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What is this feeling?
So sudden and new?
Whatever it was, it made Galinda hide her new wand…the wand she only had because of….anyway, she had to hide it before she could see it.
And yet when Galinda saw her – actually, truly, maybe for the first time ever, looked at her – she nearly dropped it behind her back anyway.
I knew the moment
I laid eyes on you
But it was one thing to know it. It was quite enough to accept it. Believe it. Avoid distractions that wouldn’t let her face it.
Distractions that were getting harder to distract, the more she saw her dance. The more she saw her being snickered at. The more she actually let herself, maybe for the first time ever, look at her being snickered at.
The more she, for the first time ever, didn’t join in the snickering. Couldn’t. Because now it just seemed too…cruel.
And what did that make the girl who made that possible?
No. Now that was a step too far.
Right?
Galinda Upland, cruel? Really, Galinda Upland, beloved by all, hated by only people like…her. And even she had just….
Cruel.
No, it wasn’t, she wasn’t, I’m not…
….I’m not that girl.
Right?
The only reason Galinda was deludifying herself was because she did something nice for her.
Something she wasn’t obligated to do because she was a parent, or a friend, or a boy, or some other suck-up.
…in other words, like nothing anyone had ever done for Galinda before.
No, that only made it worse, and that’s not true.
Sweet Oz, it’s not like she was…something approachifying cruel the entire day! She even got her poor sister a date with that Munchkin Biq boy, and that….
….was only to get him off her back. But it’s not like her sister knew that. In fact, when she told her she must have made her sound like…
….and then she….
….and then she….
No. I’m NOT that girl!
….am I?
If she was only feeling this way because of guilt….if she would have just laughed and mocked her with everyone else right now if she hadn’t done something for her….something like that for her….even after everything else….
No, she had that split second of hesitation before she left for the dance! That counted for something! Just…
Not nearly enough.
I’m not….
I’m NOT. I….
I WON’T.
And then the next thing Galinda knew….she was right on the dance floor. With everyone watching.
With Elphaba.
With everyone watching her…try to look exactly like Elphaba. Like her dance moves, if absolutely nothing else. But still, enough to make her look like a laughingstock. To them. To everyone that mattered.
Except one that….didn’t. Right?
I’m not THAT girl.
And yet at this moment, she was. And she wasn’t stopping. She just kept going.
Even when her….friends?....told her to stop. And it really was the perfect way out.
She could claim it was one last big joke, right now. She could step away and be the life of the party again. She could go back to dancing with her future husband again. She could maybe….finish humiliating her enough that she’d leave and never come back.
Then it could all be over. She could have her room back…if not Morrible’s class. Either way, she could be THAT girl again.
That girl who would….who did….to someone who….
Well, even if Elphaba did that, she still did….she did….
….it had to be bad and annoying enough to justify this. Right….? Otherwise why did it make Galinda have to do all this? All of that before this…? No, it was all on that artich….
But Galinda knew – or just let herself finally admit – it wasn’t.
Maybe even if Elphaba had never spoken to Morrible, it wouldn’t have been…?
I’m not that girl. Even if…
But I can still get out of this…before Fiyero, before any of them can laugh at me like I…let them, MADE them laugh at….
And then she knew. Or finally let herself know.
No.
I don’t want it.
….I *can’t* want it.
Anymore….
Instead of saying all that out loud, in the one second it all flooded her mind, she told them with just one word. A word she’d used in the most pouty, high pitched, manipulative ways possible too many times to count.
But this time she said it more seriously – more meaningfully – than she’d ever said any word before.
“No.”
And then the rest of the world’s eyes and judgement, for the first time in Galinda’s entire life, faded away from her concern.
The only eyes she could see now…the only hands she wanted to touch…the only person she wanted to see her…was Elphaba.
And in two minutes that felt stretched into a lifetime, that’s exactly what she let happen. And it was….it felt…she felt….
Unlimited.
So much so that when she touched her face – when she let them all see her touch her face – she didn’t feel revulsion. Fear. A need to back away and put on a show to save face. A need to be what they needed her to be.
For this one moment, it only mattered what one person – somehow, even a person other than herself – needed.
And when she gave it to Elphaba…she finally saw her cry.
After all of that, Elphaba’s tears only fell when Galinda touched her. But somehow, they didn’t look like sad tears. Or fake tears. Or angry tears, or all the other tears Galinda knew how to use and work with. She wasn’t even hurting her – not this time.
You’d think she…she’d never been touched at a dance before.
Well, then again, she’d probably never been to….oh.
But even then, even if she’d never been out dancing, you’d think she’d been….
….right?
For all the annoying, aggravating and detestating things Elphaba had done, everything Galinda knew and cataloged and remembered in an…oddly very detailed way….she didn’t really know anything about her. Or maybe she knew enough to guess…things she never bothered to consider.
No, she had a sister! And a popsicle! It couldn’t….or maybe it couldn’t be anything else but….
When Galinda touched her face….held it….like it was just another normal face…
Had she ever been touched like that…just once…by *anyone*?
Yet when Elphaba’s hand – her green, clawed, thick hand – touched her in exactly the same way, a far louder question popped in Galinda’s mind.
….have I?
She didn’t answer. She couldn’t.
And yet unlike….certain other questions that popped in her head whenever it was too quiet, when there was no one and nothing to distract her with, when there was no one to worship her and she wasn’t fast enough to stop herself from….ugh, thinking, for longer than a second…she didn’t make herself push this question away.
Not even when she hugged her. Especially when she hugged her back.
Still, that should have been enough to stop it. No one was laughing anymore, they were all back to dancing, it was the perfect time to break away and go back to Fiyero…and yet she still left with Elphaba. Still left while holding her hand, even. In public.
She made up for it, that should have been the end. But she didn’t want it to end. Yet.
There, you see? I’m not that girl.
….and yet despite all that, something in her stomach pit didn’t seem to believe her. Well, maybe if she modiodified it a little, then.
I will *never* be that girl to her again. I promise…
Though of course, she knew she wouldn’t say it to her. Not in those words. She might say it with real sleepovers, actually maybe standing with her in public daylight, and stuff like that – but that was just as good. Much easier than actually saying the words out loud.
Especially words that, for some reason, were still lingering around her stupid rusty brain, like…
I’m so so sorry, Elphaba.
Elphaba….
And then something…new hit her. Something newer than all the other new tonight.
Something that might very well just fly out of her brain in a second. Like all those facts in Dr. Dillamond’s class. Most anything Momsie said that wasn’t about etiquette or which boys to meet. All those….other less fun words, questions and phrases she sometimes had to force out of her head at night with a good, or at least long, sleep.
Yet something inside her screamed to keep this word close. Remember it at some point, maybe even say it at some point, no matter what it made her feel like. No matter how much faster she found herself racing back to the dorms, hoping the sound of her running and giggling would drown it out right now.
Even as their still entwined hands were impossible to drown out.
Fervent as a flame
Does it have a name?
….Elphie.
Elphie.
***********************************************************
“You think I want to care this much? You think I don’t know my life would be so much easier if I didn’t…”
Maybe Galinda didn’t know that, exactly. Not before now. But the rest….
There was that feeling. That terrible, less than fun, thinky feeling she really should have got out of her system by now. But it just kept coming. She just made it keep coming. Her and how she…
….made Galinda think maybe she did understand. At least the more she started caring about….
Ugh, maybe she really should have just let her go to sleep. Like everyone else. Except Fiyero and….
Well, Elphie didn’t have to cover her mouth and nose like that once she saw everyone else go to sleep! She didn’t have to make everyone else sleep at all! She didn’t have to spare Fiyero without having to plug his mouth and nose holes up! Just like…
Like Galinda didn’t have to follow Fiyero to that cage thingie after Elphie let her face go.
She didn’t have to volunteer to leave and help Elphie free this cub thingie. She didn’t have to tell Fiyero he should stay behind to distract the class if they woke up before they got back – or distract Morrible or the staff if they came in. He didn’t have to ask Elphie – not Galinda – in that weird way if she was sure.
Of course, Elphie didn’t have to agree either. She didn’t have to let Galinda leave with her or get on that bike. She didn’t have to start picking a fight once they were in the clear, the commotion that she was. She didn’t have to do all that or make her think….
Make her think so much she had to drown it out with something. “Do you ever let anyone else talk?”
Better her to drown it out with talk than Elphie. Her words just….weren’t as distracting. Not in the way she was used to. The way she….well, maybe not needed, but….
“All right then, talk.” God, even when she was giving in she had to…
Wait, now she actually did have to talk. Okay then. First words that came into her head would have to do. “So, our class isn’t dead, right?”
….well, that was just perfectified.
“So you’re accusing me of murder, now? Took longer than I thought.”
“No, of course not! But if those weren’t enchantificated poppies and they were only gonna put everyone to sleep….why didn’t you just let me sleep? Why did you try to….save me if they weren’t gonna hurt me?”
“I didn’t know they wouldn’t! I don’t know anything when this stuff happens! But if there was a chance it would hurt you, I wasn’t gonna….”
Oh.
Well…that actually seemed to shut Elphie up, anyway. Which would be much more satisfying if Galinda could get around to saying something back. A joke about her shutting up, or something light….something lighter than that, anyway.
But of course, Elphie couldn’t stay quiet that long.
“Look, I don’t know how to have….friends. I know I don’t know how friendship works. But stuff like that’s a basic part of it. Right? It’s not like your minions laying the red carpet out or clearing a lunch table for you, but…”
“No. It isn’t…” Galinda heard herself agree. But not in the way Elphie probably imagined.
Sure, her “minions” would guard her from social humiliation or dealing with rabble. But if they thought she was in actual danger, even if she really wasn’t….and sure, her parents had people paid to do that stuff anyway, but….
“Maybe I don’t have anyone who’d do….that for me. Maybe that makes me no different than….”
Than you. She probably should have said out loud but didn’t. Or maybe that was rude now.
Maybe she really didn’t know how friendship worked. Real friendship worked. Not any more than Elphie did. Or thought she didn’t.
Because from where Galinda was sitting….right next to her by a creek with a stolen lion cub….she looked….
“Well….I never had anyone who would have done something like this with me….for me….before, either. So don’t worry, that makes us even again.”
….and yet that didn’t stop Galinda’s worries. Not in the way Elphie understood. As if Galinda had any idea of understanding herself.
….so she told herself.
But all she told Elphie, before she could stop herself, was, “Well, after that show, it’ll take me 1,000 sorcery classes to be even with you. I mean, now that I know it wasn’t gonna kill me, I guess it was kinda…”
“Weird? Chaotic? Unbecoming of a future popular girl?”
“….amazing.”
….okay, maybe that was meant to stay in her brain only. Even if….that didn’t make it any less true.
Well, from a distance, anyway. On a technical level, she supposed…in any case, as long as these displays weren’t hurting her or giving her things like a…a roommate….
Yeah. Maybe on that little tiny level it was….she was…
Of course, it was probably something Morrible told her all the time anyway. Though if she knew just how none of it remotely sounded like that – or made Elphaba feel like that in a way no one ever came close to….
She still probably wouldn’t have turned away in time before Elphie touched her face. Again.
She still probably would have forgotten to freak out when she pointed out there was a cut on her face. She still might have been too busy freaking out inside about….other things….
Especially when once again, Elphie looked at her like that….like she saw….Galinda.
And when she did…it still only made her look at her fonder anyway.
Not like a minion. Or a friend. Or even a parent. Or even….Fiyero.
….or any boy….
“I need to get to safety.”
Oh no. Oh, that definitely should have stayed in her head. Even and especially if Elphie knew….how she meant it.
Or how she thought she meant it. For a split second. Before she came to her senses. That’s all. Of course that was all.
“The cub!” she somehow made herself remember. “I should get the cub to safety now…”
She made herself block out anything Elphie might have said back. Especially when she heard the…tone of it for a split second, before she forced herself back up. Not an offended, usually off the handle Elphie tone when she thought she was insulting her. When she actually did insult her back then.
Back when she hated her. When Galinda knew she hated her. When she….
…told herself more than she probably needed to that she hated her.
But if she had to tell herself that…then….
Then…
No.
She picked up the cub, left Elphie behind and barely kept her “No”’s to herself this time. Even well after she was too far away for Elphie to hear it, magic or not.
Yet she kept telling herself no. More than she probably needed to. Or maybe not nearly enough.
Because….
I’m not THAT girl.
….right?
********************************************************
What was Galinda thinking?
No, no, Glinda, it’s Glinda now! Too late to fix it now!
Even if Fiyero could be bothered to care.
Even if she….
No, no, bad Galinda – Glinda! Sweet Oz, this was so….
But at least it wasn’t….
Not like in some mean way, though! There are people who are…like that and they’re okay! She’d never met a single one of them, as far as she knew, but maybe that just proved it! They dealt with it and stayed quiet, so she can too!
Besides, the other students loved it! She was adored by everyone again, if not….in any case, it would do like always. It always did. It always would.
….until it didn’t. Until Fiyero just walked away, without acknowledging her again. Until all who was left with her was…
….someone who should probably be mad at her.
There were some truths, or things that couldn’t possibly be true, Galinda – Glinda – couldn’t and didn’t need to accept. But she was working so hard to block those out, she had to let one or two unpleasantnesses get through, if only to keep her from breaking down completely.
One of which was that Elphie knew her. Truly, frighteningly knew her. Knew everything – almost everything – no one ever managed to see about her. Or ever really wanted to see about her.
And that included….Glinda herself.
So of anyone, she knew exactly what Glinda was trying to do with her little speech. She knew she was hijacking Elphie’s cause, for reasons that had nothing to do with that cause. For reasons that had nothing to do with that poor old goat, and everything to do with her.
The rest of them were fooled – or just never cared enough to know better. But not Elphie. Never Elphie.
And if Elphie – the most honest, most infuriatingly righteousous, most preachy and most….brutally honest person in all of Oz – could know that about her, while no one else bothered or wanted to bother…
It only left one conclusion. One Glinda spent many a sleepless night trying to make a sleepful night, if only so she could block it out a while longer. But it was at least easier to block out than other….things lately.
So this had to be sacrificed instead. In her mind, if absolutely nowhere else for the rest of time. When it came to the Galinda that Glinda made everyone else – needed above all else to make them see….
I’m not that girl.
All their praise back there finally wasn’t enough to block it anymore. Fiyero’s indifference only clinched it. So once Elphie, of all people that knew better and had every right to be angry over it, in this example more than any other, let her have it…
But she didn’t.
Oh, there was no doubt she didn’t buy it. Glinda knew every expression and shade in her eyes – in a normal way! – to know she was seeing right through her. Like she just wouldn’t stop doing until she made her think….no! Bad Glinda!
….*bad* Glinda. Right?
In any case….she didn’t look offended or angry at her. She knew every single look of her’s like that by now, and none of that was there this time. She just looked…not fooled, not convinced, not stupid enough to not know better, but…
Amused. Maybe, if Glinda squinted – well, not in public, of course – but if she looked close enough, there was…
Acceptance?
That couldn’t be it.
Maybe she was acting, if only because if she made a scene, they might not let her see the Wizard. But even if they threatened to take that away, it wouldn’t stop her from speaking out. Not her….not Elphie.
And yet she kept looking at her like normal. Well, not like the normal Glinda had always known until Elphie. But Elphie never did that anyway, so maybe it was normal. Maybe just looking at her like…like no one ever looked at her before…was her normal.
But that wasn’t really normal. It couldn’t be.
“He’s not even perfect anymore and I still want him!” Glinda tried to block the rest out by saying.
Had to tell herself to say perfectly, in those exact words – and pronouns – before she said it. Practicing lines in her head before she said it, just to keep appearances up, was second nature by now. But it had never been that hard.
And yet Elphie still looked at her the same way. Like none of it mattered. Like she knew how much it mattered to her…but it still didn’t matter to her. Not because she was socially inept or didn’t know any better – well, not just because of that now.
Elphie didn’t know so many things, beyond the magic stuff even she didn’t really know. But she still knew something only Glinda knew. Glinda didn’t know much – and never felt anything about that until lately – but she knew that much.
They both knew about Glinda….
I’m not that girl.
But maybe what else Elphie knew….was something Glinda couldn’t, wouldn’t, let herself dare to believe. Or let herself dare that she wanted to believe.
I’m not that girl….
….but what if I don’t have to be?
She had to be for every single person she’d ever met. Every person who would only love or see value in her if she was…the girl she needed to be for them. But she hadn’t been that girl to Elphie for a single second, even after they became friends.
And even now, she made it look like...she accepted her anyway.
Yet she never accepted “Galinda.” Not like they did. She saw every part of “Galinda” no one else could ever, ever see. Like she never let them see – couldn’t let them see.
And yet even after she did….after she kept seeing the worst of her, even now when she knows she should know better….she still stayed and made Glinda dare to maybe, just maybe believe…
Believe in something she was never supposed to want. Never supposed to think was possible. Never believe was important. And despite all that, she dared for the first time in her life to think….to hope….
I’m not that girl….
….but she likes me anyway.
……
….but not like I might….
And THAT was where it had to stop.
Leaving EVERYTHING else aside, the fact of the matter was…Elphie was leaving anyway.
And when she did, why would she ever come back? Not to this place that always hated her till a few minutes ago. Not to someone who….foolishly thought she ever did.
Once she met the Wizard, he would never let her go. And why would he? At least he wasn’t a total fraud.
He would see inside Elphie from the very start. He wouldn’t need to bully and humiliate her before he finally treated her right. He wouldn’t be afraid to care about her and lift her up, the way she always should have been. He didn’t ever need to hide his true self behind…anything.
Once he knew Elphie, he would never be stupid or careless enough to lose her. He would finally be the first person who wouldn’t be.
And maybe that was the very best thing Glinda could do for her. The first truly selfless thing she could ever do. For once, not stand in the way.
The very fact she didn’t remember to give Elphie her card, until it was almost too late, only confirmed it.
Everyone needed Galinda to be something or someone – whether it was the truth or not. But maybe all Elphie ever needed Glinda to be in the end, was a stepping stone. A footnote in her greatness to come.
One truly selfless enough to let her go.
“Come with me! To see the Wizard!”
….well, no one could be that selfless.
But Elphie clearly didn’t care. Maybe she never did.
….maybe for just this one day, that could be all that mattered.
*************************************************************
“I hope you’re happy!
My….friend…..”
In every world, every version of this story, deep down they both knew even then that they wouldn’t be. But in most worlds, that isn’t enough.
But in most worlds, the Wizard’s guards finally break through the doors right then and there.
In most worlds, it doesn’t take them 10 seconds more to crash through. And in most worlds, that makes all the difference in the world.
But in a world like this….a world where Glinda just has 10 seconds more to think…think like she never let herself or let herself want to think before…
A world where in between all that, Elphie still just keeps looking at her instead of flying away….making it all the more harder for the both of them….
In such a world where Glinda has 10 more seconds to look at Elphie. Look at her and let it sink in that she may never look at her like this again. Look at her and let it sink in that she may never be looked at like this again. Look at her and let it sink in that if they ever see each other again, it will never be this closely or maybe this fondly ever again.
Look at her and finally stop to realize what she would be losing then. Not just what she would gain by staying.
Look at her long enough, this one last time, to finally let herself remember….
You promised.
You promised you would never be that girl to her again.
And that’s exactly what you’re doing right now.
With that extra 10 seconds, it finally sunk in. With that extra 10 seconds where Elphie couldn’t turn away from her either, despite how she really really needed to….she remembered.
Remembered the guilt. The loathing. The cruelty she’d done to her that night. The kind she swore she wouldn’t do again – if only sworn to herself. But never sworn to her.
Never to someone who should have actually heard such a promise out loud, and knew Glinda meant it. Knew she meant it like she’d never meant anything else, because she didn’t. But there was supposed to be time to get to that.
There was supposed to be time for….
For the love of Oz, she offered her that time. And all Glinda did was give her a cape. Not even a dance – a cape. Something….someone….she chose never to see again….
Why did she do that? Why did she break her promise like that? Why was she doing it now?
Because she had 10 more seconds to think it over….she couldn’t remember anymore. Couldn’t care anymore.
But in another world, if she’d had just 3 more seconds to remember, it would have been a different story. Or the same old story, except drawn out 13 seconds longer.
Yet this isn’t that world.
This is the world where Glinda had just enough time to remember, yet not nearly enough time for one more second thought, that…
I’m not that girl.
I’m not that girl who leaves her. Who abandons her.
Not ever again.
And right before the split-second where she remembered what she was leaving behind instead….she opened her eyes and leapt.
Right behind Elphie. Right as she wrapped her arms around her. Right when she figured she would have gotten on her broomstick by now.
“Glinda?”
“Go before I can get off! Now, now, now!”
In such a world like that, those extra 10 seconds only now ended. Nonetheless, Elphie was still left in such shock, then with such….other soaring feelings inside…she still stayed on the ground on the outside long enough for the guards to reach her.
At that point, the story was back on more familiar territory. Back to a regular vantage point where the guards were dragging both of them away, and apart from each other.
“I’m the one you want!”
Yet in a world where Elphie finally knew, or was closer than ever before to knowing, just how much she was wanted by someone else….
In that world, her breakaway from her guards led to her grabbing Glinda away from hers. In that world, she leapt away with her broom in one hand and Glinda in the other.
In that world, Glinda’s shrieking as they crashed through the window, and fell down the tower, was thankfully less distracting than it really should have been. Thankfully, this was a world where for the first time, it was good the harsher voices Elphie heard all her life were louder.
And then all the hateful and annoying voices, past and present, stopped for good.
And then they were left in the dust along with all of Oz. Along with everything Elphie had ever known.
All – at least in this world – except one thing.
All except – at least in this world – that girl.
**********************************************************
But even in a world like that, reality has to crash in at some point.
When it finally does for Glinda, it isn’t one specific trigger that opens the floodgates. Perhaps it’s all of them.
Perhaps the escalating nights of sleeping in the woods, in abandoned shacks, in Animal hideouts and anywhere else that isn’t a suite, finally made it boil over.
Perhaps she’d finally seen one long thrown-out anti-Witch flyer too many in the woods that particular night. Perhaps she’d finally seen one too many of a very inaccurately drawn Glinda, being tied up and menaced by a very crudely over the top Elphie – further selling Morrible’s stories of a helpless Glinda kidnapped, imprisoned and surely tortured by the evil Witch.
Perhaps the fly suckling on her already well feasted on lower ankle was just the last one she could handle.
Perhaps weeks, months on end of failure after failure, aborted animal rescue after aborted animal rescue, anti-Witch mobs after anti-Witch mobs, and slander upon slander on both their names….well, one name above all….
All of it she couldn’t stop. Didn’t know how to make stop. Had never been taught, or ever bothered to learn, how to make such things stop. Not even when something actually mattered.
Not even for her.
It was a wonder none of it made Glinda scream, in her old childish fury, long before now. But it would be a greater wonder if that was the only breakdown she was long overdue for tonight.
The only reckoning she couldn’t distract herself from anymore. The only truth that had finally caught up to her.
Yet such worlds really were just a fiction.
So here she was, stuck in the one where she swatted flies away, under a barely lit fireplace, in yet another forbidden wood near yet another Animal hideout, keeping watch in case yet another mob or Wizard regiment planned a sneak attack.
And once yet another small, non-talking creature bit her anyway, the dam broke. So would have Glinda’s vocal cords, if she wasn’t at least screaming between her clenched teeth. Though that was still too loud for Elphie to stand.
“Keep it down!” she harshly whispered, thinking a bug bite was all Glinda was reacting to and nearly blowing their cover for. “Even if there aren’t troops here, we can’t risk someone else hearing us! You know that!”
“I don’t….” Glinda hissed out.
“Come on, you’ve been in enough woods to know how this works by now.”
“I don’t know….”
“Okay, I know your attention span’s….unpredictable, but –”
“I don’t know, okay?! I don’t know anything! Don’t you get that by now?!”
“Wait, what are you – ”
“I’M NOT THAT GIRL!”
Something about those words silenced Elphie. In a way that made her completely forget her concerns about noise and spies, from just a few seconds ago. In a way that maybe a calmer Glinda, a better Glinda, would have noticed. But this one was just too…too…
Too much of this Glinda. And that was the problem she couldn’t bottle up anymore.
“I’m not the girl who knows anything about sleeping outdoors, or anywhere outside a penthouse! I don’t know anything about fighting wizards, toppling governments, or really unfair teachers! I don’t know how to help someone who does care about that stuff! I don’t know how to make all of Oz stop hating her like this! Even if I’d stayed behind and tried to soften it up on the inside, I’d have just messed that up too!”
“….I gave up everything, and that’s still not enough! After all that, if I can’t even be the girl you need me to be, that you should be dragging around, fighting the world right now instead of….then, then WHAT GOOD AM I?!”
And just like that, all of Glinda’s uncharacteristic, almost Elphie like thunder died now. Giving way to a more typical, squeaky little series of cries as she slumped back on the ground and hid her face from the world. Or the only part of her world she had left.
For maybe another minute, anyway.
For her part, Elphie was still a novice on how to properly comfort someone. Someone other than family members who didn’t want it, anyway. Nonetheless, she still knew enough not to touch her or scare her off as she went through….whatever this was. But nonetheless, she still wanted – needed – to stay close enough.
As always.
Right now, she kneeled beside her close enough to at least hear her squeak, “I couldn’t even….but it’s too late now…”
“What? What is?”
Elphie willed her, without magic, to lift her head up. Only to almost instantly wish she hadn’t. Not if it meant seeing a Glinda with a face like that.
A face blotched with tears was nothing new. But everything that looked so….defeated and so….horrified around that….
And maybe for the first time, it was a face horrified around Elphaba that didn’t look horrified and ashamed of….her.
“Elphie…”
At that moment, Elphaba would take a thousand of those faces and their screams over this.
“….I am so, so sorry….”
Elphaba stopped herself from asking, or joking, if she was really that sorry over overreacting to bites. Despite all her further steps backwards in socializing while on the run, she hadn’t regressed that far yet. Though maybe that would be preferable to hearing whatever she was sorry for.
“….I’m sorry for offering to de-greenify you. I’m sorry for not closing the window. I’m sorry for….making your sister go out with a Munchkin just so he’d stop slobberfying over me! That’s why you got me into Morrible’s class! For something kind that was really awful of me! And that’s the only reason I wasn’t laughing at you like the rest of them when you….when you were there because of me.”
“….well, I knew that.”
“What?! But then why did….how could….Elphie, how could you stand to look at me?! I mean, I know its….oh sweet Oz, I can’t even brag about my face right now! And it’s not even because I haven’t had a salon day in months!”
“Do you see me looking away right now?”
“No, I just don’t believe it! Especially after….Elphie, why did you have to invite me to see the Wizard?”
“I’m gonna need to know how you mean that before I answer you.”
“I mean look what it got you! If I hadn’t told you to listen to them…if I didn’t, what was it? Grovel in submission? Then maybe this never would have happened. I knew you were ready to explode, and instead of standing by you, standing with you…or at least defusing you long enough that we could bought a little time, or figured another way out later, together…”
“I mean, defusing you is impossible, don’t start denying that! But maybe if I tried limitating the fallout without betraying you…”
“But you did stand with me.”
“When it was too late! Not when it could have made a difference! Too little, too late is all I’ve ever done for you! For anyone! When fighting the Wizard, giving you awful clothes you still somehow pull off….just saying sorry for ever making you think, making me think, that I hated you….being the most useless, powerless person to be stuck here with…”
“I just know none of this, any of this, would have happened to you if you never met me. And I’m just…so sorry you’re stuck with me now, Elphie. That’s all.”
“….is that what you’ve thought this whole time?”
“Look, I know I’m new at this thinking stuff, but I can take a hint! Again, not when it matters, but still!”
“….you stupid, stupid girl…”
“Okay, I know I agree with you, but that doesn’t mean I need to hear you say it! Not more than two more times, tops!”
“I didn’t mean you! Well, you too, but I….ugh! Did you really think….did I really let you think….”
Great, now Elphie was rambling and not making sense like Glinda too. It took this much prolonged exposure to her, but now here it was.
“Why do you think I wanted you to come with me?”
“You said we’d be unlimited together. But I can’t do magic like you, fight like you, or care like you do. I thought that was implied already.”
“Do you really think I wanted you to be anything like that?! That I just wanted you to be someone you’re not, like everyone else?! Do you really think you’re useless to me if you’re not exactly who you really are?!”
“….and who’s that?”
“Do you know the only reason any of this has been bearable, is because of you? Not because you’re Galinda of the Uplands! Not because you’re popular, or even because you’re good! I don’t care if you’re not fighting for the animals, or to bring down the Wizard, or even Morrible!”
“The only reason I’m still standing enough to do all those things, is because for the first time, the only time in my….cursed life…I know someone's there fighting for me too!”
….Elphie said as the look in her eyes, directly at Glinda, started to resemble….
….what Glinda always thought her eyes felt like when they looked too long at Elphie. A split second before they had to look away, before she could figure out…
“….but…” Glinda lost the power of speech, without any magic tampering. “But…but all of Oz…”
“All of Oz has hated me my whole life. They only just sound louder now. But the only thing that’s ever really drowned them out, even when it hated me too….was you. It’s still you, Glinda. And that’s why I couldn’t let you go, even when I should have….so who’s the awful one now?”
Glinda didn’t know. She wasn’t smart enough, composed enough, to know anything right now. And for once, she wished she was. Yet when some brain function finally returned, one more awful thought got through.
“….it’s not enough.”
“What?”
“You only think that because no one else has been halfway decent to you. You’re just settling for the first scraps of…hollow plastic you can get, instead of something better. Something truly worthy. Trust me, that can’t be enough forever. Not for you.”
“And what if I think it is?”
“You can’t! I mean….look at you!”
“I need to know what you mean by that right now.”
“Oh, you know I didn’t mean it like that!”
“Then enlighten me.”
“….Elphie, for once, please don’t be so eager to know stuff. Please…”
“You know that’s impossible. Don’t start denying that. On top of everything else.”
“I already told you everything you need to know! Let’s face it! I’m me and you’re…you’re…”
“I’m what? Say it. The Witch?!”
A good-sized part of Elphaba knew that wasn’t fair to imply about her. Not anymore. Not for a long time. But if something, anything was going to make her….her…
Elphaba didn’t even know what she was hoping to hear. Or see. Or let herself finally, actually hope.
But all of her guesses never would have come close to what she heard next.
“You’re you!”
Which wouldn’t have been enough on its own….if not for what she saw next.
What she saw in those clear, teary eyes. What she had to tell herself she really wasn’t seeing in them, all those times she felt her gaze all these months. Whenever she caught her forcing herself to turn away, she knew it wasn’t due to repulsion anymore. But it couldn’t be because of…
Because of….
Because of the exact same reasons she always made herself stop looking at Glinda too long too. Ever since Ozdust, if not longer.
But as much as she could lie to herself about what she saw in those eyes – and what she was showing in her own – there was only so much lying she could do. Especially now, when Glinda finally wasn’t making herself look away.
It was like she was making herself stand her ground. Like she did at the palace. Like she did at Ozdust. Like she did every day in between. All for….for her.
“Elphie…you’re you.”
As nonsensical as that might have sounded from anyone else, especially from someone with Glinda’s capacity for nonsense…Elphaba still understood every word behind just that one.
Or let herself realize she always understood it. She just didn’t, couldn’t let herself believe she heard right. Had heard right all this time.
But Glinda – always so much braver than she knew, no matter how she let herself and others make her believe otherwise – was making herself heard clear. And like every time when she actually let herself be heard, in her own unique words and as the person she really was….
….it was beyond any Wizard’s power. Real or faked. Well beyond her own, certainly.
“Elphie…what are you thinking?”
Whether she was going back to pretending she didn’t know, going back to playing dumb, or just honestly couldn’t let herself believe what Elphaba’s eyes had to be telling her…none of that could stand any longer.
“It’s just….for the first time…I feel…”
“What?”
“….wicked.”
But of course, even now, Glinda couldn’t just let her have the moment anyway.
“….oh, stuff it.”
Yet the moment Elphaba felt her small but fierce hand grasp the back of her neck – and then felt something else connect with her mouth….
Just this once, she’d let her have this one.
**************************************************
For everything this was, it would still be nothing compared to what was still to come.
Nothing compared to when Elphie wanted to free the monkeys from the palace – and Glinda decided that was how she would prove herself.
Nothing compared to her brazen idea of going back to Oz, pretending she had escaped from the Witch, making herself the new hero of Oz – but not for her own benefit. All for the benefit of convincing them to throw a ball in her honor at the palace, all so she could sneak Elphie in and have her free the monkeys.
All while everyone was distracted celebrating Glinda, and an audience she promised she could keep captive in her own special way – at least until Elphie returned to “rekidnap” her before her escape.
Nothing compared to the arguments – and other heated kinds of exchanges – they had until Elphie caved in. Even after Glinda argued maybe she could make it so the Wizard would be alone long enough for Elphie to see him, to take one last shot at talking to him while the monkeys got away, to maybe get through to him without Morrible’s influence – and to maybe prove those oddly longing looks Glinda swore she saw him give Elphie might mean something.
But for all the angles Glinda had covered, nothing prepared her for when she snuck away to see if everything actually worked – then saw the cage containing the speechless Dr. Dillamond. Then broke it open and couldn’t slow down his escape run long enough to guide him away from the Wizard and Elphie. Although to hear Elphie say it later, he interrupted them just in time.
But that was much later.
Much later after Captain Fiyero saw them all – and then let himself become Elphie’s second “kidnap” victim.
Much later after they failed to realize Morrible was too calculating, and too ruthless, not to realize by herself that Elphie’s sister was a valuable piece of bait – and that Elphie would eventually make Morrible so mad, being the Governor of Munchkinland wouldn’t protect Nessa from her forever.
And it was certainly much later after the tornado came. After Nessa died. After the human part of Fiyero died. After Elphie was driven so over the edge – for reasons that had nothing to do with either her or Glinda still loving Fiyero, as much as they both argued otherwise during that awful fight – even Glinda couldn’t hold her back anymore.
Not until she almost killed that poor girl. Not until Glinda made her final stand. Not until she corrected her newfound belief that she’d changed everyone for the worse. Not until the Witch was gone and Elphie was back for good.
Only for Glinda to lose her all over again.
But by then, too much had happened for Elphie to be so cruel anymore. Otherwise, she’d have never told Glinda her death would only be a fake one. Oh, she still insisted she could never come looking for her or Fiyero, of course – and she agreed at the time.
But after a year of repairing Oz, of finally finishing Elphie’s mission, and of learning where her true power came from….eventually she said then what she was finally brave enough to say all those years ago.
Stuff it.
Yet very thankfully, that callback was still a ways away.
Thankfully, at this moment right now, after Elphie and Glinda finally needed air, Glinda got enough of it back to mutter one thing to herself.
“….I am that girl….”
“What?” was all Elphie had the breath or brain power to say.
But Glinda surprised them both one last time, lifting her head up to say something she likely meant to tell herself at first. Nonetheless, she finished it as a statement meant for Elphie – one that was perhaps always meant for Elphie.
One that was only waiting for Glinda to be true enough to say to Elphie.
“You are that girl.”