psychoSlaughter
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Harry is "rescued" from the Dursleys by a necromancer with glowing acid-green eyes and strange tattoos. His new mama isn’t the most affectionate, but she makes up for it by teaching Harry all sorts of exciting dark magic like crafting horcruxes and speaking to the dead. Despite this, he reckons he turned out just fine.
In which the adults don’t hang the weight of the world on one child’s shoulders, Harry gets to be a perfectly normal Hogwarts student (with only a few near-death experiences, a reasonable amount of murder, and his mass-murderer godfather hiding in his trunk), and the author spends a good portion of his time ignoring the plot for exploring magical theory and the power of friendship.
Series
- Part 1 of harry gets a little murder as a treat
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Another goblin rebellion is brewing, and Harry Potter is going to fund it. They’ll cut the boy a fair deal. He hands over the Potter fortune, and in exchange, they’ll do some simple tasks for him like revealing his countless Lordships, resurrecting his dead parents, and destroying Voldemort's horcruxes.
Luckily, the goblins have Burlik Big-Sword, the perfect goblin for the job. Serving as the fragile connection between beings and beasts, perhaps friendship, empathy and communication can heal the prejudiced roots deep in magical society. Or swords. Burlik would prefer to settle things with swords.
(A crack subversion of the OP!Goblins trope)
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“You have traps that hurt the body, but not ones that hurt the spirit,” Snape said in a somber tone. “The Dark Lord is arrogant, to defeat him you must break him. He has insecurity within, buried deep under many masks. Humiliate him, and he will falter. Emasculate him, and he will perish.”
James threw up his hands in defeat. “By pranking him with bloody schoolyard jinxes!?”
“It is the only way."James had no idea how things had gotten so out of control, but there was an obstacle course and a haunted house in their front yard, three different boggarts in their bathroom, and tripwire on every stair leading up to the nursery. Yeah… this will definitely keep out Voldemort.
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Harry Potter and The Muggle Postman by psychoSlaughter
Fandoms: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
30 Aug 2022
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Ordinary muggle postman Edmund's day starts with pondering over a suspicious letter addressed to "the cupboard under the stairs" and ends with him single-handedly defeating the dark lord Voldemort.
Starts serious, ends very much crack
Recent series
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harry gets a little murder as a treat by psychoSlaughter
Fandom: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
16 Jun 2024
- Words:
- 163,842
- Works:
- 1
- Bookmarks:
- 146
Recent bookmarks
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Everyone knows Dementors can take souls, but nothing says that they have to keep them. After the Dementor attack in Little Whinging ends disastrously, Harry must find a place for himself in a new world, fighting a different sort of war against the nascent Voldemort.
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 409,773
- Chapters:
- 45/45
- Collections:
- 87
- Comments:
- 3,883
- Kudos:
- 16,565
- Bookmarks:
- 7,867
- Hits:
- 668,519
Bookmarked by psychoSlaughter
18 Aug 2025
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The wind drops, suddenly, and the swirls of billowing snow settle between them slowly. Arthur squints as the figure becomes more defined, familiar but… not.
Wrong.
John Marston stands at the top of the crest of the mountain covered in snow and blood. There’s a dead wolf pelt with the head still attached wrapped around his neck and shoulders and he drags two more by the tail behind him. Four violent gashes cut through his cheek and up over his nose.
It’s hard to tell how much of the blood is his and how much is from the wolves.
“The hell, Marston?! You kill those with your bare hands?” Javier demands, looking shocked.
John makes a face that might be intended to be a grin but it’s all teeth. It makes the cuts on his face weep and Arthur feels himself wince in sympathy. Those must be painful.
“I had a knife.”
Or
John closes his eyes on Beechers Hope and opens them to teeth at his throat.
Series
- Part 1 of Sunset in Purgatory
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 62,702
- Chapters:
- 18/?
- Comments:
- 303
- Kudos:
- 1,191
- Bookmarks:
- 262
- Hits:
- 25,657
Bookmarked by psychoSlaughter
15 Aug 2025
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Harry was supposed to pick- move on and be with his parents, or go back to finish the battle with Voldemort. But even Dumbledore doesn't know everything, and Harry finds that there are actually a lot more options than those two.
Harry wants more than what he got. He wants a home. He wants a family. He wants a chance to be happy. He isn't sure he deserves all that, but he's going to try anyway. If only to spite Dumbledore and Voldemort's plans both.
OR: Harry Potter wakes up ten years old but with all of his memories from age seventeen. He immediately begins to make Mistakes.
Series
- Part 1 of time and other illusions
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 124,359
- Chapters:
- 34/?
- Collections:
- 41
- Comments:
- 2,730
- Kudos:
- 13,317
- Bookmarks:
- 5,191
- Hits:
- 407,420
Bookmarked by psychoSlaughter
11 Jul 2025
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Harry Potter's family isn't only at Number 4 Privet Drive. Unaware to even Dumbledore, an upheaval is approaching. The Ancient and Noble House of Black is reclaiming their power and changing the future of the magical world.
*Update: May 2020 — This story has been getting a lot of new readers lately, so I wanted to let you know that, yes, this story is currently on hiatus. As with many writers, I struggle with mental health issues, but I am working on them AND working on getting back to this story as soon as I possibly can. I sincerely thank you for your sweet comments and patience*
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 191,678
- Chapters:
- 39/?
- Collections:
- 13
- Comments:
- 3,499
- Kudos:
- 8,353
- Bookmarks:
- 3,233
- Hits:
- 317,241
Bookmarked by psychoSlaughter
26 Oct 2022
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Summary
Voldemort, unexpectedly short on money and growing tired of both Wormtail's existence and Nagini's incessant pleas to eat the wizard, has a most brilliant idea: crowdfunding, and the first reward tier is a livestreamed broadcast of Nagini getting her wish. It is a massive success - and the people demand more.
Said 'people' just so happens to include one Boy-Who-Lived.
Series
- Part 1 of Dark Livestream Extended Universe
- Part 10 of October, 2021
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 99,177
- Chapters:
- 29/?
- Collections:
- 53
- Comments:
- 2,691
- Kudos:
- 8,487
- Bookmarks:
- 2,381
- Hits:
- 254,288
Bookmarked by psychoSlaughter
26 Oct 2023