Work Text:
6:32 PM
I’m going to be late.
???
Traffic’s at a standstill. I think there’s an accident up ahead.
Mate, don’t stress. You and Lou just get here when you can.
Ed, are you sure you can handle it on your own?
How hard can it be?
They’re teenage girls, Ed. And there are 6 of them!
Yeah, but it’s just Alma and her friends. Easy peasy, puddin’ and fuckin’ pie
No, Edward, not easy peasy. Even Louis just made a face.
Love, trust me. I’ve got this.
Okay, but promise you’ll call if you get in over your head before I get home.
Fine, Stede. I promise I’ll call if half a dozen teenagers get the upper hand in my own house.
7:21 PM
How’s it going?
I ordered pizza. But…
But?
I don’t understand what happened. I told them the pizza was here, and it was like a plague of locusts descended on the table - loud, giggly, Bath and Bodyworks-smelling locusts. Stede, they ate all the pizza! ALL OF IT! Even my Meat Lovers Supreme!
Louis wants me to tell you that you made a rookie mistake by not getting your own slices of pizza first. I did try to warn you, dear.
Stede… can you pick up Shake Shack on the way home?
For you, my love? Of course. If I ever get out of this traffic jam.
7:45 PM
Alma just asked if they could tie-dye, or maybe it was hair-dye, something. That’s cool, right?
What? Ed, did she say tie-dye or hair dye?
Same thing, isn’t it?
NO ED! DO NOT LET THEM DYE ANYTHING! STUPID FUCKING TRAFFIC MOVE!
8:03 PM
Um, Stede, you didn’t really like those yellow hand towels, right?
The ones in the master bath? Yes, Ed. I like those. They were a wedding gift. Why?
Nothing. It’s fine
Ed…
How much longer do you think you’re gonna be?
Traffic is finally starting to move. Maybe another half hour? 45 minutes? I still have to stop and get food for the 3 of us.
8:17 PM
Stede, where are you?
We just got to Shake Shack. Do you want your usual?
Yeah sure whatever. Just– love, it’s getting kind of, um, I don’t even know. But I think they can smell my fear
Louis says it was nice knowing you, Ed.
Tell Lou he’s hilarious. Just please fucking hurry!
8:30 PM
Leaving Shake Shack now. Be home in 15.
8:31 PM
Ed?
8:47 PM
Stede pulled into the driveway, throwing the car into park. He and Louis grabbed the bag of food and tray of shakes and practically ran for the front door. Ed still hadn’t responded and his last text had seemed somewhat panicked. Stede steeled himself for what he might find and opened the door.
Ed was sitting on the floor with the girls, hunched over Alma’s friend, Christine’s hand, deep in concentration, the rest of the girls all crowded around him. “Honey, I’m home?” Stede said with a questioning lilt.
“Hi, babe. Just gimme a sec to finish this ladybug.”
“Dad! Ed’s doing everyone’s nails. Look!” Alma held her hands up so that Stede could see the little cat faces on each of her nails.
“Oh, wow. Those look great.”
“Aaaand done.” Ed screwed the top back on the bottle of nail polish and got to his feet, groaning. “I’m taking a quick lunch break. But when I get back, it’s Maggie’s turn. So be thinking about what you want.”
Ed followed Stede to the kitchen and grabbed his shake off the table. “Oh my god, I’m starving! I love you so much.” Ed dug through the bag, pulling out his burger and fries.
Louis was already halfway through his meal. “Glad you’re not dead, Ed,” he said around a mouthful of burger, “nice eyeliner.”
“I’m also glad you’re not dead, dearheart,” Stede bit into a fry. “But maybe next time you send me a panicky text, you also respond to the one I send back? So I know you’re okay?”
“I’m sorry, love. I didn’t mean to worry you. I just got distracted. The girls saw my nails and asked if I would do theirs.”
“I can’t be upset with you for bonding with your step-daughter now, can I? Oh, your eyeliner does look nice. The wings are new though.”
“Yeah, apparently Stacy wants to go to cosmetology school, so she asked if she could practice on me.”
“Well, she did a great job. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to get cleaned up and changed into some comfy clothes. It’s been a day.”
“And I should probably get started on Maggie’s nails.”
They exchanged a quick kiss before leaving the kitchen, Ed returning to his pile of floor cushions as Stede climbed the stairs to their bedroom.
Ed was feeling pretty proud of himself. Stede hadn’t thought he could manage a teen girl sleepover, but he was Blackbeard. He could do anyth–
“ED! WHY IS THE BATHTUB PURPLE?!”