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Ellie knew something was wrong the moment she saw joel stop and grab his chest. He told her that it was fine, that it was just the cold air and she didn't need to worry.
Still, she couldn't stop herself from keeping a concerned eye on him for the rest of their journey. She'd told him that she was worried he'd die and that without him, she was fucked (because she was. how could she be expected to survive out here by herself when she could barely survive in the QZ?) but in reality, her anxiety came from a different place. Truth be told, she was absolutely terrified. It was like she'd told Sam: she was scared all the time. And most of all, she was scared that something would happen to Joel. And that's what scared her the most. It was laughable, really. She wasn't scared of the living dead people that roamed the earth, or of the countless groups of hunters that could pounce on the two of them at any given time. No, she was scared that Joel would leave her. She was scared that, in one way or another, she'd find herself alone again, and Joel clutching his chest, out of breath and struggling to ground himself, did not do anything to ease that fear.
It happened a second time when he thought she was asleep. She wasn't really, just lying with her eyes closed. They were camping behind a rock formation after a long, long day of walking. Joel had insisted that they stop for the night when he heard Ellie's teeth chattering under her blanket and all her clothes, and had insisted on giving her his blanket and sleeping bag while he kept watch. Now that they'd established some kind of bond, he had developed a habit of doing things like that. Ellie called it his 'dad mode', although she kept that to herself.
She was just about to doze off when she heard him take in a sharp, shallow breath and move away from her and their dying fire. Ellie rolled over as quietly as she could in order to not startle him and observed him (to make sure he wasn't dying obviously. not for any other reason). He was leaning on his rifle, something he'd always told her not to do, clutching his chest with his eyes closed. If she looked carefully enough, she could see tear tracks on his face.
Now she was sure it was a panic attack. She'd seen and had too many at the FEDRA military school to not be able to recognise one, especially one this bad.
She kept watching him closely with a furrow in her brow, freezing every time he moved. After what seemed like an eternity, he finally slumped over and sighed before getting up, moving his sleeping bag closer to Ellie, and sitting next to her with a grunt.
"Get some sleep," he told her, "you're safe."
She nodded and burrowed deeper into her sleeping bag. She'd have to keep an eye on him more. If this kept happening, if he kept having these panic attacks, she'd have to step in and ask him what was wrong, and he'd have to actually communicate with her for once.
yeah, right. when pigs fly.
Joel didn't have any more panic attacks, at least none that she knew of, until they were in jackson.
She felt awful after their fight. Sure, she was angry, but that was no reason to bring up Sarah. He hadn't told her about his daughter for a reason. Whether that reason was that he didn't trust her or it was just too painful, she didn't know, but she shouldn't have known anyway. Stupid fucking Maria.
And of course, she only had her own big mouth to blame. If she'd just thought, even for a second, she wouldn't have mentioned Sarah. She wouldn't have kept arguing. She would have shut up and told him to get out and that she'd go with Tommy but she hated Joel for leaving her (which was a complete lie, of course). She was just scared.
Joel was scared, too.
Which was why she was outside his door, with a fist in the air ready to knock, when she heard a sharp intake of breath from somewhere in the room.
Shit.
Well done, Ellie. First, she yelled at him, then she brought up Sarah, and now she's set him off into another panic attack. Well fucking done.
Joel let out a loud sob, breaking her out of the spiral she was sinking into. She couldn't be selfish right now, she had to think. Her dad protector smuggler was in trouble, what could she do to help? Literally fucking nothing, that's what. He couldn't know she was out there, not now. Maybe if they hadn't fought as much as they did, she would have gone in to comfort him, but no. Instead, she slid down the wall and hugged her knees as she waited for his sobs to stop and his breath to become deeper and his snores to become louder. Perhaps her presence, even from outside the room, could be of some help. She doubted it, but it settled her anxious thoughts for a while.
Ellie woke up on her bed.
She didn't know how she got there, but it was still dark out. Her heart sank. For a moment, she'd hoped that Joel had changed his mind and they might stay in Jackson just a little longer to rest up before he took her.
She didn't want fucking Tommy to take her. She wanted Joel.
But Tommy knocked on her door anyway, and she followed him out with a pit in her stomach.
This time, it was Ellie who had the panic attack.
It was the middle of the night on day two of their trip to colorado, and the stars were brighter than they'd ever been before. A vast contrast to what was happening on the ground below them. Why?
Joel fucking left her, that's why.
Ellie had woken up to take a piss and saw no one. Not a single person. She'd even pinched herself to see if she was dreaming, but she wasn't. Joel had really left her, just like everyone else. His bag wasn't there, his scarf was gone, and even the stupid little flask of that disgusting stuff he called coffee had been taken from its place near the fire. She managed pretty quickly to work herself into a panic. Her breath was coming in cold, short, sharp bursts and she wasn't getting nearly enough air to breathe but she didn't care; joel was gone, he'd left her, he'd probably gone back to jackson to be with fucking Tommy and fucking Maria and that fucking baby. Her entire body was shaking like a leaf and fat tears were running down her face faster than they ever had before. But she didn't care about any of that because joel was gone. he'd left just like everyone else did and he was never coming back because he hated her, everyone hated her, and he was sick of taking care of her because she was just such a high-maintenance child, and-
And joel was in front of her.
What the fuck?
No, she was probably hallucinating. Joel was gone, so why would he be there? why would he be in front of her if he'd ditched her and run off?
She tried to move backwards but Joel's hands were holding her arms. He was holding her arms. Holy shit he was holding her arms. He was here, he hadn't left.
"Joel?" she choked out through her tears.
"yeah, sweetheart, it's me." Ellie didn't think he'd ever sounded so soft and gentle. It made her feel all fuzzy inside, and she wanted nothing more than to melt into him.
So that's what she did.
She practically leapt into his embrace, wrapping her arms around his neck and sobbing into his shoulder.
"You were- I thought- I couldn't see you," she explained thickly.
Joel only shushed her, rubbing his hand up and down her back to calm her down. He murmured in her ear about how he wasn't going anywhere, about how she'd chosen him so she was stuck with him.
She calmed down slowly, almost too slowly. at one point, Joel had to hold her up against his chest because she was so worked up that she started swaying despite the fact that she was already sat down. He kept holding her until her sobs turned into hiccups and her breaths returned to normal (or as close to normal as she could get them).
"You okay?" Joel asked when she lifted her head off his shoulder to try her tears.
"Yeah," she sniffed, "jus' tired."
"You wanna tell me what that was about?"
With a sigh, she said, "I woke up and I couldn't see you. I jus' panicked. thought you might've tried to leave me again."
Joel sucked in a breath and tensed, but Ellie was too exhausted to care at this point. Joel's shoulder was a mighty fine pillow, and she was seconds away from falling asleep.
"I get 'em too, y'know. The... panic attacks." Joel said quietly, gesturing to nothing in particular.
Ellie hummed, and he took it as his cue to continue.
"Yeah, I've been gettin' 'em since I was a kid. 'S like somethin' tugs at my heart, and I lose all my breath. Sometimes I cry. Don' think I've ever had one as bad as that one you just had, though."
"I know. I've seen."
"you have?"
"Yeah. I can help, y'know, ground you and shit. Me 'nd Riley used to get them a lot at the FEDRA school. I know how to do it."
Joel sighed again. "Nah, 's alright, Kiddo. Ya shouldn't have to see stuff like that, let alone help me through it."
There was silence again, and Joel stroked his hand through Ellie's hair.
"Joel?" she spoke up. He hummed and looked down at her. "what are yours... about? Mine was about you, but you never told me yours. 'S okay if you don't wanna tell me, though, I just thought maybe-"
"You."
Ellie looked up at him. "Huh?"
"You. I'm so scared that I'm gonna get you killed. I jus' keep failin' and failin'. Failin' you, failin' Tess, hell, I even failed Henry. I'm terrified there's gonna be somethin' I can't save you from, and you're gonna die, and it's gonna be my fault. That's what mine are about."
She pulled away and looked at him. "I can take care of myself. You don't have to worry about me getting killed. I'm not gonna let anyone hurt any of us."
Joel chuckled and wrapped his arms around her. "I know, kiddo."
"And you didn't fail me, by the way. And I'm happy with you. And-"
"Ellie."
"Yeah?"
"I know."
Joel rested his head on Ellie's cheek, watching the last embers of the fire burn out. He continued stroking his hand through her hair, smiling to himself as she snuggled closer, clearly on the verge of falling asleep. He was almost asleep himself when he heard a small, "Joel?" coming from his right side. He grunted, and Ellie said,
"I really have to pee, can you let go now?"
Laughter echoed around the rock formation they were sheltering behind, accompanied by a, "Hey! Don't laugh at me, old man!"