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Rain struck Sole as she walked down the barren street. The drops soaked her Vaultsuit and snaked down the back of her neck. She didn’t even have her hat to block some of the downfall. She had left it at the Valentine Detective Agency.
She wished she could leave her thoughts behind as easily. Every time she got control of herself, something would make her think of Nick—and that would only remind her of her failure earlier that night. Then the tears would start again. She was a fool for thinking there was anything between them.
She turned on her radio, hoping that some music might distract her from the rain and the heartache. An upbeat tune rang out. She hurried her steps, already feeling a little lighter. She forced herself to snap her fingers along with the music. For a time it worked, and she started to forget her embarrassment. Then the lyrics started.
You know the one I love belongs to somebody else—
Sole switched the radio off. She waited a minute, then turned it back on.
If you wonder why I’m near you, even though I’ve been denied,
I’m inclined to be a little on the sentimental side—
She turned it off again and left it that way.
“Come on, Travis, can’t you play 'Pistol-Packin’ Mama' or something?” she grumbled.
She walked on in silence. The rain had let up just enough to have a calm, even sound. She savored the melancholy. It was fitting. Even on better days, she liked walking in the rain. Everything was quiet, there were seldom any gunfights, and even the feral ghouls had enough sense to get indoors. The only threat that remained was the supermutants, but she could smell their camps a mile away.
She passed a faded advertisement. It displayed army recruitment information. The poster made her pause. A sick, hollow feeling rose up in her heart. She quickly turned away and started up the radio again.
Once in a while, will you try to give one little thought to me,
Though someone else may be nearer your heart—
She let it play. Even though it sent a stabbing pain through her heart with every beat, she let the song play through to the end.
She wished she could be happy with just Nick's friendship. It should be more than enough. The fact that he thought well of her was merit in itself. Why couldn’t she be content with that? Now he was lacking a partner—all because she wanted him to feel something that just wasn’t there. It was selfish of her to leave.
She paused for a moment, watching the raindrops fall from her hair. The thought of going back occurred to her. She sighed. She needed a stiff drink before deciding on anything. She started on her way, this time heading for Goodneighbor.
Sole rested her elbows on the bar at the Third Rail. She sipped from a glass of something—she wasn’t sure what. The bartender had left the bottle. Her eyes were still too blurry with tears to tell what it said. Not that she cared much. As long as it got the job done.
A man approached the bar and ordered a drink in a familiar, raspy voice. From the corner of her eye, she caught sight of a red frock coat. She took her handkerchief from her pocket and tried to dry her tears before he noticed them.
“Hey sunshine. You’re up late,” he said.
“Evening, Hancock,” she tried to mask the wavering tone of her voice.
“Where’s Nick?”
“Diamond City.”
He studied her for a moment.
“You doing alright?” He said.
“Yeah,” she said, pouring herself another shot.
“Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hang on.”
He took the bottle from her hands and set it down out of her reach.
“Come on, give it back.”
“The mayor says no.”
"Oh really? You of all people are going to tell me that I can’t put this poison in my body?”
“Wow, that one almost hurt my feelings. Now tell me what’s going on. Misery doesn’t like company that much.“
“I’m trying to forget what’s going on. Why do you think I’m here?”
“That's what I’m trying to figure out. You and Nick have been attached at the hip for weeks, and suddenly you show up here alone? Doesn’t make sense.”
Sole tried to suppress the wave of misery that washed over her. Hearing his name was like having a knife in her belly. She bowed her head. Tears dripped down her chin. Restrained anguish shook her body.
Hancock drew back.
“Oh. Hey, don’t cry. I’ll let you have the booze if you want,” he said.
Sole shook her head. She knew that if she tried to speak, everything would come tumbling out—all the hurt and heartache and shame.
He took her by the shoulders and guided her away from the bar.
“Let’s, uh—let’s find a quieter spot, yeah?” he said. “Having a breakdown in public’s no good. All it gets you is a bunch of pity, and I’ve never been a fan of that, you? ...You don’t have to answer.”
He lead her into the VIP room, shut the door behind them, and sat her down on the moth-eaten couch. She pressed her handkerchief to her eyes. After a moment, she was able to bring her breathing under control.
“Sorry for being an ass earlier,” she said.
“I’ve heard worse. So… you wanna tell me what’s got you bugged? Let me guess: that old circuit board made one too many wise-cracks, and you decided to split.”
“No, it’s… more pathetic than that.”
“Uh-huh. Pathetic him or pathetic you?”
“Pathetic me. I caught feelings and decided to act on them. It didn’t go well.”
Hancock nodded.
“Weird for a guy who puts light-up hearts all over the place,” he said. “Not a love machine, huh?”
She gave a half-hearted chuckle.
“No, I guess not.”
“Eh, who needs him. A pretty girl like you will find someone else.”
Sole ran her fingers along the screen of her Pipboy. She couldn’t believe that anyone else would make her feel as safe as Nick did.
“It’s just that… being in this place has been one disaster after another,” she said. “I couldn’t take five steps without some damn thing trying to kill me—hell, I couldn’t even make it out of the Vault without being swarmed by radroaches,” she raised her voice in frustration. “Then I go to Concord and there’s a firefight and a Deathclaw, then I go to Diamond City and there’s supermutants everywhere along the way, and it seems like there’s a sniper on every rooftop, and ferals all over the place, and even most of the decent folks have some sort of agenda, and just when I thought I’d never get any rest in this blighted hellscape, I get sent to Vault 114,” she paused to catch her breath. “And I meet Nick. And he just gets it. And he’s kind to me, not because he wants something, but just for its own sake. It was like… for the first time in weeks, I could breathe. And his voice was like rain in the desert.”
Her voice broke. The sudden passion died down, and she folded her emotions back in. Hancock put his arm around her. She let her head rest on his shoulder.
“Yeah. I get it,” he said. “It’s easy to let yourself get pulled in too deep when someone’s good to you.”
She sighed.
“The worst part is, I thought he made me feel like I wasn’t alone. But now I’m more lonesome than ever.”
He placed a hand on her arm.
“Been there,” he murmured.
The touch drove out all other thoughts. Without thinking, she spoke.
“Would you do me a favor?”
“What is it?”
“Just… just hold me,” she said.
He gave her a surprised look.
“You sure you wanna get that close to a ghoul?”
“I trust you. You’re one of the few people I can trust. Please… I just need to know that someone can stand being near me.”
He pulled her close, nestling her head under his chin. She gripped the frill of his shirt.
“Funny talk from a smooth-skin,” he said. “I can guarantee that there are plenty of folks who want to be near you.”
Her thumb touched his skin. She had almost forgotten how burning hot a man could feel when he was close. The only warm spot Nick had was his chest; the rest was room-temperature at most. She moved her hand to Hancock's neck, relishing the heat, the texture, the slight give. She took a shuddering breath.
“John…”
His shoulders stiffened. His grip tightened on her arm. She wanted to ask him. Yet if he said no—she wasn’t sure if she could bear it. Without letting another second slip by, she took his face in her hands and brought his lips to hers.
He didn’t resist. He didn’t even hesitate. In an instant, he had melted into her embrace, kissing her with every ounce of desperation she had. He took all that she gave and gave back double. Suddenly they were lying down on the couch, his fingers twining in her hair, her hand tracing the slope of his spine.
Then he slowed. Sole pressed another kiss, terrified that he might leave. He confirmed her fears by drawing away.
“Listen sunshine, hang on, hang on,” he said, pausing to catch his breath. “Before this goes any further—and don’t get me wrong, I would like this go further—I want to make sure this is what you really want.”
She knew what she wanted, but he didn't want her. And here was a man willing to touch her and kiss her and be close to her. She wanted everything—and nothing. She wanted now and never. She wanted it all at once.
“Of course it is,” she lied.
She pulled him in for another kiss, but now there was hesitation on his lips. The thoughtless abandon of a moment before had vanished. He leaned back and held her at bay.
“Look, I live my life without regrets,” he said. “A lot of people think that means I don’t give a shit about anything, but that’s not true. Not even a little. The truth is I give a shit about a lot of things. So whenever I decide to do something, I make damn sure it’s what I want. That I’ll be able to look at my face in the mirror and live with the decisions I’ve made. I guess what I’m trying to say here is that I don’t want you looking back on this and wishing you had done things differently. I’d rather just keep being your friend than end up as one of your regrets.”
Sole looked away. The same sick feeling from before crept back into her gut.
“Wow. That’s pretty deep,” she said.
“Yeah, I’m frickin’ Shakespeare. A real Casanova, talking my way out of someone’s bed. Anyway, what do you say we call it a night, and if you ever decide you wanna go through with this… well, you know where to find me.”
Tears started to well up in her eyes, blurring her vision.
“Thank you,” she whispered.
He brushed his fingers down the side of her face.
“That bucket of bolts doesn’t realize what he’s got.”
Sole couldn’t hold back the hurt anymore. She burst into tears.
Hancock sat up and pulled her into his arms. She clinged to him as if her grip could force away the pain.
If she listened, she could hear the rain pattering outside. She watched her tears snake down the back of Hancock’s coat. His hat lay next to them on the couch, and she remembered that she had left hers in Diamond City. She closed her eyes. It would take some time before she could go back to get it.