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1.
“Fine!” Luke yelled, “If you’re breaking up with me, I can finally kiss anyone I like!” With a grumpy facial expression, he turns around to Tom, who is sitting in a rickety chair beside him. Luke grabs him by his collar and plants a wet kiss on his lips.
The crowd wolf whistles and applauds. In a matter of seconds, Luke detaches himself from Tom and looks back at Sam. Tom touches his lips lightly and gazes at Luke with amazement.
Sam is the one to knock the tallest out of his stupor.
While the blond kissed Tom, Sam had moved closer and fake-slapped Luke across the cheek once he had his attention.
“This is why I broke up with you. You’re always ogling horses on the street.” The pub’s small audience roars with laughter as AJ tags Sam out.
Tom knows it was actually his turn to tag out, but he was still a bit shell-shocked by Luke’s kiss. They had discussed boundaries, and he did not mind kissing the others. Otherwise, he wouldn’t have said yes to kissing. But normally, he has time to mentally prepare for a kiss when they play the typical university party games. This one came out of the blue. He wasn’t even in the scene. It made something in his tummy jump, and if Luke hadn’t separated so quickly, he probably would have pulled him towards him.
After a few more seconds, Tom decides to contemplate his feelings later, lowers his hand again, schools his expression, and pays enough attention to tag Luke out at a good time. The rest of the evening passes without any more spontaneous gay thoughts.
Were they gay thoughts? Tom lets the moment play again in his mind in a lull of conversation at the pub afterwards. He tried to push this particular train of thought down, but it keeps returning every time his brain isn’t otherwise occupied. Tom always assumed he was straight because everyone around him seemed to think that. So far, he hadn’t had cause to ponder his sexuality. There have been a few people, he would say, he has been attracted to. All of them had been women, as far as he knew. Although he never considered himself to have a type, in hindsight, most of them could be classified as tomboys.
Hmm, interesting.
“Tom, you okay?” Luke asks.
“Yup, just thinking.”
2.
The four of them are at some party or another organized by one of Sam’s acquaintances. Tom normally excuses himself from such big gatherings. Crowds and free-flowing alcohol, especially around uni students, tend to make him anxious. But AJ had been feeling quite down lately about the three of them graduating and thus not being able to see each other every day, so Tom made a compromise. As long as they stuck to the periphery and hung around where there was less noise, he could be the designated driver (or more accurately: tube chaperone) and humour his three best friends.
His last uni party. He didn’t think it would come so early. It felt like his first day as a student had been just yesterday.
AJ jolts him out of his musings. Tom had hidden out in the garden to breathe a little fresh air and escape the blasting music. He can still hear the thumping of the bass.
“Some people started a game of gay chicken, and Luke spun Sam — come look!”
He let himself be pulled by the more muscular man. Such pretty arms.
Tom laughs at AJ’s antics. They had seen Sam and Luke kiss plenty of times during shows, but games like gay chicken always seemed to make them exceedingly competitive. Their kissing became the show.
Currently, they are at a draw. Both of them have lost twice so far. They have a bet going: the person who wins 3 times gets to decorate the other’s graduation robe with whatever they like. Everything is on the line this time.
And Sam and Luke have tricks up their sleeves, pushing the other more than they ever had. Sam’s hand is flat against Luke’s arse, and in retaliation, Luke starts sliding his tongue in and out of the taller’s mouth when the two others arrive.
Tom looks at his two snogging friends with amusement. It is quite a sight to be seen. He loves both of them and holds them dearly, even if they behave childishly sometimes. Especially because they are this childish sometimes. Because that is them.
He enjoys watching them kiss. Not to be creepy or prying or anything, but they are both so beautiful. Exceptionally so, with their hair in disarray and a healthy blush across the apples of their cheeks. Do friends normally take pleasure in watching their friends snog? Should he be sheepishly turning away? But no, AJ purposely brought him here to watch the spectacle. If it is wrong to be doing this, AJ and Tom are doing it wrong together.
Meanwhile, Luke has moved on to Sam’s neck and is sucking a deliciously purple mark between the junction of neck and collarbone. Sam is making a valiant effort to fight back and is pulling on Luke’s hair.
The last straw is Luke licking the auricle of Sam’s ear. Tom can see the moment the blond decides on this trick. Luke opens his eyes and lifts his head from Sam’s shoulder. He has a devious glint in his eyes as he glances over to his target. Tom has seen that glint many times, mainly right before he sets one of them up to do ridiculous scenes, like an operatic barn dance. Sam looks at Luke with great confusion, his brain not processing the incoming information after being subjected to the sensation of Luke’s tongue on his neck.
Suddenly, the tongue Sam has been longing to return to its previous place is being dragged over the shell of his ear. It’s such a shock to his system that Sam jumps away from Luke involuntarily, and with that, Luke wins their game of gay chicken and therefore their bet.
Luke cheers and pumps his fists in the air. Tom claps and has a big smile plastered on his face. He would have been happy regardless of who had won, but he had to respect a game well played.
Tom’s clapping grabs Luke’s attention. He bounds over to the taller man, pulls him in by the nape, and presses a joyous kiss to his lips. Tom is surprised by the sudden attack, but instinctively reciprocates it. It isn’t long, definitely not as long as the previous kisses shared by Luke and Sam, but long enough to have feeling behind it. The blond separates quite quickly and engulfs AJ, who is standing next to him, in a buoyant hug. The force of which, despite AJ’s exquisite muscles, nearly topples them over.
***
That night, Tom lay in his bed, contemplating the evening’s events. If he were the one chosen to play gay chicken with one of his friends, would he put on such a show as the other three normally did? Of them, AJ was probably still the most tame and hesitant, but once he’s in it, you can barely stop him. AJ once even performed a full body wave on top of Tom when Luke had made them do Magic Mike as a genre.
Tom has never been as passionate as the others. Kissing feels nice, the soft touch of lips against his skin, as well as the warm, fuzzy emotions evoked by it. But he never really had an interest in anything beyond that.
His friends know that. The nature of their shows and their friendship confine them to that anyway, never wanting to get too graphic since there could be minors watching. Tom has never been picked for gay chicken so far, just for a couple of games of seven minutes in heaven. He wonders if his friends were the cause of that. They probably expect Tom to be the one to give up first.
Now that Tom thinks about it, he wouldn’t have minded being Sam, getting kissed by Luke all over, being pressed against the wall. Luke was a fucking fantastic kisser. AJ and Sam as well.
But he is unsure if Sam and he would feel the same things, even if in the same position. Of course, Tom would blush and have slightly muddled thoughts, just like Sam, but Tom wouldn’t be as enthusiastically reciprocal as him. He certainly wouldn’t have put his hand on Luke’s arse.
The thinking and emotional analysis have made Tom sleepy. But it was a topic that most definitely warranted further investigation.
3.
A couple of years and even more kisses have passed. Tom is about to finish his master’s degree in Shakespearean literature, and meanwhile, they upped the shows from every Tuesday to three times a week.
Tom had tried to explore more of the dating scene as the others also started pairing up, but nobody had stuck with either of them. He kissed some people during that time, even other men, and can now safely say he’s not gay. But not because he is straight or bi, but dating people he barely knows just isn’t for him.
Of all the kisses he had, the ones he had with his best friends have always been the best, regardless of whether on-stage or off. Granted, they very rarely kissed off-stage, but the kisses that were traded then were even better. Nobody had to put on a show and worry that hundreds of people could analyse it. Particularly now that they posted clips of themselves online. Somehow, the kisses always made it into the released footage.
***
“Shakespeare!” Luke shouts while pointing at an audience member.
AJ and Tom are paired in a scene playing Genre on a Thursday night. Ever since Tom chose Shakespeare as the topic for his master’s thesis, the boys, particularly Luke, had been relentless in choosing Shakespeare in every genre game they played. But Tom couldn’t complain. It had given him new ways to think about and interpret his plays, and gives him an added bonus of practicing his Elizabethan English skills. Since then, they had gotten significantly more lax about this self-imposed rule, but still chose it more often than before.
This was one of those times when Luke decided to tease him about his nerdiness, smirking at Tom knowingly. Luckily, his nerdiness was very useful in this circumstance.
„How couldst thou, Mathis?!” Tom exclaims, slowly approaching AJ with a smouldering look.
They had ended on a telenovela. It had started with the prompt of a traitorous best friend. During the telenovela, AJ and Tom had greatly upped the aggravated tension between the two characters. Perfect for a dramatic monologue.
“Thou foul beast! Not only hast thou defamed and humiliated me, stabbing me so oft in the back as to deem thee England's fencing champion, but when I returned to my chambers, I was mortified to find my favourite Luxembourger cheese consumed by thee as well!”
The audience laughs at the unexpected comment. Tom is now slowly advancing towards AJ with his slender pointer finger extended in his direction. He is staring into AJ’s eyes with such an intensity that AJ feels like his soul is being torn apart, examined, and sewn back together. The younger man has never been very poetic, so when this thought enters his mind, he decides to vocalize it instead of his usual awkward laugh.
“Thy gaze, which pierceth my own eyes, seems to render my very soul asunder, examine it, and stitch it together once more.”
Tom is surprised by his impressive use of Elizabethan English and raises his eyebrows while unerringly continuing in his speech and advancing towards the younger man.
„Yet, thou hast betrayed mine trust in the most villainous of ways, and thou shalt pay dearly for't.”
Luke pauses their scene when Tom’s nose is touching AJ’s, pointer finger digging into his muscular chest. My god, he's buff.
“Freeze!” Luke yells. “Wow, I think that was the best Shakespearean you have ever spoken, AJ,” he compliments him backhandedly. “A round of applause for AJ’s quality Shakespearean, please!”
Tom, being the one with the master’s degree in Shakespearean literature, is slightly put out by the choice of applause, but he must admit that AJ’s contribution to the scene was good.
As soon as Luke shouts out the new genre – romance – the younger man smirks. Tom barely has time to think about the meaning of that facial expression as AJ passionately kisses him.
They had been only centimetres apart before, so a kiss was the obvious choice with this genre. Still, AJ’s fast reaction and confidence catch him off guard.
After Tom gets over the initial shock, he sinks into AJ’s kiss. It had been two weeks since he last kissed the youngest man of their group (no, he wasn’t counting, thank you very much), and he savours the connection. He has to concentrate very hard on not moving his lips too much, more to prevent scaring AJ away than fearing accurate internet analyses, but in his focus, he can’t hold back from pressing his whole body closer.
All too soon, AJ pulls back from their kiss and clears his throat with a stunned look on his face, as if he recognizes Tom’s feelings of not wanting it to end. He is spared, however, from continuing their scene as Luke ends the game.
Next is Letters. He can sit this one out, then, that’s great. It’ll give him time to gather his thoughts and hopefully not overthink.
Oh shit, he has to compère though.
Even in Tom’s frazzled state, he is able to fall back into his improv skills and make a joke out of it. So much for not overthinking during his little break.
4.
Tom and Sam are playing Change with the prompt of a therapy session, Luke decides to compère Change to mix things up a bit and “keep their audience on their toes” as he put it.
Sam starts their scene. “Why did she break up with me? This was the healthiest relationship I had ever been in.”
He is pacing while Tom pulls up a chair and takes on an effortlessly relaxed pose with his legs crossed.
“Well, healthy does not equal successful. Can you think of no reason as to why it might have failed?” Tom responds, ever the problem solver.
“No, none!”
CHANGE
“I guess I can think of one.” Sam holds his chin in his left hand.
“What is it?”
CHANGE
“Is it that you are a bad kisser?”
The audience laughs.
“No!” Sam replies indignantly.
CHANGE
“I don’t think it’s that.”
CHANGE
“I’m really not that bad of a kisser.”
“CHAAAANGE!” Luke shouts aggressively
Sam finally relents. “Yeah, I guess that must have been it.”
Laughter, again.
“It’s not shameful to be a bad kisser,” Tom responds, one arm leaning against the back of the chair, the other gesticulating in Sam’s direction.
CHANGE
“It is a great shame that you’re a bad kisser.”Tom stands up from his chair, turning his back to Sam.
Sam has stopped pacing and is gripping the back of the chair, looking over to Tom. “What do you mean by that?”
“Err, I'm not quite sure…?”
CHANGE
Tom gesticulates nervously, “Well, it’s just that otherwise I might be tempted to kiss you.”
“And your only reason for not kissing me would be my lack of experience?” Sam inquires.
“Until today, it was you being in a committed monogamous relationship that was the main thing holding me back, to be honest.”
CHANGE
“Your ex broke up with you because of it, so you must be properly awful at kissing.” Tom shrugs.
“Fuck you.” Sam storms towards Tom. “I’ll show you how fucking phenomenal I kiss.”
Sam smashes their lips together as he grabs the taller’s face. Tom squeezes his eyes shut and grips Sam’s flannel for dear life as the whirlwind that Sam is crashes into him. The shorter man quickly graduates from just their mouths being pressed together and tries to find purchase on Tom’s lower lip, swiping his tongue along it, and nibbling experimentally.
After Sam manages to suck Tom’s lower lip once into his own mouth, they part slowly, both out of breath and staring into each other’s eyes.
“And?” Sam asks, a smirk on his reddened lips, “care to leave a review?”
Tom pauses, shaken from the kiss and searching for something witty to say. “You definitely must have had a different problem in your relationship,” he settles on with a crooked smile, his voice a little hoarse and shoulders hunched.
Sam responds with an indignant, “I told you so!”
“And, scene!” Luke claps.
***
“Was that a bit too much, Tom?” Sam asks when they are entering the green room after the first half.
“Change?” Sam nods. “No, that was great. You’re a damn good kisser. The force just took me a bit off-guard for a sec.” Tom was trying to balance being reassuring with not sounding too eager to snog one of his best friends.
Tom has figured out in the many years of being friends with Sam that he and sudden physical intimacy are a packaged deal. He had to get used to it at first because he never had friends like that, but now it had become one of his favorite parts of their relationship.
During that time, he not seldomly pondered if there was more to it than a purely platonic friendship. Being friends with Sam, Luke, and AJ felt different than any others he had before. They already stretch the socially acceptable boundaries for male friendships with their interactions on stage. Would it be so unreasonable to believe there is an undercurrent of romantic-adjacent attraction between them?
Tom doesn’t really bother with trying to figure out his exact orientation or identity or whatever you’d want to call it anymore. The closest he has come so far is demirose (having to have an emotional bond with someone before experiencing romantic and sexual attraction), but it just doesn’t sit right with him to confine himself to a small box. It’s great that others can find a sense of comfort in these terms, but it just isn’t for him, so Tom leaves it be.
He doesn’t know how his best friends identify or if they even like labels. As far as Tom knows, they have only ever had girlfriends, but that doesn’t account for any encounters outside of relationships they could have had. So they could be totally straight and think of their relationships with Tom and the others completely differently. He makes a mental note to casually throw something into a conversation to suss out the potential straightness, or, inversely, gayness. That will have to do for now.
4 + 1.
The four boys decide to have a cozy evening in after their afternoon show and watch a movie together. AJ is sprawled across the armchair in the living room, and the others are on Tom’s sofa. Sam is leaning against Tom’s shoulder, and Luke’s head is in Sam’s lap. The film is running in the background, but nobody is really paying attention to the detective solving the murder of a priest. Everyone is sunken into their own thoughts.
Suddenly, a warm feeling overwhelms Tom as he mulls over his relationship with the other three. Spending time with them, even without talking, just lounging in his living room, might be his favourite thing on earth. He is so comfortable around them, doesn’t have to put on any kind of show, and is able to say whatever is on his mind. This must be what true love is.
“Hey boys,” Tom speaks softly, “I hadn’t planned to confess this tonight, but if I don’t say it now, I don’t think I ever will.”
Luke lifts his head, looking curiously over to Tom and Sam lowers the volume of the TV.
AJ turns in the armchair. “What’s on your mind?”
“I-,” Tom hesitates, looking at his hands fidgeting with his shirt. „You three mean so much to me. You stand by my side, have had my back for over a decade at this point, and I feel like I cannot communicate that as clearly as I would like to.
“I want to show you how much I love you by making you dinner after a long day, noticing that AJ is exhausted after a show and making a cup of cocoa and cuddling on the sofa, seeing Luke is nervous going to a new restaurant and holding hands, being next to Sam when he has a nightmare and kissing him on the forehead and telling him a goodnight story. Y’know, all the little things. And what I desperately want is to kiss without it having to be a bit.”
Tom looks up to each of them when he mentions them, trying to gauge their reactions.
“It might be romantic or right on the edge of platonic, I’m not sure, and I’m fine not knowing, but I’d like to go that extra step in that relationship, whatever that means for us, if you even want anything like that,” eyes returning to his fidgeting fingers.
Tom laughs and blushes, embarrassed by what he is about to say, “And I’ve never wanted to really be intimate with anyone, but how could I resist you? You’re all so pretty.” He trails off at the end, not brave enough to look at the others after that particular confession for fear of rejection.
Sam is the first to answer. “I had already made peace with never going further because it’s so unusual to have such mushy feelings bordering on romance for your three best friends at once, I was sure you were never going to reciprocate them. But this time, I’m very glad that I was wrong.” He smiles reassuringly at Tom, who unconsciously relaxes his shoulders in response.
“I’m honestly quite speechless,” Luke says, having fully sat up from his previous horizontal position. “I don’t think I properly realized what I felt for you until you spelled it out, Tom.”
Luke looks contemplatively at the air in front of the coffee table, swinging his legs. “But now that you mention it, I really would also like to do things that others might consider romantic and without worrying what others think. And with all three of you, no less.” He blushes at his last sentence, thinking of his friends in more… compromising positions.
Tom’s anxiety has gone down somewhat, but what Sam and Luke have said only has such a great meaning if AJ agrees as well. Three heads turn to the youngest man on the sofa.
“What’s your opinion on this, AJ?” Tom asks softly.
AJ stands up from the armchair he was occupying, crosses the short distance to the sofa and promptly climbs into Tom’s lap. He holds the taller’s head confidently, leaning in, his intention clear but leaving enough time for Tom to pull away if he wanted to. Tom is finally the one to close the gap, although AJ quickly reclaims the lead in the kiss, pressing their lips together firmly and tilting Tom’s head to a more comfortable position.
AJ’s hands, that originally held the sides of Tom’s neck, are slowly crawling up into his hair and start playing with the dark strands. Tom releases a contented sigh between kisses, which AJ uses as an opportunity to deepen their kisses and experimentally swipes across the inside of Tom’s lips with his tongue. The taller grants the younger man access and just enjoys the sensation of AJ’s tongue exploring his mouth.
After several more moments of bliss, AJ pulls away and whispers, though loud enough so that the others could listen, “I’m not the best with words, so I wanted to explain that way.”
“I understand,” Tom responds, tracing his thumb along AJ’s knee, which he instinctively grabbed during their kiss.
Sam interrupts them with a smirk, “I don’t want to ruin the moment or anything, but that was kind of hot.”
The four of them burst out laughing. Sam’s directness reminds Tom of the telenovela scene in HUGE when he said something similar. He is happy with whatever label they decide to put on their relationship, if any. He just loves his friends, and they finally know what he means when he says it.