Chapter Text
Dear Diary,
I have to admit, I don't know how to start writing you. It is the first time that I have to write my thoughts in a diary and it is not for an assignment. Which was..... in 5th grade...
... Anyway!
That is why have no clue what to do. I guess I will figure it out as I go.
Like I said, it is my first time scribbling my thoughts into paper so I don't know how to start this at all. I guess I have to explain why I started to write one, now, in a paper of all times. Even more in paper than in a Notepad or a Word document like a normal person of the 21st century.
To be honest, this notebook is a departing gift from my mom. It was her way to show me that even though she can't be besides me physically in order to hear all my problems out, that I had somewhere to go to. To have somewhere to go to that wouldn't judge you for your deceptions or who you are or what you are. The last part she didn't say it, but I saw the thoughts shaping themselves behind her beautiful brown wriggled eyes.
Well... I guess I wanted to give it a shot.
I remember her amused face when she saw how astonished I was from her words, both said and not. I remember feeling exposed and scared in front of the only person that I loved and cared about the most when I was about to come out to her. I remember my heartbeat stopping and then accelerating to full panic mode. She must have seen my reaction and immediately came and cupped my face. She is now a half a head shorter than me, but she cupped my face like I was still and looked at me with the same loving eyes as always. I closed my eyes and waited for the harsh words or her anger or anything, but nothing came. I opened my eyes to find her still looking at me with adoration and love. I could feel my eyes started to water.
"When did you find out?" I had asked.
"I always knew Jaren. I was, am and will always be your mother. It is my job by nature to know such things." she had said in a sweet and calming voice.
"And you don't mind? Me being..." the tears were almost too much to be contained.
"Gay? Oh, my child, I love you more than anything in the world. You know that right?" She had said. "That is why for your shake you need to leave today and have this conversation. You need to go to the university, my son. So that you can have a better future. You need to learn to live, son and this small village in the middle of nowhere is not able to give the opportunities that you need."
Her eyes were now glittering with tears. It was obvious that she was physically restraining herself to not cry in front of me. The memory alone is making my heart beat harder and my lungs closing in. The guilt that is still a lot, but I know that she went through all of that in order to protect me and respect my choices. I wish I would be able to one day repay for her kindness.
"It pains me greatly to see you leave. I feel like I am kicking you out of your own home. Please, son, would you write on this diary for me? It would really make me feel better if you do." she had moved her arms to hug me tight
"It's okay mom. If you promise me that you will never think that you kicked me out of my home. You never did that, okay?" I remember hugging her back and simultaneously trying to fight back the tears in my eyes. She had only nodded in my neck as an answer.
I remember the horn was what forced us apart. Trembling she let me go and looked at me in the eyes with the same sweet loving smile of hers.
"Have fun my son and remember that I always love you. No matter what." she said as she put my last luggage in the car.
That was the last thing we said. She pushed me inside the car with a 'you will miss your flight if you don't hurry up' and waved at me. I was looking at her until she and the house became a distant dot in the sky.
I didn't cry then nor on the airplane nor when I moved into the small apartment my aunt gave rented me. I cried after everything was unpacked, my aunt was sleeping soundly in the other room and I was alone unpacking the family photos of my and my mother's.
But I am, also, crying now as I am writing this diary. I try very hard not to stain the pages with my tears or let my trembling ruin my already bad hand writing. I gave it some though on my way to the city and I decided that when I am going to give this diary back to my mom it either will be all finished or I will have finished the university. Whatever comes first.
Preferably the second.
The normal thing that anyone would say in this situation about my mom is to hope that she will be alright. But not me. I know this strong woman will be fine by herself. She managed to be after almost 20 years living in that small house and simultaneously raising me all by herself. I know she will be alright, but that doesn't mean that I will not worry about her. She is my mom after all.
Man that turned gloomy way too hard and way too fast. Wow. (Am I even allowed to write "wow" in a diary? Well, my literature teacher will not look at this. Hi, Mrs Jephson. :] )
The other big elephant in the room is the fact that university starts in a couple of days and I super excited and super scared at the same time. I have already signed in myself and received my university card along with my timetable for this semester.
Apparently I have 8 subjects in this one and that makes the calendar almost undoable to look at. Oh, well. Welcome to the adult life, I guess.
I will try to write again when I will have time.
Yours truly,
Jaren.
P.S. Why doing the laundry is so damn difficult? Why are there so many different ways to wash clothes? Where the fuck is the instruction manual for this shit?