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The sound of Logan's phone ringing echoed through the apartment as he rushed to retrieve it, the clock now read 1:00 a.m. The book he had been reading beforehand was shut almost carelessly, the bookmark practically falling out. Normally Logan wouldn't be so thoughtless with his belongings, but it was the time of night that lead to his gage of the situation. There was only one person who was known to call him at such a late time, and they were of top priority. Logan let out a sigh, before picking up the phone and pressing talk.
"Salutations, Virgil. Is everything alright?" He tried to sound calm and composed, prepared for anything and everything, but that was his front and one that Virgil could see through like saran wrap. Too many times had they been in this situation where Virgil was having a panic attack, calling Logan up at one or two in the morning. They'd danced this dance before; it was nothing new.
Through their time as friends as well as their romantic relationship, Logan had learned a great many things about his partner as well as his abilities to assist in emotional issues. In the little over a year, they'd been dating Logan had grown a substation amount in his ability to handling more touchy-feely issues that had previously been daunting to him. In all fairness, they still were daunting, but regardless, he had gotten better. They both had. Virgil himself had learned to come to his boyfriend when he was in a state of disarray, which had with time helped smooth over uncertainty between them and helped to solidify the comfort that their partnership brought out.
With this being so, that didn't mean that a late-night call didn't still frighten Logan greatly. Because if Virgil was trying to contact him at this time, 9 times out of 10 it meant something was wrong.
"Hey Lo. Everything's...pretty okay," Virgil said, his voice thick with apprehension easily detectable to his studious boyfriend.
"Pretty okay?" Logan queried, "That's not a very clear answer, and it seems as though you're dodging the issue if there is one. Please, you sound slightly agitated, dear, and I'd like you to tell me if there's something troubling you. It's late, after all? Did you have a nightmare? Or perhaps you couldn't sleep at all? Are you –?" Logan didn't intend to, but his mind was already reeling with possible scenarios, his words trying to catch up with frazzled thoughts.
"Whoa, alright, dude," Virgil interrupted hastily, "I'm supposed to be the anxious one right now. Not you." Logan sighed, combing through his hair with his free hand and sitting down on his bed.
"My apologies. I get...concerned for your well-being," Logan expressed, fiddling with the tie he for whatever reason still had on at this time of night – a nervous tick of his.
"Yeah, I know you do."
"Right. At any rate, you say you're currently feeling anxious. Can you explain why that is?" There was a sigh on the other end followed by an uncomfortable stretch of silence. "Virgil? Dear?"
"I love you," Virgil blathered suddenly, speaking quickly. Logan paused a moment, eyebrow quirked, though Virgil could not see.
"Well...the feeling is very much reciprocated. Of course, I know you love me, Virgil, and you know I love you too, I presume. I tell you at least once daily, usually more than that if I can help it. This isn't new information? I don't understand how this relates to your current anxiety." Logan heard a long sigh on the other end, one that immediately concerned him. He could hear the fear Virgil was harboring by a simple exhale. Sometimes knowing Virgil as well as he did scared him.
"Hm. It appears I do not understand the extent of the situation and I am a little confused. My apologies if I sounded somewhat insensitive." Logan was stricken with confusion when he heard a short guffaw from Virgil, one that was nervous but still harboring undertones of amusement.
"God, you really are a nerd," Virgil chuckled, still sounding rather unease.
"I-I beg your pardon?" Logan sputtered, only insisting more melodious laughter from his lover.
"Shut up, okay? Don't pretend I don't call you that like, all the time. Let me talk. There's - there's something I gotta say." Virgil grew quiet for a moment, a tremor in his breathing. Logan heard it.
"Alright, Virge," Logan replied with a breathy sigh, albeit a little uneasy, "Go ahead."
"L-listen...I've got something that...that I've been trying to say for a while. R-really, I have been I just...didn't know h-how to do it." Logan bit his lip, pressing the phone as close to his ear as possible, Virgil's restless yet melodious voice washing over him. The anxiousness that his boyfriend dealt with, however, was possibly contagious it seemed, as Logan was becoming increasingly worried with each word uttered.
Get a grip, he thought to himself, irritated with his seeming lack of control, before speaking.
"Dear, perhaps we should have this conversation in person tomorrow, face to face? It seems like this is incredibly important to you and I'd hate to take away from the magnitude of your words by talking about it on the telephone."
"N-no. I can't do that. This-this is the o-only way I'm going to be able to ask you what I need to. I'm already so f-fucking scared. Making eye-contact w-would just make it way worse. Impossible, probably." He said, sounding rather sure of that statement.
"Ah, you have a question," Logan mused thoughtfully.
"Uh yeah, I do."
"Well, alright," Logan said, unsure of what this question could entail, his mind already hard at work with possible scenarios, few of them being positive. "Sorry for interrupting, but I promise you, there's no reason to be scared. Whatever it is, I'll listen. I'm here. Go ahead."
"R-right," Virgil shuddered, sounding unconvinced, "Okay. Logan...I know you already know this, but it still needs to be said. Since you've come into my life, it has changed so-so much. I honestly don't know where I would be without you. I don't know...." Virgil swallowed thickly and from the sounds of things, Logan thought that he might be crying, "I...I don't know if I'd be around if I hadn't met you."
God, that sentence hit Logan, stealing away his breath momentarily. He grips the bedsheets beneath him a tightness in his chest. He didn't like to think about things like that. He didn't let himself.
"Virgil..."
"No. Don't try and counter this or talk me out of it. You don't know. I love you, but you don't know. I don't even know, not for sure, anyways. But what I do know, is that you changed my life completely. You've...m-made it better. A lot better. Y-you, keep me grounded and know h-how to calm me down when the r-rest of the world seems like its crashing down. I...I still don't know how you do it, but I swear, t-there's no one else like you. Not that I know, anyway."
Logan's chest suddenly felt constricted, his breath catching as a small gasp escaped his parted lips as he felt the beginning of tears building behind his eyes. God, he hadn't cried in so long, and now Virgil's sentimental words were bringing him close to tears almost immediately. Virgil's talk of the fact that he could have very possibly been dead if they hadn't met was something that frightened Logan so greatly he suddenly has the childish wish to have Virgil near him so that he could wrap his arms around him and hold him till the sun came up.
"Virgil – I don't...well I mean I...uh..." Logan felt as though his tongue had swelled and his words had abandoned him because suddenly it seemed he was void of sensical speech. He felt his cheeks flush red and hot, embarrassment seeping in but it only earning a laugh from his boyfriend.
"Huh. Getting you speechless seems like some kind of an accomplishment. Nice." Virgil, in a brief, fleeting moment of pride returned to the task at hand, one that was clearly causing him a copious amount of stress. Logan too, at this point.
"Anyways...what I'm trying to say is, I love you. L-like a lot. You make me better, and fuck, I h-hope you think I make you better."
"I do. O-of course I do." Logan squeaked out, yes, actually squeaked out.
"That's good," Virgil stated, voice tremoring, "Because there's something I-I'd like to ask you now." Logan's heart clenched because no, there was no way. This couldn't be what it was beginning to look like. Virgil wasn't going to ask him to – no. No, that'd be ridiculous.
"A-alright. What is it?" Logan asked, panic squirming through him as he desperately wished he sounded calmer than he did. He found himself clutching the phone as tightly as he could possibly, his heart beating insistently and breath quick. Virgil took a deep breath.
"Okay...I-I'm sorry that this is so gushy and just not how we are, b-but I don't really know how to d-do it any differently. Logan Sanders, you make m-my life worth living, a-and I couldn't picture it without you. Not now. So I don't...I don't want to, ever again."
"V-Virgil..." Oh dear god here came the waterworks.
"W-what I'm trying to ask i-is...would you marry me?" Logan's entire body shuddered as fat hot tears that had been pooling in his eyes came trickling down either cheek. He sniffled, trying to contain himself but finding it impossible because fuck, he never thought he would have this. He never thought he would be here and suddenly he was terrified. Fear held him in a death grip and it felt like he couldn't breathe.
"Virgil we've only been dating a year. W-we don't even live together..." Logan pointed out.
"S-so?" Virgil asked, "It doesn't matter to me. None of it. Because you know what? I k-know I love you and I know that I want this if you d-do. Do you want this?" The fear in Virgil's last sentence struck a chord with Logan, even still he found himself floundering.
"T-this isn't a very typical way to propose to someone, you know. Isn't s-socially acceptable." Logan tried to get out without blubbering like a fool.
"Since when have we ever gone by societies shit rules? Do you want this?" Virgil repeated, ignoring Logan's panic. There was a pause. A muffled sob. A deep breath. Another pause.
"I...I don't entirely know," Logan's voice fell flat, felt raw and grating suddenly. "A-and I mean no malicious intent by this I just - could I sleep on it? I'll call you first thing in the morning I just need s-some-."
"Time?" Virgil asked, sounding like all the air had been sucked out of his body, like a deflated balloon. Logan really wanted to believe that wasn't pain he heard in his boyfriend's voice, that he was just stressed and tired. Logan sighed, in agreement Virgil supposed. "Sure thing, Lo. O-of course. Take all the time you need. I d-didn't mean to rush you."
"I..." and there were a lot of other things that Logan felt it appropriate to say, but even so, he swallowed his tongue, the word "coward" ringing through his mind. "Thank you. I'll call you in a bit. I love you."
"I-I love you too. Night."
And with that, Virgil was gone, leaving Logan alone to his thoughts, his festering thoughts.
Though he wasn't entirely sure why, Logan wept the moment he was off the phone, wept long and hard until his face was beat red and thought felt course and he felt as though he could hardly breathe. Though exhaustion was present, as he had already stayed up far best when he usually meant to, he could not sleep. Logan's mind was thick with contemplation, tinges of regret hitting him hard.
He didn't understand this. Surely this was a decision that would take some time and not an answer without any thought. ...right? Rational people didn't just rush into marriage. It could so easily end in disaster, there were statistics to prove it. Facts...facts that kept Logan weary. He wanted to tell himself that was it, that he was just being cautious, thinking of the good of their relationship.
But it just wasn't true.
Because in reality, Logan was scared. Scared out of his wit. Before Virgil, Logan had only been in a couple of relationships, none of them long-term. Neither of them lasting over a couple of months, in fact. He had come to discover through time that those individuals were to keep him entertained, his feels for them were hallowed and dull. They didn't mean what he had thought they did but Virgil...Virgil was something entirely different.
He was the first person to make Logan feel the way he did. The pain in his chest when he looked into his bright eyes. The way he felt enamored by just hearing him speak. The desperation to make him happy. He had realized that from the start, this was how he felt about Virgil, and it had always been worrisome. He hadn't meant to grow as attached as he did. He had tried to keep himself slightly isolated, closed off from himself to fend off any impending heartbreak but...Virgil had gotten in. He'd crept into his mind, snuck into his heart, leaving nothing unturned. He could never go back to how things were before and now, at nearly two in the morning, sitting in his empty apartment, he concluded that he didn't want to.
Logan didn't want to test these waters again, not with anybody else. There wasn't anyone else like Virgil; how could a single soul compare? He loved him, more than he knew his heart would allow.
Virgil was "the one", finally, it was making sense. All of the romantic rantings of his friend Roman about his husband Patton were becoming clear. Patton's simple but sweet explanation of "one day, you'll just know it's him. There's no one else", which had seemed too vague and cryptic were sensical. He was stupid with love, and he had just been presented with an opportunity to immortalize it. And he had practically turned him down.
And now that he thought back to how Virgil had sounded on the phone just before he'd hung up...he recognized genuine heartbreak. Heartbreak that he had caused. How could he be so dense?!
Logan wiped his eyes, standing up from his bed before slipping on his shoes and striding into the kitchen, fumbling for his keys. He was going to make this right.
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It was a good thing that Virgil lived only a couple of blocks away, or else logan could very well have seen himself get into an accident with how much he was trembling. He shook as he got out of the car and walked up to Virgil's apartment, the time now a little past 2 a.m. Nothing about this was an ethical time or place for this, but by this point, Logan didn't see any other options. He paused before knocking on the door with a trembling hand, waiting for the inevitable answer. He knew Virgil, and he knew he wasn't asleep, not now. And still, there was no response. Eager not to wake the neighbors, he fiddled with the spare key Virgil had given him and stepped inside.
"Virgil? Dear, it's me. It's Logan," he called out, walking into Virgil's apartment, glancing around for the whereabouts of his boyfriend, "I know its late, I just want to talk with y-." Logan stopped mid-sentence though, only to find Virgil in a mess of blankets on the sofa, runny eye-shadow tear tracks tattooing his cheeks. He curled into himself, looking like a frightened animal, sniffling when he made eye contact with Logan, who was immediately grief-stricken.
"L-Lo..." Virgil tried to speak, but a sob bubbled in his throat and he closed his eyes tightly, hugging himself. Logan quickly rushed to his side, nealing beside Virgil on the couch and extending a hand to him, only for Virgil to retract his.
"Virgil. Darling, oh, don't cry. I don't like to...to see you cry. I'm here, come on now. Come here," he asked softly, almost pleadingly. Virgil hesitated a moment before wrapping unsteady arms around Logan's neck, his boyfriend suddenly clinging to him as he cried into his shoulder.
"I-I thought...I thought I s-scared you away..." Virgil muttered through his tears but sighed in such genuine relief as Logan held him tighter, crawling onto the couch so that Virgil was in his lap. He kissed his lips softly, the taste of salt mingling on his breath.
"Of course, you didn't," Logan said, pressing his forehead to Virgil's, "the very notion is preposterous. I don't think it'd be possible for you to frighten me away from you. It seems I love you too much." Logan felt his heart swell as Virgil nuzzled against him like a feline, clinging on for dear life. His tears still fell, though lightly now, and he'd rubbed off his eyeshadow onto Logan's shirt, but at this point, neither of them cared. Logan felt contentment wash over him as he held Virgil to him, feeling his lover's heartbeat against his own.
"Virgil? Love?" Logan asked softly, after a long beat of silence. Virgil looked up at him, hazy as exhaustion was finally beginning to take its toll.
"Yeah?" He asked sleepily, eyes now wide though. Logan smiled softly as he reached out and touched Virgil's hand.
"My answer is yes." Virgil blinked once, twice, before realization hit him suddenly. He squirmed out of Logan's grasp, face overtaken by bright joy.
"Wait, for real?! L-like, actually?" Logan chuckled lowly, nodding.
"Yes. "Like actually"," before cupping Virgil's face in his hands, kissing him tenderly. Virgil shut his eyes, humming into the kiss. He pulled back, surprise still heavily evident.
"But..." he said, now leaning against Virgil's chest, "You seemed so...apprehensive. I-I actually thought you m-might break up with me. I felt like such an idiot." Logan sighed, looking at Virgil.
"You're nothing of the sort, and I would never break up with you over something so ridiculous. Addressing my apprehension...I was scared. I am scared, terrified if you must know. I didn't ever think I would find someone and get married and well, live such a...domestic life. It wasn't what I thought my life would look like, and with us, I didn't, for a lack of a better term, want to fuck up. But...I thought about it, and cried, I'll have you know I cried a lot." Virgil looked up, stunned.
"You did?"
"Yes," Logan replied, "I did. Over you, because I realized I don't want to be with anyone else. Not ever again, if I can help it. I...I just want you. I'm scared, but I don't care, because I know you'll make it better. I am a fool for not realizing it the moment you asked." Virgil exhaled slowly, burying his face in Logan's chest, his boyfriend leaning back on the sofa to give them easy access to lounging.
"Well then, we're both idiots."
"Probably best we're together then," Logan mussed and Virgil smiled against him.
"Probably. Uh...I didn't actually buy a ring yet because I wasn't sure which one you should like and I thought that maybe we could pick them out together. It sounds more fun like that to me, anyway." Logan grinned, carding a hand through Virgil's hair.
"That sounds perfect, Virgil."
"Yeah," Virgil yawned, "I think it does."
"Tired, love?"
"Mhm," Virgil muttered, "Stick around. I wanna sleep on you," he said. This was a rare moment for the couple, where they were so affectionately clingy. It was nice. Logan nodded, still smiling brightly.
"Then I'll stay right here. Goodnight, Virgil. I love you."
"Mmhm. Night Lo-Lo," Virgil muttered affectionately, "I love you too. Tomorrow we can tell Pat and Ro that I proposed to you over the phone. They'll get a kick out of that."
"I'm sure they will," Logan said, holding his now-fiancé flush against him. They two fell asleep like that, on the couch, with the light still on, at almost 3 in the morning, but it didn't matter. They had each other and had found peace in ways neither of them had expected. They slept soundly.
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