Chapter Text
Oddly enough, Mikey was the only one in his family without a distinct fear.
That was not to say he was fearless , because he was clearly not. His stomach flipped before his body in the competitions, he gulped down as the teachers set down his exam papers upside down, and he trembled as he stared at the last dose of Adderall he forgot to get refilled. He had many fears, but hey, they came prepackaged, baby! That was just being human.
But his family? Oh man, they were a mess. Raph still got pale each time they brought up Mrs. Cuddles, Donnie never recovered from the Beach Ball Incident of 2014 and Leo thought his self-worth depended on what the others thought of him. And Dad was a whole another case, because despite training his sons to the best of his abilities, he still had the shadow of fear in his eyes as he let them loose in NYC. Well, NYC wasn’t safe exactly, and he was right to worry! But it got too much sometimes— because he wasn’t as old as he looked. The fear and worry physically weighed on him.
Though, after today, Mikey could swear he saw a notification pop right in front of his eyes, saying: New Fear Unlocked!
That might have had something to do with the way his friend came back from his week-long absence . Just from a faraway glance, Mikey knew something wasn’t right. Well, he had guessed it before, because Hasan wasn’t the kind of guy to just ignore his texts. Even if he wouldn’t always join him at the skate ramp or share a cool graffiti he saw, he would at least send an emoji. Instead, the entire week had been a complete radio silence. The last seen online date remained the same, and the Mikey’s calls fell to voice mail. The teachers talked in hushed voices as Hasan’s other friends tried to reach him in every way they could.
And when he finally returned to school, as Mikey put on a bright grin, he saw the way Hasan looked.
He was… Well. Mikey didn’t think there was a word enough to describe just how awful he looked. Because everything was the same, with his faded gray hoodie and messy curly hair, and the backpack with a ripped handle he just refused to get fixed. Yet, he was so different— because his dark eyes seemed darker somehow, and his face was pale and lips thinned, and he had a slight stubble, and-
Mikey hesitantly reached for his friend, and noticed the way he seemed so close to breaking. He retracted the hand he lifted to lightly punch him on the shoulder.
“Hey, dude,” he said, with a voice that came wrong even to his own ears. “Everything alright?”
And, honestly, Mikey didn’t know how his friend explained it. How he managed to word it. Because if he had lost one of his three brothers, he would probably just shrivel up and die.
“Hussain, you knew him. He’s been sick for a while,” Hasan said, his gaze faraway. “He didn’t… We didn’t know it was so bad.” His throat clicked and Mikey held his friend’s hand. “He was only in 9th grade.”
Mikey had forgotten that people around his age died. As a sophomore in high school, the death seemed like a distant future. But it had been near to Hasan’s brother. It was near to Mikey.
But that wasn’t what Mikey feared. He feared the fact that the death was also near to his brothers.
Hasan didn’t break down in his arms after that. In fact, he hadn’t even shed a tear. He probably had cried enough for a lifetime for the past week. This time, it was Mikey’s turn to cry, and he felt like a total jerk about it— because it was Hasan who had just lost a brother, but Mikey was the one getting a hug. Actually, he cried so hard that the teacher had sent him to the infirmary.
As Mikey stared at the dotted ceiling, his body still shook with the occasional hiccups. The smell of antiseptic would fill his nose if it wasn’t filled with snot. His stomach wouldn’t growl if he had the appetite to eat lunch. Hasan would go and play basketball with his brother if he was still alive.
And Mikey had thought about this before, too. The idea of death wasn’t a novel concept. He knew, logically, they all had to die. It was only a matter of time and place. But he could distinctly remember how he pushed down this fact when he first realized it. How he felt the gut punch at the mere idea of it and found the solution in pretending that it was far, far away.
The door opened and closed. Mikey didn't even turn his gaze towards his brother, who shuffled near him.
“Hey, buddy.” Raphael's sweet voice was even gentler, because of course it was. He wasn’t immune to sick little brothers. And Mikey was in the infirmary, probably looking like a hot pile of garbage with his puffy face. “Are you alright?”
A big hand touched his forehead so gently, and in the absence of a fever, it resigned to stroking the beaded hair out of Mikey’s eyes. Mikey forced a smile and tried to ignore the way his lips wobbled.
“I'm good, Rapha.” He propped himself up with his elbows and leaned back on the wall instead. The wall was cold behind his sweat soaked shirt. Raphael's hand was warm on his own.
“One of the guys mentioned that you were here,” Raph said, and yeah, it made sense. Mikey didn’t even question how he knew Mikey would be here. He had simply assumed that Raph had a sixth sense for sad little brothers. “It was Thomas. You know, the one who always gets hit with the balls? The guy’s face is like a magnet, I swear.”
Mikey hummed, remembering the guy who just came in and left with a bloody nose. Despite Raph’s attempt at humor, he just wasn’t feeling like it. “I’m kinda feeling under the weather,” he explained in a small voice.
Raph scanned him carefully. His eyes didn't look disbelieving, but he totally knew there was more to this story. But he was a wholesome person and even a more wholesome brother, so he didn't push it. “A’right. Want me to call dad?”
“No!” Mikey refused so abruptly that it made Raph jump in surprise. The nurse in the office sent them a disapproving look. “I'm really okay, bro,” Mikey insisted, quieter this time. “It’s just… I'm stressed, I guess.” The look in Raph’s eyes was not good. “We've got a quiz tomorrow. From World History.” he added, hastily.
“From World History,” Raph repeated, with a raised eyebrow. It was slit years ago. Despite what people might assume (because his brother was so big and strong and, unfortunately, intimidating to some), it was because of a hilarious accident that included a Don and one of his failed inventions.
“Uh, yeah.” Mikey dangled his legs down and hopped on the floor. “Look, I was about to leave anyway. Why don't you just return to your class?”
“I will.” Something in his tone told Mikey that he wasn't happy about it. Yet once again, the side of his eyes crinkled with love, and he patted Mikey on the head, ruffling his hair a little. “Stay safe, Mike. Text me if something happens, OK?”
With that, Raph had left. But he didn’t leave entirely , which made Mikey feel relief with a sick twist to it.
***
Mikey was buried into the cushions of the couch, going through Pinterest to get some inspiration for his next art project. The teacher had said they wouldn’t start it until the start of the next month because some students still weren’t finished with their current pieces, but Mikey desperately needed a distraction. After channeling his energy into preparing dinner, he had hopped onto the next most productive thing he could think of.
Leo was right next to him and he was frantic. Mikey watched his brother scowl in concentration as he broke out in sweat. He was maneuvering the controller in his hand, and whooped when he managed to pass Donnie’s car in Mario Kart. The purple twin was sitting on the floor with his back against the couch, but Mikey could see just how hard he rolled his eyes. But he also smiled, which meant he was in a good mood, and he was willing to let Leo win for once. And honestly, thank God for that because Mikey wasn’t ready for another Raph Intervention. That usually meant they would all lose their video games privileges until Raph felt soft enough to give in to their puppy eyes.
The telltale sound of the front door closing made its way to the living room. Mikey straightened up, snapping his head back towards the door with a grin. “Dad!”
Splinter, although exhausted, replied with a smile of his own. “Hello, Orange,” he said, his nose twitching. “Hm, is this the Secret Recipe Spaghetti of yours that I smell?”
Mikey nodded so hard that the beads in his hair clicked. “Spot on! Want me to heat it up for you?”
“No need, son. I’ll eat some after I rest for a while.”
Yikes. Mikey should prepare a plate just in case, because Dad’s “rest” usually meant falling asleep in front of the TV and missing dinner.
“Splendid!” Donnie shot up from where he was sitting, completely abandoning his console and making Leo groan in return. He paid no mind to his twin as he clapped his hands and approached Splinter. “Welcome, papa. Can you sign my consent paper from the school for the aquarium field trip tomorrow?”
“Come ooon,” Leo whined, dropping his head on the back of the couch. “Didn’t you already go to that aquarium, like, a hundred times? Also, welcome home, pops.”
“Then this shall be the hundred and first time,” Donnie bit back. He flapped the small piece of paper alongside his hands and looked at Splinter— there were stars in his eyes.
Splinter squinted at the paper as Mikey dug out the reading glasses that were buried deep in the couch. Dad put on the glasses and planted himself on his classic seat, and Donnie skipped after him, settling down next to his feet.
Leo had a disbelieving smile as he crossed his arms. “What makes fish so interesting, anyway? You don’t even like fish!”
Mikey knew for a fact that this claim was wrong. Donnie didn’t like eating fish, and even that wasn’t completely true. What bothered him were the fish bones that made the eating a horrible sensory experience full of unwelcome surprises. On the other hand, he wasn’t above liking fish sticks. And when it came to not liking fish as a concept, that wasn’t true either. Especially after the most recent Jupiter Jim movie —A Trip To The Mariana Trench— Donnie had a deep dive (pun intended!) into the ocean life in general. Mikey still saw glimpses of designs for aquatic research robots on Donnie’s screen from time to time.
“Ah, it isn’t just fish, Leo!” Dee leaned in and spread out his fingers, ready to count. “There are all sorts of aquatic life forms there. A wide range of organisms, from sea slugs to turtles, can be found!”
“And nerds. Don’t forget about the nerds.”
“I said ‘aquatic’, Nardo. Besides, you don’t get to complain when you are the biology enthusiast.”
“I’m enthusiastic when it comes to learning about humans and mammalians.”
“That’s classist.”
“Oh, is that a pun? Did my dear twin brother make his very first pun?” Leo got down on all fours and crawled towards Donnie. “I’m so proud of you!”
Donnie tried to free himself as Leo clung to him. “I haven’t got the slightest idea as to what you mean,” he shouted, but it came out muffled because Leo was too busy stretching out his cheeks.
“Oh, I know you do, because then you sound like a sassy Victorian child.”
“Preposterous!”
“See?”
“Nardo— my eyebrows! You are smudging them, I’m— I will block all your devices from our Wi-Fi! And change all of your charging adaptors to the low-”
“Yeah, yeah. Just say cheese first.” The digital snapping sound echoed as Raph exited his room and promptly went to break the twins apart. He didn’t look impressed, though he couldn’t help but snort to the selfie Leo managed to take. Mikey snickered as he watched Leo make the said photo his new background —much to Donnie’s dismay.
“I suppose it means you won’t be going to the field trip, Blue.” Splinter gave the now signed paper to Donnie and looked at Leo above the glasses that slid down his nose. “Or you wouldn’t make such a fuss.”
“Wait, no! I do!” Leo scrambled to his feet and ran towards the stairs going up to his bedroom. “I do! I totally do! But I will go as a casual enjoyer, not a nerd!” His voice got muffled as he went upstairs and into his room, but got louder again as he made his way back. “I’ll be, like, so normal about fish! And slugs and turtles or whatever!”
Donnie raised his (now smudged) eyebrows to an approaching Leo with his own consent paper. “You just want to skip school.”
“Yeah, ‘cause I’m not a nerd.”
“Speaking of being a nerd,” Raph chimed in, “Mikey, did you study for your quiz?”
Mikey felt a cold bucket of water being dumped on his back as he stood up. “Dude, I totally forgot!” Because, yeah, he really did. On one hand, he regretted blaming his bad mood on to the innocent quiz this morning, but on the other hand, he was glad Raph knew about it and reminded Mikey of it.
The youngest Hamato gathered his stuff into his arms and scrambled off to his room. He felt kinda bad about leaving without a word —or heating up a plate of spaghetti for Dad, oh God, he really should’ve done that— but History couldn’t wait any longer. Because Mikey always relied on his short term memory when it came to History tests, as he just could NOT remember the details permanently, so it was time to cram now. Time to cram really hard.
He pulled out his textbook from the pile of, well, everything on his desk and turned on the study lamp. The lines of texts he had desperately highlighted during the lessons stung his eyes, and the doodles around the edges reminded him of how easy it was to just not study. He could really drop reading the same paragraph he had started three times already and… draw. Or listen to the podcast Leo had sent him a couple of days ago that he forgot to check out. Or maybe finally rewatch the cartoon from his childhood he had been meaning to start all over, man, that would be so nice-
“Argh, focus!” He lightly slapped himself on the cheeks and leaned onto the book in front of him. He had to study. He wanted to study. However, he could not study because his brain refused to cooperate.
He caught the sight of the time from his alarm clock and mentally winced. It was late and Adderall was really wearing off.
But that was no excuse! Because Mikey was determined, and if he was known for being one thing, that was being stubborn. Well, alongside many things, like handsome and friendly and— alright. Let’s get this over with.
He read the paragraph once again and finally managed to memorize the date (28th of June 1914) and the name (Archduke Franz Ferdinand of Austria). With this achievement, he gathered the courage to continue with the next page. He smiled in relief as he realized he did remember some details, actually, and maybe tomorrow’s quiz wouldn’t be a total disaster.
A knock reached his ears and made him jump in surprise, pulling him out of his precious focus. He grumbled in frustration but still, he yelled, “Come in!” in resignation.
Leo peeked inside before fully opening the door and stepping in. He made his way to Mikey’s bed and practically flopped onto it.
“So, my plan is to learn a little something about all the animals in the aquarium,” he started, spinning the phone in his hand like it was a fidget toy. “Because I know Donnie will rub everything he knows into my face. And I gotta have a comeback.”
Mikey raised an eyebrow, unimpressed. He knew the reason was actually that Leo did find those animals cool, and liked learning about them— but more importantly, he wanted to have something to talk about with Donnie. Leo often complained when Donnie would go into “Speech Mode” but everybody knew he was just as excited as Donnie when he could contribute to the conversation.
It would warm Mikey’s heart if Leo hadn’t just interrupted his deep focus. “And you need to do it here because…?”
He flipped his hair and sent him a look. “Because I can’t risk Donnie seeing my research, duh!”
“If Donnie really cared, he would find your search history with a single click, bro.”
“Yes, so let’s be quiet and not give him any hints.”
Leo's insistence on refusing to admit that he enjoyed hanging out with his twin brother (what a crime) was something that called for Dr. Delicate Touch, but. Mikey was tired. And stressed. And ready to choke someone because of the interruption.
He mumbled, “M’kay,” and returned his gaze to his book. His brain tuned back once in every few words, resulting in a static with random words floating around. Mikey tried to tie them together, make them make sense. But no, that wasn't happening. The gates of Focus had already closed.
“Oh, by the way.” Mikey snapped his eyes to his brother, who suddenly had a very odd air to him. For once, his gaze was cast down, on the fingers he was picking at, and his voice lacked its usual flair. It wasn't like him to appear reserved. Suddenly, Mikey had a fantastic idea as to what he was about to say. “Um… I've heard that one of your friends has lost?” rushed out Leo, proving Mikey right. “His twin brother?”
“He wasn't his twin,” Mikey corrected, almost immediately. Something in his voice made Leo look at him with a weird look in his eyes. “It's just… they were like twins. They were really close because they were barely a year apart.”
Of course they were. Hasan’s older sister was out of the state, a senior in college. His other two siblings were in the kindergarten and the crib, respectively. Having such a big age gap with the rest of the siblings caused them to be connected by the hip.
Personally, Mikey wasn't Hussein's friend, but he knew him. Hussein would tag along with Hasan when they met for skateboarding, or he would come to their class way back in middle school when they went to the same school. The shock of the death of a person that he personally knew was heart-wrenching. But it wasn't what made Mikey freak out at the moment.
It was the realization that one of the twins could die and leave the other one behind.
“Ouch, man.” Leo straightened up and reached for Mikey from where he was sitting. His fingers brushed the edge of the chair and tugged, pulling it towards him. “I'm really sorry. I heard some people talking about it at school and… I couldn't believe it.”
And he did sound sorry. There was no way in the world for Leo to hear the news of someone's twin dying and not reflect on his own situation. How that one day, either him or Donnie would die, and the remaining one would have to live with that fact. How the title of “twin” would be meaningless, because he would have lost his better half.
For a moment, Mikey wished them to die together.
For another, and a significantly longer moment, Mikey felt sick to his stomach for wishing for his brothers to die in any sort of context.
“Oh, Miguel.” Leo scooted over and pulled Mikey to his embrace, stroking his hair. Mikey wasn't crying, not this time, but he must've looked pretty awful even in this dim light to be pulled into an impromptu hug.
“No, I’m OK,” Mikey said, trying to reassure Leo. “Well, I am sad, but… It just shocked me, that's all.”
“Yeah, even I am upset, and I didn't even know the guy.” Leo huffed something that sounded like a humorless laugh. “Sorry to remind you of that, little bro.”
Leo didn't need to apologize, because he didn't remind Mikey of anything. Mikey hadn't forgotten about it ever since he heard the news. He didn't think about it constantly, but it stuck. Always on the back of his mind, whispering the uncomfortable truth of death. Buried down beneath the distractions Mikey threw on it, yet remaining there. Its presence obvious through the every little emotion.
Mikey knew very well that the more he tried not to think about it, the stronger the inevitable crash would be. So much for the therapist of the family.
“Do you want to, uh, talk about it?” Leo looked at him expectantly, while Mikey freaked out internally because is the twin telepathy so strong that it even applies to baby brothers?
“You know, I'm pretty tired.” He pulled back from the hug and stretched his arms behind his back and— ow, yeah, he was pretty tired. He gave a yawn, a pretend one that turned into reality pretty fast. “I think I'll sleep early tonight.”
Leo looked taken aback by this, his always carefully cultivated expression lacking from his face. He blinked a couple of times, but then put on an easy smile.
“Whatever you say, mi hermano,” he said, as he slid down the bed. “I should get going too— who knows, maybe I'll even catch some Z’s tonight.” He opened the door and threw a one last grin to Mikey’s way. “Good night, ‘k?”
Mikey simply stared at the sculptured grin. He felt like the world was sitting on top of his shoulders, and couldn't find the energy to smile back.
“Yeah, you too,” he mumbled, and watched the door close. Even though he took a glance at his open textbook, there was no way in the world for him to study now— with or without Adderall.