Chapter Text
“IT APPEARS A NEW HUMAN HAS ENTERED THIS REALM!!!!!!!” Caine screams.
Everyone looked at Caine immediately.
Zooble KNOWS that he’s ’better now’ (and yes, that’s in quotes, but to be fair a lot of the adventures they used to do, turned into activities. It hasn’t been that bad actually.) but hearing his over enthusiastic yelling… about that-…
It’s someone’s life, getting stuck forever in this digital world. And Caine seems so fucking happy about it.
The others seem to be tense, looking at Caine with uneasy expressions. But they all get up anyways.
Caine rushes off, fast, but not unfollowable.
A figure in the distance. Standing.
No… it’s not. (It can’t be?)
Pomnis the first to speak, running faster “JAX?!!” She runs and runs.
“Oh my god-“ ragatha breaths “it’s really him-“ she matched pomnis speed, running up to the main stage.
Jaxs(?) eyes widen, stumbling back.
Pomni stops before reaching him, and the others all run to catch up with her.
“Uh-…” Jax stares at them. Wide eyed.
That. Fucking. Asshole.
Zooble feels tears in their eyes.
THAT FUCKING ASSHOLE-?! THEY THOUGHT HE- EVERYONE! (He made them cry. He made them worry. He made gangle upset. All of them. They thought he was gone. They all thought so.)
“Jax- you’re back?!” pomni cries. Taking a step closer. (But Jax moves back.)
“How are you back?” Ragatha is the second voice, she seems on the verge of tears as well, she looks at kinger “how is he back?!”
“I- I don’t-“ kinger shakes his head. “I don’t know”
“What-“ Jax’s hand touch his face immediately, looking down. “Riley?” He looks around “uh-“
Zooble wants to say something, they want to scream, and their voice is right there, just about to come out. But it stays stuck. Staring daggers at Jax (it seems everyone else is in a similar state.)
“Jax?” Pomni asks again. (They hear her voice cut off, like she wanted to say something else.)
Jax notably is trying to avoid eye contact with all of them, instead moving back once more.
Jax looks up slightly, looking around. “RILEY!??? It- it worked- I can’t-“ his hands go back to his face, trying to pull “Riley?? What’s-? Where what is this-“ Jax’s breathing is heavy. “The headset- it- is-“ his eyes dart from side to side.
Does he… not remember.
The room is quiet except for Jax’s breathing. Zooble wonders why Caine hasn’t said anything yet, and they give a glance to the sky (Caine seems frozen in mid air, hearts in his eyes… okay whatever.)
Their voice finally comes, breaking the silence. They don’t know what to say. What would they even say? “This better not be a fucking prank” it comes out quiet, they can’t tell if it’s meant to be a threat or a wish. They don’t even know what the prank would be, jax losing memories? Jaxs abstraction? Or just Jax coming back in the first place. It just feels wrong. All of it. Like they’re about to get the meanest joke played on them.
Jax stops looking around, and instead looks directly at Zooble, eyebrows tilted “Riley?…” he takes a step towards them “what’s-? What’s going on?”
(Everyone’s looking at them now.)
They’re not…
(Their name IS Riley in the real world, isn’t it? But a lot of people are named that.)
“WOWOWOWOW WOW WOW WOW!!!!! YOU CAME BACK!!!!! JAX YOU ACTUALLY CAME BACK!!!!!” Caine finally stopped being frozen, frailing around happily. “I HAVE TO MAKE A WELCOMING PARTY!!! ILL BE BACK!” And Caine vanishes.
Jax’s eyes glance at Caine, but go back to Zooble. Before hands go back to reach his face, breath uneven. “What’s going on.” It’s a whisper.
“Jax… you don’t remember us?” Pomni then says. They know it’s the truth. But they want so badly for Jax to stop, stand up straight and then laugh, saying ‘I got you didn’t I’.
Jax is struggling to breathe.
“Hey it’s going to be okay!” Ragatha says quickly, pomni just stands where “I’m sorry, we’re just as confused as you are-“ her voice struggles to speak
Jax catches his breath well enough, tensing in on himself, and pointedly glares at her. Taking another step away. (Then looking back at Zooble. The glare fades as he reaches their eyes, almost softening) before shakily pointing at them. “I know Riley.”
Quiet.
Fuck.
(Jax wasn’t there when Caine said all their names.)
What are they meant to say. What even can they say? Ragatha and pomni take a step back. (Jax detenses at this.) his mouth quivers. They should say something, but god damn it what would they say.
“You put on a headset right?” Gangle then says.
For once Jax looks at someone who’s not them without a glare. He nods shakily.
“We all did that, and when that happens we get uhm… stuck here… kinda” gangle holds her arm, rubbing it. (Zooble wants to say something. To add onto the comfort that gangle is so obviously trying to give. To help gangle out. But Zooble can’t. And it seems like the others are just as frozen as them.)
Jax shakes his head “no- no it didn’t happen last time” he shakes his head harder “it was broken-!!”
Shit. Shit. Shit.
“Hey?” Gangles voice is small, she sounds on the verge of tears herself, wait she took off her comedy mask. “I know this is- bad” she takes a step closer (Jax doesn’t move back) “but when you put on the headset it makes a… mind clone of you?” She looks over at kinger (who nods after a second) “it’s something like that. So it did uh…”
Jax just looks at her.
Then falls to the ground “how do I- leave?” (Their Jax hadn’t wanted to leave.)
“You can’t…” gangle frowns “but you’re still out there. In the real world.”
“Oh-… oh god-“ Jax covers his mouth.
Gangle takes a step closer, then sits down next to him “I know-“ her voice breaks.
…
It’s quiet for a moment, but gangle stays with him.
Ragatha mutters “how did…” they don’t bother to look at her, eyes still stuck to gangle and Jax. (This is insane.)
“He must’ve put the headset on again.” Pomni then says.
“That makes the most sense” kinger then adds.
Zooble still didn’t look at them, watching Jax ear twitch, clearly he can hear them, he knows something is going on. Zooble should explain it, Zooble should help gangle, or one of them should at least. But they’re frozen.
Gangle helps Jax off the ground. Saying something to him, he nods. They start to walk off.
“O-oh!!!!” Ragatha then says “we didn’t introduce ourselves, sorry”
Jax doesn’t say anything
“I was going to show Jax his room.” Gangle then says.
“Oh.” Ragatha frowns. “Uhm, well I’m ragatha, that’s pomni, kinger, and uhm… i guess you know Zooble?” Ragatha trails off. Jax doesn’t say a word, and Zooble sees sweat drip down her face “yeah!! Enjoy your room, if you need anything uhm…. Yeah!!” She turns around.
Jax continues to follow gangle (should Zooble follow them too…?)
No one was helping gangle with this. Which is… fine. But she couldn’t help but feel… strange. Mostly. She hadn’t wanted to be the one to do all this, she was hoping pomni would step up and help (but pomni and Jax were closer. And this Jax seemed pretty put off by her.) so here she was. Alone with Jax, walking to his room.
And it still has the X on it.
Of course. (They should ask Caine to get rid of it… no wait she can do that now right?… maybe if she just….) Okay. The X is gone.
“This is your room” she says.
Jax looks at the door. Still not saying anything.
So she opens it (it feels wrong. Jax wouldn’t want her in his room… but she looks at Jax (HOW WEIRD IS THAT?! THIS IS SO WEIRD SHES TRYING NOT TO FREAK OUT OR CRY, BUT THIS IS SO WEIRD.) Jax doesn’t seem to care.) she keeps the door open for him.
“So this is uh… it.”
She’s never seen the room before. And Jax walks in. She waits in the hall, looking at the floor.
“Why aren’t you coming in?” Jax speaks, apprehensive, as if gangles tricking him.
She quickly takes a step in “sorry” she looks to the wall, finding a light switch. Then she turns it on.
After a moment she looks out the doorway, then closes it. Jax probably doesn’t want anyone else seeing what his room looks like.
“Pretty… I guess.” He then says.
She wants to curl up and die. (The room is very pretty. And yes, of course she misses Jax. She… doesn’t know. It’s complicated. She wanted him back, she didn’t want him to die. But she also didn’t want to be stuck with him. He’s going to find a reason to blame the pretty room on her. And she’s going to get the worst of it.) she doesn’t say anything. Doesn’t risk it.
Jax goes to a mirror “oh.” He says. “Damnit.” He says it under his breath.
Leeroy looks in the mirror. A purple bunny, with pink overalls. It looks stupid, though she doesn’t mind the color… or the face, not too much. If she was a fictional character she’d maybe even buy a plushie of the design… but being it?… she wasn’t sure.
The room was much the same. Pink, and pastels littered the room, with pretty rainbows and stars (she did like the stars.)
…but it all felt like putting paint over a broken shelf. It didn’t fix anything. (Her room in the real world wasn’t becoming this but… not exactly, she was working on it. So she should be happy to have it handed to her. A room that felt like her. She was not.)
She wanted to go back to her real room, white walls, with bland shelves, filled with cute figures she had gotten from mystery boxes. Thrift store flower print blankets, along with the one stuffed animal sally gave to her. It wasn’t much, but she made it. She was building it up with the money she had. Every item she bought had felt like a step closer to the real her.
This room was everything she could want. But she hadn’t made it.
The body felt similar. It’s cute. She can say that… but… she missed her hair.
Whatever. It doesn’t matter.
This isn’t real. Because obviously. Obviously it isn’t. This is a dream? Or a game? Or maybe someone drugged her (or Riley finally convinced her to try weed.)
Most importantly it didn’t feel real. It was a dream or something.
(It had to be. She’s gotten weird dreams before…)
She opened her mouth. But nothing came out.
She closes and opens her hand. Maybe if she… she lifts up her hand, and puts it on her forearm, pinching it.
Oh.
It hurt.
… okay. That’s just a trope isn’t it? That doesn’t actually mean anything? Maybe it WOULD hurt in a dream. She doesn’t actually know (she’s thinking a lot for a dream… god what else would this be though?)
“Damnit.” She says again. What else is there to say.
“Sorry.” Gangle says again. She looks nervous. Leeroy doesn’t care.
She goes to the bed. She sits on it. Just looking on the floor.
“I mean… we can uhm… change up your room if you want?” Gangle then says. As if that’s her problem.
She doesn’t say anything.
“You can uh… make stuff here! And put it in your room… yeah. I can show you!” Gangle is still talking about the room thing.
She doesn’t say anything.
“Uhm… just think about it, but not too hard, try not to tense up… uhh”
Leeroy finally looks at her, gangles eyes are closed and she breathes in and out.
In front of her appears a book. Huh.
“See! I made a diary, but you can make whatever you want!“
Fine. Jax closes her eyes.
She imagines a book. Right in front of her. Her junk journal.
She opens her eyes and oh. It’s there.
She opens it up. It’s empty.
“You can make other stuff too-“ gangle says awkwardly. “You could even change the colors of the wall here-!” Gangle closes her eyes and the room becomes a darker blue.
…
Leeroy closes her eyes and makes it pink again.
“Uhm. Yeah!” Gangle smiles very nervously. “It works for uh, anything really… that you want to change. There’s no real limits I think?”
No limits…?
…huh.
.
.
.
Gangle says something else. She doesn’t really listen. Eventually she leaves.
…
Maybe Leeroy will wake up soon.
.
.
.
Jax has learned a lot of things in the few days she’s spent here.
First thing, her name is Jax now? Apparently??? They keep calling her it and she’s far too tired to correct them (what would she even say? Leeroy? Leeroy is her name but it’s not… it’s a fine name. But she doesn’t know. At least she knows some version of her picked Jax. And Jax sounds cool at least??? Though this whole thing is kinda giving off cult vibes.)
The second thing is that she doesn’t really like anyone here. Obviously she likes Riley, they’re the best. But she hasn’t gotten the chance to talk with them. Kingers weird. Ragatha reminds her of her mom (better than her mom, but still. The discomfort is there.). Gangle would be cool, but she seems scared of her?
And pomni…
(Their conversation is a blur. Jax is sitting far to the side, not listening.
Everyone is so insistent everything is back to normal. She doesn’t even know what normal is in this world. She didn’t even know what she used to do.
“We’ve never had someone put on the headset twice.” It’s the teeth guy… she doesn’t know his name.
“You think he’s okay?” Ragatha says “I mean knowing what we now know?” Oh god they’re talking about her.
She tries her best to fill her mind with static. Just don’t listen to what they’re saying.
“-I mean we don’t need to forgive him-“ don’t listen. “JAX! What are you doing?!” Suddenly everyone’s looking at her.
Ragatha looks mad. For whatever reason.
“What?”
“No feet up on the couch” ????? It’s a digital world??? Why is that a rule???
She glares at her.
It’s not even her fault??? She didn’t know that.
“We even have a sign up!” Ragatha points to… oh yeah. there is a sign that says that.
It’s still stupid. It’s not like she was putting her feet up on purpose to piss off ragatha specifically, so why is she acting like she is???
“Whatever” she rolls her eyes, but moves so she’s sitting with her feet down.
Ragatha glares at her.
“Sorry mom” she says sarcastically. (Looking at Riley… Riley doesn’t laugh. Huh. Weird.)
“OH DONT YOU-“ a scream, and pomni pulls ragatha back.
Mumbling something “he doesn’t know” YEAH! She doesn’t?!!!
Eventually ragatha takes a breath and begins to talk to them. Seeming to calm down, she speaks so quietly that Jax couldn’t hear her even if she wanted too. Which she doesn’t.
Trying to think of anything else. But it’s so hard when they’re mumbling.
Conversation snippets force their way down her ears.
A “that sucks.-“ Then a “I know-“. Then a “I don’t think he meant-“ but the conversation fades in and out.
Until she hears pomni clear as day “let’s not do that- Jax’s mom is… dead”
Before she knows it an audible “what?” Falls out of her mouth.
And suddenly everyone’s looking at her with wide eyes. Maybe don’t gossip about her when she’s literally in the same room-?!!
But whatever “my mom’s alive” why would she think her mom died?????????
Pomnis sweating “sorry-“ she says quickly “I just- thought- I mean before you uh-“
“I told you my mom died?” It wasn’t- no no. It’s not. Why would she say that? Jax is standing up now, taking a step closer so she doesn’t have to scream across the room.
Ragatha glares as her, getting in between her and pomni “she didn’t mean it like that! You see pomni kinda saw some of your memories when you uh…” (that’s another thing. She apparently ‘abstracted’… she doesn’t know what that means.)
But… memories. (The push.) “THATS NOT-“ too loud- shit she lowers her voice “my mom’s fine, and I don’t appreciate you sharing things that you know NOTHING about!” This isn’t about the push right? It can’t be. It’s not-
“Jax…” pomnis voice is small “I’m sorry for over sharing, I really shouldn’t have said that. I know that was a lot for you and-“
“OH MY GOD. You don’t even KNOW! I was-“ it’s definitely about the push “that was YEARS AGO!! I thought she was dead for like TWO DAYS! I was Catastrophizing, YOU DIDNT EVEN KNOW THAT! WHY WOULD YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT IT- I don’t even know you-?!!”
She’s been past this. ALL OF THIS. She had thought her mom was dead for a little.When she first started being homeless. (When she was spiraling. It was an inside thought. A what if, almost intrusive. Cause by the panic of the whole situation. She never told anyone about it. Why would she? It’s not like her mom had been killed. Her mom was barely even hurt. Yet here pomni is. Sinking into the depth of her mind and showing it off to the class!)
But after like a week she knew she was fine! After she found a home she even went back to apologize!!! Her mom’s still… weird. But they talk. That was so long ago… and of course she remembers that day. It’s more of the feelings of that day than the actual memory…
(And pomni still calls her he. If she saw her memories shouldn’t she know? Pomni didn’t mind sharing the push but she left out the trans thing? Either she’s an asshole, or just stupid.)
it all sucks. And some woman she doesn’t even know is trying to tell everyone about it?)
She doesn’t like pomni.
She’s been in her room since yesterday. When that had happened.
Now everyone’s mad at her. Ragatha had said something when she left. She doesn’t remember what. But she heard them when they thought she wasn’t listening. Huddled whispers to each other.
She had tried to redecorate her room a bit. A shelf here and there. She doesn’t know. A calendar. June 9th. That was the day she had gotten here. She crossed off the days as the past. Today is June 11. Her birthday is June 14th. That’s in 3 days.
In her hand is a key.
Gangle said it was limitless right? She plans on making it back home before her birthday.
A notebooks on her desk. Plans, most crossed off. But there’s more.
This is day one.
“What’s Jax doing?” Pomni then asked, very suddenly.
It’s still weird for ragatha. To have him back, and so suddenly. (A part of her couldn’t help but question why? Why had Jax come back but ribbit hadn’t… or kaufmo or any of the others of course.)
It was all strange. She kept seeing Jax pacing back and forth, grabbing things in the circus. And there’d be a moment where she wouldn’t even question it. Like it’s all back to normal.
“I don’t know” ragatha spoke, then seeing pomnis worried face she quickly added “This is pretty normal for him” seeing Jax walk by again, carrying a bag from the arts and crafts room “he likes bringing stuff to his room” he had done it a lot when he first arrived, though it was mostly with food back then. Sometimes a week later she’d see him walking back with an item he took, and putting it exactly back in place. Never with food though. She never really understood it. It was probably just for prank planning.
“I never saw him do it before.”
“He has” she’s seen it “he just got sneaker about it over time.”
“Why…?”
Ragatha frowns. She had asked about it before, hadn’t she? “I think he uses them for pranks? He said he wanted to see what everything did?” It was one of those two she thinks? Though she supposes it doesn’t really explain the food… huh.
Pomni nods anyways “I guess that makes sense. Jax always seemed to know the most about this place… well” she glances at kinger “as much as he could I guess.”
Yeah. That’s fair. Ragatha nods. Slumped over on pomnis side.
They had gotten a lot closer. Especially after Jax’s abstraction.
Half of her almost worried that Jax coming back would break them apart. Though she throws those thoughts to the side, it’s a good thing that Jax came back.
“I wish I could talk to him.” Pomni then says, suddenly.
Ragatha smiles, opening her mouth. But it dries out. She understands completely what she means. “It was my fault anyways… for bringing up the mom thing” technically Jax had brought it up. But as pomni later pointed out to her he probably didn’t know about her own struggles with her mom.
“It wasn’t, and I really shouldn’t have said-“ pomni sighs. “I just want him to feel comfortable.”
Ragatha leans back, off pomni.
Because that’s what she was doing wasn’t it? Trying to make Jax feel uncomfortable. Like he had done to her. Wanting to bring up Jax’s family because deep down she DID know that it was as messed up as hers.
But in doing so she hurt pomni and Jax… and she didn’t want to. Not really. She just wishes he could understand the pain she felt. (but it’s not the same. This Jax doesn’t know about her mom. Or that no feet on the couch sign.) As Jax put it, he doesn’t even know who they are… why did that hurt so much to hear.
It hurt pomni too. She knew it did.
She’s just so mad! So mad he’d go off and abstract. And just come back like nothing happened- and so mad at everything he’s done! She’s trying to miss him! She really is, but everytime Jax looks at her it’s the same glare. And she hates it.
Even now, as Jax goes back and forth, whenever their eyes meet, it’s always with a glare.
“You think I should apologize to him again?” Pomni asks.
Ragatha doesn’t think that would work. But she smiles anyways, she doesn’t want to see pomni sad “I think he just needs time.”
And pomni nods.
.
Crossed off.
Crossed off.
Yesterday was a dud so what?! It’s June 12th. Day 2. But she still has more to test.
She’s tried just… imagining she’s back in the real world. She’s been able to make some trees, a portal to a shopping mall? But all of it looked really messed up. (Empty buildings with walls not connecting, every word written on the signs were gibberish. And it was never more than one room. Almost like someone had 3D modeled a single photograph and nothing more. Abruptly cut off) And most importantly they weren’t the real world, just a bad imitation of it.
Which is FINE! Honestly she’d be more suppressed if that had worked! What no one thought about just leaving? So yeah. That was fine.
She made a vr headset, and a computer. And put it back on. It didn’t do anything, and she imagined that taking it off would lead her to the real world. It didn’t.
She has emptied and replaced three rooms (there’s an art room, a break room, and another one that she has no clue what it’s supposed to be.) the only thing she found of note is, ironically, a note. Written by someone she doesn’t know. A glitched out hole puncher, that keeps clipping through the floor, and a camera.
She of course went through her room too, she did that before changing anything.
The photos next to her bed were interesting. All of them was of her and two other people she hasn’t seen, a frog and a clown (and no, not pomni. A different one.) they look happy.
(She had found scrapbooks too, all of similar pictures of her the frog and clown. What happened to them?)
Her room is clean again. She made sure of it, she couldn’t live in an uncleaned space, not again.
She put the three objects on her table.
The hole puncher she had gotten from the break room. It was the least noticeable out of all of them.
The camera was shoved in a box on the highest shelf in the arts and crafts room, she was able to get a ladder to reach it. There was a strap on it, it was rainbow, on it in marker was written ‘Jax.’ The camera was pink, and covered in stickers. It definitely seemed like it used to be hers.
The note was in the break room. She saw the paper in between the fridge and the counter.
On it were a lot of drawings, scribbles. A lot of doors with the word exit written on them.
‘There’s a way to leave. -kaumfo’
She doesn’t know a kaufmo. And if anything that just affirms that there really is a way to leave.
She has her list.
‘EXIT PLAN:
imagining
vr headset
portals
clear the circus
bottom of lake
Ferris wheel
Clip through floor
Other tent
Void
Under couch
Lamppost
Exit door.’
She still has a lot more to try.
Jax hasn’t been out of his room all day.
This whole thing sucked. It really did. No one wanted to say it, but gangle knew it all sucked. Especially after Jax yelling at pomni the other day, no one wanted to be the one to talk with him.
‘He needs space’
That’s what everyone agreed on. (But isn’t space what made him abstract in the first place?) she doesn’t want to be here. Standing in front of his room.
But she is anyways.
Because yesterday Jax had at least left his room, but today she hasn’t heard a peep. And she just can’t- she can’t have him abstracting again. She wouldn’t be able to take it, none of them would.
So she knocks.
…
A pause.
“What?!” It’s yelled through the door.
“UHM!! Could I- come in??? Or?”
An annoyed sigh, but the door opens.
Jax’s room looks… weirdly clean. And a little different, but not really in the way she expected??
Everyone had seen him taking a bunch of stuff to his room, so she assumed it’d be a mess. And the walls were still pink, and so was… honestly most of it. It’s definitely cute. She just hadn’t expected Jax to stick with it.
“What???” Jax seems annoyed. And gangle wants to cry.
“Sorry- Caine uh… is still planning that welcome party for you… but hm…” this is so awkward. Jax is fine. He’s glaring at her like he always does. And she doesn’t have a good reason to be bothering him “just wanted to check up on you-“ (the words ‘I know it’s a lot’ almost come out of her mouth… but that’s what pomni had said.)
“Okay.” Jax says. “That’s it?”
She nods.
And the door is slammed shut.
Her comedy mask immediately breaks, from embarrassment alone.
She’s so dumb. Everyone told her Jax needed space and she didn’t listen.
She just wants to cry.
So she heads back to the main hall. And sits on the couch.
…
Zooble notices her immediately.
“Are you okay?!” They ask.
“Yeah… just… checked up on Jax… I don’t think he wants company” it was supposed so come out as a joke… she thinks anyway.
“Asshole.” Zooble says “I’ll beat him up for you” they always know what to say.
She can’t help but laugh “thanks… but it’s not that bad… I think… god” she sighs “I don’t know. It’s a lot”
“It’s still Jax though” they say “even if he abstracted, it doesn’t excuse all the shit he’s done. Especially to you”
.
.
.
She wakes up the next morning, face full of teeth. Caines teeth that is.
“GANGLE DO YOU THINK JAX WANTS ROSES OR LILACS!!!”
“Uhhhhhhhh”
Caines been on this welcome party for a while, trying to make it perfect. Because this is the first time something like this has ever happened (honestly she can’t blame him. It’s basically someone coming back from the dead. It’s pretty insane. Especially to someone like Caine, whose whole world is inside the circus.)
“Why not both?” She tries to smile, but honestly she can’t help but think that Jax won’t care about this party. And she really doesn’t want to see it break caines heart.
…
The day goes by. She doesn’t bother knocking on Jax’s door. And he still doesn’t come out of his room.
Jax finds the exit door.
June 13th. The third day. The finale day before her birthday.
She allows a shaky smile to go over her.
She’s had used the hole puncher to clip through a wall next to a portal. Clipping through the floor wasn’t much use. But this wall.
It lead to a room.
It took her forever to find. There was some weird glitch with the shadows, and she had just KNOWN something was there.
And she was RIGHT!
An exit door. Almost looks like a fire escape. Bright red, with a simple logo on it. Exit. With a person running through a door.
Goodbye to this FUCKING HELLHOLE!
Her life. Her roommate. Sally- everything’s going to be back.
She puts her hand on the doorknob. It’s cold, it’s metal. It’s real. It has to be.
She closes her eyes.
And opens the door.
…
A building.
She steps through to an office building.
She’s still… too tall. Too thin. And purple.
That’s not….
Up ahead is another red exit door.
She opens it.
Not that one either.
Up ahead is another red exit door.
Then another.
Then another.
Then another.
Then…
The void.
Again.
She’s been there twice already. The first time Caine sent her back. The next was when she clipped through the floor. She stayed there for a while, floating. Until she reached an invisible wall. And then teleported herself back….
Would it hurt to try again.
She takes a step forward and floats….
…
…
She’s back in her room.
Tapping her foot. Looking at her list.
‘EXIT PLAN:
imagining
vr headset
portals
clear the circus
bottom of lake
Ferris wheel
Clip through floor
Other tent
Void
Under couch
Lamppost
Exit door.’
She crosses off exit door…
She had put a clock on her side table. A digital one, in red light it reads 11:57am.
She taps her pen.
Get her out of here.
Just let her leave.
When the clock strikes 12 she’ll leave.
She’s going to be out of here on her birthday.
Then everything will be fine.
She’ll laugh all of this off.
11:58.
She’s leaving.
She’s going to wake up at home.
On her bed.
With Sally’s cat.
With a text from Riley telling her to go to bed.
11:59.
Just one minute.
And she’s gone.
.
.
12:00.
.
She closes her eyes.
And opens them.
Damnit.
DAMNIT.
She can’t live like this, SHE CANT!
She throws her notebook (imagining it is stupid, she already crossed it off. Of course it wouldn’t work so why did she believe, for only a moment that she’d wake up at home.)
“Please be a dream” she speaks as if saying it out loud would make it true “or a bad trip” she’s never tried drugs before, please god let this be drugs. Let this be anything then what it is-
She can’t- she can’t stay here. Not in this stupid body, not with these people-?! She can’t breathe. Their words echoing in her head, always talking about her. Talking about her all wrong.
She needs Riley.
Her hands are on her door before she knows it.
She needs Riley. She needs to clean their room, or hug them, or do- something- something they always do when she gets like this (she needs to tell them too. That she’s a woman. She wasn’t going to bother, she was planning an escape and the others seemed…. More trouble than it’s worth. But she CANT stay here with no one knowing. She can’t do that again. And she doesn’t trust the others. But she trusts Riley.)
She shakily opens her door.
She walks down to the end of the hall. Where Riley and gangle are (she’s also noticed the frog and clown. But their images are crossed out… wasn’t hers too? Why is that? Abstraction? Maybe. She didn’t know.)
It doesn’t matter. She’s stuck here now. There’s no escape, not one she’s smart enough to think of. And right now she needs Riley.
She goes to their door, and knocks on it. Quick and harsh.
The triangle avatar stares at them from the plaque. she doesn’t really like the icons on the doors, it still feels weird (uncanny, like they’re watching her.)… but at least it makes it easy to know whose doors are whose.
She taps her foot as she hears nothing from the other side.
All the lights are off, she notices that normally the circus plays background music. But at the moment it seems to be more of wind ambience, maybe if she strains her ears she can hear a light piano… she was planning on getting a piano, obviously that would come far in the future but… now that futures gone isn’t it?
She knocks again, harder. She NEEDS Riley.
The door opens. And she comes face to face with them. The same triangle.
“What the fuck do YOU want. It’s midnight” harsh. Riley normally stays up late too, midnight may as well be midday to them but… maybe this one has a different sleep pattern, they might just be tired.
There’s too much that she wants. The real world, to be held, to have someone in this place not misgender her.
“Couldn’t sleep.” She says plainly.
“And how is that my problem?”
…
She doesnt know.
It’s not Riley’s problem. Of course. None of it is… but-
“Don’t think I’ll forget what you did to gangle!”
….? What did she do to gangle?????
“Don’t give me that.” Her face must’ve shown her confusion “you come back here and think everyone has to be nice to you because you abstracted, BUT YOURE STILL AN ASSHOLE!! You can’t just make everyone cry and get away with it! Just because I don’t want you dead doesn’t mean I like you. The only reason I’m not punching you in the face is because it would upset gangle more than she already is!”
The door slams.
.
She hears them. Walking off further in their room.
And she’s left outside.
A hand shoot’s up to her mouth. As a sob escapes.
She steps away from the door. Hand gripping her face as she wills it not to contort as tears run down her face.
Another step away.
Then another.
She runs back to her room.
THIS ISNT HER FAULT. HOW IS ANY OF THIS HER FAULT.
She can’t be here- she can’t be here anymore- this is a nightmare.
She can’t breathe- she can’t-
The notebook comes into view. As one idea pops into her head.
She shakes as she swipes it, grabbing her pen and writing one more idea, in hasty handwriting.
‘EXIT PLAN:
imagining
vr headset
portals
clear the circus
bottom of lake
Ferris wheel
Clip through floor
Other tent
Void
Under couch
Lamppost
Exit door
Abstract.’
She’s so dumb. That had been it hadn’t it. The crossed out doors, the people disappearing (she had abstracted before. That’s what they kept saying. There must’ve been a reason.)
Dying. Abstraction is obviously dying.
Her breath quickens, and in front of her she forms a knife. She hadn’t even realized until it reflected the little light that was in the room into her eyes.
Yes. Okay then. A knife.
She tries to bend over but ends up falling on the floor anyways. Whatever. At least she’s near it.
Her hands shake as she picks it up by the handle, almost dropping it.
Oh god was she going to do this.
Her breathing quicken. She can’t- she couldn’t breathe.
She takes the knife and aims it at herself, her chest. Is she doing this right?
Her hands shake.
She just has too- has to slam it in her. She can do that (her face cringes. As she tries to take a struggled breath in.)
If it works then she’ll be back. With Riley. On a plane. On her birthday. And she can forget all of this!
If it doesn’t…
She can’t be here. She can’t. She’s in the real world, that’s what they told her at least. She’s still living in the real world and that’s the only place she wants to live. She can’t be here.
(So why is this still so hard?)
She closes her eyes.
She can’t be here.
She just can’t.
And slams the knife in her chest.
.
She topples over, a scream trying to escape her mouth but she’s having too hard of a job breathing for it to leave properly.
Isn’t it going to work??
Her eyes open and vision blurs. She can’t breathe. It hurts, pain flows through her, sharp and sudden. But it doesn’t- she’s still here?! Why is she still here?!
She grips the handle of the knife.
And rips it out.
No blood, there’s not even a wound left behind.
Just the stinging pain, slowly fading. And her own breath ringing in her ear.
Oh god- she stabbed herself- and nothing happened. Shouldn’t something have happened?! How do people abstract if not this?! Is it not death-?! Is it-
She’s never getting out of here.
Another sob leaves, and tears flow down her face.
In a fit of rage the knife plummets back in her chest. In and out. Almost like butter. Each time it’s accompanied by a stinging pain, but never a mark.
A scream finally escapes her throat.
The knife clutters by her side.
She’s still here.
She’s still here.
Damnit.
A laugh tries to leave her.
It doesn’t.
There should be blood on the floor. There should be holes in her heart. Her eyes shouldn’t be open.
And yet.
She can’t stay in the room. The knife still by her side is the only thing that remains of what had happened, or more importantly what hadn’t.
It feels as if she’s in a crime scene. Like the room is suffocating her, walls slowly closing in, and she fears if she stays here it might.
She opens her door again. Pointlessly. It’s all pointless.
And runs back to Zoobles door (not Riley. Zooble.)
She doesn’t haven’t the heart to knock again. She just can’t stay in her room.
Everything hurt. Everything hurt so bad, yet none of it showed. Even if she sobbed loud enough Zooble wouldn’t stay. It’s not their problem. And she looks fine.
She looks at her hand and wills there to be blood. Closing her eyes and imagining it there-
And then it is.
Her breathing slows, as she tilts her hand, now covered in blood, it bright red, and wet, almost giving a painted look in its reflection.
The edges darken, it doesn’t scare her as much as she should. Its a cartoonish amount of blood, she’s bled a lot in the real world. Each time making her vomit profusely. Though now she just looks at it. the ridiculous amount of blood mixed with the purple of her skin (fur?) gave her enough disconnect to not feel uneasy. Like watching an unrealistic horror movie. Her chest seems to have the worst of it. But there are still no punctures.
It doesn’t make it hurt more. And eventually it’s quiet. All of it. Tears are still running down her face but she’s not even breathing.
Just starring.
.
A door opens. (Not the one next to her.)
“Oh.” It’s gangles voice. She sounds sad. More disappointed then surprised.
And Jax rips her eyes away to look at her.
She doesn’t look scared, or shocked. Face in a light frown, more confused than worried if anything.
“Summoned blood?”
It took her a moment, before she nodded.
“That’s not really…” gangle frowns “a good prank. We don’t even bleed here.”
…?
She doesn’t say anything. Just looking down at her hand.
“You shouldn’t really be pranking Zooble anyways.”
This is dumb.
“I didn’t.”
Of course gangle doesn’t care about what actually happened. It’s not her problem.
She wills the blood away, and suddenly she’s completely clean. As if it never existed. Because it didn’t. It’s all fake.
Then gangle is sitting next to her, on the floor “what were you doing then?” She asks.
There’s no good answer for that.
She wanted to feel real. She’s desperate for attention. She wants to look at the hurt she feels. “It was an accident” she decided on “I was just thinking about it.”
Gangle nods “I’ve been there.”
…
“Zooble wasn’t too upset? I told them not too- I just. I’m sorry” her voice was small.
Great.
Zooble had to be TOLD to go easy on her. And THAT was easy.
Fuck.
Riley hates her.
Tears start to form in her eyes once more (they had to be told- they hate her so much gangle had to beg them not to. What if gangle hadn’t?)
She just wants to leave.
“Oh.” Gangle says “I’m sorry.”
She feels horrible. This isn’t fair. None of it is. 23 years old and crying on the floor in front of someone she doesn’t even know.
She wipes the tears away.
“It’s fine.” Because what else is there to say? It’s not like she can’t leave. She’s stuck here. Forever. “What-“ her voice sounds bad, and she clears it “what do we even do here?”
“Huh?” Gangle gives her a confused look “oh- uhm… well we normally hang out… and uhm go on adventures!” Gangle smiles “there’s these portals everywhere, they lead to different places. Sometimes there’s a story, sometimes it just looks pretty…”
Jax has seen some of them (she’s gone in a few, but never stayed for long.) the others go in them a lot. She’s never joined them so far.
“How about you join us tomorrow… or this morning I guess? I think ragatha said something about swimming.”
…
Is this really her life now? Just hanging out with a bunch of people she either hates, or hates her.
“No im okay.”
Gangle nods sadly. “Okay… but it could be fun?”
Jax isn’t interested. (She just wants to leave) “what’s with the… X’ed out doors?” She then asks.
Gangle frowns (looking at the clown door) “they abstracted.”
“How does that work?” Because it’s not death, or at least it isn’t caused by the same things. Maybe gangle can give her a clear answer, and she can finally leave.
Gangle looks uncomfortable “I’m not really the best to ask about it- kinger probably is… but everyone says it happens when you uh… lose your mind.”
What the fuck does that mean?!!! she literally stabbed herself?! She thought she was going to die. And still she did it. How does that not count as ‘loosing your mind’?!??
She stabbed herself so many times.
It still hurts.
And she’s still here.
“Oh. Okay.” What else was she meant to say. She wanted to push. But she doubts gangle would tell her anything.
Gangle still looks worried.
She should leave. This whole thing is dumb. She doesn’t even know why she’s back here. She doesn’t even know where to go. Back to her room? To somewhere else in the circus? She doesn’t know.
She puts her hand on the ground, trying to help lift her off.
But her chest aches.
And she falls back down pathetically.
It doesn’t matter. She can stay here too. None of it matters.
“Do you need help?” Gangle is now turned over to her. Standing up, Hand reaching out.
… Jax takes the hand. And gangle helps pull her up.
She stumbles, and cringes at the feeling in her chest.
“Are you hurt?” Gangle then asks (it’s not like she was hiding it.)
“Fell.”
Gangle frowns “it shouldn’t still hurt, the pain receptors aren’t very high here” whatever the hell that meant.
“I-“ she clears her throat “I was holding scissors in my room, and I tripped.”
Gangle nods in understanding “is that why you summoned the blood”
“Yeah.” It’s close enough.
“I’m sorry” gangle says once more “we can’t really die here, not from anything like that… but I know how it feels. I’ve been chopped up and- yeah. It sucks.”
Great. She LOVES to hear that.
“Sorry! I didn’t mean to scare you- sorry I just-“ gangle takes a breath in and out “do you want to come in my room?”
She hasn’t been in gangles room (she hasn’t been in anyone’s. The doors are locked, so she just had to hope nothing useful was in them.) she nods.
The door opens and the room is… dark and messy. Papers everywhere, pencils on the floor (did she throw them??? Literally how else would that have happened.) and bed unmade.
“Sorry” gangle says again “I’ll clean it” she breathes in and out, getting ready to snap her fingers (not fingers, but the slit in her ribbon)
“Wait-“ Jax speaks before she can think about it. “Let me”
Gangle paused, just standing there awkwardly.
Why did she say that- to no longer make eye contact with gangle, Jax rushed off, picking up all the pencils and papers off the floor and placing them neatly on her desk (this is weird why is she doing this.)
She takes a breath and tries to imagine it’s Riley’s room. It’s not that Jax LIKES cleaning. She hates it most the time, which is why she always makes sure her room is neat, if you keep up with it you don’t have to clean a lot.
Riley however, is a mess. She can’t stand it. But sometimes it’s nice. To pick stuff off the floor, sweep, or organize a desk. She doesn’t care much for it, but when she’s stressed out it helps distract her (and living in a mess can’t help but remind her of when she didn’t have a home. It feels nice to feel like her biggest problems are doing dishes or taking out the trash. Maybe that’s why she likes it.) she still makes a big deal out of it ‘you’re so messy, seriously how long has that been in the fridge???’ But it feels nice to be in a space where she can have time and energy to clean… maybe that’s stupid.
Gangles room wasn’t very hard to pick up. It was mostly just putting stuff on her desk. But it helped. Just a bit. Jax isn’t touching the bed though, that’s not on her!
“Okay”
“You really didn’t have too- but thanks-“ gangle then says. She seems confused, but whatever. She’s too tired to explain it. She doesn’t even know how she would.
Gangle then goes to the bed, and flattens out the sheets. “You can sit down, or lay down. If you want.”
So she does.
“Youknow… I think going on an adventure would be good for you.”
She really doesn’t want to.
This sucks. All of it. “Maybe.”
“Yeah.” Gangle then says “it’s better then it was before! At least- Caine used to make us go on adventures he’d choose but… they were always violent”
Jax doesn’t care to hear that this shitty situation used to be worse. That doesn’t mean much to her.
“Do you want to go to sleep”
She doesn’t want to talk. She doesn’t know what she wants (no, she DOES. She wants to go home. That’s all she wants.)
“Okay” gangle mumbles. “Is there anything you wanted to do? Like… anything? Ever?” She then asks. “Because anything’s possible here, really!” She smiles.
“I want to go home.”
That cuts the conversation really quick.
There’s a pause.
“I want to go home too.” Gangle then said. (Jax looks at her.) “I mean- I… it’s weird. I feel like I never really appreciated what I had there. And Caine told us all about what we’re doing in the real world and I-“ she takes off her face… mask?? And tears fall from her eyes. “I know I technically HAVE it. But I wish I was able to experience… living my dream? Doing art for an audience. Like-! I got there and I don’t even get to see it!”
“Yeah” Jax says. Because she gets it. She understands that “today’s my birthday.”
“Oh.” It’s light “Oh.” Then gangles voice is grim.
“And I- I’m probably on a plane right now, halfway to California- me and Riley were planning to go to Disney. I’ve never been to a theme park before. And I KNOW I’m there and with them and- I saved up so much for this trip but-…” she’s there. On the plane right now. But she doesn’t even get to see it “it feels worse than being dead. At least if I was it wouldn’t be my problem anymore.”
“jax” gangles voice sounded stressed. “I- please don’t-“ gangle shuffles awkwardly, more of her crystal tears fall down her face. (But what is Jax supposed to say! It’s true!) suddenly she’s embraced in a hug… well embraced might be a strong word.
Gangle was more so lightly touching her sides in what seemed to be a very hesitant hug, ready to leave at any moment.
She shouldn’t have said that. “I’m joking.” She says instead. “Don’t worry about it.”
Gangle doesn’t seem like she believes her. Which is fine.
Slowly the ribbons pull forward, letting the hug become a true hug instead of a nervous imitation of one. It was still light, and gangle still pulled slightly away. But it was far less awkward than before.
Jax just let it happen. It was no Riley, Jax didn’t even know gangle, not really… but gangle knew her. For better or worse. And it probably sucks hearing someone you know say they’d rather die than be here. (Though gangle doesn’t seem to like her very much. She’s noticed it. Jax wouldn’t describe her as timid, not normally. But she seems tired. More depressed than scared when Jax enters the room. And really to her there’s not too much of a difference. She seems fine around everyone else.)
“It’s- no Disney, but we have a theme park adventure.”
Her first response is to shake her head. She doesn’t want some digital recreation of something. She wants to go to an actual theme park, with her actual friends… but there’s no getting out of here. What else is she going to do? Lay in her bed (stab herself again?) she guesses she could try to at least have a good birthday. “I guess.”
And gangles eyes light up, pulling out of the hug “really! We could go this morning if you want, i don’t really like swimming anyways, and I could tell the others that I’m showing you around!.. unless you just want to go by yourself, that’s fine too!” She’s smiling. Even with tears still in her eyes.
“I’m not going alone” there’s no way she’d actually do anything if she did. Shed just spend the whole time thinking about Riley. Her birthday was going to be special. Her first birthday where she’s in a great place financially, and mentally. Well it WAS going to be that. She was going to go all out too “But-!” She quickly says. “I have a few rules.”
Gangle sinks back. “O-oh? Rules?”
“One. You don’t tell anyone about this- just you already said you’d tell them you’re showing me around so let’s just go with that. And we leave after they do.” It was a bit of a weird request, and she knew that, it was going to go into rule two.
But she had expected an onslaught of questions. Instead gangle nodded, like it was a completely normal request… that’s weird. But she won’t dwell on it.
“Two. You have to dress up for it. Over the top.”
There’s the confusion. “Uhh… why?” Gangle then asks.
“Because I’m going to dress up, and it’s embarrassing if it’s just me.” She had a whole outfit planned, one she hadn’t worn before, now she’ll never get to wear it. Not really, but she can at least try.
“No ones going to see you, I mean I will, and some npcs will, but…” gangle looks at Jax. “I mean… yeah I can dress up.”
… she’s still not comfortable “over the top” she then says again. “Or else I’m not going.”
Gangle nods “so like a clown outfit or-..”
“No-! Well if you wanted I guess” that’s not really what she meant “I just mean don’t wear like a plain shirt and jeans or something!”
Gangle nods timidly. But Jax doesn’t have the words to explain further what she means.
“So. That’s okay then?” She asks.
“Huh?”
“The rules?”
“Oh.” Gangle says “yeah, I agree I guess.”
She nods.
Okay, maybe it won’t be so bad.
She gets up “I’m going to go back to my room… thanks”
Gangle frowns, before saying “see you in the morning?” (Almost like she’s unsure.)
She nods.