Chapter Text
The thing about Wylan was that he could adapt. He was a quick and clever thing, overly cautious and desperate to make amends for what he would undoubtedly do wrong. Wylan’s brain had been rewired to look out for the smallest shifts in mood at a very young age. One wrong word and he’d never hear the end of it, never get out of the interaction unscathed.
In high school he’d adapted to making a friend and that friend turning into something more, into a lover. Wylan was not just surviving for himself but for somebody else. He’d learned to let somebody in and that somebody had promised to protect him. Even if it just wasn’t possible, given that they were up against somebody that had ownership of Wylan, as a father, as a provider.
Wylan, having adapted to life in university away from having to brace himself every time he breached a doorway. He’d gone from suffocating the second the school bell rang at the end of the day to looking in the mirror and being pleased with what he saw.
There were moments of doubt, that when he looked himself in the eyes he was lying to himself and everyone around him. Wylan Hendriks didn’t actually exist, just showed up one day when Wylan left home and took his mother’s name back. A part of him was relieved she wasn’t alive because he thought she couldn’t take her husband’s rage, but Wylan could, and did. For many, many agonizing years, he was hated for being alive when she wasn’t.
Sometimes Wylan thought that if he could choose, he’d be the one that died, and his mother the one who lived. His dad’s resentment for both of them came from Wylan anyways, so without him he’s sure they’d be fine, more than fine but actually happy.
Wylan’s university campus contained so many people that nobody cared what he was doing, and through that he achieved comfort. Nobody cared that he struggled in subjects heavy on reading and writing, nobody cared that he needed accommodations, nobody cared that Wylan had grown into himself and wore what he wanted.
It was this comfort that had ultimately been his downfall. Wylan had adapted in a way that involved him taking his walls down, stripping his protection away and leaving him vulnerable. He was happier, sure, lighter, even, but it didn’t matter.
Not when Wylan was so sure he saw the exact make and model of his father’s car parked outside of the school’s main lobby. Where the student help desk was and the registrar office was located.
Wylan had been working himself through his anxiety lately, he’d gotten smarter about it, gotten comfortable with it. His father was across the country, his father would be happy that Wylan was gone, his father wouldn't waste time and money to come see him. Wylan couldn’t think of a single reason for his father to be at his university, not one that didn’t mean he was cared for, and that just wasn’t true.
His hands found his phone which texted his boyfriend, speaking into it to tell him he’d just finished class and was heading back to the dorm to get some rest before they saw each other later. Talking to Jesper would make him feel better about it, because they were each other’s voices of reasons even if on their own they were not the most reasonable.
Focusing hard on steadying his breathing, Wylan thought of more pleasant things, of more pressing things. Revision week was right around the corner and he’d use it to start on his final project. Wylan cycled through equations in the back of his head, the certainty and fact behind them made him feel better like magic.
He dug around the front pocket of his backpack for the key to his room, he’d have to ask Matthias about his plans for the break. Maybe they could hang out finally, do coffee or lunch, and Wylan could come back after break with another friend.
At least Nina was making progress, slow and steady progress, but she had been talking to Matthias. She was very aware she came off strong and intimidating in person, so had been messaging Matthias on every social media platform he had been brave enough to give her.
Wylan hadn’t even remembered anything was wrong, chest fuzzy with thoughts of his boyfriend and best friend. He slotted his key into the locked door for it to creak open, because it hadn’t been locked in the first place, and hadn't been closed all the way.
This was odd for many reasons but the main reason being Wylan always checked twice it was locked and he was so sure he locked it. The second reason was Matthias shouldn’t be home for another hour at least, he had one more class. It wasn’t like Matthias to leave a door unlocked and open, especially when he shared that room with one Wylan Hendriks, full to the brim with anxiety.
He was more confused than anything when he stepped through the doorway and flipped the lights on. His eyes were trained forward at the overflowing cardboard box on the floor. It wasn’t packed with any sort of care, just a pile of stuff that had already begun to slide off of each other onto the floor.
Wylan’s confusion combusted into alarm, into dread when he recognized the contents of the box. These were things from his bedroom at home, thousands of miles across the country. He couldn’t help it, he looked up though his body had stopped dead in its tracks in the door.
His stomach tightened uncomfortably, Jan Van Eck was in his dorm room, at Wylan’s desk, eyeing his watch because he’d been waiting for his son to return from class. Wylan hadn’t seen him in months, hadn’t thought of him for months, hadn’t been texted by his father for months, hadn't been called by his father for months and now he was twenty feet away.
“Wylan.” Jan said it like he was learning his name for the first time, like Wylan was walking in for an interview and this wasn’t someone he’d known for nineteen years. “I saw the courses you picked, very ambitious.”
Wylan’s big blue eyes made a weak attempt at being anything other than watery and deflated. Of course his father had access to Wylan’s school records, he was the one who got billed for his university courses, he was the one who allowed Wylan to cross the country and study somewhere out of sight.
Ambitious. As if Wylan’s interest in Chemistry and Planetary Science had come out of fucking nowhere and he hadn’t been fixated on it since he was a child. As if science wasn’t the only thing in middle school and high school that had instantly clicked for him.
“How’d you get here?” Wylan thought about the car, the stupid car, his father did not drive thousands of miles to see him. That was too much effort, too much money, too much time.
“Alys and I drove.” Jan stood up from Wylan’s desk and stretched out his legs, sore from either the drive or the waiting around. “I have some news.” His cold, disapproving eyes settled on the jewellery pierced into his son’s ears and Wylan reflexively yanked pieces of hair over his earrings to hide what had already been seen.
Alys. Who had graduated university the same time that Wylan had entered. The discomfort continued to bloom and fester in the pit of his stomach. What did she have to do with any of this?
“Is she okay?” Wylan breathed out, because what else could warrant his father driving this far out for him? Something must have happened to her. That didn’t quite explain the scraps of his childhood bedroom being tucked into a box and driven here though.
“She’s wonderful, and she’s my wife.” Jan showed Wylan his wedding ring like Wylan would have the guts to look at that man’s hands. Wife. Wylan had gone to school for half a semester and his father had gotten married, he didn’t even know they were engaged. He tried not to think about it, about a girl a handful of years older than him being involved with his father.
“You’re here for your honeymoon.” Wylan guessed, because contrary to Jan’s belief he wasn’t completely useless. Jan had come here for Alys, because she wanted to drive across the country with her new husband. Not because Jan wanted to visit his son at university, not because he had missed him.
“Precisely. This school is good for you.” Jan seemed pleased that Wylan had gotten something right for once, and Wylan swallowed the lump in his throat hard. “While we’re here I figured I’d drop off your things, since we won’t be needing them anymore. After all, you moved out and we sold the house.”
Wylan was not fucking aware going to school out of state was moving out forever, but now it had to be. His father had stuffed all his belongings in one cardboard box and sold his childhood home. Wylan was thousands of miles away from his house and he’d never ever go back to it.
“You sold the house?” Wylan echoed, everything felt tight, his chest, his stomach, his head. Everything was closing in on him and he was going to burst at the seams if he wasn’t careful. “Where do you and Alys live? You moved in with her?”
“I don’t really think it’s your business where I live.” Jan said, rubbing at his wrist softly, sniffing to fill the silence as Wylan’s mouth fell open in disbelief. “You’re not a Van Eck, you’re a Hendriks. Touching homage to your mother really, but I don’t need another one holding me back.”
Maybe it had been Wylan’s fault for changing his name so quickly, maybe it had been his fault for being so optimistic about having freedom and a new life. Maybe if Wylan had been patient and waited longer his house wouldn’t have been sold while he was away for university.
The thought that his mother had held back his father in any way made his blood boil, made him want to claw at his father like a starving animal. But he was just Wylan, stuck in place like he’d been glued to the floor, Wylan.
“Here are my terms, Wylan.” Jan continued, because he hadn’t come here to talk, he’d come here to share his news and go back to his honeymoon. “There’s a large sum of money in your account, you could call it an inheritance or you could call it assurance that you keep out of my business. Keep out of my life.”
Wylan was being paid to stay away from his father. Wylan was being paid to leave his father alone. He blinked his eyes because he was getting dizzy, maybe he hadn’t eaten enough for lunch, maybe he didn’t eat at all, he couldn’t remember.
“I’m moving on and so should you. You should have enough money to finish school and then some.” Jan had clearly thought about this a lot, thought of all the things Wylan could need money for and just funnelled it into his bank account once and for all. “And because I’m not heartless, I’ll send money for Christmas and your birthday.”
Wylan wondered if his birth certificate was in that cardboard box, if any evidence that he had been born and existed was anywhere to be found. He wanted to drop to his knees and sort through the pile, find any semblance of himself.
“Alys may reach out, she’d want her baby to have a relationship with their brother.” Jan crossed the room because this was all he had left to say, this was his news, the news he hadn’t even planned to deliver if his wife didn’t want to visit the state.
“A baby? She’s pregnant?” Wylan looked up at his father, panicked because Jan Van Eck wasn’t going to get a new family, he already had one. “That’s it? That’s it?” He couldn’t find any words, it was a miracle his voice was audible, though strained and breathy.
“She’s due in June.” Jan blinked at his son, ultimately uninterested as he checked his watch again and confirmed he stayed longer in Wylan’s presence than he had wanted to. “That’s it, Wylan, that’s all I have to say.”
“What about what I have to say?” Wylan surprised himself, the way his words were catapulted out of his throat in a very guttural bark.
“Wylan. What could you possibly say to me that’s worth my time?” Jan made to move around Wylan in the doorway to leave and Wylan, scared Wylan, blocked him.
“How could you do this to me?” Wylan’s eyebrows furrowed, shaking his head because nothing made sense to him, nothing felt real. This had to be a sick joke, some sort of twisted prank his father was playing because it just couldn’t be real.
“Me? How could you be so stupid all the time?” Jan pulled a face because he was twice Wylan’s size and they both knew he was not above laying a hand on him. “Even now you’re being stupid. Do you need me to speak slower so you can understand? This is it, Wylan, this is all you’re getting from me.”
“You know I’m not stupid.” Wylan, suddenly ferocious, now that he knew his father had seen the emails from school, saw the grade notifications. “If you know I changed my last name you know how well I do in class. You know I have a 4.0. You know.”
“And if I don’t fucking care, Wylan?” Jan’s patience was growing thin, his hand grabbed his son’s upper arm and hard, squeezing until Wylan gasped like he was going to tear it off. “You were stupid when you were a boy and you’re stupid now because you don’t get it. Don’t get that I don’t want you.” He threw Wylan back into his dorm room so he could get past him.
Wylan stumbled further than he’d like to admit, and he would have been able to steady himself if the box of his childhood keepsakes wasn’t on the floor. His foot caught and he tumbled over it with a loud crash, if his arm wasn’t bruised from his father’s rough handling it was from the floor.
“What the hell’s going on?” Matthias, who had come home early from a cancelled lecture, sized up Jan Van Eck immediately. He was taller, looking down at Wylan’s father and scowling.
“Is this your boyfriend?” Jan looked at Matthias slowly, humming in thought before giving Wylan one last look over his shoulder. “I’m just leaving, if you’ll excuse me.” He pushed past Matthias and he only let him because Wylan was leaning himself up against the foot of Matthias’ bed shakily.
“Actually, Jesper Fahey’s my boyfriend.” Wylan gritted out, hand clasped tightly around his sore arm, the wind had completely been knocked out of him. But Wylan Hendriks would have the last word. Even if it fucking killed him.
“Fahey?” Jan, surprisingly, stepped into the hallway and then turned back to face the two roommates. “Colm’s kid?” It felt wrong for a shitty father to even say his name. “Well, if that’s everything, goodbye.” He gave Matthias a small nod, shut the door, and was gone.
He was really gone. He was gone and he left Wylan behind, crumpled up on the floor after he threw him there. Wylan had barely processed that Matthias had gotten on his knees in front of him and got his hands on his throbbing arm.
“Hey, hey, Wylan? Are you okay?” Matthias was more than unnerved that Wylan didn’t seem to be reacting to sound or sight at the moment, just sitting there motionless and making small huffy noises. “Does it hurt badly? I’m just going to check, okay?”
“Mmmm, okay, Matthias.” Wylan blinked a dozen times before he realized yes, Matthias was here. His shaking hands grabbed at his roommate’s sleeve at the same time Matthias reached to pull his up. “I can’t tell what hurts and what doesn’t.”
It hurt. Everything hurt. Wylan couldn’t figure out what didn’t hurt because it didn’t exist. There was not a bone in Wylan’s body that didn’t go unbroken from the interaction. There was not a nerve in Wylan’s system that didn’t go undamaged from being disowned and abandoned and left behind.
Matthias got Wylan’s sleeve up to his shoulder and he sucked his breath in through his teeth. It was going to bruise for sure, he had been grabbed so hard and then hit the ground harder. Matthias didn’t want to scare Wylan, so he’d tell him later, maybe say something when Wylan wasn’t on the ground quaking.
“Wylan?” Matthias put his sleeve back down and got his hands on either side of Wylan’s face, he was flushed and his eyes were flickering too much. “It’s Matty, can you hear me?” He was severely out of his depth, he had no idea what to do, but he wanted to help in any way he could.
Wylan couldn’t hear him, couldn’t hear anything, because his ears were ringing. He shut his mouth as quickly as he opened it, because his throat was burning uncomfortably, and he gasped loud. Matthias’ hands stroked through what must have been a sudden wave of fat, unavoidable tears.
An anxiety attack might have been easier than what was happening, because Wylan had those all the time. He could ground himself and focus on breathing. But he could not focus on breathing if he was going to throw up. He would rather stop breathing than throw up.
Wylan could not throw up, he did not want to, he had gone years avoiding everything that could possibly get him sick. His father had waltzed back into his life and promptly left and it had made Wylan want to vomit. He didn’t have a home, he didn’t have a father, he didn’t have anywhere to go, he didn’t have anything.
Matthias flinched when Wylan began screaming, the words were absolutely unintelligible but they didn’t need to be understood, just heard. Matthias’ arm wrapped tight around Wylan’s head as Wylan leaned into him, bawling like a little kid and screaming into Matthias’ chest. He couldn’t breathe, he was going to throw up, Wylan’s panic completely immobilized him.
Wylan was a little kid, that’s where he went in his head. Right now he wasn’t being cradled in his roommate’s arm while sobbing in shrill broken cries, he was seven years old and his mother had just died and his father had just hit him for the first time. Wylan was seven years old and Jan Van Eck punished him for not knowing how to read, not knowing how to leave his father alone, not knowing how to be seen and not heard.
The Wylan that had been raised to be seen and not heard yowled into Matthias’ chest, an animal being torn apart. He didn’t know exactly when it all went black, but the last thing he remembered hearing was Matthias talking, maybe on the phone, equally as desperate, equally as terrified.
But it went black. Unavoidably, it all went black.
…
Jesper hadn’t been to a hospital since his mother passed away, and he really, really made it a habit to avoid them. But there was no avoiding the hospital when his boyfriend was in one, no doubt attached to an IV completely unconscious with no idea where he was.
There was nothing to do but pace, so pace he did. Jesper walked around the waiting room quickly, passing in front of Matthias and Nina with her hands clasped around his arm tightly. Then he passed Inej, eyes following Jesper as she thumbed over her mother’s prayer beads tucked neat between her fingers. Then he passed Kaz, rows away from them, eyebrows scrunched as he stared down the hallway waiting for the doors to open when they had any news.
Jesper had been pacing for what must have been thirty minutes, as soon as he’d done all the paperwork they needed they just hadn't heard anything since. It made him antsy, beyond antsy, it drove him fucking crazy.
He wanted to see Wylan right now, of course that wasn’t possible, not when he was being treated and diagnosed and analyzed. Jesper needed to be there, wanted to be there more than anything.
He couldn’t believe he wasn’t there. He couldn’t believe he’d answered the phone so casually to hear Matthias begging for help and Wylan screaming in pain. He couldn’t believe he might not have made it there in time to make it to the hospital with them.
“Jes.” Inej had noticed the pacing had turned to stomping, turned into Jesper punishing himself by making it hurt, by pushing his already sore muscles to go faster. He came to a stop in front of her and she patted the seat beside her, he couldn’t say no to her, didn’t want to.
“Thanks for coming.” Jesper sank down beside her and Inej shook her head. Of course she would come, he’d already thanked them all dozens of times, but they would have all come.
“I think you’re making everyone nervous,” Inej murmured softly, resting the beads on her lap and pulling a hair tie off of her wrist. “It’s no Kinetic Sand but I figure you’d want something to do with your hands.” She gave Jesper the tie and he smiled softly, appropriately touched by the gesture.
Jesper slid the hair tie down his wrist, and then slid his fingers through Inej’s long, dark hair. He’d braided her hair a few times before, sometimes before a night out she and Nina wanted to have matching hairstyles and neither of them could see a picture and recreate it. Jesper could, somehow, he could, it may have to do with his mother doing her own hair, doing his cousins hair too.
The fact that Inej cared for Jesper so deeply that she offered her own hair up as a means to focus his energy, it made him feel a whole lot better. It made Jesper feel good that she was praying for Wylan too, he wasn’t particularly religious but he knew Inej was, though for her it was private and personal. A healing journey between her and her deities.
“Could you tell me it’s going to be okay?” Jesper said under his breath as he sectioned Inej’s hair into three large chunks and slowly began to braid it into a simple, yet elegant side braid around her head. “If anybody is going to say it, I think I’d believe you.”
“It is going to be okay, though, Jes.” Inej’s hand left her prayer beads to touch her friend’s knee softly, squeezing around it because she had noticed without looking at him that it had began to shake. “I’m not just saying that either. They’re looking after him and soon he’ll be coming back home with us, they’re just making sure he’s strong enough.”
“Because it’s totally irrational to think a visit to the hospital is a death sentence, right?” Jesper laughed uneasily as he weaved Inej’s hair together and cleared his throat quietly. “We thought my mom was going to come home.”
“Oh, Jes.” Inej breathed in as she felt his nervous hands secure the hair tie around the ends of her hair. She turned in her seat so she was facing him, her hands grasped his, her beads warm between both of their palms. “You don’t know how sorry I am about your mother. Wylan will come home, he’ll wake up and everything will be okay. You know how much he wants to be with you, with us, he’ll wake up.”
“Yeah, yeah, I’m too young to be widowed.” Jesper gave a small smile, a tiny laugh leaving his lips but he wasn’t convincing either of them. His eyes rimmed with unrelenting tear drops as Inej squeezed the beads tighter in their hands. “I don’t know how it works but can you add an extra prayer from me? Is that totally sacrilege and rude? Ignore me if so.” He brought Inej’s hands to his mouth and kissed them once, twice, and she smiled warmly at him.
“It’s not rude. As long as we have complete faith, a sound body and a calm mind.” Inej whispered, she bowed her head and Jesper sighed softly, shaky and tiny.
“I’m not sure about the calm mind thing.” Jesper confessed and Inej shook her head, guiding their fingers to touch the same bead.
“Mine is calm enough for the two of us.” Inej reassured him and when Jesper touched his forehead to meet Inej’s, he closed his eyes and his tears fell onto his hands, down his wrists. It had to count for something, that the deities saw he was desperate and seeking help.
…
Nina’s head was neatly tucked into Matthias’ neck, her hand stroking up his arm as he sat completely still in his chair. While his body was present, his mind was not, it was flashing each moment of Wylan’s struggle every time he closed his eyes.
He’d never seen anything like it, and he was there for what was almost the entire thing. Matthias didn’t see what led up to it, but he was there for the aftermath. Wylan looked like he was in so much pain that he was going to break something, like he was going to rupture his vocal cords or pop a blood vessel.
Matthias was so lucky his class had been cancelled, he wouldn’t have even thought to go home early if this wasn’t the case. If he’d come home to find Wylan passed out on the floor, covered in bruises and his own vomit. Matthias stared down at himself, he didn’t mind that he’d been puked on, because it was nothing compared to watching the light in his roommate’s eyes fade almost instantaneously.
It was a lot for Wylan, it had all been a lot for Wylan, and Matthias hadn’t been there for him. He’d been tiptoeing around him, scared to offend, scared to cross his boundaries, scared to secretly be a raging bigot like his parents. Matthias was scared he believed everything he’d be taught, even now that he knew it was untrue.
“Do you want to get some air?” Nina had been watching him carefully, watching the way Matthias, already pale, had gone sickly pale. He’d been in the thick of it for hours now, the one who held Wylan through the screaming and the shakes and the violence of it all.
“I don’t want to miss anything.” Matthias admitted, because some air would have been nice, but he couldn’t leave the stuffy waiting room in case he missed news or the opportunity to help. Matthias just wanted to help.
“Okay. Do you want some vending machine coffee?” Nina touched her hand to Matthias’ forehead to make sure he wasn’t actually working him up so much he was getting sick. Her hand was warm to the touch and he tilted his head to get a good look at her, even more beautiful when she was caring for others.
“Maybe later.” Matthias just didn’t want her to stop touching him, didn’t want their connection to be broken. He thought maybe they couldn’t ever have achieved anything like this ever again. Two desperate people holding each other waiting for what might be the worst news of their lives.
“And we can split a rice crispy square.” Nina offered, because she didn’t have much of an appetite, but knew something sweet always comforted her. “You’ve done so much already, Matty, you know you have.”
“I feel like I could have done more.” Matthias’ eyebrows furrowed, because he’d been thrown up on and he’d been there and he’d called for help and he drove them to the hospital, but he wanted to do more. He wanted to have miraculously healed Wylan, he wanted to have made sure Jesper didn’t have to relive his hospital traumas, wanted to have made sure all his friends weren’t in a waiting room praying in their own ways.
“You were brilliant, Matthias.” Nina wouldn’t have known what she would do, she’d have made a mess of things in her panic. What do you do when your best friend is curled up on the floor losing bodily control like that? She’d cried the whole way to the hospital with Inej, and only stopped when it all became very real seeing Jesper and Matthias in the waiting room alone.
“I just wish I could do more.” Matthias didn’t know how else to phrase it, how else to verbally say he wanted to be a better friend, a better son, a better human person. “I wish I could be more.”
The truth of it all was that he’d been doing his parents bidding and grew up to find he didn’t have a passion for anything. That he’d been going to school and using this time to explore subjects and friendship and faith, and he felt behind. That everyone around him had their passions and loyalties and he was just there.
“Matty, you did so much already.” Nina said under her breath, intertwining their fingers and holding his hand tight against his lap. “You don’t have to do more, or be more. You just have to be here, and you are here, you were there.” She smiled when he turned to look at her, for the first time in months they had made eye contact and held it. There was no ulterior motive, there was no complication of faith, there was just Matthias looking at Nina for strength and she gave it to him.
“You’ve been so nice to me.” Matthias breathed out, because he had many, many memories of avoiding her. Nina’s advances had been too much for him, Matthias’ mother’s voice echoed in his head that she was a witch, that she was impure in the eyes of God. But in the eyes of Matthias, she was beautiful and good and smart and somebody he wanted to see more of. “You know, my mother hates the nickname Matty.”
“But do you?” Nina hummed, leaning her head back on Matthias’ shoulder and letting her eyes flutter shut. For all that she knew about the boy, maybe it was better he was going by a name she hated rather than his Christian name. Maybe, this was how Matthias could begin to be his own person.
“I mean, I like it.” Matthias went to shrug his shoulders but thought of Nina leaning into him, comfortable. He fought against all his instincts to tense up or pull away, and instead rested his head on top of hers. “Jesper’s good at the nickname thing.”
“He is and I hate him for it.” Nina laughed tiredly, fully intent on using Matthias as a human pillow as time went by in the hospital waiting room. “Between Wy, Neens, Nej and Matty, all we’re missing is one for Kaz. Annoyingly his name already sounds like it’s shortened.”
“And what would it be short for?” Matthias kept his voice low, because he knew better than to poke the bear that was Kaz Brekker, who looked begrudging to have joined the group at the hospital.
“Kaztopher. Kazjamin.” Nina murmured, smiling brightly when Matthias’ shoulders shook for a brief moment, she’d made him laugh but he didn’t want to jostle her too much. She didn’t make too much fun of him for it, because this was the closest he had ever let her get to him. Now that Nina knew how good it felt to hold his hand and rest on his shoulder, she didn’t know how she’d go back to not doing this.
…
It had been them waiting for hours, almost all day and night. Trying to fight sleep and failing and settling for small cat naps. Phones had lost battery and stomachs were empty but nobody was confident they could get anything down.
Jesper had returned from the bathroom to find Nina had stolen his seat, but he couldn’t be mad at Nina asking if Inej wanted anything to eat or drink. He offered them a small smile, checking on Matthias who was sleeping with his arms crossed and top half hunched over.
Unable to stop himself, Jesper wandered over to Kaz who hadn’t said a word since they got here, and leaned against the wall a few feet from his chair. He’d purposefully picked a seat that could be isolated from the rest of them, insistent on not being lumped together with them.
“How are you holding up?” Jesper asked simply because he didn’t know. Didn’t know if Kaz was indifferent to hospitals or scared as hell like him, didn’t know if Kaz was having a hard time thinking about Wylan in a hospital bed or was just waiting for an opportunity to leave.
“I’m fine, I expect you’re not, and Wylan’s even worse.” Kaz mumbled, crankier than usual, because he hadn’t slept, and was stuck in a waiting room with people he didn’t like very much. Jesper’s jaw set, because usually he could spin everything into a joke, but he wasn’t in the mood for it right now, of course he wasn’t.
“Ok. I was just trying to be nice.” Jesper began to wonder what all his friends had been thinking for months, he was wondering why he even cared about Kaz Brekker when he was always treating him just like this. If only his boyfriend being hospitalized softened Kaz up and made him take it easy on Jesper, but he didn’t discriminate, everybody would be treated just as badly by him no matter the situation.
“A lot of people are trying to be nice in this room.” Kaz’s dark eyes narrowed as he glanced towards Matthias, where he had to sit through hours of Nina and Matthias whispering and cuddling. “Very nice to settle down with her crush the minute her best friend almost dies.”
“Kaz.” Jesper warned, sending a glance over to Nina to ensure she hadn’t just heard him. He could deal with Kaz being rude as long as it stayed between them, he could not deal with Nina and Kaz going for each other’s necks, especially not in this state.
“And it’s nice to see you converting into a man of faith.” Kaz said this differently, like he wasn’t mad at Jesper for praying but was mad at him for how he was praying, or who he was praying with. Kaz evaded Jesper’s gaze coolly but Jesper knew how to read the people around him, knew that Kaz was more upset that Jesper had shown off how close he was to Inej in front of somebody who wanted it more than he did.
“You’re being an asshole.” Jesper snapped, getting the attention of both Nina and Inej who turned their heads to see what was supposed to be a check-in quickly shift into an altercation.
“I am an asshole, always have been.” Kaz clarified, nothing if not self-aware. He certainly wasn’t going to change for these people, he may be in a hospital waiting room with them but he wasn’t here for them, he wasn’t even there for Wylan, he was there for himself. There to make sure he never left someone alone without knowing 100% they were going to be okay, because his brother hadn’t been, and he wasn’t even there when it happened.
“Well I’ve been spending months trying to convince all these people you’re not an asshole.” Jesper gestured back at all his friends, now Matthias had woken up, rubbing a hand over his face to wake himself up faster.
“I didn’t ask you to.” Kaz shrugged his shoulders because he did not care what anybody had to say about him. What could they possibly say about Kaz Brekker that he didn’t know? He’d lived with the truth that he was an asshole for years, there was no stopping him now.
“That’s the thing about being my best friend,” Jesper grumbled unhappily, he didn’t mean for his voice to be getting so loud but he couldn’t stop himself. He’d been meaning to blow up at Kaz for weeks, but usually swallowed it down. “You don’t have to ask me to defend you. Did you have to choose the part where my boyfriend almost dies to be especially shitty?”
“I’m your best friend?” Kaz raised his eyebrows, scoffing at Jesper Fahey trying to intimidate him. Kaz was the one who employed Jesper on occasion to take advantage of how tall and fond of piercings and the colour black he was, he knew he was all bark. “You can do so much better.”
“But I didn’t.” Jesper turned to face him, eyes flickering up to Matthias who stood up out of his chair in the event that Jesper needed backup. Kaz saw the interaction, and smirked, because there was a better candidate for Jesper’s best friend right here in the room. “Why are you so afraid of letting people love you?”
“You are deranged,” Kaz laughed, but it wasn’t funny and he didn’t think so either. It was disbelief that Jesper could throw that word around, could even think about loving Kaz Brekker when he was in the same room as Matthias Helvar, Nina Zenik and Inej Ghafa. They were so much more deserving of love than him. “He’s not dead, he just has PTSD.”
“We don’t know if he has PTSD.” Jesper barked at him and Kaz rolled his eyes, saw right through the act of him being angry and saw he was scared.
“I do know.” Kaz watched Matthias cross the room, intent on being there for Jesper, and part of him was almost, almost threatened. Not that he could believe Matthias could lay a hand on him, but he very much believed he was a better best friend than he could ever be.
“I think you should leave.” Jesper said simply, and Kaz, narrowing his eyes at Matthias, turned back to look at his roommate, and supposed best friend. “No, you should leave, you will leave.” Kaz was almost proud, that he was sure of what he wanted for once in his life and wasn’t scared to hurt someone’s feelings for once.
Thankfully, Kaz Brekker didn’t have feelings to hurt. So he left the hospital waiting room without a sound, without fighting it. Jesper sat down right there on the floor, and Matthias joined him, slinging an arm around his shoulder. Matthias was better for him, better to him. Kaz had always been fine on his own, he had to be.
…
Jesper had been trying to calm himself down a little when the nurse had spoken to him, letting him know Wylan was showing signs of becoming conscious again and was more than stable enough for visitors. The nervousness and grief he was feeling was momentarily alleviated because the nurse had referred to him as Wylan’s partner, because that’s how Jesper filled out the paperwork, but to be taken seriously was something else. Something real.
Matthias, Nina and Inej hung back for a few minutes, knowing that Jesper might need a few moments to himself before they all crowded around Wylan. Jesper looked over his shoulder at his friends a few times, because he didn’t know what he’d do if he couldn’t face Wylan in a hospital bed by himself. But they were close by, just a few feet away, within earshot and eyeshot.
The steps he took to get through the doorway were some of the hardest he’d ever taken. It didn’t matter that his friends could hear him, because he couldn’t hear them. It was like he’d stepped into an underground tunnel. Jesper nibbled at his bottom lip as he stared his boyfriend hooked up to an IV wearing a hospital gown, at least he looked peaceful, like he was getting some much needed rest.
It wasn’t anything like when he visited his mother during her last few days, in fact it was so vastly different that Jesper felt stupid for being scared. That of course Wylan didn’t look like he was going to die anytime soon, because he wasn’t, because that’s not why they brought him to the hospital. Jesper exhaled shakily, he pulled up a chair as close as he could get it to Wylan’s bed and plopped down right in front of him.
“Hey, baby…” Jesper murmured, ignoring the way his voice shook and cracked halfway through. His hand came up to delicately comb through Wylan’s hair, he managed a smile when he saw Wylan’s eyes gently twitch under his eyelids, like maybe he could hear and feel him. “Of course you’d still look pretty after fifteen hours in the hospital.”
Wylan didn’t say anything, but Jesper was watching him so closely he could see the twitch of his finger. He quickly grabbed onto it, squeezing tight and hoping he could recognize him by touch alone. Jesper scooted closer so he could hold Wylan’s hand up to his cheek.
“They said you’d be okay, if you were anxious about it.” Jesper was probably just repeating what nurses and the doctor had already said around him, but he didn’t think anyone told Wylan directly. “They ran a bunch of tests, which is scary, but whatever happens, I know we’ll be okay.”
“Can we come in now, or are you still hogging Wylan?” Nina whispered from the doorway, physically being held back by Matthias’ arms around her waist, judging by the way her feet were off the ground he had to restrain her from running into the room.
“You can come in now.” Jesper rolled his eyes, turning his face so he could press a kiss to the palm of Wylan’s hand. “I love you baby, so much.”
“Get offa me, I’m having Wy-bear withdrawals!” Nina bounded into the room the moment she was put down, she launched herself forward onto the bed, pushing Jesper’s chair away with her shoe and he had to brace himself as he went straight into the cupboard. “I’m here too, by the way, don’t give Jes all the credit.”
“He looks so peaceful.” Inej wandered over to Nina’s side and tucked her roommate’s hair over her shoulders so Wylan didn’t get a face full of her hair. Nina hooked an arm around Inej’s waist and pulled her close, sighing softly.
“His stupid lashes, look at them.” Nina mumbled and Inej laughed in disbelief, only Nina would be angry about her best friend looking his best in a hospital bed. Their hands softly touched Wylan’s hand and they grabbed two of his fingers. “Wake up because I miss gossiping with you, bitch.” She moved to touch his nail, and Inej gently bumped Nina on the shoulder for taking this time to admire her own artwork on his nails.
“I’ve been praying for him too.” Matthias appeared beside Inej at the same time that Nina leapt away from the bed to fight Jesper off of his chair, because she thought she deserved the chair more than him. “Does it…feel like anything to you?”
Inej looked up at Matthias, the prayer beads were tucked into her pocket neatly, they felt warm. Matthias respected Inej’s dedication to her faith more than anything, because it was such a personal journey to her, and Matthias was struggling to find a way to make faith about him. Maybe this wasn’t the right place or time, but he couldn’t think of another time he’d be in a room with Inej, this was his only chance.
“It does, it always has, since I was a young girl.” Inej admitted, because she had a feeling it wasn’t the same for Matthias, that it had never felt like anything to him even as a young boy. That it was just him being obedient and following along and doing what he was supposed to do. “I know he will be okay, because they heard my prayers, because I meant every word, and I looked to them for help with all the faith I have.”
“Thank you, sorry, I had to ask.” Matthias lamely said as he swallowed the lump in his throat and Nina, having won the chair, wheeled over to scoop Inej onto her lap so they could share the chair.
“Look at you two, quick friends.” Nina was not jealous, but overjoyed. She thought both Matthias and Inej needed more friends, they were both the reserved and quiet type, prone to minding their own business to a fault. “Should we call the nurses for more chairs?”
“No we will not.” Jesper felt bad enough that the nurses he’d seen when they first got here yesterday were the same nurses that were still here. He returned to Wylan’s side and stroked his hand over his neck and uninjured shoulder. “He…had a dislocated shoulder.”
“From his dad?” Matthias murmured as Nina scooted away from the bed with Inej on her lap, the lithe girl weighing almost nothing and not impeding the speed of the wheelie chair by even a second. Jesper and Matthias were trying to keep the stuff about his father a secret, because they wanted Wylan’s permission before saying anything. In fact, they knew barely anything, Matthias had only caught the end of the conversation.
“Yeah.” Jesper swallowed the lump in his throat and stroked his fingers over Wylan’s cheek before looking back over at Matthias. “Thank you for everything, man, I don’t know what I’d do if you weren’t there.”
“Of course, I wish I was there sooner.” Matthias was comforted knowing Jesper had the same thought process as him, that both of them wanted to be there, both of them wanted to stop this from happening. “We should probably get something to eat, we won’t be any use starving and exhausted.”
“I know, but I can’t imagine leaving him.” Jesper frowned and Matthias softly patted him on the shoulder.
“We’ll go get some food, I’ll call you when we decide on a place.” Matthias gave a comforting smile when Jesper turned around to hug him properly, their arms wrapping tight around each other. “We’ll be okay, he’ll be okay.”
“Just kiss already!” Nina called with both hands cupped around her mouth so she was sure they’d hear her. Matthias pulled away first and Jesper rolled his eyes, offering Matthias a mirrored pat on the back as he lightly pushed him toward the door. “Also, I heard food, let’s go my darling.” She extended her hand to Inej, who was sitting on the chair alone, even though she’d been using it to stretch. Inej took her hand and let herself be pulled to her feet.
“You’ll be okay alone?” Inej asked softly, and Nina hooked her arm around her roommate’s waist.
“Are you kidding? Jes has been trying to get rid of us since he laid eyes on his sleeping beauty.” Nina mumbled, though she did leave her eyes on him for a few seconds to give him time to let them know he didn’t want them to leave. But he didn’t, he actually encouraged them to get some fresh air and stretch their legs and get some food.
He’d be just fine, waiting for Wylan.
…
The first time Wylan woke up, it was because the only thought going through his head was that it was too dark. So he worked to open his eyes for minutes before he managed to get them to cooperate. He wondered what time it was, he wondered where he was, and he wondered where Jesper was. Wylan wanted his hand to move up to rub his eyes, but he found it was weighed down.
His tired, bleary eyes peeked down at his hand, or more specifically at Jesper’s hand in his. Wylan smiled gently, he didn’t know what time it was but he knew Jesper was with him. He was curled up in a chair that looked uncomfortable to most but Wylan knew it was probably the most comfortable Jesper could be, all intertwined with himself. It was a miracle all of his long limbs could fit on the chair in the first place.
Wylan’s thumb softly stroked over his boyfriend’s hand, and he caught sight of his sleeve and he understood everything at once. He was in the hospital, and Jesper was waiting for him to wake up. Wylan woke up, but now Jesper was sleeping. He looked exhausted and Wylan was willing to bet that this was the first time he’d slept since he got admitted.
It came to him in bits and pieces, but a huge chunk of Wylan’s memory had been missing. He remembered his father was in his dorm room and he remembered all the things he said and he remembered Matthias coming home and that was it. Wylan didn’t remember anything that happened in his panic. But it must have been bad enough that Matthias had to take him to the hospital.
Wylan turned his head so he could look at his IV, looked down at the hospital bracelet wrapped around his wrist. He smiled, it said Wylan Hendriks, he wondered if Jesper did all his paperwork, he probably did. Wylan held his hand tighter, he wished he was awake, he wanted to talk to him, wanted to hug him, wanted to kiss him.
But if Wylan was fully rested with the help of an IV drip, he couldn’t imagine how tired Jesper might have been just sitting waiting for him to wake up. At least this way they got to sleep together, but he wanted Jesper to know he had been awake at some point. So he brought Jesper’s hand up to his cheek, rolling over so he could softly slot it under his warm cheek.
…
The second time Wylan had woken up, Nina was fussing with the blinds of his room, insisting that he needed some sun while Jesper argued it might be too much for him and his delicate pretty little eyes. Wylan smiled sleepily as they settled on the blinds being halfway up but only if Jesper stood in front of the sun so Wylan wouldn’t potentially be blinded by it.
“Jes?” Wylan asked as Jesper was too busy pacing in a small circle to actually block the sun from his boyfriend’s face, because he hadn’t assumed Wylan was going to be awake at this point. “Um, Jes, honey?” He asked again because he hadn’t been heard over Nina getting in her wheelie chair and trying to run Jesper over for sport.
“Wylan? Wylan! Oh my God, baby, baby!” Jesper, completely tripped over the closest wheel of Nina’s chair because she had not heard Wylan fast enough to stop herself from slamming into his boyfriend. Luckily, Jesper had lots of practice losing his balance as someone who had been doing track his whole teenage life, and he recovered easily. “I thought I was hearing things, I can’t believe it, hey, hi, hi.”
“Hi…” Wylan stuck his hands up towards Jesper as he crouched down beside his bed and let his face get cradled by a very sleepy Wylan. “I mean, I’m not comatose, just tired.”
“You could have fooled me, you were out for almost 20 hours.” Nina grumbled, but she scooted her chair to Wylan’s legs and hugged him close by the ankles. “How do you feel? Do you want some pudding? Some yogurt?”
“Oh, I actually woke up a few hours ago, but Jes was sleeping and I didn’t wanna wake him.” Wylan admitted, because it was probably important for his diagnosis, and Jesper blinked his eyes at him.
“See! I told you he was awake! You told me that people can roll over when they’re sleeping but I knew it was Wy trying to send me a signal.” Jesper got to his feet but made sure he was still hunched over Wylan, he smoothed his hand over Wylan’s chest comfortingly and then laid his head on top of his heart. “I knew it, don’t doubt our love ever again.”
“You guys are the actual worst. I cannot stand the two of you.” Nina groaned, completely laying on top of Wylan’s legs so she and Jesper were covering him like blankets. “How is it possible that you are literally in the hospital but worried Jesper isn’t getting enough sleep?”
“Because his sleep is important to me.” Wylan murmured, hands sliding into Jesper’s hair as he held him close to his chest. Jesper turned his face so he could burrow into his boyfriend, he had waited these nearly 20 hours to be touched just like this.
“I’m gonna get some help, and hopefully we can be discharged as soon as possible.” Nina peeled herself off of Wylan’s legs and then pushed her chair all the way to the door before getting up. “No funny business, Jes, he is still a patient right now.”
“Go get a nurse or something.” Jesper grumbled, not even lifting his head a centimetre and giving Nina the time of day. But he could hear her roll her eyes, and swore he could feel her giving him the middle finger.
Wylan and Jesper didn’t talk while she was gone, just softly held each other, familiarizing themselves with the sound of their breathing and heartbeats. The things they searched for to comfort themselves. They were okay and they were alive, and soon they’d be going home.
…
The third time Wylan woke up, he was in his dorm room, tucked neatly into his bed with Snuggles the dog hugged tight between his arms. A small night light lit up the room and he blinked at Kaz Brekker, arms crossed as he sat in Wylan’s desk chair on the other side of the room.
Matthias and Nina were curled on top of his bed, their backs facing each other and they pointedly were not touching. Jesper and Inej were laying on the floor, Jesper at the foot of Wylan’s bed and Inej tucked neatly under Matthias’ desk. Wylan and Kaz were the only two people awake.
Wylan knew that Kaz and Jesper had a falling out, he didn’t know what about, but he had asked where Kaz was when he was getting discharged and they all kept their mouths shut. There had been a disagreement, but here was Kaz, waiting for Wylan to wake up again.
He’d been sleeping far too much lately, and nobody wanted to let him out of their sight. This was his first night out of the hospital, and Wylan was thinking lots about his diagnosis, about the advice his doctor had told him going forward.
He didn’t have the energy to do much, to eat much, to move much. Kaz, noticing that Wylan was awake and looking at him, stood up from the chair and moved to leave. Wylan didn’t try to stop him, but was very appreciative that Kaz seemingly was watching over him, by extension watching all of them.
When the door clicked shut behind him, Jesper’s head appeared over the bed as the tiny sound had jolted him from his sleep. He looked around the room to do a headcount and then whipped his head around to find Wylan yawning at him.
“Good morning, baby, how’re you feeling?” Jesper crawled across the floor to get to Wylan, sitting back on his heels as he brushed some of his redgold curls away from his face. “Are you still bothered that Kaz isn’t here? He made his choice.”
Did he though? Wylan’s eyes flickered over Jesper’s face, because he was bothered by Kaz’s absence but didn’t want to admit it. Didn’t want to make things more difficult for Wylan by getting into his friendship discrepancies.
“I’m still good,” Wylan smiled gently as he leaned in for a chaste kiss, leaning closer when Jesper’s thumb stroked his cheek tenderly. Jesper had been waking up every hour like clockwork, checking to make sure Wylan had enough water, enough blankets, enough food, enough everything. “I have a special request though…”
“Yeah, anything, what do you need?” Jesper softly fluffed Wylan’s pillow and straightened out his blankets for him and Wylan giggled happily. He was acting like Wylan’s visit to the hospital had been a matter of life or death, when it was just for the sake of diagnosis and monitoring his condition.
“I need you to get in bed with me and stop sleeping on the floor.” Wylan whispered, scooting to the edge of the bed and tossing his blankets back for Jesper. Jesper was more than willing to take him up on the request, he slipped into Wylan’s bed and got his arms around his chest, pulling Wylan close as was his duty as the big spoon. “Are you…in the right headspace to hear what happened?”
Jesper was quiet for a while, snuggling his nose into Wylan’s neck and breathing deeply. Wylan thought he still smelled like the hospital, but Jesper couldn’t smell anything but the comfort the love of his life being back in his arms again brought. Jesper was using Wylan’s presence to ground him, to remind him that if this was hard for him it must be twice as hard for Wylan.
“Are you sure, baby? To relive it so soon, especially with what the doctor said…” Jesper murmured, because Wylan had not been ready to talk about his diagnosis, that boundary had been set right away. That he wanted to focus on recovering before he dove deeper into what else was wrong with him. He’d focus on physical recovery and then work on his mind.
“I’m fine, if you’re here I’m fine.” Wylan murmured, because Jesper knew when he should stop him, because Jesper would never let Wylan do anything that might hurt himself. He trusted Jesper to know his limits because honestly Wylan was becoming more unsure that he knew his.
“Okay, if you’re comfortable telling me.” Jesper kissed his cheek and then went quiet, one of his hands stroking up and down Wylan’s arm.
And he told him everything, every detail he could remember, and everything he couldn’t remember. When Jesper was given permission to fill him in with what Matthias had told him, Wylan knew everything. For the first time in two or three days, he knew everything.
He knew he didn’t have a father, he didn’t have a home, he didn’t even have that same sense of stability. Worst of all he had been robbed of that sense of progress, that sense of recovering. Wylan turned around in Jesper’s arms and pressed his face into his chest, swallowing grief and disappointment as Jesper quietly shushed him.
This was the limit, this was when Jesper needed them to stop talking about it because it was going to set Wylan off. Wylan squeezed his eyes shut tightly, focusing on breathing and Jesper’s hands on him and Jesper’s comforting voice.
Despite it all, despite feeling like he had nothing, Wylan knew it wasn’t true. He had Jesper, and had him since they’d met. Jesper was going to be his constant, was always his constant. He’d talk him down when things got too scary, he’d hold him close just like this to provide him with just enough pressure. Jesper would help him through it, the same way Wylan had helped Jesper through everything until now.
With Jesper’s arms around him and Jesper’s heart beating comfortingly against his ear, Wylan allowed himself to believe that it would be okay. It wouldn’t be easy, but it would be worth it, everything was worth it if it meant a life outside of his trauma, outside of being sorry for being alive.
Everything was worth it if it meant a life with Jesper, in their little renovated farmhouse, married. Wylan’s self-doubt was overpowered by his trust in Jesper, that no matter how much he tried to convince himself he didn’t deserve it, Jesper had made a promise and it was going to happen.
Wylan breathed in Jesper’s scent the same way Jesper was, and he held Snuggles, the stuffed dog, tight between their chests and sighed softly. They’d made it through everything before this and they’d make it through everything after this. Together, the way they’d always be.