’t watched us before.
Turn back now, honestly, if that’s the case.
Shut up, don’t do that. It’s gonna be great. So I starting have a little sniff around the internet about like, star signs, because I already knew that I’m an Aquarius and Dan’s a Gemini. And I thought I would put together a little thing about what that means about our personalities, our habits, whether or not we annoy each other as flatmates -
Spoiler alert, we do. It’s terrible.
It is. But then like, I got totally sucked into reading about this stuff because there’s so much more than I thought there was!
It’s really - I didn’t see you for like, three days, because you were just holed up in the office ass-deep in some star forum.
Yeah. It was bad. And I’m still not an expert by any means, so like, there’s your disclaimer. But I printed a bunch of stuff out for us to go over.
You really did. Phil killed so many trees, you guys. Many trees were ruined in the making of this podcast.
It’s fine. I’ll go plant some trees in a field this weekend, that can be the next episode.
Sure, okay.
So whose do you want to do first?
Yours, obviously, I’m not gonna sit here and be subject to some kind of celestial psychoanalysis when I’ve no idea what’s even going on.
Fine, we’ll do me first. So my birthday is January 30th, which makes me an Aquarius. And I decided that it’s fitting because the symbol, or I guess the constellation, is like these two squiggly lines? And that’s how I feel on the inside.
It sort of looks like some really pathetic spaghetti. LIke two strands that snekked their way out of the colander and are just having a lie down in the sink instead.
Dan! It’s not like that at all.
No, it’s fine, it’s just saying that you’re a very wobbly person, which is true.
I don’t think that’s what it’s saying. So the first thing I looked up was just ‘general Aquarius traits.’ And it said that Aquarius men are unpredictable, intelligent, social, independent, and excellent communicators.
Social? You can’t say that, it’s against our branding, Phil. We just had an entire stage show devoted to how introverted we are. I have to agree with unpredictable, though.
Unpredictable in a good way!
How is it in a good way if I end up awake at eight in the morning because you got the sudden urge to play Ariana Grande on full blast to ‘help you wake up’?
You love Ariana. Don’t tell me she’s not a positive influence in your life.
Well there sure as hell aren’t any other positive influences in this apartment, so -
Hey!
- so I guess she can stay.
She’s basically our third flatmate. But Dan, it also says that I’m indecisive, which is, uh, maybe a little bit accurate. Do you think?
Oh, like last week when we had to spend an entire hour deciding what takeaway to get? Because you couldn’t pick between Indian and Chinese? No, can’t imagine you as indecisive, Phil.
That was an incredibly important decision, it’s only right that I should devote so much time to it.
It would’ve been even longer if I didn’t make you flip a coin. What else does the star thing say, besides that you’re a terror to live with?
So basically there’s a chart that tells you where all the planets were at the time you were born, and that will reveal to us all the magical and flawless aspects of my personality.
Okay, the science of the planets sounds cool but somehow I’m doubting it has any impact on, like, how you were raised. How you act. Your entire personality. I mean, I know Uranus has some impacts on your personality, but…
Stop it. I’m banning Uranus jokes from the podcast right now.
Oh Philly, you can ban Uranus jokes from the podcast but you can’t ban them from the rest of my life, you’ll be hearing Uranus in the middle of the night for - oh god okay, no, let’s move on. Planets.
Planets. Is the sun a planet? Or is it just, like, the sun?
It’s a star you idiot, literally like five year olds know this.
Oh, whatever. I’m not a planet-ist. I was just asking because the first thing I think we should discuss is the sun sign.
Right, sun sign, okay, hit us with those factorinos, Phil. What’s that mean and why’s it important in this science that isn’t really science?
It means that this is the image, the vibe that I put out into the world.
Okay, so ‘weird ex-emo’ should be right there on the page, yeah? Is it gonna predict your bizarre hand thing, too? Sorry, sorry, go on.
Actually, it says that I aim to free myself of social conditioning. So society should just stop pressuring me into doing ‘normal’ things with my hands!
Right, yes Phil, break free from societal norms! Okay, yeah, I can get behind that. I mean, I’ll still pressure you to do normal things with your - never mind. Move on, let’s move on. Social conditioning, what do you think, then?
I mean, I’ve never been someone who does things the usual way, you know? Try new things, and all that. Different solutions.
No that’s very accurate, actually.
See, it’s real science!
It’s not ‘real science,’ it just got lucky. I mean, social, Phil, it said you were social. You can’t predict personalities based on planets, they’re not related literally at all.
Just wait til we get to yours, Dan. I had a little peek at it and I think you’ll be surprised.
Right, yeah, sure, okay. Let’s move on, you’re a social nerd who does things his own way, what else did the planets say?
Okay, the next one is my moon in Aquarius, and my sun was in Aquarius as well, I don’t think I said that.
You’re just a squiggly boy all over aren’t you.
That’s what makes me so interesting! Who doesn’t like a good squiggle?
Ugh, okay, let’s talk about something else.
So just like how the sun is what you look like from the outside, the moon is how you feel on the inside. And it’s not squiggly.
Ooh, not squiggly, how mysterious. The moon isn’t a planet either, just want to continue to tear apart this pseudoscience. But please, go on, not squiggly?
Maybe the moon feels like a planet on the inside.
Okay, to be fair, Pluto’s ‘not a planet’ but it’s definitely still a planet. Not sure the moon counts, but if it wants to be a planet on the inside, I guess never stop chasing your dreams or something?
Exactly. So! The science says that when you have an Aquarius moon, it means you’re very observant.
Pseudoscience, see! That couldn’t be more wrong. Not only are your eyes broken, but you literally don’t notice anything.
That’s not true! Maybe I’m just picky about the kinds of things I observe.
What was the last thing you actually observed, or like, noticed? You let a spider crawl around our flat for twenty minutes even though it was massive and black and very, very noticeable!
I was just observing what the optimal time would be to trap him under a cup. Which was an incredible success, I’d like to add.
Only after I shouted at you to do something! Jesus christ, this isn’t even - get back to the squiggly thing. So far I’m hearing ‘social’ and ‘observant’ and the only thing it’s gotten right is your uniqueness.
Okay, the last squiggly boy in my chart is Mercury, which I’m at least 90% sure is maybe, definitely a planet.
Yes, Phil, Mercury is a planet. Closest one to the sun, actually.
Someone did A-level space geography. Anyway, let me read you this sentence and you can say whether or not you think it’s true. “When Mercury is in Aquarius, he is not necessarily loud or flamboyant, but he has a quiet way of stirring others up.”
‘Quiet,’ is that what we’re calling moving the phone charger? Or eating all my cereal? Leaving socks everywhere? And blankets, and all your crap? I swear I just tripped over a tiny figurine this morning, it was - was it a bulbasaur or something? Why did you leave it in the lounge? What could you possibly have been doing with a tiny Pokémon in the lounge?
Now that sounds like a spoiler for a future episode of the DanAndPhilPODCAST.
I don’t even want to know what I’m going to be subjected to. If you’re listening, save me.
You’ll love it. A bulbasaur is always a good time.
Oh, no, don’t say that. Don’t ruin Pokémon.
I’ll ruin whatever I like, it’s my podcast.
It’s our podcast, DanAndPhilPODCAST. Right in the name. And you won’t ‘ruin’ anything, god, what - what were we even supposed to be talking about? Fake science? Astrology? Planets? Your squiggly everything?
There’s no more squiggly things. And I dare you to find a way to disprove the next planet, definitely a planet, which is Venus.
Right, what does Venus say?
She says only things that are true. That I’m warm-hearted, lovable, and sweet-tempered. And you can’t say otherwise or else everyone in the comments will fight you for the rest of eternity.
Yes, Phil is the most kind, gentle, sweet, and lovable person on the planet! We all stan Phil, perfect angel bean. You really, really, really live up to that all the time, always.
You’re only saying that because the microphones are on. And because science is true and correct. But here’s something about you, Dan, it says that you don’t need to be refined, polished, or graceful to win my favor. So it makes sense that I can put up with you, see!
Oh wow, thanks Phil...glad you can ‘put up’ with me...best friends and soulmates. He can ‘put up’ with me, guys.
Ugh, this is getting too sappy. Shall we jump straight to Uranus?
Oh so you’re allowed to make Uranus jokes, I see how it is. Phil likes Uranus, guys. What does Uranus say about you, Phil?
This was a mistake.
You’re the one who wanted us to read our star charts, I’m just here cause it’s the DanAndPhilPODCAST. Come on, everyone’s waiting for Uranus!
It says “sometimes blunt and irritable.” Dan, you’ve got to edit this bit out, come on!
Edit - Phil, you could not convince me to edit this out if my literal life depended on it. No, we’re keeping that in.
I’m quitting the podcast.
But wait, we haven’t even gotten to talking about my Uranus yet! Phil’s Uranus is blunt and irritable, guys.
Yeah, good idea Dan, I think we should move on to your chart. I’m tired of being bullied on my own show.
Our show, but fine. Alright, hand over the paper, what’s my fake science planetary alignment say about me.
Um, no, I’m not letting you read it.
What - no, no, I’ll pretend it’s real, let me -
No, give it back! I did all the research, I’ve got my glasses on, I’m the scientist today.
Ugh, fine, fine, you’re the ‘scientist’ today, sure. What’s my Uranus saying about me?
We’ll get there. First of all, Dan, you’re a Gemini. Which is less exciting than being a squiggle, if you ask me.
Yeah, I’m like the twins or whatever?
Hang on, the symbol just looks like two I’s smushed together! It’s Interactive Introverts Part Two, guys!
Oh my god, can you believe astrology predicted Interactive Introverts? I was literally born to do that stage show. I am Interactive Introverts. Hit us with that science, Phil.
It says that Gemini represents two different personalities in one, and that you’ll never be sure which one you face. Ooh, that needs a dramatic sound effect for sure.
I’m two-face. Batman villain. But honestly, am I really just two different personalities? I feel like I have at least seven, minimum. It’s like a game of roulette when I wake up, who am I gonna be?
Ooh, that’s deep. But they’re all still just Dan, though.
I mean, yeah, I’m still just me. Or am I? Now there’s your dramatic sound effect. Okay, so planets predicted I’d be an Interactive Introvert and they predicted my identity issues. What else?
What else, let’s see...
I can’t believe you won’t even let me look at the paper. Literally, guys, he’s hiding it, like I can’t even see.
You’re the patient here, you don’t get to look at the records. I’m diagnosing you with Gemini disease.
Sounds serious, how long do I have?
Maybe if you have seven personalities, you also have seven lives. Like a weird cat.
Seven lives is way too long, could you imagine living seven times the normal human lifespan? Jesus christ, existence is bad enough, I can’t do that for seven hundred years. Seven hundred, that’s like...
Okay, I think we’re getting off track. Although it does say that you’re a very restless person, so really, do go on. You’re just proving my point.
No, no, I’m not letting your fake science pin me. Are we getting to Uranus yet? I’m - I can’t even say it with a straight face. Just - ugh, let’s move on.
Wanna hear about you sun? The face you put on for the rest of the world?
Aren’t I always putting on a face? What’s even behind the facade? Okay, yeah, yes, tell me what the sun thinks, because suns have sentience and future-telling powers.
The sun thinks that your urge for self-expression is very strong, and that you’re curious to a fault. It also says here that you have ‘a finger in every pie’? Gross, Dan.
Okay, see, Phil’s literally just making shit up he knows is accurate, that’s why he’s not letting me see the page! And what can I say, I like having my fingers in things. All sorts of things, if ya catch my drift.
Stop.
What, too much fake science for you, Phil? You’re the one saying it’s all true!
It is true, at least that part is! And I’m not making it up, any one of our followers could go look up our birth charts and analyze us. We literally put the exact times we were born in TABINOF, so it’s hyper-accurate.
Okay, fine, I suppose you have a point. About the accuracy of when we were born, not the accuracy of astrology. But yes, self-expression is very important to me, I’ll give you that. See? I can play fake science.
Are you getting to express yourself here on the podcast, or do we have to wait for Dani Snot On Fire to return to see one of your true selves?
Oi, shut it. Yes, I’m expressing one of my many personalities, and that personality is feeling very attacked right now. I did not come on this show to be dragged through my past cringe, okay.
Okay, I’m sorry. Do you want to be distracted with an interesting fact?
Do I? What - yeah, y’know what, sure. Fact me, Phil.
So my, uh, let’s see, my Sun, Moon, and Mercury were all in Aquarius, and your same three are all in Gemini. Is that weird, that they’re the same like that?
I have no idea, Phil. You’re the ‘scientist’. But I guess it does seem a bit unusual? I don’t know anything about this stuff, okay.
It’s a perfect cosmic coincidence. They’ll write about us in science textbooks in the future.
Astrology isn’t real science but I have no doubt they’ll dissect you anyway, don’t worry.
Eugh, we shouldn’t talk about dissection on the podcast, it’ll get demontized.
They don’t demonetize for that, it’s - we’re not talking about anything bad! If anything, it’ll be Uranus that gets us demonetized.
You’re right. But we need Uranus, it’s what everything is building up to here.
Ah, god, this is getting worse and worse. Okay, so we did, what, my sun? What’s my moon, also Gemini? And what the hell does that mean? We’re getting so off topic.
That’s the DanAndPhilPODCAST branding. Or just the Dan and Phil branding, probably. Anyway, remember that your moon represents your emotions, your inner mood.
So it’s just black. A black hole. Reflection of my soul or something?
No. Although it does say that you may need more...stimulation than others. Do you want to comment on that?
No, I think I’ll just leave that one open for interpretation. Alright, what’s next?
Hang on, it says that “you may pay too much attention to what everyone else is doing, and lose touch with what you really want to do.” That’s deep.
Shut up, it doesn’t say that, let me see.
Fine, see for yourself. The stars have really got you cornered there, Dan.
Oh, bullshit. Fine, it’s got a few things right. I still don’t see how this is science. It’s hand-wiggly guessing at best.
I don’t know, Dan. I mean, obviously, the position of the stars and planets and whatever else doesn’t determine, like, everything about you. But maybe if you listen closely to them, you could actually find something meaningful!
Oh, god, Phil, there’s way too much searching for meaning in my life already, I know the old branding is dead but this is basically asking for an existential crisis.
But that’s the whole thing about your moon! You’re someone who wants to search for meaning in the universe!
Yeah, I need meaning in my life, of course I do! But like, I’m not gonna search in astrology for it. I’d rather search, like, in my path in life and who I am and stuff. And what I do, with videos or whatever content I create. The people I work with. That stuff. Real stuff, not fake science and stars.
Dan! It’s not the end of the podcast yet, you can’t inject the moral right here in the middle.
I’ll inject whatever I want, thanks! Speaking of, are we getting around to my Uranus yet?
Patience, Daniel.
Oi, get on with it.
We need to talk about your final Gemini first, which is Mercury. And we need to talk about it because it says you’re bound to have many, uh, eclectic interests. Do you want to tell us about some of them?
You cannot kinkshame me on this show, I did not consent.
And there’s also some more stuff about the kind of stimulating environments you need.
Okay yeah, this is not real science, this is you making shit up about ‘stimulation,’ where the hell did you even find this?
The internet, of course, where all true facts live.
So it’s a sex thing, you’re telling me this is a sex thing. ‘Stimulating,’ nobody uses that word if it’s not a sex thing. ‘The internet,’ yeah, okay Phil. Jesus christ, and you were worried about ‘dissecting’ getting us demonetized.
I believe the recording will show that you suggested that it’s a sex thing, not me. That’s the beauty of a podcast!
You’re the one going around using the word ‘stimulating’ every other sentence, jesus. Can we just move on? This is getting worse by the second.
Okay, okay. Look, this has obviously been hard on you so far, so I’ll do something nice for you now.
Why do I get the feeling this is going to be something not nice...
It will be nice! I was reading ahead through the next section, and I learned that since your Venus is in Leo, you need loads of attention paid to you, and I should make sure to tell you how wonderful you are. So Dan, you are wonderful. Thanks for making a podcast with me.
Ugh, disgusting. Okay, this has gotten way too emotional, I have stars calling me out and Uranus telling me I should be stimulated or something-
No, no, do you want to hear what it actually says about your Uranus?
Do I?
It’s in Capricorn. “A great battler. He has so much power, that one thinks nothing can defeat him.”
Tell that to a large deep dish Chicago pizza, I have absolutely been defeated more than once. That’s a good one, though. I like my Uranus.
Is that really the note you want to end this episode on?
This whole thing was a disaster from start to finish, so I feel like it represented the show quite well.
But it’s our disaster, so I think it’s alright. Do you feel like we learned anything today? I feel like I need to go back to reading the forums some more.
I learned that you’re a squiggly, wobbly, unpredictable person who likes to leave socks on the floor. Oh, wait! No, I already knew that. I feel like this was more just a confirmation of the things we already know, sort of a self-fulfilling prophecy. You go enjoy those forums, though, Phil.
I will! So I bet some of you guys know way more about this stuff than us, so feel free to keep tweeting me your analyses. And make sure you tag Dan, because he really wants to read them all as well.
I would love nothing more than to spend my free time reading fake science, yes. I feel like this is our twenty-second endscreen, minus the screen bit.
It is. We’re in the endscreen, just imagine us hanging out in our little corner.
We are actually in the corner, though, in the lounge. Sort of weird, not being on camera.
It is weird. Maybe this is the start of our ASMR channel. Anyway, make sure you’re subscribed to our podcast, and tweet us your ideas for upcoming episodes! Or else Dan will just be subjected to mysterious bulbasaurs.
Oh god, I don’t want to think about it. Yeah, tweet us, subscribe, I’m pointing at nothing which you can’t see but I feel like I have to point somewhere.
Bye!
Bye!