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Day 16: Needing Each Other
Sometimes, on the bad nights, Dean wished he had someone in his bed. Someone that understood what he had been through, and wouldn’t judge him for it. Someone in particular, though he’d been pointedly ignoring those feelings for close to a decade now. Angels, even fallen ones, deserved better than the likes of Dean Winchester. It didn’t stop him from wishing Cas was there next to him, holding him when the nightmares came, and when the guilt began to creep in. That was something he hadn’t shared with his brother, how guilty he felt over every bad decision he had ever made, over every time he had pushed away the people that cared about him the most, and about how badly he really needed them. But in true Dean fashion, he couldn’t just come right out and say it.
Mornings were getting rough, with lack of sleep from nights filled with monsters of the variety that he couldn’t just shoot, stab, or burn away. No, these ones refused to leave for long. Despite no longer being an angel, Cas noticed. Hell, he noticed everything. Observant bastard. This particular morning Dean stumbled into the kitchen and went immediately to the coffee pot. He’d sprung for one that had a timer so the hot liquid was ready and waiting for him every morning. As he poured his first cup, Cas came walking in. He was wearing a tank top and shorts that showed off his legs. To make things worse, he was covered head to toe in sweat. It was pretty clear that he’d been out running, most likely with Sam. Dean couldn’t keep his eyes off the man’s body even if he tried. Cas always noticed that too.
“Good morning, Dean.” Cas greeted him as he passed by on his way to the fridge to grab a bottle of water.
“Morning, Cas.” Dean’s voice was still thick with sleep and clearing his throat didn’t make it any better. Cas opened the bottle and took a long pull from it as he leaned back against the counter beside where Dean stood. He was close enough that Dean could feel the heat radiating off his body. When Cas smiled at him it woke up another part of his anatomy that always seemed to spring to life when the ex-angel was around. It wilted quickly though when Cas’ smile turned to a look of concern as he took in the bags that seemed to have matching luggage now under his eyes and his normally tan skin’s new sickly pallor.
“You didn’t sleep well.”
“I’m fine.” Dean grumbled around another sip of his coffee.
“Clearly you are not. How bad are the nightmares?”
Cas knew about them. Dean had woken him and Benny both quite frequently with them in Purgatory, and even after, when he’d watched over Dean, he’d been witness to them. He’d been the only thing that had the power to stop them when they were trapped there. No one knew how bad they got, not even Cas, but Dean suspected he was pretty darn close to figuring it out.
“I can handle it.” Dean lied. He couldn’t though. Silently he pleaded with Cas to ignore his words and see into his heart like he had so often been able to do before. Cas set the bottle of water down and pushed off the counter. Turning to face Dean, he stepped closer. His eyes narrowed as he studied Dean’s face.
“No, you can’t. I know you, Dean. And I know you don’t like to ask for help, so consider this me offering. You will put down the coffee and return to bed. After my shower I will meet you in your room. You need sleep and I’m not opposed to a nap myself. Getting up before dawn to run with Sam is not as pleasant for me as it is for him. I am tired. So go now and lay down. I’ll be in there shortly.”
He didn’t wait for an answer, he just grabbed the water bottle and walked out of the room. Dean watched him go, his eyes locked on the man’s tight ass and muscular thighs. Sleep was going to be the last thing on his mind with Cas in the bed next to him, but still, if he started to have another nightmare, he was hoping Cas would notice and wake him up. He was desperate for sleep. After turning the coffee pot off and putting his still full cup in the sink, he shuffled back to his room to wait.
The scent of ocean and patchouli entered the room before Cas actually did, but it was enough to let Dean know he was there. With still damp hair, Cas appeared, smiling pleasantly at the sight of Dean laying back in the bed. He was dressed in a white tee shirt and low slung sweatpants that got Dean’s cock twitching again as he slid into the bed next to him.
“No book?” Dean asked when he noticed Cas’ hands were empty. The man hardly ever walked around anymore without one in his hand. He’d discovered a preference lately for James Patterson novels, of all things and practically devoured every one of them.
“I would like to try and get a few more hours of sleep. If I notice you having a nightmare though, I promise to wake you.” Cas replied as he pulled the covers back. Dean did the same on his side of the bed, and then they laid down facing one another. It wasn’t the first time they had shared a bed, though it was the first time they had shared one here at the bunker. Dean already felt better having Cas close like this. He didn’t think sleep would come. He figured that since he was awake his body would refuse to let him slip back into any sort of rest, but apparently that wasn’t the case. His eyes drifted shut, even as he slipped a hand out to reach for Cas. Just before he tumbled over the edge, he felt familiar long fingers closing over his own.
The blackness was so deep he couldn’t even see his own hands in front of his face. He stretched them out but there was nothing in any direction. Something to his left made a noise. Almost like the grinding of teeth, and he instinctively reached for his knife, only to find he was dressed in the clothes he’d gone to bed in. The knife was under his pillow, and he was nowhere near it. Another noise on his right made him flinch.
“Cas!”
There was no answer. It was eerie how there was no echo, as though the sound in whatever place he was in had been dampened. Something growled, closer this time.
“Cas!”
He started running. He had to get away, had to get out of the darkness. Something slick and wet curled around his ankle, pulling him back. He struggled as something wrapped around his torso and pulled him back tightly against it.
“No! Get off me! Cas! Sam!” His voice cracked as he screamed.
“Dean!”
He froze. Cas was here?
“Cas!”
“Shh, I’m here. Come back to me.”
Dean tried to struggle but the hold on his body only tightened. He fought against it until he’d expended all of his energy and all he could do was relax back into it. Fighting was pointless. It had him now. Soft fingers brushed against his cheek, slowly drawing him out of his nightmare. Light began to filter in and he blinked his eyes open to find himself still in his bed. Looking down he saw the arms wrapped around him.
“Cas, I’m awake.”
The arms, as he realized they were now, tightened around him, pulling him back against Cas’ chest. He had missed this closeness.
“That one scared me. It took longer than I had expected to wake you.” Dean felt a light pressure between his shoulder blades and realized that Cas’ forehead was pressed against it. “Where were you?”
“I don’t know. It was dark and I couldn’t see anything. There were…things in there with me, but I couldn’t see them. But I heard them. I’m guessing it wasn’t one of them grabbing me, it was you trying to wake me.” Dean turned in Cas’ arms so they were facing one another again. It reminded him of their time in Purgatory. The intimacy, it had been comforting. He missed it.
“I heard you calling for me. I did what I could to reach you and pull you out.” Cas brushed his thumb over Dean’s left brow. “Rest. I’m here.”
Dean doubted he’d be able to fall back asleep but somehow he did, and it was dreamless. He woke several hours later feeling refreshed and wrapped up completely in strong, warm arms.
“Did you dream?” Cas’ voice was thick with sleep and Dean was glad he’d gotten some rest too.
“No, nothing. Thanks for staying.” Dean flipped onto his back and stretched, feeling the relief that came when his joints popped. Cas stretched before sitting up.
“I think some lunch is in order. Are you hungry?” He asked.
“Yeah, starving.” Dean replied as he sat up.
“Alright. I’ll make you a fresh pot of coffee too.” Cas offered a small smile before leaving.
Dean stopped off in the bathroom to pee and then did a quick walk through the bunker in search of his brother, mostly just to make small talk for a few minutes. He found him in the newly converted gym room lifting weights.
“Don’t you ever stop?” He teased as he watched his brother curl the weight up to his chest.
“Ha ha. I like exercising.” Sam replied dryly before setting the weight back on the rack. After drying his hands off he pushed his hair back and looked at Dean. “So, you finally got some sleep.”
Dean had been checking out the buttons on the treadmill his brother had recently added but st0pped and turned to face him.
“Yeah, uh, I did. No idea what time it is, but I feel ok. Maybe I won’t need to down an entire pot of coffee.” He tried to joke but it was weak. Sam’s expression was serious, thoughtful, and he saw through Dean’s weak attempt to cover his distress over not being able to sleep.
“Cas was in your room, huh. I saw him go in this morning. Didn’t come back out either.”
“He helped me with the nightmares. Before.” Dean refused to look his brother in the eye. There was just too much understanding in them.
“I know, Dean. You know, me and Cas, we talk too. I pass no judgement. If he can help you, I’m glad. You need sleep. And he hasn’t slept well since he became human, not without you near. Don’t let him lie to you. He doesn’t actually rest unless you’re close, and I don’t mean across the hall from one another.” Sam patted his shoulder before walking out of the gym and leaving Dean standing there wondering what the hell he meant by that.
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Dean headed to the kitchen, his stomach and nose leading the way. Something smelled amazing. He walked into the kitchen and stopped short. Cas was at the stove, the radio playing softly as he flipped sandwiches in a pan.
“Whatcha making?” Dean walked over to get a better look, but mostly because he just liked being close to Cas.
“I decided on grilled cheese with 3 kinds of cheese and bacon.” I thought that and a salad might work nicely for a midday meal.”
Dean wrinkled his nose at the thought of a salad but a glance back at the table told him they’d already been made and were waiting. And Cas would give him those same damn puppy dog eyes that Sam always gave him until he ate it. Damn it. He was sure they were conspiring against him.
“I added your favorites, and lots of tomatoes.” Cas was already working the eyes. Bastard.
“Yeah, I’ll eat it, knock it off with the baby blues.” Dean grumbled. He ignored the rumbling chuckle that Cas gave as he watched Dean head over to the table. A few minutes later he was joining Dean who was already halfway through his salad. He had a pleased expression on his face as he slid a plate with 2 sandwiches over to Dean.
“What kind of cheeses did you use? I didn’t know we had this many.” Dean asked as he picked up the first sandwich and took a bite.
“Sam bought them when I asked. Cheddar, Colby Jack, and American. I did not realize just how many different kinds of cheeses there are until I went and looked a while back. I can’t even list them all. I tried a few new ones and I find that I do not like Swiss. It’s bitter.”
Dean liked the easy conversation. Not everything had to be about monsters, or heaven and hell. Talk about cheese was mundane, but he liked it.
“Swiss is ok. I just don’t care for smoked cheeses. Those are gross.”
Cas cocked his head. “Smoked cheese, I believe I had smoked gouda once at a store sampling. It was quite disgusting.”
They finished their lunch, chatting about whatever came to mind, and then did the dishes together. Days like this, Dean lived for. He liked the stupidly plain domestic chores, and he liked them even more when Cas did them with him. Sam hadn’t appeared to bug them. Dean figured he was probably holed up somewhere reading or watching Netflix.
“Did you have plans today?” Dean found himself asking as they put the last of the dishes away.
“I was going to plant my herbs. It’s warm enough out now to get them in the ground. Would you like to help me?” Cas asked. There was hope in his eyes and even if Dean didn’t exactly have a green thumb, he would help.
“Sure, what are we planting?” Dean put on his best smile, happy to see the other man smile back.
“Oh, well, I have chives and 3 kinds of oregano, parsley and thyme, and…” He was still rambling as they made their way down the hall to change clothes. Dean listened to every word with a smile.
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
“So, I think I found a case.” Sam looked at the 2 of them over the top of his laptop as they were having breakfast together the next morning. Dean lowered his newspaper to stare back.
“What kind of case?” Cas asked.
“It’s up in Montana. Think it’s just a simple salt and burn.” Sam turned the computer so Cas could see what he had pulled up.
“This looks too simple for 3 people to drive all the way up to Montana.”
“I know, that’s why I’m going. Alone.” Sam turned the computer back around and began typing, ignoring his brother’s protests.
“Wait, no, you’re not going after it alone.”
“It’s just a spirit. I can do a salt and burn by myself.” Sam said calmly, still typing.
“It doesn’t look particularly difficult. I believe Sam could easily handle this alone. He’s handled worse by himself.” Cas caught Sam’s eye and the appreciative smile he gave. He also caught the look of betrayal Dean shot at him.
“Look, Dean, I need some time alone, and so do you two. Spend some time together, without worrying about whether I’m going to walk in the room or not. I’m going to swing through on my way back and visit Jody and the girls, and maybe do a little sightseeing. I haven’t taken an honest to God vacation in…” Sam frowned. “Ever. And I’m going to take one. And you guys will stay cozy here.” He closed the computer and met his brother’s conflicted gaze. “Look, I know you two have feelings for each other. I know you’re fighting them because you think either I won’t accept it or that other people won’t. Let me tell you, no one else matters. Not me, not anyone else. If you 2 are in love, then shit, just love each other. I’m happy if you guys are happy. But I’m going to give you some time to just be together.” Sam stood up, picking his laptop up. “I’ve already packed. I’ll be leaving in in a half hour.”
He didn’t wait for Dean to argue. No doubt his brother would try to talk him out of going alone, but he knew he could handle this just fine. The moment he was gone, Dean turned his anger on Cas.
“Why would you tell him it’s ok to go alone?”
“Because he’s an adult, he’s intelligent, and he’s one of the 2 best hunters I know. If he were going after Wendigos or Werewolves then yes, I would have insisted we go with, but this spirit isn’t even killing people, it’s simply harassing them and chasing them out of a building. I’m sure he’s capable of handling it on his own.” Cas replied calmly. Dean was a little less worried with his words, but he still wasn’t happy. The rest of his brother’s little speech began to filter into his brain. Cas was already a step ahead of him.
“Do you want to spend time alone with me?”
“Well, yeah, it would be nice.” Dean’s face was on fire as he tried to sound casual. The hand that came to rest on his thigh made him jump.
“Are you certain?”
“Cas, dude, I don’t do the whole feelings thing, you know that.” Dean squirmed under the intense blue gaze boring into him, but Cas was not backing down. He wasn’t letting Dean off the hook that easily.
“You care about me, Dean. I see it in the way you look at me, in the way you touch me, and believe it or not, even in the way you talk to me. So you see, you already do the feelings thing, and I want you to know that I care about you as well. I may not have understood what love was in the beginning, but I do now, and the way I feel about you, it is love. I’m certain of it. If Sam is going to be gone for 2 weeks I would like to do more than just gardening and sleeping. I think I would like to go on an actual date. Someplace nice for dinner. What do you say?”
“You…why? Why would you want to bother with me? Cas, you’re too good, you deserve better than a screw up like me.” Dean’s hand came to rest over the one Cas had on his thigh and he wove their fingers together.
“Because I don’t see you that way. Yes, you’ve made mistakes, we all have. I love you. I’ve waited patiently enough. Dean, I need you. Don’t you understand that? I need you in my life. You make living better. I couldn’t imagine a life without you in it.”
He leaned over and placed a kiss against Dean’s lips. “How does dinner tonight sound? There’s a nice restaurant in town I’ve been wanting to try. We have to dress nice for it though.”
Dean wanted this more than he’d ever wanted it with anyone else. Hell, he needed this, but only with this man right here. He smiled and squeezed Cas’ hand.
“Yeah, I’d like that.”
The smile he received in return was bright and gummy. One of Cas’ truly happy ones.
“Good, and perhaps when we return from eating we could engage in sex. I’ve wanted to do more than just hold you since we were in Purgatory.”
Dean slapped his free hand over his face in embarrassment.
“Cas…”
“I have lubrication, and a vibrating anal plug I would like to try.” Cas said.
Shit, what on earth was Dean getting himself into?