Chapter Text
Merlin didn’t really know what he was doing. He knew that he was very, very drunk and at Gaius’ bar, holding a microphone. He’d just made the biggest mistake of his life, and now he was slurring all of his insecurities to ten people.
“I did something really bad.” He said, breathless after wrestling the mic from Gwaine’s hands. “And I need someone to know.”
“I didn’t kill anybody, so don’t worry.” Merlin faltered, considering the gravity of his actions. “Actually I guess I kind of did.”
“I am a man with a secret!” He yelled into the mic, flinching when feedback rang back at him. “I’m very bad at holding my liquor.” He whispered. “And I am kind of gay. But don’t tell anybody.
“I recently got to know my dad. He’s been gone for twenty-four years, since I was a baby, and I got to meet him last year.” Merlin thought of seeing Balinor’s kind eyes, watering at the train station when he met his son. He felt sick to his stomach now, nauseous from guilt.
“Well. I met my dad and he asked me if I had a girlfriend. And I don’t know this man at all, mind you. He could leave again if he knew. So, like a coward, I said ‘yeah, Pop, I’ve got a girl.’”
Merlin shuddered at the memory. “Those words actually came out of my mouth. I was like some bad imitation of a teenage greaser. Imagine finding out you have a son and meeting him for the first time ever. And you ask him if he has a girlfriend, and he responds, ‘Yeah, Pop,’ keep in mind you have never met this kid before in your life, ‘I’ve got a girl.’ That was the first time I experienced paternal disappointment. And honestly, I may prefer not having a dad to having that confused, slightly sad, slightly let down face in my life.”
A woman at the bar laughs so hard her cocktail starts coming out of her nose. “Oh that’s gotta sting. I’ve been there, don’t worry it’ll only burn for a couple seconds. Whiskey’s the real kicker. You never want that in your nose.” Merlin remembers the feeling far too well. The woman glares at him, presumably for calling attention to her, but Merlin couldn’t be bothered. A woman that beautiful was probably used to the attention.
“So yeah, that was about a year ago. I told my dad I had a girlfriend, despite the fact that I am very gay. He started asking me about her, just general dad stuff, you know. And for some reason, I just dive into the lie. Way past the point of recovery. I say her name’s Freya. She’s pretty, dark-haired, nice, a fellow teacher. And then, because I’m an English Lit major, and I wish my life was a Dickens novel, I go ‘Oh yeah, and you know what? She’s an orphan!’”
Merlin cringed at the memory. He stopped for a moment, wanting to bask in his own shame. “Because you should absolutely bring up orphans into a conversation with your estranged father, who was forced to leave before you were born and feels like shit over it, right? So anyways, me and my orphan girlfriend Freya, are actually married. Turns out she’s my orphan wife! What do you know? My dad starts crying, he’s so happy for me. And I know, I know, I’m a real piece of shit for that, but let me tell you, it only gets worse.”
Merlin pulls up a chair, and now there’s maybe fifteen people listening to him, which is weird and stressful. He knows most of them, all regular patrons of the Citadel, but they don’t know Merlin this well. Honestly, he’s too drunk and upset to really care at this point.
“I spent the past year making up excuses as to why he couldn’t meet Freya. I made my mother cry, because she thought I didn’t want her to know about my wife.That I got married in secret so she wouldn’t find out. And somewhere, in the middle of this, I just wish I came out as gay in high school. Like yeah, I would’ve been bullied more often, but I’ve found that being shoved into a locker is a lot more enjoyable than wishing someone would shove you into a locker. Because, ladies and gentlemen, a dark locker full of rotting PB and J’s is exactly where I deserve to be right now.”
Some more people laughed, and the woman at the bar walked over and sat at the table directly across from him.
“Turns out, a twenty-six year old girl named Freya, who was orphaned at the age of ten and taught elementary school in Boston, and died last week. Car accident. And did you know that newspapers still print obituaries? Because I didn’t know that. I also didn’t know that people read obituaries. Particularly that fifty-year old Welsh men who’ve recently discovered they had a kid read the obits. Because patrons of this lovely bar, I am now a widower.”
If the bar fell silent, Merlin didn’t notice. He was too wrapped up in his own self-pity to pay attention to everyone else in the room. Only, the woman from earlier started laughing. A loud, delirious, joyful sound that reminded Merlin of how hollow he was actually feeling.
“Well I’m glad you think I’m funny. Because my parents certainly didn’t. Not that I told them the truth, but I guess I have to soon. Just, you know? I spent so much time imagining what my dad would be like that when I met him, I was so impressed. He’s actually cool . He wears leather jackets and has a full head of hair. I was expecting him to look like, I don’t know, Uther Pendragon? Super scary with a stupid comb-over? Yeah I don’t know. I’m sorry. Fuck, I’m sorry.”
And Merlin wasn’t sure what actually broke him. If it was Gaius’ pitying looks from across the room, the woman’s raucous laughter, the way she glared at him when he spoke the Pendragon name, or maybe admitting what he’d been up to for the past year. But then he was sobbing, and Gwaine was carrying him upstairs, and the woman was still glaring at his back.