Chapter Text
A chore.
That’s what Alhaitham’s life is. A long, tedious chore. He was doing just fine as the Akademiya’s Scribe, but then that whole shebang with Azar and the corrupted sages made everything go sideways. Now Nahida has appointed him Acting Grand Sage and his workload has tripled. Alhaitham has always prided himself on the fact that he’s a logical, stable man. He analyzes. He charts. He’s a top-of-the-class Haravatat graduate, for Archon’s sake! So why is he so overwhelmed? Why is he drowning in work? Sure, he’s running the entire Akademiya, but that should be no excuse for a cool-headed man like himself. Is he losing his edge?
Setting his paperwork aside with a hefty sigh, Alhaitham decides to go home early for a change. He’s been working overtime too often, coming home when Kaveh is long asleep. Alhaitham moseys through the streets, not in any particular rush. Unlocking his residence and stepping inside, Alhaitham makes a beeline toward the bathroom.
Ew.
Alhaitham cannot make out the man staring back at him in the mirror. Is that really him? Eye bags, unkempt hair, he’s even losing his muscle mass. A little voice begins to speak up. Disgusting. Useless. Pathetic. Waste of space. Alhaitham heads to bed and attempts to sleep. It’s impossible. He trudges back to the bathroom and catches a glimpse of his razor, glistening in the fluorescent light, calling him. Something in him flickers. Maybe a punishment would do you good. It’s suitable for a man who can’t even take on a temporary position.
Before he can register, Alhaitham has a cut on his wrist. When did he grab the razor? Never mind that, why did he find the sting of it pleasurable? A second cut. Third, fourth. Each slice deeper than the one prior. Alhaitham thought he would snap out of it, but he finds himself drowning in his delirious pleasure until his vision goes blurry and his hand is moving on autopilot.
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Alhaitham wakes up dizzy, he must’ve passed out at some point in his haze. He looks around to find himself in his bed with no clue as to how he got there. He glances at the arm that he shredded up the night before which he discovers is cleaned and bandaged. Did he do that? He’s startled at the sound of someone clearing their throat and looks up to find Kaveh, cross-legged and visibly upset.
Alhaitham looks at his bedside clock. 13:00. He’d slept until afternoon. He opens his mouth to protest that he’s severely late for work, but he’s cut off before he can get out a sound.
“I told the Akademiya you’d be out sick.”
“Par—” Alhaitham clears his throat. “Pardon?”
“If you thought you were going to avoid me by working overtime today, I’ve already gotten ahead of you. Complain all you want, but you’re not going to get away easy just because you’re Acting Grand Sage.” Kaveh’s gaze is piercing. Through his furious front, it’s easy to see how distraught he actually is.
Alhaitham scowls. “Unlike you, I actually have a set schedule. I can’t postpone running the Akademiya.”
Kaveh opens his mouth to retaliate, but shuts it and takes a deep breath. “I’m not going to argue with you either. I like to think I did you a favor by not dragging you to Bimarstan last night.”
Damn it. Kaveh was right about that. Waking up in Bimarstan would’ve sent Alhaitham’s dignity and pride into the ley-lines. He shifted nervously. The silence was so uncomfortable, Alhaitham wanted to crawl back under the blankets and pretend the exchange never happened.
Kaveh speaks up again. “I also called over Tighnari so that- don’t give me that look.” Alhaitham looks away, eyebrows creased. “I told him that you had an unfortunate scuffle with a few hilichurls. I’d rather talk about what really happened one-to-one. He’s coming over to treat your arm beyond my expertise.”
Alhaitham hums. “I still don’t want—”
“Alhaitham, I don’t care what you want. Do you know how terrified I was? Walking into the bathroom in the middle of the night to see you unconscious and slumped over in front of the tub? You were pale as a ghost. You were bleeding. Do you know how much it broke my heart to see that razor blade in your hand? Had I not taken a class or two from an Amurta professor, I’d have thought you were dying.” The architect's delicate hands wave and flail every which way, exasperated and upset. After a moment of silence, Kaveh stood up and sighed. “Tighnari will be here soon. I have a client to meet.”
Alhaitham watched Kaveh exit his room. A persistent knock of guilt resides in his chest, pounding against his heart, choking it, choking him. Look what you’ve done. Look at the tension you caused. You don’t deserve his care. He should’ve let you bleed. Tears stung his eyes. Tears? Alhaitham was… crying? Was he losing his mind? He hadn’t even cried when his grandmother died, so why now? Why was he crying over something that shouldn’t concern him in the slightest? He’d never thought twice about himself because he was set in his ways. Why was he crying about what Kaveh might think? Why, why, why?
Alhaitham pressed his palms into his eyes, creating a barrier between his hot tears and his lap. He stayed like that for a while, focusing on his breathing until a sharp knock sounded. Hesitant, Alhaitham made his way toward his foyer and unlocked the door. There stood Tighnari, a messenger bag across his body. “Tighnari.”
“Alhaitham.” It was then that he squinted and his ears drooped ever so slightly. “Are you okay?”
Alhaitham looked to the side where a mirror stood propped against the wall, courtesy of Kaveh’s obsession with his appearance before meeting a client. His eyes were puffy, his cheeks were a dusty rose and his eyebrows were slightly furrowed. He looked like shit. Complete and utter shit. Never in his 26 years has he seen himself in such dismay. He turned back to Tighnari, “I had an unexpected allergic reaction.”
If Tighnari had his doubts, he didn’t express them. Alhaitham stepped to the side to allow the forest watcher entry and soon followed suit, swinging the door shut behind him. “So, your arm. May I see?”
The scribe extended his bandaged arm with hesitance. Tighnari grabbed it and peeled the wrapping off, and Alhaitham had to resist wincing at the sting. Tighnari’s face scrunched a fraction and his ears fell flat. “And this is all from a few hilichurls, correct?”
“Correct. I was on the way to Port Ormos and had an unlucky encounter.” The lie slid from his tongue easier than his breath.
Tighnari huffed as he opened his bag. “Alhaitham, you have a Vision. You have a sword. You spar with Dehya and Candace. But somehow your arm is shredded.” His tail flicked. “Unless you’re lying. If someone did this to you then Cyno would have to get involved. You don’t have to cover for anyone.”
Alhaitham’s heart rate was beginning to pick up. “Nobody did this to me, Tighnari. It was an unexpected ambush while I was momentarily distracted. That’s all.” Tighnari was not stupid, he was well aware. If he was going to lie he’d need details. Enough details to fool Tighnari but not too many that he’d realize an hour later. How would he do that? He can’t think right now. Why did he ever try—
An agonizingly sharp sting snapped Alhaitham out of his spiral, and he had to bite back a string of swears. Instead, he clenched his fist to which Tighnari muttered a stern “don’t do that.”
It was silent. Uncomfortably so. Alhaitham knew something was swirling in the watcher’s head, he could tell by the occasional twitch of his left ear and a subtle flick of his tail. It made him nervous, which was very unlike him, but everything about him has been off. The voice rang in his head. You’re a disgusting liar. You can’t even trust your own companions! How pathetic can you be? It gave him a headache. He squeezed his eyes shut, focusing on Tighnari’s movements, imagining each step. He focused on his breathing, focused on his lungs, and imagined the spongy structure absorbing oxygen. He imagined the Amurta professor giving the lesson on human organs back in his Akademiya days. He remembered the Akademiya, Kaveh, and their thesis. He remembered their argument, the way Kaveh’s tears fell, the way he ran. He remembered how miserable he felt, how he wanted to die. He remembered how he still does.
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“...tham. Al-hai-tham!” The voice in front of him snapped him out of his second spiral. Tighnari stared at him with great concern. “Are you sure you’re okay? Your whole demeanor has been askew. Have you eaten? You’re looking kind of pale.” Alhaitham looked at his arm to see that it’s been treated and rewrapped.
“I’m fine.”
“You’re not.”
“I am.”
Tighnari’s eyebrow twitched. “Will you at least let me brew you some tea? It’ll help you relax from…whatever you’re tensed up about.”
“Do as you please.”
A beat of silence. “Kaveh should be back in an hour or two.”
“Okay.”
Tighnari’s tail was swishing with agitation. “Alhaitham, I know we aren’t as close as I am with Kaveh, but we know each other well enough to at least talk one-on-one do we not? You know full well I can help to some extent, as you’ve come to me before. You are currently driving me up the fucking wall with how cagey you’re being. I know something is up, because not only do you keep zoning out, you’re also lacking your usual quips and remarks. Your voice sounds far away, Alhaitham. I know about these things, so for fuck’s sake, please tell me what’s going on.”
“I don’t know what you want me to say.”
“Oh come on! You—!” The watcher took a deep breath. “Okay. You don’t want to talk. I’m going to brew your tea.” Alhaitham watched Tighnari leave for the kitchen and his shoulders relaxed a fraction.
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By 19:00, Kaveh returns and finds Alhaitham and Tighnari sitting on the divan in heavy silence. Tighnari breaks it first. “Thank Celestia. I am out of here.” He slips past Kaveh without so much as a farewell.
Kaveh steps out of the way before turning to Alhaitham. “What’s up with him?”
Alhaitham nurses his tea, although it’s sure to have gone cold by now. “Beats me.”
A look crosses Kaveh’s face, but it disappears before Alhaitham can decipher it. “Have you eaten?” Alhaitham nodded. Kaveh nodded back. Neither one of them wanted to say the first word of the inevitable conversation. Kaveh tapped his foot, Alhaitham tapped his mug. Kaveh’s eyes bounced around the room, Alhaitham’s eyes took sudden interest in the ripples in his tea. “So…” Kaveh shifted his weight from foot to foot. “This is going to be a difficult conversation, I know, but please bear with me and my lack of comforting skills in this type of situation.” He sat down next to Alhaitham on the divan and gently took his injured hand. “We have to talk about what caused this. You can say it’s just a one-off thing, but you and I both know that will not be the case if this goes unchecked.”
Alhaitham couldn't bring himself to look at Kaveh, so he placed his mug on the table and gave himself a second to think. He knows he’s right. He knows that his other arm will face the same fate if he doesn’t snap out of this depressive haze. He knows that he will do worse if given the chance. “I…” He what? He can handle it on his own? He can’t. He knows he can’t. He doesn’t even know if he can try. He felt tears prick his eyes for the second time. “I don’t know what to do.”
“You don’t have to have a plan. All I want from you is to take some time for yourself for at least another day, okay? I’ll help you in every way I can. I want you to trust me, and I want to trust that you’ll accept my help. You can talk to Tighnari, or even Cyno. I know that they’ll care as much as I do.” He took Alhaitham’s chin, and gently turned his head to look at him. Alhaitham had a steady stream of tears flowing down his cheeks, his nose was scrunched and his lip had a barely noticeable tremble. “Oh…” Kaveh opened his arms for Alhaitham, and Alhaitham fell into them. Kaveh could feel him trembling, holding back sobs that were clawing at his throat. He felt tears welling up in his own eyes, but he kept his composure for the sake of his roommate. “It’s okay. You’re okay. You’re going to be okay. I’ll help you. We’ll figure this out together. Everything will be okay.”
Alhaitham cried harder into Kaveh’s shoulder that night than he had in his entire life.