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Velvette shoved the last of the many, many full bags into the trunk of the truck before slamming it shut. “There, we should be ready now. We got everything on your stupid camping supply list, flat-face.”
Vox laughed. “Oh, Velvette, that list is anything but stupid. It’s got everything you could possibly need for camping. Besides, I don’t think you need over thirty changes of clothes for a two-night trip.”
Velvette waved her hand dismissively. “Just because we’re gonna be in the middle of the woods doesn’t mean I won’t be taking advantage of that portable wi-fi you insisted on bringing. I need to update my Sinstagram with all my new camping outfits or I’ll lose followers.”
“First of all, I will give you one guess as to why I have to bring portable wi-fi. Second of all, this is supposed to be a break from work, that you guys roped me into.”
“You would work yourself to death otherwise,” Velvette chided. “Anyway, where’s Valentino?”
“Right here, mis amores,” sang a voice from behind them. They both turned to see the third member of the Vees, holding two more suitcases.
Velvette shook her head. “No. No no no no no, Val, we do not have any more room in the truck for more shit.”
“But it’s important,” he insisted, setting the bags down on the pavement.
Vox sighed. “Trust me, Val, if something is important, I’ve already packed it. Whatever’s in there couldn’t possibly be necessary.” His smile strained. “Now let’s just get going.”
“But what if we see a murderer?” Valentino pulled out two bedazzled pistols out of the bag. “And what if they’re sexyyyy??” With his other two arms, he pulled out sex toys. Velvette pinched the bridge of her nonexistent nose.
“Goddammit Val,” Vox breathed before plastering on a fake grin. “Leave those here. They probably won’t fit in the truck anyway.”
Val smirked. “You know what else probably won’t fit? My dick in your—”
“LET’S GET IN THE TRUCK NOW!” Velvette said hurriedly, jumping into the passenger seat and slamming the door behind her.
“Who decided that YOU get shotgun?” Val whined.
“Who decided that I’m driving?” Vox grumbled. “It’s like, over three hours to get there.”
Velvette rolled her eyes. “Because I’m short and Val’s eyesight is fucked. Deal with it, piss baby,” she snarked, once again holding the singular brain cell between the three of them.
Vox grudgingly got into the driver’s seat and slammed the door next to him. Valentino got into the backseat, also with a fair amount of complaining. Velvette immediately started typing on her phone and Valentino pulled his out as well. Vox pulled out of the parking lot and started in the direction of the forest.
After about an hour, things were getting tense.
“Velvette, pull up a map on your phone,” Vox commanded.
“No, I’m busy.” Velvette turned away from him and snapped a selfie.
“Are we there yet?” Val asked.
Vox groaned. “No. It’s only been an hour. SOMEONE GET ME A DAMN MAP!”
“Why don’t you get your own map?” Val rolled his eyes.
“BECAUSEIMDRIVING!!!!” Vox snapped quickly, his voice taking on a distorted effect, until he chuckled, his clawed fingers gripping the wheel tightly. “Just…get me a map.”
Velvette raised an eyebrow and looked up from her phone, glancing out the window but then doing a double take. “VOX! Where the fuck is the road?”
Vox smirked. “We’re in the forest. There isn’t a fully paved road, Velvette,” he said smartly, turning the wheel to avoid hitting a tree. The truck bounced, and Valentino yelped as his shiny bald-ass head hit the roof.
“I don’t mean like that! You’re not even on the bloody path!”
“THIS IS WHY I ASKED YOU FOR A MAP!!”
“I DON’T THINK YOU NEED A FUCKING MAP JUST TO NOT GO OFFROADING!!” Her eyes suddenly widened. “STOP THE TRUCK!!”
Vox stepped on the brake and the truck came to a sudden halt as he realized that the front wheels were inches away from driving straight into a river. Like the dramatic bitch he is, he slammed his head onto the steering wheel, causing the horn to sound loudly. “Fuuuhhuuhhuuuuckk.”
“How did you not see that?” Velvette chided with an exasperated tone.
“Hnnnnnnnggggggg,” Vox sighed, covering his screen with his hands.
“Are we lost?” Val piped up.
Vox shook his head. “No. Not lost,” he insisted, clearly trying to convince himself more than he was trying to convince them. “Just…just a bit of a setback.” He pulled out his phone and opened a map, his other hand resting on the steering wheel as he carefully backed away from the edge of the river. Using the map, he was eventually able to get the truck back onto the path.
“Thank Lucifer,” Velvette sighed.
Thankfully, the rest of the drive went by without too many incidents. As soon as they arrived at their campsite, which was a nice little clearing surrounded by thick trees and not too far from a lake, Vox slumped in his seat. “We’re here,” he said tiredly.
Val and Velvette immediately clambered out of the truck, Vox doing the same after a moment.
The three of them spent some time stretching their legs, and then began to wander around.
“Who knew Hell’s nature could actually be kind of pretty?” Velvette remarked, raising her phone to take pictures of the trees.
“If you look past the demonic bears that are probably hiding behind those trees,” Valentino replied, taking off his heart-shaped glasses to polish them on his shirt before putting them back on. “But it is quite nice.”
Vox nodded in agreement before heading back over to the truck and popping the trunk open. “Come on, guys, let's get unpacked and set up the tents.”
They started to unpack their excessive amounts of luggage, separating them into piles. They got out the tents, duffel bags filled with clothes, a hammock, and many, many survival and first-aid kits.
“Did you seriously need to pack like we’re preparing for the bloody extermination, flat-face?” Velvette scoffed, tossing aside a book about how to make a bear trap. “We could have gone without all of this, y’know.”
Vox’s eyes narrowed, his digital smile twitching with annoyance. “That would be risking failure. And I don’t do failure, dear.”
“After that situation you got us into with the truck, it seems like you can’t avoid failure.”
At that, Vox’s smug smile morphed into a pout, and he turned away. “It wasn’t even my fault. You wouldn’t give me the map. I didn’t fail, Velvette.”
She rolled her eyes. “You fail at everything. Even fashion.” She critically eyed his choice of outfit: his usual navy suit was replaced with a light blue polo and fucking cargo shorts (goddamn dork). He was also wearing hiking boots. Not to mention he was somehow wearing a bucket hat.
“I have to agree with Vel, mi amor, you look like a generic suburban white dad,” Val commented with a grin, unzipping one of the tent bags.
Vox pouted even more and snobbily stalked away to set up the hammock in between two trees.
The three spoiled assholes did their own things in silence, but that only lasted a few moments, and the peaceful silence was ruined by Velvette frustratedly yelling, “HOW THE FUCK DO I PUT UP A DAMN TENT????”
Vox strutted back over to her and smirked condescendingly (he’s a bastard). “Who’s the failure now?” he said happily, his eyes sparkling with a hint of haughtiness.
This time it was Velvette’s turn to pout. “Oh, cut the shit and just pitch the bloody tent for me.” She shoved the mess of fabric and poles into his arms and stomped away to sit on a tree stump.
Vox started to put it up with ease. “The only reason it didn’t work for you is you didn’t actually look at the instructions,” he sneered.
“Fuck you. Your face is flat and so is your ass.”
“His tits are bigger than yours, though,” Valentino said with an amused smirk, his golden tooth and his bald-ass head majestically shining in the evening light.
Vox and Velvette both looked extremely offended and whined in unison:
“DON’T SAY THAT VAL!! MY TITS AREN’T THAT BIG!”
“SHUT UP VAL, MY TITS ARE PERFECT!!”
“Just saying, only one of you could easily fit a c-cup bra, and it’s not the woman.”
Val was probably correct. Not that either of his friends would admit it, though.
Vox growled under his breath and started to assemble the tent more aggressively. “Fuck you, Val.”
“Oh please do, baby~” Valentino said in an attempt to be seductive.
“NOT LIKE THAT YOU PERVERTED SLUT-FACED BALD BASTARD!”
“YOU DON’T HAVE HAIR EITHER!!”
“WOULD YOU RATHER A TELEVISION HAVE HAIR?”
Valentino paused. “Fair point.”
Velvette nodded in agreement. “Yeah, that would be weird as shit.”
Vox gritted his teeth but forced a smile. “Thank you. Now, can we get back to doing what we’re supposed to?”
With that, the three of them finished pitching the tents and setting up the folding table. After they fought over the hammock, with Valentino winning said fight, they all slumped over in exhaustion.
“Goddammit, why is camping so hard?” Velvette whined. “I blame you two. Fucking man-children, making my afterlife so much more difficult than it needs to be.”
“You brought this upon yourself when you decided to bring us camping,” Vox said lazily. “Fuck, it’s getting dark out. We need stuff for a fire.”
“Start one with your electricity,” Val suggested.
“First of all, if we’re camping, we’re going to do it correctly. Second of all, I can’t just start a fire from thin air anyway.”
“Fineeeee. Let’s go into the damn woods,” Valentino griped.
The three of them started off into the woods as the sky began to darken. And of course, they all started to complain.
“I’m cold,” Vox whined.
Velvette rolled her eyes. “You should have brought a sweater.”
“Why the fuck did you guys not tell me that we were gonna be hiking?” Valentino grumbled. “I didn’t know that I wasn’t wearing appropriate shoes.”
“Who in their right mind would think it was appropriate to wear five-inch thigh-highs on a damn camping trip?” Velvette huffed. “You would, apparently. Both of you are idiots.”
“You didn’t know how to put up a tent!” Valentino shot back.
“That’s besides the point. Now let’s get some fucking sticks so we can start a fucking fire.”
The three dumbasses spent about thirty minutes in the woods looking for sticks and whining every time they got poked by a branch, tripped on a rock, or got dirt on them. But eventually, they made it back to their campsite, each with a bundle of sticks. Valentino immediately made his way over to the hammock and climbed inside with a tired sigh.
Vox shivered. “Okay, let’s get this fucking fire going. It shouldn’t be too hard, right?”
Velvette sat down on her tree stump again and pulled out her phone. “It’ll take less than three seconds. You have your electricity shit. And we have like, twelve lighters that you made us bring.”
The TV gave a smug grin. “Nonono, we are doing this the old-fashioned way.” He made a circle with a bunch of rocks that were lying around and ceremoniously dumped the sticks in the middle, kneeling beside it.
“Oh, come on,” Valentino groaned from the hammock. “You can’t possibly want to do that, mi amor.”
Vox waved him away. “No, no. I’m doing this. We are competent adults and we should be able to start a fire without having to use my powers,” he chided.
Velvette rolled her eyes. “Cut the shit. You two are anything but competent. Just use your goddamn electricity and start a fucking fire so we can eat and go to bed.”
“No.” Now determined to prove his point, Vox picked up two nearby rocks and aggressively started rubbing them together. Velvette huffed and covered her ears at the grating noise.
“I don’t think you’re doing that right,” Valentino remarked from the hammock, his mouth twisting into an amused smirk.
“Shut up.” Vox narrowed his eyes and stuck his tongue out in concentration, and kept trying to get the fire going. Alas, the rocks still didn’t spark. “Goddamnit, we’re in Hell, it shouldn’t be this hard,” he muttered before tossing the rocks into the trees and picking up new ones.
Velvette sighed. “At this rate, we’re gonna be out here all night.”
Without warning, an eardrum-shattering scream sounded from the hammock. Vox and Velvette whipped their heads around, with the corner of Vox’s screen unfortunately bashing into his shoulder, to see Val on the ground and scrambling to stand up.
“Val, what the FUCK??” Vox screeched, rubbing his shoulder.
“I SAW A BUG!!!!!”
“VAL YOU’RE A GODDAMN MOTH,” Velvette scolded, throwing a stick at him. “Bloody hell, you scared us!!”
“My shoulder hurts,” Vox whined pitifully.
Valentino shoved his glasses back onto his face. “Well, it was some sort of weird poisonous demon bug! It was huge! And it was—oH SENOR SALVAME IT’S BACK!!!
Vox sighed. “Jesus Christ, Val, I—OH GODDAMN THAT IS A HUGE BUG!!!” He jumped up and started swatting at the air. “VELVETTE GET THE BUG SPRAY!! IT’S FLYING NEAR ME OH GOD—”
Velvette just stared, her eye twitching. “I am surrounded by idiots, I swear…” she grumbled. She looked back up at Vox and Val, who were still making noises that could only be described as inhuman screeching and swatting at the air like they were doing a stupid dance.
And when she saw the reason for this, she facepalmed. “YOU IDIOTIC DRAMA QUEENS, THAT’S A GODDAMN DRAGONFLY!”
“WELL IT’S TERRIFYING!!” Valentino complained.
Not even a few seconds later, the dragonfly flew away, and Vox and Val looked even more pathetic than usual.
“I really wish I got all that on video,” Velvette said with a regretful tone in her voice.
Vox didn’t meet either of his friends’ gazes, clearly embarrassed. “Let’s just…ugh. Let’s fucking eat and then go to bed,” he said stiffly, quickly zapping the wood and starting a fire before grabbiong some food to roast over the fire.
“Marshmallows?” Velvette asked hopefully.
“Hot dogs?” Val asked at the same time. “BIG hot dogs?”
“It’s marshmallows. I don’t have the energy to make anything more than that.” Vox tossed the bag at them and the three of them found long thin sticks to roast the marshmallows with.
They all sat around the fire as the sky began to get darker. It was almost peaceful; the flickering flame cast an orangey glow all around them, and the crackling sound was quite soothing.
“Guys, please don’t ruin this by doing something stupid,” Velvette begged.
“Don’t worry, I won’t do anything—” Just then, Val’s marshmallow caught on fire, and everyone screamed.
Velvette let out a loud scream. “VAL WHAT THE HELL????”
Valentino was now thrashing around frantically. “WHAT DO I DO?!!!” The flaming marshmallow was seemingly about to fly off the stick at any second.
Vox backed away from the scene, his eyes wide. “Well, DON’T FLING IT AROUND!!” he yelled. “PUT IT OUT!”
“HOW????!!!!”
Thinking quickly, Velvette grabbed the stick from Valentino and threw it on the ground stomping on it and covering it with dirt to put out the flame. She then tugged on her hair. “We cannot have ONE NICE MOMENT, can we?” she asked rhetorically.
“Sorry Vel,” Valentino said sheepishly.
Vox ran a hand down his screen. “Let’s just go to bed. Now.” He shoved his own relatively burnt marshmallow into his mouth and tossed the stick away before climbing into one of the tents and zipping up the flap.
“Oh, HELL FUCKING NO. I am NOT sharing a tent with Val,” Velvette protested, standing up and shaking Vox’s tent. “This was NOT the deal, flat-face!!” She unzipped the flap, revealing a very annoyed looking Vox.
“I want my own tent,” he said stubbornly. “I lit the fire.”
“Oh, don’t even start with that!”
“I WANT MY OWN TENT TOO!” Val cut in.
Velvette started pacing, waving her hands in the air as she spoke animatedly. “Why the fuck did we only bring two tents?! This whole trip was a goddamn mistake!”
“Don’t blame me, I didn’t even want to come,” Vox commented. “My shoulder hurts. And my screen is scratched. Do you know how much this TV shit costs to repair?”
“We’re rich, remember??”
“Oh yeah. But I’m still mad about this. And this tent is mine.” He zipped up the flap again, despite his friends’ protests.
Velvette rolled her eyes. “Goddammit…” She glanced over at Val, who was eying the tent. The two of their gazes met, and Vel sprinted over to the second tent. “THIS ONE IS MINE, ASSHOLE!”
“NOT FAIR! I’LL BE COLD!” Val screeched.
“SLEEP IN THE FIRE, SHITASS!” She lifted her middle finger and stuck out her tongue before zipping up the door of her own tent.
“FUCK YOU, VELVETTE!” Valentino grudgingly climbed back into the hammock, covering himself with his wings.
“FUCK BOTH OF YOU! I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!” Vox yelled from his own tent, but there was a hint of amusement in his voice. He was loving the drama because he’s a total bitch.
Velvette was sick of it, though. “EVERYONE SHUT UP AND GO THE FUCK TO BED BEFORE I RIP OUT YOUR INTERNAL ORGANS AND FEED THEM TO YOU!!!”
Yeah, everyone went quiet after that.
***
It was the next morning, and the red Hell sun was shining, and the demonic Hell birds were chirping. Vox and Velvette emerged from their tents, and Valentino fell out of the hammock and onto his face. They all looked equally exhausted.
Vox yawned and then put on a sparkling smile before pulling a list out of his shorts pocket. “Alright, guys, let’s go over our plan for the day.”
His friends groaned.
“Can’t you let us wake up all the way first?” Val asked, using his hands to smooth his antennae.
Vox ignored their sounds of protest and started to read down his list. “To start, I think we should forget about what happened last night. Moving on, we’re going to the lake today. And while we’re there, we’re going fishing. And canoeing. And maybe even hiking later.”
“Did we even bring a damn canoe?” Velentino muttered drowsily.
“It’s strapped to the roof of the truck, how could you miss it?” Velvette snapped, still in an understandably questionable mood, since she was camping with two idiots and she too, was sort of an idiot.
Vox cleared his throat. “Ahem. Anyway.” He paused to glance at his two friends. “Let’s get a quick breakfast and start our hike.”
“Fine. Whatever. This is gonna suck.” Velvette pulled out her phone and snapped a quick photo of the sunrise before pocketing it again and turning back to the boys. “Alright, I’m ready.”
The three of them got a quick breakfast and changed clothes (this time with Valentino smartly grabbing hiking boots instead of stripper heels), and then started down one of the trails that led to the lake bringing the canoe and fishing poled with them.
About five minutes in, Velvette asked, “Couldn’t we have just driven the truck down to the lake?”
“I—” Vox paused, his confident demeanor faltering for a minute when he realized that he was an absolute dumbass. “Uh, this is the better way to appreciate the nature,” he finally finished, grinning brightly.
“Or you’re just stupid,” Val muttered under his breath, throwing a stick at him.
“Shut up.” Vox dodged Val’s projectile and shoved his way through some pesky branches, struggling to do so while carrying the fishing poles.
Eventually, the three of them saw the glimmering water of the likely radioactive lake. They sighed and set all their stuff down.
“Alright, guys, should we start with fishing?” Velvette asked.
Vox and Val shrugged in agreement and they got to work setting up the fishing poles. Then they all settled down and started casting their lines into the water.
The three of them sat in serene silence, the only sound being the comforting splashes of the lake.
“Just so you know,” Velvette piped up, “catching the biggest fish does not dictate the size of your dick.” She gave them both a slight glare.
“Wha–well, what gave you the idea that we were making this a competition?” Vox sputtered, quickly turning it into a sheepish chuckle.
Valentino laughed. “My dick is huge anyway.”
Velvette rolled her eyes, and then felt a tug on her line. She reeled it in, and made a disgusted face. She definitely caught…something vaguely fish-like. It had wings and seven eyes, though.
“Okay, this lake is definitely radioactive,” she remarked, throwing the weird fish thing back into the lake, while both her friends stared, looking a bit squeamish.
“What else can you expect from a toxic lake,” Vox commented. “Besides, at least you caught something, I guess.”
About twenty minutes passed, and it was clear that fishing was not working out. The only one that had caught anything was Velvette, and that thing probably didn’t deserve the title of “fish.”
So yeah, their fishing journey ended quickly, and they started to pack up and prepare for canoeing. However, they were delayed when Velvette somehow got her fish hook stuck in her shirt and couldn’t get it out. “Guys, fucking HELP ME!!” she huffed.
“Of course there had to be an incident,” Valentino sighed. “I thought I was supposed to be the dumb one, darling.”
They were actually all quite dumb, as it took them ten more minutes to get the situation sorted out and finally get started with the canoe.
Thankfully, getting the canoe into the water wasn’t too difficult. The problems only started once they started drifting toward the middle of the lake.
“Do…do either of you know how to canoe…?” Vox asked sheepishly.
“Not me, mi carino,” Val responded.
“You mean you DON’T??” Velvette exclaimed. “You were the one who planned this activity!!”
Vox looked away. “I didn’t think it all the way through, I guess…”
“You didn’t think at ALL,” Vel corrected, her red eyes narrowing with annoyance. “Now how the fuck are we gonna get back?”
“Uh swimming?” Valentino suggested, looking down the side of the canoe into the murky water.
“I think swimming in this lake will give us herpes or something,” Vox said with a grimace.
Velvette buried her face in her hands. “God fucking damn it. Why does something bloody stupid have to happen every time we do an activity?!”
The answer to that, not that any of them would admit to it because they’re all egotistical bastards, was because all three of them had a single shared brain cell, and it seemed to be missing at the moment. And where did it go? We may never know.
After over fifteen long minutes of bickering, they decided that paddling with their hands was the easiest way to get back to the shore.
“This is so goddamn demeaning,” Vox groaned, flinching every time he got splashed. “A big-time tech genius having to paddle a canoe with his hands?? Thank god I’m waterproof.”
Everyone ignored him because he was just being a drama queen.
“Val, you have four hands, use them to the best of your fucking ability!” Velvette yelled. The canoe was still not moving much, probably because they were all paddling in different directions.
“I’m trying!” Val whined, and he leaned over the side of the canoe to reach a bit better.
“VAL!! YOU’RE ROCKING THE DAMN THING!!!” Vox screamed, grabbing either side of the canoe in an attempt to steady it. He failed, of course, and the whole thing toppled over.
There were a few moments of quiet as the three of them got dunked under the water, but as soon as they came back up, they all started screaming and complaining.
“MY HAIR!!! MY OUTFIT!!! WHY DO I EVEN HANG OUT WITH YOU TWO???!!!!” from Velvette.
“HHHHHHHGGHHGGHGHGHG, I’M ALL WET GOD FUCKING DAMN ITTTTTTT!!!!! I BETTER NOT GET WATER DAMAGE!!!!!!” from Vox.
“AYYYYYYYYY, MY WINGS ARE ALL SOAKED!!!” from Valentino.
They all splashed around, thrashing in the nasty Hell lake water before ultimately deciding that swimming to shore was the only plausible solution. When they all got back to dry land, Velvette wrung out her hair and clothes, Vox tilted his head to get any lingering water out of the ports and Val flapped his wings dry.
“Let’s…let’s get back to the tents…” Valentino suggested, and the three of them trudged back to their campsite, soaked and miserable.
“I probably have herpes now,” Vox muttered.
“You get used to it, mi amor,” Val said dismissively.
When they got back to their nice little campsite, they all changed into dry clothes and started a fire to warm up, this time without Vox’s protests against using a lighter. None of them were talking to each other much, actually, until after they had eaten dinner, Vox said hopefully, “Y’know…we can still go on our hike.”
He was immediately met with the protests of his friends.
“Fuck, mi carino, are you really that stupid?” Valentino chided. Vox responded with a sour look.
“Yeah, do you really think it’s a good idea to do another activity?” retorted Velvette. “We fucked up on all of them so far, thanks to you two man-children.”
“First of all, I am not a man-child, I am a very competent man-ADULT thank you very much, and second of all, fuck you. Third of all, we’re going on a hike. Executive decision.”
“And what gives you the authority to make that executive decision?” Velvette shot back angrily.
Vox puffed out his chest. “Because I’m the de-facto leader of the Vees. The big brains of this operation. Now come on, let’s get going before it starts getting dark.”
“You may be the leader and the ‘brains’, flat-faced fuck, but I’m the backbone!” Velvette reminded him.
“And I’m the dick!” Val announced proudly, being the pervert that he is.
Vox waved a clawed hand. “Yeah, yeah. Anyway, let’s get going.” He grabbed a flashlight and marched off into the forest, expecting the others to follow him. Which they did, after glancing at each other skeptically. Velvette grabbed the demon-bear spray and Val picked up another flashlight.
The sun was setting, making the trees look like they were shining like Valentino’s bald-ass Mr. Clean head. The three of them wandered down the trail, judging all the ugly fucking demon wildlife. It was getting a bit cold, but none of them had the balls to complain and ruin their possibly last peaceful moment.
They hiked up the trail until reaching a good resting spot, a cliff drop that overlooked the very lovely toxic radioactive lake. The red Hell sky was cloudy, but it was still pretty. As pretty as the fiery depths of the Underworld could be, anyway.
The three of them sat down on the rocks, admiring the view. Velvette took a few pictures and tried to post them to her Sinstagram, but she had no signal. “Damn it. We left the portable wifi at the campsite.”
Both her and Valentino looked over at Vox, who’s screen displayed a loading symbol for a moment before his face came back into view; he had an unamused expression. “You don’t say?”
Valentino sighed. “I suppose we should probably get back to the campsite before it gets too dark,” he suggested, being smart for once.
Velvette and Vox nodded in agreement, and they all stood up.
“At…lEa-st it was…fU-un while it last-asted,” Vox said, his screen glitching while he spoke.
They all started back down the trail, although by then it was getting quite dark. Vox and Valentino turned on their flashlights.
“Did anyone grab a map?” Vox asked, pushing some branches out of his path.
“Nope,” his friends said in unison.
“Fuck.”
***
Long story short, they had gotten lost. It took them two hours of screaming, cursing, accusations, accidentally breaking their flashlights and running into trees, and trying to get cell phones to work without internet connection until they finally got back to their campsite.
Their clothes were torn, they were scratched up, and they were completely miserable.
“Thank fuck we’re going back tomorrow,” Valentino grumbled, flopping onto the hammock and promptly falling right off. “Shit.”
“Yeah, I miss my bed,” Vox complained, shutting himself in his tent. “I still can’t believe I, an intelligent and charming CEO genius, can’t even handle camping without everything falling apart.”
“It’s because you’re a pathetic spoiled brat,” Velvette chimed in, getting into her own tent.
Ouch (it was true, though). “Oh shut up,” Vox called out with a huff. “Says the lady who can’t go ten seconds without taking a selfie.”
“Says the man who has a literal television for a head.”
“...Touche.”
That night went by quickly, and by late morning they had all woken up, extremely eager to get back to their tower and never have to face stupid fucking nature ever again (even though it was their own fault that they were failures, not the outdoors’).
They got to packing up their excessive luggage back into the trunk of their truck, and once that was done, they climbed into their seats, relieved, and started down the road.
About five minutes in, Velvette piped up, “Hey guys?”
“Yeah?” Vox and Valentino halfheartedly responded.
“Let’s never go camping again.”