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Bucky doesn't love him, not in the way Steve wants. It's an irrefutable fact he has to deal with, no matter how hard it is to watch Bucky love other people.
Bucky’s been bringing home girls again, since he's started his recovery. Steve wants to support his friend but he can't deny it makes him feel sick. He loves Bucky. As bad as it sounds… he thinks he could love Bucky better than anyone else. But he's forced to downplay his love. Steve is just Bucky’s friend. He doesn't get more than that.
It gets worse when Bucky starts bringing home guys. It proves that while he is attracted to men, he clearly isn't attracted to Steve. It kills Steve. It makes him feel lonely in ways he can't describe. It hurts. He starts avoiding their apartment after that, especially at night. He starts avoiding Bucky. It's not fair, he knows. Bucky didn't do anything wrong. But seeing him makes Steve want to cry and he can't let Bucky see him cry. He can't watch him make heart eyes at anyone else. He can't listen to him have sex with anyone else. Not anymore.
Steve frequents the gym and destroys punching bags. Even the reinforced ones Tony made. He wanders around New York and looks sad in the subway. He eats at restaurants all by himself and he goes to the movies alone. He goes to art museums and tries to feel alive. Not even seeing some of the most beautiful art in the world helps. Steve is a shell of who he was. Steve is heartbroken.
It goes on for two months until Bucky finally confronts him, preventing him from getting out of the door.
"Just let me go, Buck," Steve says. He hates how weak he sounds, how defeated. He's so tired.
"No," Bucky says. His arms are crossed across his chest. He looks upset.
"I have things to do," Steve protests.
"No you don't," Bucky says. He swallows. "Am I truly so horrible that you can't stand to be near me anymore? I have barely caught a glimpse of you in weeks."
"You're not horrible," Steve says vehemently. "I'm just going through some stuff."
"You used to tell me about that, whenever you were struggling. You didn't tell anyone else but you used to trust me," Bucky says, smiling sadly.
"Buck…" Steve says. "I trust you, I do, but I can't tell you this. It would ruin everything."
"I don't get it," Bucky says. "I don't."
"I'm sorry," Steve says.
Bucky lets him go after that. As he steps out of the door, Steve feels worse than he has felt in all these months. He thinks he may have just lost his best friend. Now he will get even less of Bucky. Steve deserves it. He deserves to suffer. He goes to his favorite restaurant and cries into his pasta. He's lucky the waitress knows him and likes him and shields him from everyone else.
"Bad breakup?" she asks.
"We weren't even together," Steve says sadly. "Still hurts."
She gives him a sympathetic smile. "I'll give you a drink on the house," she says.
"Thank you," Steve says.
He has the drink and eats his pasta. He ponders over what happened today, what's been happening the last few months. He has been so wrapped up in his own pain, that he's clearly been hurting Bucky. He doesn't want to hurt Bucky. Bucky has suffered enough. Steve needs to fix this, he just doesn't know how.
He pays for his meal and tips generously. Then he takes the subway home. Bucky might have left by now, Steve thinks. He's probably somewhere else, with someone who makes him feel wanted and trusted. Someone who's not Steve.
But when Steve steps into their apartment, Bucky is not gone. He's sitting in front of the door. He stares at Steve. It's clear he has been crying and Steve feels like an asshole. He wishes he'd at least told Bucky the truth. He might have lost Bucky or weirded him out but it was better than Bucky believing he isn't good enough.
"Hey," Bucky says softly.
"Hey," Steve says.
There's a pause. Steve closes the door behind him and sits down in front of Bucky.
"I think we should talk," Steve says.
"I was trying, earlier today," Bucky replies.
"I know, I'm sorry," Steve says. "And I'm sorry for how I made you feel."
"I'm sorry, too," Bucky says. "I know I did something to make you avoid me and I'm sorry for whatever it was."
"You didn't do anything wrong," Steve says.
Bucky raises his eyebrow. He clearly doesn't believe that. Crap. Steve really should have told Bucky sooner.
"I mean it. You didn't do anything wrong. It's all on me… I… Bucky, I'm so in love with you and it hurts because you don't feel the same and then you were bringing all these people home and I couldn't take it anymore… It hurts too much to watch you be with someone else. So I started leaving the apartment, trying to deal with my feelings. But I never meant to hurt you. I never wanted to lose my best friend," Steve stumbles through the words.
"Wait, wait, wait," Bucky says quickly. "You love me?"
"Yeah," Steve says. "I do. Sorry."
He tries to make himself smaller and fails. His supersoldier body is too big to actually become small. He does manage to wrap his arms around his waist, making himself feel calmer and safer. Protecting himself from the inevitable pain.
"Steve, I love you, too. I always have," Bucky says. "I only brought those other people home because I thought you didn't want me. And I never loved them. I only slept with them to pass the time and they knew that. But I guess… I guess you couldn't know that."
"You actually love me," Steve whispers, shocked.
"I do. I love you so much." Bucky reaches out and carefully puts his hand on Steve’s knee.
Steve smiles at him. He's happy for the first time in months. He has hope again.
"Kiss me?" he asks.
Bucky nods.
Steve takes his arms away from his waist and pulls Bucky closer. Their lips press together. Steve feels something heal inside.
Bucky loves him.
They love each other.
They deserve happiness.