Archive of Our Own

🏒CENTAURS 🏒
July 6th 11:03 AM
Roz
Are we the best team in the motherfucking league?
Chouinard
Historically? No
Dillion
Not according to the rankings either.
Roz
Roz
I will try again.
Are we the best team in the mother fucking league?
Dillion
Yes we are?
Roz
Is it a question, Dillion? No. It is a motherfucking fact, so say it.
Dillion
YES WE ARE
Chouinard
AYE AYE CAPTAIN
Dykstra
DAMN RIGHT!
Young
Roz
Okay, so would the best motherfucking team in the league use slurs or say homophobic shit to teammates?
Dykstra
Who used a slur? I’ll fuckin kick their ass.
Roz
Good answer, Dykstra.
But no, the team is good. This is only reminder.
Holmberg
Is this because of the time I tried to give Dykstra a nickname and accidentally called him a mean name for a lesbian? Bc that was a genuine mistake, and I am really sorry.
Roz
No, you are forgiven for this.
Chouinard
I’m pretty sure he’s just making sure none of us are going to be homophobic assholes before he adds Lundin to the group cuz he’s gay.
Holmberg
Yo! We signed Lundin? I thought he played for LA?
Chouinard
They didn’t re-sign him bc they are homophobic cunts.
Wait is cunt a slur?
Roz
Fuck, what am I, English expert? I don’t know, but probably do not call any woman this.
Dykstra
I asked Cait, and she said it can be especially when a straight man says it, or “it’s directed towards women or a man being perceived as feminine and used in a derogatory manner”
Chouinard
Fuck man, Idk what half those words mean. I’m just not gonna say it.
Roz
Wise choice.
Holmberg
Wait, so did we sign Lundin? Fuck is it July already?
Dykstra
Dude it’s been June for almost a week now.
You good, man?
Holmberg
Idk man I’ve been playing a lot of fortnight. Didn’t realize that much time that past.
That’s really not a healthy lifestyle. Have you been keeping to your exercise and diet routine?
Holmberg
Hollywood, bro it’s summer.
You’re still a professional athlete even when during the off-season.
Holmberg
Eh agree to disagree.
Roz
Yes, we have signed Lundin, because we are best team in the league and not terrible and homophobic like LA Queens.
Everyone agrees, yes? Lundin and his boyfriend are to be treated like any other player and their partner.
If I hear any fucking homophobic shit, or anyone so much as avoids showering at the same time as him I will fucking destroy you.
He means he will deal with it professionally and through proper channels. Rozanov understands that threats of violence are also unacceptable in the workplace.
Roz
Eh sure.
Young
Is it homophobic to ask if he’s a top or bottom? My friend told me that shit is made up and most gay couples switch, but idk any gay people to ask.
Roz
No, you cannot ask him this.
Young
What if I’m chatting with all the guys and asking everyone if they like their ass played with? Would it be homophobic to exclude him and not ask?
This is a workplace, you shouldn’t be asking any of your coworkers that question.
Holmberg
What do you mean you don’t know any gays? We literally helped Harris’s family with their apple harvest last week.
And I already asked him, he says it depends on the person's preference 🤷 Like some guys are strictly top or bottom and others like to switch.
Young
Oh shit, I did forget about Harris.
Okay sick, that makes sense.
Roz
Maybe I should be more specific with orders, I do not trust you idiots to joke about ass fucking without sounding homophobic.
So, next person who makes ass playjoke has to help with team laundry for entire pre-season.
I already checked with the new Coach, and he has given me permission to threaten this.
Young
Young
Oh hell no! The other rookies last season were rank as fuck. I am not cleaning the new batches’s dirty fucking jockstraps.
Roz
Good, remember this.
If we have no more complaints, I will add Lundin now.
Ludwig Lundin has been added to the group.
Roz
Everybody please welcome our new defenseman Ludwig Lundin, who we stole from the Queens, like royal bandits.
Welcome to the team, man!
Dillion
Won’t lie I’m still processing Hollywood joining the team. How the fuck did we convince two of the Queens to ditch LA and move to fucking Ottawa? They literally made the fucking finals last season.
Ludwig Lundin
What can I say, Hollander and I are a package deal. Like cats that can’t be adopted separately.
Roz
We had him for months without you, so it is more like you are a cat who followed him home from bus stop, but okay.
Wait is Hollander still Hollywood if we have two guys from Hollywood now?
I’m not “from Hollywood” I lived there for four months. I am from Ottawa.
Dykstra
I mean yeah, but your name has Holl in it like Hollywood.
Young
LOL “Holl”
Get it, cuz it sounds like ‘hole’
Holmberg
BRO ROZ IS GONNA KILL YOU
Roz
Young
Wait, no! that doesn’t count as an ass play joke right? Fuck, please don’t make me clean the rookies jockstraps 🙏
Roz
Young, I will see you first day of training camp Expect to stay late.
Young
FUCK
Ludwig Lundin
Am I not allowed to make ass play jokes either or is that just a rule for the straights?
Roz
You can say whatever you want about assplay.
Young
Would it be homophobic to pretend to be gay to get out of work?
Roz
Yes.
Young
Damn.
Ludwig Lundin
This season is going to be sick 😂
Hayes
It’s great you have you, man!
You too, Lundin! You’re a sick player, and were so underutilized on the Queens. We’re psyched to have you!
Ludwig Lundin
Thanks, man 😎
Zane Boodram
Lundin, you have a partner, right? My wife Cassie runs a Facebook messenger group chat for the spouses and partners of the players, and she and the other SAP’s have been asking to get your boyfriend’s info since the announcement.
Ludwig Lundin
Really?
Bood
Of course, man.
Ludwig Lundin
I’ll check with him, but he’s said he’d want to join a WAGS chat before, so I think he’d totally be keen.
Bood
Sweet.
Chouinard
Hey, Hollywood, do you have a partner you want to add to the SAPS chat?
Bood
Dude, I already asked when he joined last season.
Chouinard
Yeah, but you know…now that he knows us better, maybe he and his girlfriend will be more comfortable joining?
Okay, I’m dogshit at being subtle. My wife says you and Rose Landry were seen hanging out last week so the breakup rumours are a bust. Can you please add your movie star girlfriend to the chat so my wife stops bugging me about it?
Wish I could help, but Rose and I are only friends.
Chouinard
Dude.
No guy is “only friends” with a girl like Rose Landry. No straight guy anyway 😂
Hayes
Nick…
Chouinard
Wait, fuck I didn’t mean it like that. Obviously, Hollywood is straight, but it would be cool with me if he weren’t. My wife’s bi, I’m totally cool with gay people.
It’s cool, man.
I have a girlfriend actually.

Lundin
11:26 AM
BRO
One missed call
You have an addiction to the closet istg
No but fr if you need me to distract them or pretend I’ve met your very real heterosexual girlfriend, just let me know.

Lily
11:29 AM
Fuck, I’m so sorry, I don’t know why I said that.
Chouinard kept talking about Rose, and how straight I am, and I keep thinking about the Voyageurs, and suddenly I was typing the word girlfriend
I understand, sweetheart.
What is the plan?
Do you want me to make him clean dirty rookie gear?
No, he didn’t mean anything by it.
Right now, my only plan is to fucking panic.
I’m done letting people think Rose is my girlfriend. Not denying the rumours was one thing in LA, but I don’t want to lie to these guys and make you and Lundin keep my secret.
He already tried calling me since I sent that message
Fuck, what am I doing? I’m so sick of lying.
Don't lie. Tell them you are dating Lily.
That is still a lie, Ilya.
I know what you’re doing. You just want to join me in the SAPS chat
This is true, yes.
What is it you told me once? If anyone is going to pretend to be your fake girlfriend, it should be your real boyfriend.
Fuck it.

🏒CENTAURS 🏒
11:46 AM
Chouinard
Oh shit, so you aren’t dating Rose Landry?
Dillion
Maybe he’s dating a different movie star.
Or we misunderstood, and he meant he and Rose IS his girlfriend.
Bood
Good for you, Hollander! What’s her name?
Lily.
Dillion
Dude.
Are you fucking with us?
Chouinard
Let me get this right.
You aren’t dating “Rose”, because you are dating “Lily,”
Right
Young
Hold up those are both flower names. That’s a crazy fucking coincidence dude.
Oh shit wait am I dumb. Are they the same woman?
Bood
Ignore them, Hollander. I’m sure Lily is great.
Dillion
And totally not Rose Landry.
Holmberg
Wait what if Lily is a different person and Hollander just has like a really specific type.
Or she’s a rebound, he picked because she reminds him of Rose. Like I read a conspiracy theory years ago that some half asian girl with freckles broke Roz’s heart because he like only slept with half asian women with freckles for like a year.
Bood
Jesus christ guys, drop it.
You are being very disrespectful to his relationship right now by continually bringing up his ex. No more conspiracy theories.
Dillion
Okay, you’re right. That wasn’t cool of us.
Can we talk about Roz apparently having a fetish for asian women instead? Because I feel like he should probably get cancelled for that.
Holmberg
Nah I don’t think it was a fetish thing. He’s always talking about Jane’s freckles so I kinda figured they were all just women who looked like her. Or the dude just has a type.
Roz
I have fucked many many women, some maybe had freckles, some maybe had dark hair, some maybe were asian. It is only coincidence.
Dykstra
All I’m hearing is that Hollywood should be glad he was born a man, otherwise he would be just Roz’s type 😂
Ha ha yeah thank god I wasn’t
Roz
Why are we sitting here gossiping about ancient history? I am happily committed to my girlfriend Jane. Enough about women I maybe fucked years ago.
Bood
Hollander, would Lily like to join the SAPS chat? Absolutely no pressure.
Roz
Lily sounds like a great girl. I think she would get along very well with my girlfriend Jane. She is in SAPs chat.
I doubt it. Lily’s pretty shy.
Are you sure? Shy does not seem like your type.
You are too boring to having boring partner. You would bore each other to death.
Bood
Leave the new guy alone, Cap. Aren’t you two supposed to be friends now?
Roz
Oh yes bestest friends.
I’ll ask Lily, and let her decide if she wants to join the SAPs.
Roz
Yes I agree. Let it be Lily’s decision. I think maybe she will say yes.
Bood
The SAPs are great. Cassie says plenty of the partners are shy to start off with, but it’s a very welcoming environment.
She said she’ll think about it

SAPs 🏒✨
July 23rd 3:14 PM
Cassie Boodram
New SAP alert!!!
Cassie Boodram
Selena Chouinard
IS IT ROSE LANDRY???
Cassie Boodram
His name is James, and he’s the boyfriend of our new defensemen Lundin.
Selena Chouinard
Oh…this is good too.
I follow him on instagram. He is oh no handsome. He and Lundin are a very sweet couple.
James Hutton has been added to the group
Leah Boyle
Lisa Hayes
Hey James, welcome to the SAPs😎
Caitlin Dykstra
Welcome to the SAPs! ✌️
Allison Perez
Hi James! Welcome to the group. We’re very happy to have you here.
James Hutton
Hey! Thanks for letting me join your group. It means a lot.
Cassie Boodram
Of course! Lundin’s one of the guys now, which makes you one of us.
Sorry, it took me so long to send my info. We’ve been slammed with moving, and me starting my new job.
Also, I haven’t used facebook in years and couldn’t remember my login 😅
Cassie Boodram
No worries! Pre-season hasn’t even started yet. There’s no rush.
Caitlin Dykstra
He’s a killer defenseman. We’re psyched to have him on the Centaurs.
James Hutton
Thanks.
Cassie Boodram
How are you finding Ottawa?
James Hutton
Won’t lie it’s pretty fucking boring.
I miss my friends and clubbing, but the alternative was moving to Sweden, and at least here we didn’t have to go that far away.
Plus, we already have a friend here, at least. I don’t know anyone in Swedish but Lud’s family and they are…a lot.
Selena Chouinard
Do you mean Hollander?
Cassie Boodram
That’s fair enough. You’d be welcome to come along to a team and SAP’s event. Maybe we could be your new Ottawa friends.
James Hutton
I’d like that.
Yeah, Shane was one of Lud’s only teammates who didn’t avoid me and any reminder of Lud’s sexuality like the plague. He’s a cool dude.
Jane reacted ❤️
Cassie Boodram
Hollander sounds like a good dude. He’s come along to a couple team events since he was traded here. Pretty quiet, but a really nice guy.
Selena Chouinard
He is also fucking gorgeous with an ass you could bounce a coin off, but yes also very nice man.
James Hutton
I mean… you’re not wrong.
Why are we always talk about Hollander’s ass?
Selena Chouinard
Because it is spectacular.
I can talk about your boyfriend’s ass instead if you prefer. I have much to say about Rozanov’s bubble butt.
James Hutton
I didn’t know Rozanov had a girlfriend.
Cassie Boodram
They are very private.
Leah Boyle
You mean a protected government secret?
There is about a 80% chance Jane is a government agent or celebrity, and about a 0.5% chance Jane is her real name.
Once you have a theory, let Alli know and you can join the betting pool.
James Hutton
Ooo how mysterious.