Chapter Text
Kris liked to think of themself as a strong willed, decisive person. There was little hesitation whenever they pulled those good-old classic Kris childhood pranks, especially when the victim was poor Noelle (different times, alright?). Hell, even the threat of getting a good whacking from Dess’ bat did little to stifle their mischievous streak. But they were proud of it, y’know? Made them stand apart from everyone else. Made them…them.
They also hesitated very little when Carol called them on that fateful night. What she offered was...too good to be true, it was a true opportunity to fix all their past mistakes, to finally set things right, to bring her back.
How could they possibly pass that up?
And all they needed to do was become a cage. Easy enough, they thought, their own body had already felt like one for the last 5 years. All they needed to do was to retract even further within themselves, to cut everybody off, carve out every little piece of Kris Dreemurr that still remained, until they were nothing but an empty vessel. Until there was nothing for something else to latch on to. Carol did not tell them the details of this arrangement, nor did she speak of what the parasite infesting them would be like, of what it would be capable of. Kris never said anything to her directly, but they suspected she was just as clueless as they were.
So it was that they went about lying to everyone they knew. Mom didn’t notice, she was way too busy drinking the nights away with that damn skeleton, pretending everything was just fine and dandy and they were all a big happy family (it’s not her fault it’s not her fault). Dad was still chasing the shadows of December and the phantoms of his failed marriage, living in some fantasy world where Mom still loved him and just needed to see the truth. Azzy wasn’t even around, because he left Kris, left his entire family for some big college over at Ebott City. He moved on, and Kris was still here.
Uncle Rudy had gotten sick, really, really sick. His smiles and encouragement and goofy jokes that somehow always made Kris laugh just weren’t there anymore. They missed him so much…
The less said about Carol the better. They were allies of convenience, nothing more.
But Noelle…
The two of them were almost like siblings, at one point, before, before the-
They studied together, played together, did most of everything together. They were inseparable. Even when Kris pulled one of their stupid mean pranks they always did for some reason, even when Elly went crying to Dess or Azzy or the grown ups or whatever, they always knew she would be laughing about it later, remembering how scared or grossed out she was, and just how silly she felt. She would then say they were both the bestest of friends and that they would be together forever. Forever.
The adults would sometimes tease them, they’d often say Kris and Noelle would marry one day. Neither of them really knew or understood the enormity of the act, of course, but they saw the movies and the soap operas. They had an idea. Kris would go ewwwww and Noelle would pout and whine and tell them to stop saying those dumb adult things, but none of them would dare deny it. They never denied it.
It makes Kris’ heart ache. Why?
They were all friends again. Mom and Dad didn’t hate each other anymore. Dess and Azzy were back together. Dess was back together. Uncle Rudy was recovering well, he couldn’t walk very much yet but he was healing pretty fast, and and, yeah, sure, the Holidays were fighting again, and Aunt Carol hurt a lot of people, including Kris, but they were trying to make it work. Aunt Carol was trying to make things right.
And Noelle was happy. The happiest Kris had ever seen her since before Dess went missing. They knew the reason, and it made their heart hurt even more.
She was with Susie now.
Kris should be happy, they knew they should. Their two best friends were all happy together, and Kris thought the two of them deserved it, more than anyone. They really did.
So why did it hurt so much?
Kris knew the answer, instinctively, of course. But they would not dare acknowledge it, so they refused to.
They barely noticed as their body involuntarily locked up, and their breathing forced itself to steady. There was a shaking then, as they counted the numbers in their head, 4 in, 4 out, just like the doctors told them. It was a while before Kris fully calmed down, breaths now steady, sweat dotting their face and clinging uncomfortably to their hair. Thanks for that, by the way.
Your breathing was growing too irregular for my liking. Apologies, but I felt it was necessary to take the reins.
They meant it. Things were going down a path Kris did NOT like.
Your thoughts were scattered, I couldn’t get a grip on your emotions.
Yeah, one could say they were a bit of a mess right now, but no biggie though, just normal, everyday regular Kris things. Thinking about life and the past and stuff. And about their friends (whom they were really normal about, by the way, nothing to see there). Yep, no complicated feelings whatsoever, no siree.
Perhaps going over things from the beginning might help? It would aid in getting your thoughts in order, at the very least.
Seemed like a solid plan, but Kris had a…a lot of thoughts right now. Getting everything sorted out in that big noggin’ of theirs could take a while…
It is quite alright, we have the time.
Okay then.
.
The day they first found themself in the dark world was a day of many changes. As they trudged through the darkness with a familiarity they shouldn’t have, didn’t have, they found themself face to face with her.
Susie, the very same one who had tormented them for months at that point, who had made their life just that much worse.
She looked so goddamn cool.
Kris should have known something was wrong then. But much like everything they did the past 5 years, they filed away that strange little feeling, tucked it far, far away in some corner of their brain, and prayed it would never again come up.
They didn’t like Susie, not really. She was still loud and boastful and kind of a dick to everyone for no reason, but she took shit from no one, and Kris really appreciated that. They especially liked how frustrated it made the thing that was puppeting their body. It enjoyed being in control, and loathed the girl exactly because she wouldn’t be tamed, not by Ralsei, not by some cosmic parasite, and especially not by Kris.
But during their journey, she seemed to…mellow out, kind of. She was still a lot. But she treated Kris and Ralsei with respect, most of the time. She still made fun of them both quite a bit, but it was different now, it wasn’t something mean-spirited like she did to the other kids, it was like, something almost…friendly? Yeah, it was the light-hearted jabbering they used to always do to Noelle when they were younger. Like Dess and Azzy used to do…
They came to rely on one another after that. And even if rather begrudgingly, she followed that thing’s orders, and whenever she did, Kris felt some strange, alien emotion flooding their system, it almost seemed like…pride? Happiness? Kris could not for the life of them figure out the parasite’s intentions, and it made them uneasy. Whatever, it and Susie got along now, and Susie was friends with Ralsei as well, things were pretty nice.
.
It is during the church dark world when Kris starts to consider they see Susie as more than a friend.
Ok, maybe it was a bit before then. When they were goofing off at the diner, using their brother’s stolen money to pay for some treats (they’re not upset about that anymore, don’t worry), the chains suddenly slackened. It was a pretty weird feeling, Kris would tell you. It wasn’t quite as good as being rid of the SOUL in its entirety, no no, it was some weird, freaky in-between state of consciousness, like some distant, ethereal string was tugging at their being, suggesting, but not commanding them to do as it pleased. Alright, they’ll take the good with the bad, then.
All in all, things are going pretty well. They can finally talk as themselves for a bit (and pray Susie doesn’t notice the difference), and they tell each other stories of their childhood, of how Susie met Mom, little moments like that. But everything changes when it asks them to draw something goofy on the fogged-up window, and they decide to, for some inexplicable reason, make honest-to-god stickman drawings of themself and Susie beating up bad guys. Nice going, Dreemurr.
She laughs then. REALLY laughs, something loud and raspy and sincere and it makes them feel strange. Not bad, not bad at all, just…strange.
She draws something equally stupid on the window, and they smile, for the first time since…they don’t even remember since when, but they smile. Kris ignores that creeping feeling of inquisitiveness that isn’t theirs and continues adding to their drawing. Both teens take turns, making up increasingly ridiculous fake scenarios and painting them on the foggy glass. It was fun, really fun. But they grow tired of it.
Susie just sits there, head resting on her arm, thinking, smiling at them.
Her smile makes their heart skip a beat.
The church just solidifies it for them.
Standing in front of the fountain, she smiles at them again. A smile so beautiful it could blow away all the darkness, so bright it made them think that, just for a moment, everything was going to be alright. It makes them want to cry, to tear out their SOUL and tell her everything, the whole truth about the plan, the knight and the roaring. Kris knows their parasite wouldn’t even stop them. But they don’t.
Because despite what they might tell themselves, Kris Dreemurr is a fucking coward. Always was.
Needlessly harsh. You are one of the bravest people I know.
If they were truly as brave as it says, they would’ve spilled the beans at the festival, spared everyone they know and love a whole lot of pain and suffering. But telling the truth was the right thing to do, the hard thing to do. And when push came to shove, they never did what needed to be done. Not like it always managed to do.
You did the right thing in the end. You saved them, Kris, never allow yourself to forget that.
Yeah, Kris is a real freaking hero, they did the right thing after betraying everyone that ever cared about them, after nearly ending both worlds for the sake of bringing her back. And then, and then what? Everyone just gets to fucking move on? Susie and Noelle were living their lives, very happily away from Kris, they might add. What about Ralsei? He was a King now, ruler of thousands upon thousands of darkners that loved and cared about him, and, he could just visit the light world whenever he wanted now! They could all hang out together, just like old times (a few weeks ago, that is)! Fuck, even Berdly was doing well after figuring out he doesn’t need that stupid high-and-mighty persona he always used to put on, it turns out people can just like you for who you are. What a crazy thought.
…
Dess and Azzy were going to college together now. ECU, they think. She left Kris again. They just got her back and she was already leaving. It isn’t fair.
It isn’t fucking fair
You should speak to them of your grievances.
And let all of their friends know Kris was some goddamn ingrate? The kinda person that is jealous of others’ happiness, of their success? Absolutely not.
Then tell Susie, Noelle and Ralsei about your true feelings. These thoughts will rot you otherwise, Kris. Until you cannot even bear to look at them.
…
I do not think that outcome would be desirable.
The voice must’ve misheard, because Kris sure as shit didn’t say anything about Ralsei.
We share a body, Dreemurr…
Annoying. Especially because it wasn’t true, like, at all. Kris was willing to concede they may harbor some…complicated feelings towards both Susie and Noelle, but Ralsei? Nah. Well, of course they loved the guy, but it was totally platonic. A best friend kinda love.
You seem very unsure.
For its information, Kris was super duper sure. I mean, Ralsei was a pretty cool and considerate guy, he was the one who taught Kris to send their little inside voice away when they needed some privacy, after all. They remember the first time he did it, when they felt the noose uncoil for the first time, how he said everything would be alright and they would both find a way out of this, as a team. Ralsei always cared a lot, too much, even. Kris wished he cared about himself too, back then. But he was getting better.
Oh! And during that boat ride in Cyber City! Looking back, that entire thing was, uh, pretty weird.
It was clear Ralsei was trying to get closer to Kris, and holy shit, thinking about it after the fact, he was so coming onto them. Doubly funny considering it was trying so goddamn hard to keep things professional. Kris’ SOUL had this strange idea that Ralsei somehow looked exactly like Asriel (they were both Mimiga, and that was pretty much it), (their names are anagrams of one another, Kris…), and it wanted them to be nothing beyond good friends. Completely unjustified, considering Kris didn’t think of Ralsei like that at all, so it was all good.
Overall, it was an okay time. It was pretty funny how he got all flustered and awkward and how he kept messing with his ears. The end hug was nice though, Ralsei was a fluffy boy. Now that they think of it, Kris hailed from a family of fluffy people, but even still, Ralsei was different somehow, he was almost…warmer? More well-kept too, kinda like mom. They liked his hugs.
Oh my…
Not more than it did, though. Seriously, it hugged him like four times during Card Kingdom, hell, maybe Kris’ headmate was the one in love with Ralsei, eh?
I do-
It surely was, because the alternative was that Kris was the one in love with the guy. Which was scientifically proven to not be true. So there was absolutely no point in talking about how Kris thought Ralsei was overall just a really nice and friendly and cute and fluffy and-
I see reality has caught up.
Holy shit
What was wrong with them?
Like, what kinda person falls in love with all of their best friends? At the same time? Especially considering two of said best friends were already in a relationship? Ralsei was probably in one as well, now that he was like a big dark world celebrity.
It was over.
They had lost their chance. They had already spent hours sulking in their room, moping and marinating on these thoughts about their shitty life instead of actually getting off their ass and, I don’t know, actually doing something about it? Maybe being that one miserable friend, the person everyone compared themselves to in order to feel better about their own sad lives… yeah, maybe that was their true calling. Maybe it was better this way.
Kris didn’t deserve happiness, not like they did.
It had always been this way. Kris didn’t deserve it when the nice goat couple took them away from their shitty old home; they didn’t deserve it when Dess was gone and no one blamed them, instead they decided to coddle them like they were some, some fucking victim, and not the reason she went missing in the first place. And they really didn’t deserve it when everyone still forgave them after every nasty word, every betrayal, every terrible thing they did. Why? Why?
Kris didn’t deserve their love.
I don’t think that is true. And you don’t think so either.
…
You have sacrificed so much in order to ensure they got their happy ending. Why can’t you just accept they would do the same for you?
They would lay down their homes, their livelihoods, even their own lives for you, Kris. Do you understand what that means?
They all love you.
…
And sure, maybe it isn’t the kind of love you want from them, but it is love all the same.
Isn’t that beautiful?
All of those people, who have lived such different lives, some of them hailing from different worlds altogether, all judging you worthy of their love. Ever-so-willing to give you their everything…
And you know what, Kris? You deserve it. You deserve it and so, so much more.
You deserve their love.
They did.
They deserved their love.
Kris took deep breaths, feeling their pulse once more pounding in their head. Something was offered to them, some measure of assurance, assistance, but Kris politely declined. It had already done so much for them, the least they could do was handle this one themself. They gripped their sheets tightly, trying to think of pleasant things, to shake away their own self-conjured darkness. Kris’ happiest thoughts were always the ones of Noelle, of Susie and Ralsei and Mom and Dad and everyone that made their life just that much better by, by just existing. Much like the Angel did.
Their own arms suddenly wrapped over their own body, a gesture of assurance, of comfort. Kris never really cared much for hugs, but the Angel seemed to enjoy them. It had always been far more…physical than Kris ever was, one of the many things that eventually tipped their friends off to the divide that existed in their SOUL.
They felt something swelling up within them, threatening to burst forth, to overtake their very own being. Ralsei once called it an alignment, he explained that when two SOULs felt the same thing so very strongly, all of their shared emotions were amplified, turning into something nearly overwhelming. It was happening again.
All they both felt was love.
“Love you, always will. Hope you know that.” Their voice was raspy, mumbly and weak from underuse. They were getting better, trying to be more outgoing, more outspoken, but it was still a process.
“You, Susie, Elly, Rals, all of you. You are all the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Never forget that.”
“I love you too, Kris.” Another voice came out of their mouth, a far louder one, much more powerful than their usual deadpan. And yet…it lacked the usual confidence, it was shaky, heavy with emotion.
“It has been a privilege to accompany you on this journey, to see your growth, to be able to linger after everything…”
Kris hugged themself tighter, hoping to show just a tiny fraction of the appreciation they felt for the thing. One day it would have its own vessel, its own name, its own life. Kris would dream about that day sometimes, of them and Susie and Noelle and all the darkners and lightners having a big “welcome” party, full of ham sandwiches and games and stuff. Some days they thought those dreams weren’t actually theirs.
Relaxing their arms, Kris laid upon their bed once more, feeling lost. This little pep talk was…enlightening, it had helped clear their head a bit, they thought, but they still had no idea on how to actually talk to their friends about this stuff. Maybe the Angel could give them a few pointers?
Much to my disappointment, I have little experience navigating the complexities of polyamory.
Shame. It really wasn’t as much of a flirt god as it pretended to be. Meaning Kris was once again back to square one…
Unless someone could offer some advice. Yeah, that might do the trick. Kris began thinking on who could possibly be the right person to do such a thing. Mom? She would start gushing about her child’s newfound love and asking all sorts of uncomfortable questions Kris really didn’t want to answer right now. Dad was just…look he was a really cool and understanding guy, but with all due respect, he was never really much of a romantic person. Aunt Carol and Sans were absolutely out of the question, for hopefully quite obvious reasons, leaving only…
Uncle Rudy?
Well, from what the grown ups used to say, Rudy was quite the ladies guy (and man's guy, if the rumors are to be believed). However, the stories he used to tell Kris really didn’t conjure a lot of faith in his abilities. I mean, that whole key lime pie story, added to the infamous slap, oh god the slap, those tales really spoke much about his (lack of) successes, so was he really the best choice?
Despite his questionable seduction skills, Rudolph is a reasonable man. He could grant you some solid advice.
If the Soul really thought so, then Kris was going to trust its judgement…but, the moment uncle Rudy starts trying to give them the “birds and the bees”, they are instantly booking it out of the building.
Suit yourself. But I do believe some honest man-to-enby talk could prove beneficial.
…
…
Absolutely not.