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It is maybe the third meeting they have where everything starts to go wrong. The discussions for what they have started to term the Sunshot Campaign have been going well recently, mostly sequestered away in small tea houses or inns, within private rooms where they can talk in hushed voices, can discuss strategy and technique.
They are in a small tea house bordering Yunmeng, far enough away from Qishan that they do not need to worry about spies within the waitstaff, and Nie Mingjue is yelling as much someone who is trying to be discreet can yell, while Lan Xichen sips silently at his tea, nodding in agreement every so often. He is perhaps the only person here who could feasibly ask Nie Mingjue to calm down without getting maimed, and yet he is doing nothing. Beside Wei Wuxian, Jiang Cheng looks ready to murder someone, the vein in his temple pulsing and his eyes narrowed, Zidian sparking around his finger. Wei Wuxian knows that Jiang Cheng doesn’t take being yelled at well- he’d had enough of it when Madam Yu was alive, and now that he was Sect Leader, no one ever really dared to yell at him at all.
Really, Wei Wuxian reflects, he wonders what it shows that he’s the sanest one in the room.
...Okay, Lan Wangji was here as well, but Lan Wangji was always the sanest one in a room, so he didn’t count.
Nie Mingjue has only just calmed down when there is a commotion outside the room, and all of them freeze when a very familiar, arrogant voice echoes from the corridor outside.
“Waiter! Three jars of your finest wine, and you had better be quick about it!”
It is Wen Xu’s voice, haughty and snide and grating, and Wei Wuxian cringes. It is not a charming sound, nasal and scratchy, and Wei Wuxian feels sorry for the people who have to hear it daily.
But that is not the point, because the footsteps that follow behind Wen Xu show that he is not alone- far from it, and no matter that the five of them are some of the best cultivators of their generation, they cannot take an entire group of Wen cultivators and Wen Xu in the middle of a crowded tea house full of civilians.
But they also cannot stay silent forever, because an occupied tea room without any talking? That was suspicious.
And no matter that it would be rude beyond measure to barge uninvited into someone else’s private room, they knew that would not stop the Wen sect if they wanted to.
...All their voices are recognisable. None of them would be able to speak without being immediately recognised, and a gathering of three of five major sect leaders and their respective right-hand men would be as good as a declaration of war to QishanWen, with how touchy the sect was.
Summon a corpse outside, Jiang Cheng mouths at him, but Wei Wuxian shakes his head. To summon a corpse he would need to make sound, and that meant that they could be traced back to this room anyway.
They exchange looks, the five of them, and Wei Wuxian can see the panic beginning to build in the room, the way Nie Mingjue’s grip tightens on Baxia’s hilt, the way Lan Xichen grips the table tightly enough that the wood cracks. Lan Wangji has already taken out his guqin, and Wei Wuxian’s own fingers dance over Chenqing, tucked into the sash at his waist.
Is there really nothing they can do but fight?
They have been silent for too long, and there are footsteps outside, nearing the door. Wen Xu’s voice comes again, a low, “Check the room,” and everyone tenses.
Then Wei Wuxian breaths, deep, and forces his breath out in a tired, high-pitched sigh.
Jiang Cheng stares at him. What are you doing? Is written all over Jiang Cheng’s face, but Wei Wuxian ignores it, pulling on his memories of Shijie’s soft tone, of the ladies at the market selling wine and fruit and lotus pods. Then he speaks, lifting a teacup before placing it back down with a clink that is just loud enough to be heard from outside the room.
“Mingming my dear, that’s enough tea. I can tell exactly what’s bothering you, sister. Let me tell you, you really are a beauty! You have nothing to be concerned about.”
Outside the door, the footsteps stop, and then retreat.
Wei Wuxian grins, and sticks out his tongue at Jiang Cheng, who is staring at him in utter disbelief.
“You are truly a gift,” Wei Wuxian says, falsetto in place, and watches as Lan Xichen claps a hand over his mouth, eyes crinkling as he doubles over in silent laughter. “Really, that husband of yours should be grateful to have married such a treasure!”
Jiang Cheng's eyes are bulging, his mouth opening and closing as if he cannot find the words to speak- and really, he shouldn’t! It’d give the game away, and then they’d get caught and they’d all be in trouble.
In the end, Jiang Cheng settles for mouthing a silent, “What the actual fuck,” at him, to which Wei Wuxian just grins wide and ruffles Jiang Cheng’s fringe, watching as Zidian begins sparking and Jiang Cheng glares, his entire face turning red as he bites his lip to stop the yelling that undoubtedly wants to surface.
Wei Wuxian picks up the tea cup again, and then sets it down once more, and really, someone should give him props for actually making the appropriate sound effects, alright? “Mingming, please, that’s enough tea, you should know how much that husband of yours favours you!”
The Wen cultivator no longer approaches. His act has apparently passed the test, for which Wei Wuxian is most thankful- it would have terrible otherwise.
“It’s just a pair of ladies, young master Wen,” the lackey reports.
Wen Xu does not immediately reply, and everyone in the room holds their breath, waiting to be cleared. In fact, Nie Mingjue looks like he wants to go over there and beat someone up, but thankfully, he doesn’t.
“I said, check the room. There is too little commotion for a gossiping pair of ladies! ” is the sharp hiss from Wen Xu, and all Wei Wuxian can think of is- why does the Wen sect heir need to be smart at this very moment?
He sighs inwardly, giving Jiang Cheng a look when his brother almost swears. Why did they have to get the smart Wen son? Wen Chao would probably not even have bothered to be suspicious of a too-silent tea room, although- if he had proceeded to praise the “other woman’s” beauty like he had been- maybe Wen Chao would have caused a bigger problem because he would have barged in to flirt anyway.
Still, they really were down on their luck, that they’d gotten the smart son. Why couldn’t it be Wen Chao-
Oh. Right. He was dead.
(Wei Wuxian couldn’t say it was much of a loss at all, really. Ah well.)
The footsteps come back, light on wooden floorboards but all too clear to a cultivator’s hearing, and Wei Wuxian grimaces.
They cannot possibly win this fight.
Then a soft sigh breaks the silence, and Wei Wuxian has to do everything in his power not to cheer .
“I just… I just worry my dear Yuandao has lost interest in me.”
It is Lan Wangji, his expression blank as it usually is, but the voice that escapes is the soft dulcet tones of a highborn lady.
How, Wei Wuxian thinks, had he never known that Lan Wangji could act?
“Mingming! Sister, please, do not despair! Surely you can see how prized you are! It is no matter that Master Jian has recently been favouring his first wife more! You are unparalleled in your looks and grace, a perfect wife! He will return to your side soon enough- aih, it is I who should be worried- my zhangfu will not give me the time of day any longer… not since that woman had a son- I have given him plenty of children! What does that child have that my Li-er, A-Yan and Yin-er do not? He is not even the eldest son! At this rate, I worry that my Li-er will not inherit anything, no matter that he is firstborn! How much that husband of mine favours that woman, it is- ugh!”
Lan Wangji blinks at him from across the table, expression as blank as ever. He lifts the teapot to pour himself more tea, and says, “A-Xin does not need to worry- I am sure Master Han values his first wife and your children.”
And wow , Lan Wangji is putting a lot more effort into this charade than Wei Wuxian had thought he would, and- he is such an amazing actor, who would have thought? Even Lan Xichen looks mildly surprised, and, well, if Zewu-Jun could be surprised by something his brother did, then Wei Wuxian at least felt justified in doing so as well.
“Mingming is so kind,” he coos, and it takes everything in him not to match his actions to his words and cling to Lan Wangji. “Truly, I do not understand how you could ever think that husband of yours does not love you!”
“Sister is kinder,” Lan Wangji says, and his tone is perfectly reminiscent of a blushing maiden, no matter that the man himself is utterly straight-faced. “I am sure sister has nothing to be concerned about, who could know A-Xin and not love you?”
Despite himself, Wei Wuxian feels his cheeks beginning to flush red- whoever said Lan Wangji was cold clearly did not know the man well enough- he was just as romantic as the Lan Sect founder was supposed to be. Now, if only Lan Wangji would act this way to ladies on the street, there was no doubt that there would be snaking queues of women all begging to marry the Second Jade! Lan Wangji would overtake his brother on the list of young masters for sure!
(Somehow, the thought of women fighting for Lan Wangji’s attention makes something in Wei Wuxian’s chest sour, but- eh, it was probably just- indigestion or something.)
Outwardly, Wei Wuxian pouts at Lan Wangji, fluttering his eyelashes exaggeratedly. “Aih! Mingming is so sweet, there is no way Master Jian would not love an angel like you!”
Outside the door, footsteps retreat once again and Wen Xu’s voice, derisive and disparaging, sounds. “Tch. Truly just a pair of gossip-mongers! Well, I cannot be expected to drink peacefully in an environment where common folk come to gossip, can I? Hmph. We are leaving!”
A few minutes pass, and when there is no sign of the Wen cultivators returning, Wei Wuxian knows that they are well and truly safe. There is an audible sigh of relief from every party in the room, a bark of harsh laughter from Nie Mingjue, and Wei Wuxian-
Wei Wuxian scoots close, and pokes Lan Wangji’s side with a grin. “Lan Zhan, Lan Zhan! That was amazing, wonderful, hilarious! Why didn’t you tell me you could act earlier? We could have pranked so many people!”
“Not good,” Lan Wangji replies, unblinking, and the sudden deep baritone after the high pitch sends Wei Wuxian into hysterics once more.
“Lan Zhan! Lan Zhan, Lan Zhan, what do you mean not good? That was amazing, I don’t think anyone else could have done that! Zewu-Jun, Zewu-Jun, you can’t do that, right? Tell Lan Zhan how amazing he is!”
Lan Xichen laughs softly, raising his hand to cover his mouth, and nods. “Wangji, that was impressive indeed.”
Lan Wangji ducks his head at that, but his tone is even, flat as ever when he replies. “Wangji thanks Xiongzhang and Wei Ying for the compliment, but Wei Ying was better.”
Wei Wuxian splutters. “Lan Zhan! Where did your silver tongue come from suddenly, you’ve never said that much to me before! You can’t just say these kinds of things, you know, you have to save it for some nice maiden, she’ll be fawning all over you in no time!”
Lan Wangji jerks his head back up to glare at Wei Wuxian, and the sharp “Ridiculous,” that he bites out is much more like the Lan Wangji that Wei Wuxian knows.
Still, the movement of his head parts his hair enough for Wei Wuxian to see the pink flush that settles over Lan Wangji’s ears, and he blinks, grinning. Is that how Lan Wangji blushes, then?
Ah, he was adorable.
“Lan Zhan is so cute,” he says, laughing as Lan Wangji flashes him a startled look. “So multi-talented too, even when acting out a woman’s voice he sounds better than most women. Ah, what a perfect, flawless jade indeed- oh! And your naming sense, so adorable, Lan Zhan, how did you come up with the name A-Xin, it’s so cute, Lan Zhan-”
“Frivolous,” Lan Wangji bites out, but he does not meet Wei Wuxian’s eyes, and Wei Wuxian laughs, gleeful.
“Come on, Lan Zhan, tell me, please?”
Lan Wangji remains silent, and Wei Wuxian pouts, blinking wide puppy eyes at the other man, who still refuses to meet his gaze. “Come onnn, Lan Zhan, please tell me? Please?”
...Oh. Lan Wangji’s ears are red again, but the sight is forgotten when said man opens and shuts his mouth a few times, then mutters, “...Xingan.”
Wei Wuxian freezes. Xingan? Sweetheart? Wow, that was-
“Lan Zhan! That’s so romantic, what the fuck, who knew the great Han Guang-Jun was such a sweet talker? Imagine how lucky your future wife will be! If you spoke to maidens outside like this, I guarantee women everywhere will be lining up to be your wife!”
Off to the side of the room, Jiang Cheng splutters, outraged, but Wei Wuxian ignores him. Jiang Cheng was such a stick-in-the-mud, honestly, no wonder no maiden ever showed interest in him!
...Then again, Lan Xichen was the most desirable bachelor in the entire world, and he looked mildly surprised too.
“Ah, Wangji,” said man starts, looking at his brother with a bemused smile on his face. “Wangji, perhaps you would lik-”
“Xiongzhang,” Lan Wangji says, and immediately Lan Xichen cuts himself off, tilting his head in Lan Wangji’s direction.
“Wangji, Xiongzhang only wishes the best for y-”
“Xiongzhang,” Lan Wangji says again, and Wei Wuxian thinks he can see a kind of pained exasperation on that usually stony face. “Please.”
Lan Xichen shrugs, but chuckles lightly, subsiding. “I suppose. Alright, Wangji.”
Lan Wangji nods. “Mn.”
Then Nie Mingjue slams a palm down on the table, hard enough to rattle the entire table and send the teapot and cups on the table clinking and shaking, but not hard enough for them to fall off the table and shatter.
“Okay!” He all but yells, and the purposeful way he sheathes Baxia draws everyone’s eye to the effortless bunch of muscle that controls the blade that most cultivators cannot even hope to lift. “That’s enough of that, are we going to go back to planning anytime soon? If we aren’t, I will head back to the Unclean Realm, I’m fairly certain Huaisang is using my absence to slack off again! Not all of us are so free as to begin flirting under the guise of made up characters, you know!”
Wei Wuxian balks at that, mouth falling open to protest even as Lan Wangji appears to remain as unfazed by this as he is by anything. “Chifeng-zun, you-”
Lan Xichen lets out a tired sigh. “Da-ge, please, this is neither the time nor the place-”
Nie Mingjue arches an eyebrow. “Xichen, surely you can see it-”
“Da-ge-”
Then it is Jiang Cheng’s turn to slam his hands down on the table, and this time a teacup teeters precariously on the edge of the table and topples off a second later, saved only by the way Lan Xichen dives to catch it. Jiang Cheng evidently does not care about this close call, because there are red veins in his eyes and Zidian is crackling ominously around his finger, a sure sign of his irritation. “Chifeng-zun is right, can we please just shut the fuck up and continue this fucking trainwreck of a meeting? YunmengJiang isn’t going to run itself, you know!”
A rueful laugh from Lan Xichen. “Ah, Sect Leader Jiang is correct, we were here for a reason, and we should aim to complete it. Very well, then, does anyone have any feasible plans on how to destabilise QishanWen before we declare war?”
Wei Wuxian sighs. Back to the meeting.
(Well, at least this had been fun while it lasted. And he got to see Lan Wangji’s unknown talent in action too! That was definitely a win.)