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The crow nest felt crowded with two grown men curled up in it looking at the sunrise, and while the sight (all of it) felt like there weren't adjectives good enough in the world to describe it (amazing didn't quite feel amazing enough), Ed was starting to get restless.
He'd never done well with tight spaces… and it was quite ironic, considering he'd lived on a fucking ship for the better part of his life.
He needed a distraction: something to get his mind out of all the places Stede's body was touching his, somewhere to direct his thoughts that wasn't how he should have left his stupid leather vest in their quarters, because it was summer and the air was sweltering hot even at the arse crack of dawn, and he was sweating like a pig.
Did pigs even sweat? Ed had no clue.
Stede didn't seem to be bothered by it. The summer, not the pigs: Stede would probably have known if pigs did in fact sweat, and the doubt wouldn't have bothered him in the slightest because it wouldn't have been a doubt at all.
Stede seemed to know everything… but right then and there, there didn't seem to be a single thought in his head.
He had his pale, delicate hand on Ed's bad knee, his fingers lazily drawing slow circles on the leather that wasn't covered by the knee brace, and he was looking at the sun crawling its way up in the sky with a pleased little smile on his face.
Except his hand wasn't really so pale and delicate anymore, was it?
Stede had gotten slightly rougher in the last few months: not enough that he wasn't himself anymore, but enough that Ed (anyone?) could see it.
His hands had new callouses, his skin was a healthy golden and he was covered in freckles, he didn't dress as fancy (but still a lot fancier than the average pirate) and now there was a little golden ring hanging from his left earlobe.
Ed was working on convincing him on getting tattoos, too, but he was only half serious about it: as it had turned out when they got his lobe pierced (while only slightly plastered), Stede and needles weren't the best of matches.
He'd probably never be a great swordman either, but as it was he'd gotten a lot better (and Ed was insanely fucking proud of him).
But his favorite bit of Stede's transformation was probably the hair: the sun had bleached it to pale gold, and it was now long enough that Stede went around with a bit of twine always in his pocket and mostly wore it in the tiniest, most (adorable) ridiculous ponytail.
It wasn't in a ponytail now: it framed Stede's face in soft, loose golden curls that reflected the pink of the sky and made Stede look like something out of a painting.
Ed hated tight spaces, and almost everything about that little tradition of theirs of saluting the day from the crow nest every time they were up (late) early enough to catch the sunrise made him sweaty and uncomfortable and had his joints creaking for most of the morning afterwards, and yet it was one of his favorite things every day.
After all, he might have been uncomfortable, and sweaty (like a horse. He was fairly sure that horses did sweat) but his favorite things were all there: the quiet sloshing noise of the waves hitting the hull of the ship, the salty smell of the sea mixed with the lavender scent of Stede's fancy soap, the warm, orange-ish pink of dawn, the bittersweet loneliness that came along with early mornings, and Stede.
Stede who was now looking at him with fond eyes and his lips curved in an easy, soft smile that Ed knew was just for him.
It made him feel incredibly loved, that there was someone in the world that had a specific way to smile that was just used on him. It made him feel incredibly lucky that that person, of all the people on the bloody planet, was Stede Bonnet.
Ed suddenly realized he had no idea of how many people were on the bloody planet, and for a moment he hated himself for being so slow at reading that he'd probably never find out.
Stede had been trying to teach him for a while now, but Ed was finding it incredibly hard and frustrating: he could have swore that the words wiggled and flickered on the paper, as if they were trying to run away from him.
-Penny for your thoughts, darling? - asked Stede, still smiling.
-I have no idea of how many people are on the bloody planet, - confessed Ed -And yet somehow I managed to bag the most beautiful man alive. -
Stede's ears turned slightly pink and Ed found himself wishing he could paint, so he could put this slightly sleepy, blushing version of Stede on a bit of paper and carry it with him everywhere.
Maybe he could ask Lucius, if the poor bloke ever forgave him for throwing him overboard and almost drowning him. Ed had the burning suspicion that that particular miracle was not happening any time soon.
Stede leaned in closer and snuck an arm around Ed's shoulders.
Ed felt even more crowded, but he didn't really care. He never cared much when it was Stede.
-You old sap, - Stede said -You'll make my teeth fall off. I'll end up like the Swede, and you'll have to feed me soup with a spoon for the rest of our lives. -
Ed chuckled, and now his own cheeks were burning and if there had been anyone else around he'd have been embarrassed, but it was just Stede, and Stede had seen him doing or saying things that were way worse than a little blush.
Like crying, or puking his guts out after drinking too much.
-You're the one who just called me darling, - he shot back, without much heath.
The truth was that every single goddamn time Stede said something like "the rest of our lives", Ed's heart skipped and spluttered like it'd just chocked on something.
Stede snorted a little, looking at him with soft brown eyes, and all of a sudden Ed's chest was feeling warm and full instead of hot and sweaty.
-May I kiss you, captain? - Stede asked.
Ed turned towards him as much as he could and brought his right hand up to Stede's cheek, caressing his sun kissed skin, letting Stede's golden stubble sting his fingers.
-Permission granted, captain, - he answered.
He leaned forward, with all intention of kissing the grin right off Stede's face.
Stede giggled and kissed him back, softly.
Ed felt his eyes flutter closed.
He'd never been kissed the way Stede kissed him: like he was precious. Like he could break if Stede pushed too hard. Honestly, with the way the man made him feel, Ed wasn't completely sure he wouldn't.
Fall apart like a china teapot smashed against a wall, laying in minuscule shards all over the floor, impossible to fix and yet still weirdly beautiful.
He'd once met a pirate who wore jewelry made of jagged pieces of china, and he hadn't been able to stop thinking about it for weeks.
He'd never felt beautiful in his life, and yet Stede fucking Bonnet made him feel like he could be: broken and splintered and rough around the edges, but still good for something.
Stede pulled away a few seconds later and kissed Ed's nose, and Ed smiled, but he didn't open his eyes just yet.
-Are you alright? - inquired Stede.
Ed nodded.
-It's just… - he tried to explain -A lot? -
He hadn't meant for it to sound like a question, but it was something he didn't quite understand himself: he was pretty sure that it wasn't supposed to feel that big. Kissing someone. Even when it was Stede, and especially because they mostly kissed like they were stupidly young and had barely even learned that kissing was a thing that existed.
Lips on lips, barely any tongue. Stede bit him, sometimes. Just the smallest hint of teeth scraping against Ed's bottom lip. Sometimes Ed made brief incursions to Stede's jaw. That was it.
And yet Ed felt like he was exploding, every single time. Like there was so much to feel that opening his eyes and seeing things on top of it would simply be too much.
-A lot, - repeated Stede, concern making its way into his voice -In a good way? -
Ed nodded, and smiled even wider.
Something told him he was smiling like an idiot, but he didn't care.
-Man, I could fucking cry for how fucking good it is, -
Stede gave him a last peck on the lips, then he curled back up against Ed's side, laying his head against Ed's chest.
His hair tickled at Ed's chin, soft like a blond cloud.
Ed couldn't repress a smile.
He was probably going to hell when he died, but at least he was having a bit of heaven right there and then.
They laid in silence for a while, with the sea breeze lulling them and the waves singing below them.
Ed was almost about to doze off when Stede spoke again.
-Is this why you won't… - he tried -Is this why you won't do anything more than kissing with me? Is it too much? -
Ed sat up and looked at Stede, feeling his eyes going as wide as saucers.
It wasn't that he thought that the question would never come up: of course it would at some point. It was just that… somehow, Ed had managed to forget that he'd known that that was a conversation that was bound to happen at some point.
Stede was staring back at him with slightly flushed cheeks and an apologetic look in his eyes, as if the mere asking had caused him extreme shame and moderate pain.
Ed wasn't sure it hadn't: he'd spent most of his life at sea, and everything was fair game at sea… but Stede wasn't like him: he'd spent most of his life on land, and land people were prudes, ashamed of everything, convinced that everything that felt good was a sin in some way or another.
Also, Stede was a decent person, and he didn't like to embarass others, so there was that.
Ed wasn't embarrassed, per sé, it was just… difficult to explain. And scary, as he was beginning to realize: if Stede hated him for it… he didn't even want to think about it.
-Kind of? - he attempted -It's just… not my cup of tea I guess. -
Stede just nodded and didn't say anything.
Ed felt his chest tighten a little: he'd learned the hard way that sometimes silence was worse than insults.
-Do you want us to do more than that? - he offered -Because I… -
-I don't want us to do anything you're not comfortable with, - interrupted Stede, flush turning into a full bush that spread to his ears and crawled down his collar -I just… I don't know. I suppose I let myself be influenced by the folklore around you. -
Ed cocked an eyebrow.
-Folklore? - he repeated. Hadn't he been utterly terrified he'd been amused.
Folklore was such a ridiculously fancy word to apply to someone like him.
-You know what I mean, Edward: word is you're pretty successful with the ladies… and others. Calico Jack once told me… -
Ed couldn't hold back a laugh.
-Jackie was full of shite, may he rest in pieces, - he said -Come on: the lad went around calling himself Calico and didn't even know all calico cats are girls, you gonna trust a word from his mouth? -
Stede shrugged.
-Besides, I'm not an idiot: that poor bastard probably had every single disease under the sun. It would take either a lot of courage or a shitload of rum to hit that. -
-Fair enough, I suppose. His hygiene was rather subpar, -
Stede looked at his hands: his fingers were almost knotted to each other, held protectively in his lap.
Ed leaned in and carefully sneaked his own hand in the pile. Stede started to play with his fingers.
-Were you always like this? - he asked, quietly.
Ed nodded.
-I think so. I mean: I wanked my way through adolescence like everybody else but I've never… felt that way about people? If that make sense? I've had sex before, and sometimes I've even enjoyed it… in general I don't hate it, but I also don't get why everyone is so obsessed with it. Sure, it feels good, but it can also be so fucking boring and I just… it doesn't come natural to me, if that makes sense. I don't feel the pull of it. For the first twenty something years of my life I thought sexual attraction was just… a saying, or a joke, but not a real thing. It's like I'm a ship and everything works just right but there's no wind. Or like I'm in a room full of food but i'm not hungry: sure, the food looks good and I can eat and I can still enjoy it, but it's kinda… what's the fucking word… superficial, -
-I think you mean superfluous, love, -
Ed nodded again.
-Thanks. And then on top of that: everything with you feels so big that I worry it would be too much and I'd just explode. I don't think you would enjoy that either, -
Stede nodded back, but he wasn't looking at Ed. He was looking at the sun where it was starting to peek over the horizon.
The silence was deafening.
Ed's heartbeat was also deafening.
-When I was younger I thought I was broken, - he added, in little more than a whisper.
-I thought that too, - confessed Stede -About myself. Because I couldn't look at girls the way the others did, and because I couldn't love Mary the way she deserved… but you taught me that I'm not broken, just different. Perhaps it's the same for you? -
Ed smiled to himself. He took a big breath and felt hus chest fill with warmth once again.
Stede fucking Bonnet was a marvelous bastard of a man, and he would have burned the world down if Stede just asked. Not that he would, because he was a decent man before all, but... But.
Ed would do it. Probably wouldn't even hesitate that much.
-Maybe, - he conceded -Are you gonna be alright with that? -
Stede scoffed, feigning offence in that way that Ed adored.
-Why wouldn't I be? I fell in love with you, not with your… mast, -
Ed laughed.
-It is quite a nice dick though, -
-I don't doubt it, -
Ed laid his head down against Stede's shoulder and looked at the sun rising once again: it looked like it was going to be a great day for sailing.
-I really fucking love you, Stede Bonnet, - he said.
He had never meant anything as much as he meant those (one, two, three, four, five, six…) seven (?) words.
-I really love you , Edward Teach, -
A beat passed, and then two… and then Ed had to ask.
-Stede, do you by chance happen to know if pigs can sweat? -