Chapter Text
This is really embarrassing. Like super duper embarrassing. I never expected things to end up this bad.
I didn't.. think that things would end up this way, like this.
Sitting down on the couch, Saki's fuzzy blanket is wrapped around me. A steaming mug filled with hot chocolate is cupped in my hands, and not only my sister, but my entire troupe and my parents are all surrounding me.
I can't bring myself to look at them in the eyes.
The TV is playing some sort of cartoon in the background. It's kid- friendly and light hearted, but I can't help but feel bad while looking at it.
Even if there's so many people surrounding me...
I don't think I've ever felt so alone.
For some reason, something about this situation makes everything feel so much more different, so much more terrifying. It scares me.
I don't like how everyone is looking at me as if I'm some fragile piece of glass that will break at the slightest touch. I hate how they look at me as if I'm something that needs intensive care, something that needs to be looked after.
I know I wanted help. I know I asked for it. But.. this is so much more horrifying than I thought it would be. Since when was asking for help so hard? When did it become so difficult to voice my own needs and wants?
I know it. I know it and I acknowledge it, but I just can't seem to get the words out. Part of me still feels like everyone shouldn't be here, they shouldn't be with me, I'm just weighing them down, they're all so tired of me, they...
..
My breath hitches. I don't want to let myself spiral out again. I can't... I can't let that happen.
My mother sits next to me, her arm wrapped around my shoulder. "How do you feel, honey?" She asks carefully.
It feels so weird. Unusual, foreign. I've never had anything like this happen before. I've never needed anyone to coddle me like this before, it just feels so wrong.
She left work to be here. Both my parents did.
Saki skipped practice to stay with me.
"I didn't want to leave you alone," She'd explained to me, "So I texted the others that I would be skipping. I practiced a bit on my own, though, so you don't need to worry, big bro!"
But I do. I can't help but worry. Saki skipped practice because of me. It isn't fair. She didn't have to do that.
It's the same thing for the rest of the troupe, too. Emu, Nene, and Rui don't need me there to practice with them, even though I'm the leader. They can do just fine on their own. But Saki soon told me that she decided to text them, and they all came.
They intend to stay, too. They all asked to stay over for the night. So now we're having an awkward sleepover.
It's not like I really need any more sleep, though. Apparently I was asleep for almost the entire day. It feels so wrong.
This has never happened before. I can't understand it, I can't understand the way I feel. I don't like how this pain in my hard and compression in my chest has no name. I want to explain it, but I can't even put it into words.
After all this time, after everything, I still can't figure it out. And even if I know what I need and want, I still can't help but feel ashamed about it. It doesn't feel fair at all.
This isn't something that I can just easily get rid of, is it? It's something that will take time. Something that will fluctuate, go away and then come back. I'll never be able to find a proper way to explain it.
The realization only makes me feel worse about everything. Everything around me, and everything about myself.
"Tsukasa?"
My mom rubs circles on my back gently. "Are you alright..? You've barely spoken to us."
I can't bear to look at my mother in the eyes. I can't stand that look of worry that will be on her face, an expression she would always give to a young child in the hospital, and never her lonely son all alone in a dark and empty home.
Rui leans against the couch, looming over me. "Tsukasa-kun," He pipes up softly, placing a hand on my shoulder. "You don't have to speak if you don't want to. You can just nod and shake your head, if you'd like."
He pauses.
"Is that alright with you, my star?"
My star.
His words make me feel weak.
I nod, my movements slow. Nothing will come out of my mouth, even if I tried my hardest. I my heart hurts, I can't speak. I feel so weak and faint and it's just destroying me from the inside out.
I tug on the blanket. Saki pats the fuzz wrapped around me, humming. "That's fine with us," She says. "Whatever makes you feel comfortable."
I hate how they have to adjust everything just so they can work with me. Just so that they can meet my needs. I hate that.
"Are you feeling alright now, Tsukasa?" Nene pipes up, looking at me. She's sitting on the floor, between Emu's legs. Emu is seated beside Saki on the couch, playing with the hair of the troupe's diva.
Am I feeling alright? Isn't that such a question to ask? How do they expect me to know? Am I even supposed to know? When other people are asked questions like this, do they know right away? Or are they just as lost as I am, unable to explain the muddled, scattered emotions in their heart and mind?
In the end, I let out a weak shrug.
"That's fine." Nene stares at me, nodding. "That's fair."
Rui nods in agreement. "You don't have to know how you're feeling, Tsukasa. Sometimes, there really isn't a proper way to explain it, and that's completely fine."
My father sits on the arms of the couch, swaying from side to side. "He's right, son. You don't have to know it right away- in fact, you don't have to know it at all. Acknowledging it is more than enough."
But I have acknowledged it.
I know that I feel this way. But where am I supposed to go from here? What do I do now that I'm aware of the ache in my chest? How do I get rid of it? Do I find what caused it? Am I supposed to just expect this feeling to go away one day, as if it was never there in the first place?
"Tsukasa-kun," Emu pipes up. She leans over Saki, smiling. "Do you know why Nene-chan is so shy?"
"Wh- Emu?"
I look over at Emu, confused. What reason was there to ask that?
"W-well," Emu pauses for a moment, pondering her words before piping up once more. "It's just that- Rui-kun mentioned how Nene was always kinda shy! And maybe that thing back in junior high made things worse, but there's no proper way of saying why she's quiet sometimes! Right?"
I nod slowly. Well... yeah. that's just a personality trait.
"And Rui-kun, too! He's all smart and waaah and phweeee and bwashaaamm!!! He can build super wonderhoy things and he can do a toonnnnn of stuff, too!" Emu continues on. "And maybe other people didn't like that very much... and maybe his parents influenced his hobbies and skills, but there's no explanation for why he's the way he is! He's just Rui-kun! And that's okay! Right?"
Rui chuckles, tilting his head to the side in curiosity, and I nod again. I don't know what Emu is getting at.
And still, Emu continues to rant on. "And sometimes.. you can feel things, and you won't know why! You could be, uh.. ooh! You can be nervous for a presentation sometimes! And you know you practiced super duper hard, and you know you're a good speaker, but you still feel all ba-dump ba-dump and uuuuueeeeeeeee and peeeww and doki doki, and you don't know why! You're still nervous, right?"
She pauses, waiting for me to nod again before adding on. "Exactly! You just feel that way! And whether you know why or not, and whether you get over that fear or not, sometimes you feel that way still! Even if you're a good speaker, you still get nervous! Even if it's something that happened suuppeerr duper long ago, you can still feel sad about it even now! I know I do.."
Emu looks to the side for a split moment, then turns to face me once more. "BUT!! My genius point is: if you're sad, Tsukasa-kun, and if you're angry, and if you're a weird mix of that or something you can't explain, it's okay! It's fine to feel that way! Sometimes... sometimes, I get all bweehhh in the mornings, too. Because I remember Grandpa, and I remember how he's not here, and it makes me feel all sad... and I wonder why I still feel that way even though it's been years, and even though I know he wouldn't want me feeling all womp womp over it, but I feel that way anyways! And it's not wonderhoy at all!"
My eyes soften, worried. Why is Emu telling me this?
"But, you wanna know what makes me feel better whenever I feel that way?" Emu leans closer, her smile growing.
I nod.
"It's because I have my family with me."
...Oh.
"It's cause I have Shosuke, and Keisuke, and Hinata, and whenever they find me sad in my room, Hinata will bake me super wonderhoy yummy snacks, and Keisuke will help encourage me, and Shosuke- he- he does things, too! Point is, I have my sister and brothers to help me! And you do, too, Tsukasa-kun! You have all of us with you, even if you don't want it! Because no matter what, you're never, ever, ever, ever, ever getting rid of any of us!"
Rui laughs softly, nodding along with Emu's words. "That's exactly it, Emu." He pipes up, "Whenever I feel down and remember things I'd rather not recall, all of you come to help me no matter what. Remember that time when we were in America, and we saw those teens?"
I nod weakly. Why is everyone..?
"For the rest of the day, I felt terrible. I felt sorry that I couldn't help, and it made me remember what happened to me in my past.. and it hurt. It hurt a lot, remembering what happened to me, even if things are better now. But you were the one who caught on right away, Tsukasa. Do you remember that? You insisted that we all went out for dinner, and you orchestrated that improv play with Emu and Nene to make me feel better. You even got Keisuke and Shosuke in on it, too. You did everything in your power to make me feel better, and I want to do the same for you. We all do."
Nene hums. "You don't have to deal with everything alone, Tsukasa," She assures. She scoots closer, taking my hand and patting it awkwardly. "You're... you- you matter. And we all care about you. And even if you don't think so, you've done a lot for us. So.. let us repay you, Tsukasa."
I grasp at my chest. It hurts so much now. Why is everyone telling me this? What does it mean? Why do they want to help me so bad?
"Even if you can't get the words out, it's okay." Saki giggles, "We're all going around in circles anyway, aren't we? It's completely fine if you have these off days. Everyone feels bad sometimes, it's completely fine. But what matters is that you have people around you who are willing to stay by your side with every step of the way, no matter what. It's okay if you feel bad in the morning, it's okay if there's something in the day that happens that makes you feel super sad. Because you have us, big bro, and we'll help you through it."
My mother pulls me closer. My head rests on her shoulder, letting out a surprised gasp as she pats my hair gently.
This type of love...
Why does it feel so warm? Why does this feel so good?
I can't help but crave more of it. I can't help but want it so bad.
"I'm sorry, Tsukasa." My mother whispers. "I'm so sorry that dad and I weren't here to help you when you needed it. I'm sorry that we're not as close as you might want us to be."
My dad steps closer, nodding. He takes my hand, squeezing it gently. "We haven't done enough for you, Tsukasa," He tells me. "I know we weren't there for you when you needed it the most. But despite everything, please know that we care about you, truly. We love you just as much as Saki. We care about you so, so, so much.. so please. If there's anything troubling you, it's okay for you to let us know."
Oh...
What...
What is.. this?
Why does this feel so.. warm?
Saki leans in to hug me.
Rui does next. Then dad, then Nene, and Emu tops it all off with a big, strong bear hug with those little arms of hers. It's shocking.
They're all hugging me. They're all..
Here.
With me.
Breath hitching, I let out a sob.
This is so nice. This feels so warm.
I never want to let go.
They're here for me. All of them.
My mom, my dad, Saki, Emu, Nene. Rui.
All of them.
They're here. And they want to help me.
A small part of me wants to deny it. A tiny part of me shakes its head, saying that this type of love is selfish. That I don't need this.
But another part of me cries.
A young child, hidden deep in my heart, pushes forwards and accepts the embrace with open arms.
This child calls out towards me, saying: See? It's okay! They care about us! We don't have to be alone again!
And I find myself nodding along with that child.
The tension in my body fades away as I melt into the warm, big cuddle.
I want to say something. One thing, at least.
I want to tell them. I want to tell everyone.
Slowly, I part my lips, inhaling deeply.
My voice is hoarse and quiet, raspy and barely above a whisper. But despite everything, I'm sure that everyone is able to hear the feeble, yet compassionate and genuine words I croak out amidst the tight hold.
"Thank you."