Chapter Text
March 14th
"Hey Danvers," Steve sighed. It felt strange, lying down talking to the ceiling, but it had seemed the least awkward way to do this. He ran his thumb over the corner of her blanket clenched in his fist, trying to figure out what to say next. "I hope you can hear me somehow, but even if you can't I guess this is more for my benefit than yours. Dr. Wilson said it could be helpful, so I thought I'd give it a try. It's been two weeks without you now, and—I'm not going to lie—they were a pretty sucky two weeks. You're probably not proud of what I did to myself right after, but I can see my way past that phase of it now. You asked me to be my best self for the next kid who comes in here, and I certainly tried my best today.
"His name is Tony, and he's a heart patient too. A part of me really doesn't want to let him in out of fear he'll end up like you, but as you said, that's no reason to push people away. I know I'll regret it if I don't help him in any way I can. I certainly don't regret all the time I spent with you, even though it ultimately led to this ache that I know I'll feel for the rest of my life. Don't make fun of me for being all sentimental, but knowing you…" Steve took a deep breath, almost afraid to say the words. "Knowing you is worth the pain of losing you. I wouldn't trade our friendship for a lifetime of grief-free days, and I hope you'd feel the same way if our roles were reversed.
"There's so much more that I want to say to you, but some of it will have to wait because I'm exhausted and am about to fall asleep mid-conversation. But I'll do this again sometime, okay Danvers?" He waited for a response that he knew would never come, then closed his eyes and fell into the most peaceful sleep he'd had in weeks.
~0~
March 23rd
"I thought about you in class today. We had to present a poem meaningful to us, and every kid here brought something so powerful I wanted to simultaneously burst into tears and laughter the entire time. I talked about not wanting to die alone, and somehow I got from there to talking about bearing someone's dying wish. I said it was just about the worst thing you can do while also the best thing, and it's true. You've been gone less than a month and I'm trying, I'm really trying, to live my life the way you asked me to, but sometimes it's so hard. We were all there in that classroom, all ten of us, and looking around the room this horrible thought crossed my mind: 'How many of us will still be alive in five years time?'
"When it was just the two of us here, I never paused to consider that I'd one day have to continue without you, but now that I know just how quickly it can happen, I have this twisted belief that I have to prepare myself for that eventuality with everyone here. And that's no way to live, is it? Constantly worried that your friends are going to die, thinking about how different your life would be without them in it.
"I'm used to being the one in the room with the shortest life expectancy," he chuckled. "That's easier, coming to terms with my own premature death, but when I think about it being anyone else it's just overwhelmingly sad. Especially with Bucky's surgery coming up, I just can't stop thinking about how possible it is that I'm going to lose another friend. I wonder if it gets easier the more times it happens, or if all those separate griefs just build on each other…" he trailed off, realizing just how depressing this monologue had gotten. "I'm sorry Danvers. You shouldn't have to listen to me wax poetic about my fears living among sick kids. I just wish you had been there to share a poem too. Rogers out."
~0~
March 26th
Steve awoke on the morning of Bucky's surgery and knew there was no way he'd make it through this alone. From the day he learned this would happen, he'd planned to lean on Carol, knowing she'd know just what to say to prevent him from completely losing his cool. "Hey Danvers," he began. "Bucky's in surgery right now and I have to admit I'm missing you more than ever. Nat and I threw a party for him that you would have loved. Seeing everyone having fun like that, I could kinda forget about what was going to happen, you know? But he's in the OR right this very minute and his life is going to be forever changed. If you were here you'd remind me that Bucky can probably do more with one hand than most people could do with three. And you're right, he's going to adapt and he's already made plans for his goalkeeping career, but it's just a reminder that he's under threat from a serious disease, and—and if it comes back despite all this I could lose him." Steve's voice cracked on the last words. "And I don't think I could get through that. I've known him since I was five, and I've always known because of my CF that I'd be the one to leave him behind to continue without me. I long ago came to terms with that, but now there's a chance it'll turn out the other way around. It probably won't—I have to tell myself that or I'll go mad—but if it does, will you look after him for me until I get there?" Steve bit his lip and he knew without any physical signs that she said yes.
~0~
March 31st
Steve hadn't thought deeply about Scott in a while, but with Clint's scans coming up and Tony's concern for him, it was impossible not to remember what neuroblastoma could do to a kid. Telling Tony about his deceased young friend was both cathartic and painful all at once. He'd yet to talk much about Carol with his new neighbor, but that was a much fresher wound and Steve was much more likely to lose his cool given how much Tony reminded him of her. When it happened, he'd been so young that he didn't quite register the resounding impact of Scott's death beyond the palpable sadness on the ward. Now that he thought back on it, he recognized just how devastating the circumstances were. Mr. Lang was a single father—at least, that's what Steve assumed given he'd never seen Scott's mother or even heard the kid mention her—and he'd lost his only son. It was too horrible to contemplate. Steve wondered how he was doing now, almost five years later. Hopefully, he'd found at least some sense of peace in life. That was probably the best he could strive for after enduring the unimaginable.
~0~
April 2nd
"Today was rough," Steve announced to the ceiling, still shaken from the insanity of that day. "There was an active shooter in the hospital and we all went on lockdown in the common room. Fortunately, none of us got hurt, but Dr. Rhodes took a bullet to the back and there's a chance he might be paralyzed. I really hope that doesn't happen. I know how much you liked him. Parker took it worse than any of us, as you can probably imagine. Happy managed to get him through in one piece, and afterwards he latched himself onto Tony like a baby koala. It reminded me of that one time he did the same thing to you.
"God, Tony reminds me so much of you. He's a lot less sure of himself, but he's got a similar sense of humor and knack for making people like him. Is it a heart condition thing?" Steve asked with a chuckle. Maybe they had the same genetic mutation that also caused their similar personalities. On a whim, he questioned, "Did you send him to me, somehow? It's a strange coincidence to have met someone so much like you in so many ways a mere two weeks after losing you. I wouldn't put it past you to pull something like that. You're probably snickering because it took me this long to put the pieces together…or you're snickering because it's ridiculous that I'm even considering something so outrageous. Either way, I'm picturing your laugh right now and it's just what I needed. Thank you."
~0~
April 14th
"No tube…please," Steve begged. "I can do this." Since the first few coughing fits resulting in hemoptysis, his breathing had steadily worsened to the point where his sats started to dip dramatically even on increased oxygen flow. The doctors were concerned enough that they suggested intubating him, but Steve protested vehemently. He hated the tube more than anything else he'd ever experienced within the walls of this hospital—and that was saying something. As long as he focused at least ninety five percent of his brain power on inhaling and exhaling, he didn't feel like he was actively suffocating. And that was enough for him. Fortunately, it was enough for his team too, but they did argue their way into him consenting to CPAP.
The mask was less invasive than an endotracheal tube, but the machine just as noisy. Steve let the positive pressure help force air into his abused lungs and let a little more of his brain power think about something else. Primarily, he hoped everyone else was okay. All of his friends here were especially vulnerable to infections, and this could easily end badly for any one of them. He also didn't want Thor to feel guilty because his brother brought this upon them; it wasn't his fault, and Steve knew how much Thor missed his family and he was immensely glad he got to see them.
And of course, as they often did when he was alone and not distracted by much, his thoughts drifted to Carol. How would she have reacted to Loki's antics? Steve thought she would have been rather impressed. She also would have been worried sick about everyone, if not also sick herself, just like Steve right now. As much as he wanted her to still be here, he was glad she didn't have to suffer through this.
~0~
April 24th
"Happy birthday, Danvers," Steve sighed, the words tasting bitter in his mouth. "I—I knew today was coming, but I didn't expect it to be this hard. I had plans to give you the best birthday ever, in fact as I speak I'm looking at the notes I scribbled on a blank page of my sketchbook months ago, and it hurts more than anything to know I can't share them with you." Steve's eyes skimmed over the bulleted list, remembering how he'd lit up with glee as each new idea promised to bring more fun to his friend's special day. Now, the words blurred as more tears clouded his vision. After sending Tony away, he'd cried into Bucky's shoulder for another ten minutes before he calmed down enough for them to talk about it together. They spent half an hour reminiscing before Steve sent Bucky away with a promise to check back in later, after this conversation.
"To make matters worse, our new friends here are undergoing risky separation surgery today and because I'm already thinking about you not being here, I keep thinking about what life will be like for them if one of them doesn't make it. They're twins, and I can't imagine the agony of losing a twin. I only knew you less than a year, and even that pain is more than I can handle some days. To lose someone you've known your whole life has to be worse."
And with that statement, Steve's thoughts drifted to the rest of the Danvers family. Carol's mom, dad, and brother woke up today, on what should have been a happy occasion, and there was nobody there to give an extra hug to or to make a special breakfast for. He wished he'd gotten her brother Steve's contact information at the funeral, so he could at least call to offer condolences on what must've been an infinitely difficult day.
"What did you like to do to celebrate your birthday?" he asked aloud. They'd shared in Steve's birthday festivities—Carol unknowingly so until afterward—but after she found out he'd never considered asking her about her personal and family traditions for such an occasion. That was just one more question that would forever remain unanswered.
~0~
May 10th
"Things are getting dicey, Danvers. Parker's not doing well. They have him back on the NG-tube, but he tried to fight it. Remember how excited he was when they finally took it out the first time? I've never seen the kid grin like that, and I can't imagine how devastating it is for them to put it back in after all the work he's put in to get better. It seems unethical. They have him restrained for God's sake, and I can't help but think that if you were still here he wouldn't have gotten this bad. You were always so good with him. I'm not sure if you know this, but I saw that video Bucky took of you two playing football in the hospital lobby and hijacking Dr. Lee's lunch. I know you didn't show me because you thought I'd be mad at you for breaking rules and causing chaos, but when I watched the video the only thing I could focus on was the look of pure joy and admiration in Parker's eyes. You were…so good at making people look like that," he choked out. Steve wanted nothing more than to see that look in Parker's eyes again, but when he tried to picture it in his head the only image that came to mind was Parker frantic and fearful, thrashing against restraints put there against his will.
~0~
May 12th
It was two o'clock in the morning. The ward was silent but for the footsteps and shuffling of the nurses on night shift. Steve should have fallen asleep hours ago, but his eyes refused to remain shut. Every time he closed them, he watched Tony wilt as Steve shouted at him. Steve pressed his ear to their shared wall periodically, hoping to hear something to indicate his friend was still alive. If it turned out he wasn't, Steve doubted he'd be able to live with himself. The lockdown had dragged on for days and each day heralded new misfortune for one of his friends. Tony remained completely radio silent and Steve was starting to spiral. Now more than ever he wished he could reach out to Carol for advice, but the best he could do was speak as if she could hear him and imagine what she'd say.
"Even though I could really use your help right now, I'm glad you're not here for this. You'd hate being cooped up. Who am I kidding, if you were here, things wouldn't have gotten like this in the first place. I really messed up, Danvers," he admitted, running a tired hand over his face. "God, you must be so disappointed in me. I was blinded by my hatred of watching people suffer, and in trying to eliminate suffering I just caused more of it. I swear I was trying to do the right thing, but I made Tony so upset that he won't talk to any of us and I'm terrified that something horrible is happening to him. What do I do? How can I fix this if Tony won't answer his phone and I'm not allowed to leave this room?" Steve thought about what Carol would do, and the answer was obvious. She wouldn't let arbitrary rules stand in the way of getting her friends what they needed. But Steve didn't possess Carol's propensity for mischief. If it was really the right thing to do, could he bring himself to disobey direct orders? For Tony, Steve definitely could.
~0~
May 27th
"Tony got discharged today," Steve stated. "I know I haven't talked to you in a while, but things have been crazy. After the rough patch to end all rough patches, we're all back in a good place, for the most part. I managed to reconcile with Tony, you'll be glad to hear. He's got a VAD now but is doing well enough to await transplant at home. I don't know how well you knew him since he mostly kept to himself, but Bruce got to go home too. I'm really happy for both of them, but of course it's bittersweet. Watching them get to leave only reminds me of how badly I wanted that for you too." Steve let out a long, cathartic sigh. He knew considering the 'what-ifs' wasn't a healthy way of thinking, but sometimes he couldn't help it. Every milestone he or his friends reached was one more that Carol would never get to, and no matter how much time passed that sting never faded.
"I might be getting discharged soon, but because my PFTs haven't improved, they're going to do a full transplant evaluation first to see if I can get added to the list. I'm not even sure what I want the results to say," he admitted. If they put him on the list, waiting for that call would add another layer of tension to his already hectic life. It also meant he was truly on death's door. If they decided he didn't need to be on the list, that only meant he still had further to decline before they reconsidered him. Steve did not eagerly await getting sicker, but he knew it was inevitable. CF was like the tide, eating away at the sandcastle of his life no matter how many moats he built to redirect it or how many walls he built and rebuilt to keep it at bay.
Steve didn't know what else to say, but he didn't want to end on that note. On a whim, he whispered, "I just hope you're happy, wherever you are."