Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Joker didn't get out much. Sure, he went out plenty to toy with Batman and the boy blunder and enact various schemes, machinations, and plans, but never for anything that wasn't business. Granted, it didn't feel like business to him, but the principle still stood. Harley would go out and have girls nights every Friday, Condiment King had a day job at a hot dog stand, and him...he just kind of sat in his lair watching TV and eating popcorn with so much butter it made his makeup smear. Harley didn't want to butt in, (that was a lie she loved getting into other people's business) but he was starting to become a statue. Go out to the roller rink, J-man sitting in the chair. Come back from the roller rink, J-man sitting in the chair. Trying to sit in the chair to watch Say Yes To The Dress, J-man sitting in the chair. She didn't mind that much, but he was lumpy and they were short on chairs.

So, one pleasant morning, (not that you could tell with no windows in the hideout) She leaned on the arm of the chair while he was flipping through old cartoons. “Hey Mista J, when was the last time you went outside?”

Joker flipped the remote around in his hand absentmindedly. “Uhhh, yesterday, when I robbed that joke shop. Their seltzer water was just regular water. Despicable.” He looked angrily off into the middle distance with an air of righteousness.

She draped herself more firmly over his shoulder. “No J-man, I mean reeeeeeeeeaaaaally go out. Like not on a job.” He went to answer, but she cut in again. “Or to get take out.” He snapped his sharp jaws shut with a frown. “Uh-huh, thought so.” She skated around to the front of his chair and grabbed one of his arms before starting to pull. “Come on J-man, ya gotta go and get some sun. You’re suuuuuper pale.”

Joker reluctantly let himself slump out of the chair and patted his own cheek. “Wait, really?” It was only as he was being forcibly thrown into his room it clicked. “Hey, wait a minute-” He was tossed into the mess of gags and tear away pants that made up his room and had the door forcibly closed behind him. He banged on the door half heartedly. “Harls, let me out.”

She put one hand on her chin while holding the door shut with the other. “Lemme think, mmmmm, no. Put some clothes on-”

He tried to break in. “I am wearing clothes-”

She wasn't having it. “Put some NORMAL clothes on and wash off all your stage make up, you’re going out and being a person.”

There was silence before she heard him stalk off farther into the room. “I don't wanna be a person…”

“Aw, poor baby.” She sat on the banister by his room to wait for him.

Approximately thirty minutes later the door opened and Jack Napier came out. He was wearing a to baggy sweater and to baggy pants. His makeup was only mostly taken off, but at least his hair was no longer green and a more arguably natural shade of red.

Harley smiled sensitively. “Honey…” She skated over and put her hands on his face. “Did you use the baby wipes I got you?

He mumbled. “No, I don't like how they smell.”

She took a pack of wipes out of her purse and started wiping furiously at his face. “If babies can use them so can you.”

He made gagging noises and tried to stick his tongue out, but it was a poor decision to make when your face is being wiped by baby wipes, one that resulted in actual gagging. The she-clown skated backwards slightly to admire her work. “There ya go sweetums, all clean.”

Joker felt less clean and more slightly sticky as he tried to pull his bangs out of his fac, but without the usual product, they just kind of puffed everywhere. The former doctor started skating around him and pulling at his clothes making humming sounds. The clown prince was getting a little fed up. “What? Don’t like my fashion sense?”

Her perfectly lipsticked mouth twisted up slightly. “It's not that. It's just…” She pulled at the sleeve of his sweater again. “It's about seventy out. Not really sweater weather.”

There was a silence as Jack slowly turned around and went back into the room. “Ah.”

The door clicked softly and after some more clothes rustling he emerged once more in a more practical t-shirt and shorts. He stood akimbo as if showing himself off. “There. Happy?”

She went up and pinched his flesh colored, but still pale, cheek. “I'm always happy with you around puddin’.” She finally let go of his cheek with a small smack. “Now, let's go someplace fun! The park? What about the beach? Don't have to worry about your makeup running now. Maybe the mall? Ice cream shop?” She kept listing off ideas while skating back down the stairs and towards the door, past the TV that was still on and being occupied by Killer Croc and Gentleman Ghost. Joker followed with his hands in his pockets. He knew he was going to have fun, but he felt naked without his makeup. He tuned out some of what Harl was saying, knowing she was mostly talking to herself at this point, and noticed the two were watching the news.

The announcer was talking in front of a picture of Wayne manor. Joker never got that Wayne guy. He was richer than sin, why did he need to split rent with Batman? Maybe they were old college buddies and he was just helping a bat guy out. That was definitely the most likely reason. “The annual Charity Ball is being held tonight at Wayne manor and even from the outside you can tell they are really pulling out all the stops. The ball is invitation only, but the proceeds are going to-”

Gentleman Ghost spoke over the announcer as he tried to figure out why the remote wasn't working (Croc was behind him eating the batteries). “How can it be annual if they have one every week? Seems a bit contrived.”

Harley suddenly spun around and caused Joker to bump into her and nearly fall, thankfully she was more sure on her feet in skates then he was in shoes. She caught and held him a little to close as she stared starry eyed at the TV that was still showing mansion b-roll. “Heyyyy J-man, I think I know where we should gooooo.”

Jack sighed dramatically. “But girl-buddy, that means I'll have to change again...and I hate suits.”

“Puddin’ you wear a suit every day.” She tweaked his nose.

He rubbed it slightly and sighed even more dramatically while going rag doll in her arms. “I hate BORING suits. Can we crash the place instead? Maybe take some hostages?”

She set him back up on his feet and spun him around to go back up the stairs. “No, tonight is your day off mister! No costuming for you!”

He tried to let all his lanky weight fall on her to stop her from shoving him up the steps, but throwing around the big hammer had given her upper body strength to rival Killer Croc. She payed no mind to his moaning and kept talking away. “Oooooh, maybe I can invite Ivy, we could make it a date!”

Jack was able to maneuver out of her push and spin around on the landing in front of his room. “Well, I wouldn't want to be a third wheel, so you do that and I'll just stay home and hold down the-”

She stamped her foot which made a lot more racket then it should have because of the skate wheels. “No more excuses Mista J! I didn't wanna have to do this, but…” Her eyes wandered around the room. “Don’t you wanna try and find out more about Batman through Bruce Wayne. I mean their housemates, he probably has some juicy gossip on batboy.”

Joker went to rebuttal, but instead just hung his mouth open for a second before closing it. He then quickly shot back inside his room and slammed the door. Clothes could be heard furiously being tossed about inside. Harley knocked on the door distinctly. “But no picking fights!”

The door opened slightly to show Joker with a look of fake shock on his face. “Harley, when have I ever…” He let the obvious answer linger in the air before laughing maniacally and slamming the door again.

Harley giggled with him and skated away back to her room while pulling out her cell. She’d have to make some calls to get the invites and coordinate outfits with Ivy. This was totally worth missing out on ice cream and the beach combined.

Chapter Text

Not to brag, but the two of them looked hotter than sliced bread. Harley's dress was sensible in cut, but less so in the amount of sequins and sparkles on it. It was bright red of course and matched with her bright red lips and smokey eyes. On anyone else it would have been to much, but she pulled it off on personality alone.

Joker had a closet to rival Batman’s and of course was able to find a ‘boring’ suit. The suit in question had purple silk accents while the outside was mostly the more traditional black. The tails were also nearly non-existent. Tragic. He was so tempted to put on lipstick, but he knew that would cross over from cheeky hinting to actually risking them getting caught. He decided just to put on some eyeliner. It didn't feel like enough, but they were going to be late anyway.

Harley knocked on his door rancorously, not the first time that day. “Come on Mista J, we’re gonna be late!”

He emerged slowly while still trying to fix his tie. “I’m here, I’m here.” His hair kept falling in his eyes and making it hard for him to tie it properly, but again, slicking his hair back like normal might give away too much. Harley sighed and reached into her purse for something before motioning for him to come closer. “I’m not a child Harley. I can tie my own-” She stuck a few bobby pins into his bangs to pin them back. “Oh. Thanks, that's...actually much better.” He finished tying the tie in a passable knot. “Is there anything you don't have in that bag.”

She giggled and grabbed his hand. “Yes, a date! She's waiting outside with the car and I don't want to keep her waiting.”

She tugged him down the stairs and as he stumbled down them after her, he began to think maybe not having long coat tales was a good call. “Car?”

They emerged outside and Harley waved to a shiny black limo parked in front of the hideout. “Ta~da!”

Ivy was leaning against the side of the car checking her phone. She put it away when she noticed them. Her dress was less risky than her usual fare but no less green. Jack had to admit, the color did go well with her hair. She gave them both a hug before opening the car door. “Ready to go, Doctor and Mister Harleen Quinzel?”

Harley curtsied and slid inside the car elegantly. “Only if you are, Doctor Pamela Isley.” They both giggled at the absurdity of their ‘real names’.

After they were all inside and the car started moving, Joker couldn't help but fill the silence. “You're making me feel like the odd man out for not going to medical school. Harls, be honest with me, am I just your trophy husband?” He made exaggerated pouty lips.

She pinched his cheek to hard to truly mean it. “Of course not Mista J, you're not even my regular husband.”

He grasped his heart dramatically. “Oh, the pain, how will I live? How will I continue on?”

Ivy handed him some rubber bands and a brush. “By holding these, I need to fix your ‘girl-buddies’ hair.” She set about undoing the messy bun it had been in and brushing it out carefully. “You bring the glasses, Lee?”

Harley reached into her magic bag once again and pulled out two pairs of glasses. “Ugh, I hate these things. They hide all the work I put into my eye makeup.”

Pamela started braiding the hair and reached over for a rubberband before booping Harley on the nose lightly. “But they also make you look like a cute nerd.”

Harley giggled. “They make both of us look like cute nerds.”

Jack made gagging noises. “Yes, you're both adorable. Could you please save it for a dark corner of the dance hall?”

Quin stuck her tongue out at him. “Not my fault I'm beautiful.” Ivy finally finished and rid Joker's hands of the hair supplies.

She admired her work before sitting up in her seat normally and turning her attention to Jack. “So ‘Jack’, gunna fly solo tonight or are you lookin’ for someone?” She quirked an eyebrow.

Joker let out a scoff. “Only person I’m looking for is Bruce Wayne.”

Pamela’s eyebrow rose once more. “Ooooooh, aiming high are we?”

That caused Jack to sputter slightly. “What? No, not like that! I’m doing it to get at Batman.”

Ivy nodded sagely. “Ah, you're flirting with his roommate to make him jealous so he'll pay more attention to you.”

His voice reached a falsetto pitch. “What! No! I’m trying to get information on him so I can get the upper hand. Not…” His face was nearly as red as Ivy's hair and his mouth twisted up almost painfully. “Any of that other stuff you said.” He crossed his arms and looked out the window sulkily while Pam laughed heartily at him.

She eventually stopped laughing and shrugged while looking at her nails. “I mean, no reason you can't do two things at once.”

This was fun to watch but Harley didn't want her boss to implode. “Whatcha sayin’, Pamsy?”

Ivy decided her nails were shiny enough and lounged back in her seat with an eyeroll. “I’m saying that Bruce Wayne's one of Gotham's most eligible bachelors and not trying to get with him when you have a chance like this is crazy. Well, crazier than usual.”

Joker scoffed. “Well, then why don't you try and go for him? Hm?”

Pamela put one her of arms around Harley's middle and squeezed lightly. “‘Cause my dance cards full ‘J-man’. Come on, ‘Jack’ doesn't get out that much. Live a little.”

Joker scrunched tighter against the side door of the limo. Well, now he couldn't even smile at Wayne or Ivy would get that know-it-all smile. Or, or, he could woo Brucy so hard that he became the actual prince of Gotham and not just the clown one. That would show Ivy...by doing exactly what she said to do. Ya, take that. How hard could wooing a spoiled brat billionare be? He just had to turn up the old Joker charm.

Wait.

He wasn't the Joker, he was Jack Napier. When had he last been this guy? He was almost sure he was a huge loser. It slowly dawned on him and he had completely forgotten how to have a normal civilian persona.

He suddenly turned to the rest of his party. “Harley, this was a bad idea. We have to go back, like, now.”

She rolled her eyes and straightened his tie. “Oh come on J-man, don't get cold feet.” She put on her own pouty face. “I went through a lot of trouble to get these tickets…”

He grabbed her gloved hands. “No, Harley, you don't understand. I don't remember how to-” Before he could finish his thought the car lurched to a stop and his door was opened by the butler that had apparently been driving. On closer inspection it seemed to be Wesker without Scarface. That guy was never getting out of driving the getaway car again. ‘It’s dangerous to drive with only one hand’ his butt. Speaking of things that didn't make sense, how had they driven a limo all the way to an island? Wouldn't they’ve had to stop to-

Harley promptly shoved him out of his train of thought and onto the stone walkway of a pleasant looking driveway/garden. “Move it or lose it Mister J, I got free finger foods to eat.” She stepped out of the car behind him gracefully putting her glasses on. It was amazing how quick she could shift personalities, and voices for that matter. Ivy followed behind her and took her arm. They started walking much more confidently than him as he subtly tried to mirror their posture. Back straight, shoulders back, hands...uh...pockets? No, that looked to casual. In the jacket? To Napoleon. Hanging at his sides like limp noodles? Perfect.

The garden was like something out of a movie. Perfectly trimmed trees lined the driveways and walkways, all strung up with fairy lights. He tried to be casual, but couldn't stop his head from ping ponging around to all the famous people and high class things around him. If this was the lawn, what would the inside be like? He shivered, but he wasn't sure if it was anticipation or deep, gnawing anxiety. He realised he had almost lost the girls and quickly ran up behind them as they were handing the man at the door their invitations. His eyes were perfectly accepting of the two woman, but seemed to catch on him. Jack tried to smile reassuringly before he remembered his sharp teeth and that smiling anyway but menacingly wasn't really something he could do. The doorman waved them in and and gave them all back their invitations. Joker seemed to get his shoved back at him a little to forcefully, but maybe he was just imagining things.

After they were all inside, Harley turned her to him with a flourish of her dress and gave him a kiss on the cheek. “Okay sweetums, have fun. Play nice with the other kids and no fighting.” She patted his cheek again and spun back around to drag Ivy onto the dance floor.

“Harley, no wait!” He tried to follow them, but a sea of people in suits nicer than his blocked his path.

She waved behind herself to him. “Call me if you need anything!”

This was ridiculous. “Har-” He stamped his foot. “Harley!” It was no use. She was gone. He sighed and tried to scope out a good spot on the wall to regain his bearings. Remember, this was just like any other mission, machination, or plan. Just find Bruce Wayne, get the dirt on Batman, and then retreat to the snack table to shove his mouth full of chocolate something or other. With his plan set in place he nodded distinctly and turned around to immediately smack directly into someone's chest.

The guy’s chest felt like a brick wall. Jack unfortunately felt this with his face. He nearly stumbled backwards, possibly onto the floor, but more likely into someone else. Fortunately, this guy’s reflexes were better than Jack’s and he was able to grab his arms to steady him. “Whoa! You good?”

No, he was not good. He was stuck in a room with to many people and his nose was currently recovering from being smashed. He looked up to respond to that effect, but was distracted by the guy’s face. He had never personally used to word ‘chiseled’ to describe someone's face before, but this guy’s face definitely fit that description. His eyes were also insanely blue. The combination made him stop his train of thought for a second. “Uh, yeah...sure.”

Something about this guy’s voice and face were reminding him of someone. Some kind of itch he was just barely unable to scratch. The guy’s face seemed to have a well trained default expression of pleasantness to it before it suddenly shifted into one of slight shock. Aw, crap. The guy recognised him. He let go of Joker suddenly and reached into his coat pocket. Jack was ready to try and bolt into the crowd, but then the guy brought out a handkerchief. A nice cloth one. He didn't think people still carried those around. “Your nose is bleeding.”

Jack dumbly reached his hand up to feel his upper lip to confirm that yes, his nose had just started bleeding from smacking into some hot guy’s chest. He searched the guys face for any ulterior motive as he took the cloth slowly. “Thanks.” He put it to his face and wondered what he was supposed to do now. He hadn't gotten a nose bleed since middle school. Were you supposed to lean back? No, you were supposed to lean forward...right? He looked around for some place to sit down and take care of this. Apparently, this mystery guy had the same idea and put his hand on the small of Joker’s back to guide him through the crowd to some plush looking benches against the wall. They had been completely obscured by the crowd and Jack never would have found them otherwise.

He sat down and the bench was way more comfortable than any bench should be. The very notion of a bench didn't make you want to immediately stand back up was just weird. Not weird like a clown supervillain weird, more like seeing your teacher at the grocery store weird. Your mind focused on odd things when holding your nose at the fringes of a party with a literal brick house of a man sitting next to you.

The guy finally spoke. “I’m sorry, I should have watched where I was going.” The line seemed more practiced than sincere, but he supposed the guy was trying.

Jack tried to laugh, but was stifled a little by the lack of the use of his nose. He should probably keep the laughing to a minimum anyway. His was rather...distinct. “I ran into you.”

The guy shrugged. “But I’m not the one bleeding.” Joker had to concede that. “What's your name by the way? I don't think I’ve ever seen you at one of these parties before.”

Okay Joker, this is the test, play it cool. As cool as you can while holding a monogramed hankie up to your face. Come to think of it he probably could take that away now. He gave a final sniff before responding. “The name’s Jack. I, uh, don't go too many parties.” The best lies had a sliver of truth.

The guy’s eyes seemed to shine for a moment before his smile grew exponentially wider. “Well, my name is Bruce Wayne and since you've decided to make my party one of the few ones you go to I think it's only right I show you a good time.” Jack got the idea that this guy was just looking for an excuse to show off, but he could empathize with that. He clenched the to soft handkerchief in his hand. Wait, THIS guy was Bruce Wayne? That’s where Jack must have recognized him from. Yep, definitely the kind of guy that would offer his old college roommate a place to stay even if it was just so he could say he did. Jack looked at the quaffed hair and thousand dollar smile. He narrowed his eyes. Yeah...roommate...and nothing more.

He was so busy taking in all this information he almost forgot to respond. Wayne didn't seem off put by his hesitance, seemingly to sure of himself to have doubts like that. Jack finally nodded and put on what he hoped was an equally dazzling smile, shark teeth notwithstanding. “Lead the way, Mister Wayne.”

Bruce grabbed Jack's hand to drag him back up and out onto the dance floor once again. “Please, call me Bruce.”

Joker smiled a less wholesome smile when no one was looking, edging into supervillain territory. This was working out better than expected and he might even have some fun in the process.

Chapter Text

Joker had a brand. He had a reputation to upkeep that could only happen if he was fully entrenched in his schtick at all times. Most of the time he enjoyed it. At nine in the morning after being woken up by seven laughing cuckoo clocks was not one of those times. He was torn between dealing with the pain in his head of letting them blare or the pain in his body of going to shut them all off. This was remedied for him when his door was kicked in after about the fifth chim and Harley walked in with her hammer. After all the clocks were splintered she dragged her hammer behind her and shut the door softly. Jack vaguely mumbled under his breath. “You're the best girl-buddy.”

Unfortunately, now he was awake, in pain, and unlikely to go back asleep unless he at least slammed some ibuprofen. He practically rolled out of his bed and onto the floor, thankfully padded by the mounds of clothes he had shoved out of his closet when searching for clothes the previous night. He staggered into his bathroom and after downing some medicine that would take at least half an hour to work, he got the idea to take a shower. The way this idea manifested itself however, was him lying face down in his bathtub in only his pajama bottoms. He didn't know how long he had been there, but apparently it was to long as Harley had walked in softly to stand over him. “Wow ‘Jack’, your kind of light weight.”

Joker wanted to shoot her a look of disdain, but the cold tub felt to good on his face to move it. “‘M not a light weight.”

Harley nodded slowly and went over to get some more pain pills from the cabinet. Apparently she ran out and needed some as well. “What about last year's Christmas party?”

The clown rumbled in agitation. “Freeze made jello shots and I didn't know they were alcoholic until the fifth one.”

Harley raised an eyebrow while crunching the pills between her teeth. “Didn't know jello ‘shots’ were alcoholic?”

Jack snapped his teeth. “Margarita pizzas don't have margaritas on them.”

Quinn had to concede that and went to walk out. “Guess I’ll have to wait to hear about all your Bruce Wayne exploits.” He went to jerk his head up to respond, but he hit it on the bathtub spigot instead. It felt like his head was a bell that had just been rung. Harley winced in sympathy. “Oh babe.” She waited a second as he seemed to curl up into a small ball. “You good? Need some ice?”

The clown groaned. “Just turn the shower on cold.”

She looked at his partially clothed form and just shrugged as she turned the knobs. “Try not to drown.”

He curled up tighter and groaned again in response.

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By the time everyone was up and in the kitchen for noon breakfast, they were all feeling a little less dead. Joker still had his eyes closed, Harley munched on some toast, and Ivy tried to play games on her phone despite it hurting her eyes. She finally seceded that she wouldn't be able to and sat the phone down on the table with a click. “So, how was your little date with Bruce Wayne. Every time I caught sight of the one of you the other wasn't far behind. Seem to have made quite the impression.”

Jack made a face, but didn't open his eyes from where he was slouching in the kitchen chair. “He gave me a nosebleed then tried to teach me how to ballroom dance.”

Ivy shook her head. “I am nearly ninety percent sure there is more to the story then that. You guys were huddled together like gossiping school girls.”

Joker smirked at the memory. “We were making fun of all the rich people.”

Harley motioned with her toast. “But he's a rich people.”

Jack shrugged. “Yeah, but underneath all the spit and shine of that he seems to not be a complete airhead like the rest of them.

Ivy smiled confidently. “So, he has a personality to match the looks?”

He opened one eye to glare at her for continuing to talk when he really just wanted to sit in silence. “As if. The guy was totally self centered and trying to impress everyone all the time.”

Pam’s smile turned into a smirk. “Never heard of someone like that before.” Before He could quip she continued on. “You have to concede he's a very pretty man though.”

Jack's mouth snapped shut with a clack. “He was but somethin’ was weird about him. His body wasn’t really built for someone who does nothing all day. Trust me, I felt it.” Both his gal pals eyebrows went up. He groaned. “No, with my face.” Even higher. “When I ran into him and got the nosebleed.” Both of them calmed their facial hair and Jack tried to untense. “His eyes were really bright though. His voice also kinda reminded me of Bat-” He jerked up once again, but thankfully didn't get impeded by a drain spout this time. “BATMAN! SHIT!” He put his head in his hands partily from the headache he still had and partily from his stupidity. “I...didn’t ask him anything about Batman at all.”

Harley patted him on the back reassuringly. “You sure Mista J? You seemed to talk about alot.”

He couldn't deny he had found himself rambling on and on with this guy, but after a certain number of champagne flutes his recollection of exactly what got a little fuzzy. “Maybe I did but I dont...remember.”

Ivy whistled and got up to get some water. “Let's hope you didn't let anything to embarrassing slip, might make calling him awkward.”

Jack looked at her accusingly. “I don't have his num-” She looked at him knowingly. He quickly paused and fumbled for his phone out of his pocket. There it was, right under the B’s. “How…?”

She chuckled as she leaned against the sink to drink her water. “You were staring at it moonily the whole way back in the car.”

He shook his head, not taking his eyes off the contact. “Gunna be honest with you, do not remember how I got home last night.”

She rolled her eyes and walked away. “Have fun with your new boy toy, I gotta get home and water my plants.” He waved at her absentmindedly as Harley rushed after her to say goodbye.

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Across town, someone else in a very different house was also staring mystified at his phone screen. His head was pounding, but his curtains were thankfully closed and his bedside table already had some pain tablets and a glass of water on it. Good old Alfred. The aforementioned butler somehow knew he was awake soon after that and walked in with some breakfast. “Good Morning, Master Bruce. Have a pleasant time last night?”

He didn't look away from his phone, but sat up some more. “Yeah…” He usually had fun at parties, even if it did get tiring schmoozing up to people who had never even once punched someone out. Last night was different though. He genuinely had a good time with this Jack guy who just seemed to show up out of nowhere. He was skeptical at first thinking the guy was some kind of party crashing paparazzi, but as the night went on and the guy asked him nothing about Batman at all, he started to slowly believe that he really was just some introvert that had somehow gotten a ticket. He seemed to be one of the most genuine people in the room despite the fact that Bruce couldn't recall him really saying anything about himself. Sure, he rambled on and on about ‘Say Yes to the Dress’ and about his favorite foods, but nothing really concrete. Nothing about his job or how much money he made or even who made his clothes. Usually, people were all about bragging about those things like that at these parties. This Jack guy seemed pretty average.

After noticing Bruce’s intense stare at his phone and lack of appetite for the bagel he brought Alfred stepped into his thoughts. “Will you be needing a new phone after this party, sir?” Bruce wasn't always the most discreet with his number at these parties and several phones had been abandoned because of it.

“What? No!” He held the phone slightly closer as if Alfred was going to physically take it away from him. “I mean...I only gave one guy my number and he seems cool.”

Alfred smiled genuinely as he turned to walk out. “I’m glad to see you opening up and making friends.”

Batman embarrassedly wouldn't look at him and focused on his bagel. “Yeah, whatever.” He needed to find more about this Jack guy. Not in a creepy way though, because Batman was never creepy. He was scary to villains and awe inspiring to everyone else. Never creepy.

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Joker wished he could just stay in his chair and pass out all day. His mind was so full of stupid and useless stuff. Did Bruce mean to give him his number? Was he expected to call him or wait for him to call? After thinking and watching TV did nothing but make his headache worse, he decided that maybe this ‘going outside’ thing could do him some good. He tossed his phone on his bed and dressed in the shorts he was going to wear yesterday but had to change in favor of a tux. Not that he was complaining. The new shirt he put on was just gold, though. It was a tank top that said ‘Funny How?’. He had never watched Goodfellas, but he could appreciate a joke when he saw one.

He yelled at Harley that he'd be back later and sashayed out the door. Maybe he’d go to the ice cream shop Harley had mentioned yesterday. If he got an ice cream headache would it fight the regular headache and leave him with no headache? That seemed logical. It was even hotter than the previous day and the place was buzzing with people sitting outside and in. He got something sufficiently purple (not grape though, grape ice cream tasted like medicine) and leaned up against the building while people watching.

This was...nice. It was quiet and normal. Both things that Joker hated but strangely. at the moment, it seemed okay. Maybe it was only Jack who liked it. All this split identity stuff was confusing and not helping his headache so he stopped thinking about it.

There were lots of people to distract himself with. Couples eating from the same come dreamily, kids annoying their parents for what flavor they wanted, and teens being social with one another. Very few people seemed to be here alone, except for one kid. He was sitting all by himself at a table that was clearly meant to fit at least four people. He had the most enormous coke bottle glasses Jack had ever seen. Wow, even for a dork this kid was too much.

He was in the process of wondering what prescription called for glasses 3 cm thick when there was a loud crash from nearby. He crushed the cone between his fingers in shock, luckily he was almost done with it anyway. It was still cold and sticky which he did not enjoy. Shaking his hand out onto the pavement he looked around for what made the nose. A large neon blue mech was making it way towards them and blasting haphazardly at the people running in every direction. Yep, that would do it. Joker rolled his eyes. Come on Freeze, we agreed to put all the crimes we were doing on the community calendar on the fridge so that nothing would conflict. You can't just go all willy nilly like this. He made a mental note to yell at Freeze about it later as he slowly wiped his hands on his cargo shorts and started making his way nonchalantly away from the scene. but before he could, something caught his eye. Everyone was running in different directions trying to get away from the supervillain except for him (obviously) and the glasses kid. The kid was frozen in place and Joker would have said he was frozen with fear but really, he seemed to be glaring daggers at Freeze like he was mad at him. Jack could empathise with that, but what kind of beef could this kid have with him? He must really like ice cream.

He was about to bow out around the side of the building when an errant freeze bolt hit the giant novelty ice cream sign on top of the building and it started to topple. Jack noticed where it was falling about three seconds before the kid did and that was enough time for him to scoop the kid out of the way. They both landed thankfully unscathed with the kid looking dazed and glasses askew.

Joker had other emotions. He turned to the mech without thinking. “WHAT THE HELL FREEZE? NO KIDS!” The supervillain looked at him sheepishly and with some other emotion that it took Joker a while to place. He didn't recognize him. He wasn't Joker, he was just some random guy on the street no one knew from anybody yelling at a supervillain. Before anyone could react further, a batarang came flying and knocked Freeze off balance. As the short battle ensued Jack stood up and dusted himself off. It was weird to see Batman fight at this angle. Usually, he was on the receiving end. Just felt off. He looked over to the kid who was also enamored by the action. He held out his hand and knelt down slightly. “Hey kid, ya’ll right?”

The kid looked at him with the most puppydog eyes he had ever scene and readjusted his glasses before taking the hand to help himself stand up. “Oh, yah. Thanks! Thank you so much for saving me!” Jack wasn't used to being thanked for saving anything, much less a person.

He shrugged. “Well, I mean, everyone knows to much ice cream is bad for you.”

The kid giggled and Joker grinned crookedly with his sharp teeth. The kid didn't seem bothered by it though and just kept beaming up at him. A sudden loud thud made them both turn to see Freeze and his mech toppled over and dysfunctional thanks to the Batman currently standing triumphantly on top of it. The hero scanned around and spotted the both of them before quickly doing several arguable unnecessary flips to get over to them. Joker didn't mind though, he loved seeing him show off how strong he was. Jack sometimes had trouble with two milk jugs at a time, how was this guy even real?

Wait, why was he coming over to them? Did he recognize him? Shit. He stepped backwards slightly ready to bolt, but then the kid jumped forward ecstatically. “Padre!”

Joker stopped being terrified and started being confused. “Padre?”

Batman smiled slightly and ruffled the kid's hair. “Whats up kiddo? Can't even get ice cream without trying to fight some crime?” The kid giggled again and tried to fix his hair. Bat-dad turned his attention to Jack and he froze trying to play it cool. He thought he saw some kind of recognition in his eyes, but it was hard to tell through the glowing blue lenses. Shit, he knew, he knew! Batman's smile dropped slightly. “Who's this guy?”

The kid turned towards him and held out his hand as if showing him off. “This is-” He stopped himself short and took a breath. “...the guy who saved me from getting crushed by an Ice cream sign and who I just realised I never asked the name of. I’m so sorry. My name’s Dick, what's yours?” He held out his hand expectantly. The kid not asking him his name was the least weird thing about this situation.

He reluctantly shook the kids hand before he noticed to his horror that his tattoos were showing. He had completely forgotten about them. Why did he wear a sleeveless shirt today? In front of one of the few people that even knew the Joker he had tattoos on his arms? He quickly put his hands behind his back nonchalantly. “J-Jack Napier. Nice to meet you.” The kid seemed none the wiser, but as he turned to Batman he noticed a look of complete recognition on his face. Yep, he definitely knew who he was.

Batman pointed at him. “You!” Jack jumped nearly out of his skin and started backing away slowly. The bat seemed to reign himself in again. “I, uh, you were at Bruce's party last night weren't you?”

Joker nodded bitterly. “Yeah. Yep, that’s me.”

Batman put his mask of indifference back on as he crossed his arms. “He mentioned you. Said you had a good time together.”

Well, this was not the way Jack thought this was going. He'd made enough of an impression of Bruce that he mentioned him to Batman? He blushed slightly despite himself. Curse this lack of makeup hiding his emotions. “O-oh? Nice. I mean I had fun to.” This was weird and awkward. Talking about your minor crush to your major crush. Just talking to Batman without animosity outwardly radiation off the superhero was throwing him off. He needed to change the subject. “So is Dick Bruce’s” He couldn't bring himself to say son. “Ward?”

It was Batman's turn to be uncomfortable. “Yes. Well, I mean. We share custody.”

Jokers heart dropped. “Oh, so you two are-”

Batman cut him off frantically. “Nope, no. No. We are not. We are very not. That.”

Jack had to keep himself from sighing in relief outwardly, but that left them in a charged silence. Dick thankfully busted in. “You should have seen it Padre, the ice cream was all ‘pshew’ and then Mr. Napier was just like ‘swoosh’.” Joker could appreciate the sound effects if not their accuracy. “And then he yelled at Mr. Freeze! He looked so shocked!”

Batman looked shocked. “You...yelled at Freeze?”

Jack shrugged like it wasn't a big deal, which it wasn't because he was the Joker, but looked like it was, because he was Jack, and man this was confusing. He couldn't deny his chest swelled with the prospect of Batman being impressed with him. “I mean, yeah, he was way out of line.” He wanted to continue on in more detail, but couldn't think of anything to say that wouldn't either out him or make him a hypocrite. He kind of already was. It wasn't like he didn't attack kids when he was supervillain. Well, one kid. He suspected, the kid he had currently just saved from ice cream destruction. The universe was funny like that.

Batman started to shake slightly and made a sound almost like chuckling. Jack don't think he had ever heard him laugh before, which for a clown, was abysmal, but definitely something he was going home to check off of his bucket list. “Well, it was a good distraction. Maybe be more careful next time though, supervillains can be unpredictable and dangerous.” Joker had to retrain himself so hard from not laughing at the absolute ridiculousness of HIM being told that.

He nodded and started backing away from them. He had to break this off before he said something incriminating. “Thanks for everything. Nice to meet you Dick. Batman, but I have to go do...civilian things.” He went to wave at them, but quickly remembered his tattoos and put it down again with a nervous laugh. “Uuuuuuhhh, see you!” He quickly turned around and ran down the street at top speed. Batman and Robin looked after the fleeing good samaritan with confusion.

They shrugged and walked back the batmobile to go home. Robin turned to his Padre when no one was in earshot anymore. “He was the guy you told me about from the party?” Batman gave a non-distinct grunt. “You were right, he seems like a really nice guy!”

Batman shrugged. “I don't know, seemed a little skittish. Suspicious.”

Dick got into the car and made sure to buckle his seatbelt before replying. “But your Batdad! Anyone would be awestruck by you.”

Batman saw the logic in that immediately, but didn’t talk while he started up the car and drove home at mach speed. Who was this guy and why was he so drawn to him? Even if the guy was awestruck by him, he still treated him more like a person and less like a superhero then most. Normally, Bruce would have been annoyed at him, but something about guy made him strangely okay with it. Why? Who was this guy that he was allowed to be friendly like that? He gripped the wheel so hard it would have bent if it wasn't made of extra strong batplastic.

Robin noticed his Padres tenseness and patted his arm gently. “I think maybe you guys should be friends. You guys have lots in common. Saving me from supervillains, being nice, going to fancy parties. It’s perfect.” There was a beat of silence. “Also, Alfred said you need to get out more.” Batman groaned loudly and turned his mixtape on. He didn't do ‘ships, even friendships. Well, except for Barbara, but she was really more of a rival. He would never tell that to her face, though. He hated to think about how much genuine fun he had the night before with this Jack guy. In the moment it was fine, but before or after any social interaction like that. he would agonize about it. It was just easier to not do it at all. Unfortunately, it felt suspiciously like running away from his problems and Batman never ran from anything. Except maybe clown snakes.

He looked over for a second at Robin’s expectant eyes, all puppy dog and wide. He sighed. He really needed to get this kid some contacts. “Fine, I’ll call him.” Robin hopped happily up and down in his seat as Batman hunched down over the wheel once more. Something was nagging at the back of his mind about this Jack guy but he ignored it because it was probably just his hate of ‘ships affecting his view of the guy. He was probably an average guy. Must like to play cards based on the tattoos. Probably just a nice guy who worked at a whole foods or something.

Chapter Text

As Joker raced home on a mixture of adrenaline and sugar, he put together a few things:

Bruce Wayne really liked him, apparently enough to talk about him to his roommate, Batman

Batman liked him to, but only as long as he was Jack, which was a bit disheartening but could be worse

Batman and Bruce were JUST roommates and NOTHING else

He had crushes on both of them now instead of just one and that was twice as much Hell

All this identity stuff was too stressful and he needed to get back to being Joker fast

He barged into the hideout to find Mister Freeze putting bandaids on the holes in his cold suit. Freeze recognised him before he quickly put the pieces together. “Hey you’re the guy from...JOKER?”

Jack pointed at him accusingly. “We have a community heist calendar for a reason, Freeze!” He didn't say anything more while he stomped up to his room and slammed the door. He rushed into the bathroom and opened up his makeup kit.

Harley knocked on his door quietly and walked in next to him after hearing him rummaging. “You okay sweetums?”

He didn't look at her as he started washing his face and hair to put the dye in. “Get the goons together Harls, were going heisting.”

She put his hand on his shoulder. “Did something happen?”

He rummaged through his drawers for his green hair dye. “We’ll have a full heart to heart after I’m done unhealthily working out my feelings through crime.”

She gave a little salute and closed the door behind her as she left. “Okay doki!”

He didn't want to think about how his heart gave a squeeze when Batman laughed or how much fun he had last night with a stuck up party happy Gotham socialite, but showers were the one place where you couldn't not think. Both of them liked Jack, but both of them hated Joker. He was stuck in some kind of demented love square with himself. He shut off the water and looked at himself in the mirror. He looked at his green hair. He was more comfortable like this, right? He put on his suit with the outrageous tales and his makeup was put on perfectly. Well, it was more controlled chaos makeup application. For the first time in his life this really felt like putting on a mask.

He stomped down the stairs while trying to button his buttons swiftly and walked over to the calendar on the fridge. He took the fuzzy pen tasseled to it and scribbled down ‘Gotham National Bank -Joker’ before stalking back out to the front room. “Harley?”

She poked her head out from somewhere. “Wassup?”

He was halfway out the door. “Were going.”

Harley raced after him. “But I don't got the toughs read yet!”

He disregarded her and hopped into the bright green and purple car they used when going out on the town. “Leave um, let's go. When was the last time we did a heist just the two of us?”

Harley shrugged and hopped in next to him. “Crank it, J-man!” He blasted the CD they kept in the car to get pumped and sped off.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bruce hated going to the bank. It was stuffy, boring, and it involved math. He hated all those words. He had been getting random chores done all day (minus the time he took out to kick freezes butt) but on the plus side, it meant he could use them as excuses for why he hadn't called Jack yet. He had wanted to at least do a background check of the guy using the Batcomputer but Alfred said that ‘wasn't how people made friends’ and ‘a bit creepy’. While waiting in an uncomfortable chair to speak with his banker he almost caved into calling his party friend just because of how bored he was. How many games of digital solitar could he play without going crazy? Both the notion of going crazy and the card suits in his game made him think of a certain hyper clown. Huh, who knew card suit tattoos were that popular. Especially on the arm, he had heard that that was one of the places the tattoos faded the easiest. Back to the less savory of the two people he knew with tattoos like that, He hadn't actually heard from Joker in a while. Half of him hoped that after the momentous heel turn of helping him save Gotham he would stay out of crime indefinitely, but really, he knew that the clown was probably just planning something big. He should keep an eye out. No telling when he could strike.

Just then the door to the bank busted open and purple smoke came flooding in along with Joker and Harley. “Honey, I’m hoooooooome!”

Right now, apparently, is when he would strike. Bruce looked around franticly trying to find some place to dive into to change before he was noticed. Joker surveyed his surroundings with gleeful malice until his eyes caught on a well dressed man sitting off to the side who seemed to be trying to sneak off into the bathroom with his phone already out, probably to call police. “Stop right there, walky talky. Ya, you there with the suit and the smartphone ou-” Bruce turned around slowly as to not spook him despite Joker's gun looking more like a toy then anything. He learned not to judge weird looking gun shaped objects wielded by supervillains until he actually had seen them work.

After looking at the neon colored weapon he looked back up into the familiar face of the clown and struggled to act like he was afraid like any other high class fop in this situation. He was thrown slightly though when the clown seemed to have a mixture of shock and horror on his face. Bruces heart clenched. Shit, he recognised him. He wouldn't tell would he? That would be a breach of superhero/villain trust, right? Did something like that even exist? Quick, turn up the helplessness. “I-I was just trying to-”

Joker shook his head and put up his hand, his face schooling back into one of glee, though it somehow looked a bit more forced now. “Can it, suit vest, and hand over your valuables.” Jack hated this. He didn't want to rob this guy, but he couldn't just not rob him and rob everyone else. It would look weird. Wait, this guy was different than everyone else, he was Batman's friend. Crap. That meant that however long it took for Batman to normally respond to a bank robbery would probably be cut in half. Pissing off both his crushes at once. Great. This was not helping his love sickness at all.

His heart couldn't help but clench painfully while Bruce went into his pocket to get out his wallet. Jack knew he should probably be paying attention to the other people in the bank so he turned around slightly to see if Harley was doing okay on her own. She was roller skating around with a bag swiftly being filled with loot. That's my girl. He went to turn back around to the seemingly harmless socialite, but was caught off guard as his laugh gun was knocked out of his hand sharply and onto the floor. “Wha-” His shock was replaced with pain as he got socked in the face. He stumbled back and grabbed his face, barely able to stay upright. He hunched over slightly. “Ow, fuck!” He looked up at the guy who had just punched him in the face. Bruce seemed to have a lot of sides to him. Mostly hard sides. Made of bricks.

His eyes seemed furious and were staring holes through Joker. This guy had just punched a supervillain in the face while being held hostage. Whoa. Joker was torn between being in pain and being enamored. Why did he have a thing for people who punched him in the face? Might have to talk with Harley about that, it's probably something psychological. He just stared at Bruce in awe and let his hands fall from his face. The billionaire's expression shifted away from anger into another face Jack had seen him make recently. He felt his face and his fingers came away read. “Ugh, not again.” He turned around slightly again, making sure not to fully turn his back on Bruce, he learned that lesson and thankfully the shock of seeing the super villain bleed was enough to stop him for the moment. He felt around in his pockets for some tissues before finding a scrap of cloth and quickly used it to stem the meager blood flow. He scanned the crowd that had been excitedly rubbernecking what had been going on. All the easier for Harley to relieve them of their valuables. He needed to get this over with before he made more of a fool of himself. He turned back to unfortunately give Bruce a piece of his mind, but he turned to see the billionaire staring at him in horror. Or more specifically at what he was holding.

He looked down at the piece of cloth and his heart sank. A golden ‘BW’ stared back at him mockingly. It was his handkerchief from the party. He never had given it back. Before Jack could try and hide it or explain himself Bruce stepped forward sharply, making him back peddle. “Where did you get that?” He was sneering at him now.

Joker laughed nervously and shrugged. “Ah y'know, around.”

Bruce looked like he was about to throttle him but then a small boy shaped object flipped in through a near window. “Freeze, Joker!”

Joker quickly stuffed the handkerchief back in his pocket. “Actually, that’s Harley, not Freeze. Need some new glasses, kid?” Quips and jokes he could do. That was easy.

Robin seemed to deflate from his confidante position. “No, I meant-” He shook his head and started smiling broadly again. “Never mind! Everyone get away, I’ll deal with these clowns.”

Huh, nice recovery, kid must be taking lessons from his batdad. Everyone took his advice and started running every which way. Jack looked around trying to spot a certain pointy cowl while also trying to find his gun that was still on the floor. “Where's the big bad bat? Too busy saving kittens from trees?” He looked around franticly while trying to keep his cool. He spotted some colorful plastic and picked it up.

Robin started flipping towards him like a ping pong ball. “Yes, actually! He’ll be here soon!” Jack looked at the mess of plastic that used to be his laugh gun. Well...shit.

Bruce Wayne was at that moment sneaking out the back to suit up. He tried to get into the zone for fighting bad guys, but he couldn't stop thinking about the handkerchief. How had Joker gotten that? He had lots of handkerchiefs, but it could only reasonably be the one that he gave Jack. Had Joker seen him interacting with Jack and done something to him? His heart clenched up at the thought that Jack might be in danger because of him. This is why he didn't do ‘ships. It always went bad. Always, always, always, always. This mantra kept repeating in his head as he clicked himself into his suit.

Joker was currently to busy dodging a metal pole swung by an overzealous 13 year old to think about much of anything. Harley was trying to help him, but it just ending up as some kind of convoluted dance with everyone barely missing one another and dodging around overturned chairs and scattered papers. Finally, Robin missed Jack and his staff hit the floor, but before he could lift it up again, the clown stepped on it to keep it in place. Unfortunately, Harley wasn't expecting that and tripped over the pole as she was trying to skate in between them. The jolt from her tripping did have the benefit of knocking the staff out of the kid’s hand and sendings it skittering across the floor. Both the him and Jack looked at each other. Well, now, they were BOTH alone and both weaponless. They just kind of stood there and looked at each other awkwardly. He wasn't just gonna sucker punch a kid. Joker turned slightly. “Hey Harls, you good?” She gave a small thumbs up from where she had face planted. Well, that was a relief. Robin looked around at the open windows and doors in the place, not wanting to move for his staff unless he was covered. Jack tapped his foot slightly. “So...how long you think Bat’s is gunna be?”

Robin nervously rubbed the back of his neck. “Oh, definitely really soon.”

A few more seconds of awkward silence before Joker realised that maybe he wasn't up to facing Batman right now and he spoke up. “Well, I don't know about you Harley but I feel pretty defeated. You feel defeated?”

The rollerskater got back on her feet with a slight wobble. Her cheek looked red from where she had landed but otherwise she was fine. “Yep, just...very defeated. I feel like going home and plotting revenge. Like, sooo much revenge.”

Jack noded. “Yah, totally, completely.” He grabbed Harley’s hand and turned to leave. “We’ll just show ourselves out.”

There was a sudden sound of a grappling hook and Jack’s leg was stopped from moving forward. He thankfully didn't fall over this time, but was forced to do a stupid looking hop for a few steps. He turned to see Batman standing on the windowsill and glaring at him. Not serious stoic glaring though, angry glaring. He retracted the hook and thankfully let Joker stand normally again. “Joker. Roof. Now.”

Jack tried to back away. “I would Batsy, but my legs aren't what they used to be and you know I'm scared of heights, so I'm going to have to take a rain-” Another grappling hook wrapped around his chest. “Now come on, this-” Batman shot another hook out the window and quickly disappeared out of it, yanking Joker behind him like a ragdoll.

Chapter Text

As Jack's screams of horror slowly faded into the distance Robin and Harley just stood there looking out the window. Neither really felt right fighting while their sparring partners were gone. Dick finally cleared his throat. “Wow, heh, that's the same voice he uses when he tells me I'm grounded.”

Harley snorted and put a hand on her hip. “What could YOU do to get grounded?”

Robin blushed slightly in embarrassment. “I played with nunchucks when he told me not to.”

The clown nodded. “Oh, yep, those things are way more dangerous than they look. Start whipping them around wrong and you could really hurt yourself. Great comedy potential though.”

Dick nodded. “Yeah, but not as funny as a frying pan. Those are hilarious. And if you use a cast iron one they can really do some damage.”

Haley skated over to her fallen weapon slowly and hefted her hammer up onto her shoulder. “True, true. I just prefer my hammer because it gives off old cartoon vibes.”

Robin did the same and retrieved his staff, going to put it away, but Harley called out. “Hey how does that thing work anyway?”

Robin looked at his staff and then her quizzically. “I mean...it's a stick you just kind of use it...like a stick.”

Harley skated over and shook her head. “Naw, I mean how can it periscope like that.”

Robin started twisting the middle of the staff causing it to extend in and out. “Oh, you just kind of twist it. It's like a corkscrew within a corkscrew. Pretty neat huh?”

Harley nodded. “Yeah. Definitely easier to carry around that way. Wonder if I could make some kind of pocket hammer.” She looked at her giant hammer in contemplation. “Eh, nah. I like how intimidating it looks.”

There was another silence as they both contemplated whether they should wait here for the two of them to get back or just go home. Dick chimed in once again. “Hey, can I see your hammer?”

She hummed in contemplation. “Sure, If I can see your bo staff.” He nodded and she quickly flipped the hammer back onto the ground by him while he tossed her the small stick. She extended it and look down it. “Wow, this thing is really light.”

Robin tried to lift the hammer, but couldn't manage to even budge it. “Yep.” He replied in a strained voice. “Its -hurg- made of lightweight batmetal.”

Harley started twirling the staff around like a baton. “Batmetal?”

Robin kept straining and trying different angles to push and pull the hammer. “Yep! Padre’s always inventing stuff and he usually names it after bats.” Harley nodded and Robin finally leaned, defeated, against the hammer. “How...do you carry this thing?”

Harley got serious. “I never skip arm day.” She tried to bend the staff and felt it was moderately springy, but still strong. “Huh. Neat.” She twirled it around some more before throwing it up into the air. She waited for it to come down, but after it didn't she looked up to see it lodged in the rafters of the banks ceiling. She looked at Robin sheepishly. “Oops.”

“Don't worry, I got it.” He rummaged in his utility belt before pulling out a brightly colored and very tiny grappling hook. He close one eye and aimed at the staff. It shot out with a pop and wrapped around the staff. “Hah, I did it!” He started tugging on it, but it didn't want to budge. “Come on…” He tugged on it a few more times, looking like a kid whose kite was stuck in a tree.

Harley couldn't help but feel bad. “You need some help or-”

Robin stuck his tounge out in concentration. “No, no, I got this. I just gotta-” He hit the retract button but instead of the hook coming back he lost grip of the gun and it flew up to the ceiling, joining the staff. “...oh.” They both looked up at the growing amount of gadgets stuck in the ceiling.

Harley shuffled her skates. “Think you can acrobat up there and get it?

Robin smiled hesitantly. “Oh yeah sure.” He looked around for handholds on the smooth stone walls of the bank. “Uh...maybe?”

Harley steepled her fingers. “Okay, hear me out: what if I threw you up there?”

Chapter Text

Batman landed on the roof of a tall building in a perfect three point landing. Joker followed soon after, being thrown over the edge by centrifugal force and sliding on the hard stone. He got up with a wobble and tried to detangle himself from the grappling hook wire. Bruce retracted the wire and caused him to spin around dizzily. He was caught sharply by an unsympathetic Batman, but his head was still spinning. “Jack Napier.” The bat growled out.

That made Joker shake his head and snap to attention. “Wwwwwhat about him? Who's that?”

Batman snarled at him, their faces very close. “Don’t play dumb. Bruce gave him that handkerchief, how did you get it? What did you do with him?”

Jack's face was the picture of confusion. He thought…? He cared about Jack and was worried something happened to him? And that Joker did it? He couldn't stop himself and he started laughing. Not his normal evil menacing laugh, but one that was almost hysterical.

Batman was still angry, but couldn't help his confusion. All that spinning must have scrambled Joker’s brain. He let the clown go as he almost doubled over laughing at the ridiculousness of it all. He started pointed at himself and trying to gasp out something. “I-” He let loose another gasp of laughter. “I’M Jack Napier, Mister ‘world's greatest detective’.” At some point, he'd started crying slightly from all the stress. “You know, that guy you actually like as a person?” This last bit of self deprecation caused him to bark out a laugh before standing up straighter and trying to calm down. “Ah well, I guess It was fun having you tolerate me while it lasted.”

Batman hadn't moved or reacted, but he finally started shaking his head not in disbelief, just in straight rejection. “Nope. Nice try, Jack doesn't have green hair or white skin.”

Jack just looked at him like he was an idiot. “Hair’s dyed, skin’s makeup.”

Batman shook his head again. “Nope, you fell into some chemicals and now they're green and white.”
Joker pinched the bridge of his nose. “Okay 1) That's not this continuity and 2) I don't think any chemical can do that.”

Batman was adamant. “Nope, not him. He had cute freckles and red hair and is a pretty cool guy, unlike you.”

Joker’s face went slack. He felt sad and happy at the same time. Batman thought he was a cool/cute guy but...also that he wasn't? He let out a sharp groan before franticly rubbing his face with his coat sleeves to get the makeup off. That would be a bitch to wash out later, but he couldn't think about that now. He stared matter of factly at Batman making sure to stick his face forward. “HMM?”

Batman’s face slowly shifted into one of realisation and shock. He stood up straight and and turned around getting out his grappling hook. “Nope, nope, nope, no, no, nope, not going to deal with this, nope.”

Jack went to follow him and grabbed his arm frantically. “WAIT, DON’T-” He spoke quieter. “Don't tell Bruce. Just tell him I stole the handkerchief. I wasn't...being Joker when I was with him. Honestly, I went to that party to find out information about you, but then...I...I don't want to drag him into this.”

He couldn't see Batman's face. There was a long tense silence. “I’ll think about it.” With that he shot his grappling hook and swung away.

Joker deflated and let out a sigh. He was almost glad for the long walk home ahead of him to think about everything. Could have done without the steps he would heave to take to get down from here, though.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Batman flew in through the open bank window to make sure Robin had taken care of Harley alright. He found a few boy shaped wall indents and his young ward standing on a large hammer wielded by said villain.

Robin was looking a little ruffled and covered in drywall. “Okay ,turn a little to the left-oh! Hey Padre!” Both of them turned to look at the bat. Batman just stared at him blankly. “Well, you see I uh-”

Harley chimed in. “I got his staff caught in the ceiling and then he got the grappling hook stuck on the staff and it just went downhill from there.”

Batman looked between the staff and the unlikely pair before shaking his head. “I’ll...get you another staff...and hook. Let's go.”

Robin looked at Harley and they both shrugged each other. “Okay, see you later, Miss Haley.”

She leaned on her hammer and waved. “See ya, kid.”

There was dead silence as they both got into the car and buckled up. Robin shifted uncomfortably. “I’m sorry for losing my staff.”

Batman started the car. “It's fine.”

Robin wasn't sure. “You sure?” The superhero nodded stiffly. More silence. “Something happen with Joker?”

Bruce tried to focus on driving. “Maybe.” He didn't speak any more.

Robin tried to search for something to say that would made his Padre feel better. “Maybe you should call Jack, that might cheer you up!”

Batman stopped the car a little to abruptly at a red light, but that's what seat belts are for. “I’m not calling Jack.”

Robin tilted his head. “Because you don't want to mix superheroing with civilian...ing?”

Batman made a frustrated motion with his hands. “Because Jack IS Joker.”

Robin let out an overly dramatic gasp. “WHAT? But he saved me from the ice cream cone!” Admittedly, only a sentence someone in his line of work could say. “But you guys had fun at the party!”

They both sat in stunned silence at this new revelation. Robin sunk back into his seat. “Man...I thought you had a bestie…”

Batman grimaced. “I think he still wants to be ‘besties’ with Bruce Wayne.”

Robin shot up. “So, he doesn't know…? This is tricky.”

Batman started turning down the long driveway to the batcave. “Yup.” Batman had the impression that he might need a more adult opinion to help him with this.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“So you had a party with Joker and you had fun.”

“Yes.”

“And he wasn't being evil the entire time.”

“Nope.”

“Then he saved Dick and met you again as Batman, and also didn't do anything evil.”

“I mean, I wasn't there the whole time-”

“Then he tried robbed a bank which is pretty bad, but not really evil, then gave up as soon as you punched him once.”

“Well, it might have been because Robin showed up-”

“Then he had a hysterical near breakdown telling you that despite everything he still wanted to be your friend and to protect you.”

“You might be exaggerating that a bit-”

“And then you rejected him and flew off into the sunset to brood.”

“Yes, that I definitely did.”

“Also, Robin lost his staff?”

“That was irrelevant to everything else.”

Bruce and Barbara were sitting on the couch in a corner of the Wayne mansion, drinking coffee and trying to figure this whole business out. She shrugged and took another swig. Bruce had no idea how she drank that stuff black. He needed at least 7 sugars. He had to hide them though, because Robin thought the sugar cubes were candy and would just eat them raw. Barbara brought him back to reality. “I hate to say this, but it seems like Joker -or Jack or whoever- really does want to be your friend, judging from his confession maybe more than that. I don't think that was part of the lie. Maybe it started out that way but…” She hated to stand up for the Joker but he had helped them stop the world from ripping in half. He had also caused the world to start ripping itself in half but if that whole fiasco with Lord Business ended with him being an okay guy, it wasn't unreasonable to expect Joker to do the same. Still felt weird to her, though.

Bruce started crunching on some sugar cubes. Hm...kid might be onto something with these. “Yeah, maybe with Bruce, but Batman’s still his enemy.”

Barbara looked skeptical. “Eeeehh, from what you said that he said on the roof, what was it, “fun having you tolerate me while it lasted’, I’m not sure about his hate towards Batman.” She looked off into the middle distance and pretended to sip her drink more. “Not to mention you can be a bit dense about relationships.”

Batman was shocked. “What are you talking about, I’m great at ‘ships.”

She nodded. “The ‘ships you ‘don't do’?”

Bruce nodded. “Yes tho-” He stopped and glared. “Rude. Besides, he just robbed a bank and tried to hold me at gunpoint.”

Batgirl hated crime, but she had to coneced that this whole heist thing was a bit sub par. “He gave up right when Batman didn't show up and did you ever think he held you up as Bruce because it would look weird if he hadn't? It’s not like he knew you would be there.” She hated to defend a criminal, but this whole Jack thing had messed Bruce up good and she couldn't have him retreating back into his shell because of it.

Batman scoffed and shoved more sugar cubes into his mouth. “You don't know that. Probably planned the whole thing…” He didn't believe that and neither did Barbara.

Barbara sighed. “All I’m saying is that maybe rethink how you feel about Jack and how he feels about you. Maybe give him a chance because it seems like he's at least trying.” Batman didn't know if he agreed with her or what he should do so he just sat in sulky silence as Barbara slowly shoved the sugar cube bowl out of his arm reach. “I can't believe I’m saying this, but maybe stop thinking so much about it and just go with what you feel.”

Bruce shoved his face into the couch cushions and made a whining sound. Yah, like it was that easy. She rolled her eyes. The ‘Dark Knight’ could be such a child sometimes. Barbara patted his knee and got up. “It's okay to take some time with this, just don't let it drag you down forever.” He kept his face buried in the pillow. He’d show her. He’d sulk about this forever. For all time. For all battime.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Joker had wanted to use the walk home to think about this whole mess he was in, but after about half an hour walking he realised he had no idea where he was and was half dressed as a supervillain. He pulled out his phone and called Harley to pick him up. They sat in silence on the drive back to the hideout. Not even the radio was on.
Harley coughed a little. “Hey, uh, J-man you got a little, uh...something on your face.”
Jack smushed his face against the cold window. “That's called despair, Harley.”
The harlequin shrugged. “I mean, I thought it was grease paint, but I guess I don't know that brand.”
Jack couldn't even laugh at that, he just sighed. “I told him I was Jack.”
Harley’s voiced raised an octave. “What? Why?”
He shrugged. “He was going to find out eventually, no use prolonging the inevitable.”
Harley couldn't understand this pessimism. “But Bats never even met Jack.”
Jack realised he had never told Harley about the ice cream incident. “Yaaaaah, I didn't actually tell you what happened that made me want to do this catharsis heist, did I?”
She pursed her lips. “No, you didn't, you said you'd do it later. Is it later now?”
He sighed and turned to face Harley slightly. “Yeah, sure.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“So, you saved this kid, who was actually Robin, and his dad, who was actually Batman, showed up to thank you?”

“Yes.”

“And then just now, he thought that you had been hurt by you and insulted you while saying that you were better than you?”

Jack quickly did some mental gymnastics. “Y...yes?”

Harley made a ‘hmm’ sound. “So, he cares about Jack, but doesn't like you, but now he knows your the same person so...does it even out? Like, he now only kind of cares about you? Or does one cancel out the other?”

Joker snapped sharply. “I don't know! He swung away right after I told him.” He deflated and sunk back into his seat. “I told him not to tell Bruce, but...I don't know if he will or not.”

Harley hummed again. “That is a pickle.” She shrugged. “I think maybe you have to stop thinking so hard and just do.”

Jack scoffed. “‘Just doing’ is what got me into this mess.”

Harley pulled the car over. “And it’s what's gonna get you out of it. Gimme your phone.”

Joker pulled his phone out cautiously. “Harley, what do you-”

She snatched his phone and started swiping decidedly. “Bruce thinks the Joker did something to you, Jack thinks that Bruce just got held up by the Joker. Mutual worry pulls people together. Makes them realise their true feelings.” She got this lovey dovey look in her eyes. Then she shrugged. “And if Bats told him then he won't pick up.”

Jack tried to wrestle the phone away from her. “Harley no I- Harley that is a very bad idea! Give me the phone now!”

After a final decisive tap she threw the phone back at him. “Hear ya go!~”

Joker’s heart jumped into his throat as the phone started to ring to call Bruce. He started to harshly whisper. “Harley, this is horrible idea, this is worse than the clown snake id-”

The phone picked up. “Hello?” Bruce didn't sound in the best of moods. Well, he had just been held at gunpoint by a crazed clown.

Jack tried to sound anyway but panicked. “Hey Bruce, uh,” What had Harley told him to do? “Are you okay?”

“Jack?” Bruce sounded shocked. Doesn't he have caller ID? (He did but his face was to buried in a pillow to check it before he answered). “I, uh,” Why was Joker calling him? Play dumb. “Yeah, why?”

The clown fiddled nervously with one of his coat tails. “W-well it was on the news there was a bank hold up or something. They said you were involved and I just, uh, wanted to make sure everything was okay.”

What was Joker's game? Was this just a reason to talk to him or was he really worried about Bruce? He seemed genuinely distraught. “Oh, yeah that.” He might be playing a bit TO dumb.

Jack continued. “They said, uh, the news I mean, they said you punched Joker in the face.”

Yeah, that was really big Bruce/Batman slip. Probably not something a spineless play boy would have done normally. “Oh, I mean, people do weird things when under pressure.” He gave an unconvincing laugh that Joker echoed.

“Oh, yeah, I get that. Oh, by the why! I’m sorry, I lost your handkerchief. I was going to wash it and give it back to you, but it must have fallen out of my pocket or something as I was coming home from the party. I know it probably seems trivial compared to the day you've had, but I just wanted to apologise anyway.”

Bruce snorted. Yeah, he had certainly had ‘a day’. “Yeah...thanks.” He didn't know what to say. He knew he should be thinking about how to carefully parlay this into breaking off their acquaintance without either party finding out the other's identity. Weaving a clever web of words with his playboy charm and detective wit. But, It had been to long of a day for that, so he just let his head fill with the white noise of the phone.

Jack didn't know how to take the silence. Quick say anything! “Um...so I was wondering if maybe you wanted to go to lunch? Or maybe dinner? Soon?” Bruce thought he might have heard someone giving Jack encouragement on the other end, but they were quickly muffled.

Dinner? What was Joker doing? Trying to lure Bruce into some kind of trap to kidnap him? In his heart he honestly knew this was unlikely, but he didn't feel like thinking rationally right now. He was just going to do whatever his knee jerk reaction was. He was to tired of trying to think five steps ahead of this manic. He let out a long breath of resignation. “Sure Jack, where and when?”

Jack was kind of surprised that worked. “Uh...I don't, uh, I mean, eight o’clock at...Red Lobster?” His voice went higher in pitch as his sentence went on. Stupid, stupid, stupid, why would a billionaire want to go to Red Lobster? He probably ate lobster every day! At much fancier restaurants. Why didn't he suggests something higher class like going to the opera or something?

Bruce shrugged. “Sure, I love lobster.” There was a silence. “Red Lobster’s the one with those cheesy biscuits right?”

Joker started slightly at his acceptance. “Yeah, those biscuits are great, right?”

Bruce couldn't help but smile. “Yeah, I get the mix from the store all the time. See you then, J.” He hung up the phone and set it down before it hit them. Him and Jack were going on a dinner date. He was going on a dinner date with the Joker. He wasn't sure how to deal with these emotions and if this was a good thing or a bad thing. He couldn't try anything evil at a Red Lobster right? It was a sacred space filled with kitschy navel paraphernalia and sad looking lobsters. Ugh, this was so easy like five seconds ago when he was actually talking to Jack but now everything was complicated and anxiety ridden again. He looked at the clock and decided he should probably get ready to go to sad lobster jail masquerading as a restaurant. He lugged himself off the couch and picked up his phone. Wait, there were multiple Red Lobsters right? He texted Jack. ‘Which Red Lobster?’ He was looking down at his phone for a reply as he pushed open the door out of the living room, only to have it thump against something dense.

“Ow!” He looked down to see both Dick and Barbara leaning by the door listening to what was happening.

He glared at Barbara before turning attention to Dick. “Kid, what have I told you about eavesdropping?”

He looked down at his shoes. “Only on supervillains.”

Bruce nodded. “I’ll let you off the hook this time because you were led astray by an adult who SHOULD be setting a good example.” Barbara pointed at herself as if to say ‘Who me?’. Bruce just glared at her and checked his phone for the address. “You staying for dinner to make sure Dick doesn't just eat handfuls of cheetos, Babs? Or should I tell Alfred to watch out?”

The kid tried to interject. “That was ONE ti-”

Barbara cut him off before he could further incriminate himself. “Yeah, I’ll watch the kid. Have a fun date night.” Bruce was attempting to walk away with dignity, but made a choking sound when she called it a date. “And you have my number on speed dial if he tries anything. At all. Or even if you just want an excuse to leave.”

He waved his phone before pocketing it. “Got it.” Babs didn't make a habit of giving villains second chances so maybe she was right about seeing something he didn't. He stared at his phone. Or maybe she was crazy and he was about to walk into a trap. It bothered him that he didn't know which option put his stomach in more knots.

Chapter Text

Joker hung up the phone and stared at it in disbelief after absentmindedly texting the address. “I can't believe that worked.”

Harley slapped his back, causing him to fumble the phone. “What'd I tell ya? Love Doctor Harley is always in.”

Joker collapsed into the seat. “I can’t believe Batsy didn't tell him.”

“He said maybe.” Harley shrugged.

The clown prince put the phone away and turned on the radio absentmindedly, in a better mood already. “Batsy never struck me as a ‘maybe’ kind of guy.”

She started driving again with a snort. “What does that even mean?”

Jack shrugged and turned the radio louder. “I don't know...shut up.” There was a beat of silence. “What do you even wear to a Red Lobster? I mean it’s a pretty casual restaurant, but it's a date so…” He nearly choked. “Oh, shit it's a date.”

Harley burst out laughing at his reaction. “Did you not realise that till just now? You asked him!”

Jack just stared off into the middle distance in shock. “I’m going on a date with Bruce Wayne.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bruce stood in front of his closet and in the classic sentiment of teen girls before dates everywhere, he had nothing to wear. His Batman closet was filled with super suits of all shapes and sizes but his Bruce Wayne closet just had regular suits and house robes. One seemed to be too much and the other not enough. Could he try and wear both things at once and even it out? No, that was just stupid. He needed to ask someone who knew about dressing not in all black all the time. “Alfred!”

The butler stood in the doorway as if waiting for this inevitable cry for help. “Yes, Master Bruce?”

“I know people wear fancy things on da-...outings, but not fancy things to Red Lobster so...what's the middle ground here? Do you have any clothes that would fit me?”

Alfred smiled good naturedly. “Regrettably, I am not six foot two and muscular enough to punch a crocodile man through a window, so I doubt anything I have would fit.” Normally Bruce would have taken the compliment but he just groaned dramatically. “May I suggest simply wearing one of your simpler suits and then leaving the jacket open with no tie?”

The hero didn't see how two undone buttons and the loss of a tie would make it that much different but he undid his poor windsor knot anyway. “I don't see how-...oh, yah that looks much better.” He turned to Alfred and nodded. “And that's why I pay you the big bucks.”

“That and the complete upkeep of the mansion.” Alfred turned and left his ward to continue to fuss with his hair.

Bruce yelled back as he walked out of earshot. “I’m still working on those automated floor cleaners. Any day now.” He was going to call them batroombas.

Bruce’s hair was not cooperating and he was to focused on it to notice Barbara has now come to stand in the doorway and watch him with a bemused expression. “Use enough product to burn a hole in the ozone layer yet?”

“Should I?” He looked back at her through the mirror without moving his head.

She flipped her hair dramatically. “Only enough to make it look like natural.”

“God, looking good is hard.” He sighed.

Barbara came up beside him and patted his shoulder sympathetically. “Truly you bear the weight of the world on your finely chiseled chin.” She punctuated this by moving his chin back and forth patronisingly. He shook her off and went back to trying to get his hair in place and then looked at himself once more.

This was how he knew this was a date. He was actually nervous about it. Or he would have. If Batman got nervous about things. But he was Bruce Wayne at that moment so it was complicated. “Hey Babs, if hypothetically I was the kind of person that doubted myself about things...is this a good idea?”

Her teasing smile turned more genuine. “Well, if I was the kind of person that gave advice I would tell you that you should do what you want. Dates are supposed to be fun. But if your worried about Joker pulling something then it could end one of two ways. Either he doesn't try anything and you know he genuinely is trying to play it straight.” Bruce almost pointed out the poor choice of words. “Or he does try something and you know it's all some kind of joke and you can get back to throwing him in jail.”

That did make Bruce feel better, but he honestly wasn't sure which one was the more optimal option. One was definitely less complicated. But the less complicated way to deal with crime was to call the police and not dress up as a bat so...he didn't have a good track record with that.

“Thanks Barbara. You sure you’re going to be okay with Dick tonight?”

She waved it off. “Psh, easy. Kid’s the most well behaved superheroine orphan I know. I’ll just watch his sugar and it'll be fine.”

Bruce smiled and checked his watch. “Ah. I need to get going. I should...probably drive right? They don't have valets at Red Lobster right?”

The cop stared at him blankly for a few moments because she realised he wasn't joking. Rich people. “No. They do not.”

He nodded seriously before tuning to walk out, adjusting his collar. Barbara yelled after him. “Call me if you need anything!”

“Will do.”

Barbara watched him go and sighed as he was out of earshot. As much as she hated Joker he had really come through for them in stopping the world from ending and he seemed to make Bruce happy. But if he did anything, the police woman would lock him in quadruple max jail. Which was why…

Babs walked into the living room where Robin was staring lonely at a bag of cheese balls. He jolted when she walked in. “I wasn't-”

“Want McDonalds?”

Robins eyes lit up as he jumped to his feet. “Yah!”

She motioned to a conveniently different door then the one Bruce was heading out of. The perks of a sprawling mansion. “Then come on. Bring your binoculars.”

Dick stalled slightly and looked up at her confused. “Why do I need my batnoculars to go to McDonalds? Are they doing some kind of promotion?”

What kind of promotion would they be having? Why did he immediately jump to that? She patted him on the back as. “No kid, were providing backup for your padre.”

“Why does he need backup for a date?” Robin looked confused.

Barbra tilted her shoulders. “Well, he doesn't strictly know were backing him up. But everyone likes surprises. Like a safety net.”

“This sounds like eaves dropping again?” The kid frowned.

Barbara shook her head. “No, no, it's not eavesdropping, it;s covert surveillance. And we’re just there to make sure nothing bad happens. Like a bodyguard. It's not like were just doing it because we're curious. That would be weird.”

The boy wonder thought that kind of made sense and nodded. “Well, if it's to keep padre safe.”

Barbara put a hand on his back and started leading him towards the door. “I know you'd get it.”

“Can I get a regular meal instead of a happy one?”

“Why kid, you all grown up?”

“No, it just makes more sense cause you get more food for your money.” He stated emphatically.

Barbara sometimes forgot that this kid had been a poor orphan for most of his life. “Don't you want the toy?”

He shrugged. “You can just ask them for the toy most of the time and they'll give it to you.”

Really? She didn't know that. Huh. Barbara patted him on the head. “Sure, kid.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jack bit at his lip and was starting to almost, possibly, maybe, believe this might not go completely horrible. His hair was actually cooperting for once, mostly because of Harley. And his makeup was also a little more...subtle. Also on account of Harley. Really she was like his emotional support clown. Maybe that was just called being best friends? Ah, semantics.

The girl buddy in question tapped his cheek. “Hey, don't bite. You'll bleed. Then you'll have to redo your lipgloss.”

Jack rolled his eyes as she put in a few more pins in his hair from behind. “Wow, Harley you do care.”

She pulled a bit too hard on his hair. “Hey Ow!”

“Whoops, sorry.” She said, giggling and not sorry at all. She was trying to make his hair look puffy without being out of control. “But seriously J-man, it'll be fiiiine. And if it's not, your the Joker! Just throw a gas bomb and cackle heavily while stealing some lobster. On second thought, even if it goes good. steal me some biscuits...love those things.” She mumbled almost to herself, lost in the dreamy thought of their fluffy goodness.

“Where am I going to put them, just shove them in my pockets? This is one of the only not crazy suits i have.” He motioned dramatically to himself.

Harley didn't miss a beat. “Biscuit bag.”

“Biscuit bag?” He raised an eyebrow and deadpanned.

She scoffed and did the finishing touches. “What, you don't have a special bag just for pilfering pastries? Shame. What kind of villain are you?”

Usually, Jack would have loved some nonsense humor like that but he just sighed and turned around in his sceat to look at his best friend. “I appreciate what you’re trying to do Harley but I can't help worrying about this. What should we even talk about?”

She rolled her eyes. “Didn't seem to be a problem at the party.”

“I was half sloshed at the party! And I'm not sure it’s really appropriate for a first date to get sloshed at a medium wage seafood restaurant at 8 at night.”

Harley blinked at him oddly. “Didn't you tell him 9?”

He stalled his rant. “N-” Had he said 8 or 9? No, he remembered he said eight. “No, I said eight.” Harley looked at the clock at the wall and Jack didn't, cringing. “How bad is it?”

“I mean...speed limits are suggestions anyway.” She shrugged while motioned with the brush she was holding.

Jack finally looked at the clock and scrambled out of the room. “I'll call you later.”

“Have fun sweety!” She waved after him.

She heard the door shut and and then got on her phone to text Ivy. No way she was letting him go into this without her backing him up. She also just wanted to go out to eat.

Chapter Text

“Do you want my pickle?”

Barbara was shaken out of her meditative revery of staring out of a car window into a seafood restaurant by the kid in the seat next to her saying something. “Huh? What?”

He motioned the sliced vegetable towards her. “Do you want my pickle?”

She looked at the pickle and then at him. “Why? You allergic?” If Bruce found out she had fed him something he was allergic to, he would never forgive her. She would never forgive herself but that was another matter.

Thankfully, he shook his head. “No, I just don't like them.”

“Yeah, sure.” She took the pickle and crunched it before taking a sip of her drink and focused back on the restaurant. They were both inside but she couldn't see much through the blinded windows. She was mostly just watching for any supervillain attacks. Luckily, attacks like that were very rarely subtle. The cop was taken out of her musings by a small squeaking sound coming from the seat next to her.

She looked over to see Robin spinning the wheel of the toy bat cycle he had gotten from the restaurant and looking profoundly bored with his eyes glazed over behind his glasses but every so often they would snap back into focus and glance at the restaurant. He shuffled in his seat before speaking up again. “Hey, uh, can I go on my phone? Padre told me to be ever vigilant, but you’re not him so…”

Babs was starting to regret bringing the kid along on her paranoid hunt. She sighed and gave him a soft smile. “Sure.” He immediately got out his phone and started playing on the many games he had on there.

She smiled fondly before turning back to the restaurant. Another long few minutes passed before he heard Robin make a small happy sound. “Oh! Looks like Padre and Joker are having fun.”

“W-what?” She turned to him to see he was on some kind of social media site. He looked at her and hummed with a nod.

“Yeah, I looked up the Bruce Wayne tag.” He turned his screen to face her, showing a blurry photo of what could possibly be Bruce Wayne and a less pale version of the Joker. It had the caption: ‘Is this Bruce Wayne??? The biscuits are just that good I guess lol.’

In Barbara’s professional opinion as someone who was currently stalking her friend, that was creepy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Harley was fiddling with the car radio with her fingers greasy from the chicken sandwich she was eating. She couldn't find anything good on. Radio Disney didn't play this late so there went her old standby. She stuck her tongue out, listening intently to try and listen to any hidden channels in between the bands. Maybe if she moved the dial slowly enough she could listen to pop songs from outer space.

“You know, when you said you wanted to take me out to dinner, I imagined it would be at a table.” Ivy said, motioning slightly with her own sandwich that she was somehow eating without getting any grease on her fingers. Probably some weird plant oils on her skin or something.

Thoroughly stopped from listening into the fourth dimension, Harley shrugged and took another bite of her sandwich, speaking through the chicken. “Have you ever gone inside a KFC?”

Both of them shuttered before Ivy nodded. “Point.” Her eyes flicked to the glowing beacon of oceanic doom. “Why are we even here? I understand you want to protect your clown bestie, but we cant even see anything from out here. We could have at least gotten a table inside. Or gone into another place near here and then come out when the screaming started.”

Harley raised up a finger in protest as she chewed. “If the screaming starts.” She swallowed and looked at the building as she mumbled. “Also, I want to feel like a cool private detective…”

She was taken out of her moping by her phone honking with an alert. She pulled it out with her less greasy hand and taped at it. “Oh! Looks like the date’s going well.” She took another bite that was nearly to big for her mouth.

Ivy frowned. “What? He text you?”

She shook her head and hummed around the sandwich. “No. Bruce Wayne tracker.” She turned her phone around to show a social media site and some kind of algorithm that tracked every time Bruce Wayne was mentioned in the tags.

Ivy narrowed her eyes. “That’s creepy.”

Harley nodded. “Oh, immensely.”

She was quickly distracted again by another alert from one of her phone games. She was going to B those jewelds so much. Unfortunately, this was stalled a few minutes later by Ivy speaking evenly. “Hey Harley?”

“Wassup babe?” She hummed without looking up from the pretty graphics.

“Some kid from a few cars over is staring at us. Should we move the car?”

Harley sat up straighter and looked out the window that Ivy was looking out of, scanning the rows of cars in front of them before locking eyes with a kid staring through a back window at them. Kid looked familiar. She tilted her head and he tilted his.

“Oh! I know where I know that kid from. That's Bruce Wayne's kid.” She sat up even straighter as she scowled. “Why is he here? Did he just leave him in the car? What kinda-”

Ivy cut in. “No, it looks like someone else is driving.”

They couldn't see much from this angle but they could see whoever it was had bright red hair. “Oh gosh, I hope he doesn't recognize me from when I assaulted one of his dads.”

“I told you we should have worn some kind of disguise.”

“I don't like driving with my glasses on Ivy! They get glare from the sun!”

Just then they were cut off from their ranting when they saw the kid say something to whoever was driving and they turned back to look as well. Both Ivy and Harley's eyes widened when they realized it was the police chef.

“Is that-?”

“Yep.”

“Is this some kind of sting? That no good useless Bruce-” She cut herself off as her hands curled into angry fists and everyone just looked at each other in wide eyed confusion, shock, and suspicion.

It felt like forever, but really it was only about a minute before the tension was broken by Dick smiling and waving at her. Barbara looked like she was asking him what he was doing but he just kept smiling slightly. Ivy looked at Harley confused. “Harley? You know this kid?”

Harley squinted. Something about the kid seemed…

“Oh! Yeah! That makes sense. Why didn't I notice that before?” She smiled brightly and waved back before promptly going to get out of the car. Ivy tried to stop her. “Harley wait, what are you doing-” But she was already gone. Of course the green woman had to follow as the police chief and Wayne Jr. were doing so as well. But darn it, she was doing it while rolling her eyes and no one could stop her.

Harley got a scrunched up look to her face and stomped over to the police woman before poking a finger in her face. “How dare you do this to Mister J!”

“Hey Harley!” Came a chipper voice.

She stopped her tirade to look down at Dick who was smiling up at her excitedly. “Oh hey kiddo, nice toy bike.” He realized he was still holding the toy and shoved it in his pocket quickly. Harley turned back to the annoyed looking police woman and stomping her foot. “He really, truly likes this Bruce Wayne guy and you’re trying to sting him! Even using his kid! Absolutely nasty.” She shook her head and the police woman's frustration turns to confusion.

“Huh? What do you mean? You’re here to kidnap Bruce Wayne aren't you? Take advantage of his feelings for Jack?”

“What? No.”

They both stared at each other in confusion not sure where to go from here as Ivy moved up slowly and just stood there wondering where this circus of drama was going to go next. It was unsurprisingly Dick who spoke to clear everything up. “We’re just here as backup in case something goes wrong.”

Harley blinked down at him. She totally believed that this kid wouldn't outright like like that even if she might have doubted Miss Long-arm-of-the-law here. Ivy spoke up smoothly. “We are, to my annoyance, doing the same.”

Harley reluctantly stepped back from where she had been crowding the police lady. “...Huh.”

Barbara looked between the two of them and let out a hum. “...Well, that's...good.”

Harley nodded. “Yeah, yeah, that's good. So, there's actually no ... problem here, I guess. At all.”

They stood awkwardly for a few moments before Harley’s phone beeped and she perked up. “Oh! Good news. Looks like they're getting dessert so, pretty much everything should be f-”

A large crash of breaking glass and screams resounded from the restaurant behind them and then all turned to look at it and then to each other. A silent look passed between all of them before they all left to grab their gear.

Chapter Text

//Some time earlier, but not much//

Jack had rushed to the restaurant but thankfully it seemed like Bruce wasn’t there yet. Well, almost thankfully, because on one hand it meant he want the late one but on the other hand it only increased his anxiety that something had happened or the Bruce was standing him up. Had Batman found out and just could stand for his roommate who he shared a child with to go out with him? It was understandable and hadn’t thought enough about how Batman would react to this. Probably would hear about it the next time they fought. From his fists. Bats was one of those people that talked with his hands a lot.

The Joker worried at his hands, wondering if Wayne didn't show if he should just have dinner anyway here or maybe just get some chinese and eat it sadly in front of the television. His train of thought was thankfully cut short by the door opening behind him and a rather casual looking Bruce Wayne walking through.

The man immediately saw him and he put on a trademark expensive smile. “Hey Jack, sorry I’m late.” The superhero had actually just forgotten how long it took to get places when you actually followed the speed limit.

Jack was star struck by both the fact that he was here and that he was in anything less than a three piece suit. Wait, he had said something. Jack was probably supposed to respond to that. “...S’fine.” Eloquence.

He quickly tried to distract from his lack of social graces. “Pretty crowded for a Tuesday. I already got one of the…” He forgot the word. “...square things that light up when your tables ready.” He waved it to illustrate his point.

Bruce nodded. “Huh.” That was a thing? Technology sure was amazing. “Thanks.” He looked slightly uncomfortable, but tried to hide it. “I could probably just name drop, but I feel like it actually might do more harm than good here.”

Jack snorted. “I can only imagine. When was the last time you've had to wait for anything?”

Bruce could tell he was being teased. “I’ll have you know, I had to wait nearly five minutes for the microwave this afternoon.”

Jack couldn't help but let out a bark of sudden laughter at the image of Wayne using a microwave. The man seemed to ease and both of their jitters calmed down as their eyes naturally drew to the movement of the lobster tank.

The red prisoners sat sluggishly at the bottom of the tank. “Always thought the tanks here were weird.”

Bruce hummed. “How so?”

Jack realized he had said that out loud and laughed nervously. “Oh, uh, I don’t know it’s just weird to have something you’re about to eat just alive and looking cute in the lobby of the restaurant. Like, how weird would it be if you went to a steakhouse and there was a cow in the waiting area? Just feel like it's doing more harm than good to people's appetite.”

Bruce had never really thought of it before, but he was right, it was kind of morbid. “...Yeah.” He hummed. “Might be able to work for a vegetation restaurant. Come to think of it freshness doesn't really apply the same ways when marketing plants versus animals. ‘Fresh off the vine’ brings a lot of good mental images but ‘fresh from the slaughterhouse’ doesn't really have the same ring.”

Jack nodded in agreement. “Weird.”

“Yeah.”

They both stared at the tank. “Still want to pet one though.” The clown muttered under his breath.

Bruce started laughing at the sudden statement and Jack flushed in embarrassment. “Obviously.” The billionaire countered.

“Do you think that if we hadn't ever have invented rubber bands the lobsters would rule the earth by now.” Jack tried to distract from his embarrassing urge to pet every animal he met.

Bruce was silent for a moment before replying, as if he was actually thinking about it. “I can't imagine why not.” He said with a serious shrug. They were pretty much immortal after all.

Jack snorted as his shoulder shook. Anybody who only knew Bruce Wayne as the suave playboy was really missing out and he was lucky he got to see him more relaxed like this. It struck him how surreal this all was. Just had to not mess it up.

The small box buzzed in his hand breaking him out of his thoughts. “Oh uh, that's us.” And they made there way to their seats.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bruce didn't know what people talked about on real dates. Most of his ‘dates’ had really just been reporters trying to get a scoop so he wasn't quite sure how to do it for real. Was he trying to do it for real? He tried to think of what people did in movies. “So...what do you do for a living?” Why did he ask that? He knew the answer. Maybe he just wanted to see what kind of lie the man would make up. Or...wait, did he have a regular job?

Jack laughed nervously to buy himself some time. “Stand up comedian, actually.”

Well, that wasn't that far off. Kind of. “Hm. Must be tough. Everybody's a critic I've heard.”

“It's pretty easy. I just walk on stage and my face is enough to crack up the room.” He said it with a crooked smile, showing slightly to sharp teeth. “I’m kidding of course. I’m smokin’.”

Bruce looked incredulous.“Oh come on, no one likes a cheater.” His face took on a more contemplative look as he looked around. “Besides, I think this is a non-smoking section. If you get us kicked out, I'm not going to forgive you.”

Jack couldn't help himself from falling even more for this guy. Just the way he rolled with things was amazing to witness. Especially when it was directed at him.

It was just hitting him that he was sitting in a restaurant with Bruce Wayne and it didn't feel that awkward or odd at all. It just felt...nice. Even the shadow of Batman didn't seem so imposing. He usually loved to put on a show but these last few days of him being Jack had been a nice break. It also gave him some kind of smug satisfaction at the large amount of people that would kill to have the change for a one on one date with the millionaire. If nothing else it’d be an interesting story. He hoped somewhere it would be more than that, even though he tried to fight against it.

Bruce watched as the man snorted at his comeback before looking down at his food and fading into thought. He hadn’t realized how easily bantering back and forth as enemies could transfer over to just casual conversation. Maybe that was just them. God, this was weird, but not as weird as he thought it would be and that was even weirder. It was a big weird cycle. Kind of described this whole life really. At first he had tried to keep an eye out to make sure the Joker wasn't planning anything but he couldn't see any obvious weapons on him or any other villains in disguise in the restaurant. The more time went on the more he started to realize this might be genuine and it kind of terrified him as to what that meant. Talking with him was slightly awkward at first but it fell away easily he he got lost in the conversation.

Was he going to actually think seriously about this? He was having fun, he was happy and he kept waiting for the other shoe to drop whenever he wasn't distracted by the clown across from him. Fortunately (unfortunately?) he was pretty distracting even without the green hair.

His evil had been a little more half hearted lately and he had saved Dick. He hadn’t even tried to accost anyone at the party.

“So I guess the lobsters good?”

Bruce focused back on the clown. “Oh yeah. Definitely.” Lobster was lobster. He'd had better obviously, but he ate it reheated in a microwave daily so...he was pretty sure you could do anything to a lobster and he would still eat it. It was a magical crustacean.

“You've just been staring off into space while eating it the last few minutes. Thought it was talking to you or something.”

“I’m not Aquaman.”

Jack let out a relieved breath. “Thank god. I bet he always smells like dead fish.”

“Yeah. King of the Ocean apparently can’t afford soap.” He answered without thinking.

Jack’s face twisted slightly before he laughed nervously. “Y-you’ve met Aquaman?”

Bruce bite down hard on his fork sending a twinge through his teeth that matched the mental snap back he got from realizing what he had implied. “Uh. Well, ya know.” He shrugged like it wasn't a big thing. “Batman sometimes brings people around. Don't really know him just kinda seen him around.”

Jack nodded apparently buying this. “Huh.” Both of there internal alarms went off thinking that they should probably not talk about any superhero/villain business and both scrambled for something else to talk about before the other noticed their discomfort.

Bruce got to it first. “So, want to get dessert?”

Jack perked up, thankful for the lifeline. “Oh definitely.”

“What were you thinking?” He pulled the menu out of its conveniently shaped holder to look at.

Jack nodded sagely. “Anything with enough chocolate to kill me.”

The hero of the night chuffed in laughter. “Why am I not-”

A loud crash made the both of them flinch. It sounded like breaking glass, but it was entirely too much to be simply a waiter dropping plates.

“AHAHAHAH! FLEE LAND DWELLERS, NOW YOU WILL KNOW WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE HUNTED LIKE THE REGAL AND ABUSED LOBSTER!”

They both could tell a super villain monologue when they heard one. Bruce's heart fell as he turned to look at the Joker in anger and betrayal at this apparently being a setup, but instead of being met with the Joker leering at him in glee the clown wasn't even looking at him. Instead, he was staring in the direction of the monologuer with utter fury.

Before Bruce could react to it, a man in a all black modified scuba suit crashed into the main dining area a room away from them and they could see him through one of the arches. “You are all stealing from the sea. As the rightful king of the sea I demand compensation.” Black Manta.

It didn't look like the villain had that many goons with him. If Bruce could slip out and get to his car then maybe he could-

“Oh come on! You’re not even a Batman villain, you fight Aquaman!” The shrill voice spoke out from next to him and he turned to find that Jack had stood up and was glaring daggers towards the supervillain who had his back turned to them. Before he could turn around Bruce grabbed him and shoved the two of them under the table, thankfully being covered by the table cloth.

He hissed in the man's ear in a voice a little too close to his Batman voice. “What are you doing?!” Joker had a real bad habit of picking fights with supervillains when he was Jack.

Jack paled as he realized he didn't actually have any weapons on him. “Uh..I mean I figured I might be able to scare him off?”

Bruce grit his teeth, at least secure in the knowledge that Joker probably hadn't planned this. He didn't have time to think about that now and simply pulled out his phone and tried to call Barbara. Jack noticed what he was doing and pulled out his own phone.

Both of them got voicemails.

‘Call me if you need anything’, yeah right.

They both stared at each other in the close quarters that might have been flustering if there wasn't a supervillain outside. They both tried to think of a plan that wouldn't let the other one in on anything.

Jack frantically tried to rifle through his pockets. There must have been something he forgot to empty. Lipstick, wallet, tube of glitter glue, deck of cards- ah! That could be useful. Might be tricky to use though…

They both noticed they hadn’t heard any more yelling from outside their safe haven so they stilled and just listened. They didn't hear anything.

Jack licked at his lips. “Do you think he didn't notice-” The table over them was thrown off with a shattering of dishware. “-us?”

Black Manta seemed just as surprised as them as the shutters on his goggles closed as if he was squinting. “...Bruce Wayne? Isn't this place a little low class for you?”

Before Bruce could answer, Jack stood up excitedly. “Oh my gosh! Black Manta?! You are my favorite super villain!” Both Black Manta and Bruce stared at him oddly as his eyes sparkled in excitement.

Black Manta didn't have many fans. Being the A list villain of a B list hero meant he mostly only appeared in team ups and the like. Frankly, he'd never had to handle a fan before. “Uh…”

“Can I shake your hand?” Joker looked starstruck as he blinked innocently. Bruce was just thankful he wasn't actually saying the word blink this time. Wait...he wasn’t going to…?

The aquatic man didn't know how to deal. “Uh...sure.” He reached out and took Jack’s hand. “Always happy to meet a fa-AAAAAAAH!” Electricity pulsed through his slightly damp suit as the joy buzzer on Joker’s hand activated. Jack held onto his hand until he felt the man go limp and let go as he dropped onto the floor with a loud thud.

Everyone in the room stared in shock including the remaining goons and Bruce. Joker blew the smoke off of the joy buzzer and smiled smugly as he looked down at the date crasher. That was until he remembered he wasn't actually supposed to be Joker right now and he turned back to Bruce who was staring at him in only slightly less shock then someone who was just hit with a joy buzzer.

He looked down at the super villain and then to his hand with still held the buzzer and then at his date. He smiled nervously and put the buzzer behind his back. “I...can explain.”

Thankfully (maybe) before he could explain, several more costumed characters on both sides of the law bust in, doing entirely more flips than necessary.

“Hold it right there J-”

They all stopped and stared at the scene around them. Lobsters everywhere, lots of cowering diners, broken glass, broken nautical knick knacks, a billionaire, and a clown in disguise standing over a very crispy supervillain.

Joker could see all of these things as well, but add to it the hilarity of all the extra heroes and villains staring at him dumbly, he just couldn't take the utter improbability of the situation and started cackling maniacally.

Sometimes you just gotta laugh at yourself.

Chapter Text

The police had come and rounded up the rest of the goons and took statements from everyone leaving. Most regulars of Gotham were used to it by now as there were so many villains and petty hold ups that everyone had one story of seeing the Penguin steal an ice tray or Egg Head holding up the local easter egg hunt. The police had also gotten good at figuring out who knew anything and who to just let go. Very efficient, all things considered. Still took entirely too long in Jack’s sweating opinion as he bobbed his leg anxiously sitting on one of the hard wooden benches outside the restaurant. Wayne sat next to him much more composed then the Joker would have thought for a spoiled playboy. Well, that is if he hadn’t had a front row seat of him punching him in the face during a bank robbery.

He tensed again as he looked over to the man. There was no way he could talk his way out of this one. What other person in Gotham just carried around a ridiculously overpowered joy buzzer with them? Even if Bruce didn't put it together, the cops would. Commissioner Gordon wasn't an idiot. She’d put it together in an instant. Harley and the rest of the bats had disbanded quickly, taking Black Manta with them, so he was left here. Alone. With Bruce.

Quick, try and talk to be less awkward. “So...this happens alot to you?”

Bruce seemed to be deep in his own thoughts. “What? Why would you think that I would be used to things like that?”

Jack hadn't meant to offend him as he waved his hand nervously. “I-I mean with that bank robbery and this and living with Batman and you knowing the Commissioner by name, I just was wondering…”

Poor guy. Guess the life of a playboy billionaire isn't all parties and lobster bisque. It was also getting accosted while still oddly being surrounded by lobsters.

Bruce was about to formulate some answer when the Commissioner walked over and Jack immediately sat up straighter against the hard bench trying to look innocent. The shark teeth really sold it.

She glared at him before blowing a piece of hair out of her face and turning to Bruce with a raised eyebrow. The man gave a smile that everyone in the general vicinity knew was false. “Are we free to go, commissioner?”

She frowned and looked between them. “Sure. Don’t leave town.”

Bruce stood up a little too fast and gently pulled Jack up with him. “Of course. Have a pleasant evening Commissioner.” And before Jack could say something stupid like. ‘You too.’ Bruce ushered him a little bit away.

Jack looked over to Bruce unsure, thankful that the grip on his arm wasn’t threatening, just guiding.

Quick! Distraction! Distract from literally everything that just happened. He felt like he was going to jump out of his skin from the energy as his eyes flit around the place. “W-wanna walk off the jitters in that park over there?”

Bruce looked at the park as if he didn’t know it was there and seemed unsure but finally nodded. “Sure.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Well, this was even more awkward than before. The shadows and the leafs did not provide any kind of peacefulness, just a kind of foreboding. Like a weight hanging over him. He wanted to ignore this, but ignoring it just made the pain in his torso worse. He kept glancing over to Bruce who seemed to be lost in thought about something with his hands in his pockets. They were walking a few feet apart and in sync, but it seemed so much farther apart. And every crunch of the gravel seemed to send an arrow through his heart. Jack really didn't want this to end. It was nice to be normal-ish for once. He knew he would get bored of it if he had to live all the time like this but...he would miss this. Miss Bruce. Maybe he could still salvage this?

He tried to put on his best smile which was only about three steps away from his worst smile. “So uh, you know...lots of people have...deadly joy buzzers.” His face sank as he realised he wasn't going to be able to salvage this.

“I know you're the Joker.” Came the cold reply.

Jack stopped walking and stared at him wide-eyed. Was this where Batman came out to jump him? He looked around fearfully. Didn't see any blue glow. “H-he told you?” He guessed he couldn't expect Batman to keep anything secret in the name of a ‘ship. But...he had still shown up? It seemed like a perfectly normal date. “...And you still agreed?” He spoke softly, some sliver of hope in there that made Bruce flinch.

“He didn't tell me.” He looked to the side and then back at Jack with his wide eyes. “I’m Batman.”

There wasn't any clock within range, but both of them could hear the seconds tick by. Tick. tock. Tick. tock. Just staring at each other, not moving.

Jack looked him up and down. Then he squinted. Then he quirked his lips. Then he put his hand up slowly to cover Bruce’s eyes in his vision and closed one eye. He inhaled sharply and covered his mouth. “...I thought your eyes glowed.”

Bruce blinked slowly. He would think that was stupid if he didn’t personally know several people with glowing eyes. “It's the mask.”

“Oh.”

Jack's brain ticked a few more steps as he quickly processed the fact that Bruce and Batman were the same person. He’d tried to hold up Batman at a bank. He’d bantered with him without any imminent threat of punching. He got along with Batman? In more than a weird villain hero relationship way? He ran a hand through his hair as he paced and he bit on his nails, eyes roaming around the park as he thought, putting this all together. Did he get along with Bruce? Or Batman? Was it just a trick? Was this all a trick? Did Bruce set him up? Did Batman think he set them up with the Black Manta stunt?

He spoke fast and tried to be the most convincing he'd ever been in his life. He was telling the truth, but he didn't have much practice in that so it was still difficult. “T-this wasn't my intention-” He motioned behind them to the direction of the restaurant. “I know you had your bat lady ready to go but I don't even have Black Manta’s phone number. He keeps getting at me for putting joke toxin in the water. I mean, have you ever seen a fish smile? I have, and it's way better than the mopey looks they always carry around-” He noticed Bruce staring into the middle distance looking distressed. Shit, he was getting off topic. Ramble better! Worse? “But the point is-”

Burce interrupted him. “I didn't have her ready to go. I didn't even know she was there. Didn't you tell Harley to bust in so you could pull something?”

Joker shook his head, his shoulders falling as his head tilted dumbly. “Really? No, I don't know why she was there. She said she had a date with Ivy tonight.” He frowned. “Was weird she wasn’t answering her emergency phone…”

They both stared at each other before Bruce frowned and looked behind Joker to a bush that was moving a little too much. “Robin.”

A shape popped up. “Hi padre!” He stilled. “Oh, oops.”

Barbara sighed and stepped out from behind a nearby tree.

Jack squinted at them before he got a very peeved look on his face. “Harleen.” He said without amusement, which was a very bad thing for the Joker to be. A nearby tree coughed. “No?” The tree then forcefully spat the harlequin onto the ground before Ivy dangled her legs down, not caring to get out of the tree.

Joker squinted at Barbara as even more pieces slot together. “Isn’t being a superhero and being on the police force a little bit of overkill?”

She narrowed his eyes dangerously. “Isn't being a clown and a supervillain?” Joker frowned deeply as Barbara continued as she looked at Bruce, her face turning a little more sincere. “I just wanted to make sure he didn't try and pull anything. Can’t blame me for being suspicious.”

Harleen stepped up in her high heeled boots. “Well, we were doing the same! Well, I was doing the same. I had to bribe Ivy with chicken.”

Bruce pinched the bridge of his nose between his fingers. “So...was anyone actually planning anything?”

Harley shook her head and shrugged emphatically. “I think it’s been established none of us ever plan anything.”

Jack tried to pretend she wasn't right before staring back at Bruce and feeling his face flush. “So was this an actual date?”

You don't ask such a direct question to someone who still has problems with ‘ships in general without expecting them to have some problems. Bruce had some problems. “I may have possibly considered this an ‘actual’ date if you weren't using it as some kind of long con joke that wasn't funny at all. Unless, that is what you were doing, in which case I never bought it for a second.”

Joker inhaled in frustration and slapped his forehead. “Yeah, this was real! I don’t fake date people, that would be really messed up! And also not on theme for me at all. How could you think? That I would? Do that?”

Bruce stared at him. “You once hijacked a bunch of vending machines to spit out money and rigged a jukebox with a gun. Neither of those things are very clown related.”

“It’s related because it’s funny!” Jack had obviously thought about this alot and had more bullet points at the ready as he put his hands to his temples.

The rest of their entourage was wondering if this was going to go off the track completely and if someone should get it back on track.

The billionaire looked at him incredulously. “So this whole thing wasn't a joke?”

Joker grumbled. “Nooooooooooooo. Ugh, I hate admitting to things that aren't jokes.”

Bruce ran a hand through his heavily product hair. “So this was all a serious date orchestrated in the most convoluted way possible?” Joker nodded, admittedly the admission that it was convoluted making him feel a little better. Bat’s always knew what to say.

Dick jumped up happily. “Yay! No double crossing!”

Everyone else agreed with him even if they didn't say it. Then everyone just looked at each other for a few seconds.

“So. What do we do now? Just go home?” Jack asked half as a joke, but half serious as this was all a bit much even for him.

Robin’s hand shot up hesitantly. “Oh, uh, can we actually stop for some ice cream please? Barbara said she’d get me some but the McDonald’s machine was broken.”

Harley’s eyes got wide. “Icecream…”

Ivy squinted. “Aren't you lactose intolerant?”

She clenched her fists. “I will not let that stop me.”

Joker came out of nowhere to wrap an arm around Bruce. It would have been weird if it was Bruce, but this was Batman. Well, that was going to take some getting used too. No time for a deep insight on the masks and personas we all wear as people now! “Woo ya, let’s all go get ice cream!”

Bruce raised an eyebrow, but didn't stumble at the sudden weight shift. “All of us together?”

“What, like you can’t afford it?” Jack blew some hair out of his face dismissively.

“Are you blackmailing me?” Batman sounded genuinely confused, but he sounded like that alot in the past ten minutes.

The villain looked scandalised. “I don’t blackmail until at least the third date, good sir!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In Gotham there was a college called Gotham University and very near to that university campus is a small ice cream and confectionary shop with scuffed white tables and chairs. ‘Moo at Midnight’, a shop that catered specifically to sugar needing college students who were up late studying and apparently, tonight, some clowns, a police commissioner, a billionaire, and several etcetera. The lady behind the counter didn't even blink. Couldn't tell whether she was high or that's just what college did to you sometimes.

After Joker partitioned hard to get the mega sundae with 10 scoops of ice cream. He had bullet pointed reasons and everything, mostly that he never came here with enough people to eat it all and he couldn't get it home before it melted. Surprisingly, he won. And dibsed all the cherries. This was just a banner day for Joker all around. Ice cream and a boyfriend.

Eventually they settled into quiet ice cream munching and everyone ruminated on how long of a day this felt like. Like this whole event had taken three years or so even though it had only been a few days.

Harley and Dick were making an extravagant track for his McDonalds toy out of random stuff lying around. Barbara and Ivy were giving them help with stability and structural issues.

For once Jack didn't know what to say. His mouth was full of ice cream anyway most of the time, so it wasn’t that bad. He glanced over to Bruce who was staring like he was thinking deeply at his mint chocolate cone. Jack bit the inside of his cheek, careful of his teeth. He made sure no one was watching before carefully, slyly, as if doing a magic trick, putting his hand over Bruce’s under the table. The man snapped out of his thoughts and looked at him.

Gosh, Jack had not thought about this eventuality. He smiled probably the ugliest smile he ever had, just because smiling non-maniacally was never his strong suit. Or being honest. He was trying to do both and boy, was it looking rough. Seemed to work though, as the smooth playboy superhero flushed before again making direct eye contact with his ice cream. Jack was about to frown, but then he felt his hand being squeezed back and his chest jumped.

“This is weird.” Muttered Bruce under his breath, observing the entire scene around him.

“Not much weirder than what we normally do.” Joker said putting another overfilled spoon in his mouth.

“...Yeah.” Bruce conceded. Bantering was so much more difficult when you were dealing with emotions. “Feelings are hard.”

“Yup.” J said, trying to pretend this wasn't one of the best days he'd had in a while and failing. Luckily, by this point he'd forgotten that he couldn’t hide his blush under his face paint.

Bruce shook his head and sighed, apparently just deciding to stop thinking about it for the moment. At least so deeply. In the middle of a confectionery establishment. “So. You going to stop committing crimes?”

Barbara, who was trying very hard to not eavesdrop (not have it be noticed that she was eavesdropping more accurately) couldn't help but glance over as she was balancing some straws off a sugar container to make a ramp. Jack smiled at her, not innocently at all. “Only mostly.”

“Good relationships are built on compromise after all.” Harley chimed in as she was trying to steal some of Ivy's bacon flavors ice cream to see if it was actually good or not. It was good advice, but it was undercut by her sticking her tongue out while she said it.

Barbara sighed. “I’m not going to go easy on you.”

“Guess I'll just have to not get caught.” He looked over to Bruce who was rolling his eyes but still holding his hand. “Or I could try being a hero.” He winked.

Bruce looked stricken. “That actually might be worse.”

Jack cracked up laughing at the deadpan delivery. Bruce smiled into his ice cream, but hid it well. “I think that might be a great joke actually. It would be hilarious if one day I just showed up and everyone acted like it was normal.”

“I do not agree to this plan.” Batman only made his own plans. Mostly.

“It's perfect. It's on theme. It's on brand. It's new and spontaneous.” Jack stated numbering it off on his hands.

“I will pay you money to not.” Bruce mostly solved all of his problems like that.

Joker inhaled dramatically and put a hand to his mouth . “Are you aiding and abetting a criminal?”

“Compromise.” Bruce offered before finally conceding a smile.

Honestly, he might give up crime for that smile. If he got to help make it happen. He’s not going to say that though. Well, at least not on the second date.

Bruce wouldn't give up crime fighting for Joker's smile, but it was growing on him. Maybe ‘ships like this could work? Even if it did take a while to get to this point.

They both thought it was worth it.