Archive of Our Own ^beta

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Lancelot, Merlin, and Gwaine are sitting on a bench..

Leon: Why do you guys look so sad?

Lancelot: Sit down with us so we can tell you.

*Leon sits down*

Merlin: The bench is freshly painted.

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Lancelot: You lying, cheating, piece of shit!

Merlin: Oh yeah? You’re the idiot who thinks you can get away with everything you do. WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD

Lancelot: I’m leaving you, and I’M TAKING GWAINE WITH ME

Leon, picking up the monopoly board: I think we’re gonna stop playing now.

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Arthur: How did none of you hear what I just said?

Merlin: I’ve been zoned out for the past two and a half hours.

Gwaine: I got distracted about halfway through.

Lancelot : Ignoring you was a conscious decision

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Cop: You’re receiving a ticket for having three people on one motorcycle.

Arthur: Shit.

Merlin: Wait, three?

Cop: Yeah?

Gwaine: OH MY GOD LANCELOT FELL OFF!!!

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Arthur: You are now one day closer to eating your next plate of nachos.
Merlin: That's the most hopeful thing I've ever heard.
Gwaine: But what if I die tomorrow and never eat any nachos?
Lancelot : Then tomorrow is nacho lucky day.

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Arthur: Dammit, Merlin!
Merlin: What?! It wasn’t me!
Arthur: Sorry, force of habit. Dammit, Gwaine!
Gwaine: Not me either.
Arthur: Oh...Then who set the house on fire?
Lancelot : *whistles*

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Arthur: Isn’t it weird that we pay money to see other people?
Merlin: Plane tickets?
Gwaine: Concert tickets?
Lancelot : Prostitution?
Arthur, holding their broken frames: Glasses.

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Merlin: Are you sure this is the right direction?
Gwaine: Certainly, I'm as sure as I am honest!
Elyan: In that case, we're definitely lost.

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Leon: We need a distraction.
Elyan: Is anyone here good at jumping up and down and making weird noises?
Gwaine, whispering: My time has come...

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*The Knights are having dinner together*
Elyan: Leon, can you pass the salt?
Leon: *Throws Merlin across the table*
Elyan: thanks?

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Elyan: Here’s a fun Christmas idea. We hang mistletoe, but instead of kissing, you have to FIGHT whoever else is under it.
Leon: Elyan no.
Lancelot : Mistlefoe!
Leon: Please stop encouraging them.

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Gwaine: You know, I'm starting to regret showing you how that blender works.
Merlin, drinking toast: Why do you say that?

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Gwaine, standing with their back turned: I’ve been expecting you, Merlin.
Merlin: How did you do that without turning around?
Gwaine: ... To be perfectly honest, the first couple of people I did that to were not you.

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Morgana: Why are you on the floor?
Arthur: I'm depressed.
Arthur: Also I was stabbed, can you get Merlin, please.

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Morgana: In my defense, I was left unsupervised.
Arthur: Wasn't Merlin with you?
Merlin: In my defense, I was also left unsupervised.

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Giaus: Welcome, fellow idiots
Uther: Hello, Giaus
Giaus: No, no, not you, you're not an idiot
Uther: You underestimate me

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Giaus: I’m gonna need a human skull and I can't have you ask any questions why.
Merlin: Only if you also don't ask why.
Merlin: *Pulls out 7 pristine human skulls* Take your pick.
Giaus:
Merlin:
Giaus: This one is fine

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Morgana: There will come a moment when you will have a chance to do the right thing
Uther: I like them times, to stand, wave and watch them pass by.

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Giaus: I actually have a black belt.
Uther: In what, karate?
Giaus: No, from Gucci.

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Lancelot: Isn’t it a bit dangerous?
Merlin: Lancelot, please. We’ve in a lot of unexpected predicaments before and we always escape unhurt.
Lancelot: ...
Merlin: Okay, we sometimes escape unhurt.
Lancelot: ...
Merlin: Alright, we escaped unhurt once... Then we hurt ourselves on the way home.

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Merlin: I am going to need you to swear-
Gwaine: Fuck.
Merlin:
Merlin: ...swear as in promise!

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Merlin: Leon, I screwed up, big time.
Leon: Merlin, given your daily life experiences, you’re gonna have to be more specific.

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Arthur: For self defense reasons, I'm going to pretend to be a burglar and you guys have to act wisely.

Giaus, Leon, & Merlin: Okay.

Arthur: If you don't want to die, give me all your money.

Giaus: Bold of you to assume I have money.

Leon: Bold of you to assume I don't want to die.

Merlin: Bold of you to assume I can die.

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Giaus: Why are your tongues purple?

Arthur: We had slushies. I had a blue one.

Leon: I had a red one.

Giaus: oh.

Giaus:

Giaus: OH.

Merlin:

Giaus: You drank eachothers slushies?

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Arthur: Everytime I hear someone talking about updog, I’m torn between not wanting to fall for it and wanting to help them complete their joke.
Lancelot: Okay, but what is updog?
Merlin: Updog is a long sausage in a bun, often served with ketchup, mustard, onions, and/or relish.
Elyan: Not, that’s a hot dog. An updog is when a new version or patch of an application is released.
Gwaine: No, that's an update. You’re thinking of the fourth largest city in Sweden.
Leon: Surely, that’s Uppsala, where’s updog is the giant spider in Harry Potter.
Arthur: That’s Aragog. Updog is a symbol conventionally used for an arbitrarily small number in analysis proofs.
Elyan: You’re thinking of epsilon. Updog is an upward-moving air current.
Merlin: No, that’s an updraft. An updog is the modern version of a henway.
Lancelot: What’s a henway??
Arthur: Oh, about five pounds.

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Gwaine: *pitches an idea*

Merlin, impressed: Huh, there might be something here!

Leon, under their breath: Yeah, a lawsuit.

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Merlin: Nice rock.

Gwaine: Thanks, Leon gave it to me.

Leon: I threw it at you!

Gwaine: Aren't they the sweetest?

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Arthur: WHY. why did you give Merlin a KNIFE?!
Lancelot: I’m sorry. Merlin said he felt unsafe.
Arthur: Now I feel unsafe!
Lancelot: I’m sorry.
Lancelot: ... would you like a knife?

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Arthur: What's a word that's a mix between 'sad' and 'mad'?
Lancelot: Disgruntled, miserable, desolated-
Merlin: Smad.

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Lancelot: Why is Leon so sad?
Merlin: They took one of those “Which Character Are You?” quizzes
Lancelot: And...?
Leon: They got Gwaine.

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Arthur: Whaddya call a fish with no eye?

Merlin, not looking up: Myxine Circifrons

Arthur:

Arthur: fsh

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Merlin, with a shovel digging a small shoulder width hole.

Lancelot: merlin what are you doing?

Merlin, looks innocently from the dead body to Lancelot: No one suspects a vertical hole always the horizontal

Lancelot: Merlin days like these you worry me.

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Lancelot: I’m kind of crushing on someone, but I’m worried about telling you who it is, because you’re not going to like it

Merlin: Just rip the bandage off.

Lancelot: It’s Uther

Merlin: Put the bandage back on.