Chapter Text
It started on a whim. After a few days in Madarame's palace, the Phantom Thieves cleared the route to the treasure easily enough, but the last will seed eluded them. Akira led them back through the palace to look for it, peering into every hidden nook and unimpeded vent. After an hour of circling, searching and clearing out every last shadow in their path, his weary friends began playing Scenarios just to stay awake.
"Okay Fox, you can choose any celebrity as your persona," Akira said. "Who are you picking?"
"Leonardo."
"I guess that makes sense. Could he fight, though?"
"He was an exemplary fighter! He wielded two katanas with great skill."
"Leonardo da Vinci had katanas?"
"What? Of course not. I'm speaking of Leonardo, the leader of the Ninja Turtles."
Akira snorted.
"If we get to pick cartoons and shit, I'm picking John Cena," Ryuji said.
Ann gave him a quizzical look. "John Cena is a real guy, though."
"I'm not dumb, Ann, I know he's like Hatsune Miku."
"Yeah, Ann," Akira parroted. "He's not dumb."
The two of them burst out laughing while Ryuji and Yusuke looked on in puzzlement.
-
The next day they started a new game.
"Truth or dare, Mona?" Yusuke asked.
"Truth. Ask me anything!"
"Do you have a barbed penis?"
"What?" Mona tripped over his own paws and went down, rolling for a little bit before he could get his feet under him.
Akira bit his lip, trying not to laugh, but Ryuji openly guffawed. Lucky for Morgana, Ann was resting in a safe room and didn't see his shame.
"What kind of question is that?" Morgana yelled once he was up again.
"A simple one, I should think. I'm merely curious; I read that male cats have barbs. You are cat-shaped but not a cat, which leaves your barb situation unclear."
Morgana looked mollified by the acknowledgement that he wasn't a cat.
"I'm not actually sure," he admitted. "I haven't, erm, used that part in that way."
Everyone was silent for a moment, digesting this information. Then Akira spoke up.
"We're all about to ask each other dick questions, aren't we?"
"It's all I can think of now," Ryuji admitted. "Your turn, Fox. How big are you?"
"Roughly 11 centimeters under operating conditions."
"Huh?"
"When he's hard," Akira translated. "Hey, isn't this a weird topic?"
"I believe it's Skull's turn now. What is your size?"
"12 centimeters! I'm the biggest, hah!"
"We haven't asked Akira yet."
"I'm sitting this one out."
"Ah, c'mon man, no need to be ashamed. We're all guys. 'Cept Mona, he's a cat."
"I'm not a cat!"
"Think of it as a bonding activity, Joker," Yusuke coaxed. "Place your trust in us."
"Nope. Give me a dare instead."
"I dare you to reveal the size of your penis."
"Nice try, Fox. You can't dare people to tell the truth."
"I dare you to show us your dick," Ryuji put in.
"Goddamnit. Ok, fine, but after that we're off the dick topic, right?"
The other three nodded and Akira sighed. He grabbed his waistband and pulled down underwear and pants in one fell swoop. The other three stared.
"Is that normal for humans?" Morgana asked.
Yusuke shook his head."I have never seen its equal in a figure drawing class."
"What the fuck, dude?" Ryuji added.
A loud crash sounded nearby and Akira yanked his pants back up.
"What was that? I thought we got all the shadows in this area."
Unbeknownst to the Phantom Thieves, it was the sound of a man in a metal helmet leaning out of his hiding spot for a good view, losing his balance and landing face-first on the ground.
"What the hell?" Black Mask whispered as he hurried away. "Why is it so big?"
-
The games continued into other palaces as well. As they slipped through Kaneshiro's bank, they started on Would You Rather.
"Would you rather have Mishima or Akechi as your persona?" Ryuji asked Akira.
"Oh, Akechi, 100%."
"Really? Mishima's a wimp but Akechi's so freakin' annoying."
"Yeah, but I'd get to look at his ass every time he attacked."
"Gross, dude."
"I can just imagine it. Persona! Akechi, clap cheeks!"
Ryuji pretended to gag as the rest of the team broke into giggles.
The next day, by coincidence, Akechi invited him to play billiards and spent a distracting amount of time bent over the table.
-
In Futaba's pyramid, they played Cursed Wish.
"I wish for all women to love me."
"Ooo, classic mistake there, Skull," Akira said. "Granted. You are now an adorable dog."
"Shit. All right, Queen, what's yours?"
"Um. I wish nobody ever committed any crimes."
"Ha! Wish granted 'cause everything becomes legal. No mo' rules!"
"I should have thought of that, I suppose. Panther, what's yours?"
"I wish I could eat all the sweets I wanted and never gain weight!"
"Granted. You are now floating through space, weightless. You have 15 seconds to eat anything you want before you die."
"Whoa, that's so brutal! Okay leader, what's your wish?"
"I wish my crush liked me back."
"Ooo, who's your crush?"
"Irrelevant to my wish status," he told her with a teasing grin.
"Fine, granted! Your crush likes you but they're a yandere."
"I'm pretty sure that's already true."
The team began hounding him about the unknown person's identity but Akira refused to ‘fess up. Behind them, perched on a sarcophagus, Black Mask burned with curiosity as well.
-
Things got spicy in Okumara's spaceport.
"Let's play Fuck, Marry, Kill!" Ann suggested brightly.
"Oh my," Haru said. "What kind of game is that? It sounds a bit improper."
"A little, but it's really fun. We'll make Joker start. Your three are Fox, Mona and Skull."
"That's easy. Fuck Fox because he's pretty, marry Skull because he's my best bro and kill Mona because he's a cat and that disqualifies him for the other two."
"You better hope I don't tell Mona you said that," Ann laughed.
"What happens in the palace stays in the palace! Here's yours. Ms. Kawakami, Ms. Chouno and Ms. Usami."
"Ugh, why would you do teachers? I guess fuck Ms. Kawakami. She's kind of cute for her age."
"Nice," Akira said.
"Don't be gross! I'd marry Ms. Usami. She's a math teacher so she has to be good with managing money, right? And kill Ms. Chouno. Ok Queen, you're up."
"Why me?"
"Because we're showing Haru how it's done! You get Dr. Maruki, Sojiro and Mr. Hiruta."
"I obviously can't kill Boss, but I couldn't do that with him either," she said seriously. "I'd have to marry him."
"I give you my blessing," Akira said, and she punched him in the shoulder.
"I guess I would kill Mr. Hiruta and, umm, sleep with Dr. Maruki."
Haru giggled.
"He is kind of cute. Is it my turn now?"
"I'll give you an easy one," Ann assured her. "Fox, Joker and Skull."
"Hey! No fair using someone who's actually here," Akira protested, not wanting to put Haru on the spot. But she showed no hesitation.
"Kill Joker. I think he'd put up the most challenging fight," Haru mused cheerily. "Marry Fox. He could help me balance the aesthetics of the garden. And fuck Skull; it might be interesting to try once."
"Wow, you got the hang of this game fast," Ann said awkwardly. "That was...really decisive. Umm, Joker, your turn again. Kaneshiro, Madarame and Akechi."
Akira frowned.
"I'd fuck Akechi, obviously. I'd probably have to kill Kaneshiro. I guess Madarame is rich, so silver lining on that marriage."
Makoto raised an eyebrow.
"Akechi is the obvious choice for sex?"
"Yeah. Have you seen him?"
Akira made a vaguely obscene gesture, imitating the motion of groping a well-muscled ass.
Unseen in the shadows, Black Mask touched his backside self-consciously. Was it really that conspicuous? Oh well, at least Kurusu liked it. That would make it easier to manipulate him.
-
Crow joining the party put a damper on things. The team as a whole wanted to look like skilled professionals in front of the detective. But nothing could stop them from being goofballs for long and by the second day they were deep in a game of What If.
"What if, when you summoned your persona, all your clothes burned off?" Ryuji proposed.
"I'd acquire fireproof clothing as quickly as possible," Makoto said, taking it seriously as usual.
"Ha! The natural superiority of fur," Morgana gloated.
Akira shrugged. "I'd just do palace runs naked. It would probably distract the shadows."
"That seems unwise. Without your mask, how would you protect your identity?" Akechi's voice was mild, betraying neither amusement nor disgust at the thought.
Akira winked at him. "I promise, if you saw me naked, your attention wouldn't be on my face."
Akechi turned red enough to match his long-nosed mask and Akira smirked.
"What about you, Crow?"
"Oh dear, I suppose I'd run and hide. I'm rather shy."
A few days later, Akira found out just how big a lie that had been.
"I thought you were shy," he gasped as Akechi slammed him down onto the futon like a sexual tsunami.
"And I thought you wanted this ass. Put up or shut up, Joker."
He did.