Chapter Text
Jax felt fuzzy by the time whatever announcements Caine had been presenting had wrapped up, he wasn't sure whether he preferred the solidarity of the virtual theatre or the normality of the circus they'd been brought back to.
He seemed to see the world through a haze, as if it were a distance concept. Sounds passed around, but none felt clear enough to make out.
Or perhaps he just didn't have the energy to comprehend them.
His eyes drifted lowly, glimpses of people that felt further than ever, despite him knowing they were right besides him.
Exhaustion plagued his mind, and he felt a weak annoyance burn futilely at his lagged behavior.
Something deep within the haze irked him about being near the other circus members, distantly calling him away.
As if in a trance, he stepped slowly through the halls of the circus towards his room, carefully avoidant of the doors painted in a red cross.
Even though he was barely out of the main space, he couldn't seem to recall anything that'd happened today, other than the roaring emotions that came with them.
It was as if his mind were locked behind a thick wall of clouds. He couldn't seem to focus on anything, his own trains of thought trailing off into confusion.
He knew Caine had been telling them something, and knew there was a conversation that followed, all only just a few moments ago.
But right now? Everything felt years away. As if a distant memory.
If anyone noticed the rabbits' uncharacteristic behavior, they didn't say anything. Or maybe they did, and he'd been too dazed to hear it.
He hadn't processed he was standing at his door until the loud chirps of conversation bled into the quiet hallway.
Blinking in an attempt of clarity, he brought his eyes back to the keys with an uncomfortable feeling of anxiety in his chest.
Jax wasn't sure he could be the funny one right now.
Though, as he stared at the keys in his hands, his mind seemed to blank.
Frustration simmered in his gut as he tried to focus on them. Find his keys. It was simple.
His breaths began to quicken as he shuffled the various keys, none seeming any more familiar.
Voices seemed to edge in closer, he could hear their footsteps now. He needed to get away!
Keys flashed between each other, his brain finding them as incomprehensible as an alien object.
Come on!
He wanted to pull his ears, to smash his head against the wall. Anything to get him to think straight.
Closer. They were getting closer. He needed to do something.
They can't see me like this!
He shook his head, in the hopes of clearing it. Yet, fixing his eyes back on his hands, his frustration only grew at his lack of recognition.
The feeling only seemed to bleed into the anxious thrum of his chest, and desperation was beginning to seep in the mix.
His breath was coming in small gasps now, his panic fighting with his need for secrecy in the act of being as unnoticeable as possible.
Pupils wide, mouth down turned, he'd have a hard time playing it off, especially right now. Please.
He needed his key now.
Heart beating loud enough that he was convinced the whole circus would be able to hear, he desperately shoved a random key into his door knob.
It rattled in the lock, but stubbornly refused to turn the handle. Wrong.
Footsteps sounded closer yet, and time seemed to both speed up and slow at the same time.
Another key hustled into the hole. Wrong.
Jax glanced as a figure began to round the corner, his heart racing harder as they came slowly into view.
Another key rattled in the knob.
His vision blurred in and out as they spotted him, pausing in their step as they locked eyes with the distressed rabbit.
Its over. They'll know. They'll know you're weak!
A sharp breath ripped through his lungs, as if he were breathing in airborne anxiety. Time only seemed slowed as another began to turn the corner.
His emotions soared over him at the blurry blues and reds that accompanied the frozen doll, his breaths ragged and uncontrolled as everything crashed into him at once.
Pain- not just from the physical sensation of pulling and stretching of his ears and neck.
‘You’re not committing! Do it.’
The feeling of self-sabotaging, of hurting with intent.
‘If I shoot you, will we still be friends?’
The feeling of spitting words he could only wish would convince himself more than they looked to convince himself.
‘We were never friends.’
The overwhelming Guilt of all the things he's done. Of everything he's undeniably responsible for.
‘What would you do if I abstracted tomorrow?’
Click.
Everything sped up once more as Jax’s door opened. Sense came back to him in the Searing, stabbing pain that felt like more than the embodiment of his emotions.
A horrified gasp met his ears as he bundled into his door as fast as he possibly could, chest thumping, panicked still, as if he were a cornered animal.
He threw his back against the door, his breathing erratic with anxiety that only seemed to rise at the thought of the other circus residents.
They'd seen him.
Anger, fiercer than he'd felt in a while, reared up in his chest like wood to a furnace.
Self-loathing felt especially piercing with his stupidity, why couldn't he have just-!?
He felt as if no words could explain his thoughts- as if his mind were nothing more than the primal rage of self-hate and his own mistakes.
But just as quickly as it'd soared- it twisted into an anxious frustration that only seemed to amp the pain in his arm up.
What?
Opening his eyes wide in an instant, he moved to stare at his suddenly injured arm.
What?
He couldn't breathe.
This couldn't be real.
Black spikes were twitching, snaking up to cover his forearm in a gruesome, terrifying series of glitches.
No.
This can't be happening.
Jax couldn't abstract.
He didn't want to die yet!
His chest burned, horror swirling as he choked on his own lack of air.
Oh God.
‘I'd move on. And probably forget about you.’
His ears were ringing, and he felt a garbled whine squeak from his throat.
He couldn't abstract. Not now.
He wouldn't.
Jax wouldn't abstract today.
He needed to calm down. It'd be fine. He'd be okay.
He tried to gulp in the oxygen his chest craved, the air felt thick against his throat, and he coughed ungracefully.
Breathe!
He tried to recall the breathing exercises Ragatha had talked him through when everything had been okay between them.
‘-Breathe with me Jax.’ She held her hand up in front of the breathless rabbit. They were in the bathrooms of the circus, cold and alone. ‘In, Out.’ The doll coached softly, slowly ticking down on her fingers with each breath.
Jax had thought of it as stupid before, stubbornly refusing to consider the exercise. He was supposed to be the funny one. He wasn't weak, he didn't need something as stupid as this.
But right now, Jax's only priority was saving himself from abstraction. His eyes stung and he hated the wetness that remained on his cheek when he blinked, he hated crying.
Trying to ignore his thoughts, he focused on his breathing.
He counted down in his head, imagining a hand, lowering a finger each number.
1, 2, 3- 1, 2, 3, 4, 5.
His breathing stuttered through a cough, struggling to gulp in the air that he so desperately needed.
1, 2, 3, 4, 5.
He closed his eyes, focusing on the numbers and the hand in his head.
1, 2, 3, 4, 5,
The gulps became slowler, his coughs easing off gradually.
1, 2, 3, 4, 5,
He began to slump against the door, gasping gulps turning into huffs puffs as continued.
1, 2, 3, 4, 5,
1, 2, 3, 4, 5.
1, 2, 3,
Jax let out a long sigh, knocking his head softly against the door.
His breathes were lighter now, coming in heavy, but closer to a normal, inhale and exhale.
Slowly, his breathing returned to a slightly laboured pattern.
He blinked open his eyes blearily. His surroundings came to him in a tired haze, but not in a blur.
Jax had been exhausted before, and now he felt bone tired.
But…
He did it.
A strange relief flooded his limbs as he gazed at his arm, it's black, spiky exterior reduced to a glitching mess.
It wasn't completely gone, he knew.
But the worst of it was over.
He was okay.
Jax was okay.
Slowly, the numbness of his panic faded, and the ringing of his ears let way for the sound around him.
The shuffling of feet outside his door dreadfully reminded him he'd have to see Caine about the glitching.
An uncomfortable anxiety swirled in his chest, but he kept it contained. He was already beginning to feel loathing towards almost abstracting.
This was weak.
Jax narrowed his eyes, a simmering anger, low but deep, growled within his chest.
He should've been better than this.
Closing his eyes, attempting to brush the feelings off, he took a deep breath.
Surely, he could take a five minute rest before telling Caine.
He just needed a break. Just for a few minutes, then he'd find Caine.
Jax leaned against the door, and didn't fight when sleep tugged his worn mind in.