Weekend Crack Fics
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Listing Series
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Summary
Gale accidentally lands on a new fragrance diffuser that goes somewhere unmentionable. Astarion offers to help him with his problem.
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“Trust me, I’m fine.” Gale stands slowly and, without turning around, reaches for a towel. Then he feels the bottle completely enter him, and he starts to panic. He knows he’s going to have to tell Astarion now. He looks over, sheepishly, and clears his throat.Series
- Part 1 of Weekend Crack Fics
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Summary
“A vampire finally meets his hunter at a bar randomly one night. The hunter has no idea he has become the hunted, and for years, he lets the monster into his house, his heart, his mind, and his body. And now you want to kill me?” Astarion finishes his wine. “I think you want something else, something more.”
Series
- Part 2 of Weekend Crack Fics
- Part 6 of 🎃👻🕸️ Spooky Season Fics 🕸️👻🎃
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Gale and Astarion are rival figure skaters forced to get along for the Olympics. They get into mischief during a team bonding exercise.
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“What are you doing here?”Astarion is ripped from his fantasy by a very real Gale and quickly slides his hand out of his pants. He watches a bit of toothpaste dribble down Gale’s chin and memorizes the image for later. “I’m relaxing in my room. What are you doing here?”
“Taking a shower in my room.” Gale grabs his key to show Astarion the room number, and Astarion holds a matching one up in reply.
“Looks like they fucked up and put a talentless hack in my room by accident,” Astarion scoffs.
Series
- Part 3 of Weekend Crack Fics
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Summary
Astarion was on vacation with his friends at a ski lodge when he developed a passion for snow tubing. Meanwhile, Vampire Hunter Gale Dekarios and his trusty sidekick, Thay, were on the hunt for their next target.
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Gale chases Astarion down a hill on snow tubes, and they get infected with snow pollen.
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Astarion groaned and looked at his snow gear in the corner. After huffing and puffing for a few minutes, pissed at his friends for ditching him, he decided to say fuck it and go snow tubing. Alone. He really was that pathetic.
On his way outside, a peculiar scent caught his attention. It smelled like well aged brandy, old books, and sea salt. It was distinct, alluring, and somehow familiar, though he couldn’t place it. The scent grew stronger as he approached the snow tubing area, and he easily spotted the source once he rounded the corner. Leaning against a tree and smoking a cigarette was the most handsome man Astarion had ever seen, and his breath caught when they made eye contact.
Series
- Part 1 of Gale Dekarios Vampire Hunter
- Part 4 of Weekend Crack Fics
- Part 4 of 🎃👻🕸️ Spooky Season Fics 🕸️👻🎃
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Summary
It’s Gale’s fortieth birthday party, and his friends rented his favorite winery for the evening. Things take a surprising turn when the wrong cake is delivered.
Series
- Part 5 of Weekend Crack Fics
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Summary
Gale starts shifting into a werewolf at a book signing and will do anything to make it stop.
Gale arrives at Sheds & Viscounts thirty minutes before the book signing to claim a seat near the front. In each chair, there is a pamphlet about Hallowleaf and her hit book series, Undead Diatribes, and Gale reads it while waiting for the event to start.
Hallowleaf’s critically acclaimed third installment of Undead Diatribes continues the story of fan-favorite vampire, Augustus Achilles, as he awakens from two-hundred years of slumber. He navigates a world that is new to him while falling in love with someone who should be his sworn enemy, a werewolf named Gary Delgado.
“Werewolf,” Gale whispers to himself and turns the paper over for more information, but there is just a drawing of a vampire and werewolf glaring at each other.
Series
- Part 6 of Weekend Crack Fics
- Part 4 of 🎃👻🕸️ Spooky Season Fics 🕸️👻🎃
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Too Many Books for a Disney Cruise by misslillianvalentine
Fandoms: Baldur's Gate (Video Games)
23 Nov 2024
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Summary
Gale finds himself in the Disney Cruise brig after being accused of drug smuggling. Luckily, his prison guard has an idea of how to get him out.
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“That depends,” Astarion replies.“Depends on what?” Gale asks.
“On what you can do for me.” Astarion steps closer and allows Gale to see his face.
“Astarion?” Gale squints his eyes and recognizes his semi-regular fling from back home and lowers his voice to almost a whisper. “What are you doing here?”
“I already told you, darling. What I’m doing here all depends on what you can do for me.” Astarion waves his key ring just out of Gale’s grasp.
Series
- Part 7 of Weekend Crack Fics
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Fly Me to the Spirit Halloween by misslillianvalentine for patheticfangirl
Fandoms: Baldur's Gate (Video Games)
31 Oct 2024
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Summary
Gale drags Astarion to a Spirit Halloween because they need to buy costumes for Wyll's party in a few days.
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Gale gets a handjob in the changing rooms while wearing fishnets and a miniskirt.
Series
- Part 8 of Weekend Crack Fics
- Part 7 of 🎃👻🕸️ Spooky Season Fics 🕸️👻🎃
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Kiss Me Under the Fluorescent Lights of the Bass Pro Shop by misslillianvalentine
Fandoms: Baldur's Gate (Video Games)
17 Aug 2024
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Summary
Astarion tries to convince Gale to buy a hot tub.
Series
- Part 9 of Weekend Crack Fics
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Summary
Gale, Astarion, Tav, and Minthara break into a McDonald's looking for milkshakes. Gale and Astarion find a way to occupy their time while they wait for the machine to work.
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“Well, I think this is a great decision,” Astarion replies. He pokes his head out of the bathroom to check on the milkshakes and sees Minthara taking the machine apart.“Are they almost done?” Gale asks.
Astarion closes the door. “Any minute now.” He leans against the wall next to Gale.
“There are no milkshakes are there?” Gale sighs.
“No.” Astarion replies.
“And we’re stuck here until those two figure it out, aren’t we?” Gale pinches the bridge of his nose.
“Yes.” Astarion looks over at his frustrated husband and smirks as the ears wiggle every time he shakes his head.
Series
- Part 5 of Gale for Waterdeep
- Part 10 of Weekend Crack Fics
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Summary
Gale runs into an attractive stranger at a crowded night club.
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“Papa bear, what have you caught?” A man slides in front of Gale, and he is the most gorgeous person Gale has ever seen. His red eyes almost seem to shine in the blacklight, and his face is framed with white curls, slightly weighed down with sweat.
Series
- Part 11 of Weekend Crack Fics
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Get Your Gucci Sunglasses Out of the Wendy’s Dumpster by misslillianvalentine
Fandoms: Baldur's Gate (Video Games)
18 Jan 2025
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Summary
Astarion goes dumpster diving for his sunglasses.
Series
- Part 12 of Weekend Crack Fics
- Part 1 of Astarion & His Awful Roomate (Shrek)
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Summary
Vampire Hunter Gale Dekarios desperately needs a vacation, so he books a stay at a cozy cottage in the town of Emerald Grove. He doesn’t even make it one night before it’s infested with supernatural creatures (including his best friend’s other best friend and their weirdo boyfriend — neither of which he can stand).
Astarion breaks free from Cazador’s clutches and heads to an AirBnB in Emerald Grove where he thinks he can’t be found. When he arrives, however, he realizes it’s not the empty and serene refuge he imagined, nor is it safe from Cazador’s detection.
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Gale helps Astarion dump Cazador with a wooden stake.
“Why, exactly, are you in my AirBnB?”
Astarion takes a few steps forward, pointing a finger at Gale. “I could ask you the same thing! What, are you stalking me now? Pathetic.”
Gale pushes off the wall and grabs his phone out of his pocket. He pulls up his reservation and shows it to Astarion. “Stalking you? No! I’m here for vacation! I booked this place weeks ago!”
“Well, so did I!” Astarion holds up his own phone.
Series
- Part 13 of Weekend Crack Fics
- Part 1 of 🎃👻🕸️ Spooky Season Fics 🕸️👻🎃
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Summary
Gale and Astarion work at the same lawfirm - Gale as a reseacher and Astarion as a top lawyer. They barely interact at work and never interact outside of the office, but that all changes when Astarion's personal homing pigeon delivers his flirtatious messages to the wrong person.
The pigeon that dropped off the note is just standing on his desk, looking at him. “What do you want? Am I supposed to give you a response? I don’t even know who wrote this,” he whispers at the bird.
The bird turns and begins to preen one of her wings. Gale considers his options, and against his better judgment, he decides to write back.
Series
- Part 14 of Weekend Crack Fics
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Summary
When Gale accidentally freed a genie, Astarion wished that they could spend the weekend alone without his awful roommate interrupting them.
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Gale and Astarion bang inside a genie lamp
"Ah what fun," Astarion whispered, running his hand over Gale's cheek and into soft brown waves.
Gale licked his lips. "Consider my mouth unsealed for your use."
Astarion's jaw almost dropped to the floor, and Gale smirked.
Series
- Part 15 of Weekend Crack Fics