Work Text:
“Stay #Hydrated.”
“You don’t say hashtag out loud, Shawn.” Gus said from his desk on the other side of the room.
“Maybe you don’t but all the cool kids do.”
“By kids you mean teenagers. Teenagers, I guess but no one our age says it.”
“Well, they’re missing out. It makes everyday phrases colorful. It adds some glitz and glamour to anything. For example, my friend left his wallet in his desk so I used his cash to buy some churros from the vendor down the street, #blessed.”
“Shut it, Shawn. I’m trying to work.”
“You’re just jealous that I got to indulge in cinnamon sugar goodness and you didn’t.” Shawn moseyed on over. “What are you working on?”
“My actual job, that I need to afford the lavish lifestyle that you, for some reason, have become accustomed to without any help on my part.”
“If you don’t want me to be comfortable that’s on you but I will be speaking to my divorce attorney. And just so you know, buddy, if we split like a banana I am entitled to alimony. If you don’t want me spending that you shouldn’t make it so easy. #getthatpaper”
“I left it in a locked desk drawer.”
“With the key in the top drawer. You’re lucky it was just churros. #yummy #food”
“I doubt it but whatever.”
“#suckit”
🍍🍍🍍
“Jules, your eyebrows are on fleek.” Shawn strolled into the precinct and over to Detective O’Hara’s desk.
“They are?” She said in a confused tone. She fumbled for her purse underneath her desk and pulled out a compact.
“It’s a good thing.” Shawn said. “They’re looking great.”
She still looked in the compact to make sure that she wasn’t being tricked and then looked at him. “Okay. Thanks.”
“He started learning teen slang.”
“Why? Do you have any teens that you need to communicate with?”
“It’s not just teens. It’s all and any who seek the best and the most condensed content. It is streamlining the world of humor for the younger generation. I’m just trying to stay hip with the times.”
“Okay.” Jules said. She gave Gus a look that he returned.
“I’m trying to convert Gus but he is immune to my siren ways.”
“I can only hope that I am too.”
“You’re missing out, Jules. I sing a beautiful siren song. It would make your ears smile.”
“It’s true.”
🍍🍍🍍
“I’m loving that cronch.”
“What the actual fuck?” Gus said around a mouth full of Count Chocula.
“That cronch is giving me life.”
“Who are you?”
“I am a woke citizen of the modern world, Gus. Who are you?”
🍍🍍🍍
“Spencer, get off my lap.”
“It’s free real estate,” Shawn whispered in his ear.
Lassiter stood up and Shawn toppled to the floor.
🍍🍍🍍
“Are you dancing? This is a fucking crime scene. Show some respect.”
“I’m not dancing. I’m dabbing. And I’m dabbing because I know who did it. I’m slaying life over here, gentlemen and gentlewoman. Get ready to be #mindblown.”
🍍🍍🍍
“How are you doing?”
“Thanks for checking in, I’m still a piece of garbage.”
“Mr. Spencer, I’m… at a loss.”
“Mr. Spencer is my father, and my dog. Again, you can call me Shawn. Or Shawn the Mystic if you prefer. ”
“Uh,” Chief Vick hesitated at a loss for words.
“Just ignore him. What do you have for us, Chief?” Gus rolled his eyes.
🍍🍍🍍
“I’ll take the nachos.” Shawn told the waitress.
“And I’ll have the caesar salad.”
“So what are you thinking?” After the waitress left.
“I’m thinking that I'm starving and for 10.45 there better be a lot of queso.”
“Not that, the case.”
“Oh, I was thinking that we should check out the house. There’s something not right about it. The door was unlocked. There was no damage to the frame. But it wasn’t anyone that they’ve interviewed yet. There has to be someone hidden, a secret someone. A hidden lover perhaps. A secret sapian.”
“Well, we can go after I pop by the office. This is just lunch. This is not an escapade.”
“Everything with you is an escapade, my dear Gus. We are conquering the world one meal at a time.”
“You know that’s right.”
The waitress approached with a tray.
“Okay, so I have one caesar salad. I didn’t know if you wanted the dressing on the side so I just put I put it on the side. Hope that's okay.”
“That's perfect.” Gus gave her a look like just because she put his dressing on the side, they are going to spend the rest of their lives together, living in a cul de sac and raising 2.5 golden children who would grow up to be doctors and models. “Thank you.”
“And I have a plate of nachos.”
“Hurricane Katrina, more like Hurricane tortilla. That is a lot of chips.” Shawn said taking it from her. “Thank you. Do you have any hot sauces?”
“Yeah, I’ll bring one over in a second. Do either of you want a refill?”
“No, we’re good. But thanks.” Shawn said.
She walked away in search of hot sauce.
“What was that?”
“That was good customer service, that’s what it was. We need to give her a good tip. And by we I mean you.”
“That was implied. No, the hurricane thing. What is that?”
“Oh, it’s this vine thing.”
“Vine?”
“Yeah, it’s like this mini youtube or something. I’m slowly getting addicted. I’ll show you some when we get back to the office.”
“Fine.”
🍍🍍🍍
“I don’t get it.” Gus said, rubbing his temple.
“What don’t you get?” Shawn squawked indignantly. “How can you witness this genius and not be amazed?”
“They’re not funny.” Gus said walking away from Shawn’s desk.
“Excuse me? How dare you disrespect my gods?”
“There’s literally nothing funny about them. They’re too short and they don’t make sense and… and I don’t need to explain myself.”
“That’s because your sense of humor is dated and you have not yet seen the light.”
“I just think you’re ridiculous and you have lost your goddamn mind.”
“Well, maybe you just didn’t like that compilation. Let’s watch one more before you are condemned to a humorless existence.”
“I’ve had enough, thank you and I have work to do. You can watch it by yourself. Or not at all. Your choice.”
“Come on, son.” Shawn said, clicking play and turning up the volume out of spite.
🍍🍍🍍
“Love!” Shawn shouted, after creeping up on Lassie
If he was more of a wimp Lassie would admit that he jumped a foot off the ground. But he didn’t. He would deny it to anyone who asked. The files that he was holding stayed perfectly in his arms, and he did not squeak.
“Why is everyone afraid of love?”
🍍🍍🍍
They were walking down the street and heard the funky beat of street performers. Shawn and Gus detored from their route to the churro cart to check it out.
In the middle of a medium sized circle of people was a guy flipping and dipping like an acrobat.
“Back at it again at Krispy Kreme.”
Gus glared at him and then walked away.
“Come on, Gus.” Shawn called after him.
“No, just no.” Gus said without turned back.
🍍🍍🍍
“This bitch empty. YEET.”
A Nerf football flew through the precinct and hit the window.
“Mr. Spencer!”
🍍🍍🍍
“Hit or miss, I guess they never miss, huh?” Shawn sang loudly.
“Goddamnit, Spencer. You scared the crap out of me.” Lassie said whipping around with his giant earmuffs and his glock in his hand.
“You gotta a boyfriend. I bet he doesn’t kiss ya.”
Lassie cocked the gun. Shawn quickly skipped out of sight.
🍍🍍🍍
“What the fuck, Richard?”
“Officer Mathison should not be spoken to in that tone. He has done nothing wrong.”
“I wasn’t talking about him.”
Lassie looked around for another person named Richard and found none.
🍍🍍🍍
“What are those?” Spencer yelled, pointing at the ground.
“What are what’s? Why’d you say it like that?” Lassiter looked around for anything out of the ordinary. He found nothing.
“Nevermind.” Spencer sulked off.
🍍🍍🍍
“Ms. Keisha? Ms. Keisha?” Shawn yelled at the corpse. Lassie and Jules glared at him. Gus looked like he was ready to add a new dead body to this room.
“Oh, my fucking god. She fucking dead.” Woody said in a dry tone.
“OMIGOD,” Shawn beamed.
“Road work ahead?” Woody smirked.
“Yeah, I sure hope it does.” Shawn said with wide eyes. They high fived.
“I’m glad that there is someone in the present that gets humor.”
“What the hell is going on?” Lassie said.
“He’s not woke.” Woody shrugged.
“That’s what I’ve been saying.”
“Can we please talk about the case?” Juliet piped up.
“Sure, sure. But we’re talking about this later. Shawn see me after class.”
“Yes, professor.”
“Omigod.” Gus hung his head in shame.