Chapter Text
“Cait and Piper are now out of the prison, Mac is alive again, Curie is still dead,” Anna summarized. “Mac, your turn.”
MacCready took the die. “I roll to shoot one of the Super Mutants chasing us.”
He rolled a four and threw himself back in his chair with a groan. How was he so bad at this game? His character was awesome, but his die rolls were terrible. Maybe they were somehow only loaded for him.
“You miss the Super Mutant and hit Cait,” Anna said.
“Hey!” Cait shouted.
“But it's only in the shoulder,” Anna added.
Cait still glowered at Mac, who tried his best not to make eye contact during Danse's turn, who rolled a twelve and managed to maim one of the mutants.
“Give me those.” Cait grabbed the die as soon as it was her turn. “I roll to punch Mac.”
Mac threw up his hands. “Aw, c'mon! It was an accident.”
Anna looked at Cait, who stared back defiantly as she tossed the die. Eighteen.
“You punch Mac so hard he explodes,” Anna said.
Piper laughed in the middle of taking a drink of Nuka Cola and some of it snorted out her nose, which made Cait and Deacon laugh harder. Curie scooted closer to Mac and patted his shoulder sympathetically.
“But it's only an eighteen, not a full twenty, so he can still be resuscitated,” Anna continued. “Piper, do you want to roll to resuscitate him?”
“Hell no,” she gasped. “I roll to run away from the Super Mutants.”
She rolled a twelve, and Anna declared her safely escaped.
“My turn!” Deacon crowed. “I roll to … bide my time.”
Everyone except Anna groaned, but the room went silent when the die landed on a one. Deacon let his chair tip forward so that all four legs rested on the ground again. Well … shit.
“What's going to happen to him?” Curie whispered.
Anna cocked her head as she considered. “He can get pulled apart and eaten by the super mutants or …” She paused and looked around the room to gauge the others' reactions. “I can force him to do whatever action he was biding his time for. He'll need an extra roll to complete it, so everyone has to agree that's OK.”
Cait shook his head. “Nuh uh, fuck him. He doesn't get an extra turn.”
“But I really want to know what he was going to do,” Piper argued. “If he dies now, we'll never know.”
“I also wish to know what Monsieur Deacon has been biding his time for,” Curie piped up.
Deacon stayed cool, but he could feel his palms start to sweat. He'd just been fucking with everyone and hadn't actually made up any move, so yeah, he'd love to know what he was going to do too, Piper. Fuck, he was so fucked.
“What's your vote, Danse?” Anna asked.
Danse shrugged. “Sure.”
Deacon glared at him, the effect somewhat ruined by his shades that kept his eyes hidden. He just knew that tin can only agreed to watch him fail.
“Mac?”
MacCready rolled his eyes. “Fine. Like I give a shi—crap.”
That only left Cait. She crossed her arms and stayed defiant as everyone looked at her, but she made the mistake of making eye contact with Curie, the sweetest, purest cinnamon roll who cannot be denied.
“Oh, fine!” she snapped. “Give him the damn roll.”
“Deacon,” Anna turned to him, her voice soft like she knew exactly how full of shit he was. “What were you biding your time for?”
“First, I would like to start off by thanking you for granting me this extra turn,” Deacon said, stalling for his life.
Anna's eyes narrowed at him.
“Since you were so kind to allow me another roll …”
Shit, he was so dead, they were never going to find his body.
“I roll to …”
Think, think, think!
“Seduce all of the Super Mutants at once,” Deacon said.
The table erupted into shouting as all the companions started protesting at once.
“I knew I shouldna given ye a chance, ya stupid little fuckboy!”
“That's what you were waiting for? The whole time, just for that?”
“Actually, Super Mutants are agender and without sexual reproductive organs, so—”
“Super Mutants are not acceptable sexual partners!”
“Holy fuuu—freak—aw fuck it, holy fuck, dude! You are so fucking dead!”
Anna slammed her fist down on the table, instantly achieving quiet again. “Everyone be quiet and listen to Curie.”
“Thank you,” Curie said. “Super Mutants become both agender and asexual, lacking both the reproductive organs and sex drive to procreate. This is why they must kidnap humans in order to artificially create more of themselves.”
“HA!” Cait shouted. “So there, ye can't just fuck your way outta this.”
Deacon took a deep breath and looked at his Sole. “Please, Anna?”
“What?” Piper shrieked. “No, he cannot do that—don't let him do that!”
“Anna, he's clearly attempting to compromise your judgment,” Danse said.
MacCready just sat back and watched. If his character got fucked over, they could all get fucked too. Deacon's character trying to seduce the Super Mutants sounded pretty damn funny, anyhow.
“If I allow this to happen,” Anna started. Piper and Cait tried to protest again, but she silenced them with a glare. “Then there will be consequences.”
Deacon had to suppress a shiver. That was her Boss voice. He'd gladly take that sort of “consequence” any day. Hell, he'd bend over this table right now if she told him to do it in that voice.
“I understand,” he said.
Anna nodded. “Then roll to see if you can save the day by seducing all of the Super Mutants at once.”
Deacon shook the die in his palm, praying for all his luck to get its ass in gear and help him out. He tossed the die and watched as it rolled along the table before stopped at … a twenty. Oh holy shit, that was a fucking natural twenty, finally rolled by someone other than Danse.
“You're gang-banged by all eight Super Mutants,” Anna said. “The sex is so fantastic that everyone else escapes while they're distracted, Curie is brought back to life by the power of all the loving going on, and you somehow survive the encounter.”
Deacon slowly leaned back in his chair again, grinned his smuggest shit-eating grin, and shot Anna another round of finger guns.
“What, so that's just it then?” Piper demanded. “This asshole saved the day and—”
Deacon interrupted her with a loud guffaw and waggled his eyebrows at her. “You're goddamn right my asshole saved the day. Show a little respect.”
Piper let her head drop down to the table and lightly smacked her forehead against it a few times. Cait continued glaring at him, practically vibrating in silent fury, and Danse pushed back in his chair.
“I think I'm done,” he said, face flushed red again.
“Hold on,” Anna told them. “The campaign isn't quite over yet. Deacon, roll to see if you're pregnant.”
Deacon's eyes widened behind his sunglasses. “What?”
“You said you wanted the Super Mutants to have reproductive organs,” Anna reminded him sweetly.
“But my character is a man,” Deacon said, already certain he was going to lose anyway.
“Did you ever specify that he doesn't have a vagina?” Anna asked.
Deacon was silent for a moment. “ … no.”
Piper laughed so loud it turned into a snort, and Cait nearly fell out of her chair with her own laughing fit. Danse and MacCready joined in too, with Curie as the quietest in the group, who had clapped her hand over her mouth to stifle her giggles.
“Roll,” Anna ordered.
Deacon swallowed hard. That's what he should have done in the gang-bang orgy, swallowed hard. But the inside joke with himself didn't make him any less nervous as he picked up the die. Should he even be hoping for a low score or a high score? What if he had some sort of horrible miscarriage or gave birth to deformed babies he'd have to smother with a pillow for their own good? Wait, stop, getting a little dark there, buddy. Deacon took one last chance to pray, then rolled the die.
Another natural twenty.
The only sound from the table was some sort of disbelieving squeak out of Piper. Deacon wordlessly looked up at Anna, who was definitely not smiling at him, but her eyes were dancing with mischief. God, he was so fucking compromised for her.
“They are all the father,” Anna announced. “Congratulations, you're having octuplets.”
Deacon slumped over the table and buried his head in his arms to hide his shame as everyone else had a good long laugh.