Chapter Text
Size
Small
Compact
Names
Dark Mode
Student Council office
Present: Tokai Teio, Mejiro McQueen, Special Week, Silence Suzuka, Gold Ship, Vodka, Daiwa Scarlet, Symboli Rudolf, Air Groove
Gold Ship
Is this about the kitchen? ’Cause I promise most of the damage is superficial. Also McQueen helped.
Mejiro McQueen
I did not help, I merely held your—
Gold Ship
Still helpin’, Mac.
Tokai Teio
I helped too!
Symboli Rudolf
No, this is—
Symboli Rudolf
I wasn’t aware there was an incident with the kitchen.
Gold Ship
Oh.
Symboli Rudolf
Let's put a pin in that for now. This is about rumors. Damaging rumors that Tracen is more matchmaking academy than training facility.
Symboli Rudolf
As an institution that relies heavily on donors, that funding is now in peril.
Vodka looks at Spe and Suzuka, then McQueen and Teio.
Vodka
Matchmaking, huh. Who’d get that idea?
Symboli Rudolf
The how and why are not relevant. What matters is our solution: a task force dedicated to documenting the competitive aspects of the academy.
Symboli Rudolf
The virtues of Tracen. Strength, speed, competition. We’ve chosen you because your team is...
Gold Ship
A mess?
Symboli Rudolf
...Authentic. And, therefore, the student council believes you are best to represent Tracen in these efforts.
Tokai Teio
A special assignment? From Prez!
Special Week
We won’t let you down!
Suzuka nods. Rudolf sits, pleased.
Tokai Teio
Hey, wait. Why don’t you do the media showcase, Prez? You’re like, the perfect Umamusume! Fast and strong and—
Vodka
We get it, Teio.
Tokai Teio
—smart and all those other things!
Air Groove
Yes. Tell us, President.
Symboli Rudolf
Ah, you see, the reason is— the reason...
Air Groove
Go on.
Air Groove
I’ll fact-check.
Symboli Rudolf
The reason, you see... is the student council fears there may be a conflict of interest—
Air Groove
A conflict of interest indeed.
Symboli Rudolf
A conflict of interest between myself and the matter at hand—
Air Groove
A conflict of interest between your tongue and Oguri Cap’s.
Tokai Teio
WHAT!
Gold Ship doubles over.
Gold Ship
No way, that rumor was true? The P-President— she actually—
Gold Ship collapses to the floor, laughing.
Symboli Rudolf
It was a different time.
Air Groove
It was the ice skating gala. Last week.
Tokai Teio
Prez did WHAT with Oguri Cap while ice skating?!
Symboli Rudolf
Ahem. We seem to be getting off topic.
Gold Ship
So, Prez, speaking of getting off— OW!
McQueen jabs Gold Ship with her foot.
Symboli Rudolf
It was... training. For the Japan Cup. It’s how the French racers greet each other.
Air Groove
...Really.
Special Week
It’s true! Um, when Montjeu was here she kissed me on the track.
Silence Suzuka
...Yes. She did.
Special Week
I guess they call it French kissing?
Teio sinks to the floor beside Gold Ship.
Tokai Teio
Prez was French kissing Oguri Cap.
Symboli Rudolf
Maybe not that exact phrasing—
Special Week
Don’t worry, President! We’ll get all the evidence you need to show what Tracen is really about!
Air Groove
You will. And those two.
She points to Scarlet and Vodka.
Air Groove
The rest will remain to explain what happened with the kitchen.
Gold Ship
Okay, okay, in our defense, that microwave was old any—
Mejiro McQueen
Gold Ship. Stop. Talking.
Tokai Teio
Prez and Oguri... Prez and Oguri...
Silence Suzuka
...I should stay too?
Air Groove
Supervision.
Daiwa Scarlet
Hmph, we’ll get the best documentation. Tracen is ALL about intense rivalries.
Vodka
Totally. How hard could it be to document some rivalries that don’t sound romantic?
Dorm common room — two hours later
Present: Daiwa Scarlet, Vodka, Special Week
Scarlet has her head on the table. Vodka lies on the couch with an arm over her eyes. Spe eats a carrot.
Daiwa Scarlet
Two hours. They talked for two hours. And none of this is usable.
Vodka
Seriously, what is wrong with that generation? All El talked about was the smell of grass. I don’t think she meant the turf.
Daiwa Scarlet
And King Halo just talked about her mother. The entire time.
Vodka
Talk about Super Creek issues.
Daiwa Scarlet
Super Creek issues?
Vodka
Yeah, ya know, ’cause mommy issues and Super Creek acts like a—
Daiwa Scarlet
Vodka.
Vodka
Yeah?
Daiwa Scarlet
We’re trying to document that Tracen is normal.
Vodka
...Yeah.
Special Week
Mmph, don’t worry, guysh! There’s plenty of other rivals. Maybe me and Grass—
Daiwa Scarlet & Vodka
No.
An unused classroom
Present: Special Week, Vodka, Daiwa Scarlet
Special Week
All right, here’s the stop! This is way out here. Good thing Rudolf faxed us that rival guide!
Vodka
Faxed. What year is this?
Special Week
I know, right!
Vodka
No, like, I’m serious. ’Cause we have smartphones but the Prez is still—
Daiwa Scarlet
Vodka, don’t get distracted.
Vodka
...My bad.
Daiwa Scarlet
According to the notes, Agnes Tachyon and Manhattan Cafe—
Vodka
The creepy scientist and creepy ghost girl.
Daiwa Scarlet
—rude, but yes, have a rivalry alongside Jungle Pocket, so they should—
Vodka
Jungle Pocket. Isn’t she, like, a gangster?
Daiwa Scarlet
Stop insulting them, Vodka. They may have their eccentricities, but they’re serious racers, and you can’t go around calling them—
She knocks. The unlatched door swings open.
Agnes Tachyon and Manhattan Cafe stand over a metal briefcase and a duffel bag overflowing with rolls of cash. (Entering: Agnes Tachyon, Manhattan Cafe)
Daiwa Scarlet
...
Agnes Tachyon
Ah. Scarlet. This isn’t what it looks like.
Daiwa Scarlet
Phew. Good.
Agnes Tachyon
Unless it looks like we’re preparing for a criminal handoff, in which case, it is exactly what it looks like.
Vodka
Whoa, is that real? So cool.
Agnes Tachyon
Away from the case.
Vodka
Right, right, sorry.
Daiwa Scarlet
Where’s Pocket?
Manhattan Cafe
Underground.
Daiwa Scarlet
WHAT?!
Manhattan Cafe
Metaphorically. The Umakuza took her.
Daiwa Scarlet
The— what?
Agnes Tachyon
The Umakuza. A criminal organization of—
Daiwa Scarlet
I know what, I mean why?!
Agnes Tachyon
Then why didn’t you ask that?
Daiwa Scarlet
I—
Special Week
Hi, Cafe!
Manhattan Cafe
Hello, Spe...
Vodka
You two know each other?
Special Week
Yeah! Cafe filled me with tons of cream at the fan-fest—
Agnes Tachyon
Oh my.
Manhattan Cafe
Viennese coffee. Spe wanted a lot of cream.
Agnes Tachyon
Oh my.
Daiwa Scarlet
Aren’t we getting off topic? Your teammate was literally kidnapped by criminals!
Manhattan Cafe
...Coffee is always relevant.
Daiwa Scarlet
You said Jungle Pocket is underground!
Agnes Tachyon
Metaphorically. Though literally, I suppose, if we don’t hurry—
Daiwa Scarlet
Get the President! Call the URA! We should alert them immediately!
Agnes Tachyon
We cannot. That would be complicated.
Daiwa Scarlet
Why not?
Manhattan Cafe
This.
Cafe opens the briefcase. Twelve pristine carrots gleam in their fitted slots.
Vodka
No way...
Daiwa Scarlet
Carrots?
Agnes Tachyon
Aichi carrots. Ceremonial-grade. Pokke... obtained them from a courier. It seems the Umakuza was displeased.
Special Week
They look so juicy...
Cafe snaps the case shut.
Manhattan Cafe
Yes. We hope to return them and some... incentive, to get Pokke back.
She looks at the money.
Daiwa Scarlet
Let’s call the URA. That’s the proper way.
Agnes Tachyon
What part of the proper way involves explaining why she was captured and the briefcase full of contraband?
Daiwa Scarlet
Contraband?!
Vodka
Ceremonial-grade Aichi carrots are, like, super restricted. Haven’t you ever seen a movie?
Daiwa Scarlet
I have. Maybe not the kind you watch, like Fifty Shades of Hay—
Vodka
I MEANT A CRIME FLICK! A-Also I don’t watch those kinds of movies! That’d be so lame!
Daiwa Scarlet
We share a streaming account.
Vodka
I clicked that on accident.
Agnes Tachyon
So, Cafe and I are going in to rescue her.
Daiwa Scarlet
You— you can’t just—
Agnes Tachyon
We can. And we will. Pokke is precious to me.
Daiwa Scarlet
Oh. Oh. I... didn’t realize—
Agnes Tachyon
I drugged her dinner last night and need to document any observable side effects.
Daiwa Scarlet
—of course you did.
Manhattan Cafe
And I know where they are keeping her. It was revealed to me in a dream.
Daiwa Scarlet
Of course it was.
Vodka
This is so cool. The Umakuza? Smuggling contraband? Raiding their headquarters—
Daiwa Scarlet
Vodka.
Vodka
—and Pokke-senpai is a real live gangster who’s, like, super cool—
Agnes Tachyon
Debatable.
Vodka
—and dominant—
Agnes Tachyon
Highly debatable.
Daiwa Scarlet
Vodka, this is a kidnapping.
Vodka
—that’s so cool! We gotta go, a real criminal handoff—
Daiwa Scarlet
Would you focus?! She is a criminal. Your “Pokke-senpai” is a criminal who got herself captured—
Vodka
I bet she has it handled.
Special Week
Wait. Is the Umakuza a real gang?
Vodka
The realest. They run, like, the whole underground racing scene in the city!
Special Week
Underground racing? Are there tunnels?
Vodka
Metaphorically underground.
Agnes Tachyon
Indeed. It would have been, admittedly, difficult with just Cafe and myself. Fortunately, you’ve volunteered to assist us.
Daiwa Scarlet
We’ve done no such thing!
Agnes Tachyon
You’ve seen the carrots. You’re accessories now.
Daiwa Scarlet
That— that doesn’t—
Agnes Tachyon
It does. A large group entering will draw attention. Scarlet, you are with me. Vodka, with Cafe. Special Week, guard this.
She presses the briefcase into Spe’s hands.
Vodka
This is gonna be so cool!
Outside
Present: Tokai Teio, Mejiro McQueen, Seiun Sky
Tokai Teio
I dunno, I just feel bad leaving Gold Ship to clean it up by herself.
Mejiro McQueen
She opened that can herself. And then chose to microwave it. Besides, she’s not alone. She’s under the President’s supervision.
Tokai Teio
Yeah... Still, I can’t believe Prez kissed Oguri Cap! Did you know that, Sky?
Teio turns to Seiun Sky, who was sitting across the table from them, but quickly stands up.
Seiun Sky
No, but now I have the image in my head. So if that’s why you wanted to talk, I’m just gonna head out now. See ya.
Mejiro McQueen
Wait! That’s not why—
Tokai Teio
But it’s related.
Mejiro McQueen
—We would merely like your advice in identifying promising rivalries to interview.
Seiun Sky
When you say “rivals”...
Tokai Teio
Y’know, competition and stuff!
Seiun Sky
And stuff.
Mejiro McQueen
It was a direct assignment from the Student Council, and you were our first choice as one of the most observant Umamusume at the academy.
Seiun Sky
Sigh.
Seiun Sky slowly sits back down.
Seiun Sky
What’s this about?
Mejiro McQueen
This may surprise you, but apparently there are rumors that Tracen is more matchmaking institute than racing academy.
Seiun Sky
Nooo...
Tokai Teio
Crazy, right?
Seiun Sky
Yeah, Teio. I’m shocked.
Mejiro McQueen
But as nonsensical as it may be, it is advantageous to correct Tracen’s image by showcasing the fierce rivalries here.
Tokai Teio
And Prez can’t do it because she’s the one who started the rumors by kissing Oguri Cap! In public!
Mejiro McQueen
Teio’s still coming to terms with it, as you can see.
Tokai Teio
On the mouth! With her mouth!
Mejiro McQueen
It was for training, she said.
Tokai Teio
Still!
Seiun Sky
Is that why you and McQueen can’t do it either?
Mejiro McQueen
How do you mean? We thought nominating ourselves to be the face of Tracen would be a conflict of interest.
Tokai Teio
Yup. Seemed totally unfair.
Seiun Sky
Okay, but also because you’ve kissed each other, right?
Tokai Teio
What?!
Mejiro McQueen
I beg your pardon?
Seiun Sky
I mean, you two are... y’know.
Tokai Teio
We’re RIVALS!
Seiun Sky
As in just rivals, or rivals rivals.
Mejiro McQueen
As in rivals. That alone should be explanatory.
Seiun Sky
It’s really not.
Mejiro McQueen
It shouldn’t even be a question whether romance is involved in a rivalry between Umamusume.
Tokai Teio
Yeah, are you feeling okay, Sky?
Seiun Sky
Never mind, just... you wanted me to suggest rivals to interview, right? Platonic rivals who don’t sound romantic?
Mejiro McQueen
We said rivalries, yes.
Seiun Sky
But what do you mean by—
Tokai Teio
We were thinking from your generation, we could do Spe, Grass, El, and Suzuka!
Seiun Sky
...No.
Tokai Teio
Okay, then how about Kita-chan and Dia-chan?
Seiun Sky
No.
Tokai Teio
Me and Nice Nature?
Seiun Sky
Are you hearing yourself right now?
Tokai Teio
Yep!
Seiun Sky
McQueen, please help me out.
Mejiro McQueen
We did agree not to nominate ourselves, Teio.
Tokai Teio
Right, right, sorry... hehe.
Seiun Sky
That’s not what I—
Mejiro McQueen
And if we did, I think it better if I stood beside you.
Tokai Teio
But you just said you didn’t want to do it!
Mejiro McQueen
It would be improper to nominate ourselves. Besides, what’s between us needs no media promotion to be known.
Tokai Teio
Besides the heaven-and-earth one we did?
Mejiro McQueen
...Yes. Besides that.
Tokai Teio
‘Cause you’re my one and only best friend and rival, McQueen!
Mejiro McQueen
And you are mine, Teio.
Seiun Sky
Literally or...
Seiun Sky trails off as the two are staring into each other's eyes. She puts her face in her hands.
Seiun Sky
It’s not just my generation... This entire school is cursed. Sometimes, I wish I were a fish.
Outside — on a bench
Present: Grass Wonder, Silence Suzuka
Grass Wonder
Gold Ship microwaved fish?
Silence Suzuka
In a can. It’s... all over the kitchen now.
Grass Wonder
I see. Hehe, that is very Gold Ship, to disregard the proverbs warning against both.
Grass Wonder
But about the rival interview you mentioned...
Silence Suzuka
Yes, um... I thought you would be a good choice.
Grass Wonder
I would be happy to do an interview with Spe-chan. My rival.
Silence Suzuka
...My roommate.
Grass Wonder
Hmm?
Silence Suzuka
Um... I actually thought we could do the interview as rivals.
Grass Wonder
I didn’t know you thought of me as a rival, Suzuka. I know we raced once, but a rivalry—
Silence Suzuka
Not about racing. About... Spe-chan.
Grass Wonder
Spe-chan.
Silence Suzuka
The other Umamusume... racing rivalries are very...
Grass Wonder
Intense. And mutually supportive.
Silence Suzuka
They might give the wrong impression.
Grass Wonder
Whereas the two of us would not.
Silence Suzuka
...Yes.
Grass Wonder
That is a sensible idea. And, I admit, you are... very much my rival in that regard.
Silence Suzuka
...And you are mine.
Grass Wonder
Very well. I'll be happy to assist with the promotion, Suzuka.
Silence Suzuka
Thank you.
Silence Suzuka
Um...
Grass Wonder
Hmm?
Silence Suzuka
...I still have no intention of losing. Not to you. Or anyone.
Grass Wonder
Hehe. I feel the same. Only one winner can cross the line.
Silence Suzuka
Spe-chan is my roommate.
Grass Wonder
Spe-chan is my rival.
Umakuza Headquarters
Present: Vodka, Daiwa Scarlet, Special Week, Agnes Tachyon, Manhattan Cafe, Jungle Pocket
Vodka
Special Week is my responsibility now?!
Daiwa Scarlet
You should’ve known this would happen!
Vodka
Tachyon is the one who—
Daiwa Scarlet
Don’t blame Tachyon for this!
Vodka
I’m just saying what happened!
Agnes Tachyon
Oh my. You two are so very spirited.
Special Week
I’M SORRY! The carrots just looked so delicious—
Jungle Pocket
I can’t believe you ate my ransom.
Agnes Tachyon
But we’re all together now, Pokke! And how are you feeling?
Jungle Pocket
Hah, fine! It’d take more than— wait. Why are you asking?
Agnes Tachyon
No reason. I’m glad you feel well. I’ll ask again later.
Manhattan Cafe
...Should we go now?
Jungle Pocket
Sure. Got twelve more carrots?
Special Week
I could check the case again—
Daiwa Scarlet
You licked the inside.
Special Week
...They were really good.
Agnes Tachyon
Fortunately, I’ve negotiated an alternative.
Jungle Pocket
A fight? Hah! We can take them!
Vodka
Pokke is the real deal... so cool.
Daiwa Scarlet
Seriously?
Vodka
Shut up.
Agnes Tachyon
An eating competition. Defeat their champion, and they’ll release Pokke and forgive the missing carrots.
Daiwa Scarlet
Eating competition?!
Agnes Tachyon
A traditional method of resolving disputes between Umamusume. Other than racing.
Vodka
Hah, shows what they know! Spe can eat anyone under the table.
Special Week
Ehehe...
Agnes Tachyon
So I’ve heard. Cafe apparently knows just how much cream Spe can take.
Jungle Pocket
Wait, she what?!
Manhattan Cafe
It was coffee.
Jungle Pocket
You two went on a coffee date?
Manhattan Cafe
No... We had coffee. It had cream. That is all.
Vodka
Isn’t that exactly what a coffee date is? I-I mean, not that I’d know. Sounds lame.
Daiwa Scarlet
“Not that I’d know.”
Vodka
Shut up, Scarlet.
Daiwa Scarlet
Make me, Vodka.
Manhattan Cafe
...Could we get Pokke released first?
Jungle Pocket
Yeah! Can we?!
Daiwa Scarlet
Hmph. Fine. Where’s this champion?
Jungle Pocket
They’re bringing her down. Apparently she’s never lost.
Vodka
Well, she hasn’t faced Spe yet.
Agnes Tachyon
Indeed. A new challenger to the reigning champion of the underground eating scene.
Special Week
Do you mean metaphorically or—
Manhattan Cafe
Literally. We’re in a basement.
Special Week
Right.
Special Week takes a deep breath.
Special Week
Okay, I’m ready. Who am I facing?
Jungle Pocket
Dunno. They just keep calling her “the beast.”
Daiwa Scarlet
“Beast?”
Vodka
Wait...
The door opens. (Entering: Oguri Cap)
Oguri Cap
Hi.
Vodka, Daiwa Scarlet, Special Week, Agnes Tachyon, Manhattan Cafe & Jungle Pocket
OGURI CAP?!
Daiwa Scarlet
You're the Umakuza's eating champion?! What are you doing here?
Oguri Cap
They give me free food.
Daiwa Scarlet
But it’s an underground operation!
Oguri Cap
Yeah! It’s a basement.
Daiwa Scarlet
I meant metaphorically!
Oguri Cap
Oh. Why didn’t you say that?
Daiwa Scarlet
...Special Week. Eat the food.
Special Week
Right! Oguri, I challenge you to an eating contest!
Oguri Cap
Okay. To be honest, I don’t care too much about that. I just want to eat.
Special Week
Me too!
Outside
Present: Seiun Sky, Tokai Teio, Mejiro McQueen
Seiun Sky
Yawn. So warm out today...
Seiun Sky
Alright, walk me through what you've gathered so far.
Tokai Teio
Air Shakur: My rival is my goddess, my guiding light—
Seiun Sky
No.
Mejiro McQueen
T.M. Opera O: Our bond is eternal, my dear rival. You are bound to me—
Seiun Sky
No.
Tokai Teio
Agnes Digital—
Seiun Sky
No.
Tokai Teio
I didn't even say the quote!
Seiun Sky
Anything from Digital is already a "no."
Tokai Teio
You're not even considering any of these!
Mejiro McQueen
I must say, you do seem rather stringent on the criteria for rivalries to showcase.
Seiun Sky
Because they all sound romantic. I mean, here, gimme this— Cheval Grand: I love you, Kitasan Black.
Tokai Teio
...I think she meant as a friend?
Mejiro McQueen
Or as a rival.
Tokai Teio
Yeah! She was recalling their duel on the final stretch.
Mejiro McQueen
Very competitive.
Seiun Sky
And Rudolf could've been dueling the final stretch of Oguri's tongue as a friend—
Tokai Teio
DON'T REMIND ME!
Seiun Sky
—but the people outside Tracen, who you're presenting this to, won't see it that way.
Mejiro McQueen
Hmm. I do see your point. All of these could be misrepresented, without context.
Tokai Teio
I guess so. Well, who else could we talk to?
Seiun Sky
I dunno. Oguri Cap, maybe? She has a lot of rivals and fierce races.
Tokai Teio
Ooh, that's a great idea!
Mejiro McQueen
Is she around? I did not see her at lunch today. Or at least, the mountain of food she usually sits behind.
Tokai Teio
Maybe she's training? Who knows what secret training an elite runner like her does to stay in racing shape!
Umakuza Headquarters — eating competition
Present: Agnes Tachyon, Manhattan Cafe, Jungle Pocket, Vodka, Daiwa Scarlet, Special Week, Oguri Cap
Agnes Tachyon
You see, she's dipping her carbohydrates in water to ingest them more easily.
Special Week and Oguri Cap are devouring mountains of food and show no signs of stopping anytime soon.
Daiwa Scarlet
I think I'm gonna be sick.
Agnes Tachyon
With delight, at watching the physiology of Umamusume be pushed to their limits? I agree.
Daiwa Scarlet
How's she even gonna fit that big of a— oh my goddesses, that's how.
Vodka
So... Pocket, Pocky, Pokke—
Jungle Pocket
Pocky?
Vodka
You're like, uh, a real gangster, huh?
Jungle Pocket
Was. I'm official now. Joined Tracen to become the strongest runner there is!
Vodka
The strongest, huh? That sounds pretty cool.
Jungle Pocket
You're pretty strong yourself. You won the Derby too, right?
Vodka
Y-Yeah! I did!
Daiwa Scarlet
Don't get her started.
Vodka
Shut up, Scarlet.
Agnes Tachyon
The Satsuki Sho, however...
Jungle Pocket
Tachyon, you bastard. I'm gonna beat you next time.
Agnes Tachyon
Hoh? I thought the subservient position suited you, Pokke.
Jungle Pocket
W-What is THAT supposed to mean?!
Daiwa Scarlet
Wow, she's just like Vodka when she gets flustered.
Vodka
What?!
Agnes Tachyon
You should have seen Pokke's reaction when I felt her legs.
Jungle Pocket
Tachyon!
Daiwa Scarlet
...Metaphorically?
Agnes Tachyon
Literally.
Manhattan Cafe
Sigh.
Manhattan Cafe
My friend... thinks Spe is eating too much...