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Not very much threw Stede for a loop anymore.
He had settled spectacularly into his new life, his desired life, facing all challenges and hurtles with ease. After all, nothing really fazed him with the man of his dreams by his side. The world was their oyster.
The fuckeries were exhilarating and dramatic. The moments with their crew were cherished and wonderful. The times with his love were blissful and warm.
All was perfect, really.
So, as he got ready with Ed for yet another marvelous day, he wore the largest smile he could muster.
“You gotta relax with that, mate,” Ed snickered.
“With what?”
“That,” Ed said, gesturing to Stede’s expression with a hand.
“What? It’s just my face!”
“Sure is. And if it doesn’t settle down, gonna have to spend the rest of the day kissing it.”
“Is that such a bad thing?”
“For us? Nah,” Ed said, walking up and punctuating his point with a peck, “For the crew, though? Maybe. Kinda need to figure out where we’re going.”
“Do we?” Stede asked, just short of a whine.
Ed laughed a bit more, and offered up another small kiss.
“Think so. Kinda comes with being captains, Captain.”
Stede felt his cheeks flush a bit, chasing back after Ed’s mouth for another lovely entanglement of their lips.
“Surely we can manage both, Captain,” he said between passes.
“Mm.” The deep sound resonated through the depths of Stede’s heart. It was something of a siren song, drawing him closer, beckoning him to tangle his fingers through Ed’s long hair, urging him to gape against that pretty mouth.
“Hmm,” Ed hummed again, before he pulled back a breath, his words dancing right atop Stede’s lips. “Really think so?”
“Seems to be working so far,” Stede murmured, and dove back in once more.
A sentiment which seemed to carry truth…until a series of frantic knocks at the cabin’s door sliced through the deepening moment, followed by an all too-familiar voice.
“Um, Captains, sirs? The crew, uh. Well, they’ve sort of gotten into a sort of argument, about what the next best destination is. Think your uh, insight is needed.”
Slice through indeed; the kiss broke with a groan from Stede, and a snicker from Ed. They remained close though—close enough for Stede to see the amused sparkle in those beautiful, brown eyes.
“You were saying?”
“I was saying too much, it seems,” Stede sighed.
“Well, they fucked up. Cuz now I want to stay here and kiss that pout away.”
“But we can’t stay here, can we.”
“Don’t think so, baby, no.”
Stede was about to sigh more, to offer up further theatrics, to playfully banter as they so often did…
Yet one word, a single word, seemed to carry more moment-shattering power than the entire crew combined.
World-shattering power, really.
Because…what had Ed called him?
Had he misheard? Had it been a mistake? Had it been genuine? Had it been something…worse?
No. That was silly. Yet…
Yet Stede seemed to struggle with the…loop he had just been thrown. He seemed to catch it fine, initially, only to fumble and tangle himself up in it. It was harmless on paper, yet as he grappled with the cordage, it almost seemed to…alight phantoms of pain. Like its touch awoke ghosts from the past.
How was that possible? It wasn’t, was it?
Was any of it?
“Wh-what did you…?” he weakly began to ask, but with one last kiss to his cheek, Ed was already flitting away.
“I’ll go on ahead, see if I can’t calm shit down.”
“I…” Stede rasped, his mouth too dry and his heart too fast. “Right. Okay. Yes.”
It was reassuring, perhaps, that Ed grinned at him. He seemed almost smug really, continuing to let off swaths of confidence and warmth.
Made all the more apparent by the wink he gave as he stepped out, followed by the sing-song, flirty departure.
“Toodle-oo.”
…But Lord, was it confusing all the same.
Stede remained in place, alone in their cabin—right where Ed had left him. His brain whirled with considerations, with thoughts and…much to his chagrin, anxieties.
Because the ghosts crawling through his veins were an insistent bunch. They hissed within his mind, trying to offer what they believed to be the reasoning behind Ed’s…sudden utterance.
But he didn’t want to listen. Even as they snarled a bit louder, he didn’t want to listen.
Ed wasn’t as they tried to paint.
Ed…wouldn’t.
Surely it was just a one-off, or an inconsequential thing, or something he had misheard entirely.
Surely it wouldn’t happen again.
It happened again.
It didn’t for some time—long enough for Stede to almost disregard the first, but it did happen again.
They were at breakfast, laughing, carrying on, enjoying themselves as though it were a normal, wondrous day.
As though those same shadows weren’t lurking right beneath.
“Ed, my love,” Stede tittered, trying to be stern but failing quite miserably, “You’re going to make yourself sick.”
Ed, who was indulging in both sweetened tea and marmalade, scoffed his indifference.
“No, ‘m not. I’ve got a great stomach for this sorta thing. Besides, we have it all the time.”
“Not to such a degree. At this rate, you’re going to turn into an orange, you nut.”
“Ah, but who was the lunatic who replaced all the stores with the stuff, hm?” Ed asked, raising his hands in a sort of shrug.
“Right, right. Touché,” Stede sighed.
“And you were fucking excited about finding that orange on that treasure hunt. So if I were an orange, you’d still love me.”
Stede laughed, before shaking his head, even as his chest warmed with the usual adoration.
“Yeah yeah, okay, you got me. I would indeed still love you. I’ll always love you.”
He looked up just in time to see Ed’s glee shift into something far more tender, his gaze melting like decadent chocolate.
“I’ll always love you, too.” That was, until his lips twitched, and the silliness dripped right back in. “Even if you were, like, one of these sausages.”
Stede wheezed with mirth yet again, the two of them falling back into lightheartedness.
“Why those? I haven’t even had that much!”
“Yeah, not yet, you haven’t.”
“Wh—“ The slyness curling the corners of Ed’s lips made Stede laugh even harder. “Edward.”
“What? It’s true. Very important part of your diet, mate. Need to get it in.”
It was a good thing Stede wasn’t taking a sip of tea, else he would have sputtered something fierce. Instead, he laughed so hard his nose scrunched up, shaking his head all the while.
“Good lord…”
Ed, chuckling all the while, leaned back in his chair, his face slathered with amusement and smugness like their rolls were with sugary spread.
“Just telling it like it is, baby.”
There.
There it was, again.
The spin of his brain.
The stutter of his heart.
The earth-shattering shift.
And there would be no hiding away in the depths of their cabin, no hiding away to mull things over. Not with Ed, his lovely, intuitive Ed, sitting right beside him.
But that was just it, wasn’t. Ed. Smiling expectantly at him, glowing from love, simmering with innuendos. He hadn’t meant any harm. It was ludicrous to even give the consideration any sort of thought.
But the ghosts…
Stede scrambled. It wasn’t a big deal. He didn’t want to make it a big deal. He knew it wasn’t a big deal. He didn’t want whatever ruckus his mind was causing to spill out all over their breakfast. He didn’t want to cause issue over something that was likely nothing.
And he especially didn’t want to upset the man beside him, to cause that precious smile to falter.
So he tried to maintain a brave face, to go right along with it, to ignore everything that swirled within. Maybe he could manage it, get away with it.
He forced another huff of laughter from his lungs and smiled down at their food.
“W-well, I mean, who am I to deny such sound nutritional advice?”
He hoped that Ed would keep the ball rolling, prayed that their back and forth would continue. He eagerly awaited the wonderful snicker, the spark to the air.
But he should have known better; all he got was silence.
Oh god.
He swallowed, and chanced a look at his beloved. The awaiting sight sank his heart straight down into his stomach.
Oh god.
It was too late; Ed’s smile was indeed gone. Worse yet, as was the spark, those lovely brown eyes hardened as opposed to soft. And instead of being teasing, or lascivious, even, they studied him, critical and concerned.
“Ed?” Stede rasped.
“I know that look,” Ed said, his voice far lower than it had been. “You okay?”
Stede swallowed again. He could tell the truth. He could tell Ed what was really going on. He could take a deep breath and approach things.
But it was so…silly, wasn’t it. It was over something so inane. It was a stubborn prickle of pain that shouldn’t concern Ed at all. And it was so reflexive of him to run. So…
“Y-yes of course, darling. I’m fine. Maybe just a bit…flustered.”
“I know when you’re flustered, Stede. This isn’t that. Maybe you were before. But then you…” Ed’s eyes suddenly widened, as though the truth had jumped the gap between their subconsciouses anyway. Perhaps it had. “Fuck.”
“W-what?”
“It was ‘baby,’ wasn’t it?” Ed asked weakly, “You don’t like it?”
Fuck indeed. Intuitive indeed. Far too intuitive for his own good. Stede was foolish to think he could have scurried away.
“No! I-I mean, yes but—that’s not—it’s fine. It just…caught me off guard, is all.”
The answer didn’t satisfy. Ed didn’t settle. In fact, to Stede’s dismay, he only furrowed that much more.
“You don’t like it.” Ed heaved a harsh breath, pushed himself back from the table, and stood up to pace. “Shit, Stede, why didn’t you tell me?”
Stede’s mouth ran immensely dry. The truth was there on his tongue, but it was tangled up in desperation, in backpedaling, in anxiety towards the hole he was boring.
“I—because, because it’s—it’s not a bad thing. Not necessarily. It shouldn’t be an issue. I just—“
“Come on.” The tone to Ed’s voice hushed Stede immediately—his following point even more so. “Thought we were past the point of bullshiting each other, man.”
It was like Ed had figuratively grabbed him by the shoulders and halted his frenzy. Or, perhaps more accurately, it was like his words had socked him in the stomach and knocked all the anxious wind right out of him.
Because, he was left with an ache that both grounded him and reminded him of his place. And he was forced to sit with that in the silence.
It was a stab within, but a much needed one. That such behavior had wounded before, that it was still something to be worked on, and that the ghosts taunted him more than he liked to admit.
Stede closed his eyes and inhaled shaky breaths, taking a few moments to settle the maelstrom that was his thoughts. He brought himself down, re-centered himself, before finally daring to look over where Ed was standing.
“…You’re right,” he eventually whispered, “I…I didn’t mean—I’m sorry, sweetheart.”
Ed released a breath, and whatever tension was present seemed to ebb a bit. Still, did Stede rise up out of his chair, finally intent on facing both his beloved and the music.
“I wasn’t trying to bullshit you,” he softly continued, “Not really. I just—I was more so—I was trying not to make an issue of something that wasn’t even your fault.”
“Wasn’t even my—“ Ed’s processing cut off, his brow crinkling with confusion. “What?”
“Yeah. It’s…” Stede sighed, looking down at their feet. “It’s a bit stupid, you see…”
“Hey…” Ed warned, but Stede shook his head.
“No, really, it’s—“
“Quit with that, man. If you’re upset, it’s not stupid.”
“I’m not even that upset! That’s the thing. It’s why I just…I didn’t want to get into it for no good reason. Didn’t want to cause a problem. Suppose I sort of did anyway, but…It’s all just so…”
He continued looking downward, but a long sigh from Ed drew his gaze back up, albeit hesitantly. The look in Ed’s eyes was comforting, inching back towards something soft and warm again. But what appeared to be sadness around the corners tickled the inside of Stede’s nose, as though wetness threatened to surge up.
“Stede…” Ed sighed again, but walked himself over to their couch, plopping down on one end. He met Stede’s eye once he was settled and patted the cushion with a hand. “C’mere.”
Stede shivered on a breath, but obliged, slowly following over. The moment he sat down, Ed’s arm came threading around him. And the moment his arm did, Stede reciprocated, clambering close for a proper embrace.
He squeezed Ed tightly, burying his face in his soft neck when steady arms squeezed back. It allowed them to find each other again, to meet right back in the middle. And better yet, it calmed, soothed—especially with bloody phantoms still seething through his veins.
Part of him wanted to hide there, to wallow away as guilt threatened to gnaw on his bones. But the stronger part, the part that had started to take dominance…
It beckoned him to take another breath and pull back to meet Ed’s eye—an action which was validated with a soft kiss against his cheek.
“Alright. So…” Stede trailed off, his brow furrowing as he tried to gather his thoughts. It wasn’t exactly his strong suit—digging into himself and articulating. Ed however…
Despite it all, he was ever patient. With the walls down, with everything out of the way, he gave Stede a moment before reaching to lay a hand on his knee.
“Can lead things off, love. If you want,” he said.
“But—Ed…”
“I don’t mind. Need you to know something anyway.”
“Oh?” Stede murmured, and the hand against his knee gently rubbed.
“Yeah. Listen to me, mate. Nothing you ever feel is ‘stupid,’ alright? If something upsets you, then something upsets you. Big, small, silly, however the fuck you want to spin it.”
Stede blinked with surprise—or perhaps to keep that tickling feeling at bay again.
“Ed…”
“I’m not here to judge you, for anything. You know that.”
Stede choked a bit on a breath. Did he? Did he know that? The darker parts within always wanted to scream otherwise, of course.
But when he looked into those eyes, beautiful, patient, warm, understanding, all-too forgiving…
He released the tension with a more collected exhale.
“I do. I do know that,” he whispered.
Ed’s expression softened, and his caresses wandered a bit higher.
“Good. And talking to me about something isn’t ever a problem, love.”
Again, Stede shivered, the sensation in his sinuses worsening.
“Yeah?” he said, intending for it to be steady; it came out closer to a croak. Ed let out a soft huff in response and gave his leg a pat.
“Yeah.”
“Even if it slices through a very, ah, helpful conversation regarding nutritional advice?” Stede asked, trying to clamber for a bit of lightness amidst the building emotion.
And it worked, thankfully. Ed let out that soft, magical laugh he adored so much, a noise that was as lovely as it was reassuring.
“Even then. I promise you that. Because, what’s the thing you always tell everyone? We talk it through…”
“…As a crew.” Stede sighed, looking down and laying his hand softly atop Ed’s. “I know. I’m sorry. Really, I am. Everything from the past just…I struggle still. Sometimes.”
There was a bit of a pause, before Ed flipped his hand over for the purpose of capturing Stede’s in his own.
“I know. Me too,” he murmured, giving a soft squeeze.
“That’s actually what got to me. That’s what was behind all of this. It wasn’t you. I promise you that.”
He finally looked up again to seek that gentle stare, to get lost in shades of brown as he so often did. And, to hammer in his point, he couldn’t help but lean in for a kiss, one that Ed immediately met him for.
They kissed softly, sweetly, apologetically, unspoken but very much understood points flowing betwixt the slides of their lips. They savored, loved, before Stede pulled back, though not without a parting kiss to the corner of Ed’s mouth.
“Because really, that term was rather lovely coming from you. It just…reminded me of something, is all.”
Ed’s stare managed to soften even more, sympathy and understanding blurring the edges.
“Don’t have to get into specifics if you don’t want to, love,” he said.
“No, it’s alright.” Stede took a breath—a readying, cleansing breath. “So you um…you know the Badmintons.”
It was quite something how quickly a soft look hardened; Ed’s eyes shifted from tender to stormy in a mere blink. Any grasp he had on Stede too, tightened considerably.
“Wish I fucking didn’t, but yeah.”
“Okay, well…Nigel, the one I may have accidentally sort of murdered—well, the—the first one I may have accidentally sort of murdered…” Stede took another breath. “He and I grew up together. Went to boarding school and all.”
“Take it he didn’t treat you kindly?”
“Ah…”
The weight of such an admittance was extraordinarily heavy on Stede’s tongue. It threatened to weigh it down, to make him incapable of speech.
But that marvelous face before him, the taste of his beloved on his lips, the memory of the bathtub and candlelight…
They were something of rope, hoisting it all up.
“…No,” he sighed. “Not really, I’m afraid. To the point where he…never really liked using my actual name. He always seemed to go for mockery instead.”
Ed’s face shifted again. The storm clouds which had rolled in broke, sending droves of melancholic rain splashing upon shades of brown. His brows remained furrowed, but his face crumpled in shared pain.
“Stede…” Ed whispered, and leaned back in to press a soft kiss against his cheek.
Such a thing continued to be mighty. The trauma was a stuck anchor, Ed’s love a capstan, dragging the trapped pain upwards and out.
“I cried a fair bit, you see—I guess more than you’re supposed to. And picked flowers. And did a lot of other things that he found detestable, I suppose. So aside from how he treated me…”
Stede choked up a bit, but it was there. The truth was right there. And he would not deny his love a second time. So, though it stung, though it was acrid within his mouth…
“…He also called me Baby Bonnet.”
And it was like a great burden had been pulled from the depths of his chest, like the utterance removed a thorn which had been long buried.
The weight, though, flung elsewhere. There was a pause, before it all seemed to hit Ed like a naval warship, his face collapsing into one of intense remorse.
“Oh. Oh. Shit, Stede, mate, I’m so sorr—“
“Don’t you go apologizing. Like I said, you’re not at fault at all.”
“But I—“
The insistence was hushed with another kiss, as was the weepiness within. They both grasped each other a bit tighter than before, but Stede was prompt to pull back—if only a breath.
“You meant well,” he whispered, “I know you meant well. It just sort of…startled me, is all. I haven’t heard such a thing since he used it.”
“Still. Fuck. I’m sorry, love. I’m so sorry.”
“You’re alright. Really. I love you so much. And I’m sorry for startling you.”
Stede offered a ghost of a smile, an expression of genuineness, of assurance. And one that, to his utmost relief, was slowly reciprocated. The shine to their eyes began to sparkle, not ripple, and the tension to their bodies began to ease, not build.
“It’s fine. Love you too, mate. So much. So fucking much.”
Yes. Relief indeed; oh, what weight had been lifted off Stede’s chest.
It was only natural that they wandered into another kiss then, as sweet as the marmalade and tea from their breakfast—maybe even more so. Every slide of their lips was a declaration of those three words, every content sigh a shared promise, every brush of their hands a deeper understanding.
The way they understood each other, the way they—the way Ed listened to him, heard him…
The tears surged up the strongest they had all morning, causing Stede to break away, albeit reluctantly. He didn’t pull back entirely though. Rather, he kept his forehead leant against his beloved’s, their noses nuzzling, their breaths intertwining.
“Thank you…” he whispered after a few comfortable beats. Two words containing so much more: thank you for being patient, thank you for being so kind, thank you for loving me so…
Of course Ed knew that. His brown eyes shimmered that much more, like they were a night sky filled with brilliant stars. He didn’t say anything in response—only pressed another soft kiss to Stede’s mouth. But he didn’t need to.
Stede knew what he meant too.
He sighed again, far more relaxed, happy once more. The warmth of their love was something of a blanket, holding him tightly and soothing him through it all. How wonderful Ed made him feel. How fortunate he was.
Stede shifted a bit then, another thought easing into his head, and leant back to tie a somewhat open end.
“For the record, I…I really do love when you use endearments on me.”
“Yeah?” Ed whispered, his eyes crinkling a bit from his building smile.
“Absolutely,” Stede said back, his own smile growing too. “Makes me feel…special. Loved. Something like that.”
Ed snickered, softly, fondly, giving Stede the umpteenth kiss.
“Well good, cuz you are. You’re everything to me. I always want you to know that.”
“I…You’re everything to me too, darling,” Stede said, his voice quivering with the higher threat of tears.
“Darling,” Ed repeated, his smile going a bit dreamy before he heaved a breath. “See, that’s just it. Exactly why I was trying a different one out. Feel like you have a lot of good ones. Darling, dear, love, sweetheart. I toss ‘love’ around so much, y’know? So—I dunno. Was just trying to find another that felt right. And I liked how the other one sounded but…”
Once again did Stede witness Ed’s mind work its magic, like he could practically see the flame light ablaze. Brown eyes widened, and his smile turned giddier, like how it looked before they devised a good plan for a fuckery.
“Oo, now hang on, how about this,” Ed said, sitting up a bit, “‘Baby’ strikes a little too close to home, right? So what if we changed it a bit? Made it ours?”
Stede’s heart began to quiver a bit more in his chest, anticipation, curiosity, and even excitement shoving the remnants of haunts away.
“I’m following,” he breathed.
“How about…babe?”
Oh.
Oh.
Now that was something.
As opposed to stopping, Stede’s heart did a little…flutter. And as opposed to shifting, his world…glowed.
“B-babe?”
“Mm. Not quite ‘baby.’ Not quite another thing. Different, but similar enough.” Ed tilted his head a bit, a deeper intent flashing behind his eyes. “Just similar enough to take it all back from that bastard.”
Tears properly filled Stede’s eyes then, a sheen against his bottom lid. But still, he smiled—oh, how he smiled.
“Babe,” he breathed, tasting it, feeling it. But his own utterance wasn’t quite sufficient enough. “S-say it to me?”
Ed grinned that much more, and happily obliged, punctuating each test of the term with even more kisses.
“You’re the love of my life, babe.”
A kiss to Stede’s cheek.
“Love you so much, babe.”
A kiss to Stede’s nose.
“Want the world for you, babe.”
A kiss to Stede’s lips, before Ed held there, whispering right into Stede’s very soul.
“Never want you to hurt like that ever again. I will do everything I can to make sure it never happens. I really do love you, and I’m glad we talked. The past fucking sucks. I know it does. Know it sucks to bring up. But you did. And I’m proud of you. So proud of you, babe.”
It was no wonder that Stede was properly crying then, tears racing down his cheeks in cascades. He was something of a puddle from his darling’s affections, laughing and sobbing from the beauty of it all.
“Yeah, t-that’s uh…” He sniveled, and laughed some more. “That’s wonderful…”
The resulting look on Ed’s face only brought forth further tears.
“You think so?” he breathed, utterly beaming.
“You’re wonderful. My darling. My angel. My treasure.”
It was Ed’s turn to both laugh and sob, tears quickly filling up his eyes too. But oh, how they both smiled at each other, utterly magnetized, utterly ablaze.
Such a connection drew them inward again, their lips just beginning to lock for the most passionate kiss of the morning…
…Only for those dastardly knocks and subsequent call to action to sound once more.
“Little assistance if ya could spare some time, cap’ns!”
“Oh, for f-fucks sake…” Stede wheezed, causing Ed to laugh.
“Not sure what I love more—your sweetness or your curses.”
“Well, there will be no shortage of either on this damn ship, r-rest assured…”
Again, Ed laughed, and he gave a few more peppering kisses before finally getting off the couch. When Stede didn’t immediately rise with him, he tilted a brow and offered a hand.
“You coming?”
“You go on ahead,” Stede said with a wave of his hand before gesturing to his dampened face. “Need to, ah, freshen up a bit.”
“Alright,” Ed murmured, but still kept his hand out for Stede to take.
Stede did so, and the moment he rose to his feet, Ed pulled him into a tight, lovely hug. One signaling their brief departure, surely, but one also carrying all the beauty from their discussion with it.
“Love you,” Stede said against Ed’s neck, “Thank you, again.”
“Love you, too. And ‘course.”
With one last squeeze, one last peck, and one last smile, Ed made his way over to the door. But not without one last utterance as well.
“See you soon, babe.”
No stutters. No stops. No ghosts.
Stede only beamed.