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Light
I love him too much for my own good. But loving someone is never supposed to be about your own good anyway. And that's okay. Because my love is good for him. Good enough for him to live on it. You see, without my love, he wouldn't be breathing. He would be dead. I would have killed him myself.
Considering that, he is much too callous with me. He doesn't mind annoying me out of my mind. Maybe in addition to knowing that I love him, he also knows just how much I do. He knows that I can't fall out of love with him, not even if I really tried. I wonder how he can be so sure of it when I never told him. Perhaps, it is because words can only hide so much when your actions speak quite clearly for themselves.
Sometimes, when I can't sleep, I take time to reflect on how I ended up here. They say reflection is good for you. But there's a caveat. Reflection is only good for you when your reflection can reflect something back at you that is a little less broken. Ultimately, the sole discovery I've made through my many reflections is that the only things that are good for me are the things that are good for him first. I know this because I can't stand seeing him hurt even if I end up hurting him myself all the time. It's a grievous way to suffer. A bitter penance. But it is the least of what I deserve.
Before I knew him better than I know myself, I used to think that it was his intelligence that played the primary role in his indomitable success as a detective. I've come to learn that what really brought him here is his obsession. He enters this state of flow that can only be disturbed by the fact that he is still human. He forgets that he has to eat, sleep or even feel. I'm sure that given the opportunity, he'll exchange his body for a machine. If I had a say in the matter, I would vote against such a decision of course. Funnily enough, I seem to bear greater attachment to his body than he does himself.
After all, his goals are singular. There is nothing in the world he enjoys doing more than solving cases. He will never be in love with me, because the place in his heart is already taken by his work. Unlike him however, my goals are dualistic. So, while there is nothing in the world that I enjoy more than watching him solve cases, I can't let him solve me. Because then, I wouldn't be able to do the thing I enjoy the most. Still, it's alright. I know that he doesn't want me to let myself be solved. He likes the challenge. After all, it's never entirely been about justice for him. It's never really been about saving the world. And now that he knows that I will never kill him, I'm basically an overrated theme park he gets to play at. The theme is bad decisions and heartbreak. So much fun.
Yes, L doesn't want me to repent. He doesn't care whether or not I can change for the better. He doesn't care if I die. I don't even think he thinks of me as a human being. He just wants to win the case fair and square. It's funny, but he can only win fair and square if I let him. It'd be too easy to steal all his thunder by simply confessing. He counts on the fact that I would never do that, but sometimes I find myself toying with the idea. I'm not sure when I became so casually suicidal. But it makes sense. To love the thing that seeks to destroy you is no different than hating yourself.
"I don't want to fight with you anymore," I tell him after a particularly bad fight about God knows what. I've lost the plot. He touched a nerve, and I punched him. He returned the favor with generously added bonuses.
"It's not realistic. We will continue to fight whether we aspire to or not," he says, as he fixes his clothes.
"I don't like fighting with you," I tell him.
"It's funny that Kira would say that he doesn't like fighting with me," he remarks, a little amused. One would think so. Apparently, they'd be wrong.
"Can you please eat something? Your stomach has been rumbling for hours," I divert as he pulls me off the ground. He shuts me up with a kiss. I get farther with him sexually by nagging than by simply asking him outright. Maybe I should just start nagging him whenever I want to be fucked. A solid strategy that also makes him think that he has all the power. Which to be honest, he does.
"I think there is actually a way for us to stop fighting. I can leave the investigation. Actually, I would like to inform you that I will be leaving the investigation once my current tasks are completed," I tell him once he breaks the kiss. He looks a little taken aback. To be honest, so am I. But I think I need the break. At least for a while. Maybe I can come back when I am feeling a little less insane.
"Can I ask why?" he asks.
"There's not much to it, really. I need to rejuvenate. You are free to see me outside of the investigation if you want to. Just saying. I know it's unlikely," I say, playing it cool although I am regretting my sudden decision to voluntarily be away from him.
"I see. I won't be meeting you outside of the investigation. And I'm afraid I can't let you rejoin. Bad precedent. Other members will feel free to take time off whenever they want to. Can't run an investigation like that," he says.
"I thought you'd say something like that," I tell him. This means that I would probably never see him again.
"I'm surprised that you'd rather choose to never see me again than fight with me frequently," he says disappointedly as if he'd made the wrong research hypothesis about the level of my emotional investment in his company.
"I don't like hurting you..." I say, explaining myself. "I don't even like seeing you hurt." It's the most tender I've been with him.
"You're not hurting me. If that is your concern, you shouldn't worry. I can fire you if it gets intolerable, but as of now, the benefits of keeping you on the investigation far outweigh the inconveniences. You're extremely useful. You are free to reconsider till tomorrow," he offers.
"Thanks, Ryuzaki, but I'm sure," I say. I know that that's the right thing to say, but saying the right thing has never felt so wrong. I almost consider taking my words back. Thankfully, he nods in time, accepting my decision. So, I sigh and seal my treacherous lips shut to keep them from spewing anything nonsensical. I used to be intelligent before I fell in love. God help the ones who started off stupid!
"Are you sick?" he asks.
"Well, not physically," I tell him. He looks into my eyes for the briefest second before he turns away.
"Wish you a speedy recovery, Light-kun. Watari will reach out to you with the paperwork. Kindly ensure that you collect your things by Thursday. It shouldn't take longer than that to complete your current task," he says. Thursday is day after. After that, I can work on saving myself from my irrational infatuation with this man and that'd be a lot easier to accomplish when I'm in no danger of looking at him with such sickening sweetness. Maybe I should thank the heavens that I can never stumble into him or a picture of him by accident. After all, L has no pictures whatsoever. I frown. Despite the sudden onset of overwhelming gratitude in my heart, I feel extremely close to crying. So, I leave L hanging and run to the restroom. I used to think that there was something wrong with the girls who liked me. Apparently, there was nothing wrong with them. There's just something wrong with love.
*
L
I usually feel unworthy of love, because I have abandonment issues and those who love me are usually much better people than I am. But Light is no good person and before yesterday, it hadn't occurred to him that he could simply leave the investigation. Because of this, I had no problems letting him love me. I had no issues accepting the love of a bad man. As of late however, my bad man has been acting extremely unlike himself. And now, he's defied all expectations.
"Wedi, are you saying that he donated all of what he earned from working in the Kira investigation to a drug recovery center?" I ask her again and she confirms. It is possible that Light is trying to act very un-Kira like to throw me off his trail, but I know that he is Kira. It is a basic fact of my life. Random acts of kindness cannot blind me.
"As you know, you're still a suspect on the case even if you're not the main suspect anymore. In light of this, I keep tabs on your activities from time to time. Is there a reason you donated your whole salary to an NGO?" I ask him the next day. He smiles, already having expected this line of questioning.
"Well, I'm on scholarship for college and I plan to work part time and I still have my tennis championship prize money saved up. I could afford to give this away," he tells me and the more I look at him, the more I'm sure that he hasn't made the donation just to throw me off. He's done it because he feels guilty. He's compensating. But if he feels guilty about killing people, why won't he just stop? Why would he continue to do the thing that makes him feel horrible?
"Light, why won't you stop?" I ask him. He looks at me incredulously, but I know he knows what I mean.
"I am not sure what you mean, Ryuzaki," he tells me.
"You won't stop because you can't stop, can you? If you stop, you'll die..." I ask him. I don't know how or why he will die. I just know that he will.
*
Light
"L, my life is in no danger," I lie. It very much is. Ryuk said that he'd kill me the moment I stop entertaining him.
"You're a living contradiction, you know that? You love me and enjoy working with me, but you want to leave the investigation," he says nonchalantly and I freeze. He continues. "You're Kira, but you suddenly wish to reform some of the very criminals you've been killing without mercy."
Then he gives me a look that screams 'Eureka!' "Why didn't I think of this before?!" he exclaims, standing up. Then he sprints into the elevator and shuts it before I can get in. I run up the stairs to find him perched on the parapet wall of the terrace and my heart sinks. He's doing exactly what I thought he would do. Falling from this height would surely kill him. He's saved this madness as a last resort and now that tomorrow is the last day he will have access to me, he has pulled every last stop he can to expose my endless crimes. He is crazy, but only because he knows that I am crazy for him.
"Confess or I'll splatter," he blackmails me, face devoid of all emotion. The winds ruffle through his hair and it makes him look ethereal. But all I can think about is that they're strong enough to prompt a misstep.
"Hey, this is the same as torturing a confession out of your suspect. It's coerced," I try to reason with him, but it only motivates him to stand up. The rest of the task force catches up with us. I try to convince myself that he won't actually do it, but I am terrified. I will be far less terrified if I were in his place.
"Ooh," he says with playful eyes, looking over the edge as Watari comes through the terrace door, holding his rapidly beating chest. It is when Watari pleads with him to get down that my fear compounds beyond all limits. Watari is not pretending. There is no back up safety measure for L's madness. L will damn well die if I don't give him what he wants. I can convince the task force later that I made a false confession under duress.
"Okay, I'm Kira. You're right. Please get down," I say as I bawl my eyes out. I try to take a step towards him, but he doesn't let me. He doesn't get down either. I don't care about anyone else now.
"Tell me how," he orders and then he sways dangerously.
"I will tell you everything. Just please get down," I beg of him. He doesn't listen to me. Then he tips over the edge and I run towards him as he manages to grab onto to the wall with his hands. I can't breathe, but he remains perfectly composed. There is no fear in his eyes. I grab onto his arms and look beyond, feeling a little heady.
"I will let go," he threatens calmly. I acquiese.
"A Shinigami named Ryuk gave me the death note and I used it to become Kira of my own volition. If I stop being Kira, he will end me. I killed the FBI agents and Naomi," I tell him and he finally lets me and Matsuda pull him up. I have never felt relief so profound. Ryuk hovers before me and I know that he will write my name down. But I don't want my death to be his doing. L can send me off to my death, but not Ryuk. The task force is too stunned to do anything. My dad is too stunned to speak. I can't seem to focus on anything but L. He is safe. It's all that matters.
"Let him do it, please," I ask Ryuk as I hold onto L with everything that I can. L looks at me quizzically as Ryuk disagrees. "At least wait for the sentencing. You can get to me before the executioner does, just in time. It can be fun," I try to convince the Shinigami. I'm not ready to die yet. I not ready to never be able to see L again. But Ryuk won't allow my request. He reaches out for his book. However, it is only in vain because I act faster. I refuse to die by his hand. I steal one last kiss from L and then jump over the parapet. I feel L dive right after me. Why on earth would he do that?
His arms wrap around my shoulders firmly and his nails dig into my flesh. He is as terrified as I was just a few seconds ago. I register that someone has managed to grab hold of his legs, but both of us together prove to be too heavy. Still, he won't let me go. It's as if he's never wanted me to die either. He's just wanted to win, just the way he's always had. "I must really care about you for that to be my first instinct," he finds himself saying and if he regrets what he's done, his voice doesn't show it. I smile up at him and wrangle his arms off my shoulders as Ryuk watches us with fascination. Someone pulls him back up. I fall to my death without hesitation. You see, there isn't anything in the world that anyone could have ever told me that is better than what L just said.