Chapter Text
Tim had always planned to die first. It was practically a guaranteed from a logical standpoint. That’s what he always said. He said compared to his friends, God, compared to his own brothers, he’s the weakest one in his eyes. Maybe in some fucked up twisted way, Kon was jealous. It doesn’t make any sense and Tim would have many things to say about it, but if Tim died first, he wouldn’t have to deal with the fallout. He could just be dead. Maybe get some well-earned rest.
Kon, Bart, and Cassie would deal with it. Because dying first means you don’t have to lose your friends. You don’t have to deal with the pain of looking through their stuff, reading a carefully crafted will by someone that never should have had one yet, and taking what you could stomach. Kon was going to outlive Tim. The fact haunted him on nights he couldn’t sleep. Maybe it’s selfish, but dying first is a small mercy that Kon was sure Tim would get to have.
He didn’t get to have that. Kon, in all his selfishness, had stolen that one small comfort from him. Kon knew before he died that Tim wouldn’t cope well. Yet, he still got himself killed anyway. Just like Superman.
(Isn’t it cool?)
Then Bart died too apparently, And Kon can imagine that something inside of his best friend broke. He was down two of his closest friends, his mother was dead and his father had died recently as well. Tim didn’t handle grief well. He hadn’t when his mother died. He sure as hell didn’t when his father did the same. And to top it off, Tim’s second father disappeared.
So those facts must have been the reason that the man in the photograph is so different from the boy Kon knew. There’s just no other explanation. Somewhere in the ocean of grief, he must have lost himself. The little boy that joked and grinned with his teeth bared and eyes bright is so different from the man that was in his place. The man apparently didn’t joke and much less grin. there was something in Tim’s eyes now. Festering under the lock and key of his emotions. A raw pain lying under the surface that Kon could see even through the photo. Something broke and Kon wasn’t sure he could fix it.
That doesn’t mean he isn’t going to try. He sighed and closed his computer. Looking at a photo of his best friend wasn’t going to help Kon find him.
Man that was depressing. Anyway, Kon is going on his first mission from being back from the dead. Y'know the whole Superboy Prime bullshit that got him killed?
(Isn’t it cool?)
It’s been wonderfully titled in his head as: Operation: Help Grieving Best Friend Deal With Your Own Death Because For Some Reason You Are Alive Again And So Is Your Other Friend While Also Dealing With Your Death And The Fact That You Are Back Now And Have No Idea What To Do And Deal With The Scary Possibility That Maybe Your Best Friend Is Too Far Gone To Even Have A Resemblance Of A Relationship With You Or The Fact That He Might’ve Not Cared At All Despite All The Times He Said He Had. Or: Get Tim Better for short. He’s workshopping the title, alright? It’s kinda hard to deal with dying then coming back. Give him a break.
Here’s the plan (not necessarily in this order):
Reconnect with Tim (this is harder than you might think )
Get him to open up (this is next to impossible)
Consider therapy (fat chance)
Dispose the coffee (without getting caught. Does he even like coffee?)
Take him to Kent Farm (if you can get him out of Gotham)
Skip happily into the sunset
All in all a pretty solid plan if he says so himself. And he does, by the way. In case anyone was wondering. Now if only Tim could get with the program and make this a little easier for the both of them.
Case in point, for the past month Kon has been trying to get into contact with Tim. Apart from their meeting in Paris, that Tim thought he hallucinated(?), and fighting Tim’s apparent creepy old man arch nemesis, Kon hasn’t seen Tim at all. Normally, this wouldn’t be an issue for Kon. Tim’s a busy guy and can’t hang out with his friends 24/7. But goddamnit, is it not frustrating when he drops all contact like this.
It happened a few times when they were a bit younger. Tim would get wrapped up in a case or a project or something and drop off the face of the earth for a while. The first time it happened, Kon was concerned. He didn’t know Tim as well as he did now and assumed he was cutting them off. One messy argument later, Kon discovered Tim Tunnel Vision™. Kon can only assume that Tim fell into one of those states again and needs some help pulling himself out.
However, his best friend had to be so difficult to find for no reason. He asked Cassie, but apparently they weren’t on speaking terms. (Something he wasn’t touching with a ten-foot pole) He also asked Bart who also had no clue and changed the subject every five seconds. It was then he started getting a little nervous. So he contacted Dick after some deep thinking about it. The answers he got from Dick were concerning. Kon thought that Tim saw Dick as a big brother figure. His conversation with Dick seems to prove otherwise.
“No Conner, I haven't seen him for a while. Last I saw him was the night Ra’s Al Ghul was in Gotham. He left right after.”
“Well, do you know where he is now?” asked Kon.
“Look Conner,” he hesitated, “I think he wants to be alone right now. He’ll reach out when he’s ready.”
“But-Dick! Tim doesn’t do well alone! He needs someone—“
“Conner.”
“Yes?”
“Drop it. Give it time.”
After that, Dick hung up on him. The nerve of this guy! What could Tim possibly see in him? But more importantly, does he not know Tim at all? Doesn’t he know that Tim pulling away is a cry for help? When he pulls away, you need to follow him. You need to remind him that you won’t abandon him. Did Dick forget that?
He also called the rest of the Batclan. With the exception of Bruce Wayne. (He’s heard the excuses for that man. He’s heard the hushed confessions of doubt. Whispers of hesitation uttered in only the dark of Kon’s bedroom in Titan's tower when Tim wandered in escaping a nightmare. He’s held his best friend through enough breakdowns to know there’s no point in asking him.)
So he contacts Red Hood and only gets a voice message in reply telling him to fuck off. He contacted Stephane only to be informed that apparently Tim is very angry at her. ( did some digging, Tim has every right to be upset, at least he thinks so, but he never liked Stephane that much anyway.) He tried to contact Black Bat, but she’s harder to find than her brother. Kon even had the displeasure of speaking to one Damian Al Ghul-Wayne. (That was something he really didn’t need to experience ever again.)
He even tried reaching out to Barbra, or Oracle, whatever you want to call her. She proved to be about as much help as Dick. (Who lives up to his name, by the way.)
“Hey… Um Oracle?”
“Barbra is fine.”
“Okay—um.. I’ve tried pretty much everyone else, but do you know where Tim is? I can’t hear his heartbeat and I’m worried about him.”
“You can hear his…? Nevermind. I haven’t seen him in a while, kid. He doesn’t run on oracle tech anymore. Created some of his own stuff to operate independently. If he’s blocking you out, there’s probably a reason.”
“But Tim—he hates isolation! Why would he block everyone out?”
“I think you are operating on old information and assuming he wants what you want him to want. If he doesn’t want to be found he won't be. Give him some time.”
Suffice to say there was only one option left. The Justice League had to know where Tim was right? Dead wrong. Apparently his whereabouts for the past year have been shrouded in mystery. (Some probably well meaning heros suggested to just let him go because he didn’t want to be found. He never almost punched someone faster.)
So basically that was the long way of saying Kon has no idea where his best friend could possibly be and is about 50% more concerned about what he missed in the past year.
༻𓅩༺
Well, he’s going to take a page from Tim’s book and compartmentalize. One problem at a time. Tim taught him how to find people. It’s totally possible. (He never expected to have to track down his best friend this way. Asking around normally helped find him faster.)
Before he can start, he hears a call from down stairs.
“Kon dear! Dinner is ready! Come help set the table.”
Kon turns to the door to yell back, “Just a second Ma! I’m a bit in the middle of somethin’!”
Sighing, he closes his laptop. The one Tim got him. The one that sat and collected dust in the time capsule of his room when he was dead. Ma and Pa couldn’t bear to pack up his things. To move them away. His second favorite jacket was still laying on his bed. A half eaten candy bar on his desk, pictures of young justice. His team, his first family. They were torn apart when he died. Holy shit. He was dead. He died.
Fuck.
Isn’t it cool?
No. Not now please. Please.
Kon couldn’t move. He couldn’t stand. He needed to run! To escape! He was trapped. The walls. The walls were closing in on him. They would crush him. Then he would be dead again. Oh God. Panicked, he jumps out of his chair. It clatters to the floor only serving to startle him more. He needs to hide. Get away! Get away! GET AWAY!!! He drops to the floor and crawls under his desk. Not the best protection but the walls won’t crush the desk right? He covers his ears. Squeezes his eyes shut so the tears that are welling up can’t escape. He breathes but he can’t seem to get enough air into his lungs. Gasping for air, air he shouldn’t need. He was dead. He was dead!
He remembers laying in the rubble, in pain, agony really. His vision going in and out. His leg was broken, something was sticking out of his neck. He couldn’t feel his face. Superboy Prime did a number on him. But he saved them. His friends, family, home. He saved them. He saved them all. Would Superman be proud of him? Would the whole planet Krypton be proud of him? Would he join their ranks after death? Would they welcome him with open arms? A tear slipped down his cheek, somehow he managed a small smile.
“Conner?” Cass called out from somewhere above. He couldn’t shout, he couldn’t answer her.
“CONNER?” She shouted again. Some movement. Shifting. A groan, he couldn’t tell where it came from, was it him or her? She lifted the rubble crushing him off of him and tossed it aside, kneeling before him. And suddenly, suddenly he had to get it out. He had to tell her.
“He said… He said I wasn’t the real superboy…” he tried his best to reach out for her. She met him halfway, taking his hand in hers. “He was wrong…”
He glanced over to her, suddenly wishing the whole team was here. He needed them. But there was no way they would get here in time. At least Cassie was with him.
He continued, “I just forgot for a little while…we all forgot…” he heaves in a shaky breath, “Don’t-Don’t let them forget again.”
Cassie was much more panicked now. She inched closer, resting her hand on his chest. Fighting tears she spoke, “Just hang in there, okay?” She tried to smile, it looked like a grimace, Kon tried to smile too. He knew he was going to die.
“You did it Conner. You- You saved the Earth. You saved EVERYONE.”
He knew. He saved everyone. Just like Superman.
“I know Cass.”
He wasn’t afraid to die. He was going to die just like Superman. His hero.
Isn’t that what he wanted?
“Isn’t it cool?”
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“Kon?”
“Kon?!”
“Kon?! Can you hear me?”
Tim?
“Kon?”
“KON?”
“CONNER?!”
Ma.
He opened his eyes. Ma was kneeling in-front of him. Her gaze brimmed with concern. She sounded a bit winded. Did she run up here after the chair fell down? How long has it been? He took a breath. Everything’s okay.
“Conner? Are you with me dear?” She smiled gently at him, “Are you alright? What's wrong?”
“Ma… I…” he hesitated. He couldn’t tell her. It’d break her heart. He can’t be more selfish than he already was. She didn’t deserve that. After everything she and Pa have done for him. He just can’t.
“No need to tell me the details honey… I can see you’re not ready to talk.” she smiled again, gentle and kind, her eyes crinkled just a bit, just the way they did before. “May I hug you dear? You look like you need one.”
He nodded, and with his approval she coaxed him out from under the desk and into her arms. He hid his face in her shoulder, and wrapped his arms around her. She reached up and started to gently stroke his hair. She wrapped her other arm around him, frailer with age but no less comforting. He sighed, taking shaky inhales he breathed in her scent. He was safe in her arms.
“Ma… I… Ma…” he blubbered, lip shaking, he finally allowed the tears to fall, safe into his Ma’s blouse. He pulled her closer.
“Shhh.. I’ve got you, Ma’s got you.” She stroked his hair, “nothing can hurt you here. You are safe. I got you.”
No more words were spoken; they stayed huddled together for a long time.
༻𓅩༺
Finally, Ma broke the silence. “Foods not getting any warmer dear, would you like to come downstairs?” She gently moved his head back so she could look him in the eye. “I could always bring it up here for you, just this once.” She winked at him and despite himself he couldn’t help but let out a small giggle.
“I can go downstairs Ma.” He awkwardly rubbed his neck. God having a breakdown over something like this in front of Ma was embarrassing.
“Alright. I’ll go reheat your food. Take a moment to breathe sweetheart.” She fully let go of him then, standing up on shaking knees using his desk as support. Normally Kon would rush to help her but the loss of her touch suddenly made him unable to move. Was it really that bad again?
Ma opened the door, “Don’t take too long dear. I’ll be waiting.”
She stepped through the threshold but before she could close the door behind her—
“Ma wait!”
She turned back, “Yes?”
He hesitated, chewing his lip, yet Ma was patient as ever.
“Thank you.”
She smiled. “It’s no problem dear. I’m always here for you.”
Then she left.
༻𓅩༺
Kon took a few deep breaths. In. Out. In. Out.
Okay so— that was a bit embarrassing. Who knew dealing with trauma by pushing it all to the wayside would have potential negative effects? Crazy. But after everything with young justice—after everything he’s been through, his little “freak outs” have become more and more common. He knows there is specific vocabulary for what he’s feeling but for the life of him he can’t remember.
“It’s called a panic attack, Kon.” Tim smiled sheepishly, “It's perfectly normal.”
“That’s what it’s called?” Kon buried his head in his hands. “Stupid test-tube knowledge has some gaps.”
“Hey—don’t sweat it. The test tube couldn’t have given you knowledge of everything you would ever learn.”
“Still…” Kon sighed.
“Evil Scientists probably aren’t the most emotionally educated anyway.” Said Tim.
Right. Thanks past Tim. God, what would Kon do without him?
Kon glances at his alarm clock. 7:34.
Aw fuck. Food must be frozen again.
༻𓅩༺
After a little break to eat and try and fall asleep to no avail, Kon finds himself back in front of his laptop, screen glaring, causing him to squint his eyes. His alarm clock blinks at him. It is way too early for this. But he has a feeling that he won’t be able to sleep until he tracks Tim down.
Okay he can do this. It’s just like what Tim taught him to do.
He remembers a late night in Tim’s room. They were watching trashy TV on Tim’s laptop, something to break the silence. Kon had had a nightmare earlier–the fine details lost to him now– so he naturally went to visit Tim. He didn’t say much, only a simple, “Can I hang in here for a bit?” And somehow Tim knew exactly what he needed. To this day Kon still can’t figure out what gave it away. But Tim only softly grinned up at him, becoming him over, patting the space beside him.
“You look cold Clone Boy. C’mere.”
Kon practically waddled over. He was already wrapped tight in his own blanket, but Tim’s bed never looked more inviting. He didn’t have much more mental strength to move the pile of blankets on Tim’s bed instead choosing to simply flop onto the bed face down and bury his face into Tim’s pillow.
Much to his surprise, Tim let out a giggle, an honest to God giggle, he quickly brought his hand up to stifle it yet still full of mirth. Kon had never heard a sweeter sound. Kon would do anything to keep that in his life. Instead of voicing that, he flops over onto his side, glaring playfully.
“What's so funny Wonder?”
Tim giggled again, “You look like a worm. My little worm boy.” He reached over to pinch Kon’s cheek, emphasizing the statement.
“I’m not a worm boy. You're a worm boy. ” He batted Tim’s hand away.
“Says the one wrapped up in a pink fluffy blanket inching towards me. Total worm behavior.”
“Touche.”
Kon quickly settled in and Tim wordlessly pulled up his favorite show at the time: Wendy The Werewolf Stalker. He has to admit the show wasn’t the best, and Tim complained about the plot of it constantly, but it was a comfort to him. The fact Tim put it on for him was so touching he couldn't explain it. Smiling to himself he scooted closer to see the screen. The opening credits faded and instantly he felt the lingering terror of his nightmare slip away. They stayed like that for a while, just being near Tim soothed his worries.
But after the episode finished and Kon was no less tired, he looked over to Tim again. He had pulled out an ipad and was doing something on it. Maybe it was a mixture of exhaustion and curiosity but he chanced a glance at what Tim was doing. To his surprise, Tim leaned towards him, showing him the screen. Tim was working on a case, something to keep his mind occupied he said. Kon knew Tim had bouts of insomnia, his mind worked too much to settle sometimes, so Tim tried his hand at particularly difficult cases to try and tire out.
“Whatcha workin’ on?” Kon mumbled, scooting over and laying his head on his friend's shoulder.
“A missing persons case.” Tim glanced over to him out of the corner of his eye, “Wanna help?”
Kon agreed and Tim launched into an explanation on how to locate someone based on their past whereabouts and last known location. Together they read over news articles, Tim pointing out the important details, studied security footage, traced conversations, pulling together various pieces of evidence until they finally located the general location of where they ended up. It was a nice change of pace from just punching bad guys all the time. And Kon even pointed things out that Tim hadn’t noticed the first time!
Even if most of the information went in one ear and out the other; Kon couldn't help but notice the way Tim’s eyes lit up when they uncovered something new, how he gently took Kon’s hand to show him a small detail on the footage they were looking over, and the way his small soft smile reached his eyes when Kon pointed something out he noticed. Kon couldn’t believe that he was lucky enough to be blessed with such a kind hearted best friend.
༻𓅩༺
Snapping out of the memory, Kon focused back on the task on hand: finding Tim.
Step one: look for traces in the news. (technically step two because he already tried the actual step two but whatever it's fine.)
This isn’t actually too difficult because Tim is a public figure to most people in Gotham and New Jersey in general. After one quick search he sees many articles about W.E and its new young majority shareholder and basically CEO. Tim’s been traveling around the world to promote his Neon Knights project. Fantastic. It’s safe to assume this is what Tim is tunnel visioning on. Now that he knows that it should be easier to locate his best friend. And it was. A few more searches told him that Tim works most days from his office at Wayne Enterprises. (Okay so he really only needed step one. Tim really wasn’t trying to not be found. God was his family dumb. But that doesn’t explain why he can’t hear his heartbeat… he’ll have to ask about that.)
Unfortunately, Kon can’t just call the business number because he’ll never make it to Tim with his flimsy lying skills. And he can’t just waltz into the office. He probably wouldn’t even make it into Gotham proper before getting ambushed by Batman. He’s hit a wall, a dead end. Well, he’s half kryptonian and a wall won’t stop him. His saving grace comes in the form of Tam Fox, Tim’s assistant. He’s able to get a hold of her office number and he tried his best to explain the situation as best he could. Somehow, someway, he got her to schedule a meeting with Tim.
“You need to talk to Tim Drake? You understand he’s quite a busy man.”
“Please Ms. Fox I’ve got to see him– he’s my best friend and I'm quite worried about him. Can you try and fit me in somewhere? I’d really appreciate it. And before you ask, I know I'm not going to catch him at home. I know him too well… this might be the only way.”
“You really do know him well don’t you. I’ll see what I can do.”
“Thank you so much!”
That leads him to where he is now. Right outside his best friend’s office door trying to hold it together long enough to not fuck everything up and make it even harder to find Tim again. (Tam is one scary woman and he does not want to be on her shit list.)
He takes a breath. Then another. Then a third one for luck. He knocks on the door. Two knocks a pause two more knocks. Their own secret code to tell who’s on the other side of the door. Nothing happens. Just as he raises his hand to knock again he hears a click of a lock disengaging. And then suddenly, he’s face to face with his best friend. Tim’s rubbing his eye and somehow he looks so much older in his work clothes, a formal dress shirt rolled up to his elbows and a tie still perfectly in place despite his semi-apparent disheveledness. His eyes were more grey than blue, their spark that was so bright a year ago seems to be only a lone flame now. Something about Tim seemed so foreign now. What happened to the little boy Kon knew?