Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

Spring, 2018

Cliff

Cliff wasn’t going to say anything to the guys. He really wasn’t. He was going to keep an eye on Roz and judge if and when to share that Roz was so catastrophically down bad for Jane that he’d fist fought Hayden fucking Pike in front of a cop, ended up in a holding cell, and was abandoning the Bears for some fuckass team in Canada. Cliff still didn’t know which team, but almost definitely not Montreal. Likely Toronto, maybe Ottawa. Either way, Roz wasn’t going to be a Bear anymore because he loved his Montreal Jane too damn much. 

When Roz showed up for practice the morning after a night in jail, Cliff expected him to be tight, angry, maybe a little embarrassed or heartsick. But Roz was happy during practice. It wasn’t his usual manic silliness either, it was just...joyful. This was really fucking happening, and Roz was psyched about it.

Cliff lasted approximately twenty more hours after that before he had to loop in his boys with at least a few details.

Sidebar (no Roz) + Connors (probationary) 

10:05am

Cliff: got an interesting call at 2am the other night

St. Vicky: oh shit
St. Vicky: from Roz?

Cliff: from Hollander

Carmy: SHANE Hollander?!

St. Vicky: wait, is that why you added him to the ppb chat?
St. Vicky: did Hollander pull some crazy prank on you or something?

Gravy: Hollander is in there now?!
Gravy: oh my god he’s so fucking pretty 
Gravy: i’m never gonna get added
Gravy: at least tell me I’m more fun than him

Carmy: oh, Gravy, you’re so much fun!

Hammer: remember Seb’s cookout?
Hammer: when Gravy didn’t know the brownies had mushrooms in them?
Hammer: and he caught like 8 garter snakes and brought them into Seb’s house?
Hammer: and Seb’s sister saw a bunch of snakes slithering toward her and jumped up onto the table so fast she hit a ceiling fan and got a concussion?
Hammer: and Seb yelled at Gravy until he cried and climbed a tree and we had to get a ladder and coax him out?

Carmy: like a little baby kitten!

Gravy: idk, I think that sounds like the kind of thing a party boy might do
Gravy: plus, I thought we agreed my whole sexting scandal thing was like, funny and crazy? 
Gravy: can I PLEASE get added yet?

St. Vicky: funny and crazy?
St. Vicky: Gravy, your catfishing bullshit was the stupidest you’ve ever been
St. Vicky: we straight up told you what was happening
St. Vicky: i’m literally going to tell the pretty party boys you did the stupidest thing i’ve heard all year 
St. Vicky: for real, we nominate the stupidest thing we heard all year and see who wins
St. Vicky: I'm nominating that

Gravy: if I win that can I join the chat?

Carmy: wait, we’re losing the plot
Carmy: Marly, why did Hollander call you in the middle of the night?

Cliff: so I could meet him at the police station to pick Roz up

Carmy: so it WAS a Roz thing 
Carmy: I thought we were good!
Carmy: did we know he was crashing out?
Carmy: he seemed good lately

St. Vicky: driving, drugs, or fighting?

Cliff: he got in a fight with Hayden Pike
Cliff: but according to Hollzy, Pike started it

St. Vicky: yikes, how bad is it? 

Cliff: it’s fine, no charges
Cliff: police report says pike and roz came in to give a statement 
Cliff: dont think it’ll hit media or anything

Connors: wait, what’s happening?
Connors: the snake thing was scary, haha
Connors: and the sexting thing coulda happened to anyone

Connors: marly, you’re talking about Shane Hollander?
Connors: why would he call about Cap, though?
Connors: and is the ppb chat the pretty boy thing gravy’s always talking about?
Connors: and since when do you call Hollander Hollzy?
Connors: also, Pike WAS after Roz at the game, did he like, target him?
Connors: and I thought Cap went home? Did Pike follow him or something?
Connors: does management know?

Gravy: PROBATIONARY, Connors!!
Gravy: that’s way too many texts 
Gravy: keep it up and see what happens, man

Hammer: anyone ever feel like Gravy policing Connors in the chat is like seeing the stanford prison experiment in action?

Carmy: LOL

Gravy: what?

Connors: the what?

St. Vicky: yes.

Cliff: wait everyone shut the fuck up for a second, there’s Montreal Jane lore

Hammer: !!!

Cliff: pike and roz were fighting because…
Cliff: PIKE KNOWS JANE

Hammer: OH SHIT!

Cliff: and he doesn’t think Roz is good enough for her

Hammer: oh…shit

St. Vicky: I mean, I get it
St. Vicky: like, Roz is obsessed with MJ but he’s still Roz
St. Vicky: and Pike doesn’t know him except by rep and on the ice

Cliff: Hollzy knows Jane too
Cliff: said that Roz and Jane are crazy abt each other
Cliff: which, we already fucking knew

Carmy: what’d Roz say about all that?

Cliff: finally fucking admitted he’s exclusive and in love with her
Cliff: said he’s gonna marry her someday

Gravy: I thought they went exclusive like two years ago?
Gravy: am I dumb?

Hammer: I mean, yes?

Gravy: no, like, didn’t they get together at last year’s all stars?

Cliff: they’ve been more serious since then, but I don’t think exclusive
Cliff: he’s calmed down but he’d still occasionally pick up this year
Cliff: …i think

Connors: but if hollander and pike know this chick, must mean my theory is right
Connors: MJ works for the Metros?

Gravy: FIRST OF ALL
Gravy: that was MY theory

Carmy: no, you said she was a Metros WAG
Carmy: Connors was the one who found a Jane on their social media team

St. Vicky: we sure it’s NOT a wag?
St. Vicky: it’s not pike’s girl, right?

Cliff: lol, i asked 
Cliff: ‘fuck, marly! i would never fuck same girl as hayden fucking pike!’
Cliff: like, relax, brother. no one is accusing your Jane of fucking the Metro's first line

Carmy: seems likely it’s social media Jane at this point
Carmy: how else would pike and hollander both know her?

St. Vicky: Connors, if you want to go off probation I have an idea

Gravy: no, we’re supposed to vote!
Gravy: you can’t make new deals!!

St. Vicky: drop social media Jane’s full government name in conversation and see what Roz does

Gravy: nvmd, that's fine
Gravy: Connors, do that
Gravy: then we can vote at his funeral

Connors: so, what?
Connors: if it’s her he kills me, if it’s not I join the chat full time? 

Hammer: sounds good!

Connors: i like hanging with you guys but idk about all that…

St. Vicky: I’ll sweeten it with an add to the pretty party boys chat?

Connors: deal!

Gravy: YO, VIC, WHAT THE FUCK??

Hammer: also, do we think Roz is mad I mentioned the hollander stripper in the party boy chat?

Carmy: wait, like, AFTER Hollander was added?!

Hammer: yeah, lol

Gravy: you want a double-funeral with Connors or your own thing?

St. Vicky: nah, Roz loved it

Cliff: I’m with vic, like roz’ll act mad
Cliff: but he’s so fucking proud of himself

Connors: you think he wanted Hollzy to know?

Cliff: yeah

St. Vicky: absolutely, it’s some psychosexual shit for him or something
St. Vicky: he’s prly been dying for Hollander to find out for YEARS now

Cliff: remember when he was fucking the admiral’s coach’s daughter?
Cliff: he was SO HAPPY when Vaughny brought it up at the game
Cliff: and the cup-year, he told that d-man in Buffalo that he was gonna fuck his ex that night

St. Vicky: I got a cracked rib that game 
St. Vicky: Roz gave me like four grand for the ‘collateral damage’

Hammer: he kept saying ‘cat who ate the canary’
Hammer: about HIMSELF!
Hammer: TO THE GUY whose ex he was meeting up with

Cliff: lmao, rozy is such a weird guy
Cliff: Jane must be a certified freak

Cliff: everyone delete that
Cliff: delete everything
Cliff: no one tell him I told you any of this
Cliff: he's been in a good mood and I don't wanna piss him off

St. Vicky: I’m gonna say something to him

Cliff: ?!

The Boys + Connors (probationary) 

10:42am

St. Vicky: CAP!
St. Vicky: tell me there’s a mug shot
St. Vicky: i wanna frame it for the locker room
St. Vicky: or at least send it to Pike

Roz: wow, Marly lasted…almost 33 hours
Roz: honestly, much better than I expected!

Cliff: no mugshot
Cliff: no charges
Cliff: no media
Cliff: my man’s a fucking BEAUTICIAN

Roz: was mostly Hollander
Roz: i think Pike and I would have had charges
Roz: but polite canadian boy talks to cops, calms them down
Roz: and me and marly charm the rest of them

Cliff: guys, Hollzy is so charming
Cliff: didn’t know he could be like that

Roz: marly has crush now

Cliff: on shane hollander? fuck yeah, i do
Cliff: i’m adding him back into the ppb chat
Cliff: no matter how many times Roz runs him out
Cliff: i’ll add him in again

Gravy: THE FUCK??

Roz: ugh, he is so booooring

Cliff: he's cosmo’s prettiest player
Cliff: that chat is his birthright
Cliff: and I know this sounds crazy
Cliff: but he's supposed to be roz’s best friend
Cliff: idk even know how to describe it
Cliff: he’s like...roz’s inverse

Connors: inverse?

Gravy: it means like, sick and old and frail

Hammer: LOL that’s invalid, dipshit
Hammer: inverse is like opposite but equal

Roz: oh, yes, I like this!
Roz: hollander is opposite of but equal to me 

St. Vicky: bizzaro world-ass rozanov

Cliff: no, man, you’ll see it when we hang
Cliff: their sense of humor is the same, it’s weird
Cliff: and you know how roz is like outwardly mean but secretly nice?
Cliff: hollzy is outwardly nice but actually mean

Roz: i am not secretly anything
Roz: nicest guy in the league, kindest hockey player there is
Roz: everyone knows this
Roz: what’s the X-word you taught me, hammer?

Hammer: xenophobic 

Roz: yes, everyone who says I am mean is xenophobic to Russians

Cliff: whatever. I’m rooting for a rozanov/hollander friendship 
Cliff: especially since you have a mutual friend

Roz: marly, shut the fuck up

Carmy: i wanna hang with hollander! can I get a vegas party invite?

Roz: yes, yes, you can come

Connors: hey, Cap?

Roz: yes, Connors?

Connors: Jane St. Claire.

St. Vicky: YO, WRONG APPROACH

Roz: ?

Cliff: jfc, con

Hammer: i honestly can’t believe you’re stupider than Gravy

Gravy: it’s so embarrassing for him, but it does help me get what your guys’s deal has always been with me
Gravy: like, it’s a lot

Connors: yes, I’m dumb but I’m pretty 😘

Gravy: yes, fine! you’re fucking pretty!
Gravy: for a sport where we get beaten up and slammed into walls
Gravy: everyone in this chat is so fucking pretty for some reason

Roz: who tf is Jane St. Claire? 

Connors: your…girlfriend?
Connors: who works in social media?

Hammer: lmfaoooo, bro, you had an out and everything...

Connors: in…montreal?

St. Vicky: RIP, Connors

Roz: no she doesn’t?

Connors: your girlfriend? she’s…not…the social media director for the Metros?
Connors: how do Hollander and Pike know her, then?

Roz: marly, wtf??
Roz: didn’t think i needed to say it
Roz: now you are telling everyone my shit? 

Cliff: shit, man, I'm sorry
Cliff: and I get you’re prly mad at me but let’s focus on what’s important, okay?

Cliff: Hammer told Hollzy about the Hollander-stripper.

Hammer: Connors requested staff information from the Metro’s organization to track down any possible Jane that worked for them
Hammer: he got in trouble with Bears management for it
Hammer: they thought it was for harassment purposes

Connors: Marly told me you’ve been in love with Jane since your cup-year, at least
Connors: said you almost killed yourself when she broke up with you and something about a tuna sandwich

Carmy: if we’re just trying to spread the Roz anger out then I should say that Gravy sent shirtless pictures of Roz to that Latvian guy 

Gravy: we agreed to no more Jānis mentions in the chat!

Roz: fucking stop it! all of you

St. Vicky: I’ve literally never done anything wrong, ever, soooo…

Roz: yes, fine, I love you, Vic

Roz: 1) marly, don’t tell these idiots my business. I will tell them eventually. I’m not mad tho, you picked me up from jail and are bad at secrets. It is fine.
Roz: 2) no, my jane is not social media director, she lives in montreal, works there but travels a lot for her job, which i will not talk to you fuckers about
Roz: 3) Hollander knew her before I did, Pike knows her through him. Jane is MAYBE hockey-adjacent, but fuck off I will say nothing else
Roz: 4) it is very funny that Hollander knows about stripper, he was angry and embarassed, i’m happy he knows

St. Vicky: called it.

Roz: 5) Connors, wtf? be better at stalking people or don’t do it
Roz: 6) Marly is right, in love since cup-year at least, but didn’t realize. It was a tuna melt 
Roz: 7) and yes, I saw in the fucking Reddit photodump, saw a picture of my ass too, thanks, Gravy. My Jane was thrilled

Connors: is he gonna hit any of us?

Carmy: make us run until we puke?

Gravy: make us get in his car and drive above 180 mph?
Gravy: b/c I still have nightmares about that

Roz: no? wtf?

St. Vicky: omg
St. Vicky: jane fixed him!

Roz: stfu
Roz: Marly did you tell them the other thing?

Cliff: nope, that's all you, brother!

Hammer: what thing?

Connors: what thing??

Gravy: Roz, what is it?

St. Vicky: tell us!

Roz: no, fuck you all, this is punishment for meddling 

Carmy: even me? but i am also always innocent and correct

Roz: Carmy, i added you to book club chat and you embarrass me

Carmy: I DIDN’T KNOW! 
Carmy: Bennett said the movie was close enough to the book that I could join the discussion about plot!

Roz: ROOM earned Bri Larson her fucking Oscar
Roz: is beautiful story of endurance of human spirit even in worst conditions, unable to break even when so bent and twisted
Roz: THE Room is…not that

St. Vicky: auclair sent me a screenshot of that discussion
St. Vicky: I literally laughed so hard I pissed a little 
St. Vicky: auclair still calls him "Carmy Wiseau" 

Roz: carmy was so dumb I was banned from adding new members
Roz: they thought I add idiot as prank

Hammer: okay, yes Carmy is embarrassing but WHAT'S THE OTHER THING??

Roz: I’ll tell you all when our season is over…maybe during playoffs
Roz: you are too nosy to be told my super-secret life plans

Hammer: 😢😢😢

Roz: but also, i love you all
Roz: and maybe is sad news for me to share

Connors: aww, love you too, Cap!

Gravy: you KNOW that love-you was probationary and you’re really starting to pmtfo

St. Vicky: ignoring the fucking grenade Roz just launched into the chat, I think it’s time to own up to the fact that we did some very real psychological damage to Gravy

Roz: yes, we should figure out how to walk some of that back, probably
Roz: but we figure out later
Roz: you fuckers are going to be late for practice
Roz: I want a goddamn cup this year!

Cliff: FUCK YEAH!

Roz: and after practice, poker at my house
Roz: best player gets to do tournament with me in Vegas 

Gravy: omg, it’s happening
Gravy: this is my chance, I know it is 

Hammer: Gravy, is this book at your reading level, or should I keep looking?
Hammer: [link to a book: The Bullied Brain: Heal your scars and restore your health!]

Connors: oh, Gravy, they're so nice to you in this chat
Connors: not like in the team chat
Connors: I get why you're so protective!

Gravy: wtf? people are alright to me in the team chat!

Carmy: they sure are, bud!