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Everything has been going so well.
Amazing, even.
For the first time in maybe years— hell, for the first time ever, his life is going well; he is doing wonders at work, his family and friends are all in a better place in their own lives, his relationship with Eddie— who is his boyfriend now, his partner in literally every way, is fucking thriving; overall, things are just…good.
His life is good.
For the first time ever, Buck feels content.
He feels at ease.
But of course, it doesn't last for long.
That peaceful feeling that was filling his chest with warmth and taking his breath away gets slaughtered by his own ruined mind.
At the end of the day, his mind takes him prisoner, and plays its twisted games like it always does.
He gets woken up in one of the best ways, by feeling Eddie's lingering lips against his skin, peppering soft kisses all over his face and pulling him from his sleep.
He keeps his eyes closed and lies on his back as Eddie keeps planting tiny pecks on top of his curls, brushing his lips down to his forehead, and a kiss on his temple, on his birthmark. He feels those soft lips on his eyelid, on the tip of his nose, on his cheekbones. Then a warm hand slides under his shirt and rests on his side, thumb caressing his relaxed muscles back and forth as Eddie scoots closer and parts open Buck's legs with his own, making a room for it between his thighs. The scent of Eddie's faded perfume and his vanilla shampoo surround him like cotton, the perfect amount of pressure of Eddie's hand on his skin and the weight of his boyfriend's chest against his ground him, he feels Eddie in every fiber of his being as Eddie's lips mark every inch of his face and finally, finally meet his chapped ones.
That's when Buck's eyes crack open, and the world— Eddie slowly comes into focus, filling his line of vision.
"Morning, sleepy head." Eddie says with a smile and props himself up on his elbow, and rests his head on his hand, his rough voice tingling Buck's insides.
A shy smile curves Buck's lips as he closes his eyes briefly before opening them back again and wrapping his fingers around Eddie's bicep. "M'rning. You're up early."
It's the weekend and Buck's day off, and Eddie's shift will only start in the afternoon, with Chris being at a sleepover, there is no reason for any of them to wake up early. Although Buck isn't really surprised considering their frequently changing schedules and all.
Eddie's hand on his skin slides up and travels along his chest, the fabric of Buck's shirt lifting up and exposing his pale torso, Buck's slack muscles shy away when Eddie's fingers play with the hairs on his chest and trail down his stomach, making Buck let out a soft chuckle.
"Just wanted to admire my view." Eddie teases and rests his palm on Buck's stomach, his fingers gliding themselves under the waistband of Buck's sweatpants just an inch. "Have I told you that my view is really pretty?"
Buck's breath hitches in his throat, a tiny, breathy moan escapes his lips as he closes his eyes and presses his cheek against the pillow. He brings his hand to the back of Eddie's head and buries his fingers, and opens his eyes to stare at Eddie's lustful hazels, his heart beating a mile in a minute.
He licks his lips and smiles cheekily, his breathing getting faster. "Maybe."
"Maybe?" Eddie's brows arch, he leans forward and places another kiss on Buck's lips, his hand making his way further down. "What if I show you, then?"
Buck lets out another whine and wraps his arms around Eddie to pull him close, fingers digging his toned muscles as he kisses his boyfriend like there is no tomorrow, whispering into his lips. "I'd like that."
Their sloppy makeout session turns into a mind blowing morning sex that leaves both of them panting, Eddie collapses on top of Buck and Buck keeps his arms folded around the other man for a little longer, feeling the strong thump of his boyfriend's heart against his own chest. His mind and body are still under the spell of Eddie's hands and lips, too blissed out to move or even function. It's not only him that needs a moment after sex, he knows Eddie also feels the need to lie and do nothing until his brain reboots itself, so they just stay still and hold each other until the haziness over their mind disappears.
"We should get up." Eddie breaks the silence after a while, grumbling into Buck's flushed chest.
Buck gives him a nod, but neither of them move a muscle. Instead, he lightly scratches Eddie's back and Eddie sags further into him.
"When do you have to leave for work?" Buck asks.
With a sigh, Eddie rolls onto his back and stares at the ceiling, his shoulder plastered to Buck's. "In a few hours. Bobby said he wants to have a meeting with us."
"Yikes." Buck grimaces, and his heart swells when Eddie chuckles next to him. "Captain Nash strikes again."
"You know how he is during supervision periods."
Buck lets out a snort. "Yeah, sucks to be you right now."
"Fuck off." Eddie twists his head to Buck, his face in a fake pout, and lightly taps Buck's chest with the back of his hand. "You wish you were me."
The room fills with Buck's quiet chuckle, he turns to Eddie's side and slips his hand under the pillow as he stares at the other man's relaxed face until Eddie turns to his side as well and his eyes meet Buck's, glinting with adoration that melts Buck whenever Eddie looks at him like that.
Buck scoots closer again, close enough that he can count Eddie's lashes, Eddie lowers his gaze to his lips and lifts them back up to his eyes before drawing himself closer, but their moment gets interrupted by the sound of Eddie's alarm.
Eddie rolls his eyes as Buck groans and presses his face into the pillow.
So much for fun.
"Time to get up." Eddie sighs and twists his lips.
And with that, the day officially begins.
Buck brews fresh coffee and sets the table while Eddie gets dressed for work in the bedroom, humming along to a soft tune that's playing on his phone in the background. He doesn't have the best voice in the world, he actually sucks— Eddie messes with him all the time because that fucker has an angelic voice that makes Buck weak in the knees, but he finds himself humming whenever he feels content, which is a lot lately.
He is in the middle of cooking eggs when there are footsteps nearing closer, then Buck feels a weight pressed against his back, securing him as a pair of arms wrap themselves around his torso and hold him tight.
"Smells good." Eddie's chin digs his shoulder.
Buck ducks his head. "It's the recipe you showed me the other day. Thought I'd give it a try."
"Wow, look at you go." Eddie sticks his head forward and stares at the golden scramble in the pan. "Looks good, chef."
A playful smirk lightens up on Buck's face. "Yeah, at least one of us knows how to cook— ow!" He chokes out a squawk when Eddie pokes his finger to his side, and sees Eddie giving him his signature side eyes when he twists his head, but it only makes him chuckle more.
"You're lucky I have work, Buckley." Eddie looks at him with a fake glare while taking out two cups and pouring coffee, but Buck still can feel the fondness his boyfriend is trying to hide deep in his bones.
Buck only stares back with a big grin and places the pan on the table while Eddie sits in his seat. "There you go."
"Thanks, babe."
They have their breakfast and enjoy their coffee until it's time for Eddie to leave, then Eddie kisses him goodbye and leaves for work.
First, Buck tidies up the kitchen. He puts the dirty plates in the dishwasher, cleans the counter and opens the windows to let some fresh air get in.
Then, he makes his way to the bedroom and a warm smile twists up his lips as he shakes his head when he sees Eddie's sweatpants haphazardly tossed on their still unmade bed, waiting for him.
Buck finds himself staring at the sight, and a piece of clothing somehow manages to bring out a wave of emotions to the surface, Buck's heart skips a beat and his insides feel tingly all of a sudden.
It's just— it looks so home , so lively and real , and there is so much more underneath it all.
It's Eddie's clothes on the bed— on their bed, in their home. A dream he once thought he would never get the chance to live.
But he is in his dream now, waking up to it every single day.
It's Eddie and Chris and their home and their life.
Everything he couldn't even dare cross his mind are now his, and he is sharing them with the love of his life.
God, how did he get so lucky?
What did he do to deserve all this?
Wait.
What did he actually do to deserve this?
What did he do that made him earn this beautiful life he's living?
Nothing.
He did nothing, and yet he has everything he aches for.
He has everything he doesn't deserve.
He doesn't deserve any of this. It's not his place, it's not his life to live.
Not one bit.
It isn't supposed to be his bed, it isn't supposed to be his home— their home, Eddie and Chris aren't supposed to be his, this isn't supposed to be his life; who the hell is he to think he can have all of this, that he deserves all of this?
It's all a lie.
It's all a lie, his whole life is based on a lie, he is living a dream that belongs to someone else.
Anyone else but him.
Happiness belongs to anyone else but him.
He doesn't have a place in it.
The room suddenly gets blurry and his eyes start to sting, his heart feels heavy, everything feels heavy. The heat on his face burns him alive but his ice cold hands freeze him to death. There is a lump in his throat, so heavy that Buck can't breathe, it sits there like tons of bricks and suffocates him, takes his breath away.
Buck's breath hitches and tears dampen his face— why the fuck is he even crying; he quickly wipes them with the back of his hand, so quick and harsh because he doesn't get to cry, not something that wasn't his in the first place, but still it doesn't stop them from falling, tiny drops keep streaming down until his eyes hurt and everything is a blurry mess.
Why is he even still here? It's not his house, it's not his , how stupid must he be to not comprehend this?
He is an intruder, that's what he is, a fraud that steals the lives of other people and acts like he belongs in it.
And he does it so seamlessly.
A sob tears his throat but he clenches his jaw to shut himself up. His whole body is trembling, he can feel his blood rushing through his veins, he can feel his heart threatening to give out.
He should just go.
But he doesn't have anywhere else to go.
He doesn't have his loft, not anymore.
He doesn't have anywhere to go.
Except maybe he does.
He has that one person who can understand him the best.
Someone who he grew up with. Maybe he can go there.
Without taking his phone or a jacket, Buck grabs his car keys and leaves Eddie's house.
Maddie is folding laundry in the bedroom when she hears three quiet knocks coming from the door. Chim still has a few hours left for his shift so it couldn't be him, and she isn't really expecting anyone, she thinks maybe it's one of her neighbors who wants to grab a cup of coffee, so before the knocking wakes Jee up, she makes her way to the and pulls it open.
The second she sees her brother's face, she just knows in her bones that something isn't right.
With his bloodshot red rimmed eyes and hunched down posture, Buck is standing at the entrance, avoiding looking Maddie in the eye. His curls are disheveled like they have been ruffled a million times and Maddie can see traces of dried tears on his cheeks, his long lashes still damp; there is this heartbroken expression painting Buck's face and it fuels Maddie's blood with the urge to protect .
"Buck?" Maddie can't hide the confusion in her voice.
Buck picks the skin of his thumb with his fingers as he talks, a forced, tiny smile on his lips that doesn't even try to reach his eyes, his voice a little hoarse. "Hey— uhm, sorry for not calling first."
To that, Maddie rolls her eyes and steps aside, waving Buck to get in. "Come inside."
Buck slowly makes his way inside, eyes wandering around the room, hesitating. "I'm not interrupting anything, am I?"
"Nah." Maddie shakes her head. "I was just folding laundry."
"Where is Jee?" Buck asks, his eyes lighting up the slightest at his niece's name.
"Sleeping." Maddie sighs. "After hours of running around."
Buck lets out a quiet chuckle, a soft one. "She's a menace."
"She is a Buck Jr." Maddie teases, her brows arched, and her eyes crinkle when a warm smile curves her lips at the sight of Buck ducking his head like a shy little kid.
They talk while making it to the bedroom, Buck sits on the edge of the bed next to some unfolded clothes tossed on the mattress and Maddie sits close to him, taking a piece of fabric in her hand and slowly folding it.
Buck joins his hands and rests them on his lap, he watches Maddie fold the fabrics with such focus his face slackens and he looks so naive like this, it pulls Maddie back to her childhood, reminds her the times where they would sit in her room after school and Buck would watch her with absolute silence while she did her homework. She would toss him quick glances to see if he is still paying attention— he would, and go back to doing her homework, sometimes reading the sentences out loud so Buck could listen. Those times were one of her favorites, they were in their bedroom, finding peace within each other's stillness.
Some things have changed now, but the feeling is still the same. There is silence surrounding the bedroom for some time, only the muffled sounds of the sheets piling up on top of each other as Maddie folds them.
Not long after, she breaks the silence.
"Here." She tosses one of the shirts to Buck's lap. "Help your sister out."
Buck's face softens only a little and he takes the fabric in his hands, smoothening the wrinkles by slowly dragging his palm over the fabric and taking his time folding.
He looks troubled even if he tries his best to not show it, Maddie can tell it from his face, his baby blues don't have their usual spark and his whole presence screams sorrow . There is a still but heavy atmosphere in the room, glooming over them like dark clouds in an overcast, but Maddie knows Buck enough to let him be and wait for him to come undone on his own terms.
That doesn't mean she won't encourage him, though.
"Is everything alright?" Maddie asks gently.
Buck doesn't give her a verbal answer, he keeps his head low and eyes fixed on the towel on his lap that he smoothens with his hands over and over again instead of putting it aside, and nods.
Of course, his half-assed answer doesn't satisfy Maddie.
"Did something happen with Eddie?" Maddie's voice is a little worried but still gentle.
Buck bites the inside of his cheeks and shakes his head hesitantly, but his movements slow down at the mention of his boyfriend's name.
Okay, something is definitely wrong.
Maddie lets out a defeated sigh. "Buck—"
"Uh— can I ask you something?" Buck's quiet voice cracks as he speaks. His head stays low and he starts to pick the skin of his thumb with his forefinger.
Maddie puts the clothes to the side and closes the distance between Buck, their knees brushing. "Of course." She says and patiently waits for Buck's question.
Still, it strikes her like a gutpunch, sits on her chest like an elephant and takes her breath away.
"Am I— uh— do you— do you think I deserve to be happy?"
What?
It catches Maddie off guard, more importantly the way Buck looks so fragile while asking that does it for Maddie; her eyes widen and she visibly gets taken aback.
Suddenly her brain stops running.
"What?" Maddie's mouth falls open. "Buck— what kinda question is that? Of course you do."
"I— I don't know." Buck shakes his head again and lets out a bitter chuckle. "I don't think so."
And the worst thing is Maddie is pretty sure Buck means it. That he doesn't think he deserves to be happy.
"Why? Why would you think that?" She places her hand on his cold ones and tilts her head so she can see Buck's face clearly, but something twists her heart when she notices the tears glistening his brother's blues. It makes her want to cry. "Evan, talk to me."
"It's just—uh—" His voice trembles and his brows gather. He lets out a short, frustrated sigh.
And God, he looks so small like this, so hurt. This isn't Buck Maddie sees before her eyes, it's Evan.
"Hey, it's okay." Maddie squeezes his hand, keeping her voice impossibly kind. "You know you can tell me anything."
"I just…" Buck sniffles and a tear rolls down his face before he can stop it. "I'm happy ."
"Okay." Maddie's face softens and a warm smile twists up her lips, her eyes understanding. "This is good, right? That you're happy."
"But I shouldn't." For the first time that day, Buck's teary eyes find hers, and Maddie's heart shatters into millions of pieces. Buck's lips twist down as he protests. "I don't deserve it."
"Why?"
"You know why."
"I don't." She insists. "Tell me."
"Because it's me , Maddie. I don't deserve it, I don't deserve them." Each quiet word that leaves Buck's lips sounds so hurt, just like himself. "He loves me and I don't even know why. But he shouldn't." He shakes his head. "Not me."
Defeat drips all over Buck, visible from miles away, his voice isn't even loud or angry, it's quiet and tired.
Maddie hates it.
She swallows down the lump in her throat and blinks a few times to avoid the tears forming in her eyes, knowing she won't be able to stop if she lets go.
Maddie brings her hand to cup Buck's face and tries one more time, almost whispering. "Why?"
This time, she succeeds. In exchange for the crushing feeling in her chest.
Buck lets out a quiet, pained sound and his face screws in sadness, eyes red rimmed as tears silently fall down. "I'm worthless, Maddie. Everyone knows that."
"No, Evan." Maddie shakes her head in refusal, eyes stinging and voice breaking. "Don't say that. You're not worthless."
"That's not what I was taught. You know that." Buck whispers, sounding bitter and ruined and god, Maddie's blood boils with pure frustration. "I'm not worth anything."
Because, yes, of course she knows.
She was there, too.
She was taught the same, too.
Even though it isn't the truth.
Because who deserves happiness if not his brother, someone with a golden heart and a beautiful soul. If anything, the universe owes him one.
And if she has to be the one to make him believe that, so be it.
"Listen to me." Maddie lifts Buck's head up by the chin and tilts her head to meet him halfway. Buck looks at her with his big, shiny eyes, and Maddie continues. "You deserve every good thing in this world. Every one of them."
Tears fall down Buck's face, and his lips twist down. "Maddie—"
"No. You're gonna listen to me." She doesn't know how, but her voice comes out strong , determined. She cups his brother's face, her thumb slowly caressing his damp skin back and forth. "You deserve to love, you deserve to be loved , alright?" She lifts her hand to run her fingers through Buck's curls, and her face softens despite the ache in her heart. "You deserve to have a family who loves you, friends who love you. You deserve to be happy, Buck. You're a good person."
She can feel her face getting wet with tears as she speaks, the heaviness on her chest gets bigger and she feels too much all at once.
But it all crumbles when Buck's eyes widen like a lost kid and he whispers in a way that sticks with Maddie, like he's searching desperately for some hope. "You mean that?"
To that, Maddie only holds back her sob and nods her head with a sad smile. "Of course."
Buck keeps looking at her like that , and she can't take it any longer. She rests her back against the headrest, tugs at Buck's wrist and pulls him close to herself, folding her arms around Buck and holding him; Buck rests his head on Maddie's chest and presses his face into the crook of her neck, his long lashes tickling her skin. It's stupidly adorable and heartbreaking how Buck manages to appear this small despite his size but in Maddie's arms, he looks like a little kid who is too tired and scared to face the world.
So, Maddie lets him rest while she protects him.
She buries her nose into Buck's hair and breathes her little brother in, she keeps her one hand on his back and slowly rubs up and down while scratching the nape of his neck with the other. She can feel her skin getting wet as Buck silently cries, she can hear his quiet sniffles; she doesn't say anything, though, she only holds him close.
It's been some time since she'd hugged Buck like this, so she takes her time. She needs this as much as Buck does.
"I love you so much." Maddie whispers into his hair and plants a tiny kiss on top of his head.
Buck's breath hitches in his throat, he buries himself deeper into Maddie, hiding his face more. "I'm scared."
"Of what?" Maddie tightens her hold, whispering.
Buck shakes his head and the tip of his fingers dig Maddie's shoulders, voice trembling just like his weak form. "I don't know."
Maddie lets out a short sigh and rests her chin on top of Buck's head, enveloping him. "It's okay, I'm here."
She doesn't know how long she holds Buck like this, she doesn't give a shit; her arms stay wrapped around her brother until Buck's limbs slacken and the rise and fall of his chest gets even, his steady huffs of air tickle the side of her neck. Only then, the darkness choking her fades and the lump in her throat disappears and Maddie finally lets out a deep breath.
If it wasn't for Maddie texting him to let him know Buck is with her, Eddie would go crazy by now.
It's just that Buck isn't answering any of his calls or texts and Eddie is getting worried.
Or he was.
Well, he still is, mainly because he has no idea what resulted in Buck ditching his phone and ending up at Maddie's.
So that's why he is heading to Maddie's now that his shift has ended. To get his boyfriend and try to understand what's going on while he's at it.
The door opens after his first knock, and a pair of little arms wrap themselves around his leg before he can even get inside.
"Hey, Jee!" Eddie smiles and crouches down to pick her up, and a fuzzy feeling blooms in his chest when Jee folds her arms around his neck and hugs him.
"Ed-die!" Jee giggles, fisting Eddie's shirt.
"Hey." Maddie says, standing behind the door with a big smile on her face.
But something feels off, Eddie can tell.
It's the small things, but it's the way her smile doesn't reach her eyes like it usually does and her face looks tired.
Or maybe Eddie knows the Buckleys very well that his senses spark before he can pinpoint what the problem is.
Eddie's brows wrinkle as he looks at Maddie with a questioning face. "You okay?"
"Yeah, I'm fine." Maddie replies, nodding her head, and lets out a sigh before faking out a smile. "Just a long day."
Okay. Not that Eddie believes that. But okay.
Eddie's eyes wander around. "Where's Buck?"
"He's in the bedroom, sleeping."
Unless Buck came all this way to just sleep in his sister's and Chim's bed, it doesn't make much sense to Eddie.
He knits his brows with a slight frown and keeps his voice low. "You sure everything is alright?" There is a slight pinch of worry trying to find its way up, but Eddie swallows it down.
Maddie places her hand on Eddie's shoulder and tilts her head, looking at him with an expression that is bittersweet but kind, hopeful even. "I am." She looks at Jee and then back at him, and nods at the bedroom, her face suddenly more relaxed. "Why don't you go wake him up?"
Eddie twists his head to the kid in his arms and lightly pinches her cheek, his voice playful. "What do you say, Jee? Should we wake Uncle Buck up?"
Jee's eyes crinkle as she giggles, wiggling with excitement, which Eddie takes as a yes.
"Come on." Eddie taps the tip of her nose, and after sharing a smile with Maddie, he makes his way to the bedroom with Jee. He doesn't know what happened, but he knows whatever it is, he will find a way to make it better.
The second he steps inside, his eyes catch on a figure he can recognize from miles away, a sight he will never ever get tired of seeing for the rest of his days.
Slightly curled on his side, his boyfriend is lying on top of the mattress and sleeping soundly, his chest rising and falling with each steady breath leaving his parted lips. His curls are sticking out everywhere and making him look way younger. For a second Eddie stands there and watches Buck sleep, in awe of how beautiful he looks. The other man's brows are slightly wrinkled even when he should be resting, and every fiber in Eddie just wants to reach out and smoothen them so Buck can relax.
"Buck." Jee whispers into Eddie's ear and points at Buck.
"Yeah." Eddie whispers back, nodding his head. His heart is close to bursting because of how adorable Jee is, he can't help the amused smile forming on his lips. "He's sleeping."
He puts Jee on the mattress behind Buck and sits on the edge of the bed where Buck is facing, and brings his hand to cup his boyfriend's face, his thumb lightly brushing over Buck's brow.
A heavy feeling sits on Eddie's heart when Buck presses his cheek deeper into the pillow and visibly relaxes even if it's only a little, he leans forward and plants a gentle kiss on Buck's forehead, his hand moving up and his fingers sliding into Buck's hair, lightly scratching his scalp.
Jee puts her hands on Buck's arm, and pats a few times.
With that, Buck's eyelids slowly crack open and reveal his baby blues, the glassines draped over them slowly disappearing as Buck blinks once, twice, and stares at Eddie until he comes to himself; his eyes glisten and the reflection on his face transforms into that soft, vulnerable look Eddie adores when Buck realizes it's Eddie.
"Hey." Eddie whispers, and leans in for another kiss on the forehead.
There is a sheepish smile on Buck's lips. "Hi." He rolls onto his back when Jee puts her tiny hand on his face and smiles even more, resting his hand on her back and twisting his head to look at Jee, who is already looking at him. "Hi, baby."
"Hi." Jee lays her head on Buck's chest.
Warmth spreads through Eddie's insides as he watches Buck and Jee, he finds himself thinking of his future, a future with Buck and Chris and a little girl— their daughter , and even a cat and a dog.
It doesn't feel far away.
It's only one step away from his reach.
"When did you get here?" Buck mumbles, hand reaching for Eddie.
Eddie locks his fingers with Buck's and puts them on his lap, stroking the soft skin. "Just now. Maddie told me you're here." He arches his brows and looks at the other man teasingly. "I think someone left his phone at home."
Buck's cheeks flush as he ducks his head like a kid who got caught, and a shy chuckle escapes his lips. "Sorry."
"Nah, it's okay." Eddie says. "But don't do it again?"
Buck nods, giving a light squeeze to Eddie's hand. "Okay."
They still need to pick Chris up from his friend's house before it gets too late, so Eddie checks his watch to make sure it's time to leave.
"We should pick Chris up on our way home."
Buck's eyes shine when Eddie says home — Eddie may or may not have done it on purpose; Eddie leans forward to brush his lips against Buck's, soft and gentle, and when he pulls away, he sees on Buck's face that his boyfriend actually needed to hear that.
Buck gives him a nod, bright blue eyes fixed on Eddie, and holds Eddie's hand tighter. "Okay."
"Come on." Eddie says, smiling. "Let's go home."