Chapter Text
Light Yagami lay in bed as he reluctantly inspected the magazine before him. It wasn’t like him to engage in such pastimes, but he needed to present a realistic explanation for why he was so cautious about anyone entering his bedroom. He turned the page. A woman in a pink bathing suit was sprawled out in a double page spread. The next one had blond hair. There was one wearing black, another one with larger breasts, one posing on her hands and knees. He sighed. It was all so tedious. He wanted to write more criminals’ names in his notebook.
How would a normal seventeen-year-old boy react to this? Light would admit to himself that he did not fit this description for multiple reasons. First of all, he was Kira and had the power to take human lives at will. Additionally, he was incredibly intelligent and had exceptional interpersonal skills. He was also not attracted to women.
This trait of his was slightly embarrassing, but its convenience far outweighed its twinge of imperfection. If Light ever felt the need to get married to keep up appearances, he would have an easy enough time getting some woman to fall for him. Being immune to love and lust allowed him to free up an exceptional amount of time, energy, and autonomy.
But now, it was a hindrance as he flipped through this magazine. How would the average classmate of his act in this situation? Light wasn’t sure. For all the time he had spent around his peers, he had never been in a situation where vulgar content was openly consumed. Maybe he should hold the magazine closer to his face to indicate his interest? Linger on some photos longer than others? No, it felt wrong. Whoever L was, they probably knew that he was faking. He needed another plan.
“Ah, I got tricked by the cover again,” Light said as he shut the magazine and placed it on his shelf.
He maintained a calm exterior, but internally he was quite frustrated. In his attempt to clear himself of suspicion, Light had likely only made himself appear to be more questionable. He sat at his desk and began to do his homework while brainstorming. Perhaps he could play the role of a closeted homosexual? That would explain his lack of interest in the magazine while giving him a reason to act like he was hiding something. It was also admittedly closer to the truth. Light had, on occasion, found himself capable of appreciating the male body. Still, the thought of sex had always made him uncomfortable and he wasn’t certain that he could give a convincing performance, even if he had a magazine containing male models instead of female ones.
Come on, Light. Think. He liked the idea of pretending to have a particularly sensitive secret. Especially with his father working on the Kira case, it could be advantageous to engineer a scenario in which the investigators would feel guilty for prying into such a personal matter.
As he solved another differential equation with a flourish, the answer came to him. It would be difficult. It would be humiliating. But he knew he had to do it.
“Light, where are we going?” Ryuk asked.
It was the next day, and Light was taking a different route than his usual path home from school.
Light sighed and glanced around to make sure there was no one in earshot. “I’m going shopping.”
“For apples?”
“We have apples at home.” Light paused. “In order to clear myself of suspicion, I’ll be trying to…play a certain role.”
“Cross-dressing?” Ryuk asked as they entered a women’s clothing store. “Humans sure are interesting.”
“Just don’t say anything,” Light muttered.
Light had done some research on women’s clothing before today’s excursion, but he still found himself overwhelmed by all the options. Not to mention how obviously out of place he was. He was planning on making it a short trip, though; he had already taken his measurements at home and would be able to quickly estimate if a piece fit him. If anyone asked, he was buying clothes for his girlfriend.
If Light was a girl, what kind of clothes would he like? It was a foolish thought experiment, but would contribute to the realism of his plan. If he wore anything too flamboyant, it might come off as obviously feigned. It was best to pick clothes that would suit his personality. He made quick work of picking out a few modest business-casual pieces before returning home.
As he undressed, Light felt acutely aware of all sixty-four cameras documenting his every move. He wondered if L would be reviewing the footage later or if he was watching him right now. Don’t think about it, he told himself. If he figures out I know I’m being watched, this will hardly make a dent in my status as a suspect.
The first outfit he tried on was a tan skirt with a white blouse. It was essentially a feminine version of his usual clothing. Embarrassment aside, it wasn’t horrible. The fabric was soft and fit comfortably. When he looked at himself in the mirror, however, he was repulsed. Light was attractive, but it wasn’t until this moment that he realized how much of his good looks were inextricably tied to his masculinity. In this context, his broad shoulders and tall stature were nothing but flaws, ugly things that overshadowed any hint of femininity that he might have possessed.
The next outfit was more tolerable: a gray dress with thin-strap sleeves, layered on top of a thin black turtleneck and black tights. He wouldn't call it feminine, but he looked somewhat appealing in an androgynous way. The layers seemed to draw attention away from his body, and the skirt was wide, creating the illusion of hips while hiding everything beneath. He wouldn’t mind wearing it for a little longer.
If there was such a thing as hate at first sight, it was a sentiment that Light would indubitably assign to Hideki Ryuga--not the celebrity, but the man who claimed to be L. Light first encountered him when they were in the same room for university entrance exams. The man’s disheveled appearance and his disgusting, disrespectful manner of resting his bare feet on the desk had stuck with Light since then. Now, Ryuga of all people had forced him into a humiliating corner. If Ryuga wasn’t L, killing him would reveal Light’s identity as Kira. If Ryuga was L, he would rest easy around Light, knowing this piece of insurance protected him. L or not, Light wanted Ryuga dead due to how frustrating the situation was.
“Hi, Ryuga!” Light smiled. “Looking forward to playing tennis with you.”
Ever since he picked up the Death Note, so much of Light’s daily life had become performative. Pretending to be a crossdresser when he was a regular man; pretending to be a regular man when he was Kira; pretending to be Ryuga’s friend when he wanted nothing more than to eliminate him as soon as he possibly could.
“Likewise,” Ryuga replied. He spoke in a monotone voice. “I hope we won’t be unevenly matched, though. I have quite a bit of tennis experience, and placed first in a national junior championship a few years back.”
“A national championship? Not in Japan, I assume,” Light said. He didn’t want to appear as too obviously prying into Ryuga’s background, but the conversation seemed to naturally invite the question.
“It was in England,” Ryuga replied. “I lived there for about five years. Don’t worry, I can be transparent with you about my childhood if you’d like. It won’t reveal anything about my identity as L.”
Light felt a physical pang of irritation in his chest. Not only did Ryuga immediately see through and thwart his attempt to gather information, he also used a very odd choice of words that got under Light’s skin. Transparent, Ryuga had said. Transparent. Trans.
Transgender.
Perhaps it was a coincidence, no, it almost certainly was one. But still, Light couldn’t help but feel on edge, knowing that if this man was L, he had been watching Light as he experimented with women’s clothes. It would be perfectly reasonable for L to use this information to put pressure on Light and extract as much information from him as possible.
“Heads or tails?” Ryuga asked.
“What?”
Ryuga took a coin out of his jeans pocket. “To decide who serves first.”
“Oh.” Damn it, Light thought to himself. This must be a test. Especially if Ryuga really is L, he’ll definitely analyze my choice and use it to help him determine if I’m Kira. Well, it’s simple. All I have to do is think of what Kira would do, and choose the opposite. Kira’s most defining quality is his strict, black-and-white sense of justice. It would make sense for him to have traditional values, which is more strongly associated with choosing heads. Therefore, the optimal choice is tails.
However, wouldn’t it be too obvious if I did the exact opposite of what Kira would do? But with only two options, there isn’t much I can do. What would Light Yagami choose? Perhaps tails, as a subconscious expression of his deviant behavior. But I am also intelligent and good at keeping up appearances. Besides, heads is a slightly more popular choice in general. It would be perfectly normal for me to select it.
“Heads,” Light said.
Ryuga smiled. “I thought you might say that.”
What the hell? Did he really see through my thought process? No, I need to calm down. He’s likely bluffing to make me feel uncomfortable.
The coin landed on tails–-a fortunate outcome, as it meant that Light didn’t have to decide whether or not he wanted first serve. Ryuga elected to serve first and Light simply chose to start on the side of the court that faced away from the sun, as it provided a clearer view. Despite this advantage, however, Ryuga’s first serve was a perfect ace. Light wasn’t even able to approach the ball before it ricocheted off the court and raced past him.
“Fifteen love,” Ryuga said. He stared at Light, then gestured at him with his racket. “Change sides.”
“Ah. Sorry.” Light was still processing Ryuga’s serve, and had forgotten to prepare for the next point. He jogged over to the ad side of the court. It was one thing to hear Ryuga speak about his tennis accolades, but a whole different experience to witness the slouching, scrawny man demonstrate such athletic prowess-–and while wearing jeans, no less. Light wasn’t impressed, of course, just surprised. Perhaps even excited to play against someone at his own level, both athletically and intellectually. It was normal for one’s heart rate to accelerate in such situations.
Light was prepared for Ryuga’s next serve, and returned it with vigor. As the match went on, Light quickly found his footing and secured a close lead. His mind was primarily occupied with how to protect his identity-–losing the match on purpose would seem unnatural, but to try too hard might make Ryuga draw similarities between him and Kira. That being said, there was no sure way to draw such conclusions from a tennis match. This game must have been proposed with some other purpose in mind, meaning that Light was free to give it his all. Very well then, Ryuga. First I’ll defeat you in this tennis match, then I’ll take down your plans of exposing me as Kira.
At the cafe, Ryuga placed his order of hot chocolate before turning to Light. “What do you want?” he asked.
“I thought we were ordering separately,” Light said.
Ryuga shrugged. “I can pay for us both. Don’t worry about it, it’s a small transaction.”
Transaction. Light felt a chill run down his spine. There it is again, that infernal wordplay of his. He’s mocking me, he’s definitely mocking me to gauge my reaction. No, even worse than that. He’s introducing the possibility that I am not merely a crossdresser, but a transgender woman. This would complicate things severely.
Light placed his usual order of coffee and found them a table to sit at. It would be fine. He’d figure things out. For now, he just had to focus on keeping himself from saying anything that Kira would say. Of course, it wasn’t exactly that simple. As his conversation with Ryuga went on, Light realized that the best strategy was to be honest about his deductive reasoning, even when it slightly increased his odds of being Kira. It was a delicate balance to strike.
“Your skills are definitely amazing,” Ryuga said. “I want you to join the investigation team. However, during the time we’ve spent together, you’ve proven yourself to be quite suspicious. It is likely that you are either Kira, or that you are hiding something incredibly important about yourself.”
Light forced himself to stay calm as he sipped the last of his coffee. Again, with those humiliating accusations! I shouldn’t be too surprised; I made the decision to take this route and now I must deal with the consequences. But still, Ryuga seems so smug whenever he brings it up. Like he’s toying with me. He thinks I’m pathetic. He thinks I’m disgusting.
For a moment, Light wished he lived in some world without consequences so he could reach across the table and strangle Ryuga with his own hands, Death Note be damned. It was a fleeting intrusive thought, however, and he quickly set it aside. He was better than that. He wasn’t a murderer.
“It’s normal for people to have secrets, isn’t it?” Light asked. “That doesn’t mean that I’m Kira.”
“That is correct,” Ryuga said. “Either way, I think we’d benefit from having you on the team.” He put his shoes on and stood up. “Thank you for meeting with me today.”
“Of course,” Light smiled. “I’m heading over to the train station. Would you like to walk together?”
“No,” Ryuga replied. “I’ve arranged for my own transportation. I don’t know how to use public transit.”
Light felt like he was going to be sick.