Chapter Text
The bar was brighter and louder than L Lawliet remembered from the few times he'd visited years ago, the lights in all sorts of neon colors reflecting off of glasses and glittering dresses he couldn't help but notice out of the corner of his eyes. Everything was too vibrant it seemed under those lights, and people were louder when drunk.
Alcohol does that to people, L thought, it was typical to be drunk at a bar, it was the most obvious place to be intoxicated, but yet it seemed so incredibly annoying at the same time.
He'd showed up thirty minutes early with Watari, taking a seat at a cherry red booth near the side of the bar that would have room for the full team when they all arrived. It had been Matsuda's idea, though for the first time it seemed like a nice reunion to do.
Watari bought himself a drink, something sharp and spicy that L had to hold himself back from commenting on it. He'd bought one for L as well.
Despite how it smelled, sharp and bitter like smoke in edible sense, L took the cold glass and sipped at it, trying and failing to ignore the burn of it on his tongue.
L didn't like drinking.
He set the glass down politely though he could hear Watari snicker at his winced reaction, his nose scrunched up in disgust. Subtle and quiet in his distaste, but it was impossible to miss. As he glanced up, he noticed Watari's glass was already empty, the older man laughing at him openly now.
"It's not that bad, Ryuzaki, you really should atleast give it a second chance."
"I do not get the appeal, I have no reason to waste it further," he hummed in his usual monotone as he slid the glass of bourbon, condensation dripping down the sides of it as he pushed it closer to Watari's in offering, "I much prefer my tea anyhow."
Wammy's had made clear expectations not to waste, and after growing up in the orphanage L never had much to begin with, but there was no way he could finish that glass. Maybe if he was desperate after some fight or teenage breakup and didn't have anything else, but that wasn't this night.
Watari didn't seem mad at him at all for it as he took the glass from him.
For the next twenty minutes or so, L made small talk. Nothing had changed much for either of them.
Well, maybe a bit of change for L.
He had gotten a place in the outskirts of Tokyo, a small and warm one bedroom home that he'd bought soon after the Kira case had been closed three years ago. After two or three months of being there, he'd gotten a kitten.
Or, rather Misa Amane got him the cat.
After they had gotten closer, she'd started lecturing him for months that he needed more company than his cases, and to prove her point she'd gotten him a small orange kitten that she'd found at a model shoot and taken with her.
As much as he hated to admit it, he did truly love the small thing, pampering it in treats and toys on a daily basis. He'd named her Justice and adored her in kisses and every waking second of spare attention he had outside of work. In return, Justice never left his side, often on his lap when he was at his desk or laid against his hip or on his shoulders when he was working elsewhere.
There wasn't much L cared about, he was useful for his mind and nothing more. That made him easily expendable. If he didn't care about things, then nothing could be taken away from him. It wasn't like he owned much anyhow.
Justice was an exception.
He loved her so much for one simple fact, one quiet resemblance that he was too coward to say outloud.
He'd been on a small rant about the kitten when three people slipped into the booth, catching his attention quickly.
For three years later, Matsuda really didn't look much different.
Aizawa and Mogi didn't look too much different, maybe a few white hairs but nothing had changed drastically.
"Is Soichiro coming," Watari glanced at his watch before looking up again. "He did say he was coming, did he not?"
"I think Light was coming as well, I'm sure their on their way now," Matsuda grinned as he added, "I'm sure Misa Misa will be with him, lucky man."
Watari noticed the subtle way L glanced up from his water as Light was mentioned, a small tilt of his head upwards at the name. After knowing L for so long and practically raising him, he had an idea of why he reacted.
L hadn't heard the news yet, clearly.
...poor thing.
Soichiro showed up a few minutes later, taking a seat next to Mogi on the opposite side of the booth from L and Watari. L didn't look up immediately, only glancing up after he hear Misa's voice.
"Ryuzaki! Oh how have you been? How's Justice?!"
She practically threw herself onto L, ignoring how he tensed up but yet didn't push her off. He could barely keep up with all the questions she was asking as she sat down beside him, her black dress sparkling under the bright neon lights of the bar. Nothing much had been changed, really, though her hair had gotten a bit longer and she was wearing a more floral perfume than usual.
Special occasion, L supposed.
His gaze drifted upwards, L’s onyx eyes meeting familiar amber ones from a few feet away.
L smiled at Light, and in return, the brunette smirked at him. It wasn’t anything grand, but L’s heart started beating faster for a reason he couldn’t name yet. A small hint of color spread across his cheeks, dim under the coloured lights but Light knew.
”Light, it’s been a while.”
”It has,” Light nodded as he slid into the booth next to L. Misa didn’t say anything as she scooted over, a small knowing glance between Light and L. She seemed far more mature than before, mostly keeping her hands to herself. For some odd reason, L couldn’t help but think that something happened between the two.
Did Light hurt her? Break up with her?
She wouldn’t be here if he did, but yet she seemed so much more mellow than before. Calmer.
One shared look between the two proved that Misa knew something L didn’t want her to.
Aizawa waved over the bartender, a young brunette girl who must’ve recognised Misa because she asked for her autograph almost immediately. She taken their orders, mostly vodka whereas Light ordered the same whiskey that Watari had.
The drinks came quickly, and the mix of alcohol and years without talking helped the conversation move along easily.
L had been zoning out for the most part until they got their drinks. He didn’t exactly matter in the conversation, and it wasn’t like cars and whatever they were talking about meant anything to L.
He ordered a Shirley temple rather than alcohol, taking slow sips of as he savoured the cherry taste.
“So, what’s new with you, Light?” Matsuda asked as he took a drink, something strong and obviously fruit-flavoured.
“Nothing much, really.”
”Oh, Light, don’t be humble.” Soichiro chucked loudly, “Tell ‘em the big news.”
Light nodded and took a long pause before speaking.
”I’m engaged. I proposed to Misa a week ago.”
Mogi choked on his drink, and Matsuda practically jumped up from his seat in excitement. He looked between Misa, then Light, then Misa again as he connected the dots.
“Engaged?!” Mogi choked out a few seconds later, “Since when?”
L didn’t outwardly react but Misa noticed the way he tensed at the words. She stared at him, hoping to get his attention, but it was obvious he was spaced out.
Engaged.
Engaged.
He couldn’t believe it.
His head was spinning. There was no way, Misa would’ve told him beforehand, right?
“I’m…going to get a drink. I changed my mind.”
L excused himself from the table quickly, though nobody seemed to care that he left. He didn’t matter much anyhow, it didn’t make sense for him to be this upset over something so simple.
He tried to repeat that to himself as he slipped into the crowd.
“Another round of shots,”
A stack of cash, far more than just one round set onto the bar’s side of the counter.
“Strawberry vodka. Make it strong.”
Each shot burnt worse than the last, every shot of the fruit flavoured vodka making his head spin more and more. He couldn’t believe it as he tossed another back to dull the ache in his chest.
Light and Misa.
Engaged.
…
He took another shot.
Another.
Round after round went by, but yet no amount of the sugary intoxication could change how he felt. The only thing that changed was his rationality that was slowly fading. How much hope he’d had in Light was disgusting, truly. He was Kira, for God’s sake, yet L had fallen for him dozens of times that he now would never be able to tell. He’d never get to kiss him, to love him, to be his and his alone.
L swore to himself one thing through the haze of betrayal.
L Lawliet would never fall inlove again.
….
Misa slid into the seat next to him at the bar, her black dress sparkling under the bar’s purple lighting as watched L down another shot.
”Drowning yourself in alcohol won’t fix whatever is wrong, you know. It’s not good for you,” she hummed as she waved down the bartender for a raspberry flavoured martini.
“It doesn’t matter to you.”
”…do you…like him…? Is that what this is about?”
L tossed back another shot, the vodka burning the back of his throat. He looked at Misa, really looked at her for once.
She was pretty, young, the type of girl to swoon over flowers and rom-coms. Her deep black dress brought out her eyes in the best way possible, and it was the only right thing that she ended up with Light, her prince charming.
Still, L couldn’t see them together in that way.
“I knew he was Kira when I fell for him, I knew better than to do something like that but I…” L trailed off. How was he to describe it? Light was bound to kill him if L didn’t kill him first, and yet he’d fallen for him.
”…you loved him anyway. You couldn’t help that, L.”
Misa sipped at her drink, lipstick leaving a kiss mark on the glass as she spoke again.
“I wouldn’t stop you, if you…wanted him. I know he loves you, L. When I started dating him, I guess I was quick to mix up admiration and love at the time. I see now that it never really was him. Rem, however…well, I’ve been going strong with her for a few years by now. Light knows about it.”
”…the shinigami?”
”Mhm! Oh, she’s the sweetest! Here, I might have some pictures.”
Misa unlocked her phone and it was easy to tell they were together. The home screen was blurry but L could easily tell it was Misa, Rem’s arm around her waist and her arms around Rem’s neck.
In truth, L had always thought that Light and Misa weren’t meant be together from the start. Misa deserved better than how Light treated her, and she deserved someone who could love her how she needed to be loved.
A girl had joined Misa’s modelling studio soon after the Kira case had ended, a tall pale girl with white and purple hair. L remembered recognising her though he never said anything. It wasn’t fair to either of them and Misa had fought her employers into allowing Rem to work with her.
L, in all his truth, had thought they were a thing then but doubted that his suspicions were correct.
“You should tell Light. Worst case scenario he doesn’t like you back, which I know is false anyway.”
She finished the martini, leaving her cash on the bar’s countertop as she slid off the seat and dusted off her dress. She glanced back once at him, smiled, then walked back into the crowd.
…
By the time his fifth round was finished, glasses empty on the table, his head was spinning worse than before. He was dizzy and couldn’t stand up right, leaning mostly against the counter.
The burning ache in his chest hurt less, dulled by the temporary sensation of intoxication, the bar counter cold and sobering him up for enough time to stand and sneak outside to an alleyway that led to nowhere.
He needed a break from the sound, from the brightness, from the overwhelming aura of the bar.
He needed away from Light.
….
It smelled like booze and vomit from previous people who’d come outside for a break from the noise as L stepped outside, the wooden door shutting loudly in the quiet.
The air was cold and clear, and L’s mind seemed to calm as he took the deepest breaths he could. He could feel the cold icy feeling everywhere all at once, a balm against his drunken heated skin. In and out, deep inhales and exhales that made his breath apparent in the cold November air. He watched the fog fade into the night, then he’d exhale again and repeat it.
He shivered once, twice, but he refused to go inside yet.
He’d rather stay out here until it was time to leave than go back inside and see Light again. The cold hurt at first, but after ten minutes or so he felt more numb and sober than hurt. He should’ve known Light couldn’t love him like that, but hope rooted itself deeper into his heart than rationality could.
Twenty minutes passed of this slow process, watching his breaths appear and fade back into the night’s air. Every time he planned to go back inside it hit him yet again the reality of loving Light. Love that he knew now couldn’t ever be reciprocated.
He could get drunk again, lose himself in shots of the strongest vodka or liquor they had, but it didn’t seem right anymore. He felt sober from the cold, maybe he was now. How much had he drank?
A familiar voice snapped him out of his thoughts.
”…L? What the hell are you doing out here?”
Warmth slipped over L’s shoulders as he looked up at Light, the brunette standing two or three inches taller than him. Light’s coat, something warm that smelled like his cologne and fresh printed books, was tossed over his shoulders as Light muttered complaints under his breath. L couldn’t make out most of them, but he could tell half of it was angered mutters and complaints.
“You’re gonna freeze if you stay out here, come on.”
L didn’t move.
”L, come on. You’ll catch cold.”
”Since when did you have concern for me, Light-kun,” L monotoned in return, bitterness in his voice.
He didn’t know how to feel.
Hatred, jealousy, and anger were obvious.
The love that L still felt for him, deeper than before from the hope Misa gave him, wasn’t as easy to describe.
“What’s your problem tonight?!”
Light shoved L, not hard exactly, but enough to make the detective stumble backwards.
“You’ve been running away from me since the first round of shots earlier!”
”Don’t yell at me, Light Yagami.”
”Then tell me why you’ve been running! Is it because you love Misa? Is that it!? Tell her that!”
”I don’t love her, Light!” L rose his voice in return. He never yelled, it was a waste of energy, but L had wasted enough on Light that it didn’t matter anymore.
“Then what is it!?”
”I love you, and I can’t do this! I don’t ask for much Light, I don’t want much but I need you,” he choked out, “I-I can’t sit and watch while you act like you love Misa, you don’t and she deserves better than this! Every single goddamn time I see you I tell myself I’ll get over you, but I can’t! I love you!”
L was sobbing by now, angry and bitter tears rolling down his cheeks. He tried shoving Light away from him as he pulled him closer, but it didn’t do much, more so L stumbled back himself. It was harder to breathe now, and staying away from Light seemed to hurt more than the news entirely now.
The turmoil in L’s actions was painfully obvious as he stepped closer, then back again as if he didn’t know if it was best to get close or further away. He couldn’t tell what hurt worse; loving a married man or loving Kira. Even knowing Light’s sins, he stepped closer once more.
Light never had been patient man, and still years later he wasn’t.
The gap closed as Light finally forced L closer, his hands slid onto L’s hips as he tugged him forward. L was surprisingly light weighted, and given that he was drunk he was far more pliant to be there than he would be when sober. He tiled his head up, still crying though he’d calmed down, glancing between Light’s lips, then back to his gaze. He leaned in slightly, then pulled away.
….
He was teasing.
He’d stepped closer, then back. Showing what Light could have, then the reality. Testing if he was willing to take him. Now he was doing it yet again, his lips close then far again.
They both knew Light would give in.
One knew he would, the other could only hope it was true.
Light leaned in, slow but he didn’t kiss him. If L was allowed to tease, to make him chase for the reward, then Light could do it too. Even besides from that, L was drunk, Light couldn’t be the type of man to use him like that. He wasn’t a monster. He’d never be able to take advantage of him like that unless he wanted it.
And L clearly did.
His lips ghosted over Light’s, L’s cold lips brushing over Light’s once, twice, until L finally gave in and kissed him.
If Light didn’t know better, he’d assume that L liked being caught.
….
For a few spare moments, neither of them could remember the engagement at all.
L’s soft lips on Light’s as he tasted Light’s flavour distracted the both of them. Orange and cinnamon whiskey, the same taste that he’d gagged about hours ago he now needed more than air. In Light’s opinion, L tasted like strawberry vodka and salt, his bitter tears mixing with the sweetness of Light’s chapstick.
L’s knees were weak.
Light’s hands on L’s hips were the only thing holding him up, his hands clutching Light’s see-through white undershirt as he pressed closer. This would be his only chance to kiss Light, he knew, and he wasn’t planning on letting him go just yet if ever.
”…don’t leave me…”
”You’re drunk. You won’t remember this in the morning, L. You’re not thinking right.”
”I’m not…don’t let me forget, please…I-I don’t want to forget this, Light-kun…”
He kissed him once more, before he let go. His grip loosed on Light’s shirt but he didn’t pull away entirely as he started at him. Confused? Scared? Light couldn’t see past the subtle confusion on L’s face, as if he had heard news that was true but barely believed it.
”…huh.”
”What?”
“…Kira tastes like cinnamon. I would have never guessed,” L pressed his thumb to his lower lip as he spoke. “I would’ve expected something far more manly from you, Light-kun.”
Light kissed him again one last time before backing up. He looked at L, then the back door that led into the club as if he was planning on leaving him.
“You’re drunk.”
”Not anymore. I’m tired of this. I won’t chase you if you love her, Light. While I don’t believe you have romantic attraction to women, I won’t make you admit that. Quite frankly I know you never will.”
”I can’t just disgrace my family over you, L! What do you expect me to do?”
”Perhaps not publicly, I suppose, but you cannot lie to yourself forever. Even I wasn’t that cruel to myself.”
”…You’re…?”
”I kissed you, did I not? I don’t believe that a single kiss would be of anything other than personal gain.”
L’s skin was cold to the touch, his hands resting on Light’s arm just under his sleeve. He didn’t pull Light towards himself, but he didn’t push either. Rather he seemed like he wanted the warmth of Light near him in some way. Obviously physically but yet he seemed content just in Light’s presence.
“…we can talk about this later. You need a ride home,” Light’s arm slipped around L’s waist as if it belonged there. He’d done it before to Misa, L supposed, but with her it was ridged and cold. With L it was warm and simple, like he was meant to be Light’s.
”What about Misa, won’t she need a ride…?”
”Everyone else left before I came out here to find you. She got a ride with Rem.”
Light pressed his palm to the small of L’s back, earning a barely concealed loving sigh from the boy as he led them back inside.
Soichiro had covered Light’s tab earlier as a congrats to his son’s engagement, so that wasn’t an issue.
I wonder how he’ll react, Light thought as he pulled L closer through the crowd. He didn’t want to lose L in a crowd, not when people were so perverted and L was so oddly pliant. As Light tugged L past the crowd into a smaller, more secluded corner by the door, the boy kissed him in the most loving way possible. His lips met Light’s perfectly, like two puzzle pieces, their shared saliva mixing.
Maybe it would be worth it, he thought as L kissed him once more.
…
Light’s car was a small black car.
Professional and classy.
It didn’t seem all that professional as L curled up on the passenger seat.
L pushed a button on the side of the seat, half laying down as he used Light’s jacket as a blanket of sorts. It felt warm and smelt like Light’s cologne. He watched with half-lidded eyes as Light slid into the driver’s seat, the engine running loudly in the quiet. Neither of them minded.
“Where to?”
”…home.”
”My parents will be home, L. I really don’t want to deal with that right now.”
”You said we’d talk later. I wouldn’t know but that doesn’t seem like a phone conversation.”
”…fine.”
…
The house was quiet by the time they arrived. Soichiro was obviously home already, given the shoes kicked off besides the door. Light kicked off his shoes, L doing the same. He pressed onto Light’s side again, his full weight against him.
His lips pressed against Light’s throat, lazy open-mouthed kissed spread across his law. Light’s arm hooked around his hips. For a few moments, everything felt normal.
Light could imagine it now, a daily life where he’d get to love him over and over again. He’d take care of him, and in return L would love him like this.
“My room’s upstairs.”
…
Light’s room was just about what L would typically expect. Shelves of books, a desk with obviously important documents on it and textbooks, and a bed that looked like it would feel like heaven. He had a small candle burning in the corner, the scent of cinnamon suddenly felt like something that was only for Light.
”Can I borrow a change of clothes from you, Light-chan?”
”Fine but don’t call me that for god’s sake.”
He handed L a spare change of clothes from his closet. It wasn’t anything fancy, a worn-out band tee that still fit Light from his middle school years and a pair of shorts.
The last thing Light expect L to do was to change infront of him, though the detective didn’t seem to mind as he slipped off his shirt and his jeans.
”L! Have some decency! Modesty! Save that for marriage!”
”I doubt we’ll ever be able to, I don’t see why a piece of paper gives me the right to change clothes,” L monotoned as he tugged the band tee over his head.
It was baggy on him, reaching to about mid-thigh with plenty of baggy space to move. It was closer to a nightgown than anything, really, his boxers peaking out from the bottom of the shirt. He tossed his jeans onto the floor before sitting down on Light’s bed. Almost immediately he laid down, stretching out like a starfish against the blankets with his legs spread.
”L, move over.”
”Must I?”
He squirmed himself into the corner of Light’s bed, pillows curled around him as he watched Light undress, first his button up, then his slacks until he was in nothing but his boxers.
….
Huh.
His stomach did an odd thing, like butterflies as he watched Light’s almost naked form. It was apparent that he’d started working out after the investigation, he was far more built than before as he stretched, his muscles apparent even from a few feet away. L could feel blood rushing to his face for a weird reason, yet he couldn’t look away.
As Light turned around, he noticed the way L was looking at him, his pupils dilated twice their usual size as he watched him undress.
…maybe he really was inlove after all.
“C’mere…please…”
L tugged on the waistband of Light’s boxers in an attempt to pull him closer. He sighed but gave in as he slid under the blankets. He watched the detective curl up against him, legs tangled around Light’s hips and his arms around his chest in the same odd siting position he usually sat in but instead he was curled around Light this time.
His lips met Light’s yet again, softer this time. Light’s tongue was warm and soft, tangled with L’s. They stayed that way for what felt like hours, their lips meeting over and over as they tasted each other under Light’s blankets like a secret only they would knew.
Light tasted like oranges.
L tasted like strawberries.
…
Sooner than later L fell asleep with his head tucked against Light’s neck, his soft even breaths huffing over Light’s throat as he slept.
He was oddly different when he was drunk, as Light found. Where he was typically cold and bitter, he was warm and gentle.
He let out this soft purr-like hum as he nuzzled closer, seeking warmth in Light that he couldn’t find anywhere else. Perhaps L was close with Watari, but even so physical touch was a thin line between it being acceptable or not.
Light tried to stay awake, to keep the night going on longer because he knew he’d never get this chance again. Soichiro would find out tomorrow likely and disown him, and L would be sober and would regret everything that had happened. He wouldn’t love Light sober, and Light knew that.
Just before he fell asleep, Light kissed L just once last time.
Strawberries, Light thought as he closed his eyes.