Chapter Text
It was a catastrophic situation. A cataclysmic disaster. A near-apocalyptic state of affairs.
Penelope Parker, of slightly above average height and significantly below average breast size, was officially a high schooler. And she had no-freaking-thing to wear.
From her perch standing atop her bed surrounded by seemingly every single article of clothing she’d ever owned in her life, Penny heard a sudden frantic knocking at the apartment door, followed quickly by the familiar noise of her uncle’s loafers lumbering down the hall.
The door swung open as the knocks were on the verge of escalating into bangs.
“Mary Jane? Where’s the fire, kid?”
“Hi, Ben. I’m here to save Penny.”
“What’s wrong with —”
“Oh, thank god!” Penny had already leapt off her bed and dashed out her bedroom door. She skidded right down the hall and into her best friend’s arms. “I was just about to text you! How did you know?”
“Penelope, please,” Mary Jane scoffed as she tossed back her fiery mane of hair. “You’re more predictable than a Hallmark movie. Now, take me to your fashion crisis.”
“Fashion crisis,” Uncle Ben repeated flatly as the two girls went racing up the hall.
Aunt May emerged from the kitchen, pressed a coffee mug into her husband’s hands, and kissed him on the cheek. “Welcome to having a teenage girl, dear.”
...
Mary Jane clapped her hands together. “First things first: is there anything you own that’s not a sweater or a graphic tee?”
Penny quickly performed a mental inventory of her wardrobe. “My first communion dress.”
“Christ.”
“Yeah, that was the idea.”
Mary Jane was not amused.
“I was thinking maybe I could steal one of Ben’s flannel shirts and put it over a t-shirt?” Penny suggested as she dove back into the mountain of clothes atop her bed. “Maybe with these jeans? Is grunge in or out right now?”
“Stop trying to appropriate my culture, Penny.”
“For the last time, MJ, flannel is not exclusive to lesbians and lumberjacks.”
“Hush,” Mary Jane said as she started to sort through the pile of t-shirts. “The straights have lost their rights to opinions on matters of fashion.”
“I wouldn’t say straight ,” Penny argued. “I would totally do Black Widow.”
MJ scoffed. “She doesn’t count. Everyone would do Black Widow. I’m pretty sure Aunt Anna would do Black Widow.”
Penny wrinkled her nose. She didn’t need that mental image of Mary Jane’s seventy-something year old guardian. “Ew. Gross.”
“Don’t be ageist, Penn. Anna’s still a hottie at heart.” Mary Jane held up a t-shirt that read This is not the droid you are looking for , pinching it between her two fingers like one of those little plastic bags people use for dog poop. “Do you have anything that doesn’t scream ‘nerd’?”
“Hey!” Penny screeched indignantly. “Stars Wars is probably the most famous franchise of all time. Liking it does not make you a nerd.”
“Penny, you’re a massive nerd. You’re taking a second science as an elective .”
“It’s robotics! That doesn’t count!”
Mary Jane threw up her hands. “I can’t work in these conditions! You’re gonna have to come with me back to mine. But first, put on the medium-wash high-waisted jeans. They make your butt look good.”
...
At Mary Jane’s apartment one floor down and two doors over, she reached into her closet then thrusted a Ramones shirt into Penny’s hands.
“MJ, this is a crop top ,” Penny said, scandalized. “And fitted .”
“Welcome to high school, Penelope.”
“I don’t have the boobs for this!”
Mary Jane rolled her eyes. “You’ll be fine, P. Kendell Jenner has no tits, and she wears tight crop tops literally all the time. Now get out. I haven’t finished my makeup, and perfect wings don’t do themselves.”
“This is a betrayal. A grave injustice. Why do I even try?” MJ lamented when Penny met her outside twenty minutes later wearing a cardigan over her shirt, the bottom half completely buttoned.
“I didn’t have a choice!” Penny insisted. “You think Uncle Ben would’ve let me out of the apartment otherwise?”
“Penny, you literally cannot even see any skin.”
“You can when I lift my arms!”
“And what? You’re planning to do calisthenics throughout the day?”
Penny paused. “I don’t think so? Honestly, I’m not totally clear on what calisthenics actually are.”
“No one is. Other than, like, CrossFit bros or whatever,” MJ told her with a dismissive wave of her hand. “The point is that you better take off that sweater, or so help me God-”
“Okay, okay, geez. No need to bring the Big Guy into it.”
Penny darted her eyes around nervously as she slowly removed her cardigan. Mary Jane let out a gusty sigh of relief as it slipped off her shoulders. Good Lord, her best friend was unbelievably dramatic.
Penny loved her so freaking much.
The walk to the bus stop and subsequent ride to school was uneventful. Penny gave a little wave to the smattering of kids she recognized. Mary Jane spent the entire trip whispering a running commentary on their fellow commuters' chosen First Day of School Outfits. For the most part, Penny managed to keep a straight face, but something about Jack Schlackman’s “middle-aged-accountant-mid-divorce” haircut nearly sent her over the edge.
Once they were at school, they set about hunting down their lockers. Their orientation materials had come in the mail a few weeks beforehand, but the shoddy hand-drawn map included in the packet was admittedly minimally helpful. They were assigned by grade then alphabetically by last name, meaning that, while Parker and Watson had managed to land on the same hall, they were unfortunately stranded on opposite ends.
With one particularly unpleasant barrier in the middle, as Penny discovered when she closed the door to her locker to reveal her own personal blonde-haired, blue-eyed, All-American nightmare: Eugene “Flash” Thompson.
“Hey there, Puny Parker,” he greeted with a shark-like smile. “Still no tits I see. Sorry, I know you were holding out for that sudden summer growth spurt. I was really rooting for you.”
Penny pressed her lips together and dropped her eyes to the floor. She’d known this stupid shirt had been a bad idea.
Mary Jane was not the type to be cowed, though. She popped up at Penny’s side — seemingly out of thin air — with a little spark of rage already burning to life in her eyes. “Think about Penny’s tits a lot, Flash?” she questioned.
Flash stiffened, clearly not prepared for any sort of comeback, but he recovered quickly. “Not nearly as much as you do, Rug Muncher,” he sneered.
“At least I know where the clit is.”
“I know where the clit is.”
“Your reviews say otherwise.”
“What reviews?”
“Come along, Penelope,” Mary Jane sniffed, gripping her by the elbow. “Time for class.”
“Hey, wait-”
“Catch you later, Over-in-a-Flash.”
He kept sputtering for a few seconds but pulled himself together just in time to call, “See ya, Scissor Sisters!” at their retreating backs.
“Ugh,” MJ growled once they’d finally turned into the next hall, “I hate him. Couldn’t he have gotten held back? Again.”
“You knew that wasn’t gonna happen,” Penny sighed. “The high school varsity teams were too desperate to have him. You know how it is, no star athlete left behind.”
“Yeah, it’s not like this is an educational institution or something. Who cares if he only reads at a third grade level as long as he’s good at playing with his balls?”
“Ew, MJ, gross.”
“Sports balls, Penn. Get your mind out of the gutter.”
Penny rolled her eyes as they came to a stop in front of Room 201. “Yeah, I’m the one with the dirty mind.”
Mary Jane smirked. “Glad you’re learning to be honest with yourself, babe.”
Penny huffed out a laugh. But her face dropped as she glanced between the classroom door and her best friend. “Well, this is me.”
Mary Jane’s smile softened. “I’ll save you a seat at lunch. Then we’ve got history with Mr. Anders this afternoon. And PE together tomorrow morning.”
“Color me stoked,” Penny sighed.
Mary Jane reached up to give Penny’s cheek an only mildly patronizing pat. “You’re gonna be fine, Penn. You know, most high schoolers don’t even bite. I’ve heard it’s mostly just the goth kids.”
Penny smirked. “Really? I’d heard it was the theater nerds.”
“How dare you!” MJ gasped. “Go, begone! I won’t take this kind of slander.”
“I’ll see you at lunch.”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah.”
And with that, she was gone. Penny took a deep breath, squared her shoulders, and walked through the door.
Homeroom was uneventful, as was first period Algebra II. Her friend Ned had waved like a maniac the second she walked into the room, as though she hadn’t spent five hours at his house over the weekend constructing a Lego replica of the Millenium Falcon. Penny was glad to see him there. The class mostly consisted of upperclassmen she didn’t recognize and, frankly, found kind of terrifying. But Ned, while a little on the high-strung side, was “a good egg,” as Uncle Ben liked to say.
They walked together to their lockers after class ended, Ned chattering excitedly at her side the whole way.
“-and apparently last year one student tried to add mini repulsors to his bot — you know, Iron Man style — for the fighting unit and they exploded! Like, BOOM! Can you imagine? That’s so cool! I hope we get at least one explosion this year!”
“I mean,” Penny said, struggling to shove her glasses up the bridge of her nose while juggling an armload of textbooks and binders, “I have a feeling repulsors are probably banned now. So I wouldn’t get your hopes up.”
“Oh, Penny, Penny, Penny,” Ned sighed. “You’re thinking too small. There are so, so many things with explosive potential.”
“This is Robotics I, Ned. We’ll be lucky if they let us handle all our own programming.”
“You know, they should’ve called you Nellie. As in Negative Nellie.”
“So you’ve said. I prefer Pragmatic Penny.”
“Yeah, yeah, I guess we’ll see,” Ned said. “What’s your next class?”
Penny glanced down at the schedule in her hand, though she’d long had it memorized. What if she’d read it wrong the first thousand times?
“Chemistry with Ms. Stevens,” she confirmed.
“Oof. I heard she’s kind of a hard-butt.”
“Heard where? We’ve been here, like, two hours.”
Ned fixed her with a pretty potent side-eye. “I do know other people, Penny.”
Penny didn’t press the matter — mostly because they’d already arrived at Ned’s destination. After she waved goodbye and promised to save him a seat in robotics that afternoon, she continued on to her own classroom.
This class was even worse than the last as far as unfamiliar faces went. It was an accelerated chemistry class typically reserved for juniors or particularly enterprising sophomores, but Penny’s eighth grade science teacher had recommended her. So there she sat, staring down at her notebook, doodling a series of concentric circles as the other students around her exchanged familiar greetings and stories from the summer. She was contemplating sneaking out her phone to shoot a text to MJ when a high, clear voice asked:
“Hi, is this seat taken?”
Penny’s head snapped up, and her eyes immediately locked on a figure standing above her. Framed by the light of the overhead fluorescents, the girl looked like an angel with her big blue eyes, pale blonde hair, and lacy white blouse. Penny’s tongue felt too heavy for her mouth. She felt like the connection between her brain and her vocal cords had been completely severed. It had been way, way too long. She needed to say something back and fast.
“Uh, I’m sorry, what?”
Good job, Penny. Beautifully eloquent. A great first impression, as usual.
But the other girl just laughed, quiet but bright. Not like she was laughing at Penny for being stupid and awkward, but like she found Penny amusing in an endearing kind of way.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you,” she said. “It’s alright. I’m prone to getting a bit lost in my head, too. I asked if this seat was free.”
“Y-yeah,” Penny stuttered. “Sure. Totally.”
The girl smiled again as she placed her bag on the floor and gracefully slid onto the stool. She tossed her hair over her shoulder as she turned to Penny, releasing a gust of strawberry-scented air. “I’m Gwen. Gwen Stacy.”
“Yeah,” Penny said, inhaling deeply. “Oh, um, Penny. Penny Parker.”
“It’s nice to meet you, Penny. Are you new? I haven’t seen you around before.”
“Oh, um, kinda. I’m a freshman.”
Gwen looked surprised. And maybe a little impressed. Though that last one might’ve just been wishful thinking on Penny’s part.
“Oh, wow,” Gwen said, “you must be pretty good at science if you’re already in this class.”
Penny shrugged, eyes darting back down to her notebook. “Uh, I guess.”
Gwen gave her another smile and a wink. A wink . “Well I guess it’s a good thing I chose this seat then. I’m sure you’ll make a great partner.”
Penny blue screened. A full system crash.
This was gonna make for an interesting year.
By the time Penny made it to the cafeteria, she was practically bursting at the seams.
“It’s official,” she announced as she slid into the seat next to Mary Jane. “I am definitely bisexual.”
“Good for you,” a voice chimed in.
Penny turned, cheeks flaming, to see a tall girl with dark, curly hair plop her tray down across the table.
“Um, thanks?” she squeaked out.
“Penny, meet Michelle,” Mary Jane said, serenely taking a bite of her apple. “We have Theater together.”
Penny glanced between the two other girls, watching as Michelle whipped out a copy of The Feminine Mystique and proceeded to ignore all the food on her tray except for the pudding cups, of which there were three.
“That’s…nice.”
“So, back to your Bisexual Awakening,” MJ prompted.
Penny hesitated. “Uh…”
“Relax,” Michelle said without looking up from her book. “Breaking free of cisheteronormativity is worthy of celebration.”
“Yeah, Penn,” Mary Jane concurred. “We’ll get you a cake. ‘Poles or Holes’.”
Penny cocked her head, considering. “That sounds like a bad gender reveal.”
“All gender reveals are bad gender reveals,” Michelle said.
“Speaking of heteronormativity,” Mary Jane began, “where's Ned?”
“He’s got third lunch,” Penny replied. “And I hardly think he’s a paragon of heterosexuality.”
Mary Jane scoffed. “He’s got a raging crush on Sally Avril, in spite of her complete lack of a brain and general bitchiness. That’s about as hetero as it gets.”
Penny conceded the point and started digging around in her lunch box. Generic ham sandwich, a clementine, applesauce, and — God bless you, Aunt May — a bag of pickle chips. Penny was digging into the latter with relish when Mary Jane let out a loud groan.
“Ugh,” she said, “speaking of paragons of heterosexuality.”
Penny glanced up and, of course, there was Flash, his girlfriend Liz on his arm and henchman Brian “Tiny” McKeever by his side.
“Good afternoon, ladies,” he greeted with a shark-like smile.
“Go away, Flash,” Mary Jane said.
Flash pressed a hand to his chest in mock offense. “Aw, don’t be like that. You know, I was just telling my friends here how amazing it is, the way the future cat ladies always seem to find one another. We were all wondering what your secret is.”
“Do you have a club?” Liz interjected with a sneer. “The Homely and the Helpless?”
“Or maybe you find each other by smell?” Tiny added with an exaggerated sniff.
“I’ve got it!” Flash snapped his fingers together. “You have some sort of mating call!”
Mary Jane just rolled her eyes. “Bet you spend a lot of time thinking about us ‘mating’, don’t you Flash?”
“Nah,” Flash said, his smile stretching wide, “fat dykes aren’t really my type.”
Penny saw the exact moment Mary Jane’s face fell — the moment when her usually self-assured and unflappable friend took his words to heart — and she had had enough.
“What the heck is your problem?” Penny demanded.
Flash turned his gaze to Penny with a sneer. “Your face, Four Eyes.”
“Wow, Flash, real original,” Penny scoffed, “but I can’t say I’m surprised.”
“I’ve gotta say,” she added, leaning forward across the table to stare Flash dead in the eyes. “Why anyone would care about the opinions of a guy who needed two tries to pass the fourth grade is beyond me, Eugene .”
For a second, Penny was legitimately worried that Flash was going to hit her. Sure, he’d been a dick for years, had thrown countless insults and jabs her way, had even ruined some of her things. But he had never laid a hand on her. He had standards — shitty standards, but standards nonetheless — and seemed to operate under an unspoken rule that none of the girls he terrorized got physically hurt.
Penny wondered if he was about to make an exception.
Then the fire slowly leeched out of his eyes, and with a shake of his head, he seemed to come back to himself. He turned to Liz and Tiny — both staring at him expectantly — and said, “Come on. Let’s leave the Geek Squad to their lunch.”
Penny wasn’t quite sure how it happened. Honestly, she was pretty sure the whole thing defied the laws of physics, but there was seemingly no force in the universe stronger than Parker Luck. Somehow, someway, Flash’s basketball shorts caught the edge of Michelle’s tray, which went flying across the table and smacked into Penny’s lunch along the way. Then into Penny herself.
She stared down at her chest, where Mary Jane’s Ramones crop top was now covered in pickle chip dust and chocolate pudding. And as seemingly every single eye in the cafeteria turned her way, Penny wasn’t quite sure whether to burst into laughter or tears.
Welcome to high school, I guess.