Chapter Text
She wanted to choose him?
Nothing feels real anymore. Ben swears he can’t feel anything else but the beating of his heart, and the longing in his chest, and the ache of regret.
She wanted to choose him.
And he—he hadn’t even noticed. Couldn’t even see it.
He thinks back on everything. Everything since the party. Aneesa. The relay. How odd Devi had been acting. He’d brushed it off at the time. Chalked it up to Devi being Devi. But it’s all become so painfully obvious now.
She was jealous. She wanted him.
And he—he—why didn’t he see it then? Why did he get with Aneesa so quickly? Why didn’t he give himself some time?
He can’t regret it fully. Not really. Because Aneesa has been so good to him. When he was at his lowest, she made him believe that he matters. She paid attention to him, put him first. Finally—finally someone put him first. Someone wanted him, only him. And it had felt good. So good that it made him forget about his broken heart for a little while. It made him forget about his—his feelings for Devi.
But now…now that he knows she wanted to choose him. That it had—had meant something to her. Maybe like how it meant everything to him. He doesn’t know what to do.
Part of him wants to fight for her. To go to her and talk to her like they should have a long time ago. To tell her how he feels, to see if she still feels the same. Because he swore—swore she felt it too, not long ago, when he looked in her eyes. They could figure it out. They could finally be together. It doesn’t have to be too late.
But then he looks at her. Her slight smile, eyes gleaming as she looks up at Paxton. And he knows—knows that he’s only kidding himself. Because even if she did want to choose Ben first, she’s with Paxton now.
And she looks so happy.
Suddenly that’s the only thing that matters. All he wants is for her to be happy.
It doesn’t matter how he feels. It doesn’t matter how much he wishes he’d done everything different. It doesn’t matter that every bone in his body is aching to be with her.
He has to let her go. She’s happy.
And he needs to break up with Aneesa. It’s not right. He cares about her, and as much as he doesn’t want to let her go, he needs to. She deserves that much. Because he still—he still loves Devi. And it’s not fair for Aneesa to halfway have him. Even now that Devi’s with Paxton, even though he’s—he’s letting her go. It still. It still isn’t right. He can’t be selfish. He needs time alone. To process his feelings. To get over Devi. To let her be happy. Let Aneesa find happiness too, hopefully.
God, it’s all become such a mess.
He’d been feeling it for a while now. Not long enough to question it fully, to do anything about it. Not really. But the doubt was there. In his relationship with Aneesa. And his feelings were there. For Devi. He doesn’t think they ever really went away, he just—didn’t see them for a while. Blocked them out so that he could block away the pain. Focus on the anger or focus on Aneesa. But when he focused on Devi, it all became so clear. There wasn’t anything else. There wasn’t anyone else. Only Devi.
He wanted to talk to her about everything, just a little while ago. When he saw her…and she looked—so—so beautiful. And it all came rushing back full force. He couldn’t help himself, couldn’t stop looking at her, couldn’t stop the feelings from overwhelming his better judgement. He didn’t even remember anyone else existed until Aneesa interrupted them.
It shocked him out of it. But the feelings lingered. He didn’t want to leave Devi, he didn’t want to dance with Aneesa. But he did anyways. He ignored the aching in his heart and went through the motions. Shoved down the guilt he felt because of it.
He needs to end things with her, now.
He doesn’t want to hurt her though. Maybe he needs to give himself some time. To compose himself, so he can do it gently and unselfishly.
What could he even say? That he still has feelings for Devi?
He doesn’t want that getting back to Devi. Doesn’t want to ruin her friendship with Aneesa or make her feel confused about Paxton. She deserves to be happy.
He doesn’t want to be dishonest with Aneesa, but he can’t—can’t tell her the real reason. Not now. It will just make things bad for everyone.
Ben lets his eyes linger on Devi for only a moment longer before he’s turning to leave. He needs to get some fresh air; he needs to stop looking at her, with him. He’s only torturing himself. With what he wants more than anything and what he knows he’ll never have.
Monday morning, Devi wakes up earlier than usual. She can’t sleep, she’s too excited.
It’s her first day back at school since the dance, since Paxton showed up for her and made her his proper girlfriend.
She takes her time getting ready, wanting to look perfect for today.
When Devi gets to school, she finds Paxton waiting for her by her locker. He gives her a soft smile as she walks over to him.
“You look nice today,” Paxton says, smiling.
“You look pretty good too,” Devi says, wrapping her arms around his neck.
Paxton pulls her in for a kiss and it feels so empowering. The fact that Paxton, here, at school, in front of everyone, is kissing her. As her boyfriend. The thought of it thrills her more than she cares to admit.
When Devi pulls back, she notices Ben at his locker. They make eye contact for a brief moment before he quickly looks away. She thinks he almost looks hurt. But it doesn’t make much sense why.
Guilt pools in her stomach and she feels as though she’s done something wrong, even though she knows she hasn’t. Devi isn’t cheating on anyone this time. And Ben—Ben is with Aneesa. Why should he care what she does now?
But, she supposes she probably could have told him herself. That she’s dating Paxton now. Given him a heads up instead of letting him find out with everyone else.
She pushes the thought away. It’s too late now anyways, so she brings her attention back to Paxton. Her boyfriend.
“So,” Devi tries to say nonchalantly, running a hand through his hair, “this is our first day at school as like…an official thing.” She cringes internally, hoping he doesn’t notice how nerdy that sounded.
“Yeah,” Paxton says, wrapping his arms around her waist, “How do you feel?”
“Amazing,” Devi laughs, “How about you?”
“I feel great. This whole thing is just, different for me, I guess. I mean, I’ve never really been in, like, a real relationship before,” Paxton explains.
Devi tries not to feel disappointed by his response, but it feels a little underwhelming. A touch impersonal. But she brushes it off, focusing on the feeling of his arms around her.
“Well, get used to it,” She smirks, “I’m not going anywhere.”
Paxton laughs, “You’re such a dork,” and then he leans down and kisses her again.
At lunch, Devi is making her way over to Paxton when Eleanor runs over to her dramatically.
“Oh my god, Devi,” Eleanor whispers and looks around, “You’ll never guess what happened!”
Because Eleanor is, well, a touch dramatic, Devi figures it’s nothing important, but wants to know anyways.
“What?” Devi asks, glancing over at Paxton’s table quickly before looking back at Eleanor.
“It’s Ben,” Eleanor whispers.
Devi’s heart drops at his name.
“and Aneesa,” she continues, “They broke up.”
It feels like the world has shifted just a little bit. Like everything is tilted and she’s no longer steady on her feet.
“What?” Devi asks, “Why? Why did they break up? I don’t—”
“I don’t know,” Eleanor says, looking around, “But it was definitely Ben that broke up with her. Aneesa is so upset, poor thing.”
What the fuck? Ben broke up with Aneesa? But—but why?
And suddenly a million rampant thoughts take over. Worst case scenarios running through her mind faster than she can process them.
“Why would he do that?” Devi asks, voice concerned, “Do you think maybe something happened with his family and he is like—isolating himself or something? Maybe I should go talk to him—”
“Devi, Ben’s fine,” Eleanor says, “It’s Aneesa I’m worried about. I mean, after everything she’s gone through this year and now this.”
Guilt fills her for the second time today. Another person she’s wronged.
“Yeah, yeah you’re right,” Devi says, “We should go talk to her. Do you know where she is?”
“I think she’s in the Orchestra room. Let’s go,” Eleanor says, already taking off.
Devi glances over at Paxton, a bit disappointed that she won’t get to experience their first lunch together as couple, but brushes it off, telling herself there will be a million more. She gives Paxton an apologetic wave and leaves with Eleanor.
“I’m so sorry, Aneesa,” Devi says, trying her best to keep her voice steady.
This is hard for her. To console her friend who just broke up with Devi’s ex. It is a strange situation, and some sick part of Devi is enjoying this, just a little bit. Because even still, she feels a possessiveness towards Ben. And Aneesa—Aneesa knew what was between her and Ben—and she still went for him.
Devi pushes away those terrible thoughts, guilt eating away at her yet again.
“I just—” Aneesa says, wiping under her eyes, “I just feel like he’s lying to me. Like he won’t tell me the real reason.”
Fabiola asks, “Well, what reason did he give?”
Aneesa sighs, “Some bullshit, 'I think we’d be better as friends, I need to focus on myself right now' type thing. Not saying those aren’t valid reasons, but it just felt like he was hiding something.”
Aneesa glances at Devi and for a second, she thinks Aneesa looks almost angry with her or something. But her expression changes too quickly for Devi to really take it in.
Eleanor says, “Well, fuck Ben. You can do so much better anyways.”
For some reason, this comment makes Devi feel furious. Because Ben is such an amazing person, and for Eleanor to just—act like he’s nothing. It drives her crazy. And it takes her back to how Eleanor and Fab had talked to Devi about him. Not too long ago—when she—when she was deciding and—and look where that got her. Listening to them.
For a brief moment Devi thinks about what would have happened if she didn’t listen to her friends. If she’d gone with her heart. Would she and Ben be together right now? Would they be happy?
And for the millionth time today, guilt floods Devi once again. It doesn’t matter what would have happened. There’s no need for her to play these what if games. She’s with Paxton now. Paxton. She needs to stop thinking about the past, stop thinking about Ben.
But as she’s here, trying to console Aneesa, a part of her wishes she was consoling Ben instead. Not that she isn’t worried about Aneesa too, but Ben…she’s known him forever. And she cares about him, a lot. And, god, she’s worried about him. Why would he do this?
Something must have happened. Something bad. Bad enough to make him do something like this.
Maybe it was something with his parents? Her heart twists at the thought. She doesn’t understand how they treat him like they do. They should feel lucky to have a kid like Ben.
And now he’s isolating himself. Pushing everyone away. Come to think of it, he really didn’t talk much in class today. Normally he’s raising his hand, or correcting her, or just making his smart-ass comments. But not today.
Before she can give it more thought, she knows what she has to do.
So that’s why, after comforting Aneesa, she’s hurrying to the library. Sure enough, he’s sitting there, doing some homework. He looks normal enough, focused. That’s a good sign, right? That he’s doing his schoolwork like normal?
She walks over to him slowly, and then takes a seat next to him, but he doesn’t notice her. She taps a finger on his shoulder lightly, and he turns to face her.
“Oh. Devi,” Ben says, a bit confused, “What are you doing here?”
“Um. I’m just kind of worried about you,” Devi says, carefully, “I heard that—that you and Aneesa broke up and stuff and—”
“Devi, don’t worry. I’m fine, really.” He says, and she can tell he’s trying to sound confident, sure. But she can see past it. He’s not okay at all. And now she can see what Aneesa was talking about. He definitely is hiding something.
“Ben.” she says, giving him a knowing look.
“No, I’m serious. Really. I’m good,” Ben shrugs, “It’s just one of those things, you know?”
“No, I don’t know,” Devi says.
Ben says nothing, just turns back to his schoolwork.
“Ben, did—did something happen? Maybe at home or something?” Devi asks, nervously.
He flinches.
“Devi, I told you. I’m fine. Nothing bad happened at home,” he says, stiffly, “And breaking up with Aneesa is honestly none of your business. It’s between me and her.”
“Wow. Okay,” Devi huffs, “Sorry for being worried about you.”
This is ridiculous. She feels so stupid. She shouldn’t have wasted the rest of lunch going to Ben. She should have gone back to Paxton. What a waste.
She stands up abruptly, walking off, but she doesn’t get more than a couple steps away before Ben calls out.
“Wait!”
Devi turns around, arms crossed.
“Look, I—I really appreciate you checking on me. It actually—it actually means a lot, that you—that you care,” He swallows roughly, “I just don’t really want to talk about it right now, okay?”
Her shoulder untense and she feels a little bit better with him having said that.
“Okay,” Devi says, “Just know I’m here.”
He gives her a small smile, “Thanks, David.”
She smiles back and then leaves the library, hands shaking.
Devi never makes it to lunch, and Paxton can’t help but feel a little relieved. Not because he doesn’t want to spend time with her, but because his friends are judgmental as hell.
“I mean, crazy Devi bro? I can’t believe it.” Trent says.
“It’s not a big deal,” Paxton grumbles, avoiding eye contact. This is so embarrassing.
“I don’t get it bro,” Marcus chimes in, “She cheated on you. I don’t know how you could just let that go.”
“Things are different now. She wouldn’t do that again. And we weren’t even official the first time, she basically just cheated on Ben,” Paxton says, rolling his eyes.
“I mean, if this was Zoe, I’d get it. But crazy Devi?” Marcus laughs, “I just thought you could do better, bro.”
“Whatever, I don’t even know how long we’ll stay together.” Paxton says, putting in his headphones and leaving the table.
He feels a little guilty, having said that. But he just wanted to shut them up and leave. Paxton knew he would get shit from his friends once he started dating Devi. He only hopes that they’ll lay off the longer they’re together.
Paxton doesn’t know what he would have done if they had pulled that shit in front of Devi. They aren’t that stupid, are they? To talk about her like that right to her face?
He really doesn’t want to deal with that, stuck between defending Devi and staying cool with his friends. Paxton hopes they’ll just keep their mouths shut so he doesn’t have to choose.
He likes Devi. He really does. She’s smart, cute, and he likes being around her. She makes him feel like he can do anything, and no one has ever made him feel that way before.
Getting into a relationship, though. It’s not something he saw himself doing for a while. Even before, when she was two-timing him with Ben, they never had that conversation. They never defined their relationship. He was still blindsided by the reveal, because he had kind of assumed Devi was only seeing him. And it did hurt, bruised his ego. Because usually when girls were interested in him, they were only interested in him. So how come Devi found him deficient somehow? What was Ben giving her that he couldn’t?
It doesn’t really matter now. Devi chose him. And he needs to make this whole relationship thing work. Although he likes the single life, likes not having to answer to anybody and having the freedom to do whatever he wants, if this is what it takes to be with Devi, he’ll do it.
Had Devi not given him an ultimatum, he would have preferred keeping things label free for a while. But he doesn’t want to lose her. She is different than the other girls he’s been interested in before. Fiery, passionate. Smart. He hadn’t expected to like her so much, but he does. There’s just something special about her.
So, he’ll take the shit he gets from his friends, push himself out of his comfort zone, and see where this goes.
He told her the very next day. After the dance, after she saw him—saw him looking at Devi like he—like he never looked at her.
A part of her thinks it would have hurt just a little bit less if he admitted it. The real reason he decided to break up with her.
Because of Devi. Because he has feelings for her. Stronger feelings than he has for Aneesa.
Instead, he skirted around it. Provided weak excuses, but he said them so carefully, so logically. It was almost as if he had planned it out, rehearsed it a million times in his head. And the thought of him practicing breaking up with her in his mind, while they were together, kills her.
How long had he been wanting to do it? How long had he been faking it? Was any of it real?
It hurts. It hurts so much, because no matter what she does, she’s never good enough.
It’s just so hard, and frustrating, because, Devi cheated on Ben, tossed him aside like he meant nothing. And Aneesa has been nothing short of adoring, lifting him up, forcing him to see how important he is. Just genuinely being the best girlfriend she can.
And he still chose Devi. He still prefers her over Aneesa.
The logical part of her knows that it makes sense, that they have history, and she should have seen this coming from the start.
But instead, like an idiot, she ignored her doubts. Justified everything because she wanted it so bad. Wanted him so bad.
Right from the moment she saw him, she wanted him. And she hasn’t stopped since.
The thought that haunts her the most though, is that she knew.
She knew there was something between Ben and Devi. Knew how badly she hurt him, how strong a hold she has on him. Aneesa knew, and she ignored it. Ignored the little voice in her head whispering that he wishes she was Devi, that he’s only with her because Devi didn’t want him.
And there were moments, sweet, beautiful moments that she’ll replay in her mind forever, where it seemed like maybe that wasn’t so. Like maybe Ben really did value her the most. But they were just illusions, flickers of light amidst nothing but darkness. Because she’s always known, and it’s always been Devi for him, and she isn’t Devi, can never be Devi. And Ben will never want her like he wants Devi. Never—never love her like she thinks he loves Devi.
All there’s left to do is pick herself up. Forget about Ben. But it’s so hard, when she sees him every day, when she sees Devi every day. And Aneesa knows—knows that this isn’t Devi’s fault. But some sick part of her can’t help feeling a little angry with her, a little jealous. Because she has Ben at her fingertips even after everything she did to him.
What must it feel like to have someone care about you that much? Aneesa wants to know the feeling. It just won’t be from Ben. And maybe that’s okay.
Devi walks out of school with Paxton, his arm slung around her shoulder. She can’t help but feel a little disappointed by the day. Most of it she had spent feeling guilty. Even now, the guilt still lingers within her.
But it’s okay, there’s always tomorrow. She’s Paxton’s girlfriend now. Like, his legitimate girlfriend. She never would have thought she could be with someone like him, and now look at where she is.
Devi smiles to herself as Paxton asks, “Hey, did you want a ride home?”
And it suddenly occurs to Devi that the day doesn’t have to be over just because school is.
“Actually…I was thinking maybe we could hang out some more, at your place,” Devi suggests, a touch nervously, “if you’d want to?”
Paxton smiles at her, squeezing her shoulder.
“Definitely, let’s go.”
And so they do.
Not thirty minutes later, Devi finds herself in Paxton’s garage, lying down on his couch with him on top of her. They are making out pretty heavily, and honestly, it’s the most intense make out they’ve ever had so far.
And Devi knows it must be because they’re officially together, that they spent the day at school together as boyfriend and girlfriend.
She smiles against his mouth, and he pulls away, smiling down at her. He runs his hand down her hair and she looks into his eyes. Devi thinks it’s the most intimate moment they’ve ever shared.
And then he sits up and she follows him, sitting up as well.
“Wow,” she says, breathless.
“Yeah,” he says, “Wow.”
Devi can’t help but giggle at his words. That she has such an effect on him.
Then she checks her phone and sees that it’s almost 4:30.
“Shit, I need to get home,” Devi says, standing up abruptly, grabbing her backpack.
“Let me drive you,” Paxton says, standing up as well.
“No, it’s cool, you’re already home.”
“Devi, I’m your boyfriend. Let me take you home.”
Devi bursts with happiness at his words. He called himself her boyfriend. He’s insisting on taking her home. And after what they just did…it just all feels so perfect.
“Okay,” she smiles softly, “Thanks.”