Chapter Text
They were staring at him. Well a lot of people were staring at him, but the looks that the knights and Arthur were giving him as his set continued started to put him on edge. He gently shook the thoughts from his head as he focused on the feel of the strings against his fingers. He glanced behind him at James who was tapping his foot along to the rhythm, and then he turned to Alex whose eyes were closed as he strummed his part of the song. Merlin felt his own eyes close as he melted into the final verse of the song.
Deafening cheers caused him to open his eyes again as the last note faded into silence from the band. Merlin laughed happily as he scanned the crowd with a wide smile. “As always you guys are an amazing audience! We have one more song to play then we’re going to take a short break. I hope you enjoy.”
He tapped his foot three times as he heard Alex strumming his guitar. He smiled softly and took a deep breath as he looked back to the group.
“I used to rule the world
Seas would rise when I gave the word
Now in the morning, I sleep alone
Sweep the streets I used to own
I used to roll the dice
Feel the fear in my enemy's eyes
Listen as the crowd would sing
Now the old king is dead! Long live the king!”
His eyes locked with Arthurs once more and his smile saddened a bit. He remembered Arthur’s coronation like it was yesterday, even though it was so long ago. The knights were all looking at Arthur as well, varying degrees of fondness and sadness shadowing their faces.
“One minute I held the key
Next the walls were closed on me
And I discovered that my castles stand
Upon pillars of salt and pillars of sand”
Almost immediately multiple pairs of eyes flipped back onto Merlin. None of them could imagine what he went through all those years alone. The only eyes that never wavered were Arthur’s. Merlin was his best friend, and when he sang like this, with his whole heart on his sleeve. Arthur’s heart… It broke for him.
“I hear Jerusalem bells are ringing
Roman Cavalry choirs are singing
Be my mirror, my sword and shield
My missionaries in a foreign field
For some reason I can't explain
Once you go there was never, never a honest word
And that was when I ruled the world”
Merlin’s eyes had closed once more as he sang the chorus, his mind flashing back to Camelot and the memories he held onto. He saw the lies he told and the friends he lost. Even when he opened his eyes again and saw the people who had returned, he remembered why he wrote the song.
“It was a wicked and wild wind
Blew down the doors to let me in
Shattered windows and the sound of drums
People couldn't believe what I'd become
Revolutionaries wait
For my head on a silver plate
Just a puppet on a lonely string
Oh, who would ever want to be king?”
He ripped his eyes away from Arthur at that moment, a small shrug slipping from his body with the last line. He pulled the microphone from the stand and jumped from the stage into the crowd, walking along and letting fans sing from time to time.
“I hear Jerusalem bells are ringing
Roman Calvary choirs are singing
Be my mirror, my sword and shield
My missionaries in a foreign field
For some reason I can't explain
I know Saint Peter won't call my name
Never an honest word
But that was when I ruled the world.”
He jumped onto a table setting the microphone down as he encouraged everyone to help with the next part of the song. He nodded to the band as they started clapping the rhythm and singing with him.
“Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.”
Using the tables Merlin quickly made his way back to the stage, grabbing his guitar for the last of the song.
“I hear Jerusalem bells are ringing
Roman Calvary choirs are singing
Be my mirror, my sword and shield
My missionaries in a foreign field
For some reason I can't explain
I know Saint Peter won't call my name
Never an honest word
But that was when I ruled the world!”
The band bowed as they finished out the song. “Thank you, thank you very much!” Merlin said over the applause as he ran a hand through his hair. “Now make sure you stick around, tip your waitress, and have a drink. We’ll be back for the second half in thirty minutes!”
Merlin led the group off the stage, noticing Arthur leading the knights backstage as he walked. He sighed softly and shook his head, wondering what they were going to have to say. He felt an arm wrap around his waist and glanced up to smile at James. The man kissed Merlin on the forehead and squeezed the man tightly for a second before they continued to walk though he didn’t let go.
Alex moved ahead of them, fake gagging before singing childishly. “Merls and Jamie sitting in a tree!” As soon as he began to laugh, Merlin and James joined him. Their friend may be an idiot but his laughter was contagious. They reached the green room the same moment Arthur and the knights did.
Merlin smiled softly and motioned them inside. “Come on in, we can talk in here.” He said letting the others step in before he followed suit behind them, closing the door tightly once he was through. “Alright I saw the looks, speak your piece.” Merlin held up his hand as most of the knights started talking at once. “One at a time, Gwaine you start.” He said as he poured himself a drink before sitting between Alex and James so he could face his old friends.
Gwaine smirked softly at the others in the room before looking at Merlin and asking in a very serious tone. “Merlin… Why did you never tell us you could sing?” He asked raising a brow. Arthur and the other knights looked at him incredulously, unable to believe that with everything that happened that’s what he chose to ask.
Merlin on the other hand looked shocked for a moment before he started laughing. “I uh…” He snorted softly and took a drink before clearing his throat. “Singing is something I picked up after Camelot. However with all the time I was called a girl’s petticoat, can you blame me?” He asked teasingly. When Gwaine nodded with understanding Merlin turned to another knight. “Alright Percival any questions?” He moved on quickly when the large man shook his head gently. “Lance?” He questioned calmly.
“Are you happy?” The knight asked calmly. “Are you truly happy? Not Camelot happy, not around us happy; are you truly, honestly happy?” He inquired leaning forward slightly to study his friends face.
Merlin was quiet this time, no smiling, or laughing. He stood up and made his way over a table and poured himself another drink after downing the one in his hand. “I suppose that depends.” He said finally, taking another moment before turning around and looking over the knights. “At certain times, yes, but other times no.” He responded with a small shrug. “At times I feel like I’m on a cloud, nothing bad has ever touched me. Then again, sometimes I feel like someone has tied blocks to my ankles and threw me into the water with no chance to survive.” He ran a hand through his hair and let out a heavy sigh. He didn’t give a chance for anyone to speak before he moved on. “Elyan, it’s your turn.” He said with a nod.
Elyan stared at the warlock for a long moment before looking down. “You told us they saved your life. I want to know what you needed saving from.” He said calmly, his tone similar to how you would approach a wounded animal.
“Decided to come to me with the hard questions?” He said with a sad smile on his face. “They uh… They saved me from me.” He answered quietly, staring down at his once again empty glass. “You all must understand, it’s been over one thousand years for me, you admitted it felt like a matter of minutes.” He whispered his hand tightening around the glass. “Around one hundred years ago give or take; I came back out of hiding, as I usually do. It was so different this time; everything had changed since I was out before… At least it felt like it had.” He looked up at the ceiling and closed his eyes as he took a long slow breath. “I was falling apart; it felt as though I was being torn apart from the inside out. In a way it was worse than being poisoned.” A humorless chuckle left his mouth.
He sniffled slightly and leaned back against the table. “I did what I felt I had to do in order to survive, which was anything that made me feel alive. I took drunks, I got drunk, I had sex, and sometimes it worked, I felt human and whole. But then it wasn’t enough anymore.” He pushed himself off the table so he could go stare out the window. “I had been alone for so long without getting close to anyone out of fear. But somehow, I met these two idiots on the couch across from you.” Merlin actually smiled this time. “And something changed inside of me.” He admitted as he looked toward the group again. “But they hadn’t saved me yet.”
He sat on the window sill so he could gaze at the people gathered in the room. “It was on the anniversary of the fall of Camelot, suddenly everything was just too much.” His hand brushed against his arm slightly. “First you must understand something, while I am immortal, I can still die. I don’t age, and I don’t get sick, not easily at least.” He said gently before locking eyes with Arthur. “But I can die… poison, or a fatal blow can still kill me. And I tried to die that night; I tried to take my own life to be exact.” There were varying responses from the knights at that, some looked angry or scared, some look like they’re going to be sick. But Merlin pressed on he had to. “I overdosed first, I didn’t know how it felt to die, and I was a coward I didn’t want to feel it.” He admitted his gaze getting a little glassy as he gazed past them. “Then I slit my wrists, I knew where and how deep for what I wanted. I was almost unconscious when James found me, he called an ambulance, and then he called Alex. They got me help, they kept me alive. I owe them my life.”
Merlin stood up and walked over to Alex and James. “They stayed with me while I with drawled from the drugs, and they helped me when I relapsed. So I told them the truth, and they helped me through the nightmares and the fear. They helped me remember how to live again. They reminded me I wasn’t a monster, and I was worthy of love and friendship.” He smiled softly at Alex before brushing his lips against James’s forehead. “And they will be a part of my life as long as they’ll have me.” He whispered before turning to the knights and Arthur. “Leon, now it’s your turn.”
Before Leon could speak Arthur was on his feet and walking over to Merlin, purpose in his stride. He grabbed Merlin roughly by the shoulders and held him there for a moment before embracing him tightly. “How could you keep this from us?” He whispered his voice cracking slightly. “Why didn’t you let us help you now? You could have let us in.” Arthur would never admit he cried as he held onto his friend, almost afraid he would melt away if the king let go.
Merlin wrapped his arms around Arthur as well. “Because it was my own cross to bear, you all had enough to come to terms with, waking up in this world.” He whispered before pulling back slightly. “But I swear we will talk later… For now, the show must go on.” He walked to the door and let the knights and king leave first, and then he and the band walked back toward the stage.
Once Merlin had composed himself, he walked back onto the stage, relaxing at the sound of applause from the audience. He painted a grin onto his face. “Glad to see you all still here. Are you ready for the second half of the show?” He asked, waiting for the cheers of agreement to slow before he continued. “Alright, next up is a person favorite of mine titled Pompeii.”
“Eh-eh-oh, eh-oh
Eh-eh-oh, eh-oh
Eh-eh-oh, eh-oh
Eh-eh-oh, eh-oh
Eh-eh-oh, eh-oh
Eh-eh-oh, eh-oh
Eh-eh-oh, eh-oh
Eh-eh-oh, eh-oh
I was left to my own devices
Many days fell away with nothing to show
And the walls kept tumbling down
In the city that we love
Grey clouds roll over the hills
Bringing darkness from above.”
Merlin easily felt himself getting lost in the song. This was a newer one he had written, since the others had come back. He would admit some things had change inside the group, but when they were around it was easier to remember a simpler time.
“But if you close your eyes
Does it almost feel like nothing changed at all?
And if you close your eyes
Does it almost feel like you've been here before?
How am I gonna be an optimist about this?
How am I gonna be an optimist about this?”
Merlin hopped off the stage once more and walked around, dancing with the audience and plain having fun. He leaned against the bar gazing at the crowd as he began to sing once more.
“We were caught up and lost in all of our vices
In your pose as the dust settled around us
And the walls kept tumbling down
In the city that we love
Great clouds roll over the hills
Bringing darkness from above
But if you close your eyes
Does it almost feel like nothing changed at all?
And if you close your eyes
Does it almost feel like you've been here before?
How am I gonna be an optimist about this?
How am I gonna be an optimist about this?
Eh-oh, eh-oh
Eh-eh-oh, eh-oh
Eh-eh-oh, eh-oh
Eh-eh-oh, eh-oh”
Merlin walked to the knights with a soft smile on his face. He gave them each a gentle hug before he walked back to the stage singing a bit more somber on his face back.
“Oh, where do we begin?
The rubble or our sins?
Oh, oh, where do we begin?
The rubble or our sins?”
It was quiet for just a moment before the beat picked back up and Merlin sang along.
“And the walls kept tumbling down
In the city that we love
Great clouds roll over the hills
Bringing darkness from above
But if you close your eyes
Does it almost feel like nothing changed at all?
And if you close your eyes
Does it almost feel like you've been here before?
How am I gonna be an optimist about this?
How am I gonna be an optimist about this?
If you close your eyes
Does it almost feel like nothing changed at all?
Eh-eh-oh, eh-oh
Eh-eh-oh, eh-oh
Eh-eh-oh, eh-oh
Eh-eh-oh, eh-oh
Eh-eh-oh, eh-oh
Eh-eh-oh, eh-oh
Eh-eh-oh, eh-oh
Eh-eh-oh, eh-oh.”
The song faded out and the stage was covered in darkness as the crowd began to cheer. Merlin knew they still had a lot to discuss, but this was a start.