Chapter Text
There’s a feeling I get when I look at myself in the mirror.
I don’t know exactly what to name it, this feeling. But it’s bad and it’s ugly and it makes me sick to my stomach if I stand in front of a mirror too long.
It’s Tuesday and I have to drive Bennett to physio at 6. I’m already late coming home from work, some asshole would not take no for an answer when I said he couldn’t trade in FIFA 15. We have so many copies of FIFA 15. I feel like we might actually just pay people to take them home.
Bennett’s sitting on the couch watching a nature documentary, waiting patiently for me to change out of my work uniform.
I stop to talk to him as I make my way to my bedroom. “Which one is this again?” I ask.
“It’s Blue Planet, with Sir David Attenborough.” He mutters, eyes glued to the small second hand tv sitting on a pile of old textbooks.
He’s all ready in his swim trunks and a blue t-shirt, cuddled underneath his weighted blanket. It’s old, and it smells weird, but he won’t let me toss it. He likes the smell, he says. Reminds him of the old house.
“I don’t really like the ocean. Creeps me out” I shrug and begin to lift my shirt above my head. “I’d rather explore space.” I dip out into the hallway.
He has an aqua fit class today, so I need to remember to bring a towel for him. The class is easier on his body, and he enjoys being in the water. He works with a physiotherapist named Beverly who is very good to him, but doesn’t like me much. She looks good in a bathing suit, though.
I go to my room to get changed. Data hasn’t done the laundry in a while so I have to dig to the bottom of my dresser for a pair of clean jeans. I put my feet in and quickly pull them up, but they get stuck on my thighs.
I jump up and down for a bit, which to my horror, shakes the whole apartment. I attempt another tactic and lay on my bed to pull them up.
“Are you okay?” B asks. He’s somehow teleported into the doorway of my room, like a cat.
I shoot him a look. “Yes! Give me like five minutes.” I shout in annoyance.
“Do you need to borrow my pants?”
“No!” I shuffle over and close the door on his face for my privacy.
I hear him slip away.
I finally wrestle the faded denim on my hips. Out of breath, I try the button. Unfortunately the two ends just won’t go together, like they’re the same ends of a magnet. Fuck, I just bought these like three months ago.
I suck my gut in and finally get the button in the loop, and manage to zip up the fly.
I stand in front of the mirror and… I look ridiculous. My thighs are literally busting out of all the intentional rips these pants have. I have the most intense muffin top and no shirt I own is going to cover that up.
I sit down to wallow in self hatred and the button pops. My stomach pushes the zipper back down. I claw at my face in agony.
…We need to stop going to Dunkin.
There’s a hesitant knock at the door. I kick my pants off and open it a crack. B is standing there holding out a pair of black denim jeans.
“I told you to fuck off!” I yell. My face is hot with embarrassment.
“These are a 38. You like black.” He says simply.
I don’t want to wear B’s old pants because that’s weird. But I don’t have much of a choice.
I sigh and hold out my hand “Sorry for yelling…”
I know I’m supposed to look after him, but he’s still my big brother. He does a pretty good job looking after me.
I take out my pocket knife from my dresser and make some of the existing holes bigger (to his horror). I put on a few chains, a leather belt, ruffle my hair, and add a low cut v-neck tank. It makes me feel more like myself than the used game store uniform ever will, and I can hopefully ignore my growing waistband for the rest of the day and never, ever think about it again. That way I won’t be upset and I won’t cry or scream.
Ignorance is bliss.
I grab my jacket from ‘the chair’, home of clothes that were worn once but aren’t quite dirty. “Let’s go.” I say, grabbing my keys out of my work pants and dashing towards the car.
—-
I didn’t know how badly one word could trigger me.
Bennett didn’t go to the same classes as all the other kids, mostly because he didn’t talk for a long time. And even then, with his seizures and the subsequent hospitalizations, the testing and the medication, he wasn’t there often. Most people just assumed I only had one brother.
I didn’t like school at all. Especially elementary school. I started puberty before the other kids and it put a lot of distance between me and any friends I could have made. I would get angry a lot at little things. Frustrated by mathematics and sciences I didn’t understand, annoyed by the sounds of pens clicking, so naturally kids would sometimes provoke me just for shits.
“Retarded”
“What?!” I asked, breathless. Like I just got punched in the gut.
“Is. It. True. That. Your. Brother. Is. Retarded.” This kid, Bradley, with the ugliest pig snout nose comes up to me and asks, speaking his words slowly like I’m a baby. “Or do you have it, too?”
“Don’t talk shit about my brother, asshole” I stood from my seat, shaking. All I was doing was listening to my music on my CD player and struggling with my classwork. I wasn’t doing anything to anybody.
“I’m telling Mrs. Nestor you swore at me” he whined.
And then he dropped to the floor.
“Oh no! Everyone, I'm having a seizure! Somebody help!” He flopped around like a fish out of water and the other kids started laughing.
He was in the perfect position for me to stand over him, dig my knee into his stomach, and punch his stupid fucking whoville-ass nose into the floor.
—-
I watch from the bleachers by myself as Bennett and his aqua fit class follow along with Mrs. Crusher’s instruction.
He isn’t great at moving. A little clumsy, but he has a big smile on his face. There are only four other people in the class today. He’s the only one wearing a shirt in the pool. I don’t know when or why he started doing that and I get a little concerned. Is he becoming self conscious? Did he hurt himself?
Fuck. Did he have another seizure and didn’t want to tell anyone?
I start to panic, my mind keeps snowballing into thinking up worse and worse scenarios of my brother getting hurt.
I have to get up and briskly walk towards the exit. I know, rationally, that this is just an overreaction to a t-shirt and I should just go have my smoke break and maybe a long walk. He still has 20 minutes left.
As I open the door to leave the building I fish around in my jacket for some cigarettes. I stand in the parking lot and I take a few drags until I feel calm enough to walk around. I head towards the riverfront.
It’s a nice day. Breezy near the river, but I’m comfortable. I lean against the railing and listen to the waves crash as I watch a boat go by.
The water calms my brothers. It scares me, but I’m used to being uneased by it. I wish there was something other than cigarettes and donuts that could make me feel safe, like the water does for B and Data.
Suddenly I grow a bit stiff. I feel this weird sense of discomfort, like I’m being watched. As if someone is staring at me.
I turn around cautiously, and I lock eyes with ones too similar to my own.
What… the hell is Data doing with some blind guy?
I march over to investigate the situation. I take a deep breath as I approach the two of them sitting on a bench. “Well, what a surprise!” I say, greeting my twin brother.
“Hello, Lore.” He sighs, ever the drama queen.
“I thought you said you were going to be at the café all day? Didn’t know you had friends.” I tease, except not really. Data has never mentioned many of his friends to me, except maybe Deanna, but only because I met her at the donut shop and she thought I was Data. So of course, I asked him about her.
We do look alike. From the back, I guess. My gut is getting a little too prominent but I think the whole scar thing really sets us apart. I guess I look like if Data got stuck in a log cutter, ate too many donuts, and then got a sense of style.
Speaking of… whose shirt is that?!
Are we both wearing B’s clothes? What, is he trying to get rid of them or something?
“I am on a date.” He says. Dead serious. Not even a smile.
I almost joke about him being on a blind date but I don’t want to actually hurt this guy’s feelings. He looks at me curiously, with a pleasant smile. He seems to be enjoying the banter. His service dog doesn’t like me much by the looks of things, though.
“Woooow. Data on a date, huh.” I tease. But again, not really. I didn’t know he liked people like that. They used to go around saying he was gay in school, but that was how kids were. They called everyone gay.
I’m kinda proud of him, actually.
“Is that why you’re wearing B’s shirt?” I say, hoping to get another smile from this cute guy he’s dating. Just embarrass my brother a little, so they have something to talk about. They can dunk on me all they want later.
I hope he doesn’t recognize the pants that are kind of fitting more like capris now that I think about it.
“I would like to continue my date. Without my brother, please.” Data remains professional as ever in tone but I know those eyes too well. Those are the same eyes that look back at me in the mirror every morning. And they are screaming at me right now.
I notice that, somehow, the carnations B has been growing in his makeshift garden on the balcony have ended up behind this man’s ear. Funny… that’s my move.
“It seems to be going well.” I say, I lift the cigarette to my mouth. “You should introduce me.”
Data’s date chuckles at that, in an excited but embarrassed way. Charming.
Another dramatic sigh. “Geordi, this is my twin brother, Lore.” He introduces him as a friend of Deanna’s.
I wonder if this had actually been a blind date set up by their mutual friend. That would be funny.
I hold my cigarette in my mouth so I can offer my hand, but I don’t know how blind this guy is so I say “Lorence Soong, I’m the prettier one.” He takes it with pleasure. He doesn’t have to know that I’m lying.
“I’m sure you are.” Geordi grins. Wow. They’ll get along great, I’m sure.
I step back and interrogate further. “So I guess you’re not going to be home for dinner?” I wink.
Data looks at me with disgust but I’m not sure if it’s because I puff my cigarette at him or because I insinuated that he’s going to be banging this guy tonight.
He coughs, like he’s offended. “Put that out, please. Yes, I will be home for dinner.”
I reluctantly flick my cigarette on the ground and stomp it out. I kinda hope he won’t be. Dude needs to get laid.
“Good” I lie. “It's taco Tuesday.”
We always have to have meal schedules. B runs on schedules. And it works for us, too. I don’t like trying to figure out what everyone wants to eat just to find out we don’t have that thing and we have to start over. Between the three of us we’ve found that this system works a lot better.
“Is this what you do every time you take B to physio?” He accuses me. Obviously not a fan of my ‘cigarettes by the river’ time.
I shrug. “No. Sometimes I smoke pot.” It’s true, and I hope it pisses him off just a little bit for it to be fun.
Data sighs AGAIN and reaches for his wallet. Eventually he hands me some money.
“Buy him a donut afterwards. Maybe he will forgive you for the smell.”
Yes. As far as Data knows, B just really enjoys donuts and it has nothing to do with me or the guy that works at the donut shop.
“Will do. Enjoy your date.” I nod. I begin to walk away but then turn around and address this ‘Geordi’ guy. “Isn’t my brother sweet? Don’t break his heart.” I smile. It’s a bit of a threat.
We aren’t as close as we once were. None of us are after everything we’ve been through. But we’re trying, and I still care about him. I don’t want Data to fall in love and get his heart broken. It’s such a bad feeling.
I can’t protect him from all the bad in the world, though. Especially since I am some of the bad in the world.