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HELLO AND WELCOME OUR MOST GENTLE OF LADY-FUCKS. WELCOME TO THE MOST IMPORTANT GUIDE YOU WILL EVER GET TO SEE. IT IS A MUST SEE. YOU MUST SEE THIS AND KNOW THIS AND READ THIS IN FULL, BECAUSE IF YOU DO NOT, I WILL PERSONALLY AQUIRE YOUR ADDRESS WITH THE SOLE INTENTION OF COMING THE FUCK OVER SO YOU CAN FIND THE FUCK OUT WHY IT IS THAT THIS IS SO VERY IMPORTANT. READ, OR WEEP. YOU SORRY LITTLE SOD.
we are not starting it like that, Tubbo.
WHY?
because.
BECAUSE???
...Tubbo. Tubbo gimmie the keyboard.
YOU HAVE NO AUTHORITY OVER ME.
I do, actually.
WHAT KIND?
I'm your husband and I pay all the bills around these parts. Also this is my laptop and my idea. Scoot your booty over, I'm gonna type stuff and only put what you say in if I think it works.
you are...a cruel,,,,,and barbarous spouse. I shall do as you say and die within the week. Fuck you. Cunt.
Okay. Let's just,,,,let's just not with all of that. And let's just
Hello! This is Ranboo Beloved typing. If you have come across this piece of written word, then congratulations! You are now in possession of THE one and only "Bee n' Boo's Guide for Caring for Your Golden Hubby"! Hooray for you! Unless we printed off more, in which case hooray for you and hooray for anyone else who may have been given one of these.
What is this, you may be asking?
Why, it's exactly what it says on the tin! This is a guide written by both of use to teach you about how to properly care for, maintain, and observe the behaviors of a certain little golden flower, whom is small and sweet and also very very pretty-
and sexy
Tubbo, no-
he's gorgeous and beautiful and amazing and talented and has SO MUCH GREATNESS TO HIM. ALL OF IT. ALL OF THE GREATNESS CONTAINED WITHIN HIS TENDER LITTLE FORM. GODS ONLY KNOW BITS OF HIS GLORY. HIS SPLENDOR. HIS EXCELLENCE AND WONDERFULLY CUTSIE AND IRRESISTABLY ENDEARING CHARM, WHICH HAS BROUGHT MANY A MAN TO HIS KNEES. US. US MEN. IT HAS BROUGHT BOTH OF US MEN TO OUR KNEES ON NUMEROUS OCCASIONS. JUST THE OTHER DAY I FELL DOWN THE Stairs why are you takinijnsjvn
SORRY ABOUT THAT, AH HA HA HAHAHHAHAHA!! That was my husband, Tubbo Underscore! He's the co-author of this piece, but he isn't in the driver's seat so to speak, so please pay no mind to anything odd he might manage to sneak in as we get into the nitty-gritty right off the bat.
To start, let's go over some important basics to keep in mind with caring for your golden hubby!
- Do not raise your voice unless necessary and apologize once you've finished.
- Be patience and mindful. Do not rush him or push him to go too fast. He's fragile and needs to be handled gently, especially if he's already a bit stressed or distracted by something nearby, such as a butterfly or a really neat bug.
- Don't make fun of any noises he makes.
- Don't make fun of any movements he might do and only stop him if he risks hurting himself.
- Don't feed him thinks he says are gross no matter how odd the reason for the things being gross may be.
- Some smells are okay. Others are not.
- Blankets are your friends! Make sure to have plenty.
- Cows are good for panic attacks.
- hug him if he cries or weep for the rest of your days, your utter bafoon.
- only hug him when he cries if he says it is okay yes that's what I was gonna add that's common sense do u think that I am the big stupid.
- don't let Tubbo write the list.
With all of THAT out of the way, let's go onto something more specific! Something like food! Food that he enjoys and will eat most easily. These foods are recommended to be given if he ever shows signs of stress/irritation, or if he's between meals and needs something to hold him over in the form of a nice lil' snack! Peaches, strawberries, apples and dried bananas are all very good go-tos! Rice is also easy to microwave, as are pre-cooked bacon and oatmeal mixed with a dash of cinnamon spice! He's also fond of tea. Vanilla chai is his favorite!
I gave him a mouse I caught one time. He liked it and named her Cheese-it.
We are not talking about Cheese-it, Tubbo.
We are talking about Cheese-it.
I want a divorce and am taking Tommy in it.
I want a big rock that I can lay on to bask in the sun. I'm talking about Cheese-it.
We will not being talking about Cheese-it in this written piece.
Fuck!! You!!
Moving on. Bird boys such as ours enjoy many forms of affection! Hugs are an easy way to love on him. Cuddles on the couch are also pretty great, as well as on the bed where he can make a nice nest that's very good for warmth. He also likes to have his back rubbed. Make sure not to scrape him with your claws, if you have any will to live becuase if you do that I will tax u to death and steal your knees to sell in a filth-ridden backwater somewhere in
GIVE HIM A KISS ON THE FOREHEAD, MAYBE!!! THAT WORKS, YEAH!!
you are a coward to silence me
I am now going to tell you all about how much the gold boy enjoys being called “baby”. He really seems to enjoy it. It’s silly and a little bitch cliche, but really, if he ever seems sad or upset or just generally down in the dumps, calling him any variation of baby, baby boy, sweet boy, sweetie pie, or just the good ol’ sweetheart is sure to lighten his spirits.
He enjoys being nuzzled.
He likes to be tickled as long as it’s only for a bit and you stop when he says.
His voice goes all high when he gets a little embarrassed.
He squeaks when you squeeze him just right. If you squeeze too hard he might start to peep, but that’s okay! Just let him go and give him a little nuzzle to show him that he’s safe and can leave whenever ehhhhhhhhhhhhheee
If you even dare and make him upset, I will ACTUALLY fucking murder you tubbo I am not joking tubbo c’mon I am not joshing tubbo what nor am I draking what even is I’m the fella that made nukes around here motherfucker. Nukes! Do you think that I can’t find where you live and make your life an even bigger hell than it already is???? HMMM????? Do YOOUU?
Due to disagreements between authors, this written piece will need to be held back from release until future revision.
Coward
Cutie
FUCK YOU!