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He didn't mean for it to happen. Khonshu started flapping his beak and Jake got distracted, he didn't notice that seedy type following him home. The ensuing scuffle got a little messy, and now he's got a hell of a lot of explaining to do if he doesn't get this figured out.
Blood on his good shoes, a dead man pinned to the wall, and worst of all, the shattered remains of the fish tank littering the floor. He splashes through puddles filled with pebbles and glass, carefully scooping up the limp form of Gus 2.0 (god forbid either of the others find out he's actually the fourth to have this title). Poor little shmo has glass in his side, he never would have made it. Jake briefly glances around to find Finny, but that suspicious orange and red shimmer on the bottom of the intruder's foot tells him all he needs to know. It's gonna be a hell of a night.
He gently sets Gus 2.0 back in his puddle, promising him a nice burial once he gets back. He'll deal with the mess later, right now he only has an hour before the aquatic shop closes up. Yanking his bloody car keys out of the dead man's skull, he ducks out of the apartment, determined to fix this.
***
The shop lady must surely be tired of him by now. She's already glaring at Jake, and he hasn't even come in to buy the stupid goldfish yet. Based on context clues, he's figured Steven and Marc (the twins as he's lovingly and ruefully dubbed them) have both made their appearances at this store, and if he doesn't want to get kicked out with his only other option being the pet shop 2 hours away, he'll have to play this smart.
"What are you doing?
Jake huffs in annoyance, quickly pulling out and putting his phone to his ear so he looks at least slightly less insane as he skulks outside the shop.
"Paloma Basura." He grunts. "Bad timing."
Khonshu drops down at his side, dead eyes peering judgmentally at the fish, then at Jake.
"You as well? I begin to think I've misjudged the worm's intellect if his damn fish keep you both on a tighter leash than I do."
"Watch yourself." Jake snarled. "If they find out the fish are gone, they're finally gonna get nosy enough to butt their heads into places they don't belong. They'll find me, and they'll get rid of you."
A relatively simple answer honestly, the only one he ever had to use with Khonshu. The more truthful answer, that he was dedicated to protecting the twins and would never hurt them? Well, Khonshu didn't need fuel to manipulate them more.
"Just mind your own business, basura." He said with a dangerous air. "Let me handle this."
He stuffed his phone back in his pocket, ignoring Khonshu's pitying scoff as he entered the shop.
He had some magic to work.
Hunching the slightest bit and mussing his hair, he approached the lady with a shy smile.
"Cheers." He mimicked, perfectly imitating Steven. "Can I get two goldfish?"
The woman raised her eyebrow.
"That's the second time this month."
Jake smiled sweetly, ducking his head.
"For my mum. Her birthday's coming up."
It was a gross lie to grit out between his clenched teeth, but to his great relief she grabbed a net and he followed her to the tanks.
"Need 'em with no fins this time?" She scoffed.
Jake gritted his teeth, wishing he'd have chosen Marc to copy. Marc wouldn't have stood for that snide comment. And under normal circumstances, neither would Jake, but Steven would, and right now he needed Steven.
In fact he might have been needing him a bit too much, as he suddenly felt the mild haze of a switch taking over. Immediately he stamped that down, squeezing his eyes shut and shaking his head furiously. Now was absolutely not the time for a change in management. When he opened them again, the brain fog was gone, but the shop lady was staring at him oddly.
"Headaches." He chuckled in that silly little accent. "Get them a lot."
Again she raised an eyebrow, holding out two bags with the goldfish in them.
He reached out, arm halting on its own as he felt one of the twins try to force a switch again. Cringing a bit, he snatched the bags and slapped a crisp $100 into the lady's hand before hustling out the door.
He has the upper hand for now, but switches can be unpredictable.
Hopping into the car, he races home, noting Khonshu sitting in the back seat, shaking his head. Jake can ignore that for now, but he's absolutely gonna pummel that bird the first chance he gets.
When he returns to the apartment, a fierce haze in his brain trying to push him out of the spotlight, he immediately hides the fish then goes and hops into bed, turning on his side so the tank and the mess in the foyer is entirely out of sight. Relinquishing mild control, the fog clears again as he becomes co-conscious with Steven.
He can only pray he doesn't notice anything.
"Marc?" Steven mumbles tiredly. "What happened? The body's all hyper."
Jake racks his brain for a second before answering in Marc's voice.
"Took a walk, some douche tried to mug me. Don't worry about it though, we're fine. Just an adrenaline rush."
It's quiet for a moment, and Jake starts to worry, but he can ultimately feel Steven relinquishing control again.
"I'm going back to bed then." He murmurs. "Be careful please."
Jake nods, a wave of relief sweeping over him. After a couple minutes, he can't sense if Steven is awake anymore.
Slowly he sits up, sighing. It's so late at night already, he could honestly just go for a beer and a very, very long nap. Taking care of these two really is a full time job, Moon Knight duties be damned.
Sliding reluctantly out of bed, he sloshes through the gravel and puddles to the kitchen. Beneath the sink, there's a bucket he can use to get rid of all the mess, and behind that is a panel to a hidden compartment where he stores supplies for incidents like this one. More gravel, a spare tank, etc.
He grabs the bucket and a mop, slowly grueling through the process of cleaning gallons of water off the floor. It's an infuriating back and forth between mopping up water and sweeping up glass, trying not to get glass in the mop or water in the broom.
"If you gave your duties as my ward even half the attention you're giving this sorry excuse of a situation, maybe we wouldn't have to worry about thieves and villains following you home."
Jake slowly turned to the deity seated on his kitchen counter, lips pursed in barely checked rage.
"We're here because you can't keep your mouth shut, so don't start yapping again now." He flicked water at Khonshu as he aggressively wrung out the mop. "If you wanna keep your avatar, I suggest you clamp a lid on it and get that dead guy out of- ay puñeta!"
He dropped the mop and recoiled, blood dripping from the cut on his palm.
"This is why we keep glass out of the mop." Khonshu goaded, disappearing with the body on the wall before Jake's string of curses could reach him.
Well this was just shaping up to be an amazing night, yet another mess he'd have to answer for. And unlike a tank with an unextraordinary pair of fish, he couldn't exactly replace his hand at the first sign of a problem.
Huffing with annoyance, he glanced around at all that remained to be done. He still had to replace the shattered husk of the tank, clean that blood off the wall, get the fish set up, and now perform some serious first aid for this cut. It wasn't 'see a doctor' big, but it was noticeable. Steven might chalk it up to Marc's supposed mugging, but Marc would have some questions.
"You know what?" He hissed to himself. "Not important."
Grabbing a roll of masking tape out of a drawer, he haphazardly patched over the cut and got down to business.
Giving up on separating the water, glass, and pebbles, he swept it all up into the bucket, using the dustpan as a sort of lid to pour the water out into the bathtub without letting the other contents escape. Mixing Pine Sol and Fabuloso (a little tip drilled into his brain by family) he made quick work of the blood stains, quickly wiping over the counters and floor as well just to draw less suspicion to the cleanup.
Disassembling the tank was somehow the easiest task on the list, removing and reinstalling the filter in the new tank was something he did with practiced ease. After getting it back up into its designated spot, he ran a short length of hose from the kitchen sink to the tank, ever grateful the twins kept it on hand for the occasional water change. He added a few capfuls of conditioner to it and sat back as the tank filled. He had ample time to spare, there wasn't really any way to rush this process, so instead he turned to his appearance.
A little rubbing alcohol and some superglue would close that wound up nicely, but he also decided on a quick shower and a change of clothes. He reeked of blood, sweat and fish, something the twins would surely notice and dislike. A quick rinse did wonders for all of that, and by the time he was done, the tank was half full. He took the goldfish out of their hiding spot, and placed their bags in the water, letting them get used to the change in temperature. Meanwhile he set about filling the tank with new gravel, cleaning and putting back the decorations, and stepping outside for several cigarettes (he regretted not doing this before the shower) and an impromptu funeral for the predecessors of Gus and Finny...6.0? 7.0? He tended to lose track. He took the bucket with him and dumped all remaining evidence of the little mishap into the garbage.
At long last, all preparations and adjustments were done.
Turning off the water and stashing the hose away, Jake sighed gratefully, releasing the new Gus and Finny into the water and watching them swim back and forth, exploring their new tank. His heart had finally stopped racing a mile a minute, calmed by the wonky little fish with their buggy eyes. He could see why the twins liked goldfish so much. But he could also see something else, just out of the corner of his eye.
At first he chalked it up to weird reflections of the light when his image in the glass seemed to double. But when it tripled, his attention was bought, and his heart rate spiked again. Giving a resigned sigh, he took a tentative step back, utterly dismayed to see the doubles didn't disappear. In fact, they started to take on life of their own, one seemed to mildly frown, the other offering an icy glare. And now that he thought about it, Jake couldn't remember checking that either of the twins were actually asleep since checking in over an hour ago.
"Hey there." Steven greeted.
Marc leaned forward, tapping on the glass.
"I think it's time we had a nice chat."