help_me_or_kelp_me

SCREAMING FISH HEADSHOT



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  1. Rec 1

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    "Wha.. ‘m not turning autistic" He muttered, you can't turn autistic. Especially not from a pain killer- Urbanshade was just being stupid.

    "Oh my god this is it. You're going to be autistic for ever. You know they told me it's curable, I'm sure if we just get you to a doctor everything will be fine! Ohhh god-" Painter's voice was fading, the world was spinning faster– he could've sworn he heard a thud.

    -

    I don't support trump and I'm not ableist this is entirely satire I swear

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    657
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Comments:
    14
    Kudos:
    23
    Bookmarks:
    1
    Hits:
    123

    15 Nov 2025

  2. Rec *

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    "Welcome to a new user experience! You have triggered this interface with the keywords, ‘Stupid game! Stupid devs! I want my f*****g money back!’ You are now bound to the character Tartaglia, the Eleventh Harbinger of the Fatui, codename: Childe! We hope you have an enjoyable user experience and we welcome you once again to Genshin Impact 2.0!”

    Those are some of the first words Ajax, starving college student extraordinaire, has the misfortune of hearing upon waking up in a brave new world from what he's fairly sure is a very fatal accident involving water and a shit ton of electricity.

    Okay, so he's not dead. That's good. But what's this about him being stuck playing the character Tartaglia? Tartaglia, as in the no-good, one-dimensional, cartoonish villain who met his untimely, gruesome death in the first act of the original game?

    Forget this. Like hell Ajax is going to share that fate.

    And so begins one man's journey to save himself from his awful destiny.

    Series
    Language:
    English
    Words:
    560,073
    Chapters:
    46/46
    Collections:
    57
    Comments:
    29,026
    Kudos:
    46,294
    Bookmarks:
    7,430
    Hits:
    2,072,539

    01 Aug 2025

  3. Rec *

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    People keep coming up to Kaveh to congratulate him. Kaveh doesn’t really know why, and he’s a little too scared to ask at this point, so he heads back home, content if not a little bemused.

    He is, unfortunately, reminded of it the very next day, when the door slams open and Al-Haitham stalks in. “Mind telling me why everyone was congratulating me today?” he demands. “About your pregnancy?"

     

    Or: Al-Haitham is, without a doubt, the most annoying person Kaveh knows. Maybe the world’s second-most annoying person can help Kaveh figure him out.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    20,724
    Chapters:
    3/3
    Comments:
    553
    Kudos:
    13,729
    Bookmarks:
    3,721
    Hits:
    134,457

    21 Jul 2025

  4. Rec 59

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    You drown in rushing water, and show up in Teyvat. You are present, the “traveler” is not. You wonder if this means you must take their place, but an average human from Earth can not match up to whatever the traveler is. Not in strength, not in kindness, not in geniality. It takes crawling out of a hole of self-hatred and shaking hands to come to the conclusion that you were never meant to take on the destiny of a hero.

    (A mouse can’t ever put a bell on a cat’s collar; Sometimes the most favorable task isn’t achievable, no matter how much you beg to be different.)

    The fic is set to take place during the entire first main quest in Mondstadt. It is book one of two, if I believe in myself hard enough.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    111,389
    Chapters:
    15/?
    Comments:
    230
    Kudos:
    271
    Bookmarks:
    59
    Hits:
    7,357

    26 Jan 2025

  5. Rec 32

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    Notebook. Forceps. Scissors. Scalpel. Chisel. Saw. Albedo looks forward to discovering what secrets of life this small body will yield to him.

    Series
    Language:
    English
    Words:
    3,000
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Comments:
    23
    Kudos:
    155
    Bookmarks:
    32
    Hits:
    1,142

    27 Mar 2025

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